Weird Thoughts and Stuff

Five years ago today I was moving into the studio apartment on Blackbird Roost and preparing to live by myself for the first time.  I miss that apartment.

Two years ago tomorrow Ex-Fiance and I spent the night together for the first time.  I just remember that it was Sept. 9th that he first slept over at my apartment--mostly because he was too exhausted to safely drive back to his place.  (I don't do well sharing a bed or sleeping in strange places so up until then we hadn't spent the night in the same place).

Weird anniversaries to remember.  But I do.

I did OK today.  I ate fast food (Five Guys Burgers and Fries right across the street from Hastings is a bad bad bad idea) but I also went shopping for healthy groceries so tomorrow should be better.  I had a little bit of a breakdown on the bus.  I don't really know where it came from but all I could think was, my life is nothing, and I am nothing, and I'm a loser, and I should just kill myself now.  I thought, Ex-Fiance doesn't love me anymore, and he's right for not loving me anymore, and I'm a burden to Jerbs just like I always have been, and there's no way out.  I just felt . . . so defeated.

I try very, very hard to stay positive.  I really do.  But there are days when everything just seems overwhelming and it actually feels hard to breathe--like the weight of all the things I'm dealing with and going through is actually suffocating me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning it.

But I snapped out of it eventually.  I snapped out of it enough that I was able to go work out for a half an hour!  Go me!!  This is good for two reasons: one, the fact that I recovered from a breakdown to the point that I could go do a physically challenging activity, and two, the fact that I worked out at all.

This week I'm going to call the counselor I want to start seeing and find out about her prices and policies and all that.  I can't wait anymore to start this, because it's a crucial step to getting better, and just because I don't have a full time job doesn't mean I should put it off.  I have people who are willing to help me so it's time to get on it.