Halloween 2013

This Halloween was pretty uneventful.

I had to work, and the night before work, I got an anonymous Halloween gift from a co-worker (I know who it was, though) and it was kind of part of a chain thing, so I had to get two other co-workers gifts. And the gifts kind of gave me some Halloween spirit so at the last minute I signed up to bring pumpkin chocoloate chip cookies to the Halloween pot luck at work. In the process of signing up I kind of got roped into bringing some “real food” as well.

So I went straight from the work to the store and bought stuff for my gift bags, ingredients for my cookies, and ingredients for a baked potato soup I found online. I figured soup was fairly simple, and I could put it in my crockpot to keep warm at the party.

As soon as I got home I started on the soup. It was pretty easy after the chopping and peeling type stuff was done, and Jerbs helped me a lot. Once that was done I made the cookies, and then I put my gift bags together. By the time I finished everything it was time for bed, and I was exhausted, and my legs were absolutely killing me after being in heels all freaking day long. I pretty much fell into bed and didn't sleep all that well.

Halloween itself wasn't bad. My soup and cookies were a hit and my gift bags were too. I won't lie, though, I felt like I got hit by a damn truck all day long. My legs hurt from the heels thing (I definitely wore flats on Halloween), and I was completley exhausted. I think never having any actual, legit down time the day before really hurt my sleep cycle. I'm definitely the type of person who needs to just veg out for a while and unwind after work before I go to bed.

After work I came home determined to not give in to taking a nap, but after a couple hours, I just couldn't help it. Jerbs was sick so she laid down too, and we both pretty much took like 3 hour naps. It was actually pretty awesome.

I definitely wished I could have been in Kingman, though, hanging out with Austin and taking him trick or treating and handing out candy at my mom's.

But overall, not a bad Halloween.

Feeling Better And Getting Sick(?)

Mentally I'm feeling much better.  A weekend back on my medication and with some decent sleep has done me a world of good.  I'm still not 100% (still a little anxious at times) but still, much, much better.  Friday night in particular was amazing, because I took two a/d's and a Benadryl and just crashed.  It was blissful to actually be able to sleep.

And Jerbs being gone wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Although I did feel bad for Max who was stuck at home with a mom who didn't particularly feel like doing anything all weekend; I pretty much just wanted to stay inside and rest.  I swear Max nearly had a heart attack when we picked Jerbs up from the bus station on Sunday evening, he was just so HAPPY.

So mentally things are improving and that's awesome.  I'm still pretty livid that I had to deal with this ridiculous setback at all but at the same time, I'm not going to let it define me.  I won't lie, I had a few moments where the "what ifs" spiraled out of control and I worried that I'd never get my medicine and then lose my job and then my car and never get well again and that this snafu would be the unraveling of everything I'd accomplished.  But that's completely not the case.  And I know that, so I'm working very hard to not let it get me down.  At least this time around I can say that it was absolutely not my fault at all; this had nothing to do with me being non-compliant or rebellious or in denial like I used to be, and everything to do with some stupid miscommunication between other people.  At this point I don't give a shit what happened as long as it gets fixed and doesn't happen again.

As great as mental health is, I think I'm getting physically sick.  I mentioned that there's some nastiness going around work right now--bronchitis or something similar.  Basically a week ago today the one co-worker I absolutely despise because he is literally the most wretchedly annoying person I've ever met came to work sick.  He proceeded to walk around the business office hacking like mad and never covering his mouth or using hand sanitizer (seriously, he's disgusting, and we watched).  But his boss (the CEO) wouldn't send him home, and when he told him to wear a mask, the gross co-worker insisted he wasn't sick.  And sure enough by Tuesday one co-worker was coughing, and by Wednesday two more were.  My office mate and I shut our door, disinfected our entire office space, and crossed our fingers.

Well, today, one sick co-worker was fine, one is better, and one has a doctor's appointment tomorrow because she thinks she has pneumonia.  PNEUMONIA.

So far I've managed to not get it but then this evening . . . I don't know.  I'm starting to feel under the weather.  I was OK until I got off work, but once I got home, all I wanted to do was go to bed.  I slept through DWTS, and you know it's serious if I miss that.

All I can say is that if I'm getting sick it best be out of my system by Halloween because on November 1st I'm going to Kingman for a certain darling nephew's 5th birthday party, which I really, really don't want to miss.  At the same time, I'm not going to be a dick and infect my family and a bunch of 5 year old kids with potential pneumonia.  So my fingers are crossed.

And btw, it's windy as all hell and freezing and doing something like raining outside right now . . . I love this weather, sick or not!

Cluster F Update # 2

Today I called my pharmacy and asked if it was possible that my script request had gone to Arkansas.  The guy basically laughed at me and told me it would have gone to the office it originated in, and then told me again that it had been denied by the doctor's office.  So I asked him who had denied it, because from what I've always seen, Rx denials/approvals have to be signed by the doctor doing it.  And he told me that they wouldn't have that information on file.  Um, what?  So I asked if he could give me the number it had been faxed to and he told me that that information wasn't available either because supposedly they delete denied requests as soon as they're denied.  Ummmm . . . yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and put out there that not documenting things like this is incredibly irresponsible and probably illegal in some places.

I asked him again if he was sure he couldn't tell me who denied it and he got kinda snippy with me, and let me tell you that right now is just not the time for that, and I may have snapped a little.

I said to him, "So if I snap and kill myself this weekend because I'm out of my medication and my family decides to sue your pharmacy for incompetence, you'd have no way to prove that the doctor denied my prescription to cover your own ass?"  I usually think of really mean things to say to people providing shitty customer service and then scale it back to a less asshole-ish level but today . . . yeah.  Needless to say he had no response for that so after a very tense several second silence, I sarcastically told him he'd been very helpful and hung up.

Then I called my doctor's office, who told me that my request definitely wouldn't have gone to AR, but that it hadn't come to then either and that they genuinely have no clue what the pharmacy is saying.  At this point, I believe them.  So the girl I talked to took my prescription and pharmacy info. and said she'd get a message to the doctor  to just call in a new refill.  I told her it was urgent and she said she'd try to make sure it was called in today.

But, that didn't happen.  I called the pharmacy this evening and they hadn't been called, but they did offer to give me a 3 day supply just so I could get through the weekend.  It cost me 40 cents* and when I got home and opened the bottle, I found they'd given me 5 pills instead of 3.  Which has pretty much been the highlight of my week.

The new full script should be called in on  Monday, which is a tremendous relief.

This debacle has now taken 3 full freaking blog entries.  Ridiculous.  Is it really too much to ask that people whose jobs significantly effect other peoples' lives get their shit together?

*And naturally, I didn't have any cash on me whatsoever, and no change other than some random pennies at the bottom of my purse, so I had to put 40 cents on my freaking debit card.  Huuuuge pet peeve of mine!  I hate putting less than a dollar on my debit card, it's so stupid.

An Update On The Cluster F

My doctor's office called today and left a voicemail saying that they never got a refill request.  So either they're lying or the guy I talked to at my pharmacy is a moron.  Honestly, based on my experience, I'd say that neither is outside the realm of possibility.  I did 5 more refill requests online, which I'm sure will annoy the hell out of the pharmacy, but I'm a little bit done with this crap so they can deal.

So if the issue is that the office never got the request, and if it went through today, I should have my medicine by Saturday, or Sunday at the latest.  I'm hoping for the best case scenario.  Like really, really hoping, because I feel awful.

This is what a week + off my a/d means:
--not sleeping well and vivid, vivid dreams
--hot flashes all.day.long
--random breathlessness
--feelings of intense awkwardness . . . seriously, today at work I felt like a little kid trying to talk to grown ups
--feeling flustered/flushed, especially during conversations
--talking louder/faster than usual
--y'know how your head feels after a long, intense cry?  physically clogged and emotionally empty?  yeah, that . . . all.effing.day
--random flashes of the worst kind of anxiety--this burning, all encompassing flash of pure panic that literally makes me feel like I might collapse . . . fortunately, it only lasts a few seconds or minutes right now, and I've not had any full anxiety attacks yet

Yeah.  Lame.  It sucks.  I just . . . I can't believe I used to live like this.

Anyway, Jerbs is going out of town tomorrow, to visit B and her husband in Phoenix, and I'm a wreck about it.  Normally, I don't mind her leaving--I'm happy she gets to take a little vacation and I like my alone time . . . but I'd rather not be alone when I'm like this.  I'm sure I'll be fine, but still.

This whole thing is just so damn frustrating.  I'm angry that my ability to lead a normal life is so incredibly contingent on other people doing their jobs correctly.  Something about that is just so daunting.  I'll most likely need these medications the rest of my life, which I'm fine with, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life dealing with the up and down BS that come from someone else's fuck ups.  It makes me feel kind of helpless, and I hate that.

So hopefully this will be resolved quickly, and I'll be able to get back on track.  The good thing with the a/d's is that they get back into your system fairly fast, so it won't take long to feel better.  And if it doesn't get resolved quickly I'm prepared to fight harder.

***EDIT:  It just occurred to me . . . the prescription I requested a refill on was written by my old doctor, who is now practicing in Arkansas.  And now I'm wondering . . . if the pharmacy has his dems updated to his new practice, then maybe my request went there.  Which would explain the denial--because he's not my provider anymore--and the fact that the office here never got it.  Naturally by the time I thought of this the pharmacy was already closed but I'll definitely have to look into it tomorrow.  I'm so relieved to have possibly found the explanation for all this!

Deep . . . Deep . . . Deep . . . Breaths

Sooooo . . . let's talk about the gigantic cluster F that is my mental health treatment right now.

There are two parts to this story, and I really  can't remember what I've talked about here and what I haven't, so let's just start at the beginning.

The first part of this story is that I owe my doctor's office money that they can't legally collect from me.  Basically, they're trying to do what's called "balance billing"--an illegal practice that involves charging a patient for the difference between the insurance's allowed amount for a service and what the doctor's office charges for a service.  Every insurance company has what's called a fee schedule, which consists of their allowed amounts for cpt codes--in other words, every insurance company basically says, this is what we'll pay for whatever code, and this is the most our insured members can be charged for this code.  Does that make sense?

So MHC does the smart thing, and links each pt. account to their specific insurance's fee schedule, so that we're already billing the allowed amount.  That way we never have to do any weird additional adjustments on claims; it's very handy.  But some doctor's offices bill the insurance companies their cash pay rates, which is dumb and just makes more work.

So this is what happened to me.  I paid $180.40 at my visit with the crappy temp doctor.  Which was all good and fine and whatever.  Then around the beginning of the month-ish, I got a bill from his office for $219.60.  Why?  Because their charge for the cpt 99205 is $400.00, and according to them, I owed the difference between that and what I paid.

However, I work in medical billing, and not a day goes by that I don't look at the BCBS fee schedule, so I know that their allowed amount for that particular code is only about $265.  Meaning that unless BCBS says that I'm not insured by them, my doctor's office legally cannot charge me more than $265 for that visit.  I called them and left a voicemail saying I'd be glad to pay the difference of like $85 but that I wasn't paying a penny more than that.  In return they said I needed to call my insurance because they needed records from a previous provider.  Which I did, and guess what?  The provider they need records from is my old doctor . . . whose records are AT THE SAME FREAKING OFFICE AS MY NEW DOCTOR.  Effing ridiculous.  So I may be in a pre-existing condition period at this point, which is fine, because I have a high deductible anyway so I was fully anticipating paying for the visit.  But regardless of the reason that BCBS says they won't pay (unless it's for no coverage, which it won't be), I legally do not have to pay more than the allowed amount.  Again, I do this for a living and I know for a fact that I'm right.

In the same voicemail as telling them I'd only pay the allowed amount I asked what was going on with my prescriptions and was told to request a refill through my pharmacy.  I did that last week, and yesterday, upon calling the pharmacy to check the prescription status, I was told that the doctor had denied it.  Um . . . what?  The only thing I can figure is that they're denying it because of the money that I owe them, which makes me livid beyond comprehension.  I called and left a voicemail (they never answer their phone) and haven't heard back yet.  I'm now about a week off of my antidepressants and I am not feeling well.  I'm so.freaking.mad.

Tomorrow I'm going to call BCBS (at my boss's recommendation) and let them know what's going on as far as the balance billing stuff.  Insurance companies take that very seriously and they could revoke their credentialing with this particular physician if it's a regular practice.  And in AZ, losing your BCBS contract means going out of business.

I also printed out the forms to file a complaint with the AZ Medical Board, and if this isn't resolved soon, those forms will be filled out and sent to Phoenix faster than this office can say "sorry, our bad."

In the meantime, I'm trying very hard to relax and keep calm and just go about my life, but it's very difficult.  I can feel symptoms creeping back and I hate it more than I can say.  It makes me so angry that I do everything that I'm supposed to, and that ultimately this doctor would rather make an extra $140 than give his patients proper care.

What I find really upsetting is that I only caught this error because stuff like this is my job.  I wonder how many other patients who don't know anything about medical billing have just paid their balance and not thought anything of it?  Incredibly depressing.  Taking advantage of mentally ill patients is disgusting.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

Deep Breaths

Sometimes . . . I start to feel really overwhelmed and scattered.  Just by life in general.

I always seem to have a lot on my mind these days.  I have a lot of things I want and need to do and I just can't seem to find the time to get to all of them, and it bothers me.  A lot.  And then as I don't get to things and they kind of pile up in my head, that's when the overwhelmed/scattered feelings start.  I don't like it.  I get to a point where I feel like I'm just kind of letting my life pass me by and as it does, all I do is work, sleep, and eat.

This feeling gets especially strong late Saturday night.  That's when the holy-shit-the-weekend's-almost-over kind of stuff kicks in.

When it comes to my weekends Sundays are pretty much reserved for laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, and other errand type stuff.  Chores, basically.  So fun stuff that I want to do, like writing and sewing and stuff, get done on Friday and Saturday.  And the time just seems to FLY by and before I know it, it's time to go back to work and I feel like I've wasted a weekend doing . . . not much.

I think a lot of it is the M-F schedule.  I've never had a job like that till MHC and even though I'm incredibly happy there, it's a little tough.  I've been there 9 months now and in that time every single one of my co-workers has taken at least one vacation of a week or more.  I'm thinking I need to do something like that soon.  I don't really know how much PTO I have but . . . definitely something to think about.

I also need to talk to my doctor (or A doctor, since I don't technically have a doctor at the moment) about the potential for thyroid issues, because I still have problems that could be associated with that.  I never have any energy and I sleep far more than I should on weekends; I wake up with headaches pretty frequently these days and I'm tired 90% of the time.  It's endlessly frustrating.  I'd be willing to bet actual money that my thyroid's screwed up--maybe just very very borderline but still--and that treatment for that would be helpful, but until my blood tests actually say something really definitively negative, it's not going to happen.  Sigh.

Anyway, right now I'm taking deep breaths and reminding myself that there really are no deadlines in everyday life, so I'll get to all the things I want to do when I do.  And that whatever physical problems I might be having will eventually get treated, because it'll eventually show up on some test or I'll find a more lenient doctor.

Deep.  Breaths.

Online Dating

Confession: I have a profile on Match.com.  I have for a couple months now, but I rarely think about it or check it.  It was made from a combination of being bored one night and just kind of being curious about what's out there.

It's not something I'm taking seriously right now.  I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating.  I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me.  Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix.  Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.

I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now.  Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet.  But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?

When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed.  I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with.  The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least.  Very, very daunting.

Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want!  You need to make a bold move!"  (That's a direct quote, I swear).  So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him.  Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks.  But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him.  I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back.  It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high.  I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.

I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing.  I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to.  And I've done that, I think.  For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health.  Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.

It Snowed Yesterday

It's true.  Yesterday Flag got its first snowfall of the season.  It really wasn't anything to get excited about, just off and on flurries that didn't stick at all (by the time I left work it just looked like it had rained), but it was still pretty and nice to watch from my desk at work.  And even though nothing stuck here in town, the Peaks are covered in white and look absolutely beautiful.

The snow made me think of a lot of things I need to buy.  Like a scraper/brush for the car, which I completely spaced since I didn't have a car this time last year.  And snow boots, since the ones I currently have decided to stop being water proof last winter.  And a new coat, because the one I've worn the past 3 years is randomly too tight in the shoulders.  It fits everywhere else, though.

I should probably get some actual snow tires put on the car, too, but the thought of spending that much money makes me cringe.

Today was clear and sunny, just cold, and we're not supposed to get more snow for awhile.  I love the cooler temperatures and having to turn the heater on at home.  This is easily my favorite time of year.

Happy Pictures

Today was a cruddy day.  I was tired and sore and woke up with a splitting headache, I didn't get to shower before work, I skipped the gym, and I ate my feelings.  I'm just . . . sad.  And I know why, and I know it'll pass, but unfortunately, it's not something that's fixable.  And that royally, royally sucks.

So here are some pictures that have made me happy recently.  Enjoy.

Max is very protective of his toys, especially from the 

cats.  Which is why he's usually holding on to at least two

of them at once.

Side note: in the time since this picture was taken he

chewed that bone into pieces and then puked up some of the

pieces next to my bed.  Because he loves me.

Max and Irene are kind of friends now.  Well, they at

least tolerate one another.  But only because they both

love my bed.

Halloween nails round one!  It's a spider web/spider

pattern from our stamper set.

Close up.  I love how these turned out.

Max won't share his toys, but this past weekend he let

Benji share his new bone.  Benji can't chew on bones anymore,

so he just kind of licked it.  It's ham flavored.

It was seriously the sweetest thing I've ever seen.  I might

have teared up a little when it happened.

And even though I skipped the gym today, I did do my lower body workout at home.  So I at least did *something*.  Baby steps.

Weigh In # 10 (2013)

Weight: 194.0
BMI: 34.4

I'm home from work with a wretched migraine (and having anxiety attacks that I'm going to get fired for being a slacker because my mind is lovely) and randomly remembered I hadn't posted a blog entry.

I'm about to pass out so all I'm gong to say about September is that it wasn't my best, but I'll take it.