There are a lot of blog entries I've been kicking around and planning in my head lately, and then I never get around to writing them. So here are the title and condensed versions, just for the sake of record keeping.
Benji
I don't know if I ever mentioned it but I did get Benji's ashes back, and they're sitting on one of my bookcases next to a framed photo of him. It's his little memorial corner. I miss him so much but it's getting easier. I know he's always with me, anyway, and it's comforting.
Max
March 16th was Max's Adoptionversary or Gotcha Day or whatever you want to call it. He's been my dog for a whole year now. I was going to write a full entry about it but I just don't feel up to it. Max has definitely had his pain in the ass moments since I adopted him but I definitely love him. He's a good little dog and he's made tremendous progress in the past year. He's much healthier and happier than he used to be, and I'm glad to have helped him to that point.
Work
Work was insane last week. Two people on vacation, my boss in transit from AZ to FL for most of the week, and some less than fantastic experiences with a couple of co-workers made for an unpleasant 36 hours. Last month (just after Benji died) I was asked to take over DME prior auth. for the sleep department, and it has kept me insanely busy. I love it. Before last week I was just at the edge of being overwhelmed with work, and that's generally when the point where I function best. Last week I was genuinely overwhelmed and I'm looking forward to my normal workload this coming week.
Fitness/Diet
I've been doing better in this area lately. I did cancel my gym membership, because I'm just not using it, and there's really no point in paying the $40 a month for it. I'm still working out at home and that's actually going pretty well. I just need to be more consistent instead of hit and miss.
Literally The Bitchiest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me
This actually happened almost 2 months ago and I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it . . . but I think it deserves a mention. It was one of my late stay days in February (for my super fun special mail project) and for whatever reason, I got to chatting with a co-worker. She said something about my honey missing me since I was staying late, and I laughed and said I was single. And then I joked about how I'm hopelessly single, and she said that she was too. But I know for a fact that she has a live in boyfriend so why she said that was beyond me. I said, "No you're not." And then she laughed, with this little condescending chuckle, and said, "You're right. I'm not." I was literally speechless and more or less just walked away after that. Seriously, so bitchy. So incredibly unnecessarily bitchy. And really kind of disrespectful . . . if my longtime live in S.O. randomly told people he or she was single I'd be livid. I just don't get it. This particular co-worker also once invited me to a Zumba class when she saw me eating a brownie at work last Halloween, so she definitely has a track record for this kind of stuff, but still.
Dancing With the Stars
DWTS started last Monday. I'm super excited for this season. Plus both my mom and my sister are watching too and that makes it more fun. They both mentioned something during the premiere about it being unfair that two of the contestants are gold medal winning ice dancers and kind of have an advantage . . . to which I pointed out that Derek Hough has literally won the contest with a professional dancer. Seriously. Definitely a facepalm moment.
Hollie
Is the newest member of my little family, and I will write more about her later.
Showing posts with label fitness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fitness. Show all posts
3.23.2014
2.12.2014
What's Up With Ica?
I feel like a blog slacker lately. And that's dumb because there's actually a lot I want to write about so . . . here's a pretty random mish mash of what's going on in my life.
1. The debit card debacle. Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one. A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing). I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned. So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled. Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days. Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient. A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address. Awesome. So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge. I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came. Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever. At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card. So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week. And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs. Seriously, WTF. I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!
2. The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday. And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday. Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday. I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.
3. I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today. I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home). I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it. It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards. Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.
4. Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor. I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me. But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness. It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten. I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still. At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.
5. I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life). Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.
6. In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy. And I love it.
1. The debit card debacle. Back on New Years Eve I got an email from my bank, basically saying that my card had been compromised (in that whole Target thing that happened) and they were sending me a new one. A week later I still didn't have my new card so I called the customer service line and apparently there was an error in my address (the zip code was missing). I updated the address and was told by what I'm assuming is the dumbest CSR at Compass that I had to actually go into my bank to request another card be sent since the first one had been returned. So I did that on January 8th, and the teller at the bank said that since I was requesting it in person my current card had to be canceled. Which meant no debit card until my new one came, which was supposed to happen in 7-10 business days. Well, jump ahead three weeks and I'm still debit card-less, so I went into the bank and asked WTF was going on, and basically got told to be more patient. A week later, after 4 weeks of no debit card, I called customer service, and found out that the dumbest CSR ever had somehow removed my apartment number from my address. Awesome. So I updated that and then was told that I had to call back after 24 hours and request that another card be sent and that it could be rushed to me at no charge. I did that, and was told that since it was being rushed I'd have to be home to sign for it when it came. Which obviously ticked me off because I'm not home during the day . . . but whatever. At this point I'd decided to switch banks but I still wanted Compass to hold up their end of things and get me my freaking card. So this past Friday I opened a checking and savings account at a different bank, and I'll be closing my Compass account this week. And my Compass debit card also came this past Friday, and I didn't have to sign for it; it was sitting on my porch when I got home from dinner with Jerbs. Seriously, WTF. I'm glad it's almost done with, and I'm excited about my new bank!
2. The financial controller at my work jokingly gave me crap about coming to work on my birthday. And the conclusion of the conversation was her telling me that next year I absolutely have to because no one should work on their birthday. Not really a big deal, but it makes me so happy that it's just an assumption that I'll still be working there on my next birthday. I love having a job that actually feels stable and where it actually feels like I'm wanted.
3. I've been a slacker in the fitness department for the past week or so but for some reason, my motivation seems to have come back all at once today. I did OK diet wise and worked out for almost an hour (work out videos at home). I also created a kind of work out regimen with online work out videos, and I'm really excited about it. It took a lot to get up and work out this evening but man, I felt awesome afterwards. Sometimes I forget how much better I feel when I'm working out consistently.
4. Someone on MFP posted this long rant in the forums about how ridiculous/confusing it is that mental illness is suddenly "cool" and that people are "bragging" about stuff like being bipolar and acting like it's a badge of honor. I won't lie, it, and some of the responses to it, kind of upset me. But I didn't let it get to me and I have since concluded that what this person really has a problem with is the fading of the stigma that's always existed when it comes to mental illness. It's becoming less and less of a shameful thing that needs to be hidden and more of an issue that needs to be addressed to be beaten. I guess it's really not surprising that some people are uncomfortable with that, but still. At any rate, I want to say that I absolutely don't think being bipolar is a badge of honor--but overcoming bipolar sure as hell is, and I'll wear it with pride for the rest of my life.
5. I found out yesterday that Lithium can cause severe acne, which explains why my skin has royally sucked the past couple years (after being damn near flawless my whole life). Obviously I'm not going to stop taking Lithium in favor of better skin but I'm kind of glad to know why it's happening.
6. In general, right now, I'm just feeling very optimistic and happy. And I love it.
1.21.2014
Today
I went to the gym. It was crowded and my legs are suuuuper mad at me but it also felt good to get back to it. I hadn't been to the gym since (I think) October. Shameful. So I'm pretty dang proud of myself for going.
I'm less proud of myself for the nap I took after work. I had every intention of staying awake like I should but . . . sometimes (most of the time) I just can't resist.
And I also cut my thumb open with my mail opener at work. It bled through the Band-Aid I put on it and was generally pretty gross. I have been joking for the past year that I was going to end up injuring myself with that thing, and all my co-workers were convinced it was too blunt and thus impossible. Well, I proved them wrong. Because I'm just that freaking awesome.
I'm less proud of myself for the nap I took after work. I had every intention of staying awake like I should but . . . sometimes (most of the time) I just can't resist.
And I also cut my thumb open with my mail opener at work. It bled through the Band-Aid I put on it and was generally pretty gross. I have been joking for the past year that I was going to end up injuring myself with that thing, and all my co-workers were convinced it was too blunt and thus impossible. Well, I proved them wrong. Because I'm just that freaking awesome.
1.20.2014
Did I Mention I Had A Baby?
Obviously I didn't actually have a baby.
But last night I dreamt very, very vividly that I did. And I wasn't happy about it. I kept looking at the baby in my dream and wondering how in the hell it had happened, and then being overcome with anxiety at the thought of moving to Seattle with the baby (because apparently the baby's father and I had moving plans), and I think I asked my mom if she would keep it. (I'm saying it because it wasn't clear in the dream whether it was a boy or a girl . . . the baby's dad in my dream was also not clear, just some random character my head invented . . . none of my exes, none of my guy friends). In my dream I had apparently never mentioned my pregnancy or the fact that I gave birth on my blog, and I decided that I probably should, and I titled the dream post "Did I Mention I Had A Baby?".
Weird. So weird. And so freaking vivid that I woke up at the very edge of a full on anxiety attack, and it took me a second to come back and remember that I am childless, at which point I was just immensely relieved.
I blame this on the blog I was reading just before I went to bed.
In other news, I have had a lovely 3 day weekend. I've made a lot of progress on my massive cleaning/organizing plan for the apartment and it's starting to look less cluttered and disorganized now. I also haven't worn real pants or brushed my hair since Friday. Glorious.
Last week wasn't great. I went on kind of a food bender last week. It was bad. I think it had a lot to do with my sleep schedule, which was effed up all week long. Last Sunday night I couldn't sleep, and tossed and turned until almost 3 AM, which of course led to a nap after work, which led to staying up too late again, and so on and so forth. So I was basically tired all week. And then there was all the stress and whatnot at work, and in my head the best cure for stress is CALORIES so . . . yeah. Failure all around last week.
So I'm looking forward to this week, because tomorrow is already Tuesday, and Friday is payday, and since I ate so much fast food last week I still have a shit load of groceries left, so I'm good for this week. I'm confident I'm going to kick ass food/fitness wise this week.
Also, my whole house is clean. Which is always a good way to start the week.
And I'm feeling better about the work stuff I talked about last time I posted. I'm actually starting to get really excited about moving to my office. It'll be a nice change of pace. I'm also confident that things will work out workload wise the way I want them to. Here's hoping, anyway.
And with that, I need to go finish up my laundry.
11.16.2013
Fitness Update
I haven't weighed myself since October 15th, which is why I didn't post a November weigh in. I just kind of decided I didn't care. During that whole incident with my medicine I went completely off the rails diet/exercise wise so I knew that whatever I saw on the scale wasn't going to be pleasant. I didn't measure myself either.
But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight. Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with. And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit. I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well! I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.
I won't lie, I feel like shit. I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches. And I'm grouchy as well. I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too. I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing? It's not really pleasant but it's manageable. This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit. I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well. I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to. It's kind of depressing. At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start! When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things! But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.
I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?
At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!
But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight. Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with. And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit. I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well! I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.
I won't lie, I feel like shit. I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches. And I'm grouchy as well. I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too. I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing? It's not really pleasant but it's manageable. This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit. I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well. I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to. It's kind of depressing. At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start! When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things! But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.
I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?
At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!
8.26.2013
Just To Document It
I am not working out tonight because it's storming like crazy. I don't mind running in the rain but the lightning is freaking SCARY, and I would rather not get electrocuted. Not tonight. Not ever, actually. No thanks.
I think it's time to just suck it up and go back to the gym. I prefer running outside but at the same time, it's just too easy to not do it, whether it's for a legit reason (like avoiding death by lightning) or for whatever random excuse I make up to avoid it. So tomorrow I'm going to make a concerted effort to put in some treadmill or elliptical time on my lunch hour and maybe after work as well.
I think it's time to just suck it up and go back to the gym. I prefer running outside but at the same time, it's just too easy to not do it, whether it's for a legit reason (like avoiding death by lightning) or for whatever random excuse I make up to avoid it. So tomorrow I'm going to make a concerted effort to put in some treadmill or elliptical time on my lunch hour and maybe after work as well.
8.25.2013
This Week
I know this post is titled "This Week," but I'm actually going to talk about last week first.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
7.02.2013
Today Was A Good Day
Today:
--Told the PR/marketing director at work about my English degree and offered my help with any writing/editing type tasks she might have going on. So now I get to write the official press release for our new nutritionist, and if that goes well, I'll potentially get to do more writing projects in the future! I'm so freaking stoked!!! I know it's not much, but still, I'm really excited.
--My boss asked me if everything was OK since I've been late almost every day since I got my car. I was honest with her and told her that I just don't do well with mornings and I have a hard time getting the timing right and all that. So now my work hours are 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. Hell.fucking.yes. I love having a boss that's awesome and understanding! And I really don't mind staying later, since I usually do anyway, because I hit my stride in the afternoon. Seriously, I love my boss. I don't want her to leave.
--It poured down rain on both sides of town for a good hour, and it's still cloudy out. Which meant an amazing, cool, beautiful afternoon and early evening. Such a great break from the ridiculous heat we've had the past week or so.
--The rain left some perfect running weather when it stopped, so I headed for the lakes by our house and ran 1.42 km (I've decided to measure in kilometers, since it's more impressive, and that's all my stupid pedometer apparently measures in). I suppose I can't really say I ran, because I more jogged with some walking bits thrown in, but still. The point is I WORKED OUT!! So good for me. And at the end of the jog when I was thinking that I really hadn't done much and feeling a little disappointed with myself, I asked myself if I'd have been able to go that distance, at that speed, at this altitude, a year ago. And the answer is definitely not.
Speaking of a year ago, yesterday marked one year that I've been back in Flagstaff, and I'm sure there'll be a long drippy entry about that soon. Because I need to talk about it. I also have to do my weigh in entry but for now, I just wanted to record some happiness.
--Told the PR/marketing director at work about my English degree and offered my help with any writing/editing type tasks she might have going on. So now I get to write the official press release for our new nutritionist, and if that goes well, I'll potentially get to do more writing projects in the future! I'm so freaking stoked!!! I know it's not much, but still, I'm really excited.
--My boss asked me if everything was OK since I've been late almost every day since I got my car. I was honest with her and told her that I just don't do well with mornings and I have a hard time getting the timing right and all that. So now my work hours are 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. Hell.fucking.yes. I love having a boss that's awesome and understanding! And I really don't mind staying later, since I usually do anyway, because I hit my stride in the afternoon. Seriously, I love my boss. I don't want her to leave.
--It poured down rain on both sides of town for a good hour, and it's still cloudy out. Which meant an amazing, cool, beautiful afternoon and early evening. Such a great break from the ridiculous heat we've had the past week or so.
--The rain left some perfect running weather when it stopped, so I headed for the lakes by our house and ran 1.42 km (I've decided to measure in kilometers, since it's more impressive, and that's all my stupid pedometer apparently measures in). I suppose I can't really say I ran, because I more jogged with some walking bits thrown in, but still. The point is I WORKED OUT!! So good for me. And at the end of the jog when I was thinking that I really hadn't done much and feeling a little disappointed with myself, I asked myself if I'd have been able to go that distance, at that speed, at this altitude, a year ago. And the answer is definitely not.
Speaking of a year ago, yesterday marked one year that I've been back in Flagstaff, and I'm sure there'll be a long drippy entry about that soon. Because I need to talk about it. I also have to do my weigh in entry but for now, I just wanted to record some happiness.
3.05.2013
A Reminder
Today I woke up at 6:30 AM, showered/blow dried/moisturized/got dressed/etc, and left the apartment at 7:10(ish).
I went to work. During my lunch hour I went to the gym and did a half an hour of cardio (elliptical today). I went back to work and finished out my day there. Then I went back to the gym and took an hour long yoga class, then did another half hour on the elliptical.
Then I spent an hour on the bus to come home (super lame, I know), and got home at about 8:35 PM. Which basically means that I had a 13 hour day.
And y'know what? I freaking loved it. It was a great day, both work wise and fitness wise and just mental health wise.
During the bus ride home I got to thinking (because what else is there to do on that long a bus ride?) and it occurred to me that 3 years ago--or even a year and a half ago--the mere thought of a day like today would have paralyzed me with anxiety and fear and dread. I probably would have found a way to get out of it and shut myself in the house all day, or would have suffered through it and completely broken down.
But not today. Today I was freaking awesome, and I am so damn proud of that.
It was a great reminder of how far I've come and how much better I've gotten.
I love it. And I'm happy. And I'm going to do this every Tuesday for at least the next few weeks, and I absolutely don't doubt that I can.
I went to work. During my lunch hour I went to the gym and did a half an hour of cardio (elliptical today). I went back to work and finished out my day there. Then I went back to the gym and took an hour long yoga class, then did another half hour on the elliptical.
Then I spent an hour on the bus to come home (super lame, I know), and got home at about 8:35 PM. Which basically means that I had a 13 hour day.
And y'know what? I freaking loved it. It was a great day, both work wise and fitness wise and just mental health wise.
During the bus ride home I got to thinking (because what else is there to do on that long a bus ride?) and it occurred to me that 3 years ago--or even a year and a half ago--the mere thought of a day like today would have paralyzed me with anxiety and fear and dread. I probably would have found a way to get out of it and shut myself in the house all day, or would have suffered through it and completely broken down.
But not today. Today I was freaking awesome, and I am so damn proud of that.
It was a great reminder of how far I've come and how much better I've gotten.
I love it. And I'm happy. And I'm going to do this every Tuesday for at least the next few weeks, and I absolutely don't doubt that I can.
2.28.2013
15 Pounds to Vegas!
Yesterday while I was on my way to work (late, after a stupidly bad doctor's appointment that I'll probably write about later), I got two texts from Theresa.
"By my royal decree we are going to be workout buddies."
Followed by . . . .
"If we lose 15 lbs each we meet in Vegas to celebrate."
Um . . . yes please! That's some pretty awesome incentive because me, Theresa, and Vegas is a fantastic combination!
I believe this little challenge is starting on March 1st. I'm pretty excited . . . see why this girl is my BFF?
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In other news, I still love my job (love it more every day, actually, which is amazing), I need to work on my money skills next month, my new bed is pretty awesome but possibly too firm for my liking at the moment, and . . . I think that's it.
Nothing terribly exciting in the everyday life stuff but I'm happy.
"By my royal decree we are going to be workout buddies."
Followed by . . . .
"If we lose 15 lbs each we meet in Vegas to celebrate."
Um . . . yes please! That's some pretty awesome incentive because me, Theresa, and Vegas is a fantastic combination!
I believe this little challenge is starting on March 1st. I'm pretty excited . . . see why this girl is my BFF?
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In other news, I still love my job (love it more every day, actually, which is amazing), I need to work on my money skills next month, my new bed is pretty awesome but possibly too firm for my liking at the moment, and . . . I think that's it.
Nothing terribly exciting in the everyday life stuff but I'm happy.
2.26.2013
Win/Fail + Positive Changes
Win: Today at work I joined the gym! I'm so freaking excited about it I can't even tell you. Plus I most def got a little bit of the VIP treatment because of where I work . . . I seriously love my job. I had my workout stuff with me too, so I could get started after work.
Fail: Going to change at the gym and discovering that the black sports bra I'd thrown into my bag was, in fact, a pair of black panties that were apparently mixed in with my sports bras. So I didn't get my after work work out in and I was really, really disappointed. Sigh. I swear to God sometimes I just amaze myself! But it's a funny story and there's always tomorrow (I already made sure to put the correct under garment in my gym bag).
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Since I started my getting better journey, I've noticed some positive changes in myself. Some are really obvious--like that I don't want to kill myself anymore and I don't scream and yell and throw things every other day. Some, though, are less obvious and only occur to me when they pop up.
For example, I've noticed that my old door mat tendencies have gone away, and I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself. I've stopped backing down from my opinions to make other people happy and avoid confrontation. I mean, obviously I'm not going around picking arguments with people, I just . . . I stand my ground now.
My bed was supposed to be delivered today. They were supposed to call me before they brought it (and then I was supposed to call Jerbs since she was the one home), but I never heard from them, and by the time I was on the bus home at almost 6 PM my bed still wasn't here. So I called and the girl basically said she'd meant to call me and let me know that they were going to have to move my delivery to tomorrow.
I told her that no one would be home tomorrow and that that was why I'd asked for Tuesday. She told me the bed wasn't ready; I told her they could deliver it on Thursday. I also told her--firmly--that I was told Tuesday, and that if I had to wait, I would expect a refund of the delivery fee. She said she'd see what she could do, I heard back from her a few minutes later, and the end of the story is that my bed is here and I'll be sleeping in it tonight.
I was so proud of myself. Old me would have accepted a later delivery and then cried about it but instead, I stood up for myself. I held this company accountable for what the services they'd promised. I'm not mad at them or anything, but at the same time I most definitely wanted to make sure they held up their end. I mean, I gave them my business and my money, and I wanted what I'd paid for. I think this is another change in my way of thinking: knowing the difference (both emotionally and otherwise) of being mad at/hating someone/being offended by someone, and holding them accountable/expecting them to do their jobs. Like when someone tells me I did something wrong at work, I don't end up thinking they totally hate me or whatever, and I don't take it personally--I just fix what I did wrong, remember to do it right the next time around, and remind myself that I'm still learning. And at the end of the day I still like all my co-workers. And by the same token, I know that if I ask someone to do something or suggest something to them, they aren't mad at me for doing so. Does that make sense?
Anyway, there are more ways I've stood up for myself recently, and it's a good feeling. A good good feeling.
Fail: Going to change at the gym and discovering that the black sports bra I'd thrown into my bag was, in fact, a pair of black panties that were apparently mixed in with my sports bras. So I didn't get my after work work out in and I was really, really disappointed. Sigh. I swear to God sometimes I just amaze myself! But it's a funny story and there's always tomorrow (I already made sure to put the correct under garment in my gym bag).
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Since I started my getting better journey, I've noticed some positive changes in myself. Some are really obvious--like that I don't want to kill myself anymore and I don't scream and yell and throw things every other day. Some, though, are less obvious and only occur to me when they pop up.
For example, I've noticed that my old door mat tendencies have gone away, and I'm no longer afraid to stand up for myself. I've stopped backing down from my opinions to make other people happy and avoid confrontation. I mean, obviously I'm not going around picking arguments with people, I just . . . I stand my ground now.
My bed was supposed to be delivered today. They were supposed to call me before they brought it (and then I was supposed to call Jerbs since she was the one home), but I never heard from them, and by the time I was on the bus home at almost 6 PM my bed still wasn't here. So I called and the girl basically said she'd meant to call me and let me know that they were going to have to move my delivery to tomorrow.
I told her that no one would be home tomorrow and that that was why I'd asked for Tuesday. She told me the bed wasn't ready; I told her they could deliver it on Thursday. I also told her--firmly--that I was told Tuesday, and that if I had to wait, I would expect a refund of the delivery fee. She said she'd see what she could do, I heard back from her a few minutes later, and the end of the story is that my bed is here and I'll be sleeping in it tonight.
I was so proud of myself. Old me would have accepted a later delivery and then cried about it but instead, I stood up for myself. I held this company accountable for what the services they'd promised. I'm not mad at them or anything, but at the same time I most definitely wanted to make sure they held up their end. I mean, I gave them my business and my money, and I wanted what I'd paid for. I think this is another change in my way of thinking: knowing the difference (both emotionally and otherwise) of being mad at/hating someone/being offended by someone, and holding them accountable/expecting them to do their jobs. Like when someone tells me I did something wrong at work, I don't end up thinking they totally hate me or whatever, and I don't take it personally--I just fix what I did wrong, remember to do it right the next time around, and remind myself that I'm still learning. And at the end of the day I still like all my co-workers. And by the same token, I know that if I ask someone to do something or suggest something to them, they aren't mad at me for doing so. Does that make sense?
Anyway, there are more ways I've stood up for myself recently, and it's a good feeling. A good good feeling.
1.14.2013
Oh, Y'know
I start work on Wednesday at 8 AM! I'm so excited!!
I'm nervous too. Mostly I'm worried about the adjusting--I'm about to go from sleeping until (after) noon to having to be ready to go and out the door by 7:10 AM. Blech. And the thing is I'm still having hypersomnia issues, and I can't fight through the tired like normal people can. Like, if my alarm goes off and I'm still exhausted, I can't seem to suck it up and get out of bed anyway. I'm hoping that having a job will make it easier, and I'm also hoping that my body will cooperate and go to bed when I tell it too. And I'm sure that being unmedicated at the moment is not helping and that once my Lithium levels are back up I'll be better about actually getting up. Plus I'm nervous about having to postpone my psych appointment
Speaking of medication, I finally got my prescription today. Hallefreakingllujah. It was a frustrating process because on the 12th, I logged on to the WalMart pharmacy thing, and saw that my doctor had given me 3 Lithium refills. I was like yay! and immediately requested a refill online. When I logged on the next day, though, the order was cancelled--no idea why. So I requested another one, and when I logged on today, it was also cancelled. I called the WalMart pharmacy (and let me tell you I was ready to go to battle!) and the pharmacist was like, "That's weird, because I have a prescription all ready for you." Thank goodness.
Also healthcare related, I got a voicemail from my doctor today about my lab work. Everything looked good but my thyroid is still a little elevated (dammit) so I'm going to have to follow up on that. Sigh. I had so hoped the first elevated result was just a fluke. Not a huge deal but still. The thing is, I'm not so worried about having to follow up now that I'll be financially able to. I'd just rather have to not treat something else with medication . . . but at the same time, I really don't think I'm interested in trying anything but Lithium for the bipolar disorder.
I also found out today that the gym I want to join (the one co-owned by MHC) is running a killer special if you join in January so I'm excited about that. Because getting home after sunset when it's 3 degrees outside is most definitely going to prevent me from walking to the work out room. And I'm sure that there's some sort of employee discount but in case that doesn't take effect until I'm elligible for benefits, I'd be willing to just join now and pay out of pocket for it.
Overall, a lot to be happy about right now.
I'm nervous too. Mostly I'm worried about the adjusting--I'm about to go from sleeping until (after) noon to having to be ready to go and out the door by 7:10 AM. Blech. And the thing is I'm still having hypersomnia issues, and I can't fight through the tired like normal people can. Like, if my alarm goes off and I'm still exhausted, I can't seem to suck it up and get out of bed anyway. I'm hoping that having a job will make it easier, and I'm also hoping that my body will cooperate and go to bed when I tell it too. And I'm sure that being unmedicated at the moment is not helping and that once my Lithium levels are back up I'll be better about actually getting up. Plus I'm nervous about having to postpone my psych appointment
Speaking of medication, I finally got my prescription today. Hallefreakingllujah. It was a frustrating process because on the 12th, I logged on to the WalMart pharmacy thing, and saw that my doctor had given me 3 Lithium refills. I was like yay! and immediately requested a refill online. When I logged on the next day, though, the order was cancelled--no idea why. So I requested another one, and when I logged on today, it was also cancelled. I called the WalMart pharmacy (and let me tell you I was ready to go to battle!) and the pharmacist was like, "That's weird, because I have a prescription all ready for you." Thank goodness.
Also healthcare related, I got a voicemail from my doctor today about my lab work. Everything looked good but my thyroid is still a little elevated (dammit) so I'm going to have to follow up on that. Sigh. I had so hoped the first elevated result was just a fluke. Not a huge deal but still. The thing is, I'm not so worried about having to follow up now that I'll be financially able to. I'd just rather have to not treat something else with medication . . . but at the same time, I really don't think I'm interested in trying anything but Lithium for the bipolar disorder.
I also found out today that the gym I want to join (the one co-owned by MHC) is running a killer special if you join in January so I'm excited about that. Because getting home after sunset when it's 3 degrees outside is most definitely going to prevent me from walking to the work out room. And I'm sure that there's some sort of employee discount but in case that doesn't take effect until I'm elligible for benefits, I'd be willing to just join now and pay out of pocket for it.
Overall, a lot to be happy about right now.
1.12.2013
Worst. Workout. Ever.
Remember how I mentioned it's freaking cold as crap out at the moment?
Well, it still is. And this afternoon my thought process was going something like this: it is way too cold to go work out today . . . but I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and I really want to . . . but do I really feel like walking all that way in this? . . . but this is probably the warmest it'll be today so it's now or never, I should just suck it up and go . . .
So I did. I put on my workout clothes (leggings, tank top, sports bra, etc). Then I put on another pair of sweats over my leggings and a long sleeved shirt over my tank top. Then I put on my big winter coat, my hat, and my gloves. Make sure all the stuff I need (iPod, earbuds, water, hair tie) is in my bag and off I go. Trekked over to the workout room, stripped down to my actual workout clothes, and hopped on the machine. And in my head I'm like, damn, I'm awesome today, go me.
Then wouldn't you know it, my freaking iPod is dead. And that's weird, because I am really anal about my iPod--I charged it yesterday and the battery was full, and when I put it in my bag, I make sure it's turned off and locked so that it can't accidentally turn on and drain the battery. I was ticked, but at the same time, I was like, I walked all the way over here, I'm going to work out. I did attempt to turn the TV on, but I could only find 3 channels (GAC, the NAU channel, and something else . . . can't remember what), so I gave up and worked out in silence. I did manage 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is less than I wanted but considering the cold, how crappy I feel because my Lithium levels are low, and no distraction to make the work out more bearable . . . well, I'm patting myself on the back!
I did my 20 minutes in 10 minute chunks. Right before I started my second 10 minutes, this couple came into the workout room. And I admit that I'm still kind of in that mindset of going bleeeeccchhh every time I see a cutesy couple. They each took a treadmill, and he was in front of her. Before he started his workout he looked back, said, "Hey," and blew her a kiss when she looked up. So I was like even more bleeeeechhhh. (And Corey used to blow me kisses all the time . . . at church, during orchestra, during bells, when we were driving, etc). Not. Pleasant.
I can't wait to join a real gym. Seriously, can't freaking wait.
Well, it still is. And this afternoon my thought process was going something like this: it is way too cold to go work out today . . . but I didn't work out yesterday or the day before and I really want to . . . but do I really feel like walking all that way in this? . . . but this is probably the warmest it'll be today so it's now or never, I should just suck it up and go . . .
So I did. I put on my workout clothes (leggings, tank top, sports bra, etc). Then I put on another pair of sweats over my leggings and a long sleeved shirt over my tank top. Then I put on my big winter coat, my hat, and my gloves. Make sure all the stuff I need (iPod, earbuds, water, hair tie) is in my bag and off I go. Trekked over to the workout room, stripped down to my actual workout clothes, and hopped on the machine. And in my head I'm like, damn, I'm awesome today, go me.
Then wouldn't you know it, my freaking iPod is dead. And that's weird, because I am really anal about my iPod--I charged it yesterday and the battery was full, and when I put it in my bag, I make sure it's turned off and locked so that it can't accidentally turn on and drain the battery. I was ticked, but at the same time, I was like, I walked all the way over here, I'm going to work out. I did attempt to turn the TV on, but I could only find 3 channels (GAC, the NAU channel, and something else . . . can't remember what), so I gave up and worked out in silence. I did manage 20 minutes on the elliptical, which is less than I wanted but considering the cold, how crappy I feel because my Lithium levels are low, and no distraction to make the work out more bearable . . . well, I'm patting myself on the back!
I did my 20 minutes in 10 minute chunks. Right before I started my second 10 minutes, this couple came into the workout room. And I admit that I'm still kind of in that mindset of going bleeeeccchhh every time I see a cutesy couple. They each took a treadmill, and he was in front of her. Before he started his workout he looked back, said, "Hey," and blew her a kiss when she looked up. So I was like even more bleeeeechhhh. (And Corey used to blow me kisses all the time . . . at church, during orchestra, during bells, when we were driving, etc). Not. Pleasant.
I can't wait to join a real gym. Seriously, can't freaking wait.
9.15.2012
Saturday Lessons
1. The mall can be a great diet motivator. Wandering around and seeing tons of cute jeans/shirts/sweaters/boots makes me want to work harder at getting in shape. (I know I don't really need to lose weight to wear boots, but the boots can be a reward for losing weight!)
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2. Don McClean's "American Pie" is an excellent workout song. That song is like 9 minutes long, so when you start a 20 minute workout with it on, by the time it's over, you're about halfway through. And I usually tell myself that I have to get through 4 songs. So when 1 song gets you halfway through your workout, it makes it feel like it's going faster than it is. (And I feel like a genius for realizing this).
3. This is more just a realization than a lesson, but tonight I thought of an advantage of working out here instead of at A.F. A.F. has cable TV's on their cardio equipment that you can plug your ear buds into, and that's lovely, but let me tell you, there's nothing more painful during a workout than seeing ads for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, etc. Seriously a horrible thing. So even though I don't love the workout room here at least I don't leave it every night with severe cravings for things I shouldn't eat.
(And if you're wondering, yes, I caved a few times in Kingman and stopped at McDonalds or Carl's Jr. on the way home from the gym. And yes, I see the irony/stupidity in that).
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4. Y'know how guys complain about girls who are always saying they're cold? I'm totally one of those girls. Tonight I was sitting in my chair in sweatpants and my sweatshirt, and Jerbs was at her computer in a tank top and panties. Sigh.
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5. Sometimes the words of a complete stranger can be the most meaningful thing you've heard in a long time. And that's amazing. I'll post more on that later.
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2. Don McClean's "American Pie" is an excellent workout song. That song is like 9 minutes long, so when you start a 20 minute workout with it on, by the time it's over, you're about halfway through. And I usually tell myself that I have to get through 4 songs. So when 1 song gets you halfway through your workout, it makes it feel like it's going faster than it is. (And I feel like a genius for realizing this).
3. This is more just a realization than a lesson, but tonight I thought of an advantage of working out here instead of at A.F. A.F. has cable TV's on their cardio equipment that you can plug your ear buds into, and that's lovely, but let me tell you, there's nothing more painful during a workout than seeing ads for Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, etc. Seriously a horrible thing. So even though I don't love the workout room here at least I don't leave it every night with severe cravings for things I shouldn't eat.
(And if you're wondering, yes, I caved a few times in Kingman and stopped at McDonalds or Carl's Jr. on the way home from the gym. And yes, I see the irony/stupidity in that).
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4. Y'know how guys complain about girls who are always saying they're cold? I'm totally one of those girls. Tonight I was sitting in my chair in sweatpants and my sweatshirt, and Jerbs was at her computer in a tank top and panties. Sigh.
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5. Sometimes the words of a complete stranger can be the most meaningful thing you've heard in a long time. And that's amazing. I'll post more on that later.
9.08.2012
Weird Thoughts and Stuff
Five years ago today I was moving into the studio apartment on Blackbird Roost and preparing to live by myself for the first time. I miss that apartment.
Two years ago tomorrow Ex-Fiance and I spent the night together for the first time. I just remember that it was Sept. 9th that he first slept over at my apartment--mostly because he was too exhausted to safely drive back to his place. (I don't do well sharing a bed or sleeping in strange places so up until then we hadn't spent the night in the same place).
Weird anniversaries to remember. But I do.
I did OK today. I ate fast food (Five Guys Burgers and Fries right across the street from Hastings is a bad bad bad idea) but I also went shopping for healthy groceries so tomorrow should be better. I had a little bit of a breakdown on the bus. I don't really know where it came from but all I could think was, my life is nothing, and I am nothing, and I'm a loser, and I should just kill myself now. I thought, Ex-Fiance doesn't love me anymore, and he's right for not loving me anymore, and I'm a burden to Jerbs just like I always have been, and there's no way out. I just felt . . . so defeated.
I try very, very hard to stay positive. I really do. But there are days when everything just seems overwhelming and it actually feels hard to breathe--like the weight of all the things I'm dealing with and going through is actually suffocating me. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning it.
But I snapped out of it eventually. I snapped out of it enough that I was able to go work out for a half an hour! Go me!! This is good for two reasons: one, the fact that I recovered from a breakdown to the point that I could go do a physically challenging activity, and two, the fact that I worked out at all.
This week I'm going to call the counselor I want to start seeing and find out about her prices and policies and all that. I can't wait anymore to start this, because it's a crucial step to getting better, and just because I don't have a full time job doesn't mean I should put it off. I have people who are willing to help me so it's time to get on it.
Two years ago tomorrow Ex-Fiance and I spent the night together for the first time. I just remember that it was Sept. 9th that he first slept over at my apartment--mostly because he was too exhausted to safely drive back to his place. (I don't do well sharing a bed or sleeping in strange places so up until then we hadn't spent the night in the same place).
Weird anniversaries to remember. But I do.
I did OK today. I ate fast food (Five Guys Burgers and Fries right across the street from Hastings is a bad bad bad idea) but I also went shopping for healthy groceries so tomorrow should be better. I had a little bit of a breakdown on the bus. I don't really know where it came from but all I could think was, my life is nothing, and I am nothing, and I'm a loser, and I should just kill myself now. I thought, Ex-Fiance doesn't love me anymore, and he's right for not loving me anymore, and I'm a burden to Jerbs just like I always have been, and there's no way out. I just felt . . . so defeated.
I try very, very hard to stay positive. I really do. But there are days when everything just seems overwhelming and it actually feels hard to breathe--like the weight of all the things I'm dealing with and going through is actually suffocating me. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning it.
But I snapped out of it eventually. I snapped out of it enough that I was able to go work out for a half an hour! Go me!! This is good for two reasons: one, the fact that I recovered from a breakdown to the point that I could go do a physically challenging activity, and two, the fact that I worked out at all.
This week I'm going to call the counselor I want to start seeing and find out about her prices and policies and all that. I can't wait anymore to start this, because it's a crucial step to getting better, and just because I don't have a full time job doesn't mean I should put it off. I have people who are willing to help me so it's time to get on it.
9.07.2012
Before
This is what I look like today. I'm hoping that posting this here will add to the incentive to start getting healthier. Because seriously . . . blech. Especially the side view . . . I can't believe my neck/chin . . . so gross. :(
I'm also hoping that in a few months, I can take more pictures and be like whoa, that's an awesome difference. Also, today I weigh 180 pounds. I have all of my measurements recorded too, but I really don't have the energy to post them here.
I think I'm going to weigh myself weekly, so every Friday, and take pictures like that monthly.
I did work out today! I walked over to the work out room across the street tonight (finally . . . I dragged Jerbs with me for moral support) and worked out on the elliptical like thingy they have. It's not the same as the ones in Kingman so the timing was different--I did 10 minutes, but the machine said that was 2 miles. Not too shabby. I also think I went faster because I've been walking so much and I've progressively just started walking faster (I used to take about 8 minutes to walk to the bus stop, now it takes me 4 or 5). I'm proud of myself. And it felt GOOD to work out! I'm looking forward to doing it tomorrow night.
I'm also hoping that in a few months, I can take more pictures and be like whoa, that's an awesome difference. Also, today I weigh 180 pounds. I have all of my measurements recorded too, but I really don't have the energy to post them here.
I think I'm going to weigh myself weekly, so every Friday, and take pictures like that monthly.
I did work out today! I walked over to the work out room across the street tonight (finally . . . I dragged Jerbs with me for moral support) and worked out on the elliptical like thingy they have. It's not the same as the ones in Kingman so the timing was different--I did 10 minutes, but the machine said that was 2 miles. Not too shabby. I also think I went faster because I've been walking so much and I've progressively just started walking faster (I used to take about 8 minutes to walk to the bus stop, now it takes me 4 or 5). I'm proud of myself. And it felt GOOD to work out! I'm looking forward to doing it tomorrow night.
9.06.2012
Random Stuff
1) Hastings got a surprise corporate visit today, and the upper management guys were like OMG your store is a huge mess and way behind in stuff! So now we basically have unlimited hours to get shit done, so I'm going in early tomorrow (though why I agreed to help out when they're effing me over next week is beyond me . . . but whatev). But it's payday and I'm going to buy my new sunglasses and I'm excited about that.
2) Ironically, now that I've been in Flag a few months and am still getting screwed by my job and job hunting, I actually got a call from the Mohave County Sheriff's office about a job I applied for just after the breakup. It's a dispatcher job and they're doing the prelim testing for it tomorrow and Friday so if I can make it . . . yeah. It's really not even something I'd consider at this point but still, it's a bit annoying. Although between that and the five hour work week thing I wonder if it might be a sign to head back? But no, I don't really think that.
3) Tonight on the bus ride after work the bus driver played "Still The One" by Orleans. Totally a song that makes me think of Ex-Fiance and even though it made me sad, I didn't cry. (One night when we'd been dating a few months, that song came on Ex-Fiance's iPod while we were driving. He asked me if I knew it, which I did, and then he promised that he'd sing it to me someday when we'd been married for decades. And he sang it to me that night and all the other times it came on his iPod too).
4) Last night I had a break down. I've been kinda spotty with taking my medicine, which I'm not proud of. I don't know why I get so forgetful about that. So I'm going to try to get back on it and do as well as I was doing. However, I also recovered last night and was OK after about a half hour-ish, so that's definitely a good sign.
5) During said break down I took a walk and ended up deciding to go check out the work out room at the other apartment complex. I didn't have the key with me (and I think it was closed anyway) but the lights were still on and I looked in the windows, and I think they have a few ellipticals! So that's exciting
6) Last night I was trying to help Jenny stretch her back, and I decided to see if I could still do a bridge. I could, which made me happy, but holy hell I was sore today. Like my whole body just ached . . . so no more random gymnastics moves.
2) Ironically, now that I've been in Flag a few months and am still getting screwed by my job and job hunting, I actually got a call from the Mohave County Sheriff's office about a job I applied for just after the breakup. It's a dispatcher job and they're doing the prelim testing for it tomorrow and Friday so if I can make it . . . yeah. It's really not even something I'd consider at this point but still, it's a bit annoying. Although between that and the five hour work week thing I wonder if it might be a sign to head back? But no, I don't really think that.
3) Tonight on the bus ride after work the bus driver played "Still The One" by Orleans. Totally a song that makes me think of Ex-Fiance and even though it made me sad, I didn't cry. (One night when we'd been dating a few months, that song came on Ex-Fiance's iPod while we were driving. He asked me if I knew it, which I did, and then he promised that he'd sing it to me someday when we'd been married for decades. And he sang it to me that night and all the other times it came on his iPod too).
4) Last night I had a break down. I've been kinda spotty with taking my medicine, which I'm not proud of. I don't know why I get so forgetful about that. So I'm going to try to get back on it and do as well as I was doing. However, I also recovered last night and was OK after about a half hour-ish, so that's definitely a good sign.
5) During said break down I took a walk and ended up deciding to go check out the work out room at the other apartment complex. I didn't have the key with me (and I think it was closed anyway) but the lights were still on and I looked in the windows, and I think they have a few ellipticals! So that's exciting
6) Last night I was trying to help Jenny stretch her back, and I decided to see if I could still do a bridge. I could, which made me happy, but holy hell I was sore today. Like my whole body just ached . . . so no more random gymnastics moves.
9.03.2012
A New Month
It's September!
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
7.29.2012
The First Step
I'm starting to get a little frustrated. When I decided to move back to Flagstaff, I was pretty upbeat about it. I mean, I'm still heartbroken over the whole situation, but I thought, this'll be my chance to really get myself together. To really improve myself so that I can live my life with or without Corey. And I feel so READY to do all that, I feel so READY to finally get better once and for all.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
7.10.2012
The Gym
I finally made it to the gym today.
Thanks to a misunderstanding on my part about the bus schedule, though, I ended up having to take the long way there. So by the time I got to the gym I'd probably walked about 2 miles total. And the Anytime Fitness here doesn't have just regular ellipticals, so I used an elliptical like machine. So between the walking before hand, the different machine, and the elevation, I was only able to do 10 minutes. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.
But better than nothing. And honestly if I'd tried one of those machines 6 or 8 months ago I probably wouldn't have even been able to do those 10 minutes. So it is some progress.
And I actually lost two pounds this past week! (I weigh myself on Mondays). I went from 182 to 180 so I'm pretty happy with that!
I just can't wait til I have a car so I can go to the gym whenever I feel like it again. I'm crossing my fingers/praying/hoping like crazy that I get one of the F/T jobs I applied for, because then I could definitely afford a car.
Thanks to a misunderstanding on my part about the bus schedule, though, I ended up having to take the long way there. So by the time I got to the gym I'd probably walked about 2 miles total. And the Anytime Fitness here doesn't have just regular ellipticals, so I used an elliptical like machine. So between the walking before hand, the different machine, and the elevation, I was only able to do 10 minutes. Laaaaaaaaaaaame.
But better than nothing. And honestly if I'd tried one of those machines 6 or 8 months ago I probably wouldn't have even been able to do those 10 minutes. So it is some progress.
And I actually lost two pounds this past week! (I weigh myself on Mondays). I went from 182 to 180 so I'm pretty happy with that!
I just can't wait til I have a car so I can go to the gym whenever I feel like it again. I'm crossing my fingers/praying/hoping like crazy that I get one of the F/T jobs I applied for, because then I could definitely afford a car.
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