I am just in a funk lately.
Right now, everything just feels broken and empty and I can't figure out why or how to fix it.
I'm at a loss.
11.23.2014
11.09.2014
My Poor Neglected Little Blog
I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.
I'm just so busy lately. Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing. (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible. I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).
There's really not a lot to talk about, though.
Work is work. This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better. We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there. I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.
My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day. I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise. I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks. At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it. I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out. (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).
The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with) came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game. It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun. And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones. I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games. It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends. The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex. So much nostalgia, for so many things.
Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience. I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to. I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker. I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged. Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons. My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful. Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas. But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman. I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again. And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.
It's really pointless to think all that. What's done is done. I know my family loves me. I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better. Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.
I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.
I'm just so busy lately. Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing. (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible. I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).
There's really not a lot to talk about, though.
Work is work. This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better. We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there. I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.
My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day. I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise. I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks. At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it. I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out. (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).
The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with) came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game. It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun. And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones. I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games. It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends. The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex. So much nostalgia, for so many things.
Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience. I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to. I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker. I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged. Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons. My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful. Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas. But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman. I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again. And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.
It's really pointless to think all that. What's done is done. I know my family loves me. I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better. Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.
I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.
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