How I Got My Car

So.  The car.

Basically, a lot of things happened and it ended up working out perfectly.  I was in the right place at the right time and found the right people to work with.

At the beginning of May, I was starting to get really antsy about the car thing.  I am not known for my patience, so I talked to my mom, and she agreed to loan me $250 to put with whatever I had for a down payment.  I checked my credit and my score had actually improved a little since I last checked, so I was hoping that I might be able to find a car for around $5000 and do a 10% down payment.  Well, after spending a lot of time on AutoTrader I realized that everything I liked was closer to $7k.  And I came to the conclusion that this car is something I want to have for at least the next 6 or 7 years so something in better condition was probably the best.  I also came to the conclusion that Las Vegas was going to be a better bet for car shopping purely for logistics; I figured I could hop on a Greyhound to Ktown and then my sister could take me to Vegas.

I started looking in Vegas and found a 2003 Ford Escape at one dealership and a 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe at another.  I also found a 2004 Suzuki Grand Vitara in Kingman that kind of became my plan B.  Both dealerships in Vegas said they'd work with me as far as credit and I decided to just take $500 from one paycheck (since I got paid 3 times in May) and just do it.  So on Friday, the 17th, I took a bus to Kingman.  It all felt kind of insane and rushed to be honest, and I felt like maybe I was just jumping the gun.  But I figured that even if I didn't get a car and had to take the bus home, at the very least I got a visit with my family.  By this  time the 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe in Vegas had been removed from AutoTrader so I had crossed it off my list.

So Saturday I did a credit app for the dealership for the Ford Escape and they called me back within like 20 minutes and the guy was a total d-bag, and basically told me that I'd need at least $1500 down and my payments would still be around $300/month.  I told him thanks but no thanks and he kind of laughed at me . . . it was so insulting.  So that was a big, big let down and I almost just gave up.

But just for the hell of it I did a credit app for the dealership in Kingman.  After about an hour they called me back and left a voicemail; when I returned their call I found out that they'd never gotten my online application and the call was just because of my inquiry into that Suzuki GV.  So I did an app over the phone and the guy said he'd see what he could do.  He called back a while later and asked a few more questions about my income and stuff.  He said he might not have an answer til Monday and I told him I was in town for the weekend, but that I'd be willing to come back the following weekend if I had to.  Then he called back a while after that and said that since the Suzuki had such high mileage (over 170k, which I hadn't known since it wasn't listed on the website) no bank was going to finance it (I didn't know this but apparently in general cars with over 100k won't get financing).  He said he had an '05 Ford Escape that was a couple thousand more than the GV that they could try.  I said I wasn't sure but he said they'd still try to get it into the price range for payments I'd said was OK.  He again said he'd see what he could do and call me back.  By now it was like 3 pm and I wasn't really holding my breath, so I took a nap with Saucy.  My phone rang at around 3:30 but I ignored it cuz I was tired and I was expecting another no.  But they called again at 4, and when I called back at like 4:20, the guy was like, you need to get over here because I have a couple cars I can get you in.

So my sister rushed me over to the dealership and my mom met us there, and the car that was waiting for me to test drive was a 2004 Hyundai Santa Fe identical to the one I'd been looking at in Vegas that had sold.  I test drove it, I loved it, it only has 65k on it, it had just come in as a trade and was in fantastic condition and incredibly clean.  This was all on Saturday and they'd just gotten the car in as a trade the day before, so it had to be detailed and put through their mechanical inspection before I could have it.  Plus I needed to buy insurance as well and since it was like 4:45 at this point and they closed at 5, they offered to deliver it to Flagstaff for me on Monday after I faxed them the stuff they needed.

So I did the down payment, bought insurance on Monday and faxed them the info, and around 4:15 on Monday afternoon (the 20th) they delivered it right to my office!  I have to say that I was and am seriously impressed with Martin Swanty Hyundai in Kingman; they really went above and beyond for me and I'm very, very grateful.

It's nice to have a car, and even more than that, it's amazing that I did this on my own.  I mean, obviously my mom helped financially, but I took the initiative and I got financing; this is the first car I've owned that's been in just my name.  I did this without Jerbs or Corey holding my hand and that truly feels like an accomplishment.  And even after being laughed at by that dealership guy in Vegas I was able to get financing through a big lender (Capital One) and put down what ended up being less than 10%.  Yes, I have a sadly high interest rate but I was pretty much expecting that.  Not gonna lie, 3 years of unemployment or underemployment took a pretty big hit on my credit, and I know that I've generally made some bad decisions in that realm, so I'm willing to sort of do my time for it now, if that makes sense.  And the finance  guy at the dealership said that since Capital One is a big lender they'll report to all 3 credit agencies, so my plan is to make all my payments on time for a year and see how that improves my credit score and then refinance for a lower interest rate.

Here's the car!  His name is Watson.

I absolutely love it.  It's so weird to be driving again, though.  And in a weird way I miss the bus a little bit but the way everything fell into the place with this car, I feel like it was how things were supposed to go.

Three Hundred and Sixty Five

I'm really not sure what to say about the one year anniversary but I feel like I need to say something.

It was a quiet, uneventful day.  My co-worker brought her kids over to visit Max (they're the ones I adopted him from) and they and Max had so much fun.  We took Max on a long walk together and when they left, he tried to leave with them; afterward he just sat at the front door and cried.  I took him to PetSmart and ran a few errands, then spent my evening watching LOST on Netflix and cleaning/organizing things around here.

So all in all, not a whole lot to talk about.  I expected it to feel . . . I don't know, more significant, but I didn't actually think about it much.  I mean, in the back of my mind, I was aware, all day, of the one year thing but overall, it wasn't too big a deal.  I thought about calling him more than once but every time I dialed his number I hung up before I even pressed talk.

It's hard to believe it's been a year.  Past that, I don't know what to say, really.  On the one hand this feels like a deadline: if it's been a whole year then it's definitely time to give up and stop hoping and just move on with my life regardless of how strongly I feel I'm not quite ready to do that.  On the other hand this has somehow made me feel more hopeful, in the sense of maybe now it's been long enough.  Maybe now enough time has passed that we can sit down and talk things out and go from there.

Sometimes I look at the past year and I feel like a failure.  I feel like there's so much more I could have accomplished if I'd worked a little bit harder or devoted myself a little bit more.  This is really pretty limited to my weight and physical health--sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself, Do you know how much you could have accomplished in a year if you'd just eaten better and worked out more?  And yeah, it disappoints me.

At the same time, though, I know that I have accomplished tons in the past year.  Reading blog entries and FB statuses from this time last year is proof that I'm really a completely different person now than I was then.

First and foremost, my mental health has improved by leaps and bounds.  I'm healthier now than I ever have been as an adult.  I feel like I'm in control of my own mind, I'm not as angry or as bitter, my sense of self gets stronger every day.  And even more than that I'v been able to commit to my treatment.  I take my medicine every day, I go to my doctor's appointments, I get my lab work done when I'm supposed to.  All great things that I definitely wasn't doing as much or as well before.  I don't have anxiety attacks anymore and I can sleep without sleeping pills.  I feel capable.  I do still have bad days but now when I do, they're normal bad days in the sense that whatever made them bad is a legitimate thing to be upset about.  Does that make sense?  Mostly I don't blow things out of proportion anymore, and one little aggravation doesn't ruin my day.

I'm also just . . . I don't know.  At this time last year I was mentally a mess, I didn't own a car, and I was making $8 an hour working in retail.  Now, I'm mentally healthy, was just able to buy a car on my own, and I'm making almost double what I used to be plus working actual full time hours.  It amazes me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to have a full time job given my mental state.

So really, the best thing to say is that I've done well.  I've done as well as I could despite the fact that I got my heart broken and that I'm still heart broken right this very second.

At the end of the day, I still miss Ex-Fiance.  And I still love him.  And I would still really, really like the opportunity for a second chance.

I want him to know me like this.  I want him to see who I really am.  That girl that made him miserable . . . that wasn't me.  That's *not* me.  And I know that I'm at a point where I could be in a relationship and do it successfully, and I want it to be with him.  I still feel, very strongly, that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him.

So that's that.  Either way--with Ex-Fiance or without Ex-Fiance--I feel like I have a bright future and I'm glad to be alive and healthy.

I remember, just after the break up happened, I was in the back room at the Kingman Hastings with one of my co-workers.  We were talking, and I said something about how scared I was that things might not work out with Ex-Fiance in the end.  And my co-worker said, "So if that happens, then worst case scenario is you survive and come out of this knowing you can handle anything."  I honestly think it was the most useful thing anyone said to me at that point and I've carried it with me and repeated it to myself and now it feels more true than ever.

I'm looking forward to summer.  To my life.  To all the things I have yet to accomplish.

Lately

Like I said I haven't been much in a blogging mood lately but here's a general update.

Good Stuff:
--The car.  I love it.  It's awesome.  I need to post the whole story of how I ended up with it and some pictures soon.  It still doesn't have a name, though.
--I got insurance through work.  It's not super great insurance and has a high deductible but still, it's something.  And the thing about a deductible is that you get charged the insurance's allowed rates instead of the cash pay rate, so paying in full for my psych appointment last week meant paying half of what I usually pay.  So I'm not complaining.  (Although my name was misspelled on my insurance card, jerks).
--Physically I've been feeling a little better lately.  Still some days of low energy but overall better than before.
--Work is still going well.  I have my first evaluation tomorrow (my 90 day a little late) and that's nerve wracking but it also potentially means a raise, which would be nice.  Hopefully it goes well.
--Nice weather lately.  Not too warm but not cold (although my office is always freezing at work) and a nice breeze most of the time, plus some days of cloud cover.
--Max is doing really well.  He's gained a whole pound since we got him and he's almost 100% potty trained.  He's also just super cute and he gets protective of Benji.  It's adorable.
--I wrote an organizational plan for the apartment.  The lease is up at the end of July and I suggested we move to a 2 bedroom but Jerbs nixed that idea.  I told her that if we couldn't move, I wanted to do some deep cleaning/organizing here just to make it a little less cluttered and stuff.  I'm looking forward to doing that, even if Jerbs isn't.

Not Good Stuff
--I haven't been to the gym in like 3 weeks now.  I don't know why but I just . . . don't feel like it.  I can't even explain it, really, but it's frustrating.  I know the trick is to suck it up and just GO but for some reason I can't seem to do that.  I need to get back on track.  I'm hoping that having a car will help with that (ie knowing I'm not going to have to walk two miles in the process of getting home might make the idea of spending a half hour on the treadmill at lunch a little more appealing).  Plus with a car I can go to the gym on weekends, something I couldn't do before.
--Saturday it will have been one year to the day since Corey told me he didn't want to marry me, and I won't lie, I'm kind of a mess about that, for so many reasons.  I'm terrified of it, really, because this is the anniversary I've been dreading.  I honestly never believed we'd get to this point, yet here we are, and it's going to come and go and there's nothing I can do about it.  And Jerbs is out of town this weekend (doing PCC with the Flicks) so I'm all by myself and that doesn't really help.
--My boss announced that she'll more than likely be leaving in July and that's depressing, because I really like her.
--In general I have just felt kind of blah lately.  Like . . . I don't know.  Just really unmotivated, gym and otherwise.  I think I'm having trouble engaging right now, if that makes sense (which I'm pretty sure it doesn't but still).  I guess life right now feels really transitional; a lot of changes have happened since the beginning of the year and I feel like, in a way, I'm struggling to catch up.  Like the changes are happening faster than my mind can process them.  And even though they're good changes (for the most part), they're still scary.  And I definitely have a tendency to detach a little when I'm uncomfortable with changes.  But I'm working on it and I'm not worried.

That's about all I can think of for now.

Big News!

So I haven't been updating much lately, mostly because I just haven't really felt like it.  And there's a lot to update about, really, but for now, I thought I'd just share one big piece of news:

I BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!!

It's kind of a long story how it all came about but it really worked out perfectly, and I'm happy.  I'm anxious as hell about the whole thing but that's just me being me.

I bought it in Kingman on Saturday and it was delivered to my work today.

More later.  I'm expecting that tomorrow night I will be posting a long rant about how unfair the DWTS finale was but we'll see.

Mother's Day

I thought I'd take an opportunity--since it's Mother's Day and all--to say that I love my mom.

She's seriously an awesome lady.  We've always been close (minus this really nasty phase I went through when I was like 11), and I've always thought of her as a friend.  I think that when I was in college there was a lot of tension between us, but that's dissipated since I graduated and everything.  And sure we still have our differences but nothing huge.

I've said this before, but it always merits saying again: my mother is the most generous and giving and kind hearted person I have ever met in my life.  She goes out of her way to be nice, she bends over backwards for people, and she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  I remember, when we were kids, her constantly giving food to our friends' families (we grew up in a poor neighborhood) and to the food bank; everyone we knew knew they could come to her if they needed anything.  (This was one of the benefits of her extreme couponing).  Over the years she's even helped the people in her life who absolutely don't deserve it, because she's just got a big heart.

As a kid, I remember being a little put off by this.  The helping was nice but there were times when I thought she was being used and not standing up for herself, and that frustrated me.  But as an adult, looking back, I think her thought process was that when people were nasty to her, they still needed help; she was always willing to be the bigger person.  As an adult, I see the influence of these things at work in my life every day, and I'm so thankful for that.  There are so many selfish people in the world, who don't think they have any obligation to help, and I'm so glad I'm not one of them.  (Granted, they don't have an obligation to help but I feel like you should want to).  I don't think I'd be nearly as good a person without this influence.

She's also my Dancing With the Stars buddy, and I don't think I'd be as into that show if it weren't for her.  I know it would be a lot less interesting without someone to rehash it with every week!

Anyway, I love you, Mom!  Happy Mother's Day.

Weigh In # 5 (2013)

Today the scale said 187.4, which is up about 7 pounds from last time.  But my measurements haven't changed.  Sooooo . . . yeah.

This is all related to everything else I've been talking about this week.  Honestly, I don't think that weight is accurate; I think I must be retaining water or something.  I feel bloated, and given that my measurements are the same, I think that has to be it.

The problem has just been exhaustion.  I've been too tired to work out  . . . I seriously haven't been to the gym in almost two weeks, which is really frustrating.  Plus being so tired during the day has led to me drinking a lot more Dr. Pepper than I should be because I just need it to feel even remotely functional at the moment.  It sucks.

The good news is it's kind of getting better.  Today I felt like I had a little more energy during work . . . but then I fell asleep for a few hours as soon as I got home, which isn't what I wanted to do.  My energy felt a little better yesterday as well so hopefully, whatever this is is going away.

I definitely need to start fighting through this.  I'm determined to get back into exercising, even if it's only 20 minutes a day.

So that's it.  Hopefully June's weigh in will be better.