The past week-ish has just been . . . well, kind of a struggle.
It's really just a little bit of everything. Stress at work, a sort of sinus infection kind of thing (which I've actually had for like the past month . . . ever since my co-workers' kids went back to school last month, it seems like at least one co-worker a week comes down with something, and then they bring those nasty little kid germs into work . . . blech), the whole iffy mental health treatment thing . . . I just haven't been doing well.
Stress at work is high right now because there's some shifting around going on in my department at MHC. Nothing about it will directly impact my job; in fact, the only thing that's really changing for me is that my office mate is moving out, and that's a pretty welcome change at this point. It's really not the shifting of things that bothers me, it's the attitude behind some of it that gets on my nerves, but I think that once everything's done things will calm down. I try not to let myself get too worked up over it, because there's really no point in doing so. Again, absolutely nothing is changing as far as my actual day to day duties, and I know that my boss thinks I'm doing really well job performance wise, so ultimately, there's nothing for me to worry about. I just don't do well with change in general. Besides all of that, a certain incompetent co-worker is getting more and more incompetent, and I'm just getting to my limit of dealing with this person. That feeling is not limited to me, it's pretty much the whole freaking clinic, but the only person who could do something about it chooses to ignore it so . . . it's kind of a mess.
On top of all that, I can feel my mental health slipping a little bit. I can feel myself disengaging, losing interest in things. Not for long periods of time, it kind of comes and goes, but it's still not fun. I've also just started to feel down and anxious quite a bit (again, it kind of comes and goes), and that just sucks. My nerves are also just . . . I don't know. Shot right now. Not all the time, but I've noticed lately that when I have to do something that would make me nervous anyway, it's incredibly magnified. I don't like it. I've also been stress eating and retail therapying, which are both bad ideas. My bank balance is going down and my weight is going up, and I would really like the exact opposite to be happening.
Plus I'm just nervous about the whole new doctor thing. I'm nervous about the financial aspect, I'm nervous that she and I won't click, I'm nervous that she won't be willing to put me back on the medication I'd been on before, I'm nervous about having to get blood work and all that kind of stuff done. I'm nervous about having to re-hash my whole story to someone new, because that's never fun. It's all a little overwhelming. (I did go into her office today to turn in my new patient paperwork, and being able to see the office and sort of feel its vibe has calmed me down quite a bit. I liked what I saw).
Right now, I'm just telling myself to just get through it and it'll all be fine. All of the mental health symptoms I'm having now are ones I've had before, and even more significantly, they're all ones I've beaten before. And there's no reason to think that a decent doctor would totally ignore my history of success with Lithium and not prescribe it again.
Deep breaths. Deep, deep, breaths.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
9.18.2014
1.11.2013
Fuh.Ree.Zing. & Other Stuff From Today
First and foremost, it's cold. Really freaking cold. Jerbs and I were walking home from the bus stop at about 7:30 PM and it was 17 degrees out. I actually wore my thermal pants under my jeans today.
Besides the cold . . . let's see.
I had intended to go get my lab work done yesterday, after we picked up my application from MHC (my new place of employment) and had lunch. Halfway through lunch, though, I asked Jerbs if she had my lab order with her, since it had been in her bag last I'd known. She said she'd set it on the coffee table so I could hold on to it, which I didn't know. And there wasn't time to go all the way home, get the lab order, and make it to the lab before 4 (which is when they close).
So today I got up and left with Jerbs at a little after 7 AM, figuring I'd just get it out of the way. I had to stop at the ATM and take cash out of Jerbs' account, so my plan was to do that, have breakfast to break a couple twenties (if you pay cash you have to pay with exact change, and since medical prices reset at the first of the year, I didn't know exactly what I'd need). Well, not long after we got on the bus, I realized I'd forgotten the lab order. Again.
I went to the ATM and took out a little money (it was the ATM in Biff's so you can't do much with it), had breakfast, went home and got the lab order, stopped at the BoA ATM near the bus stop and took out the rest of the money, went to Safeway and broke another twenty, and then, finally, I got on the bus to the lab. Once I actually made it to the lab with my lab order, it was a super fast process. I think I was there for 7 minutes.
I came home and took a nap, during which I had a really, really, really bad dream that is still making me anxious even right now, which sucks.
I met Jerbs at the bus transfer station so we could go to the new WalMart* and do some grocery shopping. Because grocery shopping is good and having plenty of food to eat at home definitely keeps me from eating out as much.
The ride home sucked because a very drunk guy sat one seat away from Jerbs and me and continued to try to talk to us . . . even though we both completely ignored him. I eventually put in my earbuds and listened to music and Jerbs started reading on her Kindle . . . and in response, this guy started tapping me on the arm. At this point I was pissed, so we decided to move at the next stop . . . and wouldn't you know, that was the stop this douche got off at. Whatever, I was just relieved. I hate drunk people, because I absolutely see no point in getting that trashed and then bothering people on public transportation. And this guy smelled awful. He smelled like green bean casserole . . . if one of the key ingredients in green bean casserole was a quart of vodka. Sick.
So that was today. I'm relieved to have my lab work done. Now the next hurdle is postponing my appointment with my doctor, which I'm sure will make him just super happy. But the appointment is this coming Wednesday and there's a good chance that'll be my first or second day of work at MHC, and I want to make a good first impression.
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*Flagstaff has two WalMarts. The old one is not a super center so it only has a few groceries. The new one is a super center so it has a full grocery section.
Besides the cold . . . let's see.
I had intended to go get my lab work done yesterday, after we picked up my application from MHC (my new place of employment) and had lunch. Halfway through lunch, though, I asked Jerbs if she had my lab order with her, since it had been in her bag last I'd known. She said she'd set it on the coffee table so I could hold on to it, which I didn't know. And there wasn't time to go all the way home, get the lab order, and make it to the lab before 4 (which is when they close).
So today I got up and left with Jerbs at a little after 7 AM, figuring I'd just get it out of the way. I had to stop at the ATM and take cash out of Jerbs' account, so my plan was to do that, have breakfast to break a couple twenties (if you pay cash you have to pay with exact change, and since medical prices reset at the first of the year, I didn't know exactly what I'd need). Well, not long after we got on the bus, I realized I'd forgotten the lab order. Again.
I went to the ATM and took out a little money (it was the ATM in Biff's so you can't do much with it), had breakfast, went home and got the lab order, stopped at the BoA ATM near the bus stop and took out the rest of the money, went to Safeway and broke another twenty, and then, finally, I got on the bus to the lab. Once I actually made it to the lab with my lab order, it was a super fast process. I think I was there for 7 minutes.
I came home and took a nap, during which I had a really, really, really bad dream that is still making me anxious even right now, which sucks.
I met Jerbs at the bus transfer station so we could go to the new WalMart* and do some grocery shopping. Because grocery shopping is good and having plenty of food to eat at home definitely keeps me from eating out as much.
The ride home sucked because a very drunk guy sat one seat away from Jerbs and me and continued to try to talk to us . . . even though we both completely ignored him. I eventually put in my earbuds and listened to music and Jerbs started reading on her Kindle . . . and in response, this guy started tapping me on the arm. At this point I was pissed, so we decided to move at the next stop . . . and wouldn't you know, that was the stop this douche got off at. Whatever, I was just relieved. I hate drunk people, because I absolutely see no point in getting that trashed and then bothering people on public transportation. And this guy smelled awful. He smelled like green bean casserole . . . if one of the key ingredients in green bean casserole was a quart of vodka. Sick.
So that was today. I'm relieved to have my lab work done. Now the next hurdle is postponing my appointment with my doctor, which I'm sure will make him just super happy. But the appointment is this coming Wednesday and there's a good chance that'll be my first or second day of work at MHC, and I want to make a good first impression.
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*Flagstaff has two WalMarts. The old one is not a super center so it only has a few groceries. The new one is a super center so it has a full grocery section.
12.13.2012
Sometimes I Just Want to Rip Out My Hair
Today was one of those days. Just one of those days where I woke up in a fine mood but at some point shortly after I was awake, my mood started to go downhill.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
10.20.2012
Broken Down
The past 36 hours have been a crappy day and a half mental health wise. I've just been very anxious and down.
--I saw an old college acquaintance at work Friday night. It was near the end of my shift; she came through my register but didn't remember me. Which was fine, because we didn't know each other well at all. But I recognized her, and her last name had changed on her rental account, because she's married now. And her husband was with her, and another couple, and it just . . . well, things like that hurt. Seeing other people who are living a life that's closer to what I want and closer to where I think I should be, if that makes sense. It hurts more now because I feel like I got THIS close to that and failed. And it just kind of depressed me.
--Anxiety attack because the Christmas music section is set up work. (Aside from the anxiety I think it's a bit early . . . we should at least wait until the day after Halloween). Normally I love Christmas and am thrilled when I start to see the signs of it everywhere but this year . . . well, this year I just want to skip all the holidays. Fast forward to March of 2013 and let that be that. I think the reasons are obvious.
--This was NAU's Homecoming weekend, which makes me extremely anxious for a few different reasons. I think some of it might be too personal to get into but let me just say that I don't have a lot of fond memories of my college days. Really, looking back on that time just stresses me out and depresses me. And it being Homecoming is just a reminder that my life has gone completely not as expected in a lot of bad ways. I don't have any close friends from college--I really don't. I don't have anyone to go to Homecoming with, or a husband I can take with me to the game and introduce to my old friends. A very small chunk of that has to do with Corey. And it's also difficult for some other relationship related reasons--but those I know are better left for my private journal. I just wish things had gone differently. And I know it's harder because I'm here in Flagstaff, and that if I was in Kingman, away from the college town setting, and living a happy life with the person I love, I'd be fine with it. Sucks.
--Anxiety attack about money. I don't even think I need to elaborate on this one. I know this wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know I had to get more lab work done. I hate having these disorders that require so much attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be better, and I want to be healthy but . . . I'm not in a position where that's an easy thing to do. It gets stressful.
--Guilt. I don't want to go into detail but there's something I'm feeling very guilty about right now. I might elaborate later.
--Corey. In three conversations at work (one Friday, two Saturday), I talked about him to co-workers. Nothing bad or anything, and it was in a way that came naturally--it wasn't like I wanted to talk about him and forced the subject so I could. Not at all. And it just . . . made me miss him so much. And I just felt lonely and combined with everything else . . . I don't know. I'm just so sad, still, about the whole thing. So heart broken. I still love him and care for him so much and right now this whole thing is just so damn painful.
Right now I just feel broken. I'm scared that I'm feeling this way, because I have been doing incredibly well with my Lithium intake--in the time since I got my prescription refilled, I have only missed one dose*. So . . . I don't know, I guess a part of me is like, shouldn't I be fine? But then I remind myself that I'm dealing with a lot of stress at the moment--money (totally legit stress factor), work (hours, issues with co-workers), health needs (lab work), sleep issues (I'm having bed problems at the moment). And lack of sleep is never a good thing for my moods. Plus I could be starting my PMDD cycle; it's the right time for it, but at the same time, last month it started a little later and was a lot milder so . . . I don't know. Maybe I was just less stressed last month?
Silver lining: I didn't have an actual breakdown today. No rage, no throwing things, no wanting to pull my hair out. I didn't even cry. And I fully expected to; the way I felt when I left work today, my plan was get home, eat lunch, have myself a good cry, take a nap. And I skipped the crying part which is a good thing. So it's definitely a far cry from where I was before.
Hopefully I get to feeling better soon. I don't like this.
*One dose=half my daily intake of Lithium.
9.29.2012
Boxes
When I went to Kingman, I didn't take much of my stuff back to Flagstaff with me.
I took my violin, which I'll probably sell, both because I don't really plan on playing it much and because it was a gift from Corey and therefore a reminder of him. I took my sewing machine. And I took three boxes--one of my winter clothes (which I really needed!), one of notebooks and books (mostly because it had the hard copies of the writing samples I want to use for grad school in it), and one that is all of the sentimental things I accumulated during my relationship with Corey--dried flowers, stuffed animals, photos, love letters, our engagement rings.
The only one I'm going to unpack completely is the one of winter clothes. I'll take what I need out of the notebooks/books one and throw the rest into storage, and the last one I just wanted here because it's comforting. I'm not going to open it yet. I thought I'd want to pull out my engagement ring but then I realized that I don't really want to see it on my finger again, unless it's given back to me by him.
Right now the boxes are just sitting on the porch and I've been putting off unpacking/storing them for a week. I don't know why but the thought of going through them makes me incredibly anxious and I don't want to do it. I am absolutely dreading it.
It's silly, really, because it's innocuous stuff--clothes, socks, books that I've owned for years. I have a few theories.
A) I think the stuff in these boxes are all reminders of the old me. Not just the me that was with Corey; not just that life (although I'm sure that's part of it). It's a reminder of being sick and lost and unhappy.
B) It makes me feel cluttered. One of the most significant symptoms of borderline personality disorder is issues of identity--people with it tend to feel like they don't know who they are. And I spent years feeling like that. And when I lived with Corey sometimes I felt . . . like there were a bunch of my identities lying around and I would panic because I wasn't embracing any of them. Like I'd walk into our NERD room and see my flute and violin, my sewing machine and fabric, my notebooks, and I'd have this sense of panic, like oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a musician and a seamstress and a writer and I'd feel like I didn't know which one was the right me. It was horrible. It made it difficult to just live and do what I wanted, because I'd wonder if what I was doing was actually who I was. (This was going on before I met Corey, too).
But when I moved back up here, I only took what I absolutely needed. And that was refreshing. I think not having all of those extra things helped with the identity stuff, and seeing the things in these boxes is like being reminded of other things I'm supposed to be, if that makes sense. I feel more like I can just do what I want--like I can go hiking and go to grad school and have a job and write and read and whatever and it's all just part of ME--and I really don't want to undo that progress.
(Have I mentioned that being borderline absolutely blows? Because it does).
C) Seeing more of my stuff here makes it feel like I really do live here. And obviously, I do live here but . . . I don't know. It makes it seem more real, more permanent. It also reminds me that I don't have my own space right now to put all of my stuff, and that's a little frustrating and depressing.
D) I'm a pack rat and have been my whole life (which is probably borderline related) and being here with only what I needed has kind of made me realize how little I need so much of the stuff I have. But at the same time I can't bring myself to throw things away (probably also borderline related).
Anyway. I'm determined to suck it up and get to it tomorrow, since I'm off.
After all, they're just boxes.
I took my violin, which I'll probably sell, both because I don't really plan on playing it much and because it was a gift from Corey and therefore a reminder of him. I took my sewing machine. And I took three boxes--one of my winter clothes (which I really needed!), one of notebooks and books (mostly because it had the hard copies of the writing samples I want to use for grad school in it), and one that is all of the sentimental things I accumulated during my relationship with Corey--dried flowers, stuffed animals, photos, love letters, our engagement rings.
The only one I'm going to unpack completely is the one of winter clothes. I'll take what I need out of the notebooks/books one and throw the rest into storage, and the last one I just wanted here because it's comforting. I'm not going to open it yet. I thought I'd want to pull out my engagement ring but then I realized that I don't really want to see it on my finger again, unless it's given back to me by him.
Right now the boxes are just sitting on the porch and I've been putting off unpacking/storing them for a week. I don't know why but the thought of going through them makes me incredibly anxious and I don't want to do it. I am absolutely dreading it.
It's silly, really, because it's innocuous stuff--clothes, socks, books that I've owned for years. I have a few theories.
A) I think the stuff in these boxes are all reminders of the old me. Not just the me that was with Corey; not just that life (although I'm sure that's part of it). It's a reminder of being sick and lost and unhappy.
B) It makes me feel cluttered. One of the most significant symptoms of borderline personality disorder is issues of identity--people with it tend to feel like they don't know who they are. And I spent years feeling like that. And when I lived with Corey sometimes I felt . . . like there were a bunch of my identities lying around and I would panic because I wasn't embracing any of them. Like I'd walk into our NERD room and see my flute and violin, my sewing machine and fabric, my notebooks, and I'd have this sense of panic, like oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a musician and a seamstress and a writer and I'd feel like I didn't know which one was the right me. It was horrible. It made it difficult to just live and do what I wanted, because I'd wonder if what I was doing was actually who I was. (This was going on before I met Corey, too).
But when I moved back up here, I only took what I absolutely needed. And that was refreshing. I think not having all of those extra things helped with the identity stuff, and seeing the things in these boxes is like being reminded of other things I'm supposed to be, if that makes sense. I feel more like I can just do what I want--like I can go hiking and go to grad school and have a job and write and read and whatever and it's all just part of ME--and I really don't want to undo that progress.
(Have I mentioned that being borderline absolutely blows? Because it does).
C) Seeing more of my stuff here makes it feel like I really do live here. And obviously, I do live here but . . . I don't know. It makes it seem more real, more permanent. It also reminds me that I don't have my own space right now to put all of my stuff, and that's a little frustrating and depressing.
D) I'm a pack rat and have been my whole life (which is probably borderline related) and being here with only what I needed has kind of made me realize how little I need so much of the stuff I have. But at the same time I can't bring myself to throw things away (probably also borderline related).
Anyway. I'm determined to suck it up and get to it tomorrow, since I'm off.
After all, they're just boxes.
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