Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance

I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier.  Really, I am.  I shouldn't take it out on you.  Sometimes, though, when everything starts to pile up (like no one calling me for a job and not having a car and not being able to sleep and not having any money and not being sure when I'll be able to see my psychiatrist or get my medication again) it's hard to not blame you.  Like, my head will just kind of sneak in this thought that you put me here, that if you hadn't decided to be selfish and dump me I'd still be in Kingman, helping you set up your classroom and getting ready to start bells and orchestra with you again.

And I do miss that life, more than I even believe I do.  I want those things back.  But at the same time I know I wasn't really happy there either.

Most of that unhappiness had to do with me.  I love(d) you and I was so glad to be living with you and I was looking forward to a life together but my head still never felt right.  But there was so much else going on that I couldn't focus on that.

I know that this is where I need to be right now, it's just hard.  I miss you.  A lot.

But I still believe that we had something very good and very real between us.  That connection and those feelings couldn't be fake--at least, I don't think so.  And I still believe that if we take some time and if I get better we could have a really wonderful life together.

And that's what I want.

And I want to know if there is any part of you that feels the same.  If there's any part of you that wants that too.

I want you to know that if that were the case--if you did want to work things out, if you did want to acknowledge that we're still committed to each other--it wouldn't change anything.  I wouldn't rush back to Kingman and move back in with you or anything like that.  We could just . . . talk things through, visit each other, whatever.

And I wouldn't expect to jump right back into being engaged, either.  I would be content to call you my boyfriend again.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this; it's just what's been on my mind tonight.  I think there is some tiny (and very pathetic) part of me that thinks maybe you do still love me like that, but you don't want to say it because you're afraid of my reaction.

Anyway.  I'm exhausted and rambling so goodnight.

I love you.

Love,
Jessica