Numb

Today I've just been numb.  The combination of it being my would have been wedding day and the day before I move away from Corey (potentially for good) has not been pleasant.  I feel numb and shut down and almost outside of my body.  I really can't believe this is all happening.

I've gone through the motions.  I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.

I do not want what's happening.  I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.

I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here.  But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today.  My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks.  I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.

Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon.  This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends.  As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.

It fucking blew.

And of course I don't want to move.  There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.

I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it.  I just hope that's true.