Until about a week ago, I was planning to write an entry entitled "Less and Less." I was going to talk about how since I've been here, and especially in the past few weeks, I find my mind on Ex-Fiance less and less.
Because really, I hadn't been thinking about him much. There was a point when I was first here where he was constantly on my mind, where him and the breakup and how much I wanted to go home were all I could think about every single day. Where everything reminded me of Ex-Fiance, and I'd randomly wonder what he was doing and feel an anxiety attack coming on.
But those thoughts lessened and lessened. They never went away completely, but at some point I started thinking about myself more and more. I started making plans for myself and my future--plans that I like and that I'm happy about. I felt more and more that getting over Ex-Fiance was something I'd be able to handle and I got to a point that there was no question in my mind that I could be happy without him.
I'd still think about him now and then. Occasionally things would still remind me of him, but I'd just kind of let it go instead of feeling anxious. And sometimes I wonder what he's doing and if he's seeing someone else, and those thoughts aren't happy ones, but I don't focus on them anymore. And every now and then, I'd be doing something and it would kind of hit me that I was engaged to be married and that I'd been living somewhere else and that I'd had this whole other life--but like I said, I just kind of learned to not focus on it.
It got to a point where when I did think of Ex-Fiance, it felt almost fake, almost like it never happened.
So that was all going on and it was good and fine and I was doing OK, and then out of nowhere . . . Ex-Fiance was on my mind again.
It probably started a little less than a week ago, and I think it started with a CD at work. (Yes, a CD, isn't that stupid?) It's a jazz CD called "Alone Together: Essential Late Night Jazz" and . . . yeah. I bought it because it was like $1.10 with my employee discount.
So ever since then, I just . . . I don't know. The most random things make me think of Corey and my mind keeps wandering back to good times in our relationship. I keep thinking about how much I wanted to have a life with him, and how much I still want that. I still want to be with him--no matter how stupid or pathetic or whatever it makes me, that's what I want. I know I can be happy without him and I know that I'll find my own way but I'd rather find my way with him.
I don't hear from Ex-Fiance anymore; I don't even know if he asks Jenny about me anymore (I'm afraid to ask). I know that I need to be patient. I know that if Ex-Fiance's going to get to a point where he wants to discuss us and potentially work things out and try again, he has to get there on his own. I need to give him time and space and I'm doing this as best as I can.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my own plans. I mean, I'm not sitting around waiting for Ex-Fiance to call or anything like that. It just means I'm also not giving up hope, because I really do think Ex-Fiance is my soul mate. And my gut feeling is that he still loves me and thinks the same of me.
So we'll see what happens.
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