Better(ish) . . . I Think?

I've felt a little better since my last post.  Maybe not a ton, but enough to notice.  I honestly don't know where that little down swing came from . . . it wasn't menstrual, it wasn't a lack of medication, it was just a random thing.  To be honest, something still feels off, not quite right, but I can't figure out what or why.  So for now, I'm just kind of muddling through, until it either resolves itself or I figure out what's going on and how to fix it.

Thanksgiving was good.  Jerbs and I stayed in Flagstaff and did our dinner from Sprouts, and watched Thanksgiving episodes of TV shows on Netflix.  It was stupidly, frustratingly warm and sunny on Thanksgiving, and that kind of sucked.

Then on Black Friday, my best friend from college, Theresa got engaged!  She and her fiance were in town for a little while, so I got to have dinner with them and a few other of their college friends, and it was so nice!  I am so unbelievably happy for Theresa that I can't even put it into words.  She and her fiance just seem so happy and good together, and it's good to see her so content and thriving.  Seeing them together, and seeing her in such a good place, made me really think about some of the things in my life, and made me want to re-commit to some of the stuff I've been neglecting.

I was sick most of this past week, with a milder version of what I had in October, and that sucked.  I'm finally feeling better, but my head still feels stuffy. 

Other than that I've just been working.  A lot.  I'm still having a bit of a love/hate relationship with my second job.  There are just some aspects of it that make me so uncomfortable . . . mostly calling people and telling them their dues declined.  It's just kind of an unpleasant experience that I put off and avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to give it up, because the extra money is just so helpful . . . and really, the whole billing cycle thing only takes about the first two weeks out of the month, which isn't so bad.  I can suck it up and deal.

One good thing, though, is that MHC is going to pay for me to get my medical coding certification, which is exciting.  I think it'll be really good for me, mostly in the sense of making me more useful for future jobs, and if I don't have to pay for it, why not?  I should be able to enroll in January, and I'll have my certification by July at the latest.  I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm a little worried about how I'll find time to study with everything else I've got going on.

Bullet Points

I feel like I think of at least 3 things I want to blog about every single day, and then I just never have the time.  But I want to keep my blog at least semi updated so . . . bullet points.

1.  I cannot freaking believe it's October.  I feel like summer flew by, I feel like this whole year is just flying by.  It's getting cold out, especially at night, and I love it.  It makes it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, though.

2.  I'm having mixed results with the Lithium at the moment.  In ways I feel better, in ways I feel worse.  I've just felt maybe a little more anxious, a little more up, a little more scattered.  It worried me for a couple days, and then Jerbs reminded me that this happened when I first started Lithium, and also all the times I restarted it.  It's kind of crappy, but at the same time, I'm committed to keeping at it until the levels balance and I feel better.

3.  I also think the Lithium's making me tired, which is frustrating.  I've never been one to be able to just suck it up and fight through being tired, and I feel like I've been dragging the past week or so.  This is a new thing, I don't remember being drowsy on Lithium before, so I'm not sure if it's really that or if it's something else (like the change in the weather, having a sinus infection (STILL), or whatever).  Again, it's one of those things that I'm just kind of waiting out, because it might go away once I'm at my therapeutic dose and my body readjusts to having it in my system.  We'll see.

4.  My mom's buying a house!  Which is pretty much the best thing I've heard all year, and I'm really excited for her.

5.  Jerbs and I have pretty much adopted this stray Siamese cat that had been hanging around our porch.  He used to just come in every night for a little while and eat some cat food, then he started spending the night inside in the living room, and now he sleeps with me every night.  He's the cutest cat.

6.  Work has gotten better since my old office mate moved out.  Now I'm sharing my office with the billing department's new hire, and it's just blissfully quiet.  Plus, having the new girl in my office means she comes to me with all of her questions, and it's been kind of cool to see how much I know about my job.  Not that I really thought there was a lot I didn't know, but it's a good feeling to be able to look at something and just know what needs to be done.  I also just found out last week that our CEO is so impressed with the billing department that we're all getting bonuses in the form of giftcards, which is awesome.  It's nice to be appreciated.

7.  I'm really trying to make October a good month fitness/weight loss wise.  Especially since Lithium is known to cause weight gain, and I definitely don't want to get bigger.  

That's all for now.  More to come.  Someday.  When I'm not as tired.

Just An Update

1.  This week I finished one of my special projects at MHC.  Hallefreakinglujah.  It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It took up pretty much my whole Tuesday but that's OK.

2.  Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week.  Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it.  Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails.  Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate.  Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.

3.  I started doing Couch to 5k this week.  I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running).  At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me.  And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.

4.  I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF.  I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal.  I'm looking forward to that.

5.  I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday.  No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message.  That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow.  Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month.  I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking.  This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity.  I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only.  So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.

5.  Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart.  As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff.  It was the most random thing.  The most absolute random thing.  And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt.  And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together.  Sigh.

What's Up With Ica?

I feel like a blog slacker lately.  And that's dumb because there's actually a lot I want to write about so . . . here's a pretty random mish mash of what's going on in my life.

1.  The debit card debacle.  Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one.  A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing).  I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned.  So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled.  Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days.  Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient.  A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address.  Awesome.  So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge.  I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came.  Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever.  At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card.  So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week.  And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs.  Seriously, WTF.  I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!

2.  The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday.  And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday.  Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday.  I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.

3.  I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today.  I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home).  I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it.  It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards.  Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.

4.  Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor.  I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me.  But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness.  It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten.  I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still.  At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.

5.  I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life).  Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.

6.  In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy.  And I love it.

Another Blah Week

Seriously.  WTF life?

This past week was another just blah kinda thing.  Last week it was my sleep schedule, but this week I don't know what was going on.  I was just exhausted all week.  Exhausted, kinda down, just blah and out of it.  It sucked.

I think it's a few things.  Stress at work, for one, because everything is changing and I don't like it.  I did move into my new office Friday after work, and I think that once I get into it and stuff it'll be fine, but I'm still stressed out about it.  I keep telling myself that regardless of who's doing what in my department there will always be something for me to do, that there is enough work to go around, and that whatever my duties end up being I will keep going to work because I like having a job.  Whenever I start to get really upset about it I make myself remember where I was last November/December--unemployed and desperately checking CraigsList/AZ Daily Sun/Monster every night and hoping that I'd see something that I could do and praying that someone would like what they saw on my resume and called me for an interview.  Those were not fun times and I don't miss it.  I'm also stressed because my one year eval should be coming up right around the corner here (technically it should have already happened) and I just want it to be done and over with.

Also money related stress lately.  I don't know why, because I don't actually have any major money problems at the moment.  Well, aside from not having a debit card (STILL), which is just its own kind of cluster F.  I just keep telling myself to relax.  I have two months this year where I'll get 3 paychecks, which will be helpful to save some, and I should have a decent tax refund coming up.  So really not much to worry about, but I do need to be, in general, better about managing my finances.

I did make a big purchase this weekend of a Polar FT 4 heart rate monitor to help me with my fitness goals.  I'm super excited to wear it tomorrow.  And really, if it helps me get healthy and reach my goals then it was worth what I paid for it.  (Here's where my bank is screwing me--I could have gotten it cheaper online but without my debit card I didn't have that option.  I had to buy locally, which isn't horrible, but still frustrating).

I also started taking a vitamin B complex supplement.  I'm hoping it will help me with my energy level, which, as I mentioned, was non existent this past week.  It already seems to be helping a bit (today, for example, was leaps and bounds better than every other day this week).

Some of this is my lady parts, too, because *that* should be right around the corner.  Blech.

But I'm staying optimistic.  New week, fresh start, all that crap, right?

Another Week

This week was . . . marginally better than last week.  It at least went by a little bit faster.  And I was pretty much on time to work every day.  And on Thursday my co-workers and I spent a good two hours decorating the business office for Christmas, so that was pretty awesome.  I like it when things relax a little at work . . . it just kind of makes everything better.

Let's see.  I sucked at dieting this week for no reason other than that I just didn't give a crap, and I most definitely didn't work out.  Blah.  I frustrate myself.  But tomorrow's a new day and next week is a new week and there's always a chance to do better.  At any rate I definitely haven't gained any weight, so that's good.

But I did fix my MyFitnessPal weight loss ticker thing so that it reflects what I've lost since July, which was when I was at my heaviest.  So that's good.  It's kind of encouraging to see that 6 pounds gone thing.

My Christmas shopping is almost finished.  I just have a few more things to get and I'm waiting on a shipment from Amazon and then I'll be done.  I love wrapping presents, though, so I'm excited for that.

I'm so tired right now.  I feel like I have a bunch of random stuff I want to write about but I'm always too sleepy and whatever.

I think I'm stressed right now too.  Between the holidays, work stuff, and other stuff . . . gah.  One big thing is that I need to find a new psychiatrist, because I'm really just done with my current one and the office over there.  I'm not going to deal with them anymore, y'know?  I'm jut dreading it . . . like seriously dreading it.  Hopefully someone will be able to get me in before the end of the year, because that would be best.  But I'm OK on medicine and all so there isn't going to be any stupid crisis or anything.  Just not a fun process.  At all.

I'm also in this weird cleaning/organizing the house mood, which is super stupid at Christmas time because deep organizing with Christmas gifts and wrapping paper all over the place is just . . . well, stupid.

I'm rambling.  I'm so tired.

I think it might be time for bed.

Sigh

This popped up on Facebook today.

And I giggled.  And then I cringed.  And then I hoped--hoped hoped hoped--that this is never how I'm thought of, by him or anyone else.

Oh, Y'know, Nothing Much

So let's see.

I had my first evaluation at work last week.  It was my 90 day done about a month late (my boss and I tried to schedule it like 5 times and then things kept coming up and we'd have to reschedule).  Anyway, it went really, really well.  I was basically told I'm doing a great job and to keep up the good work.  The only thing I need to work on is modifiers, which I already knew.  Overall my job performance is rated 3.9/5, so not too shabby.  It's really odd to have a job where I'm not constantly worried that I suck or that I'm about to get fired.

Having a car is awesome.  I love it.  The only thing I can complain about is the gas mileage but that seems to be improving so I'm not too worried.  There are definitely moments where I completely panic about it and think things like OMG I can't afford this and I need to just give the car back or something and what was I thinking this was a gigantic mistake . . . but I know that's just me being me, because worrying is what I do.

There are things I miss about the bus.  I miss a few of the drivers, and in a way I miss the schedule . . . I've been 5 minutes late to work every day since I got the car because I just can't seem to get the timing right, which is lame.  And I miss my morning downtime.  I didn't realize how nice it was to leave the house and then have 40 minutes to just kind of veg out and listen to music on the bus before I got to work.  Without that I feel like I just go go go in the mornings, which isn't really a bad thing, it's just an adjustment.

Last Friday Jerbs was off so after I got off work, we spent the day together.  We had lunch at Karma (a sushi place downtown), wandered around the downtown area, then bought some bread and picked up Max and went to the lakes near our house to feed the ducks and let Max enjoy himself.  It was so much fun.  Max peed on just about everything, chased some ducks, and spent a good chunk of his time begging us for chunks of bread.  That dog, I swear.

But Max's weirdness aside (and who am I kidding, I love that he's weird) it was an awesome day.  I felt happy, and I realized after we got home from the pond that not once that day had I thought, "This would have been better with Corey."  I think I'm genuinely starting to get over it.  That's a strange feeling but a good one, and I don't know if I really am getting over it or if this is just kind of a phase (because I've kinda felt like this before).  At any rate I just wanted to mention that.

I'm going to Kingman this weekend to visit my family.  I planned to go because it was supposed to be Austin's last T-ball game of the season and I really wanted to see him play, but for whatever reason the last 2 games were canceled.  I'm bummed because I was really excited to see him play.  Austin is counting down the days until I get there . . . today it was only 2 more sleeps!  I think it's totally precious how he measures time in sleeps.  Too adorable.  I just love him and I'm looking forward to seeing him.

What's In My Bag?

I've seen the "what's in my bag?" post on quite a few other blogs so I figured I'd do one too.  Because my purse is a very exciting place and all . . .

My bag.  Not too fancy, but it cost less than $10.
The cool pin I have on one side--sort of a joke.
My elephant friend I keep on the other side.

My wallet.

A week's worth of Lithium and Paxil.
I carry it with me so I remember to take it.
Various chapsticks, tissues, and hand sanitizer.

A bus map so I know where I'm going.
Random money--most of the change is now in my change jar.
My iPod, earbuds, and spare earbud cover thingies.
Sunglasses (don't leave home without them) and emergency hair brush.

I also usually have a couple hair ties/claw clips, my winter hat and gloves, and a bottle of water in there too.

So . . .

My phone has a flashlight.  A real flashlight like Jerbs' phone does.  This might actually be my favorite thing about the new phone.  Because I'm a dork.

I updated my resume so it has my new number on it.  Woohoo job applications.

I realized that this is the first new, good phone I've had since Corey broke my old one.  (Long story there but he snapped it in half.  I sorta deserved it).  That was last summer and in the time since I've had just hand me down phones from his family and from Jerbs.  I love that I have something that's just mine now.

Also, in non phone related news, the other night Jerbs and I were at the mall and I told her I felt kind of losery.  (I was having a bad day).  She said to me, "Jessica, you're not a loser.  You're just tired."  It was hilarious, and I want to remember it.

Lately

I finally admitted defeat in the air bed battle.  I deflated the bed and now I'm just sleeping on the floor on top of it.  It's actually not too bad.  I sleep for longer chunks of time because I don't wake up every 20 minutes needing to re-inflate the stupid thing, and it's kind of a relief to know I'm not bugging the neighbors with the sound of the inflating or anything.  Most mornings I wake up when Jerbs leaves and I go in her bed for a few hours, which is always nice.  At this point I'm just keeping my eyes out for a good deal on a mattress/box spring set.
--------------------
I've been having phone issues for about a week now.  Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts.  I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card.  This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me.  Blech.  Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one.  Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
--------------------
Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday.  He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room.  Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor.  It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night.  I love that little dog.
---------------------
I've been biting my nails again lately.  I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them.  Weird.  And a little disappointing.
---------------------
I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart.  He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
---------------------
Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest?  I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th!  That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
----------------------
Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon.  I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money.  I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those.  All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.

Why Yes, We Did Grow Up in the '90's, How Did You Know?

Tonight Jerbs and I went to the mall.  Our mall has a bunch of TV's in the food court that play music videos, and one of those systems where you can text request music videos.  In our opinion, it makes the mall a lot better.  Right now they're doing a promo thing for the group One Direction, so their songs/videos are getting a lot of play.  It makes us feel old.

So anyway, tonight I learned that Jerbs actually knows who all the One Direction guys are (courtesy of a co-worker who's a fan), and it was pretty entertaining.  As we're watching one of their videos, Jerbs called one of them Fetus Spice (because they're so young) and that led to us giving each of them a spice name.  Because honestly, we're old and can't tell them apart by name, and also, we are children of the '90's.

This is Fluffy Spice, because of his hair.

This is Leprechaun Spice, because he's Irish.

This is Old Spice.
Because he's 20.

This is Troubled Spice because he looks
kinda moody.

This is Muslim Spice, because he's openly
Muslim, which I think is awesome.

Jerbs was looking at their Wikis on her phone while we were at the mall and she said, "Hey, Leprechaun Spice likes Bon Jovi."  Weirdest sentence ever.  I laughed so hard I cried.

So yep, this is what Jerbs and I do on Saturday nights.  I love it.  And really, the bulk of our relationship is built on our ability to make each other laugh and make fun of people.

Fact

It's virtually impossible to have a bad day when your day involves pizzookie.

This Pain is MY Pain

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who always tell you that it could be worse when you're not doing well.

I hate it even more when people go into specifics.  When they say things like, "Well, at least you aren't [somewhere currently affected by a natural disaster] [suffering from some awful disease like so and so] [dealing with blah blah blah like so and so] [whatever other specific example you can think of]."

I know that sentiment is rarely, if ever, meant as an insult or a negative.  I think generally when people say it they're trying to remind you to count your blessings.  I respect that, and being reminded to be thankful isn't necessarily a bad thing.  And yes, most of those examples are, objectively, worse than what I'm going through.  Right now, I'm going through a break up, and yes, I'd rather be dealing with this than a natural disaster or a bad medical diagnosis or a lot of other things.

But that doesn't mean I'm not hurting.  It doesn't mean that what I'm going through isn't the worst thing to me.  It doesn't mean that whatever I'm going through is meaningless in comparison to what anyone else is going through.  This is my obstacle right now, and it feels like hell.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not trying to say that other peoples' pain doesn't matter or that I don't keep those I know who are dealing with some bad things in my thoughts and prayers.  It does and I do.  Absolutely.

I just don't like the concept of comparing grief and pain.  It's not a contest.  And honestly, if it was a contest, is it one you'd really want to win?

I think everyone has their own pain to deal with, whether it's something tremendous like losing parts of their lives to a natural disaster, or something not quite as tremendous as being dumped a month before your wedding.  And I think we should respect one another's pain--respect the fact that it exists and is real to them, even if we can't see it.  Does that make sense?  Just because you think someone else might be hurting more, it doesn't mean that the person you're talking to isn't hurting.

When people confide in me about whatever it is they're going through, I never tell them it could be worse.  I only tell them it'll get better, and that I'll listen if they need someone to talk to, and that if I can help them some other way, I will.  If I catch myself thinking that they don't know crap about grief or pain based on what I've gone through myself, I tell myself to shut up.  Because their pain is theirs and I don't know what it feels like to them.

Interesting

Tonight in my internet rounds, I came across an article on MSNBC.com that talked about how marriage proposals are becoming bigger and bigger and more public events; about how so many men now propose in big public ways, like with flash mobs or on stage at concerts for whatever.  And how there are apparently event planners now who specialize in this sort of thing.  I was reading the article about midway through I came across this quote:

"Sure, you can have an intimate proposal between two people--but that's not the way a couple or a family live their lives together.  They live their lives connected to hundreds of other people.  This kind of a proposal takes it to a more natural place where you get to share this moment with people who care about you and hundreds of other people as well."

And it really just kind of caught my attention and made me think.

The guy who said this has a point.  We are very, very social beings these days, and we live in a place and time where it's really easy to connect to other people.  We share our whole lives with people without even blinking--I mean, look at this blog.  It's public, but I don't mind in the least that there are potentially strangers reading it.  We're almost trained to share our lives anymore.  I don't really think it's necessarily a bad thing; a lot of good has come from having a world that is so interconnected in so many ways.  I think sharing so much can make us feel validated, almost, and that's why we're so drawn to work.  Networking definitely has its advantages.

BUT.  The thought of sharing some of the most beautiful moments of my life with hundreds of complete strangers is something I don't like the sound of.  I have no problem discussing some elements of my personal life or venting online to strangers.  But there are definitely some things I want kept to myself.

I firmly believe that there are some parts of our lives that should still be private, and love/marriage is one of them.  Obviously we all talk about those things with people to an extent, but at the same time, I think that when two people are in love or married there should be some things that are only between them.  I mean, isn't that the point of a serious relationship?  That it's different than any of the other relationships in your life?  Closer, more intimate?  That's what I think--that a marriage should be an intimate thing that doesn't involve hundreds of other people, and that there's nothing wrong with that.

I felt very strongly about this when Corey and I started discussing forever, and I realized I'd be getting engaged or married.  I thought about what I really wanted out of those things.  I knew I wanted an intimate proposal, and it was; Corey and I were hiking in Sedona, along the Oak Creek, when he asked me to marry him, and I've never told anyone exactly what he said when he did it.  Just because I want it to be ours alone. It was beautiful, and I think that if I'd been being watched by a ton of other people, I'd have hated it.  Because it was just the two of us . . . I don't know, it felt like there was some kind of promise in that.  The engagement was really the beginning of the rest of our lives (or so I imagined it to be at the time) and since it was just us, it felt like that was what I was agreeing to.  That I was saying yes to there always being an us--that at the end of the day, whatever was going on in our lives, good or bad, it would come down to the two of us.  Cheesy, I know, but totally true.

Then as we started to plan the wedding the question of who would be our Maid of Honor and Best Man came up.  I won't lie, I didn't really have anyone I could ask.  I don't have a lot of good friends.  Well, there's Jerbs, but given that she's my ex, her being in the wedding seemed like a no no.  So it probably would have been one of my sisters, and I didn't want to have to choose just one of them.  Corey had someone in mind but they hadn't talked in a long time so it wasn't a for sure thing.  I stressed over this, trying to figure out who I could see standing by my side when I said my vows, and eventually, I realized that I didn't want anyone there.  I wanted (and Corey agreed with this) it to just be Corey and me at the altar.  That made sense to me.  It felt more intimate that way--it felt like the way I wanted to start our life together.  I honestly think that once I thought it over that's what I would want regardless of whether or not I have an obvious choice for Maid of Honor.  It's still what I want for my someday wedding, whether it's with Corey or not.

Really, when I was with Corey, especially after we moved in together, my favorite parts of our relationship were the just us times.  I loved going home together, and that the day always ended and began with us alone.  (Again, cheesy as hell . . . but true).

I'm not saying that engagements and weddings aren't awesome things that shouldn't be shared with friends and family.  I just think that our society tends to focus more on those things than the actual marriage.  And this article insinuated at points that people are feeling more social pressure to make those parts of their lives huge, public spectacles, and I think that's sad.  There's nothing wrong with wanting intimacy over exposure, in my opinion.

Besides, a fancy, elaborate, public proposal doesn't mean you're more loved than anyone else.  It doesn't mean your marriage is going to be better because of it.  And it doesn't matter either how big the engagement ring is or how many people are in your wedding or at your wedding or how much the dress cost or how much you spend on the honeymoon.  I mean, there's nothing wrong with those things, but not one of them guarantees a successful marriage.  And the engagement doesn't last forever, and the wedding's only a day, but the marriage is forever.

Anyway.  Just my opinion of the matter.

Lowlights and Highlights

Lowlights of today:

--I'm sick.  Stuffy nose, massive sinus pressure between my eyes, itchy face, plugged ears, chest congestion, sore throat, cough.  It sucks and is very lame.
--My paycheck was tiiiiiiiny.  I seriously spent the whole thing today between treating Jerbs to lunch, buying my weekly groceries, and picking up my Lithium prescription.  (My Li prescription is the expensive one).
--I still haven't heard anything from the job; I think I'm going to give them a call tomorrow just to touch base because . . . well, because I really have a good feeling about it.
--The bus was obnoxious.  Especially the ride on route 4 to the transfer station to get home, which was held up because of people who had no idea what they were doing and took 5 minutes to get on, and had one passenger who was an overweight woman telling another passenger all about the infection she got between the folds of her skin.  (Seriously, ick.  Indoor voices!)
--Hauling groceries home on the bus just kinda isn't fun.  Especially when you're sick.

Highlights of today:

--Suit kid.  There was this kid on the bus who was no more than 11 or 12, and he was wearing a 3 piece suit and tie, and carrying a lunchbox and a briefcase.  He just kept checking his watch and it was hilarious.  Jerbs in particular was highly entertained and we imagined him thinking things like, "Today is just not my day . . . Lost the Miller account, and Mom forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J."
--Even though it's expensive it's good to have my Lithium.  And I was able to buy it myself so that's good.
--Jerbs bought me cough drop and Tylenol Cold/Cough, which seems to have helped a little.

I think that's it.  I'm gong to take some drugs and hit the sack . . . I feel like poo.

Is That A Urinal?

This evening after I got off work, I had about 40 minutes to kill until I had to walk to the bus.  So I wandered into Bookmans, because it's next door, and did some browsing.  And I got to pet a really cute puppy.

It was about time to leave so I decided to go to the bathroom.  So I walk to the back of the store and go into the bathroom, and when I get inside I think to myself, why is there only one stall in here?  I thought there 2.  But whatev.  I walk towards the stall and in the space next to it there is . . . a urinal.

Yep, I went into the men's room.

I don't know how I managed that, because I've peed at Bookman's before.  The only thing I can think is that before the remodel, Bookman's had non gender specific single bathrooms on either side of the little alcove, and I used to always use the one on the left, which is now the men's room.

Needless to say I booked it out of there and into the women's room.  I'm just glad the bathroom was empty because I'd have been truly mortified if there'd been some poor dude using the urinal when I walked in.

Random Stuff

1) Hastings got a surprise corporate visit today, and the upper management guys were like OMG your store is a huge mess and way behind in stuff!  So now we basically have unlimited hours to get shit done, so I'm going in early tomorrow (though why I agreed to help out when they're effing me over next week is beyond me . . . but whatev).  But it's payday and I'm going to buy my new sunglasses and I'm excited about that.

2) Ironically, now that I've been in Flag a few months and am still getting screwed by my job and job hunting, I actually got a call from the Mohave County Sheriff's office about a job I applied for just after the breakup.  It's a dispatcher job and they're doing the prelim testing for it tomorrow and Friday so if I can make it . . . yeah.  It's really not even something I'd consider at this point but still, it's a bit annoying.  Although between that and the five hour work week thing I wonder if it might be a sign to head back?  But no, I don't really think that.

3) Tonight on the bus ride after work the bus driver played "Still The One" by Orleans.  Totally a song that makes me think of Ex-Fiance and even though it made me sad, I didn't cry.  (One night when we'd been dating a few months, that song came on Ex-Fiance's iPod while we were driving.  He asked me if I knew it, which I did, and then he promised that he'd sing it to me someday when we'd been married for decades.  And he sang it to me that night and all the other times it came on his iPod too).

4) Last night I had a break down.  I've been kinda spotty with taking my medicine, which I'm not proud of.  I don't know why I get so forgetful about that.  So I'm going to try to get back on it and do as well as I was doing.  However, I also recovered last night and was OK after about a half hour-ish, so that's definitely a good sign.

5) During said break down I took a walk and ended up deciding to go check out the work out room at the other apartment complex.  I didn't have the key with me (and I think it was closed anyway) but the lights were still on and I looked in the windows, and I think they have a few ellipticals!  So that's exciting

6) Last night I was trying to help Jenny stretch her back, and I decided to see if I could still do a bridge.  I could, which made me happy, but holy hell I was sore today.  Like my whole body just ached . . . so no more random gymnastics moves.