Puzzle Pieces

I think one of the issues with my relationship with Corey was that in a way, he was the catalyst for my seeking help for my mental health problems.  Even though I'd known for quite awhile before we met that I needed to get help, it wasn't until we were together and he was encouraging me that I actually did it.

And I admit that he was a big part of the reason.  He made me want to get better.  He made me feel like there was something worth living for, because he was worth living for.  Not that he was the only thing but he was the big one, if that makes sense.  There was just something about how much he said he loved me that made me feel like living was a good thing instead of a bad thing.  Like my life actually meant something to someone.  I know I meant something to my family too but they were far away and busy, and I know I meant something to Jerbs, but she and I had our own set of issues back then.

Now, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with one particular person in your life finally making you want to fix yourself.  But I think my disorders made it hard for me to focus on anyone other than Corey, even in the context of getting better--and that's not healthy, to hang all of your hopes on one person.  And I knew that then and I never really intended things to go that way.  I envisioned it as, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to seek treatment and get help, girl gets better and she and boy fall even more in love now that she's healthy and able to be a good partner, happily ever after.  And instead it went something like, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to get help, girl gets help but is terrified that changing at all will make boy leave her, gets too caught up in being in love with boy to focus on her own issues, things fall completely apart.

I think a lot of it had to do with identity.  I thought, Corey met me and feel for me when I was still sick, and maybe he won't love me if I'm well (stupid, I know, but these disorders are not know for being rational).  And I didn't know who I was when I met him, and since I didn't know who I was alone, I could never figure out who I was in the relationship.  I guess the lesson is that it's dangerous to lose yourself in someone if you're not grounded in yourself first.

There's nothing wrong with being lost in someone as long as you know  the way back to you.  I didn't.

Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, getting my life together.  School, work, car, money, treatment, they're all pieces.  And I think that Corey--or just love in general, be it with him or someone else--is still absolutely a piece of that puzzle.  It's just going to have to be the last piece, not the first piece.