Recently, mostly out of boredom, I've gone through my Twitter account, reading tweets from the past two years--basically since I met Corey. That inspired me to do the same thing on Facebook, and what started out as just something to do because I was bored ended up being pretty eye opening.
First of all, I remember how detached and disengaged I felt when I wrote a good chunk of those statuses, and it's an odd thing to remember. I remember a lot of the statuses but I also remember only being half there when I wrote them. It's strange, because that sense of detachment is something that has gotten a lot better in the past . . . oh, 5 monthsish. And remembering it was almost terrifying, because in a way, I can't believe I ever lived like that. I can't believe that was ever just my normal. Now . . . well, I feel so much better in that regard, and it's kind of nice to see proof of improvement. As far as the detachment goes, I wonder about how the whole break up thing might have helped with that, and in a way, I think I needed a big, traumatic event to pull me back into my life, if that makes sense. (Although why a big happy event like finding the man of my dreams didn't do that I'll never understand . . . but too late to worry about that now).
Second of all, I was so negative. Every other tweet or FB status that I posted was about being angry or sad or sick . . . I found very few positive things over the years. And that's really just kind of depressing. I mean, I knew I wasn't a happy person because I was sick, but I don't think I ever realized just how negative I was. I feel like I've definitely improved in that area as well, and if you look at my tweets or statuses since the break up, there's a lot more positivity. I still have some bad days and it's not all sunshine but I feel like the bad things now are just normal things to be upset about. Like posting that I'm ticked about not getting the job, or being frustrated over things at work--normal. It's not like it used to be where every little thing that happened to me was negative or pissed me off or whatever.
Third of all--and most significantly, I think--I see the dichotomies in my personality; I see the kind of ups and downs and bipolar-ness of it. Like there'll be statuses about how much I disliked Corey and how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, but then within a day there'll be something about how much I love Corey and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. It's . . . weird. And it kind of makes me go, no wonder there was such tension between us. No wonder I was so uneasy in the relationship--I couldn't figure things out.
I wonder why I was so up and down with Corey. I think, it's just because I was sick. And then I think, could it really be that simple? Is it really just that easily explained?
I think it is. I think it was all the mental illness. I know that for Corey, it got to a point where he decided that we just weren't compatible, and that was what led to the end of our relationship. But I honestly believe that if I were completely mentally healthy and he and I tried again, we would succeed. And this sort of past reading has made me certain that I never would have gotten better while I was with Corey, no matter how much I wanted to.
What I can say is this: I have definitely changed for the better since our break up. Which is not to say that I don't want to get back together with Corey or anything, because I definitely do. I am just so much healthier mentally than I was at that point in time. I read those old tweets and FB statuses and I know that they're mine, I know that those words came from me, but I feel like I'm a different person now than I was then.
I like me a lot better now.
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