Today is World Mental Health Day! So I figured . . . what better day to finally come back to my blog and post an update about my mental health journey?
Overall, right now, my mental health is in a really good place. In the time since I moved to Washington, I've gotten a psychiatrist, been diagnosed with OCD, and started on a new antidepressant.
The thing is, my mental health had been dipping quite a bit before I left AZ. For probably the last year that I was in Flagstaff, I started developing OCD symptoms. Now, I struggled with OCD as a child, and there's always been a small element of it with my issues, but it had never been a huge problem for me as an adult. When Jenny and I got to WA, the OCD peaked--I'm sure the stress of the move and the transition into working from home contributed. It got to a point where it was impacting my life: showering was a massive undertaking that took hours, I couldn't leave the house without doing multiple OCD routines, I wasn't sleeping . . . it was a nightmare. I started seeing my psychiatrist in the summer of 2017, and at that point, the plan was just to get me re-medicated and see if that helped. I had hopes that it would, because the OCD had been getting worse as my medication issues had gone on (remember, I didn't have a regular psychiatrist and regular prescriptions for the last year or so I was in Flagstaff).
For all of 2018 I did well with my meds, but the OCD just got worse. So in January of 2019, I told my psychiatrist I needed something different, because I just couldn't do it anymore. I had done a lot of research and I asked to be put on Zoloft. Thankfully my doctor was totally on board, and he thought Zoloft was a great option for me. So we started that, and I titrated up to a 200 mg/day dose, and . . . it has actually helped a TON! I've eliminated or limited a bunch of routines, and even with the stuff I'm still working on, my life isn't nearly as impacted by it. I feel SO MUCH BETTER than I used to, so much more capable of just living my life. It's great. And hopefully it keeps getting better, because there are definitely still some things I'm working on.
Another thing that's been really good the past year-ish has been that I've been able to really think about my issues and kind of delve into them and figure myself out. For example, I've recognized a very specific anxiety trigger that has been with me since I was a kid, I was just never able to quantify it before. And I recognize that my OCD gets worse in certain situations, like when I'm PMS-ing.
My overreaction/rage issues are pretty much completely gone. That's probably the biggest change I've noticed about myself is that I'm just calm about things that, if they happened years ago, would have made me break down. Last fall, for example, Jenny and I went to leave the apartment to run errands one day, and the car wouldn't start. I couldn't get it towed for a couple days, and then it took a few days to fix, and . . . it just didn't bother me. I mean, I wasn't thrilled, because it was a very expensive annoyance, but I took the bus when I needed to go out (I was still working at home when this happened) and just . . . handled it. As frustrating as it was, it was good to see that progress. I'm just a lot more capable of dealing with life than I used to be.
I also have a much stronger sense of self than I used to. That was something I struggled with for a long, long time--feeling like I didn't know myself and had no clue who I was. And I remember stressing about weird things like not having a cohesive set of hobbies and stuff like that. But now I'm in a place where I can just embrace and be happy with whatever I feel like doing because . . . it's all me. (I know that's cheesy as hell but it's true!) Some days I write, some days I sew, some days I hike, some days I play Overwatch . . . and it's all awesome and I love it. I actually LIKE myself now and holy crap, it's a good feeling.
And of course, Jenny has been a fantastic help and support through all of this. I truly don't know what I'd do without her. (For the record, we're still just roommates/best friends/exes . . . and it's still easy and not weird or awkward or anything.)
I really am happier and more content than I've ever been as an adult, and I have so much hope and optimism for the future! I think things will only get better from here.
