I Give Up

What do I want in a relationship?

I want a partner.  I want someone I can trust with all of my heart, someone who always makes my heart skip a beat, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will hold me when I cry no matter what I'm crying about. Someone who'll listen to me go on and on about all of the nerdy crap I'm interested in, someone who appreciates music like I do, someone who just makes me believe in forever.  And in return I want to be all those things for someone.

I find a lot of married couple blogs on the internet (because I love blog stalking) and I skim through them.  And there are always pictures and these couples all just look so happy together.  So . . . I don't know.  There's just always something about them that is very meant to be.  And I see wedding pictures of friends on Facebook and I see the same thing.  And I have friends who are engaged, and when they talk about their wedding on Facebook, their fiances comment about how much they can't wait to get married and how the wedding is too far away and blah blah blah.

I see all those things and they're the things I wanted and expected out of my relationship with Ex-Fiance.  And I wonder, what do they have that I don't?  What do these women have that makes their men look at them like that, love them like that?  What is it about them?

And then I think about it, and I remember that the men in those pictures have probably never been legit screamed at by the women in those pictures.  They've probably never helped their wives clean self harm injuries.  They've probably never seen their wives throw things or have anxiety attacks that border on psychotic.  They've probably never had their wife happily kiss them goodbye in the morning only to come home to her not speaking to them for no reason at all.  They've probably never watched any of their wives shatter a glass picture frame and try to slit her wrists with one of the shards.

And then I think, no fucking wonder he doesn't want to be with me.  Who would?  I'm fat, unattractive, and psychotic.  I never deserved Ex-Fiance and I'm probably just not meant to be a bride or a wife.  I will probably spend the rest of my life alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty mad at Ex-Fiance too.  But I'm more mad at myself.