Frustrations, Time Travel, Etc.

So this thyroid thing is getting really, really annoying.

For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about.  But I had no energy.  I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out.  I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns.  It was lame.  I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.

Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating.  I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well!  But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day.  So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting.  I hate it.

I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better.  As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life.  I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows.  I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.

I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely.  I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid?  Slim to none, I'd think.  I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.

Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking.  The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in.  At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling.  It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be).  The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows.  Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed.  Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.

The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.

At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade.  The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually.  I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened.  I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense.  And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.

Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable.  It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear.  Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then.  It scares me.  And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.

I don't like that one bit.

But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.

Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts

I've been feeling blah lately.  I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed.  I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon.  I just hate it.  I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube.  Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.

Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now.  It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia.  Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad.  I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work.  Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out.  I think it's because of the bed situation.  I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks.  It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much.  I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know?  Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor.  Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon.  Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move.  (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).

I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately.  When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that.  And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.

So basically I took this past week off.  I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything.  Just some job apps and I started working on a short story.  That's about it.  I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.

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I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable.  Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it.  Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable.  So I missed two seasons of DWTS.  Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's.  So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online. 

I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar.  Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011.  And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey.  And I just . . . I remembered that night.  With him.

If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried.  Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life.  And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah.  But I really didn't feel that.  (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).

DWTS All Stars

I have to confess that I have a minor obsession with Dancing With the Stars.  It's a total guilty pleasure and I missed most of the last two seasons because Corey and I didn't have cable.  (At one point, Corey was pretty into DWTS as well . . . when we were first dating and he didn't have a TV, he'd always come over on Monday nights and we'd flip between Monday Night Football and DWTS . . . much to the annoyance of Jerbs, who doesn't care for football or dancing).

Anyway, Jerbs and I have cable.  Tonight the All Stars season premiered and it was awesome!  I'm pretty excited that I get to watch it.

I think Pamela Anderson is going to be the first elimination tomorrow night.  So we'll see if I'm right!

Tuesday Edit: I was right!