Breakdown

A couple nights ago--Wednesday night--I had a breakdown.  A pretty bad one.

It was the first one I'd had in a few weeks (since I moved at least) so that's a pretty good thing.  But still, it sucked.

I don't know why it happened, really.  I think it was just a combination of all the stuff in my head about Corey, and being completely exhausted.  Wednesday I finally went back to work and even though I didn't work til one, I had to be up at ten to get ready in time to catch the bus.  So naturally I couldn't sleep Tuesday night and didn't actually fall asleep until close to six Wednesday morning.  So I had to go back to work on very, very, very little sleep, and after work I had to run to catch the bus so . . . yeah.  It was a blah kinda day.  Plus the store here . . . I just don't like it, to be honest.  It's disorganized and unstructured and poorly run and I miss the Ktown store.

So anyway.  I came home grouchy and then just broke down.  Same ol' same ol' breakdown . . . bawling my eyes out and this intense, directionless anger that actually makes me feel like I'm overheating.  This anger is the absolute worst symptom of these breakdowns, because it is so uncontrollable.  I feel like it literally takes over me and I can't stop it.  And no outlet will satisfy it; everything I do just makes it worse.  I cried and screamed and punched the chair I was sitting in and threw a book across the room.  I wanted to yell and scream at someone--I wished Corey was here so I could tell him how disgusting of a person I think he is.  I just wanted to take it out on something but I knew nothing would help.

I thought about cutting myself.  I thought about swallowing all the Lithium I have left and hopefully dying from it.  It was that bad of a breakdown.

And after the rage started to subside I cried for a little while, and then I apologized to Jerbs and she cuddled me for a bit, and I felt better.

So even though yes, I had a breakdown, the silver lining is that last sentence.  I FELT BETTER.  I calmed down and then I was . . . OK.  I mean, I wasn't in the best mood ever after, I was a little blah and out of it but that's better than how I felt during the breakdown.  And that is an incredible amount of an improvement.  Because before, these breakdowns would last hours, whereas this one was maybe 20 minutes total.  And before, even after the breakdown, I'd be a total grouch for a few hours at least, and most of the time for even longer--sometimes days after the breakdown.

So I am getting better.  I am improving, and I am making progress.  Thank God!