I haven't really done a lot of posting about health and fitness and weight loss and all that stuff so far this year. And the reason for that is that I'm basically stalled in those particular areas at the moment.
I started off doing really well in January. I weighed in at 190 pounds on the first of the year and kicked ass in January, I was really consistent and just did well. And I thought I could carry that momentum into the rest of the year and I was wrong.
In February I started doing yoga once a week and really enjoyed it. But February ended up being a tough month mental health wise: turning 31, my youngest sister turning 23, the anniversary of my and my ex's engagement, it really hitting me that I'm going to move out of AZ this year, etc. And I reverted back to old stress eating habits and undid all my January progress.
March and April were only a little bit better. I quite going to yoga at the end of March. And basically I didn't try at all for those months.
And now it's May and I'm still in that not caring not trying mode. I don't know why but I just can't seem to shake it, and it's extremely frustrating. I know my health is suffering. I want to lose weight so badly, and I know EXACTLY what I need to do to make that happen, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.
With my vacation coming up soon, I'm letting myself not worry about it for now. I'm going to go on my trip, have a good time, and then when I get back I'll try and re-focus on the weight loss thing. I'm not feeling super confident about it, but I at least have to tell myself I'm going to try, right?
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
5.19.2016
1.22.2016
Work Eval
So today I got my yearly evaluation from my boss at work.
It went pretty much as expected. Pretty much just a you're doing awesome and keep up the good work kinda thing. The one thing I know I need to work on is the one thing my boss says I need to work on, so all in all, it was good news. My boss also encouraged me to stop feeling like I needed to take on other people's work if they fall behind (my office mate is suuuuper slow at some stuff and I tend to feel obligated to pick up the slack), and I'm glad she did. I get really frustrated and I think I needed to hear from my boss that it's OK to just let things go and let my co-workers really be responsible for themselves.
One thing that I'm really disappointed about, though, is my raise. Based on the fact that I got my CPC a few months ago, and since I've been taking on a lot more work (both coding and otherwise)--I definitely had a number in mind for my raise. And I was definitely expecting something more than what my past two raises have been.
So imagine my disappointment when I looked at my paperwork and saw a raise that is actually a little less than what I got last year. My heart just kind of sank and I actually almost cried. But I'm not much of a boat rocker so I just kind of sucked it up and didn't say anything. I didn't want to get all upset and crying at my boss, and I knew that's what would happen if I brought it up.
Plus, at least I got a raise, and at least I have a job at all. I reminded myself over and over again today that a lot of people would kill for what I got today, and that I should be grateful for what I have.
But still. It was disappointing.
It went pretty much as expected. Pretty much just a you're doing awesome and keep up the good work kinda thing. The one thing I know I need to work on is the one thing my boss says I need to work on, so all in all, it was good news. My boss also encouraged me to stop feeling like I needed to take on other people's work if they fall behind (my office mate is suuuuper slow at some stuff and I tend to feel obligated to pick up the slack), and I'm glad she did. I get really frustrated and I think I needed to hear from my boss that it's OK to just let things go and let my co-workers really be responsible for themselves.
One thing that I'm really disappointed about, though, is my raise. Based on the fact that I got my CPC a few months ago, and since I've been taking on a lot more work (both coding and otherwise)--I definitely had a number in mind for my raise. And I was definitely expecting something more than what my past two raises have been.
So imagine my disappointment when I looked at my paperwork and saw a raise that is actually a little less than what I got last year. My heart just kind of sank and I actually almost cried. But I'm not much of a boat rocker so I just kind of sucked it up and didn't say anything. I didn't want to get all upset and crying at my boss, and I knew that's what would happen if I brought it up.
Plus, at least I got a raise, and at least I have a job at all. I reminded myself over and over again today that a lot of people would kill for what I got today, and that I should be grateful for what I have.
But still. It was disappointing.
4.30.2015
Let's Talk About April
April was pretty quiet (as most months tend to be lately).
Jerbs had a couple weekends off, so we got to hang out. It was nice but a little weird, I love Jerbs and all but I guess I like my weekend alone time a little more than I realized.
The weather was pretty nice, minus a few random cold snaps. We actually took the dogs to the pond one day, only to find a huge sign informing the public that the pond is now considered private property and only to be used by members of the country club, complete with a little "be prepared to show your membership card if asked" warning. It was disappointing and absolutely infuriating. I don't want to write too much about it because I've actually finally gotten over it. But I will say that A) It's total BS because I'm pretty sure it was tax money, NOT private money, that built that pond, and B) the way this city caters and only cares about the wealthy and the college kids makes me sick, and is one of the many reasons Jerbs and I want to leave.
Also in April, Jerbs found out that the company she started working for in March (a locally owned urgent care) is not going to be locally owned for much longer, because the (apparently much greedier than originally thought) owners decided to sell the business to a national urgent care chain company. They're still kind of in transition, and will be until mid-summerish. No one over there is happy about it, and Jerbs is, of course, disappointed. She worked for so long to get out of Staples and finally did and finally had a job she liked, and it's more or less been yanked out from under her. So far, the new company says they won't make any major changes, but I don't really trust that. They've also essentially made everyone go through the hiring process again. Jerbs had to cut a trip to Phoenix short to go in and meet with the new HR people, and the deal was pretty much get your ass here or you're fired. That was really, really frustrating (and probably illegal, since it was a scheduled day off, and the HR meeting was NOT scheduled). At this point, I think her plan is to see through the transition, see what working for the new company is like, and then go from there as far as whether or not she stays. I'm hoping it works out for the best because I just want her to be happy; I'm still super angry on her behalf though. I'm also angry at yet ANOTHER locally owned place selling out to a chain. Again, this seems to be part of the trend to just make Flagstaff another Phoenix, and I'm very not OK with that.
But enough of that.
One happy thing from this month has been that they finally hired someone to take on DME full time at MHC, which is a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders. The new girl (who's actually a re-hire and not totally new to the company) started on the 20th. I seriously counted down the days between when I found out and when she started. I was just THAT excited. So for the past week, I've been doing a lot of training at work, which I both like and dislike. I won't lie, it's been kind of a painful process, and there have definitely been some moments where I've found myself thinking that it's not going to work out. I just keep telling myself not to be too irritated, that she's only been learning it for a few days whereas I did it for a year so . . . of course it all looks super easy to me. Hopefully it works out. I just don't want to have to take DME back in 6 months.
I also found out this month that my dad's going to be moving (fairly soon? not totally sure). I guess his landlady (who's a long time family friend and also kind of his girlfriend, I don't really know what goes on there) is selling her house/property, which includes the little house my dad rents from her. I won't lie, hearing that kind of freaked me out. Some if is just worrying about my dad (although he did, very reassuringly, say to me, "Don fucking worry, Jessica, I have a plan."). Some of it is just being sad at losing a place from my childhood. This house is probably where I spent the most time as a kid, aside from the house I grew up in and my grandparents' house, and I think it's really the last significant place left, at least in my old neighborhood. I kind of feel like my childhood is slowly being chipped away, and I hate that. I want those memories and that time in my life to be a foundation for who I am as an adult, and losing that kind of sucks.
So that was April. Tomorrow I'm leaving for a weekend in Las Vegas with Theresa, her fiance, and her fiance's family. We're going shopping for bridesmaid's dresses plus just, y'know, hanging out in Vegas. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!
4.29.2015
Let's Talk About March
So March.
Jerbs started her new job right at the beginning of the month, and it was awesome. I drive her to work at the crack of dawn (because the buses don't run as early as she has to be there). That's been an interesting experience, but I really don't mind. I've worked at they gym, I've gone into work at MHC early and gotten some extra hours, I've eaten breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (love it, btw), I've studied for my coding class, stuff like that. One morning I even went to the gym and worked out before work, which was not as earth shatteringly awful as I'd been expecting. But full disclosure, I haven't done it a second time. It's really just not for me, and I prefer working out after work.
Jerbs loves her new job, though. It's definitely a huge improvement from Staples. Pretty much right away Jerbs seemed happier, and less stressed than she had been for a long time, and seeing her happy makes me happy. She's got a really nice schedule there plus more hours than she was getting at Staples. Plus guaranteed overtime, which is awesome.
In the middle of the month I got a storage unit and my dad brought up all my stuff. As in, all of the things I had to leave in Kingman when I moved back to Flagstaff almost 3 years ago, which is most of what I own. For 6 months or so after I left, all of it was in the garage at my old place (where Ex-Fiance was still living); at some point my dad went and got all of it, and it had been in his garage ever since. We had talked about him bringing it up before but never got anywhere, but my dad apparently might be moving, so it was a necessity. It was weird to see all my stuff, because I honestly hadn't looked at it since the move. It was both comforting and somehow not comforting at the same time. Everything was just as I'd packed it, but there is an extra box, labeled in Ex-Fiance's handwriting. I couldn't bring myself to open it and see what was inside, because, even nearly 3 years after the fact, the mental image of him walking through our house and packing up the things that reminded him of me just hurts. That's not something I'm quite ready to face. (More on that whole issue later, probably).
Also in March, things got BAD at MHC. I don't even really know exactly what happened, but it was basically just one disaster after another, pretty much all related to one area of my job (DME). I was angry, frustrated, discouraged, and beyond stressed. For the first time since I started there more than 2 years ago, I hated my job. I dreaded going to work and was literally having anxiety attacks about it. It was terrible. I told my boss that it was time for DME to go to someone else, but that wasn't an option, so instead I got approved overtime. Which did help. But still, I was at a point where I probably would have quit had it not been for the coding class thing (ie if I leave now I owe the company the whole cost of that class). Things are better now, but I was suffering for a couple weeks there.
Jerbs and I really started to focus on moving in March as well--or at least, getting ready to move. There are these 2 bed 1.5 bath 2 story townhomes across the street from us, managed by the same company as our current complex. They looked reasonably priced online, so we decided to check them out. (In the 2 days between when we looked at the website and when we toured the place, though, the base rent went up by $80, just putting that out there). I honestly wasn't impressed with the place. It wasn't terrible, but it felt TINY, I think because of the layout. And both the bedrooms were super, super small, like small enough that I wouldn't actually have been able to fit all my stuff in mine.
But we forged ahead, did the application online, paid the app fee and reservation fee, got approved, the whole nine. Then we saw the actual rent breakdown and it was just too expensive. I mean, we probably could have swung the rent, but that would have made it really tight, and I don't want to live like that. So between the stupidly high rent, the not too impressive apartment, the fact that we're only planning to be in Flagstaff another year, and the less than awesome thought of actually moving all our shit, we decided to just stay. Ultimately we decided it would be better to suck it up, stay where we are, and save for the big out of state move we'd like to make happen next year.
And that's the story of how we really and truly almost moved and then decided not to. I know, it's a little anti climactic.
So Jerbs signed the lease for another year here. And while she was in the office doing it, the property manager asked if we'd had any more issues with our neighbor. Jerbs said that things had been quiet on that front. The manager proceeded to tell Jerbs that she'd had a long talk with the neighbor and she'd been warned about her behavior (ie she was told to stop being an overdramatic bitch), and that we needed to let her know if absolutely ANYTHING else happened. Again, we get the vibe that they want her gone as much as we do. The property manager also told Jerbs that she's been an excellent tenant in the whole time she's/we've lived here. It's good to know the complex is on our side and knows the neighbor is the one with issues. Right now we're just hoping she gets kicked out sooner rather than later.
And that's about it for March. Definitely not a great month, but free of any major disasters, and sometimes that's the best you can hope for, right?
Jerbs started her new job right at the beginning of the month, and it was awesome. I drive her to work at the crack of dawn (because the buses don't run as early as she has to be there). That's been an interesting experience, but I really don't mind. I've worked at they gym, I've gone into work at MHC early and gotten some extra hours, I've eaten breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (love it, btw), I've studied for my coding class, stuff like that. One morning I even went to the gym and worked out before work, which was not as earth shatteringly awful as I'd been expecting. But full disclosure, I haven't done it a second time. It's really just not for me, and I prefer working out after work.
Jerbs loves her new job, though. It's definitely a huge improvement from Staples. Pretty much right away Jerbs seemed happier, and less stressed than she had been for a long time, and seeing her happy makes me happy. She's got a really nice schedule there plus more hours than she was getting at Staples. Plus guaranteed overtime, which is awesome.
In the middle of the month I got a storage unit and my dad brought up all my stuff. As in, all of the things I had to leave in Kingman when I moved back to Flagstaff almost 3 years ago, which is most of what I own. For 6 months or so after I left, all of it was in the garage at my old place (where Ex-Fiance was still living); at some point my dad went and got all of it, and it had been in his garage ever since. We had talked about him bringing it up before but never got anywhere, but my dad apparently might be moving, so it was a necessity. It was weird to see all my stuff, because I honestly hadn't looked at it since the move. It was both comforting and somehow not comforting at the same time. Everything was just as I'd packed it, but there is an extra box, labeled in Ex-Fiance's handwriting. I couldn't bring myself to open it and see what was inside, because, even nearly 3 years after the fact, the mental image of him walking through our house and packing up the things that reminded him of me just hurts. That's not something I'm quite ready to face. (More on that whole issue later, probably).
Also in March, things got BAD at MHC. I don't even really know exactly what happened, but it was basically just one disaster after another, pretty much all related to one area of my job (DME). I was angry, frustrated, discouraged, and beyond stressed. For the first time since I started there more than 2 years ago, I hated my job. I dreaded going to work and was literally having anxiety attacks about it. It was terrible. I told my boss that it was time for DME to go to someone else, but that wasn't an option, so instead I got approved overtime. Which did help. But still, I was at a point where I probably would have quit had it not been for the coding class thing (ie if I leave now I owe the company the whole cost of that class). Things are better now, but I was suffering for a couple weeks there.
Jerbs and I really started to focus on moving in March as well--or at least, getting ready to move. There are these 2 bed 1.5 bath 2 story townhomes across the street from us, managed by the same company as our current complex. They looked reasonably priced online, so we decided to check them out. (In the 2 days between when we looked at the website and when we toured the place, though, the base rent went up by $80, just putting that out there). I honestly wasn't impressed with the place. It wasn't terrible, but it felt TINY, I think because of the layout. And both the bedrooms were super, super small, like small enough that I wouldn't actually have been able to fit all my stuff in mine.
But we forged ahead, did the application online, paid the app fee and reservation fee, got approved, the whole nine. Then we saw the actual rent breakdown and it was just too expensive. I mean, we probably could have swung the rent, but that would have made it really tight, and I don't want to live like that. So between the stupidly high rent, the not too impressive apartment, the fact that we're only planning to be in Flagstaff another year, and the less than awesome thought of actually moving all our shit, we decided to just stay. Ultimately we decided it would be better to suck it up, stay where we are, and save for the big out of state move we'd like to make happen next year.
And that's the story of how we really and truly almost moved and then decided not to. I know, it's a little anti climactic.
So Jerbs signed the lease for another year here. And while she was in the office doing it, the property manager asked if we'd had any more issues with our neighbor. Jerbs said that things had been quiet on that front. The manager proceeded to tell Jerbs that she'd had a long talk with the neighbor and she'd been warned about her behavior (ie she was told to stop being an overdramatic bitch), and that we needed to let her know if absolutely ANYTHING else happened. Again, we get the vibe that they want her gone as much as we do. The property manager also told Jerbs that she's been an excellent tenant in the whole time she's/we've lived here. It's good to know the complex is on our side and knows the neighbor is the one with issues. Right now we're just hoping she gets kicked out sooner rather than later.
And that's about it for March. Definitely not a great month, but free of any major disasters, and sometimes that's the best you can hope for, right?
5.24.2014
Things That Are Bugging Me Right Now
1. How much I slept today.
2. How much I ate today. (Because eating an entire Little Caesar's pizza is most definitely a good decision).
3. How little motivation I have to do ANYTHING around the house.
4. The fact that I still haven't found a new doctor. Blech.
5. That tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the break up.
6. Cramps.
7. All the things I've been putting on my TO DO lists over and over and over again and putting off over and over and over again.
8. That Benji's gone.
9. That my sister lost her cell phone in Mexico. I honestly do not understand how we're related. You are a mother and have a job that literally requires you to save lives but you can't keep track of a freaking cell phone when you're on vacation? It is mind boggling.
10. Cramps. Again. Because they are just the worst.
Don't get me wrong. I'm generally pretty happy with my life right now.
I'm also just annoyed about some things and I needed to get them off my chest.
2. How much I ate today. (Because eating an entire Little Caesar's pizza is most definitely a good decision).
3. How little motivation I have to do ANYTHING around the house.
4. The fact that I still haven't found a new doctor. Blech.
5. That tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the break up.
6. Cramps.
7. All the things I've been putting on my TO DO lists over and over and over again and putting off over and over and over again.
8. That Benji's gone.
9. That my sister lost her cell phone in Mexico. I honestly do not understand how we're related. You are a mother and have a job that literally requires you to save lives but you can't keep track of a freaking cell phone when you're on vacation? It is mind boggling.
10. Cramps. Again. Because they are just the worst.
Don't get me wrong. I'm generally pretty happy with my life right now.
I'm also just annoyed about some things and I needed to get them off my chest.
11.22.2013
TGIF
I'm so glad this week is over.
It started out bad (seriously, worst Monday ever) and really only marginally improved. I think I've spent most of the week in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, sound asleep.
I have just been exhausted this week. Flat out exhausted. Like I felt in April when I thought my thyroid was crashing. This time I'm blaming it on other things.
I had trouble sleeping on Sunday night. Not unusual but normally I just have trouble getting to sleep and basically end up falling asleep later than I should. But this past Sunday I spent most of the night tossing and turning and randomly waking up and feeling incredibly anxious. I think it was the lack of Lithium starting to take effect. So then I was super tired Monday, and the combination of exhaustion and having a shitty day felt like a really great excuse for taking a nap after work.
Which meant I went to bed late on Monday. And took a nap on Tuesday. And so on and so forth. I've napped every day this week (loooong naps too . . . like shamefully long naps). So I screwed my sleep schedule.
Add to the screwed up sleep schedule the lack of Li in my system, the dreary winter weather we've been having, and the fact that it's already completely dark by the time I get home in the evenings and there ya have it.
Not that I don't love the dreary winter weather. It's been grey and rainy all week (and SNOW predicted for the weekend) and it's beautiful . . . but it also makes my bed a lot more appealing than most other things.
I think it goes without saying that I completely ditched my diet this week. Sigh.
Next week should be better. The Lithium issue should be resolved today (Friday), and I know that'll help a lot with the energy thing, which will in turn make it easier to eat better and stick to my normal sleep schedule. Weeks like this, when I feel like I accomplish nothing, make me feel like crap, and I hate it. But then, I also think that I'm allowed to have an off week here and there. It happens to everyone, right?
Here's to Friday!
It started out bad (seriously, worst Monday ever) and really only marginally improved. I think I've spent most of the week in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, sound asleep.
I have just been exhausted this week. Flat out exhausted. Like I felt in April when I thought my thyroid was crashing. This time I'm blaming it on other things.
I had trouble sleeping on Sunday night. Not unusual but normally I just have trouble getting to sleep and basically end up falling asleep later than I should. But this past Sunday I spent most of the night tossing and turning and randomly waking up and feeling incredibly anxious. I think it was the lack of Lithium starting to take effect. So then I was super tired Monday, and the combination of exhaustion and having a shitty day felt like a really great excuse for taking a nap after work.
Which meant I went to bed late on Monday. And took a nap on Tuesday. And so on and so forth. I've napped every day this week (loooong naps too . . . like shamefully long naps). So I screwed my sleep schedule.
Add to the screwed up sleep schedule the lack of Li in my system, the dreary winter weather we've been having, and the fact that it's already completely dark by the time I get home in the evenings and there ya have it.
Not that I don't love the dreary winter weather. It's been grey and rainy all week (and SNOW predicted for the weekend) and it's beautiful . . . but it also makes my bed a lot more appealing than most other things.
I think it goes without saying that I completely ditched my diet this week. Sigh.
Next week should be better. The Lithium issue should be resolved today (Friday), and I know that'll help a lot with the energy thing, which will in turn make it easier to eat better and stick to my normal sleep schedule. Weeks like this, when I feel like I accomplish nothing, make me feel like crap, and I hate it. But then, I also think that I'm allowed to have an off week here and there. It happens to everyone, right?
Here's to Friday!
10.23.2013
Deep . . . Deep . . . Deep . . . Breaths
Sooooo . . . let's talk about the gigantic cluster F that is my mental health treatment right now.
There are two parts to this story, and I really can't remember what I've talked about here and what I haven't, so let's just start at the beginning.
The first part of this story is that I owe my doctor's office money that they can't legally collect from me. Basically, they're trying to do what's called "balance billing"--an illegal practice that involves charging a patient for the difference between the insurance's allowed amount for a service and what the doctor's office charges for a service. Every insurance company has what's called a fee schedule, which consists of their allowed amounts for cpt codes--in other words, every insurance company basically says, this is what we'll pay for whatever code, and this is the most our insured members can be charged for this code. Does that make sense?
So MHC does the smart thing, and links each pt. account to their specific insurance's fee schedule, so that we're already billing the allowed amount. That way we never have to do any weird additional adjustments on claims; it's very handy. But some doctor's offices bill the insurance companies their cash pay rates, which is dumb and just makes more work.
So this is what happened to me. I paid $180.40 at my visit with the crappy temp doctor. Which was all good and fine and whatever. Then around the beginning of the month-ish, I got a bill from his office for $219.60. Why? Because their charge for the cpt 99205 is $400.00, and according to them, I owed the difference between that and what I paid.
However, I work in medical billing, and not a day goes by that I don't look at the BCBS fee schedule, so I know that their allowed amount for that particular code is only about $265. Meaning that unless BCBS says that I'm not insured by them, my doctor's office legally cannot charge me more than $265 for that visit. I called them and left a voicemail saying I'd be glad to pay the difference of like $85 but that I wasn't paying a penny more than that. In return they said I needed to call my insurance because they needed records from a previous provider. Which I did, and guess what? The provider they need records from is my old doctor . . . whose records are AT THE SAME FREAKING OFFICE AS MY NEW DOCTOR. Effing ridiculous. So I may be in a pre-existing condition period at this point, which is fine, because I have a high deductible anyway so I was fully anticipating paying for the visit. But regardless of the reason that BCBS says they won't pay (unless it's for no coverage, which it won't be), I legally do not have to pay more than the allowed amount. Again, I do this for a living and I know for a fact that I'm right.
In the same voicemail as telling them I'd only pay the allowed amount I asked what was going on with my prescriptions and was told to request a refill through my pharmacy. I did that last week, and yesterday, upon calling the pharmacy to check the prescription status, I was told that the doctor had denied it. Um . . . what? The only thing I can figure is that they're denying it because of the money that I owe them, which makes me livid beyond comprehension. I called and left a voicemail (they never answer their phone) and haven't heard back yet. I'm now about a week off of my antidepressants and I am not feeling well. I'm so.freaking.mad.
Tomorrow I'm going to call BCBS (at my boss's recommendation) and let them know what's going on as far as the balance billing stuff. Insurance companies take that very seriously and they could revoke their credentialing with this particular physician if it's a regular practice. And in AZ, losing your BCBS contract means going out of business.
I also printed out the forms to file a complaint with the AZ Medical Board, and if this isn't resolved soon, those forms will be filled out and sent to Phoenix faster than this office can say "sorry, our bad."
In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to relax and keep calm and just go about my life, but it's very difficult. I can feel symptoms creeping back and I hate it more than I can say. It makes me so angry that I do everything that I'm supposed to, and that ultimately this doctor would rather make an extra $140 than give his patients proper care.
What I find really upsetting is that I only caught this error because stuff like this is my job. I wonder how many other patients who don't know anything about medical billing have just paid their balance and not thought anything of it? Incredibly depressing. Taking advantage of mentally ill patients is disgusting.
Anyway, I'm off to bed.
There are two parts to this story, and I really can't remember what I've talked about here and what I haven't, so let's just start at the beginning.
The first part of this story is that I owe my doctor's office money that they can't legally collect from me. Basically, they're trying to do what's called "balance billing"--an illegal practice that involves charging a patient for the difference between the insurance's allowed amount for a service and what the doctor's office charges for a service. Every insurance company has what's called a fee schedule, which consists of their allowed amounts for cpt codes--in other words, every insurance company basically says, this is what we'll pay for whatever code, and this is the most our insured members can be charged for this code. Does that make sense?
So MHC does the smart thing, and links each pt. account to their specific insurance's fee schedule, so that we're already billing the allowed amount. That way we never have to do any weird additional adjustments on claims; it's very handy. But some doctor's offices bill the insurance companies their cash pay rates, which is dumb and just makes more work.
So this is what happened to me. I paid $180.40 at my visit with the crappy temp doctor. Which was all good and fine and whatever. Then around the beginning of the month-ish, I got a bill from his office for $219.60. Why? Because their charge for the cpt 99205 is $400.00, and according to them, I owed the difference between that and what I paid.
However, I work in medical billing, and not a day goes by that I don't look at the BCBS fee schedule, so I know that their allowed amount for that particular code is only about $265. Meaning that unless BCBS says that I'm not insured by them, my doctor's office legally cannot charge me more than $265 for that visit. I called them and left a voicemail saying I'd be glad to pay the difference of like $85 but that I wasn't paying a penny more than that. In return they said I needed to call my insurance because they needed records from a previous provider. Which I did, and guess what? The provider they need records from is my old doctor . . . whose records are AT THE SAME FREAKING OFFICE AS MY NEW DOCTOR. Effing ridiculous. So I may be in a pre-existing condition period at this point, which is fine, because I have a high deductible anyway so I was fully anticipating paying for the visit. But regardless of the reason that BCBS says they won't pay (unless it's for no coverage, which it won't be), I legally do not have to pay more than the allowed amount. Again, I do this for a living and I know for a fact that I'm right.
In the same voicemail as telling them I'd only pay the allowed amount I asked what was going on with my prescriptions and was told to request a refill through my pharmacy. I did that last week, and yesterday, upon calling the pharmacy to check the prescription status, I was told that the doctor had denied it. Um . . . what? The only thing I can figure is that they're denying it because of the money that I owe them, which makes me livid beyond comprehension. I called and left a voicemail (they never answer their phone) and haven't heard back yet. I'm now about a week off of my antidepressants and I am not feeling well. I'm so.freaking.mad.
Tomorrow I'm going to call BCBS (at my boss's recommendation) and let them know what's going on as far as the balance billing stuff. Insurance companies take that very seriously and they could revoke their credentialing with this particular physician if it's a regular practice. And in AZ, losing your BCBS contract means going out of business.
I also printed out the forms to file a complaint with the AZ Medical Board, and if this isn't resolved soon, those forms will be filled out and sent to Phoenix faster than this office can say "sorry, our bad."
In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to relax and keep calm and just go about my life, but it's very difficult. I can feel symptoms creeping back and I hate it more than I can say. It makes me so angry that I do everything that I'm supposed to, and that ultimately this doctor would rather make an extra $140 than give his patients proper care.
What I find really upsetting is that I only caught this error because stuff like this is my job. I wonder how many other patients who don't know anything about medical billing have just paid their balance and not thought anything of it? Incredibly depressing. Taking advantage of mentally ill patients is disgusting.
Anyway, I'm off to bed.
10.20.2013
Deep Breaths
Sometimes . . . I start to feel really overwhelmed and scattered. Just by life in general.
I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days. I have a lot of things I want and need to do and I just can't seem to find the time to get to all of them, and it bothers me. A lot. And then as I don't get to things and they kind of pile up in my head, that's when the overwhelmed/scattered feelings start. I don't like it. I get to a point where I feel like I'm just kind of letting my life pass me by and as it does, all I do is work, sleep, and eat.
This feeling gets especially strong late Saturday night. That's when the holy-shit-the-weekend's-almost-over kind of stuff kicks in.
When it comes to my weekends Sundays are pretty much reserved for laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and other errand type stuff. Chores, basically. So fun stuff that I want to do, like writing and sewing and stuff, get done on Friday and Saturday. And the time just seems to FLY by and before I know it, it's time to go back to work and I feel like I've wasted a weekend doing . . . not much.
I think a lot of it is the M-F schedule. I've never had a job like that till MHC and even though I'm incredibly happy there, it's a little tough. I've been there 9 months now and in that time every single one of my co-workers has taken at least one vacation of a week or more. I'm thinking I need to do something like that soon. I don't really know how much PTO I have but . . . definitely something to think about.
I also need to talk to my doctor (or A doctor, since I don't technically have a doctor at the moment) about the potential for thyroid issues, because I still have problems that could be associated with that. I never have any energy and I sleep far more than I should on weekends; I wake up with headaches pretty frequently these days and I'm tired 90% of the time. It's endlessly frustrating. I'd be willing to bet actual money that my thyroid's screwed up--maybe just very very borderline but still--and that treatment for that would be helpful, but until my blood tests actually say something really definitively negative, it's not going to happen. Sigh.
Anyway, right now I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that there really are no deadlines in everyday life, so I'll get to all the things I want to do when I do. And that whatever physical problems I might be having will eventually get treated, because it'll eventually show up on some test or I'll find a more lenient doctor.
Deep. Breaths.
I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days. I have a lot of things I want and need to do and I just can't seem to find the time to get to all of them, and it bothers me. A lot. And then as I don't get to things and they kind of pile up in my head, that's when the overwhelmed/scattered feelings start. I don't like it. I get to a point where I feel like I'm just kind of letting my life pass me by and as it does, all I do is work, sleep, and eat.
This feeling gets especially strong late Saturday night. That's when the holy-shit-the-weekend's-almost-over kind of stuff kicks in.
When it comes to my weekends Sundays are pretty much reserved for laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and other errand type stuff. Chores, basically. So fun stuff that I want to do, like writing and sewing and stuff, get done on Friday and Saturday. And the time just seems to FLY by and before I know it, it's time to go back to work and I feel like I've wasted a weekend doing . . . not much.
I think a lot of it is the M-F schedule. I've never had a job like that till MHC and even though I'm incredibly happy there, it's a little tough. I've been there 9 months now and in that time every single one of my co-workers has taken at least one vacation of a week or more. I'm thinking I need to do something like that soon. I don't really know how much PTO I have but . . . definitely something to think about.
I also need to talk to my doctor (or A doctor, since I don't technically have a doctor at the moment) about the potential for thyroid issues, because I still have problems that could be associated with that. I never have any energy and I sleep far more than I should on weekends; I wake up with headaches pretty frequently these days and I'm tired 90% of the time. It's endlessly frustrating. I'd be willing to bet actual money that my thyroid's screwed up--maybe just very very borderline but still--and that treatment for that would be helpful, but until my blood tests actually say something really definitively negative, it's not going to happen. Sigh.
Anyway, right now I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that there really are no deadlines in everyday life, so I'll get to all the things I want to do when I do. And that whatever physical problems I might be having will eventually get treated, because it'll eventually show up on some test or I'll find a more lenient doctor.
Deep. Breaths.
9.24.2013
Sick x 2
1. I am physically sick.
I have a sinus infection and it sucks. My head has felt like it might explode from all the pressure for pretty much the last 3 days straight. Work has been hell, because I feel like I totally can't focus and every little noise makes my head hurt more. My head pounds whenever I bend over, my ears keep popping and draining, and I get dizzy when I lie down. Plus I have a cough and a sore throat. Oh, and my lymph nodes are so swollen I look like I've gained at least 10 pounds. And I haven't been to the gym since last Thursday because I don't want to pass out on the elliptical. Very frustrating. And naturally this happens when I absolutely cannot miss a day of work because the shit is hitting the fan there at the moment . . . sigh.
2. I am unmedicated.
Through no fault of my own.
Let me start by saying that when I went to my dr's appt. last week, I had a couple days of medication left. Enough to get me through the weekend. And since that POS Dr. DBag assured me that he would call in a prescription for me, when I got to Monday morning and was out of Lithium, I assumed that my pharmacy would have a prescription ready and waiting for me. Because that's what normally happens when a doctor says he'll call in a script for you. So I check on my pharmacy website, and there's no record of any script for anything from that doctor. Meaning . . . it was never called in. Meaning . . . I paid $200 and all I got for my money was the chance to rehash all the unpleasant details of my history and listen to some incredibly misogynistic theories about men and women. Granted, they didn't take the payment until Friday (payday) and it could very well be that they were holding the prescription until I paid . . . but Friday was 3 days ago now, and I can tell you from personal experience, because I run patient credit cards every single day, that it takes about 2, maybe 3 minutes to run it and post the payment. So assuming they did it Friday morning, there is absolutely zero reason for that prescription to not have been called in. I was freaking livid. And if for some reason my card didn't go through . . . why haven't I been called? I also haven't been called to schedule an appt. with the other new doctor I'm supposed to see. So needless to say, I'm not too thrilled with this office right now.
Anyway, fortunately, I had one more refill of Li from my old doctor still on file that doesn't expire til 2014, so I went ahead and requested that refill. It was supposed to be ready this afternoon but wouldn't you know it, for some reason, it isn't. In fact, according to the pharmacy website, the initial request was canceled and then another one for a slightly lower quantity is processing . . . so I don't know WTF is going on. That's going to be a fun phone call tomorrow morning.
I'm definitely starting to feel the absence of the Li. Nothing major, I can just feel my anxiety/stress level creeping up a bit. It probably wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't sick already, or if things at work weren't so insane right now. I'm hoping that my refill will be ready tomorrow. If I can get the mental aspect of health back under control I think the physical aspect will be a lot more manageable.
Sigh. I'm just so irritated by this whole freaking process. I've been cruising along just fine all this year and I don't like having a wrench thrown in it by, of all people, my doctor's office.
EDIT: My pharmacy got their shit together and I have my Lithium prescription. Thank.goodness. I'm still very unimpressed with my doctor's office, though. (9.25.13)
I have a sinus infection and it sucks. My head has felt like it might explode from all the pressure for pretty much the last 3 days straight. Work has been hell, because I feel like I totally can't focus and every little noise makes my head hurt more. My head pounds whenever I bend over, my ears keep popping and draining, and I get dizzy when I lie down. Plus I have a cough and a sore throat. Oh, and my lymph nodes are so swollen I look like I've gained at least 10 pounds. And I haven't been to the gym since last Thursday because I don't want to pass out on the elliptical. Very frustrating. And naturally this happens when I absolutely cannot miss a day of work because the shit is hitting the fan there at the moment . . . sigh.
2. I am unmedicated.
Through no fault of my own.
Let me start by saying that when I went to my dr's appt. last week, I had a couple days of medication left. Enough to get me through the weekend. And since that POS Dr. DBag assured me that he would call in a prescription for me, when I got to Monday morning and was out of Lithium, I assumed that my pharmacy would have a prescription ready and waiting for me. Because that's what normally happens when a doctor says he'll call in a script for you. So I check on my pharmacy website, and there's no record of any script for anything from that doctor. Meaning . . . it was never called in. Meaning . . . I paid $200 and all I got for my money was the chance to rehash all the unpleasant details of my history and listen to some incredibly misogynistic theories about men and women. Granted, they didn't take the payment until Friday (payday) and it could very well be that they were holding the prescription until I paid . . . but Friday was 3 days ago now, and I can tell you from personal experience, because I run patient credit cards every single day, that it takes about 2, maybe 3 minutes to run it and post the payment. So assuming they did it Friday morning, there is absolutely zero reason for that prescription to not have been called in. I was freaking livid. And if for some reason my card didn't go through . . . why haven't I been called? I also haven't been called to schedule an appt. with the other new doctor I'm supposed to see. So needless to say, I'm not too thrilled with this office right now.
Anyway, fortunately, I had one more refill of Li from my old doctor still on file that doesn't expire til 2014, so I went ahead and requested that refill. It was supposed to be ready this afternoon but wouldn't you know it, for some reason, it isn't. In fact, according to the pharmacy website, the initial request was canceled and then another one for a slightly lower quantity is processing . . . so I don't know WTF is going on. That's going to be a fun phone call tomorrow morning.
I'm definitely starting to feel the absence of the Li. Nothing major, I can just feel my anxiety/stress level creeping up a bit. It probably wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't sick already, or if things at work weren't so insane right now. I'm hoping that my refill will be ready tomorrow. If I can get the mental aspect of health back under control I think the physical aspect will be a lot more manageable.
Sigh. I'm just so irritated by this whole freaking process. I've been cruising along just fine all this year and I don't like having a wrench thrown in it by, of all people, my doctor's office.
EDIT: My pharmacy got their shit together and I have my Lithium prescription. Thank.goodness. I'm still very unimpressed with my doctor's office, though. (9.25.13)
9.19.2013
The Temp Doctor
I have come to the conclusion that there are two things in this world that I just seem to attract like a magnet: people driving the speed limit in the left hand lane of the highway, and crazy doctors.
Yesterday was my first (and only) appointment with my temporary psychiatrist. He practices out of the same office as my old doctor, and he was basically a "bridge" doctor. Dr. Wright didn't refill any of my medications in August, and I'm eventually going to start seeing Dr. Boyle, who's joining the practice in October. But that left a gap so I saw Dr. F. We'll call him that both because his last name starts with an F and because it's the letter grade I'd give him based on my visit.
It was just an odd, odd experience. He talked a lot and most of what he said I disagreed with or felt like it had absolutely zero relevance to me. For example, when I talked about having been in a relationship with Jerbs, Dr. F went off on a ridiculously long tangent about how women can never be emotionally fulfilled by men because men are literally incapable of listening and connecting emotionally women; according to Dr. F women only marry men in order to have children but that in doing so, they sacrifice ever being emotionally fulfilled. He said that biologically speaking women have to have close female friends and that his marriage has been successful because his wife is "permitted" to have her girlfriends. He said the stone ages were easier when men went off together and hunted and women banded together to raise the kids.
I pointed out that I have no desire for kids and he reassured me that was just because of my past. Mmmk.
He also said that my and Jerbs' breakup was completely my fault and that I need a man who's older than me, not younger like Corey is. He also kind of insinuated a couple times that Corey used my "past" against me, and I found myself coming to Corey's defense because that is just the farthest thing from the truth. And defending my ex wasn't something I expected to be doing during this whole thing.
It was very frustrating. I left feeling . . . offended. Almost violated in a way. My next appointment will be with Dr. Boyle, but it hasn't been scheduled yet. It just felt like a waste of time to see Dr. F at all because I'm pretty sure I still had a Li refill from Dr. Wright. Waste of time and money.
I know that some of the way I felt about it was me, too. I had to tell him my whole story, from the beginning. All the hard, painful, yucky details. And even though I don't mind telling people I'm bipolar and talking about recovery in general terms, I don't really like talking about. I want to take my 5 pills a day and completely forget that I'm bipolar past that. So of course rehashing it was sucky. (And I'll get to do it again in a month or so with the new doctor! Yay!)
I'm just glad it's over and done with. And glad that I don't have to go back to Dr. F.
Yesterday was my first (and only) appointment with my temporary psychiatrist. He practices out of the same office as my old doctor, and he was basically a "bridge" doctor. Dr. Wright didn't refill any of my medications in August, and I'm eventually going to start seeing Dr. Boyle, who's joining the practice in October. But that left a gap so I saw Dr. F. We'll call him that both because his last name starts with an F and because it's the letter grade I'd give him based on my visit.
It was just an odd, odd experience. He talked a lot and most of what he said I disagreed with or felt like it had absolutely zero relevance to me. For example, when I talked about having been in a relationship with Jerbs, Dr. F went off on a ridiculously long tangent about how women can never be emotionally fulfilled by men because men are literally incapable of listening and connecting emotionally women; according to Dr. F women only marry men in order to have children but that in doing so, they sacrifice ever being emotionally fulfilled. He said that biologically speaking women have to have close female friends and that his marriage has been successful because his wife is "permitted" to have her girlfriends. He said the stone ages were easier when men went off together and hunted and women banded together to raise the kids.
I pointed out that I have no desire for kids and he reassured me that was just because of my past. Mmmk.
He also said that my and Jerbs' breakup was completely my fault and that I need a man who's older than me, not younger like Corey is. He also kind of insinuated a couple times that Corey used my "past" against me, and I found myself coming to Corey's defense because that is just the farthest thing from the truth. And defending my ex wasn't something I expected to be doing during this whole thing.
It was very frustrating. I left feeling . . . offended. Almost violated in a way. My next appointment will be with Dr. Boyle, but it hasn't been scheduled yet. It just felt like a waste of time to see Dr. F at all because I'm pretty sure I still had a Li refill from Dr. Wright. Waste of time and money.
I know that some of the way I felt about it was me, too. I had to tell him my whole story, from the beginning. All the hard, painful, yucky details. And even though I don't mind telling people I'm bipolar and talking about recovery in general terms, I don't really like talking about. I want to take my 5 pills a day and completely forget that I'm bipolar past that. So of course rehashing it was sucky. (And I'll get to do it again in a month or so with the new doctor! Yay!)
I'm just glad it's over and done with. And glad that I don't have to go back to Dr. F.
9.07.2013
Today Sucked
Today was just one of *those* days. In the bad way. It just flat out sucked. No other way to say it.
(This is your official TMI warning. I'm going to talk about my lady part issues in a second).
First, I'm on my period. Which basically means this whole past week was bad what with PMSing. This particular cycle's symptoms have been some weepiness and exhaustion. Seriously, this whole past week, no matter how much sleep I got/how well I slept, I was just too tired to get much done. Work was miserable and I hardly got to work out (and I did OK diet wise and I really wanted to exercise). So just . . . yeah. I was most definitely looking forward to the weekend.
Which brings us to today.
I woke up earlier than intended thanks to vicious cramps, and by the time they faded (after I took an obscene amount of ibuprofen), it was too late to go back to sleep. So I thought whatever, and got dressed, because I needed to go to the bank.
In the process of leaving the house I grabbed my purse and discovered that one of the cats had pooped in it during the night. IN my purse. IN it. And it was runny. And it was all over basically everything in my purse. I had to throw out the purse, my wallet, my daily pill thingy, two tubes of chapstick, a couple of hair clips, and a whole bunch of receipts. Needless to say I was not thrilled. At all. I fought the urge to throw said cat off of our balcony. (Note: I dug out one of my old purses and am using it for now, and Jenny bought me new chapstick and a new wallet).
I got home from the bank and change into a pair of sweats that were lying on the floor of my closet, and they were covered in cat pee. (Seriously, the cats here hate me).
Picked Jerbs up from work and went to PetSmart to buy spray refill for Max's no bark collar. For whatever reason the spray refills are locked up with the bark collars so you have to have a manager get it out for you. Well, I had a cashier page someone over once, we waited about ten minutes, then Jerbs asked her to call again, and we waiting about 15 more minutes. By that point I'd absolutely had it (customer service is NOT THAT DIFFICULT), so I told the cashier we were still waiting, to just forget about sending someone over, and that we'd be going to PetCo. She apologized and I flat out told her it was their loss. Which makes me sound bitchy, I know, but I don't screw around with bad customer service BS anymore. (And we did go to PetCo, where we got the spray in like 5 minutes, and found a killer deal on cat litter. Plus Max was ecstatic that he got to go to TWO stores in one day, so that was good).
While I was out and about with my emergency replacement purse, my water bottle leaked in it, soaking my phone and keys and debit card . . . so freaking annoying.
We got home and I was showing Jerbs how wedge make up sponges work and I inadvertently rubbed my eye with one she'd had in her mouth. So I got Jerbs spit on my face. Lovely. Why she was chewing on it I have no idea.
And finally, a little while ago, I went to the bathroom and was going to remove my nail polish while I peed (I don't care if anyone thinks that's gross or judges me, peeing is boring and I like multi-tasking, K?) So I had the nail polish remover, open, on the edge of the tub, and I flushed the toilet because there was tissue with make up on it in there. And the toilet overflowed, and by the time I was able to grab the plunger the bathroom had mostly flooded. AND in trying to get to said plunger I knocked over the nail polish remover which spilled on one of the rugs. Now tomorrow I get to wash a big load of towels and rugs along with my normal laundry. Fabulous.
So yeah. I'm about done.
And with that in mind, I am going to go to bed, and get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow will be a better, more productive day.
Seriously, though, Saturdays aren't supposed to suck.
(This is your official TMI warning. I'm going to talk about my lady part issues in a second).
First, I'm on my period. Which basically means this whole past week was bad what with PMSing. This particular cycle's symptoms have been some weepiness and exhaustion. Seriously, this whole past week, no matter how much sleep I got/how well I slept, I was just too tired to get much done. Work was miserable and I hardly got to work out (and I did OK diet wise and I really wanted to exercise). So just . . . yeah. I was most definitely looking forward to the weekend.
Which brings us to today.
I woke up earlier than intended thanks to vicious cramps, and by the time they faded (after I took an obscene amount of ibuprofen), it was too late to go back to sleep. So I thought whatever, and got dressed, because I needed to go to the bank.
In the process of leaving the house I grabbed my purse and discovered that one of the cats had pooped in it during the night. IN my purse. IN it. And it was runny. And it was all over basically everything in my purse. I had to throw out the purse, my wallet, my daily pill thingy, two tubes of chapstick, a couple of hair clips, and a whole bunch of receipts. Needless to say I was not thrilled. At all. I fought the urge to throw said cat off of our balcony. (Note: I dug out one of my old purses and am using it for now, and Jenny bought me new chapstick and a new wallet).
I got home from the bank and change into a pair of sweats that were lying on the floor of my closet, and they were covered in cat pee. (Seriously, the cats here hate me).
Picked Jerbs up from work and went to PetSmart to buy spray refill for Max's no bark collar. For whatever reason the spray refills are locked up with the bark collars so you have to have a manager get it out for you. Well, I had a cashier page someone over once, we waited about ten minutes, then Jerbs asked her to call again, and we waiting about 15 more minutes. By that point I'd absolutely had it (customer service is NOT THAT DIFFICULT), so I told the cashier we were still waiting, to just forget about sending someone over, and that we'd be going to PetCo. She apologized and I flat out told her it was their loss. Which makes me sound bitchy, I know, but I don't screw around with bad customer service BS anymore. (And we did go to PetCo, where we got the spray in like 5 minutes, and found a killer deal on cat litter. Plus Max was ecstatic that he got to go to TWO stores in one day, so that was good).
While I was out and about with my emergency replacement purse, my water bottle leaked in it, soaking my phone and keys and debit card . . . so freaking annoying.
We got home and I was showing Jerbs how wedge make up sponges work and I inadvertently rubbed my eye with one she'd had in her mouth. So I got Jerbs spit on my face. Lovely. Why she was chewing on it I have no idea.
And finally, a little while ago, I went to the bathroom and was going to remove my nail polish while I peed (I don't care if anyone thinks that's gross or judges me, peeing is boring and I like multi-tasking, K?) So I had the nail polish remover, open, on the edge of the tub, and I flushed the toilet because there was tissue with make up on it in there. And the toilet overflowed, and by the time I was able to grab the plunger the bathroom had mostly flooded. AND in trying to get to said plunger I knocked over the nail polish remover which spilled on one of the rugs. Now tomorrow I get to wash a big load of towels and rugs along with my normal laundry. Fabulous.
So yeah. I'm about done.
And with that in mind, I am going to go to bed, and get a good night's sleep, and tomorrow will be a better, more productive day.
Seriously, though, Saturdays aren't supposed to suck.
7.06.2013
So This Happened
So Wednesday. July 3rd. I'm sitting at my desk at work. Late in the afternoon, almost time to go home, bored out of my mind because all my work was finished. I hear my phone vibrate in my desk and since I'm so bored I decide to check it and see who texted me.
And it's Ex-Fiance, texting me something about how when the rental company in Kingman gave him a check for the security deposit on our old house, they put both our names on it, and would I be willing to go with him to cash it. I didn't text him back because I was a little . . . I don't know, surprised. It threw me to see his number on my phone because it's been almost a year since I heard from him and now this when I was totally and completely not expecting it. I assumed he meant he'd be in town at some future date--like next week, maybe--and he wanted me to go with him then.
So then I go home and to my surprise, he's here. At my house, hanging out with Jerbs like it's no big fucking deal, like he has every right to just show up unannounced because he needs a favor, like "and I'm at your house waiting for you so we can do it now" wouldn't have been pertinent information to include in the text he sent me. I was too surprised to be mad at the time but in retrospect . . . yeah, I'm a little pissed off.
He was here for a couple hours. We tried to do the check thing, which didn't work out, which unfortunately means that I still have to be involved in this bullshit, but whatever. We had dinner, with Jerbs, not just us, and then he left, for Chinle, which is where he moved to after the school year ended. I wasn't really surprised to know that. We talked about a lot of nothing. And it was weird and it was awkward and I'm still kind of processing that this even happened.
We never talked about us, and one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I've ever done in my life was to sit across from him chatting like friends and pretending that was all there'd ever been between us. That we'd never lived together or planned a life together or . . . anything else. It hurt. But at the same time it didn't. I don't know . . . I think most of what's come to mind since this little visit is meant for private journaling but I wanted to vent some of it to the universe, I suppose.
It was just such a bizarre and confusing experience. I hadn't really been thinking about him much and this brought back a lot of things, and the end result is not what I'd have expected. Suffice it to say that since he left I've just kind of had a lot on my mind.
And it's Ex-Fiance, texting me something about how when the rental company in Kingman gave him a check for the security deposit on our old house, they put both our names on it, and would I be willing to go with him to cash it. I didn't text him back because I was a little . . . I don't know, surprised. It threw me to see his number on my phone because it's been almost a year since I heard from him and now this when I was totally and completely not expecting it. I assumed he meant he'd be in town at some future date--like next week, maybe--and he wanted me to go with him then.
So then I go home and to my surprise, he's here. At my house, hanging out with Jerbs like it's no big fucking deal, like he has every right to just show up unannounced because he needs a favor, like "and I'm at your house waiting for you so we can do it now" wouldn't have been pertinent information to include in the text he sent me. I was too surprised to be mad at the time but in retrospect . . . yeah, I'm a little pissed off.
He was here for a couple hours. We tried to do the check thing, which didn't work out, which unfortunately means that I still have to be involved in this bullshit, but whatever. We had dinner, with Jerbs, not just us, and then he left, for Chinle, which is where he moved to after the school year ended. I wasn't really surprised to know that. We talked about a lot of nothing. And it was weird and it was awkward and I'm still kind of processing that this even happened.
We never talked about us, and one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I've ever done in my life was to sit across from him chatting like friends and pretending that was all there'd ever been between us. That we'd never lived together or planned a life together or . . . anything else. It hurt. But at the same time it didn't. I don't know . . . I think most of what's come to mind since this little visit is meant for private journaling but I wanted to vent some of it to the universe, I suppose.
It was just such a bizarre and confusing experience. I hadn't really been thinking about him much and this brought back a lot of things, and the end result is not what I'd have expected. Suffice it to say that since he left I've just kind of had a lot on my mind.
4.29.2013
That's What I Get For Asking What The Odds Were
My thyroid is fine.
Completely, 100% fine. Well within normal range on both TSH and T4. Everything else about me is fine too: glucose, iron, anemia test, and EKG, all normal. All "perfect" according to the hack at North Country.
So basically, what we know is that I'm in excellent health except for the small fact that I'm too tired to function and I'm a full 15 pounds heavier than I was two weeks ago.
Y'know, no biggie. It's not like I need to, y'know, live or anything. I can totally just sleep for the rest of my life. Sure.
Needless to say I'm a little pissed.
Let's start at the beginning. On Sunday I checked my voicemails and there was one from NCHC, from the 25th, left a couple hours after I called and bitched and yelled and got a follow up appointment. I don't know how I missed the call, but regardless, it was an MA saying that the hack had finally gone over my labs and that they were all normal. I considered not even bothering with the appointment but those tests were done 2 months ago when I had no symptoms so I figured I'd go and see what happened.
This stupid bitch refused to re-test either the TSH or the T4, and she insisted that there is absolutely 100% no way that my levels could have changed in the two months since those tests were done. She did, however, run a quick glucose test, an anemia test, and for some reason, an EKG, all of which were totally normal. The best she could suggest is that it's depression . . . without any other depressive symptoms. She was like, "Have you lost interest in the things you enjoy?" And I said that no, I haven't lost interest, I just don't have the energy to do them at the moment. She said we should consider Lithium toxicity and I was like, are you effing kidding me? Do you think I don't know the symptoms of Lithium toxicity? My psychiatrist has hammered them into my head at every freaking visit I've ever had with him so I know what to watch out for and I do.
My favorite part, though, was the repeated insinuation that I'm lying about my sexual history. At my first visit with the hack, she suggested a couple times I have an STD screening, which believe me, I do not need. Even remotely. Today she flat out said I could be HIV+ and I should consider being tested . . . even after I told her several times that I wasn't interested in STD testing. I was so fucking offended. I can't even . . . good lord, I can't even tell you. And I could just tell she thought I was lying, which I know happens, but it definitely wasn't the case here. It was very upsetting. And then she did a urine dip to check for sugars and proteins and all that, and she fucking had a pregnancy test run as well. Without telling me she was going to do that, which is fairly illegal, and also totally pointless. She was like, well, you're not pregnant! No fucking shit Sherlock!
So I guess at this point the next step is to talk to my psychiatrist about possibly adjusting my AD dosage (the hack didn't understand why I was on such a low dose and I was like, hello, bipolar?)
The good news is that I bitched enough to not get charged for today. So go me.
I'm really disappointed, because I missed 3.5 hours of work for nothing, and I was really sure I'd walk away with an answer and a solution, and instead, I still feel like shit and I have no idea what to do about it.
Maybe the hack is right and it is a depressive episode. I mean, it's possible, I guess. Maybe I'm just not sleeping well . . . there are some issues with that right now but as far as I'd thought, it wasn't that significant so . . . who knows. Maybe I just have had a touch of the flu or something, or maybe it's a mono flair up.
I just know that right now I'm flat out dreading just living because I'm so fucking miserable.
Completely, 100% fine. Well within normal range on both TSH and T4. Everything else about me is fine too: glucose, iron, anemia test, and EKG, all normal. All "perfect" according to the hack at North Country.
So basically, what we know is that I'm in excellent health except for the small fact that I'm too tired to function and I'm a full 15 pounds heavier than I was two weeks ago.
Y'know, no biggie. It's not like I need to, y'know, live or anything. I can totally just sleep for the rest of my life. Sure.
Needless to say I'm a little pissed.
Let's start at the beginning. On Sunday I checked my voicemails and there was one from NCHC, from the 25th, left a couple hours after I called and bitched and yelled and got a follow up appointment. I don't know how I missed the call, but regardless, it was an MA saying that the hack had finally gone over my labs and that they were all normal. I considered not even bothering with the appointment but those tests were done 2 months ago when I had no symptoms so I figured I'd go and see what happened.
This stupid bitch refused to re-test either the TSH or the T4, and she insisted that there is absolutely 100% no way that my levels could have changed in the two months since those tests were done. She did, however, run a quick glucose test, an anemia test, and for some reason, an EKG, all of which were totally normal. The best she could suggest is that it's depression . . . without any other depressive symptoms. She was like, "Have you lost interest in the things you enjoy?" And I said that no, I haven't lost interest, I just don't have the energy to do them at the moment. She said we should consider Lithium toxicity and I was like, are you effing kidding me? Do you think I don't know the symptoms of Lithium toxicity? My psychiatrist has hammered them into my head at every freaking visit I've ever had with him so I know what to watch out for and I do.
My favorite part, though, was the repeated insinuation that I'm lying about my sexual history. At my first visit with the hack, she suggested a couple times I have an STD screening, which believe me, I do not need. Even remotely. Today she flat out said I could be HIV+ and I should consider being tested . . . even after I told her several times that I wasn't interested in STD testing. I was so fucking offended. I can't even . . . good lord, I can't even tell you. And I could just tell she thought I was lying, which I know happens, but it definitely wasn't the case here. It was very upsetting. And then she did a urine dip to check for sugars and proteins and all that, and she fucking had a pregnancy test run as well. Without telling me she was going to do that, which is fairly illegal, and also totally pointless. She was like, well, you're not pregnant! No fucking shit Sherlock!
So I guess at this point the next step is to talk to my psychiatrist about possibly adjusting my AD dosage (the hack didn't understand why I was on such a low dose and I was like, hello, bipolar?)
The good news is that I bitched enough to not get charged for today. So go me.
I'm really disappointed, because I missed 3.5 hours of work for nothing, and I was really sure I'd walk away with an answer and a solution, and instead, I still feel like shit and I have no idea what to do about it.
Maybe the hack is right and it is a depressive episode. I mean, it's possible, I guess. Maybe I'm just not sleeping well . . . there are some issues with that right now but as far as I'd thought, it wasn't that significant so . . . who knows. Maybe I just have had a touch of the flu or something, or maybe it's a mono flair up.
I just know that right now I'm flat out dreading just living because I'm so fucking miserable.
4.28.2013
Frustrations, Time Travel, Etc.
So this thyroid thing is getting really, really annoying.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
4.12.2013
Up and Down and Back Up and Back Down
That's how this week was.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
3.28.2013
5 Little Pills and Bitter, Bitter Regret
Did you know that I take 5 pills a day?
Four of them are Lithium, 300mg apiece; I take two in the morning when I get to work and two at night before I go to bed. The fifth is Paxil, 10mg, and I take it in the morning with my first Lithium dose. The Lithium pills are a little bigger than a 200mg ibuprofen tablet, and the Paxil is tiny. None of them are hard to swallow. None of them taste bad. None of them make me sick or sleepy or anything like that.
Taking them is easy.
Five little pills. That's all it takes for me to be normal. To be well. To be healthy. To be functional. Just five little pills.
It is amazing to think that's all that was standing between me and mental health. Well, that and a little willpower on my part, but the medicine took the edge off the sickness enough that I was able to find that willpower, if that makes sense. At any rate, I feel like medication has been the foundation of my treatment.
I am glad to know that. I am. I am happy to know that I do need this for treatment, and that it really does work when I do what I'm supposed to. I am happy to know that getting better was possible.
But at the same time knowing that fills me with a bitter, bitter regret, because if I'd done it sooner, things probably would have worked out between Ex-Fiance and me. And I feel so incredibly stupid for not being able to get my shit together then. I look at it now and I think, five little pills to save a relationship with a wonderful man I love (and yes, the present tense is intentional), five little pills for someone to come home to every night and wake up to every morning, for a marriage and a happily ever after. Taking five pills a day seems like an absurdly small sacrifice in comparison to what I gave up. It kills me to know that if I'd just done this from the beginning, if I'd just done something this simple when I first had the opportunity, I might be somewhere completely different now. It just kills me.
There are no words for how badly I want a second chance. No words for how incredibly sorry I am for throwing away what I had. I would give anything for the opportunity to see what love feels like now because there is no doubt in my mind that it would work the way we wanted it to in the beginning.
Four of them are Lithium, 300mg apiece; I take two in the morning when I get to work and two at night before I go to bed. The fifth is Paxil, 10mg, and I take it in the morning with my first Lithium dose. The Lithium pills are a little bigger than a 200mg ibuprofen tablet, and the Paxil is tiny. None of them are hard to swallow. None of them taste bad. None of them make me sick or sleepy or anything like that.
Taking them is easy.
Five little pills. That's all it takes for me to be normal. To be well. To be healthy. To be functional. Just five little pills.
It is amazing to think that's all that was standing between me and mental health. Well, that and a little willpower on my part, but the medicine took the edge off the sickness enough that I was able to find that willpower, if that makes sense. At any rate, I feel like medication has been the foundation of my treatment.
I am glad to know that. I am. I am happy to know that I do need this for treatment, and that it really does work when I do what I'm supposed to. I am happy to know that getting better was possible.
But at the same time knowing that fills me with a bitter, bitter regret, because if I'd done it sooner, things probably would have worked out between Ex-Fiance and me. And I feel so incredibly stupid for not being able to get my shit together then. I look at it now and I think, five little pills to save a relationship with a wonderful man I love (and yes, the present tense is intentional), five little pills for someone to come home to every night and wake up to every morning, for a marriage and a happily ever after. Taking five pills a day seems like an absurdly small sacrifice in comparison to what I gave up. It kills me to know that if I'd just done this from the beginning, if I'd just done something this simple when I first had the opportunity, I might be somewhere completely different now. It just kills me.
There are no words for how badly I want a second chance. No words for how incredibly sorry I am for throwing away what I had. I would give anything for the opportunity to see what love feels like now because there is no doubt in my mind that it would work the way we wanted it to in the beginning.
1.12.2013
Worst. Workout. Ever.
Remember how I mentioned it's freaking cold as crap out at the moment?
Well, it still is. And this afternoon my thought process was going something like this: it is way too cold to go work out today . . . but I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and I really want to . . . but do I really feel like walking all that way in this? . . . but this is probably the warmest it'll be today so it's now or never, I should just suck it up and go . . .
So I did. I put on my workout clothes (leggings, tank top, sports bra, etc). Then I put on another pair of sweats over my leggings and a long sleeved shirt over my tank top. Then I put on my big winter coat, my hat, and my gloves. Make sure all the stuff I need (iPod, earbuds, water, hair tie) is in my bag and off I go. Trekked over to the workout room, stripped down to my actual workout clothes, and hopped on the machine. And in my head I'm like, damn, I'm awesome today, go me.
Then wouldn't you know it, my freaking iPod is dead. And that's weird, because I am really anal about my iPod--I charged it yesterday and the battery was full, and when I put it in my bag, I make sure it's turned off and locked so that it can't accidentally turn on and drain the battery. I was ticked, but at the same time, I was like, I walked all the way over here, I'm going to work out. I did attempt to turn the TV on, but I could only find 3 channels (GAC, the NAU channel, and something else . . . can't remember what), so I gave up and worked out in silence. I did manage 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is less than I wanted but considering the cold, how crappy I feel because my Lithium levels are low, and no distraction to make the work out more bearable . . . well, I'm patting myself on the back!
I did my 20 minutes in 10 minute chunks. Right before I started my second 10 minutes, this couple came into the workout room. And I admit that I'm still kind of in that mindset of going bleeeeccchhh every time I see a cutesy couple. They each took a treadmill, and he was in front of her. Before he started his workout he looked back, said, "Hey," and blew her a kiss when she looked up. So I was like even more bleeeeechhhh. (And Corey used to blow me kisses all the time . . . at church, during orchestra, during bells, when we were driving, etc). Not. Pleasant.
I can't wait to join a real gym. Seriously, can't freaking wait.
Well, it still is. And this afternoon my thought process was going something like this: it is way too cold to go work out today . . . but I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and I really want to . . . but do I really feel like walking all that way in this? . . . but this is probably the warmest it'll be today so it's now or never, I should just suck it up and go . . .
So I did. I put on my workout clothes (leggings, tank top, sports bra, etc). Then I put on another pair of sweats over my leggings and a long sleeved shirt over my tank top. Then I put on my big winter coat, my hat, and my gloves. Make sure all the stuff I need (iPod, earbuds, water, hair tie) is in my bag and off I go. Trekked over to the workout room, stripped down to my actual workout clothes, and hopped on the machine. And in my head I'm like, damn, I'm awesome today, go me.
Then wouldn't you know it, my freaking iPod is dead. And that's weird, because I am really anal about my iPod--I charged it yesterday and the battery was full, and when I put it in my bag, I make sure it's turned off and locked so that it can't accidentally turn on and drain the battery. I was ticked, but at the same time, I was like, I walked all the way over here, I'm going to work out. I did attempt to turn the TV on, but I could only find 3 channels (GAC, the NAU channel, and something else . . . can't remember what), so I gave up and worked out in silence. I did manage 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is less than I wanted but considering the cold, how crappy I feel because my Lithium levels are low, and no distraction to make the work out more bearable . . . well, I'm patting myself on the back!
I did my 20 minutes in 10 minute chunks. Right before I started my second 10 minutes, this couple came into the workout room. And I admit that I'm still kind of in that mindset of going bleeeeccchhh every time I see a cutesy couple. They each took a treadmill, and he was in front of her. Before he started his workout he looked back, said, "Hey," and blew her a kiss when she looked up. So I was like even more bleeeeechhhh. (And Corey used to blow me kisses all the time . . . at church, during orchestra, during bells, when we were driving, etc). Not. Pleasant.
I can't wait to join a real gym. Seriously, can't freaking wait.
1.05.2013
Unmedicated & Miserable
Due to a set of circumstances (some out of my control, some not) I am currently unmedicated.
Basically, I was supposed to get lab work done back in October/November. Before I could, I accidentally threw out my lab orders (I am a genius). I called my doctor a few times, and since his receptionist NEVER answers the phone, I left messages, asking him to please fax the lab orders to Staples. I left the fax # a few times and the orders never came. And then I got distracted by the holidays and all that so . . . yeah. I called the office yesterday morning and left another message along the same lines, and Jerbs overheard me and promptly informed me that I'd been reversing two of the numbers in the fax number . . . which explained why I'd never gotten a fax from my doctor in November. So I called back with the right number (also via message) and hopefully when Jerbs goes back to work tomorrow the fax will be waiting for her so I can get my labs done. Because no labs=no refills on my Lithium, which is why I'm currently out. I requested a refill online hoping that I could maybe get some before I get the labs done, but that's unlikely. Worse case scenario I'll have to wait until my next Dr.'s appt. on the 16th to get meds.
Anyway, I am freaking miserable. I just feel like crap. It's started to get really bad over the past couple of days. I can feel my mind getting manic, I can feel myself panicking over little things, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I have headaches, the tension in my forehead has come back with a vengeance, the little OCD things I have are getting worse, I'm getting progressively more irritable . . . it sucks. Suuuuucks. I'm struggling just to get through the days right now and I really, really hate it. Jerbs has commented that she's noticed a significant change in me.
I can't believe I used to live like this. I can't believe this used to be my normal. Every time I lapse in treatment I realize how much the treatment is helping me. I'm very, very angry at myself that this lapse has happened, but . . . I honestly tried, and I know that there's nothing about it that was deliberate. It's just frustrating.
Hopefully this will be the last lapse. That's my goal, anyhow. Once I get my Li refill this month, I am NOT going to let my treatment drop again.
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EDIT 01/06: Amazing how things work when you give people the correct information! My lab order was waiting for Jerbs at Staples today. I'm going to make like 7 copies of it so that I always have a backup! So that's one hurdle cleared . . . now I have to figure out the financial part . . . yikes.
Basically, I was supposed to get lab work done back in October/November. Before I could, I accidentally threw out my lab orders (I am a genius). I called my doctor a few times, and since his receptionist NEVER answers the phone, I left messages, asking him to please fax the lab orders to Staples. I left the fax # a few times and the orders never came. And then I got distracted by the holidays and all that so . . . yeah. I called the office yesterday morning and left another message along the same lines, and Jerbs overheard me and promptly informed me that I'd been reversing two of the numbers in the fax number . . . which explained why I'd never gotten a fax from my doctor in November. So I called back with the right number (also via message) and hopefully when Jerbs goes back to work tomorrow the fax will be waiting for her so I can get my labs done. Because no labs=no refills on my Lithium, which is why I'm currently out. I requested a refill online hoping that I could maybe get some before I get the labs done, but that's unlikely. Worse case scenario I'll have to wait until my next Dr.'s appt. on the 16th to get meds.
Anyway, I am freaking miserable. I just feel like crap. It's started to get really bad over the past couple of days. I can feel my mind getting manic, I can feel myself panicking over little things, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I have headaches, the tension in my forehead has come back with a vengeance, the little OCD things I have are getting worse, I'm getting progressively more irritable . . . it sucks. Suuuuucks. I'm struggling just to get through the days right now and I really, really hate it. Jerbs has commented that she's noticed a significant change in me.
I can't believe I used to live like this. I can't believe this used to be my normal. Every time I lapse in treatment I realize how much the treatment is helping me. I'm very, very angry at myself that this lapse has happened, but . . . I honestly tried, and I know that there's nothing about it that was deliberate. It's just frustrating.
Hopefully this will be the last lapse. That's my goal, anyhow. Once I get my Li refill this month, I am NOT going to let my treatment drop again.
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EDIT 01/06: Amazing how things work when you give people the correct information! My lab order was waiting for Jerbs at Staples today. I'm going to make like 7 copies of it so that I always have a backup! So that's one hurdle cleared . . . now I have to figure out the financial part . . . yikes.
12.13.2012
Sometimes I Just Want to Rip Out My Hair
Today was one of those days. Just one of those days where I woke up in a fine mood but at some point shortly after I was awake, my mood started to go downhill.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
First of all, I haven't heard anything back from the job I interviewed for on Monday, so I'm assuming I didn't get it. I'm disappointed, irritated, sad . . . I had gotten my hopes up (as usual). I just don't understand what it was about me that made them decide to choose someone else, y'know? It's aggravating. And I don't know what to do. I feel totally helpless. I went to this interview, I did my best, and it still came to nothing. I worry that I'll never get hired anywhere, and I think of all the things I need money for, like my student loans and medical treatment and groceries. I've been having anxiety attacks about all of this and it gets harder and harder to believe that things are going to work out and more and more I lose sight of where I want to get. More and more I just stop caring, and it's frustrating.
Today after we ate we went to WalMart and I nearly got hit by a car. Like legitimately nearly got hit. This woman wasn't watching as she turned and probably came within 3 inches of me. I was livid. She rolled down her window and apologized and even though she sounded sincere all I could say was whatever, and then I made a deliberately loud comment to Jerbs as we walked away about how we were invisible that day.
And of course Christmas has exploded everywhere you go and that's not helping anything, so while we were at WalMart I just suddenly wanted to cry. And throw things. I was just so overwhelmed by sadness and anger that I could hardly breathe.
My mind just spiraled downward. All I could think of was how pathetic and useless my life is. I'm 27, unemployed, in debt, sleeping on my ex girlfriend's floor, friendless (I have no friends outside of Jerbs, it's fucking pathetic), car-less, broke . . . I just felt like such a loser. Such a failure. So full of hatred for my life.
And then I thought of Corey and I just couldn't help but feel like he's the one who put me here. He sacrificed me for his own happiness, and given how things have gone for me . . . He cared--and cares--more about himself than me. That was probably true throughout the relationship. But those thoughts--that sense of having such a horrible life (because sometimes my life does feel really horrible) and feeling like one person is mostly to blame is crippling. I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like. Anger, helplessness (in the sense that I can't do anything to him for revenge, that he'll never feel even remotely guilty for anything he's done), sadness, betrayal . . . it's horrible. Horrible. I can honestly say that I have not felt like that since September, after that awful trip to Kingman.
I know that the best revenge is to get better, to BE better. But then you go back to the earlier thoughts about everything and I feel like it's pretty clear that I can't get completely better. Mentally healthy, sure, but the rest of my life is still always going to suck.
I'm a bit better now--I'm calmer, at least--but still, it was a hard day.
12.01.2012
Blah With A Side Of Strange Thoughts
I've been feeling blah lately. I think a good chunk of it is being unemployed. I've filled out about 5 applications this week and sent my resume to one place so hopefully something will come along soon. I just hate it. I feel like a loser and that, in turn, makes me not want to do anything except check Facebook, blog stalk, and watch DWTS clips on YouTube. Then, only doing those things with my day makes me feel even more like a loser so . . . vicious cycle.
Speaking of cycles, my sleep schedule is beyond screwed up right now. It started a few nights ago when I got hit with a bad night of insomnia. Like didn't go to bed til 6 AM bad. I've tried to get it back on track by taking a sleeping pill to go to bed early, but that didn't even work. Which is strange because usually sleeping pills knock me out. I think it's because of the bed situation. I'm still sleeping on the floor and it pretty much sucks. It wasn't so bad at first but now . . . not so much. I go in Jerbs' bed when she leaves for work, but since that's early morning, I basically have to sleep til early evening to feel rested, y'know? Jenny offers to trade beds with me on other nights and a couple times I've accepted, but I think I have a mental block about it--like I think I feel guilty sleeping in her bed while she sleeps on the floor. Hopefully I'll find a cheap bed soon. Of course then there's an issue of transportation since you can't really bring a mattress and box spring on the bus . . . guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Another issue is that I can't seem to get rested with a normal amount of sleep . . . I used to be good on 6 hours, 8 at the most . . . now I seem to need at least ten to be even remotely ready to move. (This could be a bed thing, again, because honestly I've never had a decent bed up here in Flag . . . so that could be it).
I also have a habit of worrying about things back home that's been kicking up lately. When either of my parents calls me and is having a bad day it's all I can think about for awhile . . . just me, I guess, because I've always done that. And ultimately, I know that things could be a lot worse.
So basically I took this past week off. I didn't do any laundry or clean the house or really much of anything. Just some job apps and I started working on a short story. That's about it. I would really like to kick my ass into gear this coming week and at least accomplish something--like getting the house clean and working out.
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I love Dancing With the Stars--which I've mentioned on here before--but when Corey and I moved to Kingman, we didn't get cable. Corey didn't really see the point of it and since he was the one paying for all of that kind of stuff, I didn't fight him on it. Eventually we got NetFlix but never cable. So I missed two seasons of DWTS. Well, most of 2 seasons, since every now and then I'd catch an episode at my mom's. So I've been watching dances from the seasons I missed online.
I was watching a clip of the season before last's group dances, and there were some parts that were vaguely familiar. Then I noticed that the original air date was Halloween 2011. And it hit me that it had been on at my mom's house last Halloween, and that I'd been watching it in between handing out candy with Corey. And I just . . . I remembered that night. With him.
If it had happened a month ago, I'd have cried. Or at least felt nostalgic and lonely and like something was missing from my life. And I'd have wondered if I should call Corey and blah blah blah. But I really didn't feel that. (In fact, I watched the dancers and thought, damn, that Irish one is hot).
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