Torn & Displaced

Torn and displaced.  Two words that I realized, today, describe how I've been feeling pretty accurately.  And I'm not just talking about the funk of the past couple days, I'm talking about the overall way I've felt since I came back to Flag and all that.

Torn.  Torn between lives, I feel.  On the one hand, I want to go back to where I was before--to Kingman, to Corey, to that life.  I want to incorporate the things I know I want now (like grad school) with that life.  On the other hand, I want to live only this new life; go on to wherever I want, start fresh, find myself all over again.

I don't know.  Early this morning we had a store meeting and when it was over, a co-worker gave me a ride home.  This particular co-worker is a cute, young guy, who I really enjoy talking to.  We have similar views on a lot of things and . . . and he's really cute.  There is no relationship potential there, though, and even if he was interested it couldn't happen.  He's just too young (22 . . . younger than Corey) and he's still figuring out what he wants to do with his life, and I'm past the point of being willing to wait for someone to do that, if that makes sense.  I mean, he's a great guy and a gentleman (guys who open car doors for you even if they're already in the car themselves always get points with me).  But he's the kind of guy I'd probably go out with if circumstances were different.  And as he was driving me home and we were chatting I was thinking of what that might be like, and I was thinking of how there is this small part of me that wants to move on as far as Corey is concerned.  A small part of me wants to be finished with him, to let it go and get over it and let myself be open to someday being with someone new.

Later, after I was at home, I was thinking back to our conversation and the trip home, and I remembered that he had taken Soliere.  And all of a sudden I flashed back to the first night I hung out with Corey, the night before our first date, and I remembered that he had taken me home via Soliere too--because he wanted to extend our time together and wasn't ready to say good night.  And just like that I was very aware of the even bigger part of me that is completely not ready to move on.

Displaced.  Displaced because I don't really feel like I belong anywhere right now, like I'm not sure where my place is.

I don't have a real home right now.  I'm crashing with Jerbs, and most of my things are in boxes in a different city.  There's really not a place for me right now.  It's not something that really overwhelms me or anything, but it is frustrating.  I would like to have a place that feels like home and where I can unpack and feel like I'm living, y'know?  I feel like if I had that it would make other things easier (like settling down to read or write or work on grad school).  I would be far more comfortable.

I tell myself that someday it'll happen.  Someday I'll have my own place or a place with someone I love; someday I won't feel caught in the middle of things; someday things will have shaken out.