Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Tonight I just feel angry with you.

I'm angry with you for not calling me or texting me--for not even texting me back when I text you something meaningless.  I guess I expected more concern on your part.

I'm angry with you for making me feel so stupid, for making me feel like our whole relationship was a lie.  I think back to times when I felt genuinely happy and when I thought you did too, and now I feel like in those moments . . . you were just pretending.  But I wasn't pretending; those moments really were my life.  And I think about how excited I was to talk about our wedding, and I remember asking you about invitations and colors and the ceremony and venues and you never cared about any of it.  I believe now that you never wanted to marry me, and I feel stupid for being excited about those things.  I feel like such a freaking idiot.  I wish you had ended it sooner, because I feel like I got led on, and I don't like that.  I have never felt so foolish.

I feel foolish for being excited to marry you and foolish for thinking you could ever actually be happy with someone like me.

I really believed that you cared for me.

I know that I caused a lot of the issues in our relationship, and I regret that more than you know.  But you have to understand that I will never, ever, EVER be perfect.  I will never not be bipolar, and even once all that is totally under control, I won't be perfect.  Sometimes I felt like that's what you wanted--perfection.  Smiles and happiness all the time.  And that's just not realistic.  I'm sorry I can't be perfect.  But I did love you, more than anything, unconditionally.  I thought you felt that way too.

There are moments when I wish we'd never met.  When I wish I'd taken Theresa home after the first store we went to that night instead of dragging her to WalMart with me.  Or that I'd never offered to give you a shoulder to cry on, or that I'd told you no when you asked me to go get ice cream with you that night.  The memories of the good times really aren't enough to make it worth it--especially since I was the only one who was ever happy in our relationship.

Sometimes I think about how much I want to be with you and work things out but I honestly don't know that I'd ever be able to trust you again.  I see you . . . differently now, I guess, because I honestly didn't believe you could hurt me this much.  I know that I've hurt you too, and I've done everything I can to make up for that.

It hurts more than you know to be nothing to you.

Love,
Jessica