A Confession

Quite a few times since Ex-Fiance broke up with me, I've had these moments where I suddenly feel overwhelmed with this thought of, I was supposed to be married by now.*  And it usually makes me sad, or bitter, or angry, depending on how my day is going at the time.

And then last night I was hanging out with Jerbs and my friend Theresa, and that thought hit me, and instead of any negative emotion, I felt relieved.

I am relieved that I am not married right now.

Don't get me wrong.  My feelings for Ex-Fiance haven't changed, and I still want to be married someday.  And yes, I'm still very sad that I didn't get to experience being a bride and a wedding and all that.

But the thought of getting married feeling the way I was in our relationship . . . I can't imagine doing that.  Because the truth is I didn't want to get married with the way things were; I knew I wasn't mentally healthy enough to do it.  But I didn't want to initiate a break because I was afraid that Ex-Fiance wouldn't wait for me.  The thought of being in Kingman right now, in a new marriage, still struggling with mental illness makes me sick to my stomach.

That is not what I want.  That is NEVER what I wanted.

I was adamant from the very beginning that I didn't want to get married mentally ill.  I feel like I've already lost a chunk of my life to mental illness--I flat out refuse to sacrifice one second of my marriage to it as well.  I feel like my marriage (be it to Ex-Fiance or someone else) will be the most important, sacred, beautiful, meaningful thing in my life, and I don't want the bullshit in my head touching that.  Yes, I was getting better, but I was nowhere near where I needed to be to be a good partner.

And I think that's why this happened.  Because as much as I love Ex-Fiance (and as much as I know he loves me) there is no way we could have made a marriage work with mental illness still being so much a part of me.

So for those reasons, I'm relieved that we didn't go through with it.  I hope we do someday but . . . I really don't want to get married until we're ready.  It's just difficult because I feel like, if we're meant to be we're wasting time.  But I tell myself that I'm only 27 (and Ex-Fiance's only 24) and there's plenty of time left to live together and be married and experience life together.

Do I think Ex-Fiance handled this all as well as he could?  God no.  Am I expecting a huge ass apology if we decide to work things out?  Damn right I am!  But do I think he had a point? . . . Yeah, I do.

The thing is, I know what I need to do to get really and truly better, and I'm going to make it happen.

*I don't mean supposed to be as in I'm a girl so I have to be married to a man before I'm 30 or whatever.  I just mean it as in, Ex-Fiance and I had planned to be married in December of 11, then March of 12, then June of 12, so really, I expected to be married now.