The First Step

I'm starting to get a little frustrated.  When I decided to move back to Flagstaff, I was pretty upbeat about it. I mean, I'm still heartbroken over the whole situation, but I thought, this'll be my chance to really get myself together.  To really improve myself so that I can live my life with or without Corey.  And I feel so READY to do all that, I feel so READY to finally get better once and for all.

And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned.  I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.

The first step is to get a well paying full time job.  I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well.  I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.

Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place.  It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule.  And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.

Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car.  This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it.  A car would just make everything so much more convenient.  No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too).  And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD.  I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10.  It just made me feel like less than myself somehow.  And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.

If I had a  car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks.  And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.

Having money would allow me to start therapy.  This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication.  So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist.  That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.

So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me.  In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.

I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.