Struggle

Sometimes I feel like living my life is a huge chore.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living moment by moment.  Like in my head I'm thinking, it's ok, focus, get through the next 10 minutes.  Then the next 10 minutes and the next and the next.

It blows.  I feel a lot like I did a couple years ago when just being awake didn't feel right.  When I wondered everyday what I was going to do and why, when everything I did came with these thoughts of what will I do once I'm finished with this?  What then what then what then what then?

It's miserable.  I'm miserable.

I want to see Ex-Fiance so badly.  I hate being apart.  I'm done with it.  Like I've said before I don't necessarily expect to move back to Kingman right away or anything like that; all I want to know is that he's still committed to me.  That he's not looking for someone else and that he still wants to be with me.

I have never been so unhappy.  I hate feeling this way.  Most mornings I wake up and immediately I either just feel awful and want to cry or I feel full of rage and want to kick and throw and break things.  But I know I can't . . . mostly because nothing here is mine and it would be highly inappropriate to break Jerbs' things.  So yeah, I feel like I have no outlet for the rage and there's nothing I can do to control it.  I have felt this way before--I used to feel this way everyday.  In fact I felt this way everyday for about 2 years.

Coming back to it now . . . I really don't understand how I did it.  How I made it through, how I managed not to kill myself.

If anything, though, it's proof that even if I wasn't perfect I was still doing a lot better.

I haven't been sleeping for crap.  I can't focus on anything.  I feel a sort of terror when I think of really focusing on anything, which is a weird feeling--but one I'm familiar with.

I think right now a big chunk of all that is that I am completely out of Paxil.  I still have some Lithium left (quite a bit, actually) but no Paxil.  And it's been . . . about 2 weeks since I had a full dose of it.  So no wonder I'm so fucked up right now.  Tonight Jerbs bought me some St. Johns Wort so that I could at least have something in my system for the depression.  So hopefully that helps because honestly, I know I won't make it through much more of feeling like this.  I absolutely cannot take it.

I just want my life back.  I want Ex-Fiance back.  I want . . . I don't know how to put it into words but I want to LIVE and I want something that isn't this.