I worked.
I couldn't sleep the night before and finally fell asleep at about 7 AM on Halloween. Needless to say my mind/body were not happy when my alarm went off at 10 AM so . . .
I overslept, missed the bus, and was a half an hour late. The person I spoke to when I called neglected to let anyone know that I'd called, so my boss was not happy when I got there.
The books half of my shift was easy aside from the LS manager constantly reminding me that he was off at five so I needed to take my lunch from 4--5. Which was no problem except that at like ten 'til 5 I got pulled up front to run register during during the shift change, so I didn't get to my lunch until a little after 5, so the LS manager was pissed. I was like dude, this is so not my fault--our boss is the one who can't write a schedule properly so there are these effing gaps in coverage.
During the LS half of my shift I got called up front for something and one of my co-workers pointed out a rip in the underarm of my shirt. And when I got upset she asked why it was a big deal, and I said I just liked that shirt, but really, it's because it's one of like 5 shirts I have that are wearable. Sucks.
I stocked USED CD's and did a good close, because oooh, the department actually looks decent now because corporate sent someone to whip our store into shape. That's a true story--a store manager from somewhere in Washington is working at our store until the end of the year(ish) to bring us up to standards. First of all it's pathetic that that had to happen but whatever. Second of all, most of my co-workers are acting like this guy is a freaking god when really all he's done since he got here was straighten/re-zone Trends and Novelties. And I'm not denying, it looks great. But honestly, any one of us who knows LS could've done the exact same thing if we were given the same considerations this d-bag was--unlimited hours and permission to JUST zone--no customer service, no stocking, no flex, etc. So sorry but I'm not impressed. Plus the guy's just kind of an arrogant ass who walks around acting like he's God's gift to Hastings when he's worked for the company for less than a year.
About ten minutes before I was off I went to the back so I could get my stuff and print my schedule for next week and whatever, and I get back there and hear someone in the cash office. It was the girl who'd been on register one (she's really new) and she was attempting to run her audit. But . . . no one ever taught her how to do an audit. Sigh. So I had to show her. And I actually don't mind training at all--I kind of love training newbies, actually--but not when A) I'm not expecting it; B) I have to leave like RIGHT THEN so I could catch the bus; and C) The person I'm training is so stressed out about the whole thing that she's almost in tears and about to have an anxiety attack. Oh, and D) My mental health is already shot. I find it SO aggravating that this poor girl was just kind of thrown to the wolves, and that none of our upper managers bothered doing their jobs and training her. To me, that's a lot more annoying than having had to train her myself and all that.
And then, in the midst of all this going on I checked next week's schedules and I'm scheduled 7AM--4PM on Sunday (11/4). The thing is, I'm listed as NOT AVAILABLE on Sundays. I have been since I started back at the Kingman store in September of last year. Initially I did it because I wanted Corey and I to have one day completely off together, and now it's just my day for myself, y'know? So trying to give my boss the benefit of the doubt I checked to see if maybe my availability had gotten changed in the system . . . it hadn't. So either their scheduling system has a glitch or my boss just doesn't effing pay attention. I left my boss a note, but I'll say this--I am not working Sunday. Period, the end. Their error, their problem.
I am so sick and tired of this store, I really am. I hope I find a new job soon, and even if I don't, I'm thinking I'll probably put in my two weeks' notice soon. I'm just about done.
10.31.2012
Happy Halloween!!
Happy Halloween!!
On this day, just remember the true meaning of this holiday.
The day a child was born to remind us all not to raise an army of dead guys just because you can.
On this day, just remember the true meaning of this holiday.
The day a child was born to remind us all not to raise an army of dead guys just because you can.
10.30.2012
Weigh In # 8
175.
So yes, I've gained back a pound. :(
It disappoints me but I'm not surprised given how I've been living the past few weeks. At the same time it doesn't really inspire me to want to work harder because I'm just . . . I'm kind of in I don't care mode at the moment.
Hopefully at some point soon I'll be able to get back on track, because I know I really need to. I don't know how the working out thing will . . . well, work out, because it's just too flippin' cold to walk to the work out room at night now. That's the big reason I've stopped working out--it's just too cold, and the thought of getting all bundled up and walking all the way over there, then working out and getting all re-bundled up and walking all the way back really isn't pleasant. (Another reason I need a job with regular hours . . . I feel like if I was home by 5 or 6 instead of 9 or 10 working out would be easier).
But I have no reason to be eating the way I have been. I was doing OK kicking the fast food addiction and all of a sudden it came back. I really haven't done well diet wise since that trip to Kingman at the end of September, and there's a part of me that thinks maybe that whole experience was just so negative it made me revert to what I've always done for comfort.
Well. We'll see how this week goes. Thursday starts a new month so maybe I can make November better than October.
So yes, I've gained back a pound. :(
It disappoints me but I'm not surprised given how I've been living the past few weeks. At the same time it doesn't really inspire me to want to work harder because I'm just . . . I'm kind of in I don't care mode at the moment.
Hopefully at some point soon I'll be able to get back on track, because I know I really need to. I don't know how the working out thing will . . . well, work out, because it's just too flippin' cold to walk to the work out room at night now. That's the big reason I've stopped working out--it's just too cold, and the thought of getting all bundled up and walking all the way over there, then working out and getting all re-bundled up and walking all the way back really isn't pleasant. (Another reason I need a job with regular hours . . . I feel like if I was home by 5 or 6 instead of 9 or 10 working out would be easier).
But I have no reason to be eating the way I have been. I was doing OK kicking the fast food addiction and all of a sudden it came back. I really haven't done well diet wise since that trip to Kingman at the end of September, and there's a part of me that thinks maybe that whole experience was just so negative it made me revert to what I've always done for comfort.
Well. We'll see how this week goes. Thursday starts a new month so maybe I can make November better than October.
Lately
--Work is going OK. I mean . . . it still mostly sucks but I've gotten 19 hours the past two weeks and 20 this week so I guess that's OK. I'm still actively looking for a new/full time job but there haven't been as many viable listings lately which sucks. Hopefully I'll find something soon.
--I haven't made much progress on my grad school application stuff. The personal statement thing is going to be the death of me . . . or at least of my application. I'm just not feeling terribly inspired in that area I suppose.
--I've been having a hypersomnia issue. Lately I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I mean, I'm a night owl so I always stay up really late (like . . . 3 AM kinda late, since I never work mornings) but I should still be able to be up by 11 AM or noon at the latest . . . or so I'd think. Lately I've been staying in bed until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and I hate it. I think at least some of it is the weather; it's freezing so I want to hibernate. The house is cold, my bed is warm and at least somewhat comfy so . . . yeah. Also, I may have screwed up my schedule this past Saturday with the whole store meeting thing. Basically, I couldn't sleep, so I stayed up until 4 in the morning, then went to bed and got up at 6 in the morning to get ready and call a cab. I got home at around 9 AM and couldn't go to sleep right away, so I stayed up until about 11. Then I slept until 5:30 PM, so my schedule might just still be thrown off from that. It wouldn't surprise me. But still the hypersomnia makes me feel like crap about myself.
--Overall my mood has sucked. My period came and went and I'm still really really depressed and worried and anxious. I'm also feeling a little more irritable, like I'm consistently a little closer to anger/rage mood wise. I effing hate it but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even really know where it's coming from. (Well, I have a couple theories but overall I don't know).
--I feel overwhelmed with this sense of dread, just at everything. Just at the thought of my life going on. The holidays coming up, needing to get lab work done, trying to find a new job, needing to buy things like a new bed, worrying about Jerbs, worrying about money, not having a car, not really knowing what the hell I'm doing with my life at the moment . . . I just feel like I can't do it anymore.
--I feel like I have just stopped caring. I just don't care about anything right now. I more or less just . . . well, I hate my life, I guess. Maybe not hate, but am very dissatisfied with. I just . . . I've detached again. I feel like I'm totally uninvested in my own life all over again. This is EXACTLY how I felt before and I was so happy to have moved past it and gotten better. And now I wonder . . . was I wrong? Am I wrong about getting better? Am I still just treading water? I'm taking my Lithium religiously, why is it not doing what it should? Or is it just life factors that are screwing with me? I don't know, I can't tell.
So. Effing. Frustrating.
--I haven't made much progress on my grad school application stuff. The personal statement thing is going to be the death of me . . . or at least of my application. I'm just not feeling terribly inspired in that area I suppose.
--I've been having a hypersomnia issue. Lately I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I mean, I'm a night owl so I always stay up really late (like . . . 3 AM kinda late, since I never work mornings) but I should still be able to be up by 11 AM or noon at the latest . . . or so I'd think. Lately I've been staying in bed until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and I hate it. I think at least some of it is the weather; it's freezing so I want to hibernate. The house is cold, my bed is warm and at least somewhat comfy so . . . yeah. Also, I may have screwed up my schedule this past Saturday with the whole store meeting thing. Basically, I couldn't sleep, so I stayed up until 4 in the morning, then went to bed and got up at 6 in the morning to get ready and call a cab. I got home at around 9 AM and couldn't go to sleep right away, so I stayed up until about 11. Then I slept until 5:30 PM, so my schedule might just still be thrown off from that. It wouldn't surprise me. But still the hypersomnia makes me feel like crap about myself.
--Overall my mood has sucked. My period came and went and I'm still really really depressed and worried and anxious. I'm also feeling a little more irritable, like I'm consistently a little closer to anger/rage mood wise. I effing hate it but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even really know where it's coming from. (Well, I have a couple theories but overall I don't know).
--I feel overwhelmed with this sense of dread, just at everything. Just at the thought of my life going on. The holidays coming up, needing to get lab work done, trying to find a new job, needing to buy things like a new bed, worrying about Jerbs, worrying about money, not having a car, not really knowing what the hell I'm doing with my life at the moment . . . I just feel like I can't do it anymore.
--I feel like I have just stopped caring. I just don't care about anything right now. I more or less just . . . well, I hate my life, I guess. Maybe not hate, but am very dissatisfied with. I just . . . I've detached again. I feel like I'm totally uninvested in my own life all over again. This is EXACTLY how I felt before and I was so happy to have moved past it and gotten better. And now I wonder . . . was I wrong? Am I wrong about getting better? Am I still just treading water? I'm taking my Lithium religiously, why is it not doing what it should? Or is it just life factors that are screwing with me? I don't know, I can't tell.
So. Effing. Frustrating.
10.28.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Childhood Fears
I won't lie, I'm a bit of a sissy. I can't watch horror movies, I slept with a night light until I moved in with Corey, and I scare easily. So since Halloween is coming up I thought I'd write about the random stuff that scared me as a kid.
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--The movie Labyrinth. Yes, the vaguely ridiculous '80's movie featuring David Bowie in obscenely tight pants. Why was I scared of this movie? Well, my first sister was born when I was about three and a half, and I hated her. I didn't want a little sister at all. By the time I was about five, I still didn't like her. So my grandmother made me watch Labyrinth, because it's basically a lesson about what'll happen to you if you don't want your siblings. It scared the crap out of me, and I stopped hating my sister. I was terrified that if I was mean to her I'd have to fight the Goblin King and I felt like that wouldn't end well for me. I stayed scared of this movie for a long, long time; I didn't watch it again until I was in college. It doesn't bother me anymore but as a kid, wow. Incidentally, when my second sister was born my first sister hated her, so my grandma used the same tactic. But my second sister loved the movie so . . . backfire!
--Grasshoppers. I hate grasshoppers. To this day I'm scared of them and disgusted by them. When I was a kid, probably like 6 or 7, I was playing in our front yard. I remember I was wearing one of the dresses my grandma made me, and it was pale in color, I think yellow. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, this GIGANTIC grasshopper (seriously, this thing was HUGE) jumped out of the dirt and landed on my chest. And he was looking up at me and I was yelling, and he spit tobacco stains on my dress that never came out. I think my dad probably came to my rescue but I've hated grasshoppers since then.
--The movie E.T. There's no good story behind this one--it just scared the crap out of me. I haven't watched it since I was a kid and I don't intend to, because I'm still scared of it. Something about E.T. is just terrifying in my opinion, and that scene at the end where him and the kid are both in the hospital really disturbed me. I don't know why. This is one of those things that one I tell people about it I get made fun of.
--Fire and snakes. Not related to each other at all, just two things I went through random phobias of. The fire one was from a TV movie I saw where a dad lit his kids' bed on fire. Snakes, I'm not really sure, because we never had a snake problem at our house or anything so . . . yeah. Who knows.
--Bad weather. This is probably partially a result of growing up in Arizona, where we rarely have rain or hail or snow, and where we never have tornadoes or hurricanes or earthquakes or anything like that. I remember as a kid, I loved rain, but if it got too heavy or started hailing I'd freak out. For the most start this doesn't phase me anymore, but I'm still afraid of tornadoes, and will never live somewhere they're common.
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Those are all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there are more!
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--The movie Labyrinth. Yes, the vaguely ridiculous '80's movie featuring David Bowie in obscenely tight pants. Why was I scared of this movie? Well, my first sister was born when I was about three and a half, and I hated her. I didn't want a little sister at all. By the time I was about five, I still didn't like her. So my grandmother made me watch Labyrinth, because it's basically a lesson about what'll happen to you if you don't want your siblings. It scared the crap out of me, and I stopped hating my sister. I was terrified that if I was mean to her I'd have to fight the Goblin King and I felt like that wouldn't end well for me. I stayed scared of this movie for a long, long time; I didn't watch it again until I was in college. It doesn't bother me anymore but as a kid, wow. Incidentally, when my second sister was born my first sister hated her, so my grandma used the same tactic. But my second sister loved the movie so . . . backfire!
--Grasshoppers. I hate grasshoppers. To this day I'm scared of them and disgusted by them. When I was a kid, probably like 6 or 7, I was playing in our front yard. I remember I was wearing one of the dresses my grandma made me, and it was pale in color, I think yellow. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, this GIGANTIC grasshopper (seriously, this thing was HUGE) jumped out of the dirt and landed on my chest. And he was looking up at me and I was yelling, and he spit tobacco stains on my dress that never came out. I think my dad probably came to my rescue but I've hated grasshoppers since then.
--The movie E.T. There's no good story behind this one--it just scared the crap out of me. I haven't watched it since I was a kid and I don't intend to, because I'm still scared of it. Something about E.T. is just terrifying in my opinion, and that scene at the end where him and the kid are both in the hospital really disturbed me. I don't know why. This is one of those things that one I tell people about it I get made fun of.
--Fire and snakes. Not related to each other at all, just two things I went through random phobias of. The fire one was from a TV movie I saw where a dad lit his kids' bed on fire. Snakes, I'm not really sure, because we never had a snake problem at our house or anything so . . . yeah. Who knows.
--Bad weather. This is probably partially a result of growing up in Arizona, where we rarely have rain or hail or snow, and where we never have tornadoes or hurricanes or earthquakes or anything like that. I remember as a kid, I loved rain, but if it got too heavy or started hailing I'd freak out. For the most start this doesn't phase me anymore, but I'm still afraid of tornadoes, and will never live somewhere they're common.
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Those are all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there are more!
10.27.2012
Torn & Displaced
Torn and displaced. Two words that I realized, today, describe how I've been feeling pretty accurately. And I'm not just talking about the funk of the past couple days, I'm talking about the overall way I've felt since I came back to Flag and all that.
Torn. Torn between lives, I feel. On the one hand, I want to go back to where I was before--to Kingman, to Corey, to that life. I want to incorporate the things I know I want now (like grad school) with that life. On the other hand, I want to live only this new life; go on to wherever I want, start fresh, find myself all over again.
I don't know. Early this morning we had a store meeting and when it was over, a co-worker gave me a ride home. This particular co-worker is a cute, young guy, who I really enjoy talking to. We have similar views on a lot of things and . . . and he's really cute. There is no relationship potential there, though, and even if he was interested it couldn't happen. He's just too young (22 . . . younger than Corey) and he's still figuring out what he wants to do with his life, and I'm past the point of being willing to wait for someone to do that, if that makes sense. I mean, he's a great guy and a gentleman (guys who open car doors for you even if they're already in the car themselves always get points with me). But he's the kind of guy I'd probably go out with if circumstances were different. And as he was driving me home and we were chatting I was thinking of what that might be like, and I was thinking of how there is this small part of me that wants to move on as far as Corey is concerned. A small part of me wants to be finished with him, to let it go and get over it and let myself be open to someday being with someone new.
Later, after I was at home, I was thinking back to our conversation and the trip home, and I remembered that he had taken Soliere. And all of a sudden I flashed back to the first night I hung out with Corey, the night before our first date, and I remembered that he had taken me home via Soliere too--because he wanted to extend our time together and wasn't ready to say good night. And just like that I was very aware of the even bigger part of me that is completely not ready to move on.
Displaced. Displaced because I don't really feel like I belong anywhere right now, like I'm not sure where my place is.
I don't have a real home right now. I'm crashing with Jerbs, and most of my things are in boxes in a different city. There's really not a place for me right now. It's not something that really overwhelms me or anything, but it is frustrating. I would like to have a place that feels like home and where I can unpack and feel like I'm living, y'know? I feel like if I had that it would make other things easier (like settling down to read or write or work on grad school). I would be far more comfortable.
I tell myself that someday it'll happen. Someday I'll have my own place or a place with someone I love; someday I won't feel caught in the middle of things; someday things will have shaken out.
Torn. Torn between lives, I feel. On the one hand, I want to go back to where I was before--to Kingman, to Corey, to that life. I want to incorporate the things I know I want now (like grad school) with that life. On the other hand, I want to live only this new life; go on to wherever I want, start fresh, find myself all over again.
I don't know. Early this morning we had a store meeting and when it was over, a co-worker gave me a ride home. This particular co-worker is a cute, young guy, who I really enjoy talking to. We have similar views on a lot of things and . . . and he's really cute. There is no relationship potential there, though, and even if he was interested it couldn't happen. He's just too young (22 . . . younger than Corey) and he's still figuring out what he wants to do with his life, and I'm past the point of being willing to wait for someone to do that, if that makes sense. I mean, he's a great guy and a gentleman (guys who open car doors for you even if they're already in the car themselves always get points with me). But he's the kind of guy I'd probably go out with if circumstances were different. And as he was driving me home and we were chatting I was thinking of what that might be like, and I was thinking of how there is this small part of me that wants to move on as far as Corey is concerned. A small part of me wants to be finished with him, to let it go and get over it and let myself be open to someday being with someone new.
Later, after I was at home, I was thinking back to our conversation and the trip home, and I remembered that he had taken Soliere. And all of a sudden I flashed back to the first night I hung out with Corey, the night before our first date, and I remembered that he had taken me home via Soliere too--because he wanted to extend our time together and wasn't ready to say good night. And just like that I was very aware of the even bigger part of me that is completely not ready to move on.
Displaced. Displaced because I don't really feel like I belong anywhere right now, like I'm not sure where my place is.
I don't have a real home right now. I'm crashing with Jerbs, and most of my things are in boxes in a different city. There's really not a place for me right now. It's not something that really overwhelms me or anything, but it is frustrating. I would like to have a place that feels like home and where I can unpack and feel like I'm living, y'know? I feel like if I had that it would make other things easier (like settling down to read or write or work on grad school). I would be far more comfortable.
I tell myself that someday it'll happen. Someday I'll have my own place or a place with someone I love; someday I won't feel caught in the middle of things; someday things will have shaken out.
10.26.2012
Still In A Funk
So I'm still in kind of a funk.
It's been a bit better yesterday/today but I'm still just feeling . . . kind of off. I really don't know how else to describe it.
I'm not overwhelmed by any one emotion--I'm not super sad or really anxious or really worried or really guilty. But I still feel like my mind is doing some odd things at the moment. I think it's a little bit of everything: I'm a little sad, a little anxious, a little worried, a little guilty, a little lost. Which all kind of adds up to just feeling off.
I don't like it. I want it to stop. I especially don't like it because I've been doing so well with my meds. It's unsettling to feel this way when I'm doing the things that usually help, y'know? It worries me.
But I think a lot of this is just the time of year, generally speaking.
Plus hormones. I think the past few days have been PMS. Because my period started yesterday (TMI, I know) and I feel better.
Hopefully I'll snap out of this soon.
It's been a bit better yesterday/today but I'm still just feeling . . . kind of off. I really don't know how else to describe it.
I'm not overwhelmed by any one emotion--I'm not super sad or really anxious or really worried or really guilty. But I still feel like my mind is doing some odd things at the moment. I think it's a little bit of everything: I'm a little sad, a little anxious, a little worried, a little guilty, a little lost. Which all kind of adds up to just feeling off.
I don't like it. I want it to stop. I especially don't like it because I've been doing so well with my meds. It's unsettling to feel this way when I'm doing the things that usually help, y'know? It worries me.
But I think a lot of this is just the time of year, generally speaking.
Plus hormones. I think the past few days have been PMS. Because my period started yesterday (TMI, I know) and I feel better.
Hopefully I'll snap out of this soon.
10.23.2012
Weigh In # 7
I didn't weigh myself today. I doubt the results would have been pleasant.
I haven't worked out in about 2 weeks and I've eaten a lot of bad crap. I kind of don't care right now.
I honestly don't know what's going on with me but in the past week(ish) I feel like I've back slid as far as mood goes. I've been depressed, anxious, exhausted . . . no idea what's going on. My motivation is just gone.
I was doing so well with so many things and this slump is really ticking me off for that reason.
I have no idea where it's coming from, really--no idea why I've regressed. Right now it's probably hormonal (that can be said for the past several days). But I think a lot of it is just this sense of a lack of moving forward, if that makes sense. Life is getting a little monotonous and I'm ready for a change.
I'm sick of saying things like here's to a new week or this week I'll do better. I always say it, I never follow through. Lame.
I haven't worked out in about 2 weeks and I've eaten a lot of bad crap. I kind of don't care right now.
I honestly don't know what's going on with me but in the past week(ish) I feel like I've back slid as far as mood goes. I've been depressed, anxious, exhausted . . . no idea what's going on. My motivation is just gone.
I was doing so well with so many things and this slump is really ticking me off for that reason.
I have no idea where it's coming from, really--no idea why I've regressed. Right now it's probably hormonal (that can be said for the past several days). But I think a lot of it is just this sense of a lack of moving forward, if that makes sense. Life is getting a little monotonous and I'm ready for a change.
I'm sick of saying things like here's to a new week or this week I'll do better. I always say it, I never follow through. Lame.
10.21.2012
Bad Dreams
I always dream. In my entire life I've had very few nights of just dreamless sleep; those few have generally seemed to happen when I'm really sick. Physically sick, not mentally sick. Like I remember not dreaming when I had mono in 2004.
I have very, very vivid dreams, and almost always remember them. I very rarely forget dreams (and boy do I have some weird ones . . . like really, really weird). And even if I do forget a dream, I'll still remember the way the dream felt; that feeling will usually stay with me or come back to me during the day.
This isn't really something I mind, but last night I had some bad dreams, and it's kind of put me in a funk today. They weren't bad scary, they were just bad. I only remember bits and pieces of them but I remember how they felt; they both had this weird, tense, almost eerie feel. It was strange.
When I woke up with the first one I had a headache, so I went back to sleep. When I woke up after the second one, the headache was almost a migraine. So I basically stayed in bed all day because my head was killing me. (And I don't think the migraine is related to the dreams, just saying).
So anyway. The migraine is gone now, thankfully, but I still feel like my mind is in a dream related funk.
So I've gotten nothing done today, and in general, between Friday, Saturday, and today, I just kind of feel like my energy/motivation is zapped. Pretty lame.
(That's why there's no Sentimental Sunday today . . . I don't feel like it really, nor can I think of a good story for it.)
I have very, very vivid dreams, and almost always remember them. I very rarely forget dreams (and boy do I have some weird ones . . . like really, really weird). And even if I do forget a dream, I'll still remember the way the dream felt; that feeling will usually stay with me or come back to me during the day.
This isn't really something I mind, but last night I had some bad dreams, and it's kind of put me in a funk today. They weren't bad scary, they were just bad. I only remember bits and pieces of them but I remember how they felt; they both had this weird, tense, almost eerie feel. It was strange.
When I woke up with the first one I had a headache, so I went back to sleep. When I woke up after the second one, the headache was almost a migraine. So I basically stayed in bed all day because my head was killing me. (And I don't think the migraine is related to the dreams, just saying).
So anyway. The migraine is gone now, thankfully, but I still feel like my mind is in a dream related funk.
So I've gotten nothing done today, and in general, between Friday, Saturday, and today, I just kind of feel like my energy/motivation is zapped. Pretty lame.
(That's why there's no Sentimental Sunday today . . . I don't feel like it really, nor can I think of a good story for it.)
10.20.2012
Broken Down
The past 36 hours have been a crappy day and a half mental health wise. I've just been very anxious and down.
--I saw an old college acquaintance at work Friday night. It was near the end of my shift; she came through my register but didn't remember me. Which was fine, because we didn't know each other well at all. But I recognized her, and her last name had changed on her rental account, because she's married now. And her husband was with her, and another couple, and it just . . . well, things like that hurt. Seeing other people who are living a life that's closer to what I want and closer to where I think I should be, if that makes sense. It hurts more now because I feel like I got THIS close to that and failed. And it just kind of depressed me.
--Anxiety attack because the Christmas music section is set up work. (Aside from the anxiety I think it's a bit early . . . we should at least wait until the day after Halloween). Normally I love Christmas and am thrilled when I start to see the signs of it everywhere but this year . . . well, this year I just want to skip all the holidays. Fast forward to March of 2013 and let that be that. I think the reasons are obvious.
--This was NAU's Homecoming weekend, which makes me extremely anxious for a few different reasons. I think some of it might be too personal to get into but let me just say that I don't have a lot of fond memories of my college days. Really, looking back on that time just stresses me out and depresses me. And it being Homecoming is just a reminder that my life has gone completely not as expected in a lot of bad ways. I don't have any close friends from college--I really don't. I don't have anyone to go to Homecoming with, or a husband I can take with me to the game and introduce to my old friends. A very small chunk of that has to do with Corey. And it's also difficult for some other relationship related reasons--but those I know are better left for my private journal. I just wish things had gone differently. And I know it's harder because I'm here in Flagstaff, and that if I was in Kingman, away from the college town setting, and living a happy life with the person I love, I'd be fine with it. Sucks.
--Anxiety attack about money. I don't even think I need to elaborate on this one. I know this wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know I had to get more lab work done. I hate having these disorders that require so much attention. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be better, and I want to be healthy but . . . I'm not in a position where that's an easy thing to do. It gets stressful.
--Guilt. I don't want to go into detail but there's something I'm feeling very guilty about right now. I might elaborate later.
--Corey. In three conversations at work (one Friday, two Saturday), I talked about him to co-workers. Nothing bad or anything, and it was in a way that came naturally--it wasn't like I wanted to talk about him and forced the subject so I could. Not at all. And it just . . . made me miss him so much. And I just felt lonely and combined with everything else . . . I don't know. I'm just so sad, still, about the whole thing. So heart broken. I still love him and care for him so much and right now this whole thing is just so damn painful.
Right now I just feel broken. I'm scared that I'm feeling this way, because I have been doing incredibly well with my Lithium intake--in the time since I got my prescription refilled, I have only missed one dose*. So . . . I don't know, I guess a part of me is like, shouldn't I be fine? But then I remind myself that I'm dealing with a lot of stress at the moment--money (totally legit stress factor), work (hours, issues with co-workers), health needs (lab work), sleep issues (I'm having bed problems at the moment). And lack of sleep is never a good thing for my moods. Plus I could be starting my PMDD cycle; it's the right time for it, but at the same time, last month it started a little later and was a lot milder so . . . I don't know. Maybe I was just less stressed last month?
Silver lining: I didn't have an actual breakdown today. No rage, no throwing things, no wanting to pull my hair out. I didn't even cry. And I fully expected to; the way I felt when I left work today, my plan was get home, eat lunch, have myself a good cry, take a nap. And I skipped the crying part which is a good thing. So it's definitely a far cry from where I was before.
Hopefully I get to feeling better soon. I don't like this.
*One dose=half my daily intake of Lithium.
10.18.2012
Wednesday + Thursday
Yesterday was another good day at work. Seriously, two in a row? What are the odds?
I'm not complaining, I'm just surprised.
So yesterday, at work, I was scheduled 9:00 AM--12:15 PM. I was really looking forward to the short day, and I was definitely going to come home and take a nap afterwards. But the girl who was supposed to come in from noon to 5:00 called in with a migraine and without even thinking about it, I agreed to stay late. And I did end up there until about 5:00, and we had a great day. It was just myself and one of the TL's up front and we goofed around the whole day. It flew by and by the time it was 5:00, even though I'd been there for 8 hours, I definitely didn't feel like it.
Here's why this is significant: Normally, I do not work extra hours. I very rarely agree to cover shifts for people (seriously, I only do it if the co-worker asking is someone I really like). I am especially disagreeable if I end up having to work extra hours when I'm not expecting it and my plans change because of it. I just absolutely hate being asked to work when I'm not supposed to. But yesterday I felt none of that. I was glad to stay and help (seriously, I was) and I had a good time being there. And I think that's, at least in part, a result of me getting better mental health wise, and it's good to know that getting better is having a positive effect on my life. Because yesterday, I helped out my co-workers, I got an extra 4 hours of pay, and I got to meet up with Jerbs for dinner since she was getting off at four. And it's nice to have a big reminder that the medication is helping and all that . . . it makes me feel a little better about the expensive doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Plus after dinner we went to JoAnn's, where all the Halloween stuff was 60% off . . . Jerbs bought me 5 pairs of Halloween socks!!
Then today was pay day, and my check was bigger than I expected--which is always awesome! Plus I was off, and so was Jerbs, so we went out and hit PetSmart, Sally's, JoAnn's, Burrito Fiesta, Hastings, and Target. We bought nail polish at Sally's (go figure, right?) and then played with kitties at PetSmart. Then we went across the street to JoAnns, because we didn't buy enough Halloween stuff yesterday; Jerbs got black feather wings and I got 6 more pairs of socks. (Yes, I have a sock problem, and I love it!). After JoAnn's we had dinner at Burritos Fiesta, this amazing Mexican fast food type place (incidentally, also where we ate last night). It is so.effing.good. And cheap, too, which is always nice. We popped into Hastings and bought a few things (Jerbs likes to take advantage of my employee discount when she can), then went to Target, where we mostly looked at clothes.
And now we're home, relaxing and stuff. All in all, a great day.
I work tomorrow so hopefully it goes as well as my past two shifts have!
I'm not complaining, I'm just surprised.
So yesterday, at work, I was scheduled 9:00 AM--12:15 PM. I was really looking forward to the short day, and I was definitely going to come home and take a nap afterwards. But the girl who was supposed to come in from noon to 5:00 called in with a migraine and without even thinking about it, I agreed to stay late. And I did end up there until about 5:00, and we had a great day. It was just myself and one of the TL's up front and we goofed around the whole day. It flew by and by the time it was 5:00, even though I'd been there for 8 hours, I definitely didn't feel like it.
Here's why this is significant: Normally, I do not work extra hours. I very rarely agree to cover shifts for people (seriously, I only do it if the co-worker asking is someone I really like). I am especially disagreeable if I end up having to work extra hours when I'm not expecting it and my plans change because of it. I just absolutely hate being asked to work when I'm not supposed to. But yesterday I felt none of that. I was glad to stay and help (seriously, I was) and I had a good time being there. And I think that's, at least in part, a result of me getting better mental health wise, and it's good to know that getting better is having a positive effect on my life. Because yesterday, I helped out my co-workers, I got an extra 4 hours of pay, and I got to meet up with Jerbs for dinner since she was getting off at four. And it's nice to have a big reminder that the medication is helping and all that . . . it makes me feel a little better about the expensive doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Plus after dinner we went to JoAnn's, where all the Halloween stuff was 60% off . . . Jerbs bought me 5 pairs of Halloween socks!!
Then today was pay day, and my check was bigger than I expected--which is always awesome! Plus I was off, and so was Jerbs, so we went out and hit PetSmart, Sally's, JoAnn's, Burrito Fiesta, Hastings, and Target. We bought nail polish at Sally's (go figure, right?) and then played with kitties at PetSmart. Then we went across the street to JoAnns, because we didn't buy enough Halloween stuff yesterday; Jerbs got black feather wings and I got 6 more pairs of socks. (Yes, I have a sock problem, and I love it!). After JoAnn's we had dinner at Burritos Fiesta, this amazing Mexican fast food type place (incidentally, also where we ate last night). It is so.effing.good. And cheap, too, which is always nice. We popped into Hastings and bought a few things (Jerbs likes to take advantage of my employee discount when she can), then went to Target, where we mostly looked at clothes.
And now we're home, relaxing and stuff. All in all, a great day.
I work tomorrow so hopefully it goes as well as my past two shifts have!
10.17.2012
Dr., Work, Other Stuff
Soooo let's see.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I was absolutely dreading it, because I was afraid of getting yelled at for not having come in sooner, it's incredibly expensive and I hate paying so much for something that shouldn't be so pricey, there's not a bus stop very close to it so it was quite a walk, and I didn't want to get up early (9:30 appointment=catching the bus at 8:33). But it's a necessity so . . . I went.
I didn't get chewed out for not coming in sooner. My doctor was shocked and sympathetic when I told him about the breakup, and proud at how well I've handled things. The bad news, however, is that when I got my labs in August, apparently my TSH (thyroid stuff) came back high, which I guess can happen when you're on Lithium (yay). So he pretty much said I need to follow up with my PCP (I don't have a PCP, incidentally) and see what's going on and whatnot. He said if it is a thyroid issue I can either just treat that with a thyroid medicine or change mood stabilizers. I said I'd rather treat, and I actually got pretty emotional about the thought of changing my Lithium. I told him I remember how bad it was and I don't want to go back to how I used to live, that I didn't want to take steps backwards. He understood, so I have a lab order to get my TSH test done again (hopefully tomorrow) and then we'll see what happens with that. If it's still high I'll follow up at a clinic, if it's normal (which I'm SO hoping it will be) we'll just be done with the issue.
(Can I just say that I love my psychiatrist? He is amazing. We just click, and I am so incredibly grateful that we found him. Honestly, we only chose him because he was the first psychiatrist we called who accepted uninsured patients, and I think it was divine intervention. I feel so well cared for with him. I never feel judged, and he's just very . . . easy to talk to. We never talk just about my issues--for example, at this appointment, he complimented my Halloween nails and we talked about Etsy. He's such a nice man, too, and I love how intelligent he is. Besides just being a smart guy, he loves what he does and is genuinely passionate about psychiatry and helping his patients, and that shows. Love him.)
After my appointment Jerbs and I had breakfast at Biff's Bagels downtown. A.may.zing. I'd never been there before and I was impressed. Then Jerbs went to work and I came home for a little while, before I went to work.
Surprisingly enough, work was actually pretty good. I cashiered for a couple hours and then did a "membership drive" for a couple hours. It was a good crew working and we had a lot of fun, and I actually found myself thinking, several times, that I was ENJOYING my job.
Lately night time bus rides home have been fun because there's a house along the bus route (on Fox Lair) that's already decorated for Christmas. And this isn't like they forgot to take their decorations down this past January, this is legit decorated for Christmas. It's weird but I LOVE it.
So at the moment, life is decent.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I was absolutely dreading it, because I was afraid of getting yelled at for not having come in sooner, it's incredibly expensive and I hate paying so much for something that shouldn't be so pricey, there's not a bus stop very close to it so it was quite a walk, and I didn't want to get up early (9:30 appointment=catching the bus at 8:33). But it's a necessity so . . . I went.
I didn't get chewed out for not coming in sooner. My doctor was shocked and sympathetic when I told him about the breakup, and proud at how well I've handled things. The bad news, however, is that when I got my labs in August, apparently my TSH (thyroid stuff) came back high, which I guess can happen when you're on Lithium (yay). So he pretty much said I need to follow up with my PCP (I don't have a PCP, incidentally) and see what's going on and whatnot. He said if it is a thyroid issue I can either just treat that with a thyroid medicine or change mood stabilizers. I said I'd rather treat, and I actually got pretty emotional about the thought of changing my Lithium. I told him I remember how bad it was and I don't want to go back to how I used to live, that I didn't want to take steps backwards. He understood, so I have a lab order to get my TSH test done again (hopefully tomorrow) and then we'll see what happens with that. If it's still high I'll follow up at a clinic, if it's normal (which I'm SO hoping it will be) we'll just be done with the issue.
(Can I just say that I love my psychiatrist? He is amazing. We just click, and I am so incredibly grateful that we found him. Honestly, we only chose him because he was the first psychiatrist we called who accepted uninsured patients, and I think it was divine intervention. I feel so well cared for with him. I never feel judged, and he's just very . . . easy to talk to. We never talk just about my issues--for example, at this appointment, he complimented my Halloween nails and we talked about Etsy. He's such a nice man, too, and I love how intelligent he is. Besides just being a smart guy, he loves what he does and is genuinely passionate about psychiatry and helping his patients, and that shows. Love him.)
After my appointment Jerbs and I had breakfast at Biff's Bagels downtown. A.may.zing. I'd never been there before and I was impressed. Then Jerbs went to work and I came home for a little while, before I went to work.
Surprisingly enough, work was actually pretty good. I cashiered for a couple hours and then did a "membership drive" for a couple hours. It was a good crew working and we had a lot of fun, and I actually found myself thinking, several times, that I was ENJOYING my job.
Lately night time bus rides home have been fun because there's a house along the bus route (on Fox Lair) that's already decorated for Christmas. And this isn't like they forgot to take their decorations down this past January, this is legit decorated for Christmas. It's weird but I LOVE it.
So at the moment, life is decent.
10.16.2012
Weigh In # 6
Today my scale said 174, so my weight hasn't changed since last week.
But I was weighed at my doctor's office today, and we're not going to talk about that . . . I'm just going to assume that his scale is differently calibrated and that my clothes and shoes weigh more than 5 pounds.
But either way, whatever the scale says at different places, I know I've lost weight. Whether I've gone from 180 to 174 or 188 to 182--it's still a loss.
So . . . negatives first, I guess. I have been a big.fat.slacker this past week. I hardly worked out at all, I ate like crap . . . I don't even know what happened to me but blech. I can actually feel the difference in my body, though. I didn't work out much because it was so cold. The workout room for our complex is actually at a sister complex, so it's across the street and down the road a bit. It's not a HUGE walk or anything but it's not nothing, either, and after working and walking home from the bus, I just didn't feel like going back out in the cold. Lame.
This week, I need to do better. NEED to do better.
One positive thing I've noticed is that I crave water more. I've never been much of a water drinker, usually opting for Dr. Pepper (seriously, they need to make a patch for getting over that stuff) instead. But lately there have been more and more times where I'd rather have water, and where I want to drink water. I definitely think that's a good thing.
Hopefully this week I can step it up, and hopefully next week I'll have good things to report.
But I was weighed at my doctor's office today, and we're not going to talk about that . . . I'm just going to assume that his scale is differently calibrated and that my clothes and shoes weigh more than 5 pounds.
But either way, whatever the scale says at different places, I know I've lost weight. Whether I've gone from 180 to 174 or 188 to 182--it's still a loss.
So . . . negatives first, I guess. I have been a big.fat.slacker this past week. I hardly worked out at all, I ate like crap . . . I don't even know what happened to me but blech. I can actually feel the difference in my body, though. I didn't work out much because it was so cold. The workout room for our complex is actually at a sister complex, so it's across the street and down the road a bit. It's not a HUGE walk or anything but it's not nothing, either, and after working and walking home from the bus, I just didn't feel like going back out in the cold. Lame.
This week, I need to do better. NEED to do better.
One positive thing I've noticed is that I crave water more. I've never been much of a water drinker, usually opting for Dr. Pepper (seriously, they need to make a patch for getting over that stuff) instead. But lately there have been more and more times where I'd rather have water, and where I want to drink water. I definitely think that's a good thing.
Hopefully this week I can step it up, and hopefully next week I'll have good things to report.
10.14.2012
Sentimental Sunday: Mitsy, Mitsi, Mitzi, Mitzee, Mitzy . . .
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| Our Mitsy 08/09/99--10/11/12 |
And that was that. I'm heartbroken, mostly because I couldn't be there to say goodbye or be with her when she died. If you haven't noticed my pets mean the world to me, and I hate thinking that poor Mits was alone and in pain and unaware of what was going on when it happened. I'd have stayed with her the whole night at the vet's if I could have.
So in her memory, I thought I'd give her a post on my blog.
We got Mitsy the day I started 9th grade. Our dog Samantha, who we'd had since I was a kid, had died just a month or so before and we'd been talking about getting another big dog. (Sam was a German Shepherd mix, and we also had Tripsy, who was her daughter). What stands out to me most about the day Mitsy came home to us was that when I got home from the bus stop, my sister was at the fence, waiting for me and holding her (she was such a fat little puppy!) and there was a blue bow around her neck. Based on the bow, I thought she was a gift for me and I got all excited, and my mom quickly assured me that she wasn't a gift, they just thought the bow was cute. Gee, thanks.
Mitsy was an Australian shepherd mix, and she was mostly black with white markings. Her paws were all white to varying degrees, so we wanted to name her something like Socks or Boots. We named her Mittens, or Mitsy for short.
We still lived on LeRoy when we got her. After my parents' divorce she went with my mom, first to the house on Kenneth, then to the one on Pasadena, and finally to where my mom currently lives. When the moving started, Tripsy initially went to live with my aunt, and I think Mitsy was lonely. Tripsy died when I was still in college, and I think Mitsy really missed her. But she'd play with Goochie and Autumn when they went outside, and even Benji didn't mind Mitsy.
Mitsy had two litters of puppies in her lifetime (I think). The last one (or the only one) was born at my mom's house on Pasadena, right around the time I got Benji back in 2007. There were 4 little ones. Three of them are with other families and, I hope, happy and healthy.
But one of those little puppies was adopted by Jerbs and her parents. The puppy that they took is the spitting image of Mitsy; his name is Olaf. I am so glad the Weeds took him, because they love him so much, and he gets treated like a little doggy prince at their house. He's much bigger than Mitsy was, mostly height wise, but he does the Mitsy dance just like she used to. He is the most energetic, over friendly dog I have ever met, and I love him. I play with him whenever I visit Jerbs' mom and dad, and I'm happy that Mitsy is living on in him. Oh, and he weighs more than Jerbs, which is just a fun fact.
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| This is Olaf, back when he first went to live with the Weeds and he was a baby. He's a huge, grown up dog now, but I don't have any current pics. |
10.12.2012
It's COLD!!!
The Peaks got snow last night/this morning. I don't know how much, I just know they got snow. We didn't get any here in town (just lots and lots of rain) but I doubt it'll be much longer!
The apartment is freezing. How cold? Well, since I was in high school--so for more than ten years--I have slept topless in a pair of shorts year round. It's what's most comfortable to me and I actually have not been able to sleep in pants for a long time.
Until this morning.
I woke up around ten AM freezing my ass off, so I got up and changed into a pair of sweats and one of my thermals and crawled back under the covers. And I actually slept like that!!
This is a big deal.
The apartment is freezing. How cold? Well, since I was in high school--so for more than ten years--I have slept topless in a pair of shorts year round. It's what's most comfortable to me and I actually have not been able to sleep in pants for a long time.
Until this morning.
I woke up around ten AM freezing my ass off, so I got up and changed into a pair of sweats and one of my thermals and crawled back under the covers. And I actually slept like that!!
This is a big deal.
Looking Back
Recently, mostly out of boredom, I've gone through my Twitter account, reading tweets from the past two years--basically since I met Corey. That inspired me to do the same thing on Facebook, and what started out as just something to do because I was bored ended up being pretty eye opening.
First of all, I remember how detached and disengaged I felt when I wrote a good chunk of those statuses, and it's an odd thing to remember. I remember a lot of the statuses but I also remember only being half there when I wrote them. It's strange, because that sense of detachment is something that has gotten a lot better in the past . . . oh, 5 monthsish. And remembering it was almost terrifying, because in a way, I can't believe I ever lived like that. I can't believe that was ever just my normal. Now . . . well, I feel so much better in that regard, and it's kind of nice to see proof of improvement. As far as the detachment goes, I wonder about how the whole break up thing might have helped with that, and in a way, I think I needed a big, traumatic event to pull me back into my life, if that makes sense. (Although why a big happy event like finding the man of my dreams didn't do that I'll never understand . . . but too late to worry about that now).
Second of all, I was so negative. Every other tweet or FB status that I posted was about being angry or sad or sick . . . I found very few positive things over the years. And that's really just kind of depressing. I mean, I knew I wasn't a happy person because I was sick, but I don't think I ever realized just how negative I was. I feel like I've definitely improved in that area as well, and if you look at my tweets or statuses since the break up, there's a lot more positivity. I still have some bad days and it's not all sunshine but I feel like the bad things now are just normal things to be upset about. Like posting that I'm ticked about not getting the job, or being frustrated over things at work--normal. It's not like it used to be where every little thing that happened to me was negative or pissed me off or whatever.
Third of all--and most significantly, I think--I see the dichotomies in my personality; I see the kind of ups and downs and bipolar-ness of it. Like there'll be statuses about how much I disliked Corey and how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, but then within a day there'll be something about how much I love Corey and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. It's . . . weird. And it kind of makes me go, no wonder there was such tension between us. No wonder I was so uneasy in the relationship--I couldn't figure things out.
I wonder why I was so up and down with Corey. I think, it's just because I was sick. And then I think, could it really be that simple? Is it really just that easily explained?
I think it is. I think it was all the mental illness. I know that for Corey, it got to a point where he decided that we just weren't compatible, and that was what led to the end of our relationship. But I honestly believe that if I were completely mentally healthy and he and I tried again, we would succeed. And this sort of past reading has made me certain that I never would have gotten better while I was with Corey, no matter how much I wanted to.
What I can say is this: I have definitely changed for the better since our break up. Which is not to say that I don't want to get back together with Corey or anything, because I definitely do. I am just so much healthier mentally than I was at that point in time. I read those old tweets and FB statuses and I know that they're mine, I know that those words came from me, but I feel like I'm a different person now than I was then.
I like me a lot better now.
First of all, I remember how detached and disengaged I felt when I wrote a good chunk of those statuses, and it's an odd thing to remember. I remember a lot of the statuses but I also remember only being half there when I wrote them. It's strange, because that sense of detachment is something that has gotten a lot better in the past . . . oh, 5 monthsish. And remembering it was almost terrifying, because in a way, I can't believe I ever lived like that. I can't believe that was ever just my normal. Now . . . well, I feel so much better in that regard, and it's kind of nice to see proof of improvement. As far as the detachment goes, I wonder about how the whole break up thing might have helped with that, and in a way, I think I needed a big, traumatic event to pull me back into my life, if that makes sense. (Although why a big happy event like finding the man of my dreams didn't do that I'll never understand . . . but too late to worry about that now).
Second of all, I was so negative. Every other tweet or FB status that I posted was about being angry or sad or sick . . . I found very few positive things over the years. And that's really just kind of depressing. I mean, I knew I wasn't a happy person because I was sick, but I don't think I ever realized just how negative I was. I feel like I've definitely improved in that area as well, and if you look at my tweets or statuses since the break up, there's a lot more positivity. I still have some bad days and it's not all sunshine but I feel like the bad things now are just normal things to be upset about. Like posting that I'm ticked about not getting the job, or being frustrated over things at work--normal. It's not like it used to be where every little thing that happened to me was negative or pissed me off or whatever.
Third of all--and most significantly, I think--I see the dichotomies in my personality; I see the kind of ups and downs and bipolar-ness of it. Like there'll be statuses about how much I disliked Corey and how I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him, but then within a day there'll be something about how much I love Corey and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. It's . . . weird. And it kind of makes me go, no wonder there was such tension between us. No wonder I was so uneasy in the relationship--I couldn't figure things out.
I wonder why I was so up and down with Corey. I think, it's just because I was sick. And then I think, could it really be that simple? Is it really just that easily explained?
I think it is. I think it was all the mental illness. I know that for Corey, it got to a point where he decided that we just weren't compatible, and that was what led to the end of our relationship. But I honestly believe that if I were completely mentally healthy and he and I tried again, we would succeed. And this sort of past reading has made me certain that I never would have gotten better while I was with Corey, no matter how much I wanted to.
What I can say is this: I have definitely changed for the better since our break up. Which is not to say that I don't want to get back together with Corey or anything, because I definitely do. I am just so much healthier mentally than I was at that point in time. I read those old tweets and FB statuses and I know that they're mine, I know that those words came from me, but I feel like I'm a different person now than I was then.
I like me a lot better now.
Deeply in Love? or Really Pathetic?
Sometimes I feel like it's a very, very fine line between the two.
Sometimes I feel like that very fine line is my home when it comes to thinking of a certain someone.
**pulls out hair**
Sometimes I feel like that very fine line is my home when it comes to thinking of a certain someone.
**pulls out hair**
10.11.2012
Let Down
I did not get the job at Flagstaff Bone and Joint. They left me a voicemail today saying that they ended up not needing to hire anyone but that they'd keep my resume on file.
I'm crushed. Like, totally freaking crushed. The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it. I WANTED that job so badly. I think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.
I hate this. I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.
I feel like my life is stalled out. I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources. It's so frustrating. I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes. I want to buy Christmas presents for my family. I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.
I feel stuck. And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.
It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point. And that's terrifying. I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing. And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did. And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.
That life I want and daydream about? Not gonna happen.
So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
I'm crushed. Like, totally freaking crushed. The interview went so well I just . . . I really thought I was going to get it. I WANTED that job so badly. I think I wanted it more than I want to hear from Corey.
I hate this. I'm so sick of looking for a job and not finding anything; I'm so sick of getting THIS close to things going right and then being pushed back at the last minute.
I feel like my life is stalled out. I want so badly to improve my life and do good things and move forward but . . . I can't if I don't have the resources. It's so frustrating. I have bills to pay and I want a car and clothes. I want to buy Christmas presents for my family. I want to help Jerbs pay the rent.
I feel stuck. And it sucks because for the first time in years and years I know what I want and what I need, and I am dedicated to trying to get better, and there's just no way to do it.
It makes me anxious because I worry that I'll never move past this point. And that's terrifying. I have friends who are buying houses and getting married and having kids and then there's me, doing nothing. And I keep thinking, I want to be able to show Corey that he was wrong about me, that I could get better and did. And sometimes I think . . . it's just not going to happen for me.
That life I want and daydream about? Not gonna happen.
So I'm drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Milky Way Simply Caramel bars (the fun size ones) and I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
10.09.2012
Awkward & Awesome
AWKWARD
--The customer at work who leaned around my counter to scan his own rental card and then acted all miffed when I told him to not do that. Seriously, WTF? Dude has issues.--Not being able to get into the bathrooms at work because the key pad is broken. My bladder is roughly the size of a peanut so . . . yeah.
--The bus home smelling like vomit.
--Bristol Palin still being on DWTS despite the fact that she SUCKS. Fuck you, Tea Party.**
AWESOME
--One of my Kingman Hastings co-workers and her husband (Rachel and Kyle) being in Flag for the day and stopping by Hastings. It made me literally giddy to see the two of them.--One of my former professors (Dr. Reser) coming through my line today. He's now retired and simply caring for his ancient mother (his words, not mine). It was so nice to see him, even if he didn't quite remember me. Definitely a reminder that I really do want to pursue my PhD.
--My store manager calling me kiddo today. I think he did anyway. Weird but not in a bad way.
--I finally was able to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist.
--A cute male co-worker opening up to me about something personal.
--My adorable Frankenstein inspired manicure (pics later).
--Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer, one of my favorite ever DWTS couples, dancing in the results show tonight.
--Finally feeling well enough to work out!
**Even if I totally agreed with Bristol Palin's politics, I would still not vote for her on DWTS, and I would still think it was crap for her to be there, because she really does suck.
Weigh In # 5
Today my weight is 174.
I know that just two days ago I said I weighed 175, but I didn't actually weigh myself that day, I just used my last weight in amount. So I've lost 6 pounds in a little more than a month.
I lost one pound this past week, and I have to confess that it was not in a healthy way. I haven't actually worked out since last Tuesday (a WHOLE FREAKIN' WEEK) because I was sick. I'm finally feeling better and am determined to get in some cardio tonight after work. So that one pound lost this past week probably came from not eating for days at a time, because I always lose my appetite when I'm sick.
But hey, a pound's a pound, I'll take it!
I know that just two days ago I said I weighed 175, but I didn't actually weigh myself that day, I just used my last weight in amount. So I've lost 6 pounds in a little more than a month.
I lost one pound this past week, and I have to confess that it was not in a healthy way. I haven't actually worked out since last Tuesday (a WHOLE FREAKIN' WEEK) because I was sick. I'm finally feeling better and am determined to get in some cardio tonight after work. So that one pound lost this past week probably came from not eating for days at a time, because I always lose my appetite when I'm sick.
But hey, a pound's a pound, I'll take it!
Snowball
I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but, sometimes when one thing happens to tick me off, it snowballs and all of a sudden all I can think about is EVERYTHING I'm ticked off about.
That's what's going on right now. I was in a fine mood up until like a half an hour ago.
What started it was bad news. I was looking at the Kingman newspaper's website and on the front page, one of the obituaries was for the husband of a close friend. I was shocked and sad. This friend is a former teacher of mine; she was my junior high band director and we played together in the community orchestra. She is the reason I didn't give up music; she is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She was so glad when I came back and re-joined the orchestra, and it was amazing for me to get to know her on a social level. She now teaches 1st grade at the school where Ex-Fiance teaches and she was one of his biggest allies last year when he was so miserable, and they're now good friends.
I'm sad for her, obviously, for losing her husband. But it's also so frustrating to not be there for something this big, y'know? It's frustrating to me that someone I've known for so long is going through something and I had no idea--but Ex-Fiance knew, and she and Ex-Fiance have probably talked about it. And it's this hugely awful anxiety inducing feeling that Ex-Fiance is living my life, that just because he and I broke up means I don't have a right to my home town or the people in it. Some of those people I've known for nearly 2 decades for fuck's sake.
And I'm mad that Ex-Fiance didn't bother calling or texting me to let me know. He knows that this woman and I are close, he knows that I miss her . . . it's like he wants to keep that life for himself and it feels so not fucking fair. It's kind of a sharp reminder of what the reality is--that I can imagine and hope all I want that Ex-Fiance and I are just taking a break and that we'll eventually get back together but that the truth is he doesn't give a flying fuck about me and we are done done done.
So I was in a bad mood over that, and I knew I needed to just calm down and go to bed. While I was getting ready for bed I checked my voicemails, and one was from my psychiatrist's office from a few days ago. It was kinda mean and basically said that they're closing my chart if I don't schedule an appointment within 30 days.
First of all let me say that I tried to call them twice yesterday to set up an appointment and both times I got their voicemail. Second of all, I don't think they realize how difficult my financial situation actually is. My last paycheck was $111, which doesn't even cover the cost of one half hour appointment with my psychiatrist. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my psychiatrist but it's like, when I don't make enough in a full two week pay period to cover an appointment, shouldn't I get a little bit of a fucking break?
And then, naturally, I was thinking about how I can't afford it, and I remembered that I still haven't heard back from the awesome interview place and I just got frustrated. I want that job SO BADLY and I'm so disappointed that I misinterpreted it. I'm frustrated about this situation in general. I've been up here for a few months now and I feel like I've hardly moved as far as self improvement.
Anyway, that's my rant for the night. I'm already starting to calm down, but now all I can think about is how badly I want to see Ex-Fiance and how much I still want to be with him.
I need to go to bed.
That's what's going on right now. I was in a fine mood up until like a half an hour ago.
What started it was bad news. I was looking at the Kingman newspaper's website and on the front page, one of the obituaries was for the husband of a close friend. I was shocked and sad. This friend is a former teacher of mine; she was my junior high band director and we played together in the community orchestra. She is the reason I didn't give up music; she is one of the most amazing women I have ever met. She was so glad when I came back and re-joined the orchestra, and it was amazing for me to get to know her on a social level. She now teaches 1st grade at the school where Ex-Fiance teaches and she was one of his biggest allies last year when he was so miserable, and they're now good friends.
I'm sad for her, obviously, for losing her husband. But it's also so frustrating to not be there for something this big, y'know? It's frustrating to me that someone I've known for so long is going through something and I had no idea--but Ex-Fiance knew, and she and Ex-Fiance have probably talked about it. And it's this hugely awful anxiety inducing feeling that Ex-Fiance is living my life, that just because he and I broke up means I don't have a right to my home town or the people in it. Some of those people I've known for nearly 2 decades for fuck's sake.
And I'm mad that Ex-Fiance didn't bother calling or texting me to let me know. He knows that this woman and I are close, he knows that I miss her . . . it's like he wants to keep that life for himself and it feels so not fucking fair. It's kind of a sharp reminder of what the reality is--that I can imagine and hope all I want that Ex-Fiance and I are just taking a break and that we'll eventually get back together but that the truth is he doesn't give a flying fuck about me and we are done done done.
So I was in a bad mood over that, and I knew I needed to just calm down and go to bed. While I was getting ready for bed I checked my voicemails, and one was from my psychiatrist's office from a few days ago. It was kinda mean and basically said that they're closing my chart if I don't schedule an appointment within 30 days.
First of all let me say that I tried to call them twice yesterday to set up an appointment and both times I got their voicemail. Second of all, I don't think they realize how difficult my financial situation actually is. My last paycheck was $111, which doesn't even cover the cost of one half hour appointment with my psychiatrist. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my psychiatrist but it's like, when I don't make enough in a full two week pay period to cover an appointment, shouldn't I get a little bit of a fucking break?
And then, naturally, I was thinking about how I can't afford it, and I remembered that I still haven't heard back from the awesome interview place and I just got frustrated. I want that job SO BADLY and I'm so disappointed that I misinterpreted it. I'm frustrated about this situation in general. I've been up here for a few months now and I feel like I've hardly moved as far as self improvement.
Anyway, that's my rant for the night. I'm already starting to calm down, but now all I can think about is how badly I want to see Ex-Fiance and how much I still want to be with him.
I need to go to bed.
10.08.2012
Grad School Application Steps
I am about to start the application process for NAU's general English Master's program. I think I'm completely capable of being accepted--I just need to get things started and finish them on time. My goal is to start in the fall of 2013 (I'd have loved to start in the spring but by the time I decided I really wanted to go back to school I wouldn't have had time to get all the application material turned in). The deadline to have everything in is April 15, 2013, but I'd like to have everything in by the end of February. I figure the more time I have to figure out financing the better. I thought it would be nice to have a list up so I could cross things off as I finish them.
---------------
1. Find hard copies of writing samples and type them up.
2. Write personal statement.
3. Write CV(?).
4. Email former professors and ask for letters of recommendation; include personal statement, CV, and papers from their classes.
--Dr. D. Ruwe
--Dr. N. Paxton
--Dr. J. Armstrong
5. Complete and submit NAU's online application; pay $65 application fee.
6. Submit other materials to NAU/English department.
7. Research financial aid options (scholarships, grants, etc).
8. FAFSA.
---------------
Wish me luck!
---------------
1.
2. Write personal statement.
3. Write CV(?).
4. Email former professors and ask for letters of recommendation; include personal statement, CV, and papers from their classes.
--Dr. D. Ruwe
--Dr. N. Paxton
--Dr. J. Armstrong
5. Complete and submit NAU's online application; pay $65 application fee.
6. Submit other materials to NAU/English department.
7. Research financial aid options (scholarships, grants, etc).
8. FAFSA.
---------------
Wish me luck!
The Good Stuff Journal
About two years ago now, when I was really struggling mental health wise, I journaled all the time. I mean, constantly. And Ex-Fiance usually read it so he'd know what I was going through. Obviously I journaled nothing but negativity--all of the symptoms, all of the bad thoughts, etc.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
10.07.2012
Weigh In: 1 Month w/ Pictures
Today it's been one month since I started dieting and exercising and trying to get healthy.
My weight today is 175 which is a 5 pound loss since when I started. I also took all of my measurements today (bust, hips, waist, etc) and I'd lost in almost every area. My smallest loss was a half inch in my thighs, and the biggest was an inch and a half in my butt area. The only area that didn't change was my upper arms, which I'm ok with.
Overall I'm proud of myself for this past month. I definitely wasn't perfect but I took steps in the right direction. I worked out a lot and ate better, and was able to cut out fast food completely for more than a week! Definitely a good start!! And seeing results just makes me want to work harder--I am SO excited that I'm finally doing this and finally seeing changes.
My body doesn't feel changed too much yet, except that my pants are fitting a lot looser. Last week I was running to the bus and I actually had to hold up my khakis while I was running, so that's nice. But they're not quite loose enough yet to where tightening the belt I wear is comfortable. Nutritionally my body has started to like fast food less and less, because over the past few days when I've had fast food, it has gone RIGHT through me. It's disgusting but also a good sign that my body would rather be given healthier food than greasy crap now. I also feel yucky when I go a few nights without exercise; my body has started to crave that physical activity. Like right now I feel pretty crappy because I haven't worked out in almost a week because I've been sick. And I know being sick is a good excuse but still it's aggravating. Just the fact that I get aggravated about not working out is a good sign and a far cry from where I used to be!
My goals for this next month are to cut out fast food even more and continue working out. I'm still focusing on cardio so I can lose inches everywhere, but this month I'm going to add jumping jacks, squats, and lunges to my work out in an effort to work on slimming my thighs. I also need to start cutting out Dr. Pepper . . . that is my biggest weakness right now.
And now, pics!
My weight today is 175 which is a 5 pound loss since when I started. I also took all of my measurements today (bust, hips, waist, etc) and I'd lost in almost every area. My smallest loss was a half inch in my thighs, and the biggest was an inch and a half in my butt area. The only area that didn't change was my upper arms, which I'm ok with.
Overall I'm proud of myself for this past month. I definitely wasn't perfect but I took steps in the right direction. I worked out a lot and ate better, and was able to cut out fast food completely for more than a week! Definitely a good start!! And seeing results just makes me want to work harder--I am SO excited that I'm finally doing this and finally seeing changes.
My body doesn't feel changed too much yet, except that my pants are fitting a lot looser. Last week I was running to the bus and I actually had to hold up my khakis while I was running, so that's nice. But they're not quite loose enough yet to where tightening the belt I wear is comfortable. Nutritionally my body has started to like fast food less and less, because over the past few days when I've had fast food, it has gone RIGHT through me. It's disgusting but also a good sign that my body would rather be given healthier food than greasy crap now. I also feel yucky when I go a few nights without exercise; my body has started to crave that physical activity. Like right now I feel pretty crappy because I haven't worked out in almost a week because I've been sick. And I know being sick is a good excuse but still it's aggravating. Just the fact that I get aggravated about not working out is a good sign and a far cry from where I used to be!
My goals for this next month are to cut out fast food even more and continue working out. I'm still focusing on cardio so I can lose inches everywhere, but this month I'm going to add jumping jacks, squats, and lunges to my work out in an effort to work on slimming my thighs. I also need to start cutting out Dr. Pepper . . . that is my biggest weakness right now.
And now, pics!
October.
Side view comparison of Sept. & Oct.
Front view comparison of Sept. & Oct.
Sentimental Sunday: Sleeping Pills + (Almost)Nudity + Power Outage = Bad
This happened when I was in college.
It was the fall of 2005 and Jerbs and I were living in Wilson Hall. It was the very beginning of September and Jerbs had left to spend the weekend in Kingman with her family. I didn't have a game or any social obligations that weekend, and I had the dorm to myself, so my plan was to SLEEP.
Friday night after I ate dinner, I put on my PJ's and took two Tylenol PM's--which was kind of a treat for me back then. I only took sleeping pills on nights I was exhausted and could sleep in the next day as kind of a catch up thing. Then I vegged out in front of the TV and once I was ready to sleep, I stripped down to just my panties and climbed into bed. At this point in my life I couldn't sleep in total darkness so I left the TV on, muted, for a little light.
So I fell asleep, and about 5 hours later, I woke up to complete darkness. The room was pitch black and the streetlights near the window were also out--it was dark. The power was out. I had no idea how long it had been out, because I don't know if it was the sudden darkness that woke me, or if a noise woke me after the power went out.
I'd been dreaming about my old house in Kingman, and it had been a very vivid dream, so when I woke up, I thought I was in my old house--in my old living room, particularly. And in my drugged/sleepy mind, I thought, I need to get outside and then I'll be fine. (Dream logic, I guess). So I start stumbling across the dorm room half asleep. At one point I slammed into my closet, and I thought to myself, that's not something that's in the living room. But I kept going and got to the door. The door had a lever lock under the handle, and as I unlocked it, I remember thinking that that wasn't how our front door unlocked. But again, I kept going, and got the door open, and walked out into the hallway.
I was confused for about 20 seconds and then the power came back on. And once the lights came on I finished waking up and realized I was in the dorm, and I kind of stood there dazed.
And then I looked down and realized that I was almost naked, just standing in the hallway.
Thank goodness no one else was out of their rooms at that moment--it would have been mortifying. But since it wasn't it's just one of my favorite stories from when I was in college.
Jenny told her parents about it and that year for Christmas they got me a nightlight that turned into a flashlight when you unplugged it . . . just in case.
It was the fall of 2005 and Jerbs and I were living in Wilson Hall. It was the very beginning of September and Jerbs had left to spend the weekend in Kingman with her family. I didn't have a game or any social obligations that weekend, and I had the dorm to myself, so my plan was to SLEEP.
Friday night after I ate dinner, I put on my PJ's and took two Tylenol PM's--which was kind of a treat for me back then. I only took sleeping pills on nights I was exhausted and could sleep in the next day as kind of a catch up thing. Then I vegged out in front of the TV and once I was ready to sleep, I stripped down to just my panties and climbed into bed. At this point in my life I couldn't sleep in total darkness so I left the TV on, muted, for a little light.
So I fell asleep, and about 5 hours later, I woke up to complete darkness. The room was pitch black and the streetlights near the window were also out--it was dark. The power was out. I had no idea how long it had been out, because I don't know if it was the sudden darkness that woke me, or if a noise woke me after the power went out.
I'd been dreaming about my old house in Kingman, and it had been a very vivid dream, so when I woke up, I thought I was in my old house--in my old living room, particularly. And in my drugged/sleepy mind, I thought, I need to get outside and then I'll be fine. (Dream logic, I guess). So I start stumbling across the dorm room half asleep. At one point I slammed into my closet, and I thought to myself, that's not something that's in the living room. But I kept going and got to the door. The door had a lever lock under the handle, and as I unlocked it, I remember thinking that that wasn't how our front door unlocked. But again, I kept going, and got the door open, and walked out into the hallway.
I was confused for about 20 seconds and then the power came back on. And once the lights came on I finished waking up and realized I was in the dorm, and I kind of stood there dazed.
And then I looked down and realized that I was almost naked, just standing in the hallway.
Thank goodness no one else was out of their rooms at that moment--it would have been mortifying. But since it wasn't it's just one of my favorite stories from when I was in college.
Jenny told her parents about it and that year for Christmas they got me a nightlight that turned into a flashlight when you unplugged it . . . just in case.
10.04.2012
Lowlights and Highlights
Lowlights of today:
--I'm sick. Stuffy nose, massive sinus pressure between my eyes, itchy face, plugged ears, chest congestion, sore throat, cough. It sucks and is very lame.
--My paycheck was tiiiiiiiny. I seriously spent the whole thing today between treating Jerbs to lunch, buying my weekly groceries, and picking up my Lithium prescription. (My Li prescription is the expensive one).
--I still haven't heard anything from the job; I think I'm going to give them a call tomorrow just to touch base because . . . well, because I really have a good feeling about it.
--The bus was obnoxious. Especially the ride on route 4 to the transfer station to get home, which was held up because of people who had no idea what they were doing and took 5 minutes to get on, and had one passenger who was an overweight woman telling another passenger all about the infection she got between the folds of her skin. (Seriously, ick. Indoor voices!)
--Hauling groceries home on the bus just kinda isn't fun. Especially when you're sick.
Highlights of today:
--Suit kid. There was this kid on the bus who was no more than 11 or 12, and he was wearing a 3 piece suit and tie, and carrying a lunchbox and a briefcase. He just kept checking his watch and it was hilarious. Jerbs in particular was highly entertained and we imagined him thinking things like, "Today is just not my day . . . Lost the Miller account, and Mom forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J."
--Even though it's expensive it's good to have my Lithium. And I was able to buy it myself so that's good.
--Jerbs bought me cough drop and Tylenol Cold/Cough, which seems to have helped a little.
I think that's it. I'm gong to take some drugs and hit the sack . . . I feel like poo.
--I'm sick. Stuffy nose, massive sinus pressure between my eyes, itchy face, plugged ears, chest congestion, sore throat, cough. It sucks and is very lame.
--My paycheck was tiiiiiiiny. I seriously spent the whole thing today between treating Jerbs to lunch, buying my weekly groceries, and picking up my Lithium prescription. (My Li prescription is the expensive one).
--I still haven't heard anything from the job; I think I'm going to give them a call tomorrow just to touch base because . . . well, because I really have a good feeling about it.
--The bus was obnoxious. Especially the ride on route 4 to the transfer station to get home, which was held up because of people who had no idea what they were doing and took 5 minutes to get on, and had one passenger who was an overweight woman telling another passenger all about the infection she got between the folds of her skin. (Seriously, ick. Indoor voices!)
--Hauling groceries home on the bus just kinda isn't fun. Especially when you're sick.
Highlights of today:
--Suit kid. There was this kid on the bus who was no more than 11 or 12, and he was wearing a 3 piece suit and tie, and carrying a lunchbox and a briefcase. He just kept checking his watch and it was hilarious. Jerbs in particular was highly entertained and we imagined him thinking things like, "Today is just not my day . . . Lost the Miller account, and Mom forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J."
--Even though it's expensive it's good to have my Lithium. And I was able to buy it myself so that's good.
--Jerbs bought me cough drop and Tylenol Cold/Cough, which seems to have helped a little.
I think that's it. I'm gong to take some drugs and hit the sack . . . I feel like poo.
Obsession Meets Organization
So Jerbs and I have a minor nail polish obsession. And by minor I mean that combined we have about 215 polishes. And last night we organized them.
It's a shoe hanger thingy. The polishes are sorted by color and I made color labels for the pockets. Isn't it brilliant? I love it!
Here's a close up.
It's a shoe hanger thingy. The polishes are sorted by color and I made color labels for the pockets. Isn't it brilliant? I love it!
Here's a close up.
Yep. We're pretty cool.
And actually this isn't even all of the polishes, there are a few that Jenny's stockpiled on her desk that I haven't put up yet.
10.03.2012
Puzzle Pieces
I think one of the issues with my relationship with Corey was that in a way, he was the catalyst for my seeking help for my mental health problems. Even though I'd known for quite awhile before we met that I needed to get help, it wasn't until we were together and he was encouraging me that I actually did it.
And I admit that he was a big part of the reason. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like there was something worth living for, because he was worth living for. Not that he was the only thing but he was the big one, if that makes sense. There was just something about how much he said he loved me that made me feel like living was a good thing instead of a bad thing. Like my life actually meant something to someone. I know I meant something to my family too but they were far away and busy, and I know I meant something to Jerbs, but she and I had our own set of issues back then.
Now, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with one particular person in your life finally making you want to fix yourself. But I think my disorders made it hard for me to focus on anyone other than Corey, even in the context of getting better--and that's not healthy, to hang all of your hopes on one person. And I knew that then and I never really intended things to go that way. I envisioned it as, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to seek treatment and get help, girl gets better and she and boy fall even more in love now that she's healthy and able to be a good partner, happily ever after. And instead it went something like, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to get help, girl gets help but is terrified that changing at all will make boy leave her, gets too caught up in being in love with boy to focus on her own issues, things fall completely apart.
I think a lot of it had to do with identity. I thought, Corey met me and feel for me when I was still sick, and maybe he won't love me if I'm well (stupid, I know, but these disorders are not know for being rational). And I didn't know who I was when I met him, and since I didn't know who I was alone, I could never figure out who I was in the relationship. I guess the lesson is that it's dangerous to lose yourself in someone if you're not grounded in yourself first.
There's nothing wrong with being lost in someone as long as you know the way back to you. I didn't.
Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, getting my life together. School, work, car, money, treatment, they're all pieces. And I think that Corey--or just love in general, be it with him or someone else--is still absolutely a piece of that puzzle. It's just going to have to be the last piece, not the first piece.
And I admit that he was a big part of the reason. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like there was something worth living for, because he was worth living for. Not that he was the only thing but he was the big one, if that makes sense. There was just something about how much he said he loved me that made me feel like living was a good thing instead of a bad thing. Like my life actually meant something to someone. I know I meant something to my family too but they were far away and busy, and I know I meant something to Jerbs, but she and I had our own set of issues back then.
Now, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with one particular person in your life finally making you want to fix yourself. But I think my disorders made it hard for me to focus on anyone other than Corey, even in the context of getting better--and that's not healthy, to hang all of your hopes on one person. And I knew that then and I never really intended things to go that way. I envisioned it as, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to seek treatment and get help, girl gets better and she and boy fall even more in love now that she's healthy and able to be a good partner, happily ever after. And instead it went something like, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to get help, girl gets help but is terrified that changing at all will make boy leave her, gets too caught up in being in love with boy to focus on her own issues, things fall completely apart.
I think a lot of it had to do with identity. I thought, Corey met me and feel for me when I was still sick, and maybe he won't love me if I'm well (stupid, I know, but these disorders are not know for being rational). And I didn't know who I was when I met him, and since I didn't know who I was alone, I could never figure out who I was in the relationship. I guess the lesson is that it's dangerous to lose yourself in someone if you're not grounded in yourself first.
There's nothing wrong with being lost in someone as long as you know the way back to you. I didn't.
Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, getting my life together. School, work, car, money, treatment, they're all pieces. And I think that Corey--or just love in general, be it with him or someone else--is still absolutely a piece of that puzzle. It's just going to have to be the last piece, not the first piece.
10.02.2012
Weigh In # 4
Today my weight is 175. Yay!!!
That means that I've lost 2 pounds over the past 2 weeks and brings my total to 5 pounds.
I'm excited and very proud of myself. It feels awesome to actually see some results, because I've been trying for a very long time to get myself on a diet and workout regimen and stick to it.
I'm definitely doing better food wise. In September there were 8 days that I didn't eat fast food. That doesn't sound very impressive but if you'd seen my diet for the past 7 years, you'd know that it is a tremendous achievement for me. My goal for October is to only eat out 4 times or less, so hopefully I can do that.
I still need to work on the Dr. Pepper thing. It is just such an addiction that it's really hard to kick.
But still, I'm heading in the right direction!
That means that I've lost 2 pounds over the past 2 weeks and brings my total to 5 pounds.
I'm excited and very proud of myself. It feels awesome to actually see some results, because I've been trying for a very long time to get myself on a diet and workout regimen and stick to it.
I'm definitely doing better food wise. In September there were 8 days that I didn't eat fast food. That doesn't sound very impressive but if you'd seen my diet for the past 7 years, you'd know that it is a tremendous achievement for me. My goal for October is to only eat out 4 times or less, so hopefully I can do that.
I still need to work on the Dr. Pepper thing. It is just such an addiction that it's really hard to kick.
But still, I'm heading in the right direction!
10.01.2012
Staying On Track
This is how I'm keeping myself on track from month to month. And yes, it makes me feel a little like a 10 year old, but whatever works, right?
I made myself this little packet. The first page is an October calendar so I can keep track of stuff (cuz y'know, I have a really busy social life and all . . . ). Pages 2 and 3 are my mood chart, where I keep track of taking my medicine, how my moods are every day, how I sleep, whether or not I eat fast food or go to the gym, and my weight. Mood charting is a big thing in bipolar patients and something that my psychiatrist has encouraged me to do since I first started seeing him. It does help. The last page is a list of goals I set for myself for October. The goal list is a new thing but I think it'll be helpful. Plus I like playing with Sharpies so I had fun writing it.
I also have a little notebook where I make weekly TO DO lists, because I'm weird like that.
I made myself this little packet. The first page is an October calendar so I can keep track of stuff (cuz y'know, I have a really busy social life and all . . . ). Pages 2 and 3 are my mood chart, where I keep track of taking my medicine, how my moods are every day, how I sleep, whether or not I eat fast food or go to the gym, and my weight. Mood charting is a big thing in bipolar patients and something that my psychiatrist has encouraged me to do since I first started seeing him. It does help. The last page is a list of goals I set for myself for October. The goal list is a new thing but I think it'll be helpful. Plus I like playing with Sharpies so I had fun writing it.
I also have a little notebook where I make weekly TO DO lists, because I'm weird like that.
Pins & Needles
I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear back about the administrative assistant job.
I am just really excited about it, and I really really really want it. I've already been thinking of what I could do with the extra income and how awesome it would be to work in a nice office and on a regular schedule . . . yeah, my hopes are pretty high. If I don't get it I know I'll be kinda crushed.
I just hope I'm right about how well it went and that she didn't actually hate me and just hid it really well.
Hopefully this works out. I need it to.
She said they wanted to hire quickly so I'm expecting to hear from her today or tomorrow, and no later than Wednesday.
My fingers and toes are crossed and I've said quite a few prayers and wished on some stars!
I am just really excited about it, and I really really really want it. I've already been thinking of what I could do with the extra income and how awesome it would be to work in a nice office and on a regular schedule . . . yeah, my hopes are pretty high. If I don't get it I know I'll be kinda crushed.
I just hope I'm right about how well it went and that she didn't actually hate me and just hid it really well.
Hopefully this works out. I need it to.
She said they wanted to hire quickly so I'm expecting to hear from her today or tomorrow, and no later than Wednesday.
My fingers and toes are crossed and I've said quite a few prayers and wished on some stars!
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