It's mid-March and I haven't posted a word to this space in 2017. So I figured I'd start with my annual year in review entry, even though it's 2.5 months overdue.
January
Since this was more than a year ago I'm struggling a little to remember. I know it was cold AF in Flagstaff and I know we got at least one MHC snow day, which was AWESOME. In January I also finally bit the bullet and bought plane tickets to Seattle! This month Jerbs and I started talking seriously about moving to the PNW. Also, the X Files returned for a little mini run of new episodes, which I was suuuuuper excited for, and which was ultimately very disappointing. I remember that Jenny got sick in January and got her first ever prescription medication, so . . . I guess that was a milestone for her. I also had a good review at work this month, even though I didn't get the raise I wanted.
February
I turned 31! My 31st birthday was pretty freaking great. I got to spend it with Jerbs and felt very loved by my family, friends, and co-workers, which is always nice. Plus I ate a Brewer's Platter, and any day that involves that is a good day. At work, I got a better raise and, as the hospital deal talk ramped up, I found that I would potentially get to keep my job when I moved. That was seriously one of the best things to happen to me last year, and I feel so fortunate to have MHC in my life. It was a leap year so we had a February 29th and sadly, I didn't have any yellow and blue clothing that fit to wear in honor of the day.
March
In March, the hospital board voted to officially go through with the deal with MHC, and I can't even describe the weight lifted off my shoulders when I really knew I wouldn't have to find a new job in WA. This month we celebrated Max and Hollie's adoption anniversaries--3 years and 2 years, respectively. My car hit 100,000 miles and we discovered Brandy's for brunch. I honestly don't remember much else happening that month . . . probably lots of just planning for the move and bitching about our next door neighbor. I do remember that at the end of the month, one of my former MHC co-workers, who's still very much a part of the MHC family, suffered a very terrible family loss that absolutely broke my heart.
April
Based on scrolling through my Facebook and the pictures on my phone, April was a pretty uneventful month. I worked out once or twice and took pictures of my pets and worked my two jobs. We had nice weather in Flagstaff though!
May
In May the hospital merge became official, and my work family grew a whoooole lot right at the beginning of the month. It was stressful, overwhelming, exhausting, and AMAZING. I am so unbelievably proud of my work family. Also in May I found out that my sorority chapter's charter at NAU was being pulled, effectively ending the existence of TBS at NAU. Theresa came to town and we went to an outgoing sisterhood ceremony, which was really a lovely experience that I'm grateful for. Also in May, Jerbs and I went to see Alton Brown's live show, which was really weird and random but also really, really awesome! (So awesome that we're going to see it again next week in Portland, ha). And of course, the big event in May was our trip to Seattle, which was both fun and terrible, because while Seattle was and is awesome, I was so effing sick the entire time. However, even though I wish I'd been well enough to enjoy it, I'm really glad we went.
June
The first thing I remember about June is the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando. I can't even begin to put into words the horror and heartbreak I felt seeing the news about that break. It is such a terrible, sickening thing, and that it was even possible for it to happen just . . . I don't know. I lost a lot of faith in humanity that day and I'd be lying if I said I was fine now. But the night after the shooting was the Tony awards, and the show of compassion and honoring the victims there was very moving. I also discovered Hamilton, the musical, and seriously listened to nothing else for the next 2 months.
July
July was a fun month. Jerbs and I spent a quiet Independence Day at home and watched the fireworks from our porch, as usual; it felt a little reflective because it was our last one in Flagstaff, and I thought about that a lot. Also in July, a bunch of TBS alumni came to town for a sisterhood ceremony/camp out deal, which meant I got to see Theresa and Jenna, plus some other sisters I hadn't seen for years. It was amazing to see everyone, and even though it was sad that it was because of the charter being pulled, I'm so, so, so glad it happened. I will be the first to admit that I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, so on the rare occasion I get to be social with old friends, it's wonderful. The weekend after the campout I went to Vegas with Theresa and her in laws and had a freaking BLAST. I seriously have such a great time with them, hands down one of the best weekends of the whole year. While we were there, one of Theresa and Jenna's good friends from SLC (who I met at their wedding and became fast friends with) was randomly there too, so we got to meet up and hang out with him. It was awesome and well worth the long drive.
August
We packed and moved stuff to storage and I realized that nothing was going to happen as planned with the move and more or less flipped out. My dad and Jillian came to visit as well, so that was nice. I had my last day at SHF. What I'll always remember most about August of 2016, though, was that a deep, horrible, and completely unexpected tragedy hit my MHC family right at its core. I cried for days while I tried to get things together for the move, I broke down to my mom over the phone, I leaned on my co-workers and let them lean on me. I still don't feel fully recovered from what happened. MHC still doesn't either. It's one of those things that causes an irreversible change: we're flourishing as a clinic but we'll never, ever be quite the same as we were before this happened. I will never forget parking my car, thinking about nothing other than how happy I was it was Friday and how my dad and sister would be there that afternoon, then being met before I even went inside by a co-worker so I could be given the bad news before I saw anybody else. Walking through the halls to my office that day, my co-workers just looked like how I felt: drained, shocked, pale. It was truly a haunting experience. For reasons, I'm not going into more detail than that. On the last day of August we moved out of our apartment. On the day we were moving out, Theresa called to let me know that something had happened and TBS' charter pull was not happening after all, and basically our sorority gets to continue existing as if nothing ever happened. I honestly still don't know exactly what went down, I know there was some kind of drama with the DOB and ADOB, but that's the extent of it. Still, I'm happy to know that Alpha Chi gets to go on.
September
This is the month Jerbs and I moved to Washington. I still don't want to talk about what a terrible experience that was so I'm not going to. Other than moving into our apartment, this was the month I started working from home, which is super weird but also really nice. Jerbs mostly job hunted this month, so I got to explore our new city by driving her to interviews and then finding nearby coffee places with free WiFi where I could work from my laptop. Oh, I bought a new laptop this month, which was very exciting! Also this month, Jerbs found out that her cousin (who she grew up with and is more like a sibling) was pregnant. The weather was crazy nice here so we did a little bit of outdoor exploring around town, mostly just walking the dogs at parks and stuff.
October
Jerbs found a job this month, which was a huge relief to us both! (Long, long story as to why she didn't have a job before we got here, but that's part of the whole moving related trauma so I'm not going to write about it). She's working in medical billing (woohoo!) doing basically what I used to do at MHC. I'm really proud of her, and she seemed to really like her job/co-workers right off the bat. One of our best friends from college had a beautiful baby girl last October, and we were both super thrilled about that! We're both SO excited to eventually meet her. This month we went to Portland to see Game Grumps Live, and that was AWESOME! We had SO much fun at the show! That same weekend we had a huge storm, so downtown Portland was basically a river (we most definitely walked through water that went over the top of my boots at one point . . . Jerbs was wearing cons so she was pretty unhappy). Regardless of how wet we got, it was totally worth it, and I've been a Grumps fan ever since.
November
What I remember most about November is the fucking election. Needless to say I was disappointed in the results, and I've been steadily more disappointed in what's going on. My sweet little nephew turned 8, which makes me feel suuuuper old. I experienced having to change the clocks for Daylight Savings Time for the first time, which was trippy. The first day after the change, it was so dark at 5 PM when I went to pick up Jerbs at work that I actually had to turn on my headlights, so that was weird. Jerbs and I spent Thanksgiving at home and this year we actually cooked our own turkey and sides instead of buying the precooked ones, I was proud of us and our dinner turned out really well! The best part of this Thanksgiving was that since Jerbs is now in a medical field that isn't urgent care, she had the same days off as me (Thurs., Fri., Sat., and Sun.) so we got a long weekend together. This month, after Thanksgiving, I pretty much stopped eating fast food and started cooking for myself!
December
We went to Jerbs' work Christmas party, which was fun. It was at a nice restaurant on a golf course and the food was really good. Jerbs got us an electric griddle through this little silent auction they do so that was cool, we've used it quite a bit since then. It is seriously GIGANTIC though, so it's hard to store. This month I cooked a lot and got more used to that. I also made us new Christmas stockings and a garland and stuff, our place looked super cute for the holidays. The worst part of this month was that we didn't get to go home for Christmas. I was really sad about that, because I've only ever spent one Christmas away from my family (when I was engaged and we spent Christmas with his family), and it was hard. So I know that I need to plan better for 2017 so I can be home for Christmas. We went to Seattle on Christmas Eve for Jerb's birthday; we went to Pike's market and a Harry Potter themed gingerbread house exhibit at a hotel in downtown Seattle (apparently the gingerbread houses are an annual thing, and there's a different theme each year, so we'll be going again in 2017). Then on Christmas day we made ham and stuff, and exchanged a few gifts, and mostly it was just another day. For NYE, we went to a ramen place in downtown Olympia that was really tasty, then came home and just watched a movie. It was very low key and uneventful.
And that's it. All in all . . . not really the best year, mostly a mediocre one with some shining moments. I'm hoping 2017 is leaps and bounds better, and I'm hoping to blog more going forward. I used to love this little space so much, and now it's so neglected!
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
3.20.2017
3.03.2016
Moving Related Conversations
Moving to the PNW seems to be the most talked about thing between Jerbs and me right now.
We talked about the possibility of leaving Flagstaff earlier than September. The point of staying until then was to reduce the amount I'd owe MHC for my coding class when I quit, and now that I'm not quitting, I don't have to worry about that. We talked about leaving at the end of June, which is when our lease is actually up and would make the most sense. But our trip to WA is at the end of May, and I feel like getting back and only having 30 days before we leave would just be a little too much stress. Plus it wouldn't be great financially, we need more time to save up. Then we talked about leaving at the end of July, and we had pretty much agreed that we were going to do that. Then Jerbs remembered that she's going to ComicCon at the end of July so we nixed that idea. I didn't want to have to do all the cleaning and packing mostly alone, and the turn around time of her getting back and us leaving like 3 days later felt like it would be too stressful. So the plan is still to leave at the end of August/beginning of September. I'm actually glad for that, just because it gives us plenty of time to save and get our ducks in a row, and I like the idea of leaving at the end of summer. I'm just weird like that.
I've also been banned, mostly by myself but also by Jerbs, from looking at apartments online for the month of March. I've been getting a little . . . carried away looking at apartments, trying to find somewhere we can live, and having massive anxiety attacks about not being able to find a nice place etc. etc. etc. It's getting to a bad point so I'm forcing myself to just stop for a month and take a step back from it. Jerbs has (rightfully) pointed out that the move is still far enough away that looking at apartment right now is pretty pointless, and that I'm not going to pick anywhere until I see places when we go to WA in May anyway. So that's that. (Full disclosure, I've already failed at my ban twice since I imposed it--yesterday and the day before. I've been good today, though!).
We talked about the possibility of leaving Flagstaff earlier than September. The point of staying until then was to reduce the amount I'd owe MHC for my coding class when I quit, and now that I'm not quitting, I don't have to worry about that. We talked about leaving at the end of June, which is when our lease is actually up and would make the most sense. But our trip to WA is at the end of May, and I feel like getting back and only having 30 days before we leave would just be a little too much stress. Plus it wouldn't be great financially, we need more time to save up. Then we talked about leaving at the end of July, and we had pretty much agreed that we were going to do that. Then Jerbs remembered that she's going to ComicCon at the end of July so we nixed that idea. I didn't want to have to do all the cleaning and packing mostly alone, and the turn around time of her getting back and us leaving like 3 days later felt like it would be too stressful. So the plan is still to leave at the end of August/beginning of September. I'm actually glad for that, just because it gives us plenty of time to save and get our ducks in a row, and I like the idea of leaving at the end of summer. I'm just weird like that.
I've also been banned, mostly by myself but also by Jerbs, from looking at apartments online for the month of March. I've been getting a little . . . carried away looking at apartments, trying to find somewhere we can live, and having massive anxiety attacks about not being able to find a nice place etc. etc. etc. It's getting to a bad point so I'm forcing myself to just stop for a month and take a step back from it. Jerbs has (rightfully) pointed out that the move is still far enough away that looking at apartment right now is pretty pointless, and that I'm not going to pick anywhere until I see places when we go to WA in May anyway. So that's that. (Full disclosure, I've already failed at my ban twice since I imposed it--yesterday and the day before. I've been good today, though!).
1.17.2016
Plane Tickets!!
Today I bought plane tickets to SEATTLE!!!
Jerbs and I are officially going there in May to explore and apartment hunt and I am so freaking excited I can't stand it!!
We've been kicking around a visit for a couple months now. We knew we needed to go, obviously, because we don't want to move somewhere we've actually never been, and I'm absolutely not willing to move into an apartment without seeing it first, but we'd had trouble choosing dates. Plus every time I'd find decently priced plane tickets I'd end up chickening out and not buying them.
I was getting frustrated with myself but I think it was all for the best, because today, just for the heck of it, I looked for plane tickets, and found some that were only around $85 each, roundtrip from Las Vegas to Seattle (this particular airline is launching its service between those cities in March, so if I hadn't waited I'd have never known about the cheap tickets). So I texted Jerbs to make sure the dates we'd pretty much decided on would really work, and I booked the flights! We fly out on May 24th and fly back on May 29th! I'm still in shock that I finally bit the bullet but oh my God I'm excited!!
In 129 days I'll be on a plane to Seattle. It feels so freaking amazing to finally be moving forward with this! I'm just . . . overwhelmed. And hoping that the next 4 months don't drag too terribly much.
Jerbs and I are officially going there in May to explore and apartment hunt and I am so freaking excited I can't stand it!!
We've been kicking around a visit for a couple months now. We knew we needed to go, obviously, because we don't want to move somewhere we've actually never been, and I'm absolutely not willing to move into an apartment without seeing it first, but we'd had trouble choosing dates. Plus every time I'd find decently priced plane tickets I'd end up chickening out and not buying them.
I was getting frustrated with myself but I think it was all for the best, because today, just for the heck of it, I looked for plane tickets, and found some that were only around $85 each, roundtrip from Las Vegas to Seattle (this particular airline is launching its service between those cities in March, so if I hadn't waited I'd have never known about the cheap tickets). So I texted Jerbs to make sure the dates we'd pretty much decided on would really work, and I booked the flights! We fly out on May 24th and fly back on May 29th! I'm still in shock that I finally bit the bullet but oh my God I'm excited!!
In 129 days I'll be on a plane to Seattle. It feels so freaking amazing to finally be moving forward with this! I'm just . . . overwhelmed. And hoping that the next 4 months don't drag too terribly much.
12.28.2015
Christmas 2015
Christmas was lovely this year.
I had to work on Christmas Eve (lame), but MHC closed at noon, so as soon as I was off, Jerbs and I loaded the car, made a quick caffeine/donut stop, and got on the road. All week we'd been hearing it was going to snow and we didn't want to get stuck in any kind of storm on the highway, so we were in a little bit of hurry, but we encountered exactly no snow on the trip. Once we got to Kingman we went to my mom's and visited with her and Jillian for a bit, then I took Jerbs to her house and said hello to/exchanged Christmas gifts with her parents. Then I headed over to my sister's house and convinced Austin to help me bring in all the Christmas gifts from my car, which was entertaining. One thing I want to remember--Austin got this Crayola art kit for Christmas (I think from his Elf on the Shelf?) and he had gotten it out to show me and he left it on the coffee table. My sister asked him why it was out, and he snapped at her, "I was showing it to Auntica, cuz me and Auntica like art!" It was so funny, and it makes me so happy that Austin associates me with art in his head.
This year we skipped our tradition of going out to look at Christmas lights again, which just helped prove my theory that our Christmases are far more peaceful when we don't spend any time squished in a car together. We all just hung out at my sister's and drank wine (well, my sister and I drank wine, and at one point, my mom accusingly asked Jenny, "Did you give your older sister wine??" and it just cracks me up that that's the dynamic of our family--the younger sister being the corrupter and the older sister being the nerd). We did our one gift on Christmas Eve thing, and Austin gave everyone the gifts he got them at the Secret Santa gift shop at his school, and he apparently forgot about me and didn't get me something (thanks, Saucy). It was pretty funny when he realized it, and in typical Austin fashion, he didn't feel bad, he just got a little sheepish and then cracked up. (I honestly don't care one bit that he forgot, for the record).
After we hung out for awhile, my mom and Jill left and I took my dad home, then went and got dinner for Jenny, me, and Austin. We had In-N-Out, which was awesome. Austin kept asking if he could open this one gift I got him because he knew it was a book (I always get him a book) and he really wanted to know what it was, so we let him. The book is 1,000 Jokes for Kids, and as soon as he read the title, he opened it up and said, "OK, guys, joke number one," and my sister just looked at me and was like good job, here we go. It was freaking hilarious, probably in a you had to be there way, but man we cracked up. I'm seriously impressed at how well Austin is reading, and I'm glad he liked his book. He really did tell us jokes all night, too. Eventually we decided to go look at some Christmas lights; up by my mom's old house there's a wealthy/well known family who always decorates their house really extravagantly for Christmas, and this year they synchronized the light show to music (Wizards in Winter by TSO and that one Christmas song that Alvin and the Chipmunks sing) so we went to see it. It actually was pretty impressive. Someone was flying a drone over the lights and Austin thought it was Santa and had a little meltdown about getting home and going to bed haha. But my sister and I got nostalgic and remembered how when we were kids, the lights on the courthouse downtown would spell out the word "NOEL" across the columns on the building (4 columns, one letter on each column), and we decided to drive down there and see if they still do that. And sadly, they don't, there's just a swirly thing of lights on each column now, which was more disappointing than you'd think. But it was still a nice moment with my sister and I'm glad for that.
By then Austin was asleep in the back seat so we headed home and put him to bed, then put out all of his Santa gifts and did the whole milk and cookies thing. I wrote his Santa letter and then I headed to a motel.
So yeah, this year I decided that instead of staying with my sister, I wanted to stay in a motel by myself. I love my sister, and I love Austin, but as a Christmas gift to myself, I wanted a night completely alone (no pets, no roommate, no noise) in a big bed all by myself. I explained that all to Austin and he was pretty whatever about it, so I didn't feel too bad. And it was so worth it, I legit slept for like 12 hours. (Minus the part where I woke up at 5 AM to cramps and my period starting out of NOWHERE. I had no tampons or ibuprofen with me so I had to get dressed (ish, I really just threw on a shirt and pants and put my hair in a pony tail) and run to the gas station up the street. That was freaking lovely. But the older guy who checked me out still wished me a Merry Christmas!) I went back to bed when I got back to my room but I'd rather not have had to deal with that unpleasantness.
Christmas day I went to my sister's and Austin showed me all the stuff he got from Santa. My sister made buffalo chicken dip which I freaking LOVE, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out, eating that, watching Austin play with all his new stuff, and watching cheesy Christmas romance movies on the Hallmark channel. Which is super corny, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year! I went and picked my dad up for dinner, my mom and Jill came over, and we opened presents. I seriously got spoiled this year. After presents we had dinner, and then I decided to stay another night in Kingman instead of going home on Christmas. (Jerbs and I have had to come back on Christmas the past few years because one of us is usually working the day after, which happily wasn't the case this year). That night I crashed at my sister's.
The day after Christmas we headed back to Flag, fully expecting snow on the ground when we got here, and there WASN'T ANY, which was actually kind of disappointing after hearing that we'd get snow for almost a whole week before.
Today I was off from work (I electively took it off, which I forgot about until like a week ago, and only remembered because a co-worker said something about it), so I drove down to Sedona and spent the afternoon with Jenna and Theresa. They've been spending some holiday time in Phoenix with Theresa's family so they drove up. It was fantastic, I love Sedona and we went to some great Sedona places, like the fudge shop and the cool candle store. (I'm sure those businesses actually have names but I have no idea what they are). It was so nice to see them, and I'm really glad we got to spend some time together. It sucks having a BFF that lives so far away.
Anyway, I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'm excited for the New Year later this week!
I had to work on Christmas Eve (lame), but MHC closed at noon, so as soon as I was off, Jerbs and I loaded the car, made a quick caffeine/donut stop, and got on the road. All week we'd been hearing it was going to snow and we didn't want to get stuck in any kind of storm on the highway, so we were in a little bit of hurry, but we encountered exactly no snow on the trip. Once we got to Kingman we went to my mom's and visited with her and Jillian for a bit, then I took Jerbs to her house and said hello to/exchanged Christmas gifts with her parents. Then I headed over to my sister's house and convinced Austin to help me bring in all the Christmas gifts from my car, which was entertaining. One thing I want to remember--Austin got this Crayola art kit for Christmas (I think from his Elf on the Shelf?) and he had gotten it out to show me and he left it on the coffee table. My sister asked him why it was out, and he snapped at her, "I was showing it to Auntica, cuz me and Auntica like art!" It was so funny, and it makes me so happy that Austin associates me with art in his head.
This year we skipped our tradition of going out to look at Christmas lights again, which just helped prove my theory that our Christmases are far more peaceful when we don't spend any time squished in a car together. We all just hung out at my sister's and drank wine (well, my sister and I drank wine, and at one point, my mom accusingly asked Jenny, "Did you give your older sister wine??" and it just cracks me up that that's the dynamic of our family--the younger sister being the corrupter and the older sister being the nerd). We did our one gift on Christmas Eve thing, and Austin gave everyone the gifts he got them at the Secret Santa gift shop at his school, and he apparently forgot about me and didn't get me something (thanks, Saucy). It was pretty funny when he realized it, and in typical Austin fashion, he didn't feel bad, he just got a little sheepish and then cracked up. (I honestly don't care one bit that he forgot, for the record).
After we hung out for awhile, my mom and Jill left and I took my dad home, then went and got dinner for Jenny, me, and Austin. We had In-N-Out, which was awesome. Austin kept asking if he could open this one gift I got him because he knew it was a book (I always get him a book) and he really wanted to know what it was, so we let him. The book is 1,000 Jokes for Kids, and as soon as he read the title, he opened it up and said, "OK, guys, joke number one," and my sister just looked at me and was like good job, here we go. It was freaking hilarious, probably in a you had to be there way, but man we cracked up. I'm seriously impressed at how well Austin is reading, and I'm glad he liked his book. He really did tell us jokes all night, too. Eventually we decided to go look at some Christmas lights; up by my mom's old house there's a wealthy/well known family who always decorates their house really extravagantly for Christmas, and this year they synchronized the light show to music (Wizards in Winter by TSO and that one Christmas song that Alvin and the Chipmunks sing) so we went to see it. It actually was pretty impressive. Someone was flying a drone over the lights and Austin thought it was Santa and had a little meltdown about getting home and going to bed haha. But my sister and I got nostalgic and remembered how when we were kids, the lights on the courthouse downtown would spell out the word "NOEL" across the columns on the building (4 columns, one letter on each column), and we decided to drive down there and see if they still do that. And sadly, they don't, there's just a swirly thing of lights on each column now, which was more disappointing than you'd think. But it was still a nice moment with my sister and I'm glad for that.
By then Austin was asleep in the back seat so we headed home and put him to bed, then put out all of his Santa gifts and did the whole milk and cookies thing. I wrote his Santa letter and then I headed to a motel.
So yeah, this year I decided that instead of staying with my sister, I wanted to stay in a motel by myself. I love my sister, and I love Austin, but as a Christmas gift to myself, I wanted a night completely alone (no pets, no roommate, no noise) in a big bed all by myself. I explained that all to Austin and he was pretty whatever about it, so I didn't feel too bad. And it was so worth it, I legit slept for like 12 hours. (Minus the part where I woke up at 5 AM to cramps and my period starting out of NOWHERE. I had no tampons or ibuprofen with me so I had to get dressed (ish, I really just threw on a shirt and pants and put my hair in a pony tail) and run to the gas station up the street. That was freaking lovely. But the older guy who checked me out still wished me a Merry Christmas!) I went back to bed when I got back to my room but I'd rather not have had to deal with that unpleasantness.
Christmas day I went to my sister's and Austin showed me all the stuff he got from Santa. My sister made buffalo chicken dip which I freaking LOVE, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out, eating that, watching Austin play with all his new stuff, and watching cheesy Christmas romance movies on the Hallmark channel. Which is super corny, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year! I went and picked my dad up for dinner, my mom and Jill came over, and we opened presents. I seriously got spoiled this year. After presents we had dinner, and then I decided to stay another night in Kingman instead of going home on Christmas. (Jerbs and I have had to come back on Christmas the past few years because one of us is usually working the day after, which happily wasn't the case this year). That night I crashed at my sister's.
The day after Christmas we headed back to Flag, fully expecting snow on the ground when we got here, and there WASN'T ANY, which was actually kind of disappointing after hearing that we'd get snow for almost a whole week before.
Today I was off from work (I electively took it off, which I forgot about until like a week ago, and only remembered because a co-worker said something about it), so I drove down to Sedona and spent the afternoon with Jenna and Theresa. They've been spending some holiday time in Phoenix with Theresa's family so they drove up. It was fantastic, I love Sedona and we went to some great Sedona places, like the fudge shop and the cool candle store. (I'm sure those businesses actually have names but I have no idea what they are). It was so nice to see them, and I'm really glad we got to spend some time together. It sucks having a BFF that lives so far away.
Anyway, I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'm excited for the New Year later this week!
8.30.2015
And So It Goes
I feel like my life goes like this: nothing going on nothing going on nothing going on FIFTY THINGS GOING ON AT ONCE.
Right now I just feel a little overwhelmed.
MHC--Is busier than ever. I have more job duties than ever, which is fine, but I'm honestly feeling a little . . . burnt out, I guess. It's just getting a little monotonous, same thing day after day after day, to the point that some days I just genuinely don't want to be there. A couple of co-workers are just on my last nerve too and that's frustrating. Not for any new reasons either, just the same issues over and over and over again that no one seems to want to address and fix. I mean, overall I'm still really happy at my job, I think it's just some burn out.
SHAF--Is still behind, and I have zero desire to get it caught up. I'm going to, but it takes a lot of effort on my part. We just get busier and busier there, and between my full time job and the non-work stuff I have going on, I just don't have the time I should to do my second job. I like working there and the money helps so much, but I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do it. And Theresa's wedding is at the beginning of October, and I'm pretty much going to be in SLC the whole first week of the month, which is during SHAF's billing cycle, and I don't even know how to tell my boss that. She's not going to be happy. Honestly, if it came down to it, I'd just quit. I mean, I'm already thinking about it anyway, and if it came down to choosing between that job and the wedding, believe me, there is no contest. But we'll see.
CPC Course--I'm actually finished with all the chapter work for the course, which is awesome. I just have to take the final now. I actually already took it once, last night, and got a 69% . . . and you need a 70% to pass the class. Missed it by a freaking point! Fortunately you get two tries, so now I have to re-take it. I just have to be finished before September first, so I don't have to pay the extension fee (you have 6 months to take the class, and my 6 months are up at the end of August). And yes, I realize that September first is the day after tomorrow at this point. Once the class is finished I take the actual certification test, and that's on September 26th. I need to pass with a 70% to get my certification, and I'm really really really really really hoping to do it on the first try. The test is actually an in person proctored exam, so that'll be fun.
Aside from that . . . I finally got my oil changed Friday after going a shameful amount of miles without one. My check engine light came on on Thursday and as soon as it did I realized I hadn't changed my oil in over a year. (Good job, adult Ica). The light went off as soon as the oil was changed, so now I'm just kinda praying that my engine continues to run correctly.
Dogs, cats, and Jerbs are all fine and dandy.
I'm going to SLC next weekend for Theresa and Jenna's joint bridal shower, and I'm SO excited about it!
Right now I just feel a little overwhelmed.
MHC--Is busier than ever. I have more job duties than ever, which is fine, but I'm honestly feeling a little . . . burnt out, I guess. It's just getting a little monotonous, same thing day after day after day, to the point that some days I just genuinely don't want to be there. A couple of co-workers are just on my last nerve too and that's frustrating. Not for any new reasons either, just the same issues over and over and over again that no one seems to want to address and fix. I mean, overall I'm still really happy at my job, I think it's just some burn out.
SHAF--Is still behind, and I have zero desire to get it caught up. I'm going to, but it takes a lot of effort on my part. We just get busier and busier there, and between my full time job and the non-work stuff I have going on, I just don't have the time I should to do my second job. I like working there and the money helps so much, but I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do it. And Theresa's wedding is at the beginning of October, and I'm pretty much going to be in SLC the whole first week of the month, which is during SHAF's billing cycle, and I don't even know how to tell my boss that. She's not going to be happy. Honestly, if it came down to it, I'd just quit. I mean, I'm already thinking about it anyway, and if it came down to choosing between that job and the wedding, believe me, there is no contest. But we'll see.
CPC Course--I'm actually finished with all the chapter work for the course, which is awesome. I just have to take the final now. I actually already took it once, last night, and got a 69% . . . and you need a 70% to pass the class. Missed it by a freaking point! Fortunately you get two tries, so now I have to re-take it. I just have to be finished before September first, so I don't have to pay the extension fee (you have 6 months to take the class, and my 6 months are up at the end of August). And yes, I realize that September first is the day after tomorrow at this point. Once the class is finished I take the actual certification test, and that's on September 26th. I need to pass with a 70% to get my certification, and I'm really really really really really hoping to do it on the first try. The test is actually an in person proctored exam, so that'll be fun.
Aside from that . . . I finally got my oil changed Friday after going a shameful amount of miles without one. My check engine light came on on Thursday and as soon as it did I realized I hadn't changed my oil in over a year. (Good job, adult Ica). The light went off as soon as the oil was changed, so now I'm just kinda praying that my engine continues to run correctly.
Dogs, cats, and Jerbs are all fine and dandy.
I'm going to SLC next weekend for Theresa and Jenna's joint bridal shower, and I'm SO excited about it!
5.26.2015
Three Years
Yesterday was the third anniversary of the break up. I know we're kind of at a point where it's weird that I remember it but: A) it was kind of a major event so of course it sticks in my head, and B) I have a tendency to remember dates anyway, and this is definitely not the weirdest one I remember. Plus the day of the break up was also Ex-Fiance's last day of school, so we were actually counting down to it anyway back then.
Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been. The change never ceases to amaze me. I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months. Survive the next 6 months and go from there." (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together). Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal. It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you. There really are no words.
The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life. I've changed more than I ever thought possible. I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you. I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory. I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function. To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw). I never expected to thrive.
But I am thriving. I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in. I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me. And I've got a whole other job on top of that one! I'm financially stable and independent. I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next. I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be. (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).
I'm not perfect. There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with. I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas. And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits. Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends. It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states. And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult. Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups. (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).
One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened. A lot of it is small things. Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff. And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health. Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him. So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it. Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling. It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do. I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.
It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later. It's not a consistent feeling. Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him. Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.
I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it. To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go. I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore. I am angry that he never came back. More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then. I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.
I wonder, all the time, about that. I have for three years now. I wonder what it would be like to be around another now. If we'd still get along. If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back. I wonder about him, too, sometimes. About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective. Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.
I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go. That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon. I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up. I wish so much that I had done things differently back then. I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away. I'm OK with that. Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.
I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him. I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned. If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen. As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am. I'm not sorry for it.
But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life. I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life. I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.
So that's that, I suppose. Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me. I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not. And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing. I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that. I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!
Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been. The change never ceases to amaze me. I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months. Survive the next 6 months and go from there." (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together). Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal. It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you. There really are no words.
The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life. I've changed more than I ever thought possible. I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you. I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory. I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function. To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw). I never expected to thrive.
But I am thriving. I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in. I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me. And I've got a whole other job on top of that one! I'm financially stable and independent. I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next. I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be. (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).
I'm not perfect. There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with. I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas. And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits. Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends. It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states. And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult. Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups. (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).
One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened. A lot of it is small things. Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff. And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health. Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him. So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it. Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling. It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do. I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.
It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later. It's not a consistent feeling. Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him. Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.
I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it. To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go. I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore. I am angry that he never came back. More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then. I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.
I wonder, all the time, about that. I have for three years now. I wonder what it would be like to be around another now. If we'd still get along. If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back. I wonder about him, too, sometimes. About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective. Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.
I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go. That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon. I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up. I wish so much that I had done things differently back then. I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away. I'm OK with that. Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.
I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him. I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned. If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen. As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am. I'm not sorry for it.
But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life. I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life. I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.
So that's that, I suppose. Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me. I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not. And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing. I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that. I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!
4.30.2015
Let's Talk About April
April was pretty quiet (as most months tend to be lately).
Jerbs had a couple weekends off, so we got to hang out. It was nice but a little weird, I love Jerbs and all but I guess I like my weekend alone time a little more than I realized.
The weather was pretty nice, minus a few random cold snaps. We actually took the dogs to the pond one day, only to find a huge sign informing the public that the pond is now considered private property and only to be used by members of the country club, complete with a little "be prepared to show your membership card if asked" warning. It was disappointing and absolutely infuriating. I don't want to write too much about it because I've actually finally gotten over it. But I will say that A) It's total BS because I'm pretty sure it was tax money, NOT private money, that built that pond, and B) the way this city caters and only cares about the wealthy and the college kids makes me sick, and is one of the many reasons Jerbs and I want to leave.
Also in April, Jerbs found out that the company she started working for in March (a locally owned urgent care) is not going to be locally owned for much longer, because the (apparently much greedier than originally thought) owners decided to sell the business to a national urgent care chain company. They're still kind of in transition, and will be until mid-summerish. No one over there is happy about it, and Jerbs is, of course, disappointed. She worked for so long to get out of Staples and finally did and finally had a job she liked, and it's more or less been yanked out from under her. So far, the new company says they won't make any major changes, but I don't really trust that. They've also essentially made everyone go through the hiring process again. Jerbs had to cut a trip to Phoenix short to go in and meet with the new HR people, and the deal was pretty much get your ass here or you're fired. That was really, really frustrating (and probably illegal, since it was a scheduled day off, and the HR meeting was NOT scheduled). At this point, I think her plan is to see through the transition, see what working for the new company is like, and then go from there as far as whether or not she stays. I'm hoping it works out for the best because I just want her to be happy; I'm still super angry on her behalf though. I'm also angry at yet ANOTHER locally owned place selling out to a chain. Again, this seems to be part of the trend to just make Flagstaff another Phoenix, and I'm very not OK with that.
But enough of that.
One happy thing from this month has been that they finally hired someone to take on DME full time at MHC, which is a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders. The new girl (who's actually a re-hire and not totally new to the company) started on the 20th. I seriously counted down the days between when I found out and when she started. I was just THAT excited. So for the past week, I've been doing a lot of training at work, which I both like and dislike. I won't lie, it's been kind of a painful process, and there have definitely been some moments where I've found myself thinking that it's not going to work out. I just keep telling myself not to be too irritated, that she's only been learning it for a few days whereas I did it for a year so . . . of course it all looks super easy to me. Hopefully it works out. I just don't want to have to take DME back in 6 months.
I also found out this month that my dad's going to be moving (fairly soon? not totally sure). I guess his landlady (who's a long time family friend and also kind of his girlfriend, I don't really know what goes on there) is selling her house/property, which includes the little house my dad rents from her. I won't lie, hearing that kind of freaked me out. Some if is just worrying about my dad (although he did, very reassuringly, say to me, "Don fucking worry, Jessica, I have a plan."). Some of it is just being sad at losing a place from my childhood. This house is probably where I spent the most time as a kid, aside from the house I grew up in and my grandparents' house, and I think it's really the last significant place left, at least in my old neighborhood. I kind of feel like my childhood is slowly being chipped away, and I hate that. I want those memories and that time in my life to be a foundation for who I am as an adult, and losing that kind of sucks.
So that was April. Tomorrow I'm leaving for a weekend in Las Vegas with Theresa, her fiance, and her fiance's family. We're going shopping for bridesmaid's dresses plus just, y'know, hanging out in Vegas. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!
4.29.2015
Let's Talk About March
So March.
Jerbs started her new job right at the beginning of the month, and it was awesome. I drive her to work at the crack of dawn (because the buses don't run as early as she has to be there). That's been an interesting experience, but I really don't mind. I've worked at they gym, I've gone into work at MHC early and gotten some extra hours, I've eaten breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (love it, btw), I've studied for my coding class, stuff like that. One morning I even went to the gym and worked out before work, which was not as earth shatteringly awful as I'd been expecting. But full disclosure, I haven't done it a second time. It's really just not for me, and I prefer working out after work.
Jerbs loves her new job, though. It's definitely a huge improvement from Staples. Pretty much right away Jerbs seemed happier, and less stressed than she had been for a long time, and seeing her happy makes me happy. She's got a really nice schedule there plus more hours than she was getting at Staples. Plus guaranteed overtime, which is awesome.
In the middle of the month I got a storage unit and my dad brought up all my stuff. As in, all of the things I had to leave in Kingman when I moved back to Flagstaff almost 3 years ago, which is most of what I own. For 6 months or so after I left, all of it was in the garage at my old place (where Ex-Fiance was still living); at some point my dad went and got all of it, and it had been in his garage ever since. We had talked about him bringing it up before but never got anywhere, but my dad apparently might be moving, so it was a necessity. It was weird to see all my stuff, because I honestly hadn't looked at it since the move. It was both comforting and somehow not comforting at the same time. Everything was just as I'd packed it, but there is an extra box, labeled in Ex-Fiance's handwriting. I couldn't bring myself to open it and see what was inside, because, even nearly 3 years after the fact, the mental image of him walking through our house and packing up the things that reminded him of me just hurts. That's not something I'm quite ready to face. (More on that whole issue later, probably).
Also in March, things got BAD at MHC. I don't even really know exactly what happened, but it was basically just one disaster after another, pretty much all related to one area of my job (DME). I was angry, frustrated, discouraged, and beyond stressed. For the first time since I started there more than 2 years ago, I hated my job. I dreaded going to work and was literally having anxiety attacks about it. It was terrible. I told my boss that it was time for DME to go to someone else, but that wasn't an option, so instead I got approved overtime. Which did help. But still, I was at a point where I probably would have quit had it not been for the coding class thing (ie if I leave now I owe the company the whole cost of that class). Things are better now, but I was suffering for a couple weeks there.
Jerbs and I really started to focus on moving in March as well--or at least, getting ready to move. There are these 2 bed 1.5 bath 2 story townhomes across the street from us, managed by the same company as our current complex. They looked reasonably priced online, so we decided to check them out. (In the 2 days between when we looked at the website and when we toured the place, though, the base rent went up by $80, just putting that out there). I honestly wasn't impressed with the place. It wasn't terrible, but it felt TINY, I think because of the layout. And both the bedrooms were super, super small, like small enough that I wouldn't actually have been able to fit all my stuff in mine.
But we forged ahead, did the application online, paid the app fee and reservation fee, got approved, the whole nine. Then we saw the actual rent breakdown and it was just too expensive. I mean, we probably could have swung the rent, but that would have made it really tight, and I don't want to live like that. So between the stupidly high rent, the not too impressive apartment, the fact that we're only planning to be in Flagstaff another year, and the less than awesome thought of actually moving all our shit, we decided to just stay. Ultimately we decided it would be better to suck it up, stay where we are, and save for the big out of state move we'd like to make happen next year.
And that's the story of how we really and truly almost moved and then decided not to. I know, it's a little anti climactic.
So Jerbs signed the lease for another year here. And while she was in the office doing it, the property manager asked if we'd had any more issues with our neighbor. Jerbs said that things had been quiet on that front. The manager proceeded to tell Jerbs that she'd had a long talk with the neighbor and she'd been warned about her behavior (ie she was told to stop being an overdramatic bitch), and that we needed to let her know if absolutely ANYTHING else happened. Again, we get the vibe that they want her gone as much as we do. The property manager also told Jerbs that she's been an excellent tenant in the whole time she's/we've lived here. It's good to know the complex is on our side and knows the neighbor is the one with issues. Right now we're just hoping she gets kicked out sooner rather than later.
And that's about it for March. Definitely not a great month, but free of any major disasters, and sometimes that's the best you can hope for, right?
Jerbs started her new job right at the beginning of the month, and it was awesome. I drive her to work at the crack of dawn (because the buses don't run as early as she has to be there). That's been an interesting experience, but I really don't mind. I've worked at they gym, I've gone into work at MHC early and gotten some extra hours, I've eaten breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (love it, btw), I've studied for my coding class, stuff like that. One morning I even went to the gym and worked out before work, which was not as earth shatteringly awful as I'd been expecting. But full disclosure, I haven't done it a second time. It's really just not for me, and I prefer working out after work.
Jerbs loves her new job, though. It's definitely a huge improvement from Staples. Pretty much right away Jerbs seemed happier, and less stressed than she had been for a long time, and seeing her happy makes me happy. She's got a really nice schedule there plus more hours than she was getting at Staples. Plus guaranteed overtime, which is awesome.
In the middle of the month I got a storage unit and my dad brought up all my stuff. As in, all of the things I had to leave in Kingman when I moved back to Flagstaff almost 3 years ago, which is most of what I own. For 6 months or so after I left, all of it was in the garage at my old place (where Ex-Fiance was still living); at some point my dad went and got all of it, and it had been in his garage ever since. We had talked about him bringing it up before but never got anywhere, but my dad apparently might be moving, so it was a necessity. It was weird to see all my stuff, because I honestly hadn't looked at it since the move. It was both comforting and somehow not comforting at the same time. Everything was just as I'd packed it, but there is an extra box, labeled in Ex-Fiance's handwriting. I couldn't bring myself to open it and see what was inside, because, even nearly 3 years after the fact, the mental image of him walking through our house and packing up the things that reminded him of me just hurts. That's not something I'm quite ready to face. (More on that whole issue later, probably).
Also in March, things got BAD at MHC. I don't even really know exactly what happened, but it was basically just one disaster after another, pretty much all related to one area of my job (DME). I was angry, frustrated, discouraged, and beyond stressed. For the first time since I started there more than 2 years ago, I hated my job. I dreaded going to work and was literally having anxiety attacks about it. It was terrible. I told my boss that it was time for DME to go to someone else, but that wasn't an option, so instead I got approved overtime. Which did help. But still, I was at a point where I probably would have quit had it not been for the coding class thing (ie if I leave now I owe the company the whole cost of that class). Things are better now, but I was suffering for a couple weeks there.
Jerbs and I really started to focus on moving in March as well--or at least, getting ready to move. There are these 2 bed 1.5 bath 2 story townhomes across the street from us, managed by the same company as our current complex. They looked reasonably priced online, so we decided to check them out. (In the 2 days between when we looked at the website and when we toured the place, though, the base rent went up by $80, just putting that out there). I honestly wasn't impressed with the place. It wasn't terrible, but it felt TINY, I think because of the layout. And both the bedrooms were super, super small, like small enough that I wouldn't actually have been able to fit all my stuff in mine.
But we forged ahead, did the application online, paid the app fee and reservation fee, got approved, the whole nine. Then we saw the actual rent breakdown and it was just too expensive. I mean, we probably could have swung the rent, but that would have made it really tight, and I don't want to live like that. So between the stupidly high rent, the not too impressive apartment, the fact that we're only planning to be in Flagstaff another year, and the less than awesome thought of actually moving all our shit, we decided to just stay. Ultimately we decided it would be better to suck it up, stay where we are, and save for the big out of state move we'd like to make happen next year.
And that's the story of how we really and truly almost moved and then decided not to. I know, it's a little anti climactic.
So Jerbs signed the lease for another year here. And while she was in the office doing it, the property manager asked if we'd had any more issues with our neighbor. Jerbs said that things had been quiet on that front. The manager proceeded to tell Jerbs that she'd had a long talk with the neighbor and she'd been warned about her behavior (ie she was told to stop being an overdramatic bitch), and that we needed to let her know if absolutely ANYTHING else happened. Again, we get the vibe that they want her gone as much as we do. The property manager also told Jerbs that she's been an excellent tenant in the whole time she's/we've lived here. It's good to know the complex is on our side and knows the neighbor is the one with issues. Right now we're just hoping she gets kicked out sooner rather than later.
And that's about it for March. Definitely not a great month, but free of any major disasters, and sometimes that's the best you can hope for, right?
4.28.2015
Let's Talk About February
My blogging skills are horrible these days! I feel bad neglecting this little space, but . . . well, I honestly just haven't really felt like blogging. That's said, it's the end of April, so let's talk about February! (Fair warning, it's a LONG entry).
February was a total roller coaster of a month--some really good things happened, and so did some really crappy things.
At the beginning of the month (the 6th, I think), I had my review at work (MHC), and absolutely killed it. My boss pretty much told me I'm awesome, she's always impressed with me, and that she looks forward to seeing what I accomplish in my next year with the company. Pretty high praise from my boss, because she doesn't say things like that lightly. I was incredibly flattered/proud/happy. Of course I got a raise (a good one). Plus I got to enroll in the online CPC class just after my review, which is awesome! I won't lie, the class is a little harder than I was expecting, but I'm glad I'm doing it. I just keep thinking of being able to almost double my salary once I have my certification, which is a pretty decent incentive.
Not long after I had my review and all that, Jerbs got a new job!! She's working at an urgent care now, doing front desk stuff, and she loves it. She interviewed/got the job on the 13th, and gave Staples her two week notice on Valentine's Day, and her last day there was the 28th. I'm so unbelievably happy for her! She wanted to leave Staples for SO LONG and she finally got to! It's been a really good change for her. It was a little weird to pick her up at Staples for the last time, though. I mean . . . she worked there for 7 years, and that time frame covers all kinds of major life events: us dating, our breakup, our first move to the east side, the entire whirlwind of me and Ex-Fiance, me coming back to Flagstaff . . . that's a lot! I got a little weepy, but she was mostly like, "Fuck it! I'm done! Woohoo!!" It's been good to see her so happy.
At the end of February (like the 22nd, I think), I went to an Eric Paslay concert. He's kind of an up and coming country singer, and I really, really like him, and the tickets were only $25, so I figured why the hell not? He performed at the Museum Club, which is this honky tonk bar in town (it's actually pretty well known throughout AZ, but I'd never been there). I took my friend from work, Katie, and bought her ticket as a graduation gift, since she's in her last semester at NAU. It was so much fun!! And I was really proud of myself for, y'know, having a little bit of a social life and going out with someone who isn't Jerbs.
As for the bad . . .
Not surprisingly, it has to do with Stompy McFatAss, the wretch next door.
So February 9th (day before my effing birthday, mind you), I treated myself to Pita Jungle for dinner, and picked it up on my way home from work. Also keep in mind that at this point, we hadn't heard anything from Stompy since that night in January when her apartment flooded and she had Jerbs call 911. Also keep in mind that she hadn't complained about the dogs since June of 2014--so 9 months of relative peace had passed. When I got home on the 9th, the dogs weren't barking, but when I got upstairs, there was a fucking noise warning on the door from the cops, AND a handwritten "anonymous" note from Stompy herself, saying that our dogs have been an issue for 2 years and that we had 48 hours to bark collar them or she was going to play the recordings she (supposedly) has of them "excessively barking."
Couple of things. First of all, Stompy hasn't even lived here for 2 years, she moved in over 4th of July weekend in 2013, so she's about 5 months off on her time frame there. Two, our dogs ARE collared whenever we're not at home, and if the batter in Max's died, I'm sorry. But shit happens, and to go 9 months without a word and then have it escalate like that . . . fuck. Three, I do not believe for even one nano second that this bitch has a recording of our dogs barking, and definitely not of them barking excessively. Even if she DOES have a recording of our dogs, it's a moot point, because, fucking newsflash, if you stand on my porch by my living room window for 20 minutes to record shit, my dogs are going to bark at you! They're dogs, you're trespassing, you're a threat, and that's just the way the damn world works. I was more livid than you can imagine, and it wasn't long before that lividness gave way to a total breakdown. I got anxious, convinced myself I was a worthless piece of shit, and bawled. I called Jerbs at work and told her what happened. At that point she called our complex and left a message asking about transferring our lease to somewhere else in the complex, because we were tired of our neighbor's shit. After Jerbs got home, we talked it over and decided we needed to move--right away if they'd let us, at the end of our lease if they wouldn't.
That all went down on a Monday. For the rest of the week, I refused to leave the dogs home alone, even with their collars. I took early lunches, drove home to pick Jerbs and the dogs up, took Jerbs to work, and let the dogs hang out in the car for the rest of the day. On Tuesday (again, my freaking birthday), I got off work, promptly had an anxiety attack, and realized that I didn't want to be home alone either. So I wandered around Bookman's, JoAnn, and Michael's, then sat in their shared parking lot until Jerbs was off at 8. Definitely not the best birthday I've ever had, and I'm still pretty pissed that the bitch ruined my 18th birthday.
It was a shitty week. I hated it, the dogs hated it, Jerbs hated it, everyone was miserable. On Thursday, Jerbs finally heard back from the complex. She said that at first, the manager was very customer service-y and chipper, told her that they don't usually do transfers without the lease being up, and asked which neighbor the issue was with to see if we could work something out. Apparently, when Jerbs gave the apartment #, the manager's tone completely changed, and she was pretty much like OH, that bitch. Apparently, we are far from the only ones who have complained about her, and she's an ongoing issue for the office. The manager was actually pretty incredulous that she complained about the dogs, and flat out told Jerbs that no other neighbors have ever said a bad thing about us. (Because, AGAIN, it's not a fucking issue)! She also said that she came up here once to talk to the neighbor about something else, and she heard our dog bark like twice ("to let me know he was there," as she put it), then stop. So she was basically like, yeah, sorry your neighbor's so nuts.
She said she'd see what she could do, and ultimately the answer was that we couldn't move right away, but they'd talk to the neighbor. So while the no transfer was irritating, it was a tremendous relief to know that the office/complex management is on our side and aware that this bitch is totally insane. In the meantime, Jerbs and I decided we'd just move when our lease was up and try to get a 2 bedroom (more on that later).
Since all this happened, Jerbs and I have stayed super diligent about setting the dogs up right when we leave the house. We put up a black out curtain so they can't see the porch, leave the TV on low for a little noise, put out special bones they only get when we aren't home, and, of course, put their bark collars on them. I also got 2 Skype accounts, one of which is logged in on Jerbs' computer at home, one of which is logged into on my phone. I log in and call from work, so I can watch and listen to what's going on at home from my office, PLUS if one of them does bark, I can tell them to stop via Skype. In the whole time I've been doing it, Max has barked once, and it was because a package got delivered on the porch. The Skype thing has helped me to relax a LOT at work. I'm hopeful that with all the issues our neighbor causes, she'll eventually get evicted.
And on the Friday after my birthday, my department co-workers brought cupcakes for a belated birthday gift, and that made me happy. A few co-workers remembered on my actual birthday: Katie got me a huge jar of chocolate candy and these hilarious Ninja bread men cookie cutters, and the sleep girls got me candy and lip gloss and nail polish. I love them, and was so glad a few people remembered.
So that was February. I imagine that someday I'll get around to writing about March . . . maybe in June?
February was a total roller coaster of a month--some really good things happened, and so did some really crappy things.
At the beginning of the month (the 6th, I think), I had my review at work (MHC), and absolutely killed it. My boss pretty much told me I'm awesome, she's always impressed with me, and that she looks forward to seeing what I accomplish in my next year with the company. Pretty high praise from my boss, because she doesn't say things like that lightly. I was incredibly flattered/proud/happy. Of course I got a raise (a good one). Plus I got to enroll in the online CPC class just after my review, which is awesome! I won't lie, the class is a little harder than I was expecting, but I'm glad I'm doing it. I just keep thinking of being able to almost double my salary once I have my certification, which is a pretty decent incentive.
Not long after I had my review and all that, Jerbs got a new job!! She's working at an urgent care now, doing front desk stuff, and she loves it. She interviewed/got the job on the 13th, and gave Staples her two week notice on Valentine's Day, and her last day there was the 28th. I'm so unbelievably happy for her! She wanted to leave Staples for SO LONG and she finally got to! It's been a really good change for her. It was a little weird to pick her up at Staples for the last time, though. I mean . . . she worked there for 7 years, and that time frame covers all kinds of major life events: us dating, our breakup, our first move to the east side, the entire whirlwind of me and Ex-Fiance, me coming back to Flagstaff . . . that's a lot! I got a little weepy, but she was mostly like, "Fuck it! I'm done! Woohoo!!" It's been good to see her so happy.
At the end of February (like the 22nd, I think), I went to an Eric Paslay concert. He's kind of an up and coming country singer, and I really, really like him, and the tickets were only $25, so I figured why the hell not? He performed at the Museum Club, which is this honky tonk bar in town (it's actually pretty well known throughout AZ, but I'd never been there). I took my friend from work, Katie, and bought her ticket as a graduation gift, since she's in her last semester at NAU. It was so much fun!! And I was really proud of myself for, y'know, having a little bit of a social life and going out with someone who isn't Jerbs.
As for the bad . . .
Not surprisingly, it has to do with Stompy McFatAss, the wretch next door.
So February 9th (day before my effing birthday, mind you), I treated myself to Pita Jungle for dinner, and picked it up on my way home from work. Also keep in mind that at this point, we hadn't heard anything from Stompy since that night in January when her apartment flooded and she had Jerbs call 911. Also keep in mind that she hadn't complained about the dogs since June of 2014--so 9 months of relative peace had passed. When I got home on the 9th, the dogs weren't barking, but when I got upstairs, there was a fucking noise warning on the door from the cops, AND a handwritten "anonymous" note from Stompy herself, saying that our dogs have been an issue for 2 years and that we had 48 hours to bark collar them or she was going to play the recordings she (supposedly) has of them "excessively barking."
Couple of things. First of all, Stompy hasn't even lived here for 2 years, she moved in over 4th of July weekend in 2013, so she's about 5 months off on her time frame there. Two, our dogs ARE collared whenever we're not at home, and if the batter in Max's died, I'm sorry. But shit happens, and to go 9 months without a word and then have it escalate like that . . . fuck. Three, I do not believe for even one nano second that this bitch has a recording of our dogs barking, and definitely not of them barking excessively. Even if she DOES have a recording of our dogs, it's a moot point, because, fucking newsflash, if you stand on my porch by my living room window for 20 minutes to record shit, my dogs are going to bark at you! They're dogs, you're trespassing, you're a threat, and that's just the way the damn world works. I was more livid than you can imagine, and it wasn't long before that lividness gave way to a total breakdown. I got anxious, convinced myself I was a worthless piece of shit, and bawled. I called Jerbs at work and told her what happened. At that point she called our complex and left a message asking about transferring our lease to somewhere else in the complex, because we were tired of our neighbor's shit. After Jerbs got home, we talked it over and decided we needed to move--right away if they'd let us, at the end of our lease if they wouldn't.
That all went down on a Monday. For the rest of the week, I refused to leave the dogs home alone, even with their collars. I took early lunches, drove home to pick Jerbs and the dogs up, took Jerbs to work, and let the dogs hang out in the car for the rest of the day. On Tuesday (again, my freaking birthday), I got off work, promptly had an anxiety attack, and realized that I didn't want to be home alone either. So I wandered around Bookman's, JoAnn, and Michael's, then sat in their shared parking lot until Jerbs was off at 8. Definitely not the best birthday I've ever had, and I'm still pretty pissed that the bitch ruined my 18th birthday.
It was a shitty week. I hated it, the dogs hated it, Jerbs hated it, everyone was miserable. On Thursday, Jerbs finally heard back from the complex. She said that at first, the manager was very customer service-y and chipper, told her that they don't usually do transfers without the lease being up, and asked which neighbor the issue was with to see if we could work something out. Apparently, when Jerbs gave the apartment #, the manager's tone completely changed, and she was pretty much like OH, that bitch. Apparently, we are far from the only ones who have complained about her, and she's an ongoing issue for the office. The manager was actually pretty incredulous that she complained about the dogs, and flat out told Jerbs that no other neighbors have ever said a bad thing about us. (Because, AGAIN, it's not a fucking issue)! She also said that she came up here once to talk to the neighbor about something else, and she heard our dog bark like twice ("to let me know he was there," as she put it), then stop. So she was basically like, yeah, sorry your neighbor's so nuts.
She said she'd see what she could do, and ultimately the answer was that we couldn't move right away, but they'd talk to the neighbor. So while the no transfer was irritating, it was a tremendous relief to know that the office/complex management is on our side and aware that this bitch is totally insane. In the meantime, Jerbs and I decided we'd just move when our lease was up and try to get a 2 bedroom (more on that later).
Since all this happened, Jerbs and I have stayed super diligent about setting the dogs up right when we leave the house. We put up a black out curtain so they can't see the porch, leave the TV on low for a little noise, put out special bones they only get when we aren't home, and, of course, put their bark collars on them. I also got 2 Skype accounts, one of which is logged in on Jerbs' computer at home, one of which is logged into on my phone. I log in and call from work, so I can watch and listen to what's going on at home from my office, PLUS if one of them does bark, I can tell them to stop via Skype. In the whole time I've been doing it, Max has barked once, and it was because a package got delivered on the porch. The Skype thing has helped me to relax a LOT at work. I'm hopeful that with all the issues our neighbor causes, she'll eventually get evicted.
And on the Friday after my birthday, my department co-workers brought cupcakes for a belated birthday gift, and that made me happy. A few co-workers remembered on my actual birthday: Katie got me a huge jar of chocolate candy and these hilarious Ninja bread men cookie cutters, and the sleep girls got me candy and lip gloss and nail polish. I love them, and was so glad a few people remembered.
So that was February. I imagine that someday I'll get around to writing about March . . . maybe in June?
12.27.2014
Christmas 2014
All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.
I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice. In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late. Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off. I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit. On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.
I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute! It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them. It makes me happy. We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza. When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious! I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin. I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out. I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).
Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room. That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group). That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.
We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work. It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that. Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well. I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to. I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen. The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep. She's such a weird dog.
Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious. I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.
So overall, a good Christmas. I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time. I loved seeing my family, and I miss them. It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons. I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.
10.06.2014
Bullet Points
I feel like I think of at least 3 things I want to blog about every single day, and then I just never have the time. But I want to keep my blog at least semi updated so . . . bullet points.
1. I cannot freaking believe it's October. I feel like summer flew by, I feel like this whole year is just flying by. It's getting cold out, especially at night, and I love it. It makes it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, though.
2. I'm having mixed results with the Lithium at the moment. In ways I feel better, in ways I feel worse. I've just felt maybe a little more anxious, a little more up, a little more scattered. It worried me for a couple days, and then Jerbs reminded me that this happened when I first started Lithium, and also all the times I restarted it. It's kind of crappy, but at the same time, I'm committed to keeping at it until the levels balance and I feel better.
3. I also think the Lithium's making me tired, which is frustrating. I've never been one to be able to just suck it up and fight through being tired, and I feel like I've been dragging the past week or so. This is a new thing, I don't remember being drowsy on Lithium before, so I'm not sure if it's really that or if it's something else (like the change in the weather, having a sinus infection (STILL), or whatever). Again, it's one of those things that I'm just kind of waiting out, because it might go away once I'm at my therapeutic dose and my body readjusts to having it in my system. We'll see.
4. My mom's buying a house! Which is pretty much the best thing I've heard all year, and I'm really excited for her.
5. Jerbs and I have pretty much adopted this stray Siamese cat that had been hanging around our porch. He used to just come in every night for a little while and eat some cat food, then he started spending the night inside in the living room, and now he sleeps with me every night. He's the cutest cat.
6. Work has gotten better since my old office mate moved out. Now I'm sharing my office with the billing department's new hire, and it's just blissfully quiet. Plus, having the new girl in my office means she comes to me with all of her questions, and it's been kind of cool to see how much I know about my job. Not that I really thought there was a lot I didn't know, but it's a good feeling to be able to look at something and just know what needs to be done. I also just found out last week that our CEO is so impressed with the billing department that we're all getting bonuses in the form of giftcards, which is awesome. It's nice to be appreciated.
7. I'm really trying to make October a good month fitness/weight loss wise. Especially since Lithium is known to cause weight gain, and I definitely don't want to get bigger.
That's all for now. More to come. Someday. When I'm not as tired.
9.13.2014
A Year Without A Psychiatrist
I said in my last post that I've been without a psychiatrist for nearly a year now, so I thought I'd follow that up by talking about what I've done this past year to keep myself on track treatment wise.
The first few months were pretty easy. Between the last of my refills from Dr. Wright, and the refill Dr. F gave me, I was fully medicated until the end of November. In December I broke into my "emergency" Lithium stash, which was basically about a month and a half worth of old prescriptions that I'd never taken. (I had this partly from those times when I just wouldn't take my medicine, and partly leftover from when the couple times I switched medications before the current Rx ran out, if that makes sense). I lowered my dose a little bit and my emergency supply lasted until the end of February.
At that point I had been unsuccessfully trying to work things out with my old doctor/been looking for a new doctor, and it was taking longer than expected. I knew I couldn't just cold turkey stop my medication, so I started looking for an alternative. I remembered an old Hastings co-worker telling me she was (self diagnosed) bipolar, and that she took a natural, OTC Lithium supplement. I didn't think such a thing existed, but after I did some poking around on the internet, I found it. It's called Lithium orotate and you can get it on Amazon. It's obviously not the same formulation as Rx Lithium (which is Lithium carbonate); it's a lower dosage made mostly of elemental Lithium, and there's some evidence that the bioavailability is different as well. It hasn't been studied very extensively in humans, but I was desperate, and it was something, so I bought it. I started myself out on a dosage that was higher than what the bottle recommended but lower than my therapeutic dose of Rx Lithium.
And it actually helped. I will say that it's not as effective as "real" Lithium, but it has most definitely kept the edge off of my worst symptoms for the past 6 months. I haven't had any manic or hypomanic episodes; I've had a few down swings but not any true depressive episodes either. It was the most helpful the first couple months I was taking it (March thru July). I mean, in June I was able to get a second job, so obviously I was doing OK. It's only been the past few weeks that I've started to feel like the effectiveness was dropping off a bit, which is why I started focusing on finding a psychiatrist again.
Like I said, it hasn't been perfect. Since the end of August, some things have fallen by the wayside: I haven't written in a while, I haven't been working out or eating right, and my house is in desperate need of a deep clean. Right now, though, those are all things I don't have the mental energy to do. But I have been able to get up and go to work every day and hold down my job and even do really well at it, and that's amazing. I also haven't had any suicidal ideation or thought about cutting. So while the past 6 months of alternative treatment haven't been my best, they've far and away not been my worst, either. I can tell you that if I'd just gone unmedicated, I'd be unemployed and possibly dead right now, and I'm neither. All in all, I call it at least a semi success. I'm also really proud of myself for being able to find an alternative and at least do something to keep myself well, because old me would have just let it go and suffered the consequences.
Right now, things are on a bit of a downslope. I haven't had any energy the past couple weeks, I can feel my temper getting shorter, and in general, I just haven't felt well. I'm just trying to make it through as best as I can, and in less than two weeks I'll see my new doctor and everything will get better from there. I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to my appointment, because I'm ready to get back to where I was.
8.10.2014
Just An Update
1. This week I finished one of my special projects at MHC. Hallefreakinglujah. It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It took up pretty much my whole Tuesday but that's OK.
2. Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it. Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails. Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.
3. I started doing Couch to 5k this week. I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running). At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me. And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.
4. I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF. I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal. I'm looking forward to that.
5. I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday. No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message. That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow. Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month. I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking. This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity. I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only. So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.
5. Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart. As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff. It was the most random thing. The most absolute random thing. And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together. Sigh.
2. Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it. Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails. Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate. Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.
3. I started doing Couch to 5k this week. I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running). At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me. And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.
4. I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF. I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal. I'm looking forward to that.
5. I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday. No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message. That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow. Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month. I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking. This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity. I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only. So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.
5. Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart. As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff. It was the most random thing. The most absolute random thing. And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt. And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together. Sigh.
7.01.2014
2 Years of Evolution
So I was actually going to write this
post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up
anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the
back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.
But the more I've thought about it, the
more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a
more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because,
even though it was on May 25th that Ex-Fiance told me he
didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly
end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting
better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two
years ago today.
Honestly, it's hard to even know where
to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since
that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words.
I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing
it all up is a challenge.
The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to
Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable
would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and
numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating,
heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost
nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part
of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept
thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the
place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking
about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had
been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and
away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really
didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed
a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough
to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to
afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious
cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on
the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was
with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest
of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day
before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave.
I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like
I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going.
He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my
porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.
On that day my life just didn't make
sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked
from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated
than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak.
Very, very bleak.
Today, two years later, I am happier
than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up,
went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs.
That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the
normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was
sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but
now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good
feeling.
I've come so far in two years. I got
an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18
months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my
job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been
great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been
able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel
like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at
MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I
would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are
things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would
want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was
asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the
confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to
be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having
two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.
It's also been a great experience to
work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like
me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at
like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . .
. I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about
it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met
me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm
definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have
been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have
people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel
normal.
I've stopped overreacting to things. I
feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and
insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or
the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little
things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now,
those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that
happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work
last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried
and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay
for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so
she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that
I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus
after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a
huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked.
But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one
WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning),
and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the
time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went
to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my
day.
I've stopped focusing on other people's
lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook
statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me
get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would
get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in
any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't
succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes
just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I
wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too
wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear
about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just
happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point,
that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want
to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I
like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm
excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm
going to accomplish great things.
I've stopped feeling like I need to
define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my
personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was
and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this
over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to
thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I
decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy
as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine
turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I
was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head
made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know
how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It
seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time.
And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all
just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . .
. and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying
about what they mean.
In general, my mind just feels more
mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of
control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it
was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or
movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It
sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or
depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided
anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed
those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory
nonetheless.
One thing that I haven't talked much
about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this
journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I
don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that
area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a
Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church,
but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to
experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a
higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that
I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life.
Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.
Right now, I really do love my life.
It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I
live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every
single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from
where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything
that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and
for my own determination.
It hasn't been an easy journey, but it
has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been,
I don't think I'd change a thing.
5.05.2014
A Lesson In Patience
About a month ago, I decided that my hair had gotten far too long and that I needed to get it cut. I was (and am) sick of the split ends and the drying time and just the general blah-ness of it.
But I absolutely hate getting my hair cut. I don't know why but I hate going to a salon and making awkward small talk with a stranger while I wear that awful cape thing that makes my neck look ridiculous. There's just something really unpleasant about it to me. Plus I like being self sufficient (which is why I learned to do my own nails, because I hate getting that professionally done too).
So I googled cutting layers in your hair at home and, after watching some YouTube videos and reading some blogs I found this thing called the CreaClip. It's basically a guide thing to trim your hair and it looked pretty cool, but it cost $40. But I'm resourceful so I looked for it on eBay, and found the same exact thing for $4.99. It was in Hong Kong, of course, but $4.99 and free shipping makes the wait worth it. So I ordered it, and I waited.
And waited, and waited, and waited, and of course started to get impatient. Because that's just how I roll. And then after conversations with Jerbs I convinced myself that it had somehow not made it through customs and that it wasn't going to come. But I still didn't want to pay $40 plus shipping for the real one, so I looked it up on Amazon, and found the exact same thing for $13.94 with free shipping in California. I ordered it last Thursday.
Then today, I got home and checked the mail.
And there were two hair cutting guides waiting in the mailbox for me.
So thank you, universe, you've made your point.
But I absolutely hate getting my hair cut. I don't know why but I hate going to a salon and making awkward small talk with a stranger while I wear that awful cape thing that makes my neck look ridiculous. There's just something really unpleasant about it to me. Plus I like being self sufficient (which is why I learned to do my own nails, because I hate getting that professionally done too).
So I googled cutting layers in your hair at home and, after watching some YouTube videos and reading some blogs I found this thing called the CreaClip. It's basically a guide thing to trim your hair and it looked pretty cool, but it cost $40. But I'm resourceful so I looked for it on eBay, and found the same exact thing for $4.99. It was in Hong Kong, of course, but $4.99 and free shipping makes the wait worth it. So I ordered it, and I waited.
And waited, and waited, and waited, and of course started to get impatient. Because that's just how I roll. And then after conversations with Jerbs I convinced myself that it had somehow not made it through customs and that it wasn't going to come. But I still didn't want to pay $40 plus shipping for the real one, so I looked it up on Amazon, and found the exact same thing for $13.94 with free shipping in California. I ordered it last Thursday.
Then today, I got home and checked the mail.
And there were two hair cutting guides waiting in the mailbox for me.
So thank you, universe, you've made your point.
 |
| TWO hair cutting guides. Because why not? |
11.16.2013
Thoughts & Stuff
I've been feeling pretty happy lately. For the past two weeks, really, ever since I got back from Kingman; I think something about my visit home had an energizing effect on me. I've been writing--like actually writing, not just sort of scribbling notes here and there, but actually focusing on one specific writing project and working on it. I'm making progress on it and it makes me happy. And I'm really proud of my diet accomplishments this past week; I know I wasn't perfect but I definitely took some really good steps in the right direction and I feel confident about how this next week will go in that respect.
It's been nice. I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.
And then tonight just . . . I don't know.
It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.
Let me say that I am happy with my life. I know I don't have a lot to complain about. But there are times when I'm not content. Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I am so lonely. This is probably the worst thing. I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff. There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with. She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable. Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers. I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.
And I'm sick of being single. So fucking sick of it. I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am. And I hate myself for not being over it. I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it. Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing. The regret is still immense.
I just . . . want a change. I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal. And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be. And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.
It's been nice. I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.
And then tonight just . . . I don't know.
It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.
Let me say that I am happy with my life. I know I don't have a lot to complain about. But there are times when I'm not content. Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.
I am so lonely. This is probably the worst thing. I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff. There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with. She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable. Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers. I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.
And I'm sick of being single. So fucking sick of it. I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am. And I hate myself for not being over it. I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it. Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing. The regret is still immense.
I just . . . want a change. I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal. And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be. And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.
11.05.2013
K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday
This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.
I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00. Austin was SO excited to see me! That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us. Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts. The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless. I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June. Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing. As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"
The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious. Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks. It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it. Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice. Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.
And then it was time for Austin's birthday party! My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake. It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him. Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday. Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.
Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare. I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap. By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise. The look on his face when I walked in was amazing. He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!" And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!" He was so excited. We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt. They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt. It was just lovely.
Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave. Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave. It was pretty heart wrenching. I hate hearing him cry. I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard. I just love him so much.
So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family. This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.
I wish Austin could stay this age forever. I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve. But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.
I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00. Austin was SO excited to see me! That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us. Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts. The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless. I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June. Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing. As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"
The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious. Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks. It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it. Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice. Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.
And then it was time for Austin's birthday party! My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake. It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him. Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday. Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.
Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare. I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap. By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise. The look on his face when I walked in was amazing. He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!" And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!" He was so excited. We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt. They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt. It was just lovely.
Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave. Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave. It was pretty heart wrenching. I hate hearing him cry. I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard. I just love him so much.
So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family. This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.
I wish Austin could stay this age forever. I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve. But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.
10.20.2013
Deep Breaths
Sometimes . . . I start to feel really overwhelmed and scattered. Just by life in general.
I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days. I have a lot of things I want and need to do and I just can't seem to find the time to get to all of them, and it bothers me. A lot. And then as I don't get to things and they kind of pile up in my head, that's when the overwhelmed/scattered feelings start. I don't like it. I get to a point where I feel like I'm just kind of letting my life pass me by and as it does, all I do is work, sleep, and eat.
This feeling gets especially strong late Saturday night. That's when the holy-shit-the-weekend's-almost-over kind of stuff kicks in.
When it comes to my weekends Sundays are pretty much reserved for laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and other errand type stuff. Chores, basically. So fun stuff that I want to do, like writing and sewing and stuff, get done on Friday and Saturday. And the time just seems to FLY by and before I know it, it's time to go back to work and I feel like I've wasted a weekend doing . . . not much.
I think a lot of it is the M-F schedule. I've never had a job like that till MHC and even though I'm incredibly happy there, it's a little tough. I've been there 9 months now and in that time every single one of my co-workers has taken at least one vacation of a week or more. I'm thinking I need to do something like that soon. I don't really know how much PTO I have but . . . definitely something to think about.
I also need to talk to my doctor (or A doctor, since I don't technically have a doctor at the moment) about the potential for thyroid issues, because I still have problems that could be associated with that. I never have any energy and I sleep far more than I should on weekends; I wake up with headaches pretty frequently these days and I'm tired 90% of the time. It's endlessly frustrating. I'd be willing to bet actual money that my thyroid's screwed up--maybe just very very borderline but still--and that treatment for that would be helpful, but until my blood tests actually say something really definitively negative, it's not going to happen. Sigh.
Anyway, right now I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that there really are no deadlines in everyday life, so I'll get to all the things I want to do when I do. And that whatever physical problems I might be having will eventually get treated, because it'll eventually show up on some test or I'll find a more lenient doctor.
Deep. Breaths.
I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days. I have a lot of things I want and need to do and I just can't seem to find the time to get to all of them, and it bothers me. A lot. And then as I don't get to things and they kind of pile up in my head, that's when the overwhelmed/scattered feelings start. I don't like it. I get to a point where I feel like I'm just kind of letting my life pass me by and as it does, all I do is work, sleep, and eat.
This feeling gets especially strong late Saturday night. That's when the holy-shit-the-weekend's-almost-over kind of stuff kicks in.
When it comes to my weekends Sundays are pretty much reserved for laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and other errand type stuff. Chores, basically. So fun stuff that I want to do, like writing and sewing and stuff, get done on Friday and Saturday. And the time just seems to FLY by and before I know it, it's time to go back to work and I feel like I've wasted a weekend doing . . . not much.
I think a lot of it is the M-F schedule. I've never had a job like that till MHC and even though I'm incredibly happy there, it's a little tough. I've been there 9 months now and in that time every single one of my co-workers has taken at least one vacation of a week or more. I'm thinking I need to do something like that soon. I don't really know how much PTO I have but . . . definitely something to think about.
I also need to talk to my doctor (or A doctor, since I don't technically have a doctor at the moment) about the potential for thyroid issues, because I still have problems that could be associated with that. I never have any energy and I sleep far more than I should on weekends; I wake up with headaches pretty frequently these days and I'm tired 90% of the time. It's endlessly frustrating. I'd be willing to bet actual money that my thyroid's screwed up--maybe just very very borderline but still--and that treatment for that would be helpful, but until my blood tests actually say something really definitively negative, it's not going to happen. Sigh.
Anyway, right now I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that there really are no deadlines in everyday life, so I'll get to all the things I want to do when I do. And that whatever physical problems I might be having will eventually get treated, because it'll eventually show up on some test or I'll find a more lenient doctor.
Deep. Breaths.
10.15.2013
Online Dating
Confession: I have a profile on Match.com. I have for a couple months now, but I rarely think about it or check it. It was made from a combination of being bored one night and just kind of being curious about what's out there.
It's not something I'm taking seriously right now. I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating. I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me. Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix. Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.
I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet. But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?
When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed. I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with. The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least. Very, very daunting.
Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want! You need to make a bold move!" (That's a direct quote, I swear). So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him. Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks. But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him. I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back. It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high. I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.
I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing. I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to. And I've done that, I think. For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health. Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.
It's not something I'm taking seriously right now. I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating. I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me. Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix. Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.
I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet. But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?
When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed. I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with. The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least. Very, very daunting.
Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want! You need to make a bold move!" (That's a direct quote, I swear). So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him. Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks. But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him. I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back. It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high. I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.
I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing. I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to. And I've done that, I think. For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health. Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.
9.07.2013
Today Sucked
Today was just one of *those* days. In the bad way. It just flat out sucked. No other way to say it.
(This is your official TMI warning. I'm going to talk about my lady part issues in a second).
First, I'm on my period. Which basically means this whole past week was bad what with PMSing. This particular cycle's symptoms have been some weepiness and exhaustion. Seriously, this whole past week, no matter how much sleep I got/how well I slept, I was just too tired to get much done. Work was miserable and I hardly got to work out (and I did OK diet wise and I really wanted to exercise). So just . . . yeah. I was most definitely looking forward to the weekend.
Which brings us to today.
I woke up earlier than intended thanks to vicious cramps, and by the time they faded (after I took an obscene amount of ibuprofen), it was too late to go back to sleep. So I thought whatever, and got dressed, because I needed to go to the bank.
In the process of leaving the house I grabbed my purse and discovered that one of the cats had pooped in it during the night. IN my purse. IN it. And it was runny. And it was all over basically everything in my purse. I had to throw out the purse, my wallet, my daily pill thingy, two tubes of chapstick, a couple of hair clips, and a whole bunch of receipts. Needless to say I was not thrilled. At all. I fought the urge to throw said cat off of our balcony. (Note: I dug out one of my old purses and am using it for now, and Jenny bought me new chapstick and a new wallet).
I got home from the bank and change into a pair of sweats that were lying on the floor of my closet, and they were covered in cat pee. (Seriously, the cats here hate me).
Picked Jerbs up from work and went to PetSmart to buy spray refill for Max's no bark collar. For whatever reason the spray refills are locked up with the bark collars so you have to have a manager get it out for you. Well, I had a cashier page someone over once, we waited about ten minutes, then Jerbs asked her to call again, and we waiting about 15 more minutes. By that point I'd absolutely had it (customer service is NOT THAT DIFFICULT), so I told the cashier we were still waiting, to just forget about sending someone over, and that we'd be going to PetCo. She apologized and I flat out told her it was their loss. Which makes me sound bitchy, I know, but I don't screw around with bad customer service BS anymore. (And we did go to PetCo, where we got the spray in like 5 minutes, and found a killer deal on cat litter. Plus Max was ecstatic that he got to go to TWO stores in one day, so that was good).
While I was out and about with my emergency replacement purse, my water bottle leaked in it, soaking my phone and keys and debit card . . . so freaking annoying.
We got home and I was showing Jerbs how wedge make up sponges work and I inadvertently rubbed my eye with one she'd had in her mouth. So I got Jerbs spit on my face. Lovely. Why she was chewing on it I have no idea.
And finally, a little while ago, I went to the bathroom and was going to remove my nail polish while I peed (I don't care if anyone thinks that's gross or judges me, peeing is boring and I like multi-tasking, K?) So I had the nail polish remover, open, on the edge of the tub, and I flushed the toilet because there was tissue with make up on it in there. And the toilet overflowed, and by the time I was able to grab the plunger the bathroom had mostly flooded. AND in trying to get to said plunger I knocked over the nail polish remover which spilled on one of the rugs. Now tomorrow I get to wash a big load of towels and rugs along with my normal laundry. Fabulous.
So yeah. I'm about done.
And with that in mind, I am going to go to bed, and get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow will be a better, more productive day.
Seriously, though, Saturdays aren't supposed to suck.
(This is your official TMI warning. I'm going to talk about my lady part issues in a second).
First, I'm on my period. Which basically means this whole past week was bad what with PMSing. This particular cycle's symptoms have been some weepiness and exhaustion. Seriously, this whole past week, no matter how much sleep I got/how well I slept, I was just too tired to get much done. Work was miserable and I hardly got to work out (and I did OK diet wise and I really wanted to exercise). So just . . . yeah. I was most definitely looking forward to the weekend.
Which brings us to today.
I woke up earlier than intended thanks to vicious cramps, and by the time they faded (after I took an obscene amount of ibuprofen), it was too late to go back to sleep. So I thought whatever, and got dressed, because I needed to go to the bank.
In the process of leaving the house I grabbed my purse and discovered that one of the cats had pooped in it during the night. IN my purse. IN it. And it was runny. And it was all over basically everything in my purse. I had to throw out the purse, my wallet, my daily pill thingy, two tubes of chapstick, a couple of hair clips, and a whole bunch of receipts. Needless to say I was not thrilled. At all. I fought the urge to throw said cat off of our balcony. (Note: I dug out one of my old purses and am using it for now, and Jenny bought me new chapstick and a new wallet).
I got home from the bank and change into a pair of sweats that were lying on the floor of my closet, and they were covered in cat pee. (Seriously, the cats here hate me).
Picked Jerbs up from work and went to PetSmart to buy spray refill for Max's no bark collar. For whatever reason the spray refills are locked up with the bark collars so you have to have a manager get it out for you. Well, I had a cashier page someone over once, we waited about ten minutes, then Jerbs asked her to call again, and we waiting about 15 more minutes. By that point I'd absolutely had it (customer service is NOT THAT DIFFICULT), so I told the cashier we were still waiting, to just forget about sending someone over, and that we'd be going to PetCo. She apologized and I flat out told her it was their loss. Which makes me sound bitchy, I know, but I don't screw around with bad customer service BS anymore. (And we did go to PetCo, where we got the spray in like 5 minutes, and found a killer deal on cat litter. Plus Max was ecstatic that he got to go to TWO stores in one day, so that was good).
While I was out and about with my emergency replacement purse, my water bottle leaked in it, soaking my phone and keys and debit card . . . so freaking annoying.
We got home and I was showing Jerbs how wedge make up sponges work and I inadvertently rubbed my eye with one she'd had in her mouth. So I got Jerbs spit on my face. Lovely. Why she was chewing on it I have no idea.
And finally, a little while ago, I went to the bathroom and was going to remove my nail polish while I peed (I don't care if anyone thinks that's gross or judges me, peeing is boring and I like multi-tasking, K?) So I had the nail polish remover, open, on the edge of the tub, and I flushed the toilet because there was tissue with make up on it in there. And the toilet overflowed, and by the time I was able to grab the plunger the bathroom had mostly flooded. AND in trying to get to said plunger I knocked over the nail polish remover which spilled on one of the rugs. Now tomorrow I get to wash a big load of towels and rugs along with my normal laundry. Fabulous.
So yeah. I'm about done.
And with that in mind, I am going to go to bed, and get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow will be a better, more productive day.
Seriously, though, Saturdays aren't supposed to suck.
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