I haven't really done a lot of posting about health and fitness and weight loss and all that stuff so far this year. And the reason for that is that I'm basically stalled in those particular areas at the moment.
I started off doing really well in January. I weighed in at 190 pounds on the first of the year and kicked ass in January, I was really consistent and just did well. And I thought I could carry that momentum into the rest of the year and I was wrong.
In February I started doing yoga once a week and really enjoyed it. But February ended up being a tough month mental health wise: turning 31, my youngest sister turning 23, the anniversary of my and my ex's engagement, it really hitting me that I'm going to move out of AZ this year, etc. And I reverted back to old stress eating habits and undid all my January progress.
March and April were only a little bit better. I quite going to yoga at the end of March. And basically I didn't try at all for those months.
And now it's May and I'm still in that not caring not trying mode. I don't know why but I just can't seem to shake it, and it's extremely frustrating. I know my health is suffering. I want to lose weight so badly, and I know EXACTLY what I need to do to make that happen, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.
With my vacation coming up soon, I'm letting myself not worry about it for now. I'm going to go on my trip, have a good time, and then when I get back I'll try and re-focus on the weight loss thing. I'm not feeling super confident about it, but I at least have to tell myself I'm going to try, right?
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
5.19.2016
8.10.2014
Just An Update
1. This week I finished one of my special projects at MHC. Hallefreakinglujah. It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It took up pretty much my whole Tuesday but that's OK.
2. Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it. Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails. Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.
3. I started doing Couch to 5k this week. I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running). At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me. And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.
4. I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF. I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal. I'm looking forward to that.
5. I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday. No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message. That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow. Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month. I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking. This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity. I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only. So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.
5. Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart. As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff. It was the most random thing. The most absolute random thing. And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together. Sigh.
2. Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it. Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails. Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.
3. I started doing Couch to 5k this week. I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running). At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me. And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.
4. I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF. I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal. I'm looking forward to that.
5. I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday. No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message. That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow. Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month. I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking. This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity. I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only. So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.
5. Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart. As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff. It was the most random thing. The most absolute random thing. And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together. Sigh.
6.15.2014
Buckling Down
I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like the past two weeks have just been . . . weird. I can't quite put my finger on why but things have felt off. It's been frustrating and I'm really trying to shake it.
Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather. That's never easy for me. And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside. Very, very annoying. I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks. Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit. I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out. And I obviously can't sleep through work. And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate. I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out. That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.
But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.
I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. That is, at the moment, a high priority. Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.
I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being. I need to drink less soda and more water. I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP. I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.
I need to work out. I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio. My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.
And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.
I need to write. That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.
Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather. That's never easy for me. And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside. Very, very annoying. I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks. Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit. I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out. And I obviously can't sleep through work. And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate. I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out. That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.
But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.
I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. That is, at the moment, a high priority. Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.
I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being. I need to drink less soda and more water. I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP. I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.
I need to work out. I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio. My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.
And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.
I need to write. That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.
4.22.2014
So
It's been 3 weeks since I wrote anything here. I think that's the longest I've gone without blogging since I started back in 2012.
Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle. Not consistently, it's been up and down. Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days. In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting? I'll write more about that part of it later. For now, a general catch up.
It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do. (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though). It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff. Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious. Hollie loves to run and she's fast! Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.
But it's great having Hollie here. Adopting her was definitely a great decision. She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her. She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome. She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max. Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her. He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved. In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday. It made me so happy. We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well. I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive. I love it. The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious. Like I said, definitely a great decision.
My little April fitness challenge is going so so. I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK. Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff. Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good. My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice. Slow but steady. I'm making small improvements as I feel able to. I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too. And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part. Weekends are still tricky but no big deal. One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful. Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right? I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.
Work is good right now. Busy and at times frustrating but good. I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well. And really, the frustration is really passing. When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later. So whatever. I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.
I think that's about it. For the moment, anyhow.
Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle. Not consistently, it's been up and down. Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days. In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting? I'll write more about that part of it later. For now, a general catch up.
It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do. (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though). It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff. Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious. Hollie loves to run and she's fast! Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.
But it's great having Hollie here. Adopting her was definitely a great decision. She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her. She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome. She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max. Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her. He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved. In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday. It made me so happy. We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well. I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive. I love it. The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious. Like I said, definitely a great decision.
My little April fitness challenge is going so so. I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK. Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff. Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good. My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice. Slow but steady. I'm making small improvements as I feel able to. I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too. And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part. Weekends are still tricky but no big deal. One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful. Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right? I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.
Work is good right now. Busy and at times frustrating but good. I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well. And really, the frustration is really passing. When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later. So whatever. I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.
I think that's about it. For the moment, anyhow.
2.17.2014
Selfies
January 2014 (mid January)
February 17th, 2014
I can see a bit of a difference and it makes me happy. Definitely losing a little in my stomach area. I wish I'd faced the same way both times . . . I'm not really good at selfies haha.
Anyway, I've been slacking the past few days but this makes me want to do better.
And those pictures were taken in the bathroom at work, FYI.
February 17th, 2014
I can see a bit of a difference and it makes me happy. Definitely losing a little in my stomach area. I wish I'd faced the same way both times . . . I'm not really good at selfies haha.
Anyway, I've been slacking the past few days but this makes me want to do better.
And those pictures were taken in the bathroom at work, FYI.
12.01.2013
Weekend Recap
First let me say this: I do NOT want to go back to work tomorrow. Seriously, this long weekend has been amazing . . . I'm not looking forward to Monday.
I had a productive weekend. On Friday I went to Old Navy, because everything in their store was half off(!); I spent $60 and saved $45, so that was pretty awesome. A couple things I bought were clearance so they weren't half off. Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of stuff that were size medium, even though I'm currently an extra large. I know everyone says dress for what you've got, not what you want, but I feel like if I keep buying myself big clothes I'm going to stay big. And if I'd been paying full price for everything I got I'd have bought stuff I could wear now, but I figured a half off sale was a good excuse to buy some inspiration clothes. And I'm thrilled with my purchases, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear them!
I also went to JoAnn and got a lot of fleece on sale, for making Christmas gifts. I'll be busy doing that this week.
Jerbs' friend Adam was here Friday and was supposed to be here all day Saturday as well, but he ended up having to leave Saturday morning. He had planned to take Jerbs to the NAU football game on Saturday evening and Jerbs was pretty happy to get out of that gracefully.
But then Saturday afternoon, B and her husband (other B) came up for . . . the NAU football game! So Jerbs had to go anyway. I went too and it was so much fun! I'll write more about that later. But I'm glad I got to go, even though NAU lost.
And today was just Sunday--cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping for the week, etc. Sigh. I hate Sundays.
Oh, and also, I am not doing a weigh in today because my lovely body decided that today would be a good time for my period to start. So any weight isn't going to be accurate--I am always 3--7 pounds heavier at this time so I'm not even going to bother. Since I'm fairly regular I anticipate this happening every month for the time being, so my weigh ins are going to be on the 15th. And yes, this bothers me tremendously, because it just seems silly to weigh in on the 15th, but whatever. Accuracy's a good thing, I suppose.
Here's to a new week! Hopefully it's a good one and goes by FAST!
I had a productive weekend. On Friday I went to Old Navy, because everything in their store was half off(!); I spent $60 and saved $45, so that was pretty awesome. A couple things I bought were clearance so they weren't half off. Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of stuff that were size medium, even though I'm currently an extra large. I know everyone says dress for what you've got, not what you want, but I feel like if I keep buying myself big clothes I'm going to stay big. And if I'd been paying full price for everything I got I'd have bought stuff I could wear now, but I figured a half off sale was a good excuse to buy some inspiration clothes. And I'm thrilled with my purchases, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear them!
I also went to JoAnn and got a lot of fleece on sale, for making Christmas gifts. I'll be busy doing that this week.
Jerbs' friend Adam was here Friday and was supposed to be here all day Saturday as well, but he ended up having to leave Saturday morning. He had planned to take Jerbs to the NAU football game on Saturday evening and Jerbs was pretty happy to get out of that gracefully.
But then Saturday afternoon, B and her husband (other B) came up for . . . the NAU football game! So Jerbs had to go anyway. I went too and it was so much fun! I'll write more about that later. But I'm glad I got to go, even though NAU lost.
And today was just Sunday--cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping for the week, etc. Sigh. I hate Sundays.
Oh, and also, I am not doing a weigh in today because my lovely body decided that today would be a good time for my period to start. So any weight isn't going to be accurate--I am always 3--7 pounds heavier at this time so I'm not even going to bother. Since I'm fairly regular I anticipate this happening every month for the time being, so my weigh ins are going to be on the 15th. And yes, this bothers me tremendously, because it just seems silly to weigh in on the 15th, but whatever. Accuracy's a good thing, I suppose.
Here's to a new week! Hopefully it's a good one and goes by FAST!
11.16.2013
Fitness Update
I haven't weighed myself since October 15th, which is why I didn't post a November weigh in. I just kind of decided I didn't care. During that whole incident with my medicine I went completely off the rails diet/exercise wise so I knew that whatever I saw on the scale wasn't going to be pleasant. I didn't measure myself either.
But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight. Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with. And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit. I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well! I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.
I won't lie, I feel like shit. I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches. And I'm grouchy as well. I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too. I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing? It's not really pleasant but it's manageable. This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit. I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well. I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to. It's kind of depressing. At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start! When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things! But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.
I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?
At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!
But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight. Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with. And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit. I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well! I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.
I won't lie, I feel like shit. I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches. And I'm grouchy as well. I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too. I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing? It's not really pleasant but it's manageable. This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit. I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well. I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to. It's kind of depressing. At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start! When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things! But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.
I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?
At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!
8.25.2013
This Week
I know this post is titled "This Week," but I'm actually going to talk about last week first.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
5.23.2013
Lately
Like I said I haven't been much in a blogging mood lately but here's a general update.
Good Stuff:
--The car. I love it. It's awesome. I need to post the whole story of how I ended up with it and some pictures soon. It still doesn't have a name, though.
--I got insurance through work. It's not super great insurance and has a high deductible but still, it's something. And the thing about a deductible is that you get charged the insurance's allowed rates instead of the cash pay rate, so paying in full for my psych appointment last week meant paying half of what I usually pay. So I'm not complaining. (Although my name was misspelled on my insurance card, jerks).
--Physically I've been feeling a little better lately. Still some days of low energy but overall better than before.
--Work is still going well. I have my first evaluation tomorrow (my 90 day a little late) and that's nerve wracking but it also potentially means a raise, which would be nice. Hopefully it goes well.
--Nice weather lately. Not too warm but not cold (although my office is always freezing at work) and a nice breeze most of the time, plus some days of cloud cover.
--Max is doing really well. He's gained a whole pound since we got him and he's almost 100% potty trained. He's also just super cute and he gets protective of Benji. It's adorable.
--I wrote an organizational plan for the apartment. The lease is up at the end of July and I suggested we move to a 2 bedroom but Jerbs nixed that idea. I told her that if we couldn't move, I wanted to do some deep cleaning/organizing here just to make it a little less cluttered and stuff. I'm looking forward to doing that, even if Jerbs isn't.
Not Good Stuff
--I haven't been to the gym in like 3 weeks now. I don't know why but I just . . . don't feel like it. I can't even explain it, really, but it's frustrating. I know the trick is to suck it up and just GO but for some reason I can't seem to do that. I need to get back on track. I'm hoping that having a car will help with that (ie knowing I'm not going to have to walk two miles in the process of getting home might make the idea of spending a half hour on the treadmill at lunch a little more appealing). Plus with a car I can go to the gym on weekends, something I couldn't do before.
--Saturday it will have been one year to the day since Corey told me he didn't want to marry me, and I won't lie, I'm kind of a mess about that, for so many reasons. I'm terrified of it, really, because this is the anniversary I've been dreading. I honestly never believed we'd get to this point, yet here we are, and it's going to come and go and there's nothing I can do about it. And Jerbs is out of town this weekend (doing PCC with the Flicks) so I'm all by myself and that doesn't really help.
--My boss announced that she'll more than likely be leaving in July and that's depressing, because I really like her.
--In general I have just felt kind of blah lately. Like . . . I don't know. Just really unmotivated, gym and otherwise. I think I'm having trouble engaging right now, if that makes sense (which I'm pretty sure it doesn't but still). I guess life right now feels really transitional; a lot of changes have happened since the beginning of the year and I feel like, in a way, I'm struggling to catch up. Like the changes are happening faster than my mind can process them. And even though they're good changes (for the most part), they're still scary. And I definitely have a tendency to detach a little when I'm uncomfortable with changes. But I'm working on it and I'm not worried.
That's about all I can think of for now.
Good Stuff:
--The car. I love it. It's awesome. I need to post the whole story of how I ended up with it and some pictures soon. It still doesn't have a name, though.
--I got insurance through work. It's not super great insurance and has a high deductible but still, it's something. And the thing about a deductible is that you get charged the insurance's allowed rates instead of the cash pay rate, so paying in full for my psych appointment last week meant paying half of what I usually pay. So I'm not complaining. (Although my name was misspelled on my insurance card, jerks).
--Physically I've been feeling a little better lately. Still some days of low energy but overall better than before.
--Work is still going well. I have my first evaluation tomorrow (my 90 day a little late) and that's nerve wracking but it also potentially means a raise, which would be nice. Hopefully it goes well.
--Nice weather lately. Not too warm but not cold (although my office is always freezing at work) and a nice breeze most of the time, plus some days of cloud cover.
--Max is doing really well. He's gained a whole pound since we got him and he's almost 100% potty trained. He's also just super cute and he gets protective of Benji. It's adorable.
--I wrote an organizational plan for the apartment. The lease is up at the end of July and I suggested we move to a 2 bedroom but Jerbs nixed that idea. I told her that if we couldn't move, I wanted to do some deep cleaning/organizing here just to make it a little less cluttered and stuff. I'm looking forward to doing that, even if Jerbs isn't.
Not Good Stuff
--I haven't been to the gym in like 3 weeks now. I don't know why but I just . . . don't feel like it. I can't even explain it, really, but it's frustrating. I know the trick is to suck it up and just GO but for some reason I can't seem to do that. I need to get back on track. I'm hoping that having a car will help with that (ie knowing I'm not going to have to walk two miles in the process of getting home might make the idea of spending a half hour on the treadmill at lunch a little more appealing). Plus with a car I can go to the gym on weekends, something I couldn't do before.
--Saturday it will have been one year to the day since Corey told me he didn't want to marry me, and I won't lie, I'm kind of a mess about that, for so many reasons. I'm terrified of it, really, because this is the anniversary I've been dreading. I honestly never believed we'd get to this point, yet here we are, and it's going to come and go and there's nothing I can do about it. And Jerbs is out of town this weekend (doing PCC with the Flicks) so I'm all by myself and that doesn't really help.
--My boss announced that she'll more than likely be leaving in July and that's depressing, because I really like her.
--In general I have just felt kind of blah lately. Like . . . I don't know. Just really unmotivated, gym and otherwise. I think I'm having trouble engaging right now, if that makes sense (which I'm pretty sure it doesn't but still). I guess life right now feels really transitional; a lot of changes have happened since the beginning of the year and I feel like, in a way, I'm struggling to catch up. Like the changes are happening faster than my mind can process them. And even though they're good changes (for the most part), they're still scary. And I definitely have a tendency to detach a little when I'm uncomfortable with changes. But I'm working on it and I'm not worried.
That's about all I can think of for now.
1.12.2013
Worst. Workout. Ever.
Remember how I mentioned it's freaking cold as crap out at the moment?
Well, it still is. And this afternoon my thought process was going something like this: it is way too cold to go work out today . . . but I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and I really want to . . . but do I really feel like walking all that way in this? . . . but this is probably the warmest it'll be today so it's now or never, I should just suck it up and go . . .
So I did. I put on my workout clothes (leggings, tank top, sports bra, etc). Then I put on another pair of sweats over my leggings and a long sleeved shirt over my tank top. Then I put on my big winter coat, my hat, and my gloves. Make sure all the stuff I need (iPod, earbuds, water, hair tie) is in my bag and off I go. Trekked over to the workout room, stripped down to my actual workout clothes, and hopped on the machine. And in my head I'm like, damn, I'm awesome today, go me.
Then wouldn't you know it, my freaking iPod is dead. And that's weird, because I am really anal about my iPod--I charged it yesterday and the battery was full, and when I put it in my bag, I make sure it's turned off and locked so that it can't accidentally turn on and drain the battery. I was ticked, but at the same time, I was like, I walked all the way over here, I'm going to work out. I did attempt to turn the TV on, but I could only find 3 channels (GAC, the NAU channel, and something else . . . can't remember what), so I gave up and worked out in silence. I did manage 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is less than I wanted but considering the cold, how crappy I feel because my Lithium levels are low, and no distraction to make the work out more bearable . . . well, I'm patting myself on the back!
I did my 20 minutes in 10 minute chunks. Right before I started my second 10 minutes, this couple came into the workout room. And I admit that I'm still kind of in that mindset of going bleeeeccchhh every time I see a cutesy couple. They each took a treadmill, and he was in front of her. Before he started his workout he looked back, said, "Hey," and blew her a kiss when she looked up. So I was like even more bleeeeechhhh. (And Corey used to blow me kisses all the time . . . at church, during orchestra, during bells, when we were driving, etc). Not. Pleasant.
I can't wait to join a real gym. Seriously, can't freaking wait.
Well, it still is. And this afternoon my thought process was going something like this: it is way too cold to go work out today . . . but I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and I really want to . . . but do I really feel like walking all that way in this? . . . but this is probably the warmest it'll be today so it's now or never, I should just suck it up and go . . .
So I did. I put on my workout clothes (leggings, tank top, sports bra, etc). Then I put on another pair of sweats over my leggings and a long sleeved shirt over my tank top. Then I put on my big winter coat, my hat, and my gloves. Make sure all the stuff I need (iPod, earbuds, water, hair tie) is in my bag and off I go. Trekked over to the workout room, stripped down to my actual workout clothes, and hopped on the machine. And in my head I'm like, damn, I'm awesome today, go me.
Then wouldn't you know it, my freaking iPod is dead. And that's weird, because I am really anal about my iPod--I charged it yesterday and the battery was full, and when I put it in my bag, I make sure it's turned off and locked so that it can't accidentally turn on and drain the battery. I was ticked, but at the same time, I was like, I walked all the way over here, I'm going to work out. I did attempt to turn the TV on, but I could only find 3 channels (GAC, the NAU channel, and something else . . . can't remember what), so I gave up and worked out in silence. I did manage 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is less than I wanted but considering the cold, how crappy I feel because my Lithium levels are low, and no distraction to make the work out more bearable . . . well, I'm patting myself on the back!
I did my 20 minutes in 10 minute chunks. Right before I started my second 10 minutes, this couple came into the workout room. And I admit that I'm still kind of in that mindset of going bleeeeccchhh every time I see a cutesy couple. They each took a treadmill, and he was in front of her. Before he started his workout he looked back, said, "Hey," and blew her a kiss when she looked up. So I was like even more bleeeeechhhh. (And Corey used to blow me kisses all the time . . . at church, during orchestra, during bells, when we were driving, etc). Not. Pleasant.
I can't wait to join a real gym. Seriously, can't freaking wait.
9.19.2012
The Thing Is
Ex-Fiance has been on my mind a lot lately. I think about him and I think about us, and I think about what went wrong between us and how we'd go about fixing it if we decided to. I remember things and I think about just what it was like to be with him. The memories feel weird now--like it's been so long since I saw him or touched him or kissed him that they've faded and almost don't seem real. Sometimes it feels like it was a dream, other times I just feel amazed in this, wow, how could that have been my life kinda way. Sometimes I wonder what it would/will feel like if/when we saw/see each other in person again. I haven't seen him since July 15th so it's been quite awhile.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
9.15.2012
Saturday Lessons
1. The mall can be a great diet motivator. Wandering around and seeing tons of cute jeans/shirts/sweaters/boots makes me want to work harder at getting in shape. (I know I don't really need to lose weight to wear boots, but the boots can be a reward for losing weight!)
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2. Don McClean's "American Pie" is an excellent workout song. That song is like 9 minutes long, so when you start a 20 minute workout with it on, by the time it's over, you're about halfway through. And I usually tell myself that I have to get through 4 songs. So when 1 song gets you halfway through your workout, it makes it feel like it's going faster than it is. (And I feel like a genius for realizing this).
3. This is more just a realization than a lesson, but tonight I thought of an advantage of working out here instead of at A.F. A.F. has cable TV's on their cardio equipment that you can plug your ear buds into, and that's lovely, but let me tell you, there's nothing more painful during a workout than seeing ads for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, etc. Seriously a horrible thing. So even though I don't love the workout room here at least I don't leave it every night with severe cravings for things I shouldn't eat.
(And if you're wondering, yes, I caved a few times in Kingman and stopped at McDonalds or Carl's Jr. on the way home from the gym. And yes, I see the irony/stupidity in that).
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4. Y'know how guys complain about girls who are always saying they're cold? I'm totally one of those girls. Tonight I was sitting in my chair in sweatpants and my sweatshirt, and Jerbs was at her computer in a tank top and panties. Sigh.
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5. Sometimes the words of a complete stranger can be the most meaningful thing you've heard in a long time. And that's amazing. I'll post more on that later.
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2. Don McClean's "American Pie" is an excellent workout song. That song is like 9 minutes long, so when you start a 20 minute workout with it on, by the time it's over, you're about halfway through. And I usually tell myself that I have to get through 4 songs. So when 1 song gets you halfway through your workout, it makes it feel like it's going faster than it is. (And I feel like a genius for realizing this).
3. This is more just a realization than a lesson, but tonight I thought of an advantage of working out here instead of at A.F. A.F. has cable TV's on their cardio equipment that you can plug your ear buds into, and that's lovely, but let me tell you, there's nothing more painful during a workout than seeing ads for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, etc. Seriously a horrible thing. So even though I don't love the workout room here at least I don't leave it every night with severe cravings for things I shouldn't eat.
(And if you're wondering, yes, I caved a few times in Kingman and stopped at McDonalds or Carl's Jr. on the way home from the gym. And yes, I see the irony/stupidity in that).
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4. Y'know how guys complain about girls who are always saying they're cold? I'm totally one of those girls. Tonight I was sitting in my chair in sweatpants and my sweatshirt, and Jerbs was at her computer in a tank top and panties. Sigh.
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5. Sometimes the words of a complete stranger can be the most meaningful thing you've heard in a long time. And that's amazing. I'll post more on that later.
9.07.2012
Before
This is what I look like today. I'm hoping that posting this here will add to the incentive to start getting healthier. Because seriously . . . blech. Especially the side view . . . I can't believe my neck/chin . . . so gross. :(
I'm also hoping that in a few months, I can take more pictures and be like whoa, that's an awesome difference. Also, today I weigh 180 pounds. I have all of my measurements recorded too, but I really don't have the energy to post them here.
I think I'm going to weigh myself weekly, so every Friday, and take pictures like that monthly.
I did work out today! I walked over to the work out room across the street tonight (finally . . . I dragged Jerbs with me for moral support) and worked out on the elliptical like thingy they have. It's not the same as the ones in Kingman so the timing was different--I did 10 minutes, but the machine said that was 2 miles. Not too shabby. I also think I went faster because I've been walking so much and I've progressively just started walking faster (I used to take about 8 minutes to walk to the bus stop, now it takes me 4 or 5). I'm proud of myself. And it felt GOOD to work out! I'm looking forward to doing it tomorrow night.
I'm also hoping that in a few months, I can take more pictures and be like whoa, that's an awesome difference. Also, today I weigh 180 pounds. I have all of my measurements recorded too, but I really don't have the energy to post them here.
I think I'm going to weigh myself weekly, so every Friday, and take pictures like that monthly.
I did work out today! I walked over to the work out room across the street tonight (finally . . . I dragged Jerbs with me for moral support) and worked out on the elliptical like thingy they have. It's not the same as the ones in Kingman so the timing was different--I did 10 minutes, but the machine said that was 2 miles. Not too shabby. I also think I went faster because I've been walking so much and I've progressively just started walking faster (I used to take about 8 minutes to walk to the bus stop, now it takes me 4 or 5). I'm proud of myself. And it felt GOOD to work out! I'm looking forward to doing it tomorrow night.
9.03.2012
A New Month
It's September!
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
7.29.2012
The First Step
I'm starting to get a little frustrated. When I decided to move back to Flagstaff, I was pretty upbeat about it. I mean, I'm still heartbroken over the whole situation, but I thought, this'll be my chance to really get myself together. To really improve myself so that I can live my life with or without Corey. And I feel so READY to do all that, I feel so READY to finally get better once and for all.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
7.10.2012
The Gym
I finally made it to the gym today.
Thanks to a misunderstanding on my part about the bus schedule, though, I ended up having to take the long way there. So by the time I got to the gym I'd probably walked about 2 miles total. And the Anytime Fitness here doesn't have just regular ellipticals, so I used an elliptical like machine. So between the walking before hand, the different machine, and the elevation, I was only able to do 10 minutes. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.
But better than nothing. And honestly if I'd tried one of those machines 6 or 8 months ago I probably wouldn't have even been able to do those 10 minutes. So it is some progress.
And I actually lost two pounds this past week! (I weigh myself on Mondays). I went from 182 to 180 so I'm pretty happy with that!
I just can't wait til I have a car so I can go to the gym whenever I feel like it again. I'm crossing my fingers/praying/hoping like crazy that I get one of the F/T jobs I applied for, because then I could definitely afford a car.
Thanks to a misunderstanding on my part about the bus schedule, though, I ended up having to take the long way there. So by the time I got to the gym I'd probably walked about 2 miles total. And the Anytime Fitness here doesn't have just regular ellipticals, so I used an elliptical like machine. So between the walking before hand, the different machine, and the elevation, I was only able to do 10 minutes. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.
But better than nothing. And honestly if I'd tried one of those machines 6 or 8 months ago I probably wouldn't have even been able to do those 10 minutes. So it is some progress.
And I actually lost two pounds this past week! (I weigh myself on Mondays). I went from 182 to 180 so I'm pretty happy with that!
I just can't wait til I have a car so I can go to the gym whenever I feel like it again. I'm crossing my fingers/praying/hoping like crazy that I get one of the F/T jobs I applied for, because then I could definitely afford a car.
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