Today I've just been numb. The combination of it being my would have been wedding day and the day before I move away from Corey (potentially for good) has not been pleasant. I feel numb and shut down and almost outside of my body. I really can't believe this is all happening.
I've gone through the motions. I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.
I do not want what's happening. I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.
I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here. But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today. My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.
Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon. This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends. As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.
It fucking blew.
And of course I don't want to move. There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.
I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it. I just hope that's true.
6.30.2012
My Saucy
Hands down the hardest part about leaving is explaining it to Austin. He knows I'm going to Flagstaff, but he keeps asking if I'm coming back "after Flagstaff." And I've tried to tell him that I'll definitely come back and visit but that I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to stay. And he doesn't get it.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
6.28.2012
Confession: Glee
I have to confess that since Saturday, I've been watching Glee on Netflix. I swore up and down that I'd never watch it and I really thought I'd hate it, but . . . I actually kind of love it.
On the episode I watched tonight they did a song that's originally by Sammy Davis Jr. that I'd never heard before, and one of the lyrics was: "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me."
It kinda hit home because it kinda fits my current situation. I can't be right for Corey--or anyone--until I'm right for me. Which in my case means getting a strong, sincere handle on my bipolar disorder, to the point that I can function as just a normal human being.
I hope I can get there.
On the episode I watched tonight they did a song that's originally by Sammy Davis Jr. that I'd never heard before, and one of the lyrics was: "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me."
It kinda hit home because it kinda fits my current situation. I can't be right for Corey--or anyone--until I'm right for me. Which in my case means getting a strong, sincere handle on my bipolar disorder, to the point that I can function as just a normal human being.
I hope I can get there.
6.27.2012
I Give Up
What do I want in a relationship?
I want a partner. I want someone I can trust with all of my heart, someone who always makes my heart skip a beat, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will hold me when I cry no matter what I'm crying about. Someone who'll listen to me go on and on about all of the nerdy crap I'm interested in, someone who appreciates music like I do, someone who just makes me believe in forever. And in return I want to be all those things for someone.
I find a lot of married couple blogs on the internet (because I love blog stalking) and I skim through them. And there are always pictures and these couples all just look so happy together. So . . . I don't know. There's just always something about them that is very meant to be. And I see wedding pictures of friends on Facebook and I see the same thing. And I have friends who are engaged, and when they talk about their wedding on Facebook, their fiances comment about how much they can't wait to get married and how the wedding is too far away and blah blah blah.
I see all those things and they're the things I wanted and expected out of my relationship with Ex-Fiance. And I wonder, what do they have that I don't? What do these women have that makes their men look at them like that, love them like that? What is it about them?
And then I think about it, and I remember that the men in those pictures have probably never been legit screamed at by the women in those pictures. They've probably never helped their wives clean self harm injuries. They've probably never seen their wives throw things or have anxiety attacks that border on psychotic. They've probably never had their wife happily kiss them goodbye in the morning only to come home to her not speaking to them for no reason at all. They've probably never watched any of their wives shatter a glass picture frame and try to slit her wrists with one of the shards.
And then I think, no fucking wonder he doesn't want to be with me. Who would? I'm fat, unattractive, and psychotic. I never deserved Ex-Fiance and I'm probably just not meant to be a bride or a wife. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty mad at Ex-Fiance too. But I'm more mad at myself.
I want a partner. I want someone I can trust with all of my heart, someone who always makes my heart skip a beat, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will hold me when I cry no matter what I'm crying about. Someone who'll listen to me go on and on about all of the nerdy crap I'm interested in, someone who appreciates music like I do, someone who just makes me believe in forever. And in return I want to be all those things for someone.
I find a lot of married couple blogs on the internet (because I love blog stalking) and I skim through them. And there are always pictures and these couples all just look so happy together. So . . . I don't know. There's just always something about them that is very meant to be. And I see wedding pictures of friends on Facebook and I see the same thing. And I have friends who are engaged, and when they talk about their wedding on Facebook, their fiances comment about how much they can't wait to get married and how the wedding is too far away and blah blah blah.
I see all those things and they're the things I wanted and expected out of my relationship with Ex-Fiance. And I wonder, what do they have that I don't? What do these women have that makes their men look at them like that, love them like that? What is it about them?
And then I think about it, and I remember that the men in those pictures have probably never been legit screamed at by the women in those pictures. They've probably never helped their wives clean self harm injuries. They've probably never seen their wives throw things or have anxiety attacks that border on psychotic. They've probably never had their wife happily kiss them goodbye in the morning only to come home to her not speaking to them for no reason at all. They've probably never watched any of their wives shatter a glass picture frame and try to slit her wrists with one of the shards.
And then I think, no fucking wonder he doesn't want to be with me. Who would? I'm fat, unattractive, and psychotic. I never deserved Ex-Fiance and I'm probably just not meant to be a bride or a wife. I will probably spend the rest of my life alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty mad at Ex-Fiance too. But I'm more mad at myself.
6.25.2012
One Month
Today it's been one month since Corey and I broke up.
It's a strange thought and it just kind of hit me. One month seems like . . . kind of a long time. It's definitely a longer time than I expected us to be broken up. I really thought--at least at first--that we'd have worked things out by now.
I guess I just kind of feel like when I can say something like, it's been a month since we broke up--if there's a measurable amount of time that's actually fairly significant, then maybe it's not going to work out. Maybe it's really done.
It was just kind of a blow to the little hope I was holding on to.
Yes, Corey's been a lot more distance the past few days, but he's still been affectionate. I'm not giving up hope. I still want this to be a break and I still believe that we can make it work.
So here's hoping.
It's a strange thought and it just kind of hit me. One month seems like . . . kind of a long time. It's definitely a longer time than I expected us to be broken up. I really thought--at least at first--that we'd have worked things out by now.
I guess I just kind of feel like when I can say something like, it's been a month since we broke up--if there's a measurable amount of time that's actually fairly significant, then maybe it's not going to work out. Maybe it's really done.
It was just kind of a blow to the little hope I was holding on to.
Yes, Corey's been a lot more distance the past few days, but he's still been affectionate. I'm not giving up hope. I still want this to be a break and I still believe that we can make it work.
So here's hoping.
Getting Close
I realized earlier that after today (which is now over) I only have 2 days off left in Kingman. Two days left to hang out with Austin, spend time with my family, say goodbye to this life. (I know that last part was a bit overdramatic but I really do feel like I'm leaving one life for another at this point). It just kind of shocked me because I don't feel even remotely ready to leave. At all.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
6.23.2012
On My Mind
I did some more packing today. Which actually makes me kind of impressed with myself.
I just feel kind of blah, I guess. And obviously there's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out. I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change. Do I want him? Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?
Because that's what really bothers me, I think. I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship. And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off. And I can't do the dating thing because of that. I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again. I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me. To me, it doesn't make sense.
But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.
My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff. When will I talk to Corey again? When will I see him again? For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile). But now . . . I don't know. It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it. I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that. I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I don't like not knowing. I want to know what's going to happen. I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.
I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good. It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.
I just feel kind of blah, I guess. And obviously there's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out. I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change. Do I want him? Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?
Because that's what really bothers me, I think. I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship. And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off. And I can't do the dating thing because of that. I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again. I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me. To me, it doesn't make sense.
But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.
My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff. When will I talk to Corey again? When will I see him again? For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile). But now . . . I don't know. It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it. I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that. I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I don't like not knowing. I want to know what's going to happen. I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.
I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good. It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.
It's Not Fair
Sometimes I feel like this is just not fair.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
6.22.2012
I Hate This
Earlier I went into the NERD room, and found that Corey had taken all of my stuff out of the closet there and just kind of piled it up for me. Ostensibly he was just trying to help me pack, since I'm leaving in a week, but still, it kinda fucking killed me. It was just kind of a reminder that this is what he wants, and I think that's what makes it difficult: there is still a very big part of me that just cannot believe that this is actually what he wants. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's just . . . over it. And seeing all of my things separated out and piled up like I was nothing was a big, visual reminder that this is what he wants. I think deep down I've always hoped that he'd change his mind and ask me to stay and work it out--I mean, I knew that wasn't going to happen, but still. Subconsciously maybe. But I know that that wouldn't be a solution; I know that if he asked me to stay and I did things would be just like they were before and that . . . would not be good. I still hope and think that my leaving and this space will do us some good but . . . I feel like I'm beginning to believe that less and less.
It's one thing to say, yes, I'm packing, and yes, I'm going to leave. But it's quite another to actually do it and to see it happening. Besides, I had REALLY wanted to pack on my own fucking terms. I was so stressed about it that I wanted to do it without his input and now that's ruined and I'm even more stressed about it. Plus I feel like Corey's rushing me and I don't want that. I don't want to feel like he wants me gone.
But I think he does. I think he really does and more and more my gut feeling is that this is really it. That it's over. That I'm going to leave for Flagstaff and really just not hear from him again. And it makes me miserable. It makes me more miserable than I can say. Seeing our things separated just hurts . . . I remember when we moved in together last year and combined our things, and we were so dorkily excited about it. And now he gets to keep that beautiful life and I get to go back the same shit I had before I met him.
I feel like I got this two year window where I saw what I COULD have if I tired. Where I saw what my life COULD be if I wanted it to be. But I never tried hard enough and now I hate myself for that so. fucking. much. I look at Corey and I just feel like . . . I've lost him.
And he'll move on. He'll find someone else, and he'll treat her just as well as he treated me, only she won't be a fucking psycho. I imagine him bringing her here and her sitting on this couch and sleeping next to him in our bed and I . . . well, I kinda want to die. I won't lie.
It's one thing to say, yes, I'm packing, and yes, I'm going to leave. But it's quite another to actually do it and to see it happening. Besides, I had REALLY wanted to pack on my own fucking terms. I was so stressed about it that I wanted to do it without his input and now that's ruined and I'm even more stressed about it. Plus I feel like Corey's rushing me and I don't want that. I don't want to feel like he wants me gone.
But I think he does. I think he really does and more and more my gut feeling is that this is really it. That it's over. That I'm going to leave for Flagstaff and really just not hear from him again. And it makes me miserable. It makes me more miserable than I can say. Seeing our things separated just hurts . . . I remember when we moved in together last year and combined our things, and we were so dorkily excited about it. And now he gets to keep that beautiful life and I get to go back the same shit I had before I met him.
I feel like I got this two year window where I saw what I COULD have if I tired. Where I saw what my life COULD be if I wanted it to be. But I never tried hard enough and now I hate myself for that so. fucking. much. I look at Corey and I just feel like . . . I've lost him.
And he'll move on. He'll find someone else, and he'll treat her just as well as he treated me, only she won't be a fucking psycho. I imagine him bringing her here and her sitting on this couch and sleeping next to him in our bed and I . . . well, I kinda want to die. I won't lie.
6.21.2012
Just So Strange
I've been working on packing (I've packed a few boxes and am sort of trying to organize the rest of what I need to pack kinda thing) and it's just got me thinking.
Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment. And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be. What the hell do you say to someone in that situation? I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles. But still, it feels like it could be awkward. At the very least it'll be weird.
Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out. I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate. And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him. Y'know? It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past. How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?
I know this isn't that big of a deal. If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head. We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter. I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.
The thing is, I'm excited for this. I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey. Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now. I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship. But more on that later.
For now, it's bed time!
Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment. And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be. What the hell do you say to someone in that situation? I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles. But still, it feels like it could be awkward. At the very least it'll be weird.
Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out. I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate. And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him. Y'know? It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past. How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?
I know this isn't that big of a deal. If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head. We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter. I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.
The thing is, I'm excited for this. I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey. Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now. I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship. But more on that later.
For now, it's bed time!
6.20.2012
Frustrated
Ever since I decided to go back to Flag and that this is really something I'm going to do, I've had these moments, here and there, of extreme frustration, almost anger.
I don't WANT to start over. I don't WANT to have to figure my life out again. I don't want to consider grad school, I don't want to have to buy a car, I don't want to put my life on hold. That's what this feels like a lot--putting my life one hold. I think of all the things I wanted to do with Corey this summer, like go hiking and camping and fly kites and do puzzles and just have fun together and GET MARRIED, and I know that now I won't get to do any of those things. And I know we can do them eventually, but I don't like having plans change like that. I don't like uncertainty; I don't like not knowing. Because I have borderline personality disorder, a change of plans that seems manageable (so we'll go camping next summer or this fall, so we'll get married later) feels like a complete identity shift to me. Losing those plans and that life, essentially, makes me feel like I don't know who I am or where my life is going, etc. It fucking sucks.
I don't want to start over with Corey. I know that it's necessary and I know that someday I'll look back on this and know it was a good thing. I know that it'll be exciting if he visits me in Flagstaff to take me on dates, or sends me random texts that he misses me (I so hope those things happen). But I'm impatient, and I don't want to do the hard stuff. I just want to get to the OK part where I look back with gratitude.
I tell myself that I'm going to have fun during this split, because getting better is good. I am going to remember myself, I am going to find my inner strength and confidence again, I am going to think about my life outside of Corey and decide what I want to do with it. I am going to hang out with Jerbs and work my butt off and pay off my old debts. I am going to try and buy a car.
I am going to do things that make me happy that I didn't feel I could do while I was in my relationship.
I would like to note, though, that I didn't feel like I couldn't do those things because Corey was holding me back or anything like that. It was just that I didn't know how to balance those things with being with him. I want to learn how to be a good partner and an independent person, and that will start with fixing the mental illnesses. If I had been totally mentally healthy when Corey came along, this balance thing wouldn't be an issue.
I'm also frustrated because of these blurry lines we have going on right now. For the past week Corey and I have been affectionate with each other; we've been sharing our bed (I legit can't sleep on the couch) and just generally, we've reconnected a little since the breakup. Neither of us regret it or anything, and we've agreed that we'd both rather leave on more cuddly terms than angry or indifferent ones. I guess it's not really frustrating so much as that it makes me feel torn between these two lives, if that makes sense. I'm kind of in purgatory because one life isn't quite over and the other hasn't quite begun, and my borderline parts don't like that very much.
I bitch and bitch about not wanting to start over or figure out my life again, but the reality is that I never had it figured out to begin with. I have never known what I want to do with my life; I have never had any real long time goals. Well, to become a novelist, yes, but I've never had a solid career plan or anything like that. So really this is the first time I'll be figuring it all out for real.
Which then makes me angry because I'm 27 effing years old and I should be way ahead of this point by now.
Mostly my anger is at myself. I'm angry for not having gotten my shit together a long time ago. I knew something was wrong and that I needed help and I didn't do crap about it. I didn't reach out and ask for help either. And I'm angry at myself for screwing things up with Corey, because I know that I had something really amazing with him--I had an awesome guy who really did see something in me, and who only wanted to help me, and who only ever tried as hard as he could for me. And instead of being grateful and letting him help I let the disorders have him, too. He wanted and tried to be stronger than the bipolar disorder but I wouldn't let him. That shit always had a stronger grip on me than he did. I hate hate hate hate myself for that.
Sigh. I really need to go to bed because it's almost 6 AM and I work at noon. Today's going to be awesome. [sarcasm]
I don't WANT to start over. I don't WANT to have to figure my life out again. I don't want to consider grad school, I don't want to have to buy a car, I don't want to put my life on hold. That's what this feels like a lot--putting my life one hold. I think of all the things I wanted to do with Corey this summer, like go hiking and camping and fly kites and do puzzles and just have fun together and GET MARRIED, and I know that now I won't get to do any of those things. And I know we can do them eventually, but I don't like having plans change like that. I don't like uncertainty; I don't like not knowing. Because I have borderline personality disorder, a change of plans that seems manageable (so we'll go camping next summer or this fall, so we'll get married later) feels like a complete identity shift to me. Losing those plans and that life, essentially, makes me feel like I don't know who I am or where my life is going, etc. It fucking sucks.
I don't want to start over with Corey. I know that it's necessary and I know that someday I'll look back on this and know it was a good thing. I know that it'll be exciting if he visits me in Flagstaff to take me on dates, or sends me random texts that he misses me (I so hope those things happen). But I'm impatient, and I don't want to do the hard stuff. I just want to get to the OK part where I look back with gratitude.
I tell myself that I'm going to have fun during this split, because getting better is good. I am going to remember myself, I am going to find my inner strength and confidence again, I am going to think about my life outside of Corey and decide what I want to do with it. I am going to hang out with Jerbs and work my butt off and pay off my old debts. I am going to try and buy a car.
I am going to do things that make me happy that I didn't feel I could do while I was in my relationship.
I would like to note, though, that I didn't feel like I couldn't do those things because Corey was holding me back or anything like that. It was just that I didn't know how to balance those things with being with him. I want to learn how to be a good partner and an independent person, and that will start with fixing the mental illnesses. If I had been totally mentally healthy when Corey came along, this balance thing wouldn't be an issue.
I'm also frustrated because of these blurry lines we have going on right now. For the past week Corey and I have been affectionate with each other; we've been sharing our bed (I legit can't sleep on the couch) and just generally, we've reconnected a little since the breakup. Neither of us regret it or anything, and we've agreed that we'd both rather leave on more cuddly terms than angry or indifferent ones. I guess it's not really frustrating so much as that it makes me feel torn between these two lives, if that makes sense. I'm kind of in purgatory because one life isn't quite over and the other hasn't quite begun, and my borderline parts don't like that very much.
I bitch and bitch about not wanting to start over or figure out my life again, but the reality is that I never had it figured out to begin with. I have never known what I want to do with my life; I have never had any real long time goals. Well, to become a novelist, yes, but I've never had a solid career plan or anything like that. So really this is the first time I'll be figuring it all out for real.
Which then makes me angry because I'm 27 effing years old and I should be way ahead of this point by now.
Mostly my anger is at myself. I'm angry for not having gotten my shit together a long time ago. I knew something was wrong and that I needed help and I didn't do crap about it. I didn't reach out and ask for help either. And I'm angry at myself for screwing things up with Corey, because I know that I had something really amazing with him--I had an awesome guy who really did see something in me, and who only wanted to help me, and who only ever tried as hard as he could for me. And instead of being grateful and letting him help I let the disorders have him, too. He wanted and tried to be stronger than the bipolar disorder but I wouldn't let him. That shit always had a stronger grip on me than he did. I hate hate hate hate myself for that.
Sigh. I really need to go to bed because it's almost 6 AM and I work at noon. Today's going to be awesome. [sarcasm]
6.19.2012
My Decisions
So once it was established that I needed to move out, I decided to go back to Flagstaff and live with Jerbs.
A lot of people have taken issue with this, but I really do think it's the best option.
If I were to stay in Kingman, I would most likely have to go stay with my sister. She lives out in Rancho, I don't have a car, and the bus system doesn't run out there. I won't have a car in Flagstaff either, but Flag has a great bus system that I know how to use. I feel like I can be more independent up there, whereas here, I'd constantly have to be making transportation arrangements and I hate feeling like I'm being a burden. Plus, I have a job and roommate waiting for me in Flagstaff, so moving up there really isn't a lot of work for me.
I also kind of feel like, at this point, the more space the better for Corey and me. If I stay here, I'll see him regularly (orchestra, bells). And I just don't want it to be awkward, because right now, Corey's fairly affectionate with me at home, but around other people, not as much. And it's not something I want to put myself through. Plus I feel like if I just moved out and went to my sister's and was close by, it would be easier to give in to loneliness--in other words, it would be easier to just move back in with him if he missed me, or spend the night with him if he was lonely, or call him and ask him to come over if I was lonely. We need some actual, real space from each other, and this is the best way to do it. I'm not a huge fan of leaving, and I'll miss a lot of things--my family (esp. my nephew), my co-workers, this house, bells, orchestra. And of course Corey. But I really do think it's better this way, because I've seen what happens when we say we need space and don't give it to each other.
About a year ago, Corey and I broke up. It was a lot of the same things but after about a week, he confessed his love for me and we basically got back together. And I was ecstatic, and I never did any of the things I said I'd do in the course of the breakup (like committing myself to my treatment). This is what we should have done a year ago.
So I'm going to take some time for myself. I'm going to try to remember who I am, I'm going to treat the bipolar, I'm going to dedicate myself to myself. I'm going to become the person I want to be: a healthy, happy, independent woman who knows how to live her life. That's what I've wanted since I very first got sick, and that's what I've never been able to do. While I do want things to work out with Corey, I am not getting better for him or because he told me I had to. I want to get better because I want to like my life, and I want to like myself. At this point I've lost enough time to being miserable.
And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.
And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.
Anatomy of a Breakup
First of all, I want to say that Ex-Fiance's and my breakup was absolutely not something that came completely out of left field. It didn't happen overnight; Ex-Fiance didn't wake up the morning of May 25th and suddenly decide he hated me and didn't want to marry me. Nor was it strictly a result of the fight we'd had just a few nights before. I don't necessarily want to say it was a long time coming, though--just that there were a lot of factors that played into it, and some of them had been going on for a long time.
Ex-Fiance and I love each other very, very much, and we still feel a sincere connection to one another. In the course of our relationship we have a had a lot of wonderful, happy times. But we've also had a lot of tension and a lot of problems and a lot of unhappiness, and in a way, even if I never wanted to admit it, I think I've known this would happen eventually.
A lot of it has to do with my bipolar. When I met Ex-Fiance, I was in a mental health crisis. I was at the peak of my bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, and I was a mess. I didn't have a job, I was struggling financially, and I felt completely insane all the time. I was barely functioning within my own mind. I remember thinking, a few weeks after Ex-Fiance and I started dating, that I needed to wait--to break things off with him and then resume after I'd gotten treatment for the bipolar. But I didn't want to do that. There was a big part of me that was sick of putting my life on hold for mental illness. And I fell for Ex-Fiance so completely, so quickly, that I didn't want to let that go. So I didn't. And Ex-Fiance was amazing about it; he was always very supportive of my getting help and he did his best to help me fight my demons.
For a couple months things were great. I was happy and I had Ex-Fiance and there were some crappy things going on but mostly, I was good. I almost felt like in my head, Ex-Fiance was the one thing the BS hadn't touched. And then my head went after Ex-Fiance, and suddenly I was lashing out at him and breaking down constantly and it was just overall a very ugly situation. I put Ex-Fiance through more than I want to admit; I was seriously terrible to him at points. I willingly admit that I was a disgusting person a lot of the time when it came to him. I yelled at him, screamed at him, insulted him, guilt tripped him, threw things at him, threatened him . . . I was awful. And it continued after I started treatment, which was the worst part.
Once we moved to Kingman, things initially got worse. I do not do well with moving and being in a new place and new situation led to a lot of breakdowns. There were periods when we were barely speaking. In September I went back on my Lithium and for a while things were OK--I remember telling Ex-Fiance that I was surprised at how happy I'd been feeling with the medication. We had a good Christmas together and in January, I went back to my psychiatrist and got back on my Lithium.
I remember a fight in March, and then the next was in May. And then came the breakup.
Also not helping things in Kingman was Ex-Fiance's job situation. Ex-Fiance had a miserable, miserable school year, and I did not help. I was so screwed up myself that I couldn't be a supportive, loving partner for Ex-Fiance when he needed it; I couldn't make our home a stress free environment so he was never able to relax. He became withdrawn and depressed. It definitely took a toll on our relationship.
So in short, things between us have never been perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect but no relationship should have that much stress in it either. I will say, though, that the good times we've had together have been amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Right now, I'm at a point where I'm still hoping that things will work out between us. We both have a lot of things to fix in ourselves, and I think that once we both do that, we can fix us. I love Ex-Fiance with all my heart and I do believe he's who I'm supposed to be with. We made a lot of plans for our future together, and that's the future I want.
So hopefully, things will work out. And in the meantime, hopefully I can get better.
Ex-Fiance and I love each other very, very much, and we still feel a sincere connection to one another. In the course of our relationship we have a had a lot of wonderful, happy times. But we've also had a lot of tension and a lot of problems and a lot of unhappiness, and in a way, even if I never wanted to admit it, I think I've known this would happen eventually.
A lot of it has to do with my bipolar. When I met Ex-Fiance, I was in a mental health crisis. I was at the peak of my bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, and I was a mess. I didn't have a job, I was struggling financially, and I felt completely insane all the time. I was barely functioning within my own mind. I remember thinking, a few weeks after Ex-Fiance and I started dating, that I needed to wait--to break things off with him and then resume after I'd gotten treatment for the bipolar. But I didn't want to do that. There was a big part of me that was sick of putting my life on hold for mental illness. And I fell for Ex-Fiance so completely, so quickly, that I didn't want to let that go. So I didn't. And Ex-Fiance was amazing about it; he was always very supportive of my getting help and he did his best to help me fight my demons.
For a couple months things were great. I was happy and I had Ex-Fiance and there were some crappy things going on but mostly, I was good. I almost felt like in my head, Ex-Fiance was the one thing the BS hadn't touched. And then my head went after Ex-Fiance, and suddenly I was lashing out at him and breaking down constantly and it was just overall a very ugly situation. I put Ex-Fiance through more than I want to admit; I was seriously terrible to him at points. I willingly admit that I was a disgusting person a lot of the time when it came to him. I yelled at him, screamed at him, insulted him, guilt tripped him, threw things at him, threatened him . . . I was awful. And it continued after I started treatment, which was the worst part.
Once we moved to Kingman, things initially got worse. I do not do well with moving and being in a new place and new situation led to a lot of breakdowns. There were periods when we were barely speaking. In September I went back on my Lithium and for a while things were OK--I remember telling Ex-Fiance that I was surprised at how happy I'd been feeling with the medication. We had a good Christmas together and in January, I went back to my psychiatrist and got back on my Lithium.
I remember a fight in March, and then the next was in May. And then came the breakup.
Also not helping things in Kingman was Ex-Fiance's job situation. Ex-Fiance had a miserable, miserable school year, and I did not help. I was so screwed up myself that I couldn't be a supportive, loving partner for Ex-Fiance when he needed it; I couldn't make our home a stress free environment so he was never able to relax. He became withdrawn and depressed. It definitely took a toll on our relationship.
So in short, things between us have never been perfect. I know that no relationship is perfect but no relationship should have that much stress in it either. I will say, though, that the good times we've had together have been amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Right now, I'm at a point where I'm still hoping that things will work out between us. We both have a lot of things to fix in ourselves, and I think that once we both do that, we can fix us. I love Ex-Fiance with all my heart and I do believe he's who I'm supposed to be with. We made a lot of plans for our future together, and that's the future I want.
So hopefully, things will work out. And in the meantime, hopefully I can get better.
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