Jerbs will be home tomorrow! And I haven't updated once since she left, so my week in review is as follows.
The first thing that happened without Jerbs here was that my sleep schedule went out.the.window. Between the cats being all crazy the first night and just not being able to sleep well alone in the apartment, I slept very little. Which of course meant a nap after work the following day, which meant staying up too late afterwards, which mean a nap after work . . . etc etc etc. It was a vicious cycle. I was so grateful when the weekend finally came.
Other than that it was uneventful. All the pets were bummed, it stormed like crazy all week, I didn't work out once, and I ate more fast food than I should have. I also cleaned the whole apartment except for the laundry room and I feel pretty accomplished for that. That's pretty much it in a nutshell.
This coming week I need to get back on track with my diet and working out. And clean the laundry room. Good times.
7.21.2013
7.17.2013
An Adorable Mess
That's what Jerbs called me last night when I was getting all weepy and emotional about her leaving. Because I'm . . . adorable, I guess.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
7.14.2013
Ditched
I've had a headache for the past week, I feel like, and I just generally feel pretty dang blah right now, but I want to write about the fact that at the moment Jerbs is doing a lot of fun things without me.
She ditched me this weekend to go to Phoenix, where she hung out with the F's (which is what B and her husband will be collectively known on my blog) and went to a concert. She got home a few hours ago (and Max was SO over the top excited to see her it was almost sad haha). She works tomorrow and then Tuesday night she's leaving to go to San Diego where she gets to go to COMIC CON for the whole week with a good friend of hers from college.
Needless to say I'm a little jealous. Mostly of the con thing, because I really want to go!!
Plus I'm not all that fond of being alone so . . . yeah.
Anyway. Just thought I'd share that. Nothing else terribly exciting is going on. I have a lot of things I want to write about in my head I just . . . kinda don't feel like it.
(And I'm not actually mad that Jerbs is doing fun stuff without me. I'm actually really, really excited for her, because she deserves some fun not work time more than anyone I know).
She ditched me this weekend to go to Phoenix, where she hung out with the F's (which is what B and her husband will be collectively known on my blog) and went to a concert. She got home a few hours ago (and Max was SO over the top excited to see her it was almost sad haha). She works tomorrow and then Tuesday night she's leaving to go to San Diego where she gets to go to COMIC CON for the whole week with a good friend of hers from college.
Needless to say I'm a little jealous. Mostly of the con thing, because I really want to go!!
Plus I'm not all that fond of being alone so . . . yeah.
Anyway. Just thought I'd share that. Nothing else terribly exciting is going on. I have a lot of things I want to write about in my head I just . . . kinda don't feel like it.
(And I'm not actually mad that Jerbs is doing fun stuff without me. I'm actually really, really excited for her, because she deserves some fun not work time more than anyone I know).
7.09.2013
Home Sick and Hating It
I'm home sick from work today. I stayed home yesterday too. Which sucks. I HATE HATE HATE missing work . . . it's seriously one of the worst feelings in the world to me. I hate that other people have to do my work for me and I hate worrying that I may lose my job.
To start from the beginning. Around 3:00 Monday morning I woke up HOT. Like, crazy hot. Felt like I was on fire. So I took a frozen water bottle to bed with me and turned on our A/C, and an hour later I was still wide awake and burning. I took a cold shower, I laid in front of my fan, and at 5:30 AM nothing had changed. I was absolutely miserable; my head was pounding, I felt weak and shaky, I felt dizzy and like I might throw up. At 6 all I wanted to do was sleep so finally, out of desperation, I took a sleeping pill (something I never do anymore). I dragged myself up at 7:45 and texted my boss, then I spent the day in bed just trying not to feel like shit. Which didn't do much good because I was s till really sicky for most of the day. It sucked. I was feeling a little bit better last night and I thought, a good night's sleep and I should be fine.
Well, I woke up at about 5:30 this morning feeling exactly the same. So I called in again, and this time I got a stern reply text that if I miss tomorrow I'll need a doctor's note to come back to work and that I need to give more notice of absence. I apologized for the short notice. Oh, and there's no way I'm going to go to a doctor for this. What's a doctor going to say about being heat sick in AZ? "It's July, you live in the desert, suck it up." Totally a waste of time and money.
I'm still not feeling great but I think tomorrow I'm just going to have to suck it up. I wanted to suck it up today and just force myself to go but . . . yeah, didn't happen. My head is pounding just from the few minutes I've spent on the computer typing up this blog entry so I'm pretty sure 8 solid hours of computer time would've killed me.
I'm trying to tell myself that I shouldn't feel bad, because sick happens. (Although no one who misses work to care for their sick kids gets any kind of questioning . . . my workplace may be a smidge biased towards parents, which is lame). And honestly, the way I felt yesterday and today, I'd have been totally useless at work, and I don't think it's fair to get paid for doing nothing. Waste of my time and energy to be there, waste of the company's money to pay me for being there. So yeah. And I'm not really worried about my job because I do good work and everything is caught up, so the only thing anyone had to do for me was payment posting. It's just easy to get paranoid, I think because I was unemployed for so long and I know how bad it sucks. I get to this place where I totally panic thinking of being in that place again.
So my goal is to go back to work tomorrow and just be awesome. I'm already pretty awesome at work but I kind of want to prove that I'm worth having there, y'know? Get all my work done, do the stuff I've been putting off (I dread making patient phone calls so yeah, that gets put off quite a bit), have a good attitude about it . . . etc etc etc.
Anyway. I just needed to vent that and justify things to myself, I guess. But I will say that I really was sick . . . like I really did feel like crud, and going in to work would have been pointless. This isn't fake and it's not mental either. (I'm always afraid that people will think I'm having bipolar issues when I'm out sick . . . down side of being open and honest about those things with my boss and co-workers, right?)
To start from the beginning. Around 3:00 Monday morning I woke up HOT. Like, crazy hot. Felt like I was on fire. So I took a frozen water bottle to bed with me and turned on our A/C, and an hour later I was still wide awake and burning. I took a cold shower, I laid in front of my fan, and at 5:30 AM nothing had changed. I was absolutely miserable; my head was pounding, I felt weak and shaky, I felt dizzy and like I might throw up. At 6 all I wanted to do was sleep so finally, out of desperation, I took a sleeping pill (something I never do anymore). I dragged myself up at 7:45 and texted my boss, then I spent the day in bed just trying not to feel like shit. Which didn't do much good because I was s till really sicky for most of the day. It sucked. I was feeling a little bit better last night and I thought, a good night's sleep and I should be fine.
Well, I woke up at about 5:30 this morning feeling exactly the same. So I called in again, and this time I got a stern reply text that if I miss tomorrow I'll need a doctor's note to come back to work and that I need to give more notice of absence. I apologized for the short notice. Oh, and there's no way I'm going to go to a doctor for this. What's a doctor going to say about being heat sick in AZ? "It's July, you live in the desert, suck it up." Totally a waste of time and money.
I'm still not feeling great but I think tomorrow I'm just going to have to suck it up. I wanted to suck it up today and just force myself to go but . . . yeah, didn't happen. My head is pounding just from the few minutes I've spent on the computer typing up this blog entry so I'm pretty sure 8 solid hours of computer time would've killed me.
I'm trying to tell myself that I shouldn't feel bad, because sick happens. (Although no one who misses work to care for their sick kids gets any kind of questioning . . . my workplace may be a smidge biased towards parents, which is lame). And honestly, the way I felt yesterday and today, I'd have been totally useless at work, and I don't think it's fair to get paid for doing nothing. Waste of my time and energy to be there, waste of the company's money to pay me for being there. So yeah. And I'm not really worried about my job because I do good work and everything is caught up, so the only thing anyone had to do for me was payment posting. It's just easy to get paranoid, I think because I was unemployed for so long and I know how bad it sucks. I get to this place where I totally panic thinking of being in that place again.
So my goal is to go back to work tomorrow and just be awesome. I'm already pretty awesome at work but I kind of want to prove that I'm worth having there, y'know? Get all my work done, do the stuff I've been putting off (I dread making patient phone calls so yeah, that gets put off quite a bit), have a good attitude about it . . . etc etc etc.
Anyway. I just needed to vent that and justify things to myself, I guess. But I will say that I really was sick . . . like I really did feel like crud, and going in to work would have been pointless. This isn't fake and it's not mental either. (I'm always afraid that people will think I'm having bipolar issues when I'm out sick . . . down side of being open and honest about those things with my boss and co-workers, right?)
7.06.2013
Weigh In # 7 (2013)
This post is a few days late because I've just been distracted and busy, but here it is.
199. Which, for the record, is the highest number I've ever seen on a scale when weighing myself. Needless to say it was a disappointment. My measurements have all gone up too, some only a quarter of an inch, others more than that. Also disappointing.
However, I'm working on it. I really am. For example, I went running twice today! And did fairly well food wise. If I can keep this up for the month then my next weigh in should be a lot more uplifting!
199. Which, for the record, is the highest number I've ever seen on a scale when weighing myself. Needless to say it was a disappointment. My measurements have all gone up too, some only a quarter of an inch, others more than that. Also disappointing.
However, I'm working on it. I really am. For example, I went running twice today! And did fairly well food wise. If I can keep this up for the month then my next weigh in should be a lot more uplifting!
So This Happened
So Wednesday. July 3rd. I'm sitting at my desk at work. Late in the afternoon, almost time to go home, bored out of my mind because all my work was finished. I hear my phone vibrate in my desk and since I'm so bored I decide to check it and see who texted me.
And it's Ex-Fiance, texting me something about how when the rental company in Kingman gave him a check for the security deposit on our old house, they put both our names on it, and would I be willing to go with him to cash it. I didn't text him back because I was a little . . . I don't know, surprised. It threw me to see his number on my phone because it's been almost a year since I heard from him and now this when I was totally and completely not expecting it. I assumed he meant he'd be in town at some future date--like next week, maybe--and he wanted me to go with him then.
So then I go home and to my surprise, he's here. At my house, hanging out with Jerbs like it's no big fucking deal, like he has every right to just show up unannounced because he needs a favor, like "and I'm at your house waiting for you so we can do it now" wouldn't have been pertinent information to include in the text he sent me. I was too surprised to be mad at the time but in retrospect . . . yeah, I'm a little pissed off.
He was here for a couple hours. We tried to do the check thing, which didn't work out, which unfortunately means that I still have to be involved in this bullshit, but whatever. We had dinner, with Jerbs, not just us, and then he left, for Chinle, which is where he moved to after the school year ended. I wasn't really surprised to know that. We talked about a lot of nothing. And it was weird and it was awkward and I'm still kind of processing that this even happened.
We never talked about us, and one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I've ever done in my life was to sit across from him chatting like friends and pretending that was all there'd ever been between us. That we'd never lived together or planned a life together or . . . anything else. It hurt. But at the same time it didn't. I don't know . . . I think most of what's come to mind since this little visit is meant for private journaling but I wanted to vent some of it to the universe, I suppose.
It was just such a bizarre and confusing experience. I hadn't really been thinking about him much and this brought back a lot of things, and the end result is not what I'd have expected. Suffice it to say that since he left I've just kind of had a lot on my mind.
And it's Ex-Fiance, texting me something about how when the rental company in Kingman gave him a check for the security deposit on our old house, they put both our names on it, and would I be willing to go with him to cash it. I didn't text him back because I was a little . . . I don't know, surprised. It threw me to see his number on my phone because it's been almost a year since I heard from him and now this when I was totally and completely not expecting it. I assumed he meant he'd be in town at some future date--like next week, maybe--and he wanted me to go with him then.
So then I go home and to my surprise, he's here. At my house, hanging out with Jerbs like it's no big fucking deal, like he has every right to just show up unannounced because he needs a favor, like "and I'm at your house waiting for you so we can do it now" wouldn't have been pertinent information to include in the text he sent me. I was too surprised to be mad at the time but in retrospect . . . yeah, I'm a little pissed off.
He was here for a couple hours. We tried to do the check thing, which didn't work out, which unfortunately means that I still have to be involved in this bullshit, but whatever. We had dinner, with Jerbs, not just us, and then he left, for Chinle, which is where he moved to after the school year ended. I wasn't really surprised to know that. We talked about a lot of nothing. And it was weird and it was awkward and I'm still kind of processing that this even happened.
We never talked about us, and one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I've ever done in my life was to sit across from him chatting like friends and pretending that was all there'd ever been between us. That we'd never lived together or planned a life together or . . . anything else. It hurt. But at the same time it didn't. I don't know . . . I think most of what's come to mind since this little visit is meant for private journaling but I wanted to vent some of it to the universe, I suppose.
It was just such a bizarre and confusing experience. I hadn't really been thinking about him much and this brought back a lot of things, and the end result is not what I'd have expected. Suffice it to say that since he left I've just kind of had a lot on my mind.
7.04.2013
Independence Day
I remember, last year on the 4th of July, hiking up into the woods by the apartment with Jerbs to watch the fireworks. They set them off at the mall so we could see most of the show from here; I'd been back in Flagstaff for 3 days.
I remember standing there in the forest consumed by this overwhelming feeling that my life had stopped making sense. That when I looked at my life it was foreign to me, like I didn't know it anymore; I had been on one path, imagining one future, and that was gone. I was confused and anxious and sad and angry and I missed Ex-Fiance and I was still very, very bipolar. I was miserable and I had no idea what I was going to do.
But today, having a drink at Rendezvous and wandering around downtown with B and her husband (who came up for the day), driving through a massive rainstorm to the mall, eating a sushi dinner with the B's and Jerbs at Karma, and missing most of the fireworks show (minus what we saw from the highway) because they started them early due to the storm . . . I was nothing but content. Happy. In love with my life, exactly the way it is.
It feels so good.
I remember standing there in the forest consumed by this overwhelming feeling that my life had stopped making sense. That when I looked at my life it was foreign to me, like I didn't know it anymore; I had been on one path, imagining one future, and that was gone. I was confused and anxious and sad and angry and I missed Ex-Fiance and I was still very, very bipolar. I was miserable and I had no idea what I was going to do.
But today, having a drink at Rendezvous and wandering around downtown with B and her husband (who came up for the day), driving through a massive rainstorm to the mall, eating a sushi dinner with the B's and Jerbs at Karma, and missing most of the fireworks show (minus what we saw from the highway) because they started them early due to the storm . . . I was nothing but content. Happy. In love with my life, exactly the way it is.
It feels so good.
7.02.2013
Today Was A Good Day
Today:
--Told the PR/marketing director at work about my English degree and offered my help with any writing/editing type tasks she might have going on. So now I get to write the official press release for our new nutritionist, and if that goes well, I'll potentially get to do more writing projects in the future! I'm so freaking stoked!!! I know it's not much, but still, I'm really excited.
--My boss asked me if everything was OK since I've been late almost every day since I got my car. I was honest with her and told her that I just don't do well with mornings and I have a hard time getting the timing right and all that. So now my work hours are 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. Hell.fucking.yes. I love having a boss that's awesome and understanding! And I really don't mind staying later, since I usually do anyway, because I hit my stride in the afternoon. Seriously, I love my boss. I don't want her to leave.
--It poured down rain on both sides of town for a good hour, and it's still cloudy out. Which meant an amazing, cool, beautiful afternoon and early evening. Such a great break from the ridiculous heat we've had the past week or so.
--The rain left some perfect running weather when it stopped, so I headed for the lakes by our house and ran 1.42 km (I've decided to measure in kilometers, since it's more impressive, and that's all my stupid pedometer apparently measures in). I suppose I can't really say I ran, because I more jogged with some walking bits thrown in, but still. The point is I WORKED OUT!! So good for me. And at the end of the jog when I was thinking that I really hadn't done much and feeling a little disappointed with myself, I asked myself if I'd have been able to go that distance, at that speed, at this altitude, a year ago. And the answer is definitely not.
Speaking of a year ago, yesterday marked one year that I've been back in Flagstaff, and I'm sure there'll be a long drippy entry about that soon. Because I need to talk about it. I also have to do my weigh in entry but for now, I just wanted to record some happiness.
--Told the PR/marketing director at work about my English degree and offered my help with any writing/editing type tasks she might have going on. So now I get to write the official press release for our new nutritionist, and if that goes well, I'll potentially get to do more writing projects in the future! I'm so freaking stoked!!! I know it's not much, but still, I'm really excited.
--My boss asked me if everything was OK since I've been late almost every day since I got my car. I was honest with her and told her that I just don't do well with mornings and I have a hard time getting the timing right and all that. So now my work hours are 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. Hell.fucking.yes. I love having a boss that's awesome and understanding! And I really don't mind staying later, since I usually do anyway, because I hit my stride in the afternoon. Seriously, I love my boss. I don't want her to leave.
--It poured down rain on both sides of town for a good hour, and it's still cloudy out. Which meant an amazing, cool, beautiful afternoon and early evening. Such a great break from the ridiculous heat we've had the past week or so.
--The rain left some perfect running weather when it stopped, so I headed for the lakes by our house and ran 1.42 km (I've decided to measure in kilometers, since it's more impressive, and that's all my stupid pedometer apparently measures in). I suppose I can't really say I ran, because I more jogged with some walking bits thrown in, but still. The point is I WORKED OUT!! So good for me. And at the end of the jog when I was thinking that I really hadn't done much and feeling a little disappointed with myself, I asked myself if I'd have been able to go that distance, at that speed, at this altitude, a year ago. And the answer is definitely not.
Speaking of a year ago, yesterday marked one year that I've been back in Flagstaff, and I'm sure there'll be a long drippy entry about that soon. Because I need to talk about it. I also have to do my weigh in entry but for now, I just wanted to record some happiness.
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