On My Mind

I did some more packing today.  Which actually makes me kind of impressed with myself.

I just feel kind of blah, I guess.  And obviously there's a lot on my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out.  I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change.  Do I want him?  Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?

Because that's what really bothers me, I think.  I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship.  And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off.  And I can't do the dating thing because of that.  I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again.  I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me.  To me, it doesn't make sense.

But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.

My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff.  When will I talk to Corey again?  When will I see him again?  For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile).  But now . . . I don't know.  It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it.  I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that.  I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I don't like not knowing.  I want to know what's going to happen.  I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.

I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good.  It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.