Lately

--Work is going OK.  I mean . . . it still mostly sucks but I've gotten 19 hours the past two weeks and 20 this week so I guess that's OK.  I'm still actively looking for a new/full time job but there haven't been as many viable listings lately which sucks.  Hopefully I'll find something soon.

--I haven't made much progress on my grad school application stuff.  The personal statement thing is going to be the death of me . . . or at least of my application.  I'm just not feeling terribly inspired in that area I suppose.

--I've been having a hypersomnia issue.  Lately I just can't seem to get enough sleep.  I mean, I'm a night owl so I always stay up really late (like . . . 3 AM kinda late, since I never work mornings) but I should still be able to be up by 11 AM or noon at the latest . . . or so I'd think.  Lately I've been staying in bed until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and I hate it.  I think at least some of it is the weather; it's freezing so I want to hibernate.  The house is cold, my bed is warm and at least somewhat comfy so . . . yeah.  Also, I may have screwed up my schedule this past Saturday with the whole store meeting thing.  Basically, I couldn't sleep, so I stayed up until 4 in the morning, then went to bed and got up at 6 in the morning to get ready and call a cab.  I got home at around 9 AM and couldn't go to sleep right away, so I stayed up until about 11.  Then I slept until 5:30 PM, so my schedule might just still be thrown off from that.  It wouldn't surprise me.  But still the hypersomnia makes me feel like crap about myself.

--Overall my mood has sucked.  My period came and went and I'm still really really depressed and worried and anxious.  I'm also feeling a little more irritable, like I'm consistently a little closer to anger/rage mood wise.  I effing hate it but I don't know what to do about it.  I don't even really know where it's coming from.  (Well, I have a couple theories but overall I don't know).

--I feel overwhelmed with this sense of dread, just at everything.  Just at the thought of my life going on.  The holidays coming up, needing to get lab work done, trying to find a new job, needing to buy things like a new bed, worrying about Jerbs, worrying about money, not having a car, not really knowing what the hell I'm doing with my life at the moment . . . I just feel like I can't do it anymore.

--I feel like I have just stopped caring.  I just don't care about anything right now.  I more or less just . . . well, I hate my life, I guess.  Maybe not hate, but am very dissatisfied with.  I just . . . I've detached again.  I feel like I'm totally uninvested in my own life all over again.  This is EXACTLY how I felt before and I was so happy to have moved past it and gotten better.  And now I wonder . . . was I wrong?  Am I wrong about getting better?  Am I still just treading water?  I'm taking my Lithium religiously, why is it not doing what it should?  Or is it just life factors that are screwing with me?  I don't know, I can't tell.

So.  Effing.  Frustrating.