Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

I miss you.  More than anything, that's what I feel right now.  For some reason I've just really been aware of it lately--how much I miss you and how strange it is to just not really have you in my life.

I won't lie, sometimes I feel bitter and angry towards you; sometimes I wish you were here just so I could yell at you for breaking my heart.  I think of things sometimes and just get made.  Like that it feels like a slap in the face that you dumped me on the last day of school; that you were like, you helped me get through the school year and now take a hike.  That really, really fucking hurt.  Or about how you promised to help me get better and then sent me away to do it by myself.  (I know that's not right, because when you were willing to help me I wasn't willing to be helped, and I know that).  Sometimes I think you just want someone who's perfect and I couldn't be perfect fast enough.

Sometimes I just wonder what went wrong.  Because sometimes it still feels very unreal.

But at the end of the day I always still love you.  And I still hope with all my heart that eventually we'll both be in a place where we can be together again.  That's what I want.

The thing is, when we were together, even though I loved you and was sure, there was always this tiny part of my head that questioned whether or not it was really what I wanted.  I think it was mostly just mental illness but every now and then I'd have a day where I'd wonder what it would be like if I weren't with you, if I weren't getting married, etc.  It always went away but it bugged me that I thought those things at all, mental illness or no.

But the time apart from you has made me realize how much that is what I want.  I want to be with you.  I want to get married.  I want to build a life with you and do all of the things we'd planned to do together.  And  I hope that on some level you still want that too.

I love you.  Very much.

Love,
Jessica