Dear Ex-Fiance,
Last night Jerbs and I had a long debate/discussion that involved Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. And I initiated it and made some good Star Wars related points. Then it evolved to include Harry Potter.
I think you'd have been proud, since it was you who finally forced me to watch Star Wars.
Love,
Jessica
8.30.2012
8.29.2012
Focus: Here and Now
I need to focus on the here and the now.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
Less & Less And More & More
Until about a week ago, I was planning to write an entry entitled "Less and Less." I was going to talk about how since I've been here, and especially in the past few weeks, I find my mind on Ex-Fiance less and less.
Because really, I hadn't been thinking about him much. There was a point when I was first here where he was constantly on my mind, where him and the breakup and how much I wanted to go home were all I could think about every single day. Where everything reminded me of Ex-Fiance, and I'd randomly wonder what he was doing and feel an anxiety attack coming on.
But those thoughts lessened and lessened. They never went away completely, but at some point I started thinking about myself more and more. I started making plans for myself and my future--plans that I like and that I'm happy about. I felt more and more that getting over Ex-Fiance was something I'd be able to handle and I got to a point that there was no question in my mind that I could be happy without him.
I'd still think about him now and then. Occasionally things would still remind me of him, but I'd just kind of let it go instead of feeling anxious. And sometimes I wonder what he's doing and if he's seeing someone else, and those thoughts aren't happy ones, but I don't focus on them anymore. And every now and then, I'd be doing something and it would kind of hit me that I was engaged to be married and that I'd been living somewhere else and that I'd had this whole other life--but like I said, I just kind of learned to not focus on it.
It got to a point where when I did think of Ex-Fiance, it felt almost fake, almost like it never happened.
So that was all going on and it was good and fine and I was doing OK, and then out of nowhere . . . Ex-Fiance was on my mind again.
It probably started a little less than a week ago, and I think it started with a CD at work. (Yes, a CD, isn't that stupid?) It's a jazz CD called "Alone Together: Essential Late Night Jazz" and . . . yeah. I bought it because it was like $1.10 with my employee discount.
So ever since then, I just . . . I don't know. The most random things make me think of Corey and my mind keeps wandering back to good times in our relationship. I keep thinking about how much I wanted to have a life with him, and how much I still want that. I still want to be with him--no matter how stupid or pathetic or whatever it makes me, that's what I want. I know I can be happy without him and I know that I'll find my own way but I'd rather find my way with him.
I don't hear from Ex-Fiance anymore; I don't even know if he asks Jenny about me anymore (I'm afraid to ask). I know that I need to be patient. I know that if Ex-Fiance's going to get to a point where he wants to discuss us and potentially work things out and try again, he has to get there on his own. I need to give him time and space and I'm doing this as best as I can.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my own plans. I mean, I'm not sitting around waiting for Ex-Fiance to call or anything like that. It just means I'm also not giving up hope, because I really do think Ex-Fiance is my soul mate. And my gut feeling is that he still loves me and thinks the same of me.
So we'll see what happens.
Because really, I hadn't been thinking about him much. There was a point when I was first here where he was constantly on my mind, where him and the breakup and how much I wanted to go home were all I could think about every single day. Where everything reminded me of Ex-Fiance, and I'd randomly wonder what he was doing and feel an anxiety attack coming on.
But those thoughts lessened and lessened. They never went away completely, but at some point I started thinking about myself more and more. I started making plans for myself and my future--plans that I like and that I'm happy about. I felt more and more that getting over Ex-Fiance was something I'd be able to handle and I got to a point that there was no question in my mind that I could be happy without him.
I'd still think about him now and then. Occasionally things would still remind me of him, but I'd just kind of let it go instead of feeling anxious. And sometimes I wonder what he's doing and if he's seeing someone else, and those thoughts aren't happy ones, but I don't focus on them anymore. And every now and then, I'd be doing something and it would kind of hit me that I was engaged to be married and that I'd been living somewhere else and that I'd had this whole other life--but like I said, I just kind of learned to not focus on it.
It got to a point where when I did think of Ex-Fiance, it felt almost fake, almost like it never happened.
So that was all going on and it was good and fine and I was doing OK, and then out of nowhere . . . Ex-Fiance was on my mind again.
It probably started a little less than a week ago, and I think it started with a CD at work. (Yes, a CD, isn't that stupid?) It's a jazz CD called "Alone Together: Essential Late Night Jazz" and . . . yeah. I bought it because it was like $1.10 with my employee discount.
So ever since then, I just . . . I don't know. The most random things make me think of Corey and my mind keeps wandering back to good times in our relationship. I keep thinking about how much I wanted to have a life with him, and how much I still want that. I still want to be with him--no matter how stupid or pathetic or whatever it makes me, that's what I want. I know I can be happy without him and I know that I'll find my own way but I'd rather find my way with him.
I don't hear from Ex-Fiance anymore; I don't even know if he asks Jenny about me anymore (I'm afraid to ask). I know that I need to be patient. I know that if Ex-Fiance's going to get to a point where he wants to discuss us and potentially work things out and try again, he has to get there on his own. I need to give him time and space and I'm doing this as best as I can.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my own plans. I mean, I'm not sitting around waiting for Ex-Fiance to call or anything like that. It just means I'm also not giving up hope, because I really do think Ex-Fiance is my soul mate. And my gut feeling is that he still loves me and thinks the same of me.
So we'll see what happens.
8.28.2012
Random Memories
Once when we were shopping at Cost Plus World Market, we were looking at a day bed thing, and I said I wanted to have one of those in my home office someday. I said it was where I could sleep when we fought, and Ex-Fiance laughed and said we'd never have fights like that.
I almost always went to bed later than Ex-Fiance. Some nights when I'd climb into bed, he'd half wake up and tell me he loved me or that I was beautiful. Other nights, if he'd been dreaming, he'd say funny stuff--once he told me he was trying to get the class' attention; once he told me to go move my clip up (a disciplinary thing from his class room).
Once when we were first dating we took a trip to Hobby Lobby with Jerbs. Jerbs bought me something while we were there, and on the drive home I said, "I love my pillow, thank you Jerbs!" And Ex-Fiance said, "I love my Jessica, thank you God." I'll never forget that.
I used to love looking back at the percussion section during orchestra and seeing him there. I loved that, a good chunk of the time, I'd look back to find him looking at me too.
The first time I went to Chinle with him it was over Halloween weekend; Halloween fell on that Sunday. We ended up staying late enough to hand out candy with his family, and once that was over, we went to a family friend's house. She had a fire going and a bunch of people from the hospital over and Ex-Fiance pulled me away from the crowd at one point and slow danced with me. It was amazing. Later that night when we got back to Flagstaff, Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him, and even though he'd asked before "for fun," that night I felt like he meant it completely for the first time.
A few months after we started dating it snowed for the first time that winter. Ex-Fiance suggested we start a tradition: the first snow ornament. The deal was that every year on the day of the first snow (or as close to it as possible) we'd buy a new ornament for our tree together. We bought a Polar Express ornament in 2010, and a romantic Christmas tree one in 2011. I loved that tradition.
Ex-Fiance'd never had a real Christmas tree before we met; I grew up with real trees and only had fake ones in my dorms/apartments. So last Christmas, since it was our first Christmas living together, we got a real tree. We named him Percival and decorating him together was so much fun. We decorated our whole house too, because we both love Christmas. We spent our first Christmas together in Chinle with his family, and waking up next to him on Christmas morning was so wonderful.
One day in September of 2010 Ex-Fiance took me to the Deer Farm. After that we spontaneously drove to Kingman and he got to meet my family for the first time. When we got back to Flagstaff I decided to spend the night at his place for the first time. Of course we stayed up late talking (like always) and on this night I confessed to Ex-Fiance that I have a phobia type issue with sunrises. (Long story, related to my anxiety disorder). And after I told him that he kind of paused. And then he told me that it didn't scare him and it didn't weird him out at all; then he said that all he wanted was to be the one who was with me when I could watch a sunrise and be OK. I think that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to be with him forever. I mean, I'd had an idea since our first date, but that moment cemented it.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm putting this all down here. It's just where my head's been the past few days. These are the things I want back, because no, things weren't perfect between us but . . . damn, we had some beautiful moments.
I almost always went to bed later than Ex-Fiance. Some nights when I'd climb into bed, he'd half wake up and tell me he loved me or that I was beautiful. Other nights, if he'd been dreaming, he'd say funny stuff--once he told me he was trying to get the class' attention; once he told me to go move my clip up (a disciplinary thing from his class room).
Once when we were first dating we took a trip to Hobby Lobby with Jerbs. Jerbs bought me something while we were there, and on the drive home I said, "I love my pillow, thank you Jerbs!" And Ex-Fiance said, "I love my Jessica, thank you God." I'll never forget that.
I used to love looking back at the percussion section during orchestra and seeing him there. I loved that, a good chunk of the time, I'd look back to find him looking at me too.
The first time I went to Chinle with him it was over Halloween weekend; Halloween fell on that Sunday. We ended up staying late enough to hand out candy with his family, and once that was over, we went to a family friend's house. She had a fire going and a bunch of people from the hospital over and Ex-Fiance pulled me away from the crowd at one point and slow danced with me. It was amazing. Later that night when we got back to Flagstaff, Ex-Fiance asked me to marry him, and even though he'd asked before "for fun," that night I felt like he meant it completely for the first time.
A few months after we started dating it snowed for the first time that winter. Ex-Fiance suggested we start a tradition: the first snow ornament. The deal was that every year on the day of the first snow (or as close to it as possible) we'd buy a new ornament for our tree together. We bought a Polar Express ornament in 2010, and a romantic Christmas tree one in 2011. I loved that tradition.
Ex-Fiance'd never had a real Christmas tree before we met; I grew up with real trees and only had fake ones in my dorms/apartments. So last Christmas, since it was our first Christmas living together, we got a real tree. We named him Percival and decorating him together was so much fun. We decorated our whole house too, because we both love Christmas. We spent our first Christmas together in Chinle with his family, and waking up next to him on Christmas morning was so wonderful.
One day in September of 2010 Ex-Fiance took me to the Deer Farm. After that we spontaneously drove to Kingman and he got to meet my family for the first time. When we got back to Flagstaff I decided to spend the night at his place for the first time. Of course we stayed up late talking (like always) and on this night I confessed to Ex-Fiance that I have a phobia type issue with sunrises. (Long story, related to my anxiety disorder). And after I told him that he kind of paused. And then he told me that it didn't scare him and it didn't weird him out at all; then he said that all he wanted was to be the one who was with me when I could watch a sunrise and be OK. I think that was the moment that I knew that I wanted to be with him forever. I mean, I'd had an idea since our first date, but that moment cemented it.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm putting this all down here. It's just where my head's been the past few days. These are the things I want back, because no, things weren't perfect between us but . . . damn, we had some beautiful moments.
8.27.2012
Frickin' A (Extended)
So I'm doing better than I was last night. I won't lie, I had a good cry and a few why-can't-something-just-go-right-for-me moments but I'm ok now.
I guess I'd just gotten my hopes up about the job. It wasn't even really that I wanted to work for that particular company or do that particular job, it was just that I really wanted a full time job. And I'd been thinking about being able to buy a car and start saving money for what I want to do next and it kinda sucked to suddenly know I wouldn't be able to do that, at least not yet. But really, I didn't care much for the guy who interviewed me and most office jobs start at a higher pay rate anyway, so maybe it's for the best.
So basically the company decided to promote from within. And honestly I kinda think that was the plan from the beginning. This company has 12 group homes for disabled adults, and I think they have trouble keeping those staffed. During my interview I was asked if I'd be willing to work in one of the group homes if I didn't get the office job. I said maybe. Based on other questions he asked me, he hadn't even looked at my resume (he asked if I had experience working in an office . . . which is like the first thing on my resume so). And the interview was only like 5 minutes long, and the next step was supposed to be reference checks. I know for a fact that they didn't check my references, because I'm still in contact with all of them so yeah. My gut feeling is kinda that they just wanted people for their group homes, so they advertised an office job and asked all the people who applied if they'd work in one of the homes and'll just hire them for that.
They did offer me a group home job. But I'm really not interested in that.
So back to the drawing board I guess. I just hope I find something soon!
I guess I'd just gotten my hopes up about the job. It wasn't even really that I wanted to work for that particular company or do that particular job, it was just that I really wanted a full time job. And I'd been thinking about being able to buy a car and start saving money for what I want to do next and it kinda sucked to suddenly know I wouldn't be able to do that, at least not yet. But really, I didn't care much for the guy who interviewed me and most office jobs start at a higher pay rate anyway, so maybe it's for the best.
So basically the company decided to promote from within. And honestly I kinda think that was the plan from the beginning. This company has 12 group homes for disabled adults, and I think they have trouble keeping those staffed. During my interview I was asked if I'd be willing to work in one of the group homes if I didn't get the office job. I said maybe. Based on other questions he asked me, he hadn't even looked at my resume (he asked if I had experience working in an office . . . which is like the first thing on my resume so). And the interview was only like 5 minutes long, and the next step was supposed to be reference checks. I know for a fact that they didn't check my references, because I'm still in contact with all of them so yeah. My gut feeling is kinda that they just wanted people for their group homes, so they advertised an office job and asked all the people who applied if they'd work in one of the homes and'll just hire them for that.
They did offer me a group home job. But I'm really not interested in that.
So back to the drawing board I guess. I just hope I find something soon!
8.26.2012
Frickin' A
Didn't get the job I interviewed for.
Don't know why I'm even fucking surprised.
I just want SOMETHING to go right for me.
Don't know why I'm even fucking surprised.
I just want SOMETHING to go right for me.
Blog Stalking
I readily admit that I am a blog stalker. I love to read random people's blogs.
This all started one day when I was reading a friend's blog. I was bored and hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page. It took me to a cute little Mormon mommy blog (that's what I call them--Mormon women who blog about their marriage/kids . . . not meant to be offensive, of course! I love these blogs!) So from this blog, I found another Mormon mommy blog, which led me to a Mormon almost mommy blog (the blogger was pregnant at the time I found her blog, she's since had a cute little boy!) So from this blog, I found another Mormon family blog.
From that blog I found my first BLM (baby lost momma) blog. This particular blog was a couple who lost their first child, a daughter, to an accidental drowning when she was just over a year old. It was heartbreaking. From that blog I found more BLM blogs, and I just fell in love with this little community. The women who blog about losing their children and how it's impacted them and their marriages and their faith are amazing. The stories are heartbreaking but at the same time so inspiring. I discovered these blogs right as Corey was ending our relationship, and weirdly, they gave me a lot of hope and put my grief into perspective. I thought, if these women can go through these trials and survive then certainly I can survive a break up.
From BLM blogs I found infertility/TTC/miscarriage blogs. A lot of those blogs involve divorce, because a good number of marriages don't survive infertility (which is heartbreaking). From there I found divorce blogs, and from there, a whole lot of blogs about infidelity--some of which were also about subsequent divorce, some of which were about how to rebuild a marriage after infidelity.
Anyway. It's all fascinating, and as I was reading these infidelity blogs last night I thought about how weird it was that a Mormon mommy blog led to all of that. Six degrees of separation and whatnot, I guess.
8.25.2012
8.24.2012
Sometimes . . .
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I don't know. Today was a shitty day.
Work was terrible and exemplified all the reasons I hate this store. I was feeling iffy about the potential new job (like iffy as far as whether I'd take it or not if it was offered to me) but I think today's shift was a sign that if I do get it, I should take it and run.
Then the bus ride home with Jerbs was stressful because we got stuck on our first bus (thank you downtown Flag) and missed our bus leaving the transfer station, which meant waiting for a half hour at the bus station. Plus our first bus was full of college students and went through campus, both of which stress me out and depress me.
We got home and I took a nap, and it was when I woke up that the wanting to curl up in a ball and cry started.
I just felt so discouraged. I can't even really put into words why, I just suddenly felt so down.
A lot of it is Ex-Fiance. I miss him so, so much. It's just kinda hit me the past few days and I wish I could see him and talk to him. We haven't spoken in about two weeks and tomorrow will be three months since the actual breakup. It's weird, and I don't get what's going on between us, and I just . . . am lost.
I don't know. Today was a shitty day.
Work was terrible and exemplified all the reasons I hate this store. I was feeling iffy about the potential new job (like iffy as far as whether I'd take it or not if it was offered to me) but I think today's shift was a sign that if I do get it, I should take it and run.
Then the bus ride home with Jerbs was stressful because we got stuck on our first bus (thank you downtown Flag) and missed our bus leaving the transfer station, which meant waiting for a half hour at the bus station. Plus our first bus was full of college students and went through campus, both of which stress me out and depress me.
We got home and I took a nap, and it was when I woke up that the wanting to curl up in a ball and cry started.
I just felt so discouraged. I can't even really put into words why, I just suddenly felt so down.
A lot of it is Ex-Fiance. I miss him so, so much. It's just kinda hit me the past few days and I wish I could see him and talk to him. We haven't spoken in about two weeks and tomorrow will be three months since the actual breakup. It's weird, and I don't get what's going on between us, and I just . . . am lost.
8.23.2012
A Decent Day
So . . . today:
--I had a job interview! It's for an office assistant position with a company that provides services to and runs group homes for developmentally disabled adults. It was totally not what I was expecting--I expected to go into a very organized kinda upscale well put together feeling professional office, but it's much more laid back. Like the dress code is jeans and tshirts kinda laid back. Which is cool but it threw me a little. And the job doesn't pay as much as I'd thought/hoped (my hourly wage there would be the same as at Hastings) but it's full time. Like actually full time, 40 hours a week, so it's at least a little better. Today's interview was only like 10 minutes long--basically the guy just went over the job details with me and asked if I had administrative experience (I was like, did you look at my resume at all? but whatev). This particular company puts a lot of emphasis on references so that's the next step; they'll check my references and if after that they still like me or whatever, I'll have a second interview with the guy who did my interview's boss. I should hear from them pretty quickly so . . . here's hoping, right?
--I bought a UV lamp and UV activated top coat for my nails. I've wanted one for awhile now and they had a deal going at Sally's where if you bought the lamp (for $25) you got the top coat for free (normally $9). And it was payday so I thought what the hell? Because Jerbs and I have a nail polish addiction and between the two of us we have over 100 colors easily. So my toenails always look awesome, but I'm too impatient to sit still and let nail polish dry on my fingers, and I compulsively pick at it when it's almost dry . . . so yeah. I've tried fast drying polish, fast drying topcoats, doing one nail at a time . . . blah blah blah. Nothing works, and I hate having all this polish that I don't get to use--especially since winter's coming and I won't be wearing flip flops anymore. But with the UV lamp and topcoat the polish dries and hardens in like 5 minutes and it's awesome. So I'm STOKED about that.
--It's getting cold here! I walked to the gas station earlier and I could see my breath. IT'S NOT EVEN SEPTEMBER YET. I love it but wow.
--Jerbs and I have sort of adopted a cute little stray kitty. We call him Little Boy Cat and we leave food and water for him on our porch.
That's about it. I did have a few moments today where I just felt sad and missed Corey but that's all for another post.
--I had a job interview! It's for an office assistant position with a company that provides services to and runs group homes for developmentally disabled adults. It was totally not what I was expecting--I expected to go into a very organized kinda upscale well put together feeling professional office, but it's much more laid back. Like the dress code is jeans and tshirts kinda laid back. Which is cool but it threw me a little. And the job doesn't pay as much as I'd thought/hoped (my hourly wage there would be the same as at Hastings) but it's full time. Like actually full time, 40 hours a week, so it's at least a little better. Today's interview was only like 10 minutes long--basically the guy just went over the job details with me and asked if I had administrative experience (I was like, did you look at my resume at all? but whatev). This particular company puts a lot of emphasis on references so that's the next step; they'll check my references and if after that they still like me or whatever, I'll have a second interview with the guy who did my interview's boss. I should hear from them pretty quickly so . . . here's hoping, right?
--I bought a UV lamp and UV activated top coat for my nails. I've wanted one for awhile now and they had a deal going at Sally's where if you bought the lamp (for $25) you got the top coat for free (normally $9). And it was payday so I thought what the hell? Because Jerbs and I have a nail polish addiction and between the two of us we have over 100 colors easily. So my toenails always look awesome, but I'm too impatient to sit still and let nail polish dry on my fingers, and I compulsively pick at it when it's almost dry . . . so yeah. I've tried fast drying polish, fast drying topcoats, doing one nail at a time . . . blah blah blah. Nothing works, and I hate having all this polish that I don't get to use--especially since winter's coming and I won't be wearing flip flops anymore. But with the UV lamp and topcoat the polish dries and hardens in like 5 minutes and it's awesome. So I'm STOKED about that.
--It's getting cold here! I walked to the gas station earlier and I could see my breath. IT'S NOT EVEN SEPTEMBER YET. I love it but wow.
--Jerbs and I have sort of adopted a cute little stray kitty. We call him Little Boy Cat and we leave food and water for him on our porch.
That's about it. I did have a few moments today where I just felt sad and missed Corey but that's all for another post.
8.20.2012
A Bitter Post Where I Say Fuck A Lot
I'm almost 30 fucking years old and I haven't done shit with my life. And I don't know what the fuck I want to do at fucking all. And really at this point who fucking cares? I'm too old to do shit.
I'm almost 30 and I have a job that gives me 9 fucking hours a week and pays 8 fucking dollars a Goddamn hour. I have a degree that's less than fucking useless. For that degree I have a $40000 fucking debt that I can't pay off.
I take the bus with a whole bunch of other fucking losers who didn't do shit with their lives either. And before long I'll get to do it in the fucking snow!!! Isn't that just fanfuckingtastic?????
I have mental disorders that prevent me from just being able to live my fucking life. And why do I have them? Because Grammo and PopPop, my maternal grandparents, were fucking pedos who got off on little girls. In particular, me. Sometimes I honestly believe that I'm being punished for their sins.
It's just not fucking fair. They were perverted fuckers and they got to live normal lives, but I can't have shit because of them.
And then there's Corey, who just fucking ignores me. Who acts like I don't exist. Who is probably already fucking some other girl in our bed (best of luck to you, Future Mrs. Whitney #3!) Who dumped me on the last day of school, who fucked me out of MY FUCKING LIFE. So fuck him. Fuck him. I'm sure his life is just gloriously perfect without me in it, and that's just fine. Fuck him and his perfect life with his good job and his free car and his parents paying off his fucking student loans. Fuck him for thinking I'm not good enough, for thinking my family isn't good enough. Fuck him.
I hope he gets his heart broken like this someday. I hope he finds some wonderful amazing girl who is everything he ever wanted in a partner. And then I hope that right when he's ready to commit himself to her for life, she rips his heart out, stomps on it, and kicks him in the balls on her way out the door.
Fuck it all. I hate my life.
I'm almost 30 and I have a job that gives me 9 fucking hours a week and pays 8 fucking dollars a Goddamn hour. I have a degree that's less than fucking useless. For that degree I have a $40000 fucking debt that I can't pay off.
I take the bus with a whole bunch of other fucking losers who didn't do shit with their lives either. And before long I'll get to do it in the fucking snow!!! Isn't that just fanfuckingtastic?????
I have mental disorders that prevent me from just being able to live my fucking life. And why do I have them? Because Grammo and PopPop, my maternal grandparents, were fucking pedos who got off on little girls. In particular, me. Sometimes I honestly believe that I'm being punished for their sins.
It's just not fucking fair. They were perverted fuckers and they got to live normal lives, but I can't have shit because of them.
And then there's Corey, who just fucking ignores me. Who acts like I don't exist. Who is probably already fucking some other girl in our bed (best of luck to you, Future Mrs. Whitney #3!) Who dumped me on the last day of school, who fucked me out of MY FUCKING LIFE. So fuck him. Fuck him. I'm sure his life is just gloriously perfect without me in it, and that's just fine. Fuck him and his perfect life with his good job and his free car and his parents paying off his fucking student loans. Fuck him for thinking I'm not good enough, for thinking my family isn't good enough. Fuck him.
I hope he gets his heart broken like this someday. I hope he finds some wonderful amazing girl who is everything he ever wanted in a partner. And then I hope that right when he's ready to commit himself to her for life, she rips his heart out, stomps on it, and kicks him in the balls on her way out the door.
Fuck it all. I hate my life.
8.17.2012
Hair!
I'm planning to dye my hair red. I have it narrowed down to 2 possible colors. Which do you like better?
8.16.2012
Rain and . . . Snow?
Today was a rainy rainy rainy day. We got woken up this morning by really bad thunder (like the walls were shaking kinda thunder . . . that's what happens when you're on the third floor). The thunder was followed by torrential rain, and a power outage. The power only stayed out for about an hour. But the storm was intense! And while our side of town only got heavy rain and a little hail, other parts of town got snow.
Snow.
In August.
Yikes.
We went out after it had let up a bit, and it was freezing cold. I definitely had a moment of bitterness because all of my winter clothes are back in Kingman, and I really don't have a way of getting them at the moment. Jerbs was kind enough to buy me a windbreaker for when I leave the house, because she's awesome.
I do love this weather though. It's so pretty. It's the kind of weather I want to live in all the time. The downside is that it makes me think of Ex-Fiance and miss him. It makes me want to cuddle.
Speaking of Ex-Fiance. I feel . . . like that should be another entry, because I just don't have the energy right now.
Snow.
In August.
Yikes.
We went out after it had let up a bit, and it was freezing cold. I definitely had a moment of bitterness because all of my winter clothes are back in Kingman, and I really don't have a way of getting them at the moment. Jerbs was kind enough to buy me a windbreaker for when I leave the house, because she's awesome.
I do love this weather though. It's so pretty. It's the kind of weather I want to live in all the time. The downside is that it makes me think of Ex-Fiance and miss him. It makes me want to cuddle.
Speaking of Ex-Fiance. I feel . . . like that should be another entry, because I just don't have the energy right now.
8.15.2012
A General Life Update
So at the moment life is OK. Not spectacular (when is it ever?) but not awful either.
Good Things:
--I'm back on my medication. It's been less than a week and I'm already feeling a lot better. Thank goodness!
--I get to get a new bed tomorrow!! Just another air bed but still, I'm excited, because the one I have now has a hole in it and I've been waking up on the floor so.
--Last night when I was walking Jenny's cat, I put her in a tree, and it was hilarious.
--Also hilarious the other night was Jenny's lack of knowledge of the plot of The Sound of Music. ("What the hell do Nazis have to do with the sound of music?").
--Work didn't make me want to die today. It still wasn't good but at no point did I want to fake a seizure so I could leave on an ambulance.
--Austin and Jenny came to visit this past Saturday!
--I've had some mental health breakthroughs in the form of epiphanies--figuring out why I feel the way I feel and think the way I do.
--The weather's starting to cool a little in the evenings and it's beautiful! I'm so excited for fall!
--I've been reconnecting with old friends and it's wonderful. Jenny and I hung out with Theresa this past Sunday and it was great.
Bad Things:
--I still don't hear from Ex-Fiance. Honestly I don't know how I feel about him anymore--I'll elaborate on that later.
--I still haven't gotten a call back from anyone for a job. It's getting frustrating because I am ready to make some actual money.
--I've randomly been feeling exhausted a lot so the house is a mess because I just don't feel like doing shit.
8.14.2012
Mental Illness and My Relationship
After my post yesterday, I got to thinking. Because in that post I said that Ex-Fiance and I couldn't make things work while I was still being ruled by the mental illnesses, and I realized that makes it sounds like it's all on me. Like it's just, Jessica is fucked up, Jessica needs to get better, blah blah blah.
But that's not really it. Sure that's part of it, but there's more to it, and I wanted to clarify, I guess.
A)Yes, from the beginning of our relationship, I was too mentally ill to be in a relationship. As the mental illness got worse (because for like 2 months after I met Ex-Fiance I was so giddy about it that my symptoms were ignoreable), I stopped being able to really relate to Ex-Fiance appropriately. I felt so much anxiety about him--this constant worry that he'd leave me, that he wasn't happy with me, that he wanted to be with his ex, and on and on and on. And while sometimes those feelings were manageable and he was able to reassure me, there were a lot of breakdowns where I'd totally lose it. And if I was breaking down Ex-Fiance could not win. He tried and tried to make me happy and assuage me during the breakdowns and I just . . . wouldn't let him win. Whatever he did, no matter how sweet or nice it was, I shot him down. I was horrible.
B)All those breakdowns were a drain on our relationship, and that was back when Ex-Fiancewas working part time as a sub in a different city so he had a lot of time to call or text me, and he visited whenever he could. When Ex-Fiance started teaching and had a full time, important job to focus on, my head took a bit of a hit (because I was selfish). I tried to be supportive of him but it was hard. And then when his job ended up being hellishly stressful, he started to detach, and then I broke down even more. So basically we were both unhappy and both not in a good place to support one another.
C)As a result, things got tense and uncomfortable between us. We were almost afraid to be around one another, it seemed like--I think because we were both worried about the other's mood but didn't really know what to do to help each other.
D)Communication between us became non-existent. So we couldn't do very basic things like budgeting. Or talk about what was wrong and figure out how to fix it.
E)Even once I was back on medication, we couldn't get back to what we'd had or wanted to have. I think there was just a lot of bad stuff blocking the good, if that makes sense. It got to a point that all we could see in each other and in our relationship were negatives.
Anyway, so that's that. I still hope (and think) that we'll be able to work things out. And even though this is hard it's nice to be able to figure these things out, to kind of look back and be like, oh, that's something that went wrong that we needed to fix. There are still more things on my part that I need to figure out that are all mental illness related (like why I thought such weird things about Ex-Fiance and whatever). That'll come with time, though.
But that's not really it. Sure that's part of it, but there's more to it, and I wanted to clarify, I guess.
A)Yes, from the beginning of our relationship, I was too mentally ill to be in a relationship. As the mental illness got worse (because for like 2 months after I met Ex-Fiance I was so giddy about it that my symptoms were ignoreable), I stopped being able to really relate to Ex-Fiance appropriately. I felt so much anxiety about him--this constant worry that he'd leave me, that he wasn't happy with me, that he wanted to be with his ex, and on and on and on. And while sometimes those feelings were manageable and he was able to reassure me, there were a lot of breakdowns where I'd totally lose it. And if I was breaking down Ex-Fiance could not win. He tried and tried to make me happy and assuage me during the breakdowns and I just . . . wouldn't let him win. Whatever he did, no matter how sweet or nice it was, I shot him down. I was horrible.
B)All those breakdowns were a drain on our relationship, and that was back when Ex-Fiancewas working part time as a sub in a different city so he had a lot of time to call or text me, and he visited whenever he could. When Ex-Fiance started teaching and had a full time, important job to focus on, my head took a bit of a hit (because I was selfish). I tried to be supportive of him but it was hard. And then when his job ended up being hellishly stressful, he started to detach, and then I broke down even more. So basically we were both unhappy and both not in a good place to support one another.
C)As a result, things got tense and uncomfortable between us. We were almost afraid to be around one another, it seemed like--I think because we were both worried about the other's mood but didn't really know what to do to help each other.
D)Communication between us became non-existent. So we couldn't do very basic things like budgeting. Or talk about what was wrong and figure out how to fix it.
E)Even once I was back on medication, we couldn't get back to what we'd had or wanted to have. I think there was just a lot of bad stuff blocking the good, if that makes sense. It got to a point that all we could see in each other and in our relationship were negatives.
Anyway, so that's that. I still hope (and think) that we'll be able to work things out. And even though this is hard it's nice to be able to figure these things out, to kind of look back and be like, oh, that's something that went wrong that we needed to fix. There are still more things on my part that I need to figure out that are all mental illness related (like why I thought such weird things about Ex-Fiance and whatever). That'll come with time, though.
8.13.2012
A Confession
Quite a few times since Ex-Fiance broke up with me, I've had these moments where I suddenly feel overwhelmed with this thought of, I was supposed to be married by now.* And it usually makes me sad, or bitter, or angry, depending on how my day is going at the time.
And then last night I was hanging out with Jerbs and my friend Theresa, and that thought hit me, and instead of any negative emotion, I felt relieved.
I am relieved that I am not married right now.
Don't get me wrong. My feelings for Ex-Fiance haven't changed, and I still want to be married someday. And yes, I'm still very sad that I didn't get to experience being a bride and a wedding and all that.
But the thought of getting married feeling the way I was in our relationship . . . I can't imagine doing that. Because the truth is I didn't want to get married with the way things were; I knew I wasn't mentally healthy enough to do it. But I didn't want to initiate a break because I was afraid that Ex-Fiance wouldn't wait for me. The thought of being in Kingman right now, in a new marriage, still struggling with mental illness makes me sick to my stomach.
That is not what I want. That is NEVER what I wanted.
I was adamant from the very beginning that I didn't want to get married mentally ill. I feel like I've already lost a chunk of my life to mental illness--I flat out refuse to sacrifice one second of my marriage to it as well. I feel like my marriage (be it to Ex-Fiance or someone else) will be the most important, sacred, beautiful, meaningful thing in my life, and I don't want the bullshit in my head touching that. Yes, I was getting better, but I was nowhere near where I needed to be to be a good partner.
And I think that's why this happened. Because as much as I love Ex-Fiance (and as much as I know he loves me) there is no way we could have made a marriage work with mental illness still being so much a part of me.
So for those reasons, I'm relieved that we didn't go through with it. I hope we do someday but . . . I really don't want to get married until we're ready. It's just difficult because I feel like, if we're meant to be we're wasting time. But I tell myself that I'm only 27 (and Ex-Fiance's only 24) and there's plenty of time left to live together and be married and experience life together.
Do I think Ex-Fiance handled this all as well as he could? God no. Am I expecting a huge ass apology if we decide to work things out? Damn right I am! But do I think he had a point? . . . Yeah, I do.
The thing is, I know what I need to do to get really and truly better, and I'm going to make it happen.
*I don't mean supposed to be as in I'm a girl so I have to be married to a man before I'm 30 or whatever. I just mean it as in, Ex-Fiance and I had planned to be married in December of 11, then March of 12, then June of 12, so really, I expected to be married now.
And then last night I was hanging out with Jerbs and my friend Theresa, and that thought hit me, and instead of any negative emotion, I felt relieved.
I am relieved that I am not married right now.
Don't get me wrong. My feelings for Ex-Fiance haven't changed, and I still want to be married someday. And yes, I'm still very sad that I didn't get to experience being a bride and a wedding and all that.
But the thought of getting married feeling the way I was in our relationship . . . I can't imagine doing that. Because the truth is I didn't want to get married with the way things were; I knew I wasn't mentally healthy enough to do it. But I didn't want to initiate a break because I was afraid that Ex-Fiance wouldn't wait for me. The thought of being in Kingman right now, in a new marriage, still struggling with mental illness makes me sick to my stomach.
That is not what I want. That is NEVER what I wanted.
I was adamant from the very beginning that I didn't want to get married mentally ill. I feel like I've already lost a chunk of my life to mental illness--I flat out refuse to sacrifice one second of my marriage to it as well. I feel like my marriage (be it to Ex-Fiance or someone else) will be the most important, sacred, beautiful, meaningful thing in my life, and I don't want the bullshit in my head touching that. Yes, I was getting better, but I was nowhere near where I needed to be to be a good partner.
And I think that's why this happened. Because as much as I love Ex-Fiance (and as much as I know he loves me) there is no way we could have made a marriage work with mental illness still being so much a part of me.
So for those reasons, I'm relieved that we didn't go through with it. I hope we do someday but . . . I really don't want to get married until we're ready. It's just difficult because I feel like, if we're meant to be we're wasting time. But I tell myself that I'm only 27 (and Ex-Fiance's only 24) and there's plenty of time left to live together and be married and experience life together.
Do I think Ex-Fiance handled this all as well as he could? God no. Am I expecting a huge ass apology if we decide to work things out? Damn right I am! But do I think he had a point? . . . Yeah, I do.
The thing is, I know what I need to do to get really and truly better, and I'm going to make it happen.
*I don't mean supposed to be as in I'm a girl so I have to be married to a man before I'm 30 or whatever. I just mean it as in, Ex-Fiance and I had planned to be married in December of 11, then March of 12, then June of 12, so really, I expected to be married now.
8.12.2012
Two Years
Today it's been two years since Ex-Fiance and I "met."
I say "met" because we were actually introduced back in October of 2009, but then we didn't speak to one another again until August 12, 2010. (Yes, I know the exact date. I am one of those girls).
So naturally knowing this is giving me some anxiety. This isn't really an anniversary we celebrate but we acknowledged it last year. And this year it's difficult because we're in separate cities, not speaking . . . it sucks.
I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I've thought back to that random chance encounter (at WalMart, of all places!) and just been amazed that something so insignificant was the beginning of the rest of my life.
I wonder if Ex-Fiance remembers? (He might, he's actually pretty good with anniversaries).
There's just kind of this thought in my head that missing this anniversary together this year is somehow a bad omen. Like we're wasting time, almost. Like it won't end up working out between us. But I tell myself that there'll be an August 12th next year too, and that just because we miss this this year doesn't mean anything. It's all just part of our story--which hopefully has a beautiful ending up the road.
Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking it might still work out. Because . . . well, from Ex-Fiance's end it really seems like it won't.
And in about a week it'll be the two year anniversary of our first date (which was the best first date EVER). And September 20th marks two years of being officially together. So our real anniversary. I expect that one'll be hard.
So Ex-Fiance, if you're reading this, please know that I love you very much. I still think that night two years ago was the start of our forever, and I hope so much that you feel the same way. I hope someday this stupid being apart crap will just be a memory and that we'll be happy together.
I say "met" because we were actually introduced back in October of 2009, but then we didn't speak to one another again until August 12, 2010. (Yes, I know the exact date. I am one of those girls).
So naturally knowing this is giving me some anxiety. This isn't really an anniversary we celebrate but we acknowledged it last year. And this year it's difficult because we're in separate cities, not speaking . . . it sucks.
I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I've thought back to that random chance encounter (at WalMart, of all places!) and just been amazed that something so insignificant was the beginning of the rest of my life.
I wonder if Ex-Fiance remembers? (He might, he's actually pretty good with anniversaries).
There's just kind of this thought in my head that missing this anniversary together this year is somehow a bad omen. Like we're wasting time, almost. Like it won't end up working out between us. But I tell myself that there'll be an August 12th next year too, and that just because we miss this this year doesn't mean anything. It's all just part of our story--which hopefully has a beautiful ending up the road.
Sometimes I feel so stupid for thinking it might still work out. Because . . . well, from Ex-Fiance's end it really seems like it won't.
And in about a week it'll be the two year anniversary of our first date (which was the best first date EVER). And September 20th marks two years of being officially together. So our real anniversary. I expect that one'll be hard.
So Ex-Fiance, if you're reading this, please know that I love you very much. I still think that night two years ago was the start of our forever, and I hope so much that you feel the same way. I hope someday this stupid being apart crap will just be a memory and that we'll be happy together.
8.10.2012
By Now . . .
I thought that at least something would have gone right.
That I'd have found a full time job. But I haven't.
That my treatment would be going well. But it's not. I did get my labwork done but I don't know the lab's turn around time so . . . who knows when it'll actually do me any good.
That Corey would have contacted me more and maybe told me he loved me; that we'd have had a conversation about us and established that there's hope for our future. But I never hear from him. I stopped contacting him a few days ago because I was sick of being the clingy loser who needed him and it's clearly made no difference to him whatsoever.
If I could have just ONE of those three things I'd feel infinitely better. But instead I feel like my life is epically failing in all three areas where I want it to improve.
I have never felt so lost or miserable, and I've never felt such an intense sense of desperation before.
I feel like I can't catch a fucking break no matter how hard I try.
I just want Corey to come up here and hold me and tell me that it's going to be OK. It's so stupid to want that and to feel like I need it but . . . oh my God I do.
That I'd have found a full time job. But I haven't.
That my treatment would be going well. But it's not. I did get my labwork done but I don't know the lab's turn around time so . . . who knows when it'll actually do me any good.
That Corey would have contacted me more and maybe told me he loved me; that we'd have had a conversation about us and established that there's hope for our future. But I never hear from him. I stopped contacting him a few days ago because I was sick of being the clingy loser who needed him and it's clearly made no difference to him whatsoever.
If I could have just ONE of those three things I'd feel infinitely better. But instead I feel like my life is epically failing in all three areas where I want it to improve.
I have never felt so lost or miserable, and I've never felt such an intense sense of desperation before.
I feel like I can't catch a fucking break no matter how hard I try.
I just want Corey to come up here and hold me and tell me that it's going to be OK. It's so stupid to want that and to feel like I need it but . . . oh my God I do.
8.08.2012
Anticipating Heartbreak
School starts for Ex-Fiance this Thursday, the 9th, and I'm very anxious about it. I'm anxious because I feel like his life is really actually moving on without me now. I'm anxious that he'll meet some pretty new teacher who's kind and sweet and not crazy and fall in love with her. I'm anxious that I won't get to wake up with him that morning and watch him get dressed and kiss him goodbye. (It's weird, but one of my favorite parts of living with him was watching him get dressed and ready for work in the morning).
Anyway. I guess ever since I got to Flagstaff I've kind of held out this hope that he'd call me on his first day of school to tell me about it. Just because I think we still have a connection and . . . well, I kind of hope he'd want to tell me about it.
But I know that's not going to happen. He's not going to call me or text me on Thursday, because he just never does.
And I know my heart's going to break. But at least I can anticipate these things now.
I have more to write about, like how I'm now totally unmedicated, how I can hardly focus long enough to shower, how I'm sick of no one calling me for a damn job, how Hastings is only giving me 9 hours of work next week, how badly I want to work on some creative writing projects and how frustrating it is that my head won't let me, and how I just hope like hell that once my labs are done the results get to my doctor fast and I have med refills by the end of the week--but I'm too tired to go into any detail right now.
Anyway. I guess ever since I got to Flagstaff I've kind of held out this hope that he'd call me on his first day of school to tell me about it. Just because I think we still have a connection and . . . well, I kind of hope he'd want to tell me about it.
But I know that's not going to happen. He's not going to call me or text me on Thursday, because he just never does.
And I know my heart's going to break. But at least I can anticipate these things now.
I have more to write about, like how I'm now totally unmedicated, how I can hardly focus long enough to shower, how I'm sick of no one calling me for a damn job, how Hastings is only giving me 9 hours of work next week, how badly I want to work on some creative writing projects and how frustrating it is that my head won't let me, and how I just hope like hell that once my labs are done the results get to my doctor fast and I have med refills by the end of the week--but I'm too tired to go into any detail right now.
8.05.2012
Donation Button
It makes me feel pretty dang pathetic but I put a donation button on my blog.
I hate asking anyone for money but my situation is getting . . . well, worse and worse, and at this point I just need to get back into treatment, whatever it takes.
So if you're interested in helping, you can donate to me via PayPal, and the money will all go towards my treatment--and nothing else, I promise.
I hate asking anyone for money but my situation is getting . . . well, worse and worse, and at this point I just need to get back into treatment, whatever it takes.
So if you're interested in helping, you can donate to me via PayPal, and the money will all go towards my treatment--and nothing else, I promise.
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance,
I know that right now, I am not in a place where I can or should be in a relationship with anyone. I know that it was that way for a good chunk throughout our relationship. And I'm sorry for that.
But I did and do love you very, very much--I have since our first date. And I believe there really is something between us.
And even though I'm not "relationship material" right now, I know that at some point, soon, I will be. Someday I will be completely healthy enough to be in a relationship again.
So I guess I'm trying to say please wait for me. Please don't look for anyone else, please don't find someone else. I know that you miss me and that you still care about me, and my gut feeling is that you still love me--so please wait for me. I know it would be worth it for both of us, because we are good together. And you said once that I was worth waiting for, so I hope you think that still.
That's all I'm asking of you. And I know it's a lot but after everything between us I think I deserve this, y'know?
Love,
Jessica
PS And if you're planning to wait for me . . . it wouldn't kill either of us for you to, y'know, tell me that.
I know that right now, I am not in a place where I can or should be in a relationship with anyone. I know that it was that way for a good chunk throughout our relationship. And I'm sorry for that.
But I did and do love you very, very much--I have since our first date. And I believe there really is something between us.
And even though I'm not "relationship material" right now, I know that at some point, soon, I will be. Someday I will be completely healthy enough to be in a relationship again.
So I guess I'm trying to say please wait for me. Please don't look for anyone else, please don't find someone else. I know that you miss me and that you still care about me, and my gut feeling is that you still love me--so please wait for me. I know it would be worth it for both of us, because we are good together. And you said once that I was worth waiting for, so I hope you think that still.
That's all I'm asking of you. And I know it's a lot but after everything between us I think I deserve this, y'know?
Love,
Jessica
PS And if you're planning to wait for me . . . it wouldn't kill either of us for you to, y'know, tell me that.
8.04.2012
Struggle
Sometimes I feel like living my life is a huge chore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living moment by moment. Like in my head I'm thinking, it's ok, focus, get through the next 10 minutes. Then the next 10 minutes and the next and the next.
It blows. I feel a lot like I did a couple years ago when just being awake didn't feel right. When I wondered everyday what I was going to do and why, when everything I did came with these thoughts of what will I do once I'm finished with this? What then what then what then what then?
It's miserable. I'm miserable.
I want to see Ex-Fiance so badly. I hate being apart. I'm done with it. Like I've said before I don't necessarily expect to move back to Kingman right away or anything like that; all I want to know is that he's still committed to me. That he's not looking for someone else and that he still wants to be with me.
I have never been so unhappy. I hate feeling this way. Most mornings I wake up and immediately I either just feel awful and want to cry or I feel full of rage and want to kick and throw and break things. But I know I can't . . . mostly because nothing here is mine and it would be highly inappropriate to break Jerbs' things. So yeah, I feel like I have no outlet for the rage and there's nothing I can do to control it. I have felt this way before--I used to feel this way everyday. In fact I felt this way everyday for about 2 years.
Coming back to it now . . . I really don't understand how I did it. How I made it through, how I managed not to kill myself.
If anything, though, it's proof that even if I wasn't perfect I was still doing a lot better.
I haven't been sleeping for crap. I can't focus on anything. I feel a sort of terror when I think of really focusing on anything, which is a weird feeling--but one I'm familiar with.
I think right now a big chunk of all that is that I am completely out of Paxil. I still have some Lithium left (quite a bit, actually) but no Paxil. And it's been . . . about 2 weeks since I had a full dose of it. So no wonder I'm so fucked up right now. Tonight Jerbs bought me some St. Johns Wort so that I could at least have something in my system for the depression. So hopefully that helps because honestly, I know I won't make it through much more of feeling like this. I absolutely cannot take it.
I just want my life back. I want Ex-Fiance back. I want . . . I don't know how to put it into words but I want to LIVE and I want something that isn't this.
Sometimes I feel like I'm living moment by moment. Like in my head I'm thinking, it's ok, focus, get through the next 10 minutes. Then the next 10 minutes and the next and the next.
It blows. I feel a lot like I did a couple years ago when just being awake didn't feel right. When I wondered everyday what I was going to do and why, when everything I did came with these thoughts of what will I do once I'm finished with this? What then what then what then what then?
It's miserable. I'm miserable.
I want to see Ex-Fiance so badly. I hate being apart. I'm done with it. Like I've said before I don't necessarily expect to move back to Kingman right away or anything like that; all I want to know is that he's still committed to me. That he's not looking for someone else and that he still wants to be with me.
I have never been so unhappy. I hate feeling this way. Most mornings I wake up and immediately I either just feel awful and want to cry or I feel full of rage and want to kick and throw and break things. But I know I can't . . . mostly because nothing here is mine and it would be highly inappropriate to break Jerbs' things. So yeah, I feel like I have no outlet for the rage and there's nothing I can do to control it. I have felt this way before--I used to feel this way everyday. In fact I felt this way everyday for about 2 years.
Coming back to it now . . . I really don't understand how I did it. How I made it through, how I managed not to kill myself.
If anything, though, it's proof that even if I wasn't perfect I was still doing a lot better.
I haven't been sleeping for crap. I can't focus on anything. I feel a sort of terror when I think of really focusing on anything, which is a weird feeling--but one I'm familiar with.
I think right now a big chunk of all that is that I am completely out of Paxil. I still have some Lithium left (quite a bit, actually) but no Paxil. And it's been . . . about 2 weeks since I had a full dose of it. So no wonder I'm so fucked up right now. Tonight Jerbs bought me some St. Johns Wort so that I could at least have something in my system for the depression. So hopefully that helps because honestly, I know I won't make it through much more of feeling like this. I absolutely cannot take it.
I just want my life back. I want Ex-Fiance back. I want . . . I don't know how to put it into words but I want to LIVE and I want something that isn't this.
8.03.2012
Why I Keep Trying
One thing that's kind of been an issue for a long time is WHY I want to get better.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
Nostalgia
I love the Flagstaff night sky.
You can see so many stars here and it's just so incredibly beautiful.
And every time I go walking late at night and look up at the stars I think of my first date with Corey, and wish I was lying with him on an inflatable raft, out in the center of Lake Mary, underneath the stars.
It's corny, I know, but true.
I loved that first date. It's been almost two years now but it still is, and always will be, one of my favorite Corey and me memories.
You can see so many stars here and it's just so incredibly beautiful.
And every time I go walking late at night and look up at the stars I think of my first date with Corey, and wish I was lying with him on an inflatable raft, out in the center of Lake Mary, underneath the stars.
It's corny, I know, but true.
I loved that first date. It's been almost two years now but it still is, and always will be, one of my favorite Corey and me memories.
8.02.2012
Dear Ex-Fiance
Dear Ex-Fiance
I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier. Really, I am. I shouldn't take it out on you. Sometimes, though, when everything starts to pile up (like no one calling me for a job and not having a car and not being able to sleep and not having any money and not being sure when I'll be able to see my psychiatrist or get my medication again) it's hard to not blame you. Like, my head will just kind of sneak in this thought that you put me here, that if you hadn't decided to be selfish and dump me I'd still be in Kingman, helping you set up your classroom and getting ready to start bells and orchestra with you again.
And I do miss that life, more than I even believe I do. I want those things back. But at the same time I know I wasn't really happy there either.
Most of that unhappiness had to do with me. I love(d) you and I was so glad to be living with you and I was looking forward to a life together but my head still never felt right. But there was so much else going on that I couldn't focus on that.
I know that this is where I need to be right now, it's just hard. I miss you. A lot.
But I still believe that we had something very good and very real between us. That connection and those feelings couldn't be fake--at least, I don't think so. And I still believe that if we take some time and if I get better we could have a really wonderful life together.
And that's what I want.
And I want to know if there is any part of you that feels the same. If there's any part of you that wants that too.
I want you to know that if that were the case--if you did want to work things out, if you did want to acknowledge that we're still committed to each other--it wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't rush back to Kingman and move back in with you or anything like that. We could just . . . talk things through, visit each other, whatever.
And I wouldn't expect to jump right back into being engaged, either. I would be content to call you my boyfriend again.
I don't even know why I'm writing all of this; it's just what's been on my mind tonight. I think there is some tiny (and very pathetic) part of me that thinks maybe you do still love me like that, but you don't want to say it because you're afraid of my reaction.
Anyway. I'm exhausted and rambling so goodnight.
I love you.
Love,
Jessica
I'm sorry for being mean to you earlier. Really, I am. I shouldn't take it out on you. Sometimes, though, when everything starts to pile up (like no one calling me for a job and not having a car and not being able to sleep and not having any money and not being sure when I'll be able to see my psychiatrist or get my medication again) it's hard to not blame you. Like, my head will just kind of sneak in this thought that you put me here, that if you hadn't decided to be selfish and dump me I'd still be in Kingman, helping you set up your classroom and getting ready to start bells and orchestra with you again.
And I do miss that life, more than I even believe I do. I want those things back. But at the same time I know I wasn't really happy there either.
Most of that unhappiness had to do with me. I love(d) you and I was so glad to be living with you and I was looking forward to a life together but my head still never felt right. But there was so much else going on that I couldn't focus on that.
I know that this is where I need to be right now, it's just hard. I miss you. A lot.
But I still believe that we had something very good and very real between us. That connection and those feelings couldn't be fake--at least, I don't think so. And I still believe that if we take some time and if I get better we could have a really wonderful life together.
And that's what I want.
And I want to know if there is any part of you that feels the same. If there's any part of you that wants that too.
I want you to know that if that were the case--if you did want to work things out, if you did want to acknowledge that we're still committed to each other--it wouldn't change anything. I wouldn't rush back to Kingman and move back in with you or anything like that. We could just . . . talk things through, visit each other, whatever.
And I wouldn't expect to jump right back into being engaged, either. I would be content to call you my boyfriend again.
I don't even know why I'm writing all of this; it's just what's been on my mind tonight. I think there is some tiny (and very pathetic) part of me that thinks maybe you do still love me like that, but you don't want to say it because you're afraid of my reaction.
Anyway. I'm exhausted and rambling so goodnight.
I love you.
Love,
Jessica
8.01.2012
And Another Hit
When you're on Lithium you have to get lab work done like once a year to make sure it's not killing some of your organs--because Lithium is basically poison.
The lab work is expensive. At the hospital lab here it runs about $400 at least. Obviously I can't afford that.
Last time I had to have it done I went to an urgent care here that did it for super cheap (like $60). So just now I called them to see if they still do lab work.
And they don't!! Concentra no longer does lab work for other providers. So yeah, now I can't get my lab work done.
And that means no Lithium refill.
And I could go on a different medication that doesn't require lab work but it costs like $420 for a one month prescription.
So yeah, I'm fucking fucked. Just totally fucking fucked. Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome.
The lab work is expensive. At the hospital lab here it runs about $400 at least. Obviously I can't afford that.
Last time I had to have it done I went to an urgent care here that did it for super cheap (like $60). So just now I called them to see if they still do lab work.
And they don't!! Concentra no longer does lab work for other providers. So yeah, now I can't get my lab work done.
And that means no Lithium refill.
And I could go on a different medication that doesn't require lab work but it costs like $420 for a one month prescription.
So yeah, I'm fucking fucked. Just totally fucking fucked. Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome.
Insomnia
I am too anxious to sleep.
Last night I had the worst breakdown I've had in years.
All day today I was anxious out of my mind.
Presently I can't stop crying.
I hate my life. I hate everything about it.
I feel like I have no ownership in my life. No say in what happens to me.
I have a job that pays less than $200 a month. And it doesn't matter how many applications I fill out or how many places I send my resume to--I can't make someone give me a job. And for some reason, even though I'm applying for essentially the same job I used to do at the clinic, no one seems to think I'm qualified. And there's no guarantee that anyone ever will call me--isn't that terrifying? I might be stuck doing 12 hours a week at Hastings for the rest of my life!
I can't take care of myself. I can't pay for my own groceries, bills, anything. I can't pay for treatment for my disorders anymore. And there are no options for help. Hastings offers insurance but it doesn't cover mental health, and besides, the hours I get up here, I'd basically be working just to have insurance. And the great state of AZ (which I'll be stuck in forfuckingever since I can't afford to leave) has decided that only women who have popped out kids are worth helping with state insurance. (That is a fact--I don't want children and have never been dumb enough to accidentally get knocked up so therefore I don't qualify for AHCCCS).
I don't have a car. I don't even get to decide when I can and can't leave my house. The city of Flagstaff tells me that, because I have to take the bus everywhere. It blows.
I don't have my own room and because of the cats' litter box being in the bathroom, we have to sleep with the bedroom door open. I have never slept well with open doors. (Don't get me wrong I am BEYOND grateful to Jenny for letting me stay here when Corey decided he was done with me--my gratitude for her is endless . . . but gratitude doesn't put me to sleep).
I don't even have a real bed! I sleep on a flipping air mattress. What most people take on camping trips or throw in their guest rooms, I sleep on permanently. And holy hell my body hates it.
I don't care anymore. I haven't done laundry in a week and later today I'll probably go to work in dirty clothes, and I really could fucking care less. I've stopped writing. I've stopped reading. I just . . . I don't care.
When Corey dumped me my heart was broken (it still is). But I thought, I don't need him--I thought, if I can move away and get myself on my feet financially, if I can buy a car and become . . . become a human being, then I won't care. Sure I'll still love him and miss him but I'd have my own life.
And it's not going as planned, and now I don't have him or a life. Now I have nothing.
And there isn't shit I can do about it. If no one gives me a job then no one gives me a job. No money means no treatment, no treatment means complete mental breakdowns, complete mental breakdown means . . . well, I'll either end up killing myself or I'll be one of those unstable homeless people you see walking around downtown.
Those are my life options. I am 27 years old, and I am a complete waste of space. And this will be my life, always, because I'm not meant for anything more.
I tried to do everything right. I really did. I went to college, I busted my ass, I got a degree, I never did anything awful to anybody, I wasn't a slut, I just . . . I don't understand.
I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't have anything go my way, why I absolutely cannot win. What did I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for the actions of others . . . but that's not something I'm ready to talk about on here yet.
And so begins the downward spiral.
Last night I had the worst breakdown I've had in years.
All day today I was anxious out of my mind.
Presently I can't stop crying.
I hate my life. I hate everything about it.
I feel like I have no ownership in my life. No say in what happens to me.
I have a job that pays less than $200 a month. And it doesn't matter how many applications I fill out or how many places I send my resume to--I can't make someone give me a job. And for some reason, even though I'm applying for essentially the same job I used to do at the clinic, no one seems to think I'm qualified. And there's no guarantee that anyone ever will call me--isn't that terrifying? I might be stuck doing 12 hours a week at Hastings for the rest of my life!
I can't take care of myself. I can't pay for my own groceries, bills, anything. I can't pay for treatment for my disorders anymore. And there are no options for help. Hastings offers insurance but it doesn't cover mental health, and besides, the hours I get up here, I'd basically be working just to have insurance. And the great state of AZ (which I'll be stuck in forfuckingever since I can't afford to leave) has decided that only women who have popped out kids are worth helping with state insurance. (That is a fact--I don't want children and have never been dumb enough to accidentally get knocked up so therefore I don't qualify for AHCCCS).
I don't have a car. I don't even get to decide when I can and can't leave my house. The city of Flagstaff tells me that, because I have to take the bus everywhere. It blows.
I don't have my own room and because of the cats' litter box being in the bathroom, we have to sleep with the bedroom door open. I have never slept well with open doors. (Don't get me wrong I am BEYOND grateful to Jenny for letting me stay here when Corey decided he was done with me--my gratitude for her is endless . . . but gratitude doesn't put me to sleep).
I don't even have a real bed! I sleep on a flipping air mattress. What most people take on camping trips or throw in their guest rooms, I sleep on permanently. And holy hell my body hates it.
I don't care anymore. I haven't done laundry in a week and later today I'll probably go to work in dirty clothes, and I really could fucking care less. I've stopped writing. I've stopped reading. I just . . . I don't care.
When Corey dumped me my heart was broken (it still is). But I thought, I don't need him--I thought, if I can move away and get myself on my feet financially, if I can buy a car and become . . . become a human being, then I won't care. Sure I'll still love him and miss him but I'd have my own life.
And it's not going as planned, and now I don't have him or a life. Now I have nothing.
And there isn't shit I can do about it. If no one gives me a job then no one gives me a job. No money means no treatment, no treatment means complete mental breakdowns, complete mental breakdown means . . . well, I'll either end up killing myself or I'll be one of those unstable homeless people you see walking around downtown.
Those are my life options. I am 27 years old, and I am a complete waste of space. And this will be my life, always, because I'm not meant for anything more.
I tried to do everything right. I really did. I went to college, I busted my ass, I got a degree, I never did anything awful to anybody, I wasn't a slut, I just . . . I don't understand.
I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't have anything go my way, why I absolutely cannot win. What did I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for the actions of others . . . but that's not something I'm ready to talk about on here yet.
And so begins the downward spiral.
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