Remember When?

Lately I find myself feeling very nostalgic.  I think it's mostly related to this time of year, because it was right around 4 years ago that I went on my first date with my ex.  

I remember him asking me to hang out via Facebook, and I remember almost ignoring the message and pretending I'd never seen it, and then saying yes at the last minute because I knew he needed to talk to someone and I felt bad blowing him off.  I remember him calling for directions to my apartment, because I live on the weirdest street in Flagstaff (it's a boulevard that is literally a block long) and no one can find it unless they've been there before.  I remember just driving all over town and listening to him talk about whatever.  I remember finally stopping at Lake Mary, and walking down to the water and having to grab his hand a few times to keep from falling, and him holding on longer than was necessary every time.  I remember him asking to hold me and sitting on a rock at the side of the lake with his arms around me.  I remember going to WalMart to buy an inflatable raft and leaving disappointed because they didn't have any.  I remember him taking the longest route possible to take me home, and him saying it was just because of the road work on the highway, and I remember having a feeling that he really just didn't want to drop me off.  I remember coming home and telling Jerbs about him and her making a comment that when I talked about him, I smiled like she hadn't seen me smile in a long time.

And all that wasn't even our first date.  Our first date was the next night, when he showed up at my apartment with a stuffed duck, a get well card, and a raft.

I really do miss him.  And it seems to get worse instead of better--I feel like I miss him more now than I ever have, when we're 2 years out from the break up and I'm fairly settled into this life without him.  It's something I just can't seem to get over, regardless of what I do.  I think I talk a big game about being over him, about not caring, and it's bullshit.  I am happy with my life, yes, and I'm doing well on my own, but I'm not over him.  I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be over it, telling myself that it's stupid to hang on and that I'm an idiot for still being in love with him and that after 2 years, I should have moved on.

I'm done with that.  I'm done beating myself up for the way I feel about him.  Honestly, it was a serious, real relationship, we were very committed to each other, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that those feelings are still there.  I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.  Obviously I'm not going to let it rule my life or anything like that, but still.

I want to be with him.  I know that, at this point, the odds of anything happening, of him feeling the same way, of him not having found someone else, are utterly astronomical, but I'm choosing to remain hopeful.  Because I still feel like he's who I'm supposed to end up with.  There's just something about him, about the way we were together, that makes me believe that.  I'm sure I sound like a total idiot to anyone reading this, but whatever.  I'm OK with that.

Valentine's Day Reflections

Valentine's Day has, in all honesty, never been a huge deal to me.  I' not too invested in it either way: if I'm attached, I don't go overboard celebrating, and if I'm single, I don't get all bitter and angry.  So today was just another day as far as I'm concerned.

But hearing all my happily married co-workers making plans (I am the only single person in my department) did make me feel a little lonely.  And it definitely reminded me of how much I miss my ex, and refreshed some of that regret I've talked about before.  Because at the end of the day, even with how happy I am and how well I'm doing, that loneliness and regret are still there.  Maybe not overwhelmingly so but for sure at the back of my mind.

So Valentine's Day made me think.

At this point it's been almost two years since he told me he didn't want to marry me, and just about a month less that I've been in Flagstaff.  I haven't seen or spoken to him since last July.

It's a pretty significant amount of time, yet I am no closer to being over him than I was the day I moved here.  Far more mentally stable, sure, and far more capable of living my own life.  There's no question that I'm doing better now than I was then.  But I'm still not over him.

And sometimes I wonder why, because it should be enough time to let go, right?  I mean . . . when this amount of time had passed after Jerbs and I broke up, I was already in love with and engaged to someone else.  I honestly thought that time was really going to be what led to getting over it, but that hasn't been the case.  Lately it seems that the better I get, the more I want a second chance with him.

I think it's because of the difference in myself.

Back when the break up happened, as completely miserable as I was about it, I knew it needed to happen.  I knew how sick I was and I knew that, at that point, I simply wasn't capable of being in a relationship.  I wasn't capable of being the kind of partner that I wanted to be and that he needed/deserved me to be.  I wanted to succeed at it but I just couldn't.  Even when I was engaged to and living with him, even on the good days, I would look at happily married couples (via all my married friends on FB, mostly) and just KNOW that it wasn't something I could attain the way I was then.  And I would feel so sad, because I knew I had the right guy, and I would feel so frustrated, because I felt like I was this close to the life I wanted but I couldn't stop sabotaging myself.

But now, I've done a full 180 from those feelings.  I know now--with 100% certainty--that I am completely capable of being in a relationship.  It's difficult to even put into words because the change has been so dramatic.  Things that used to bother me to the point of obsession (I'm not going to go into specifics here but he'd know what I was talking about if he read this) now seem dumb and insignificant and most definitely not worth the grief I let them cause me.  I've learned the importance and necessity of accepting someone, flaws and disagreements and all, for who they are.  I've learned how little someone's past matters when you genuinely love them and they genuinely love you.  I've gotten a lot better at communicating and I think I know how to express myself without flying off the handle or freaking out.  (Sad to just be figuring out all those skills at damn near 30 but whatever.

So I think that knowing all those things, and knowing how capable of being in a relationship I am now, makes the fact that it's not happening hurt more.  Knowing you can do something makes it extra shitty to not be able to.

I remember once, when I was living in Kingman and he was massively stressed out, I told him how sorry I was for the things that were going badly then.  And he looked at me and told me that I was his anchor through all of those bad things.  It is still one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me, and I was so happy and flattered to hear him say it, because I wanted to be his anchor.  But at the same time I felt terrified, because I knew that I was failing at it.  I could do it now.  Because I'm pretty awesome now.

I'm sure that someday, eventually, I'll be able to let go--of him and the regret--and love someone else.  I don't believe that I'm supposed to end up alone.  But I also genuinely believe that I already found the right person for me, and I hope his feelings are the same.

Happy Valentine's Day.

And Back Again

I don't want to say that everything I wrote about here was a lie.

But.

The high from that moment has definitely worn off a little.

Lately I find myself thinking about him.  Quite a bit.  I'm sure it has something to do with the holidays but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I'm lonely.  And I miss him.  And at the end of the day, regardless of how much I know that my life will go on either way, I'd still welcome that conversation.

But that moment in November was still a good thing.  A very good thing.  It's allowed me to really and truly envision a future without him in a good way.  I've let go of him in a big way, and that's good.

So I guess I'm clarifying.  I meant what I said before.  I'm confident in myself and my ability to just live my life.  I'm confident that whatever's ahead of me is bright and awesome and wonderful.  I'm happy now, and I'm going to continue to be happy.  I don't doubt that.  I'm strong and mentally healthy and I like my life.  Those things aren't going anywhere, and they most definitely do not hinge on whether or not he's a part of my life.

But I also still love him.  And I still think that we're supposed to be together.  And if the opportunity to make things work out between us came up, I'd take it.  Without hesitating.

I'll probably write about it more later.  But for now . . . that's that.

Thoughts & Stuff

I've been feeling pretty happy lately.  For the past two weeks, really, ever since I got back from Kingman; I think something about my visit home had an energizing effect on me.  I've been writing--like actually writing, not just sort of scribbling notes here and there, but actually focusing on one specific writing project and working on it.  I'm making progress on it and it makes me happy.  And I'm really proud of my diet accomplishments this past week; I know I wasn't perfect but I definitely took some really good steps in the right direction and I feel confident about how this next week will go in that respect.

It's been nice.  I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.

And then tonight just . . . I don't know.

It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.

Let me say that I am happy with my life.  I know I don't have a lot to complain about.  But there are times when I'm not content.  Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I am so lonely.  This is probably the worst thing.  I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff.  There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with.  She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable.  Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers.  I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.

And I'm sick of being single.  So fucking sick of it.  I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am.  And I hate myself for not being over it.  I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it.  Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing.  The regret is still immense.

I just . . . want a change.  I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal.  And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be.  And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.

Online Dating

Confession: I have a profile on Match.com.  I have for a couple months now, but I rarely think about it or check it.  It was made from a combination of being bored one night and just kind of being curious about what's out there.

It's not something I'm taking seriously right now.  I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating.  I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me.  Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix.  Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.

I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now.  Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet.  But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?

When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed.  I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with.  The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least.  Very, very daunting.

Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want!  You need to make a bold move!"  (That's a direct quote, I swear).  So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him.  Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks.  But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him.  I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back.  It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high.  I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.

I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing.  I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to.  And I've done that, I think.  For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health.  Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.

3 Years Ago And Some Thoughts On Regret

Three years ago I was falling in love.  Being swept off my feet by a guy I never would have expected to end up with.  It was all so beautifully unexpected because neither one of us was looking for anything resembling a relationship when we met but things just clicked too much for either of us to stop.  I'll never forget the first few months of that relationship--staying up all night eating cold pizza and drinking root beer and talking about everything, flipping my TV back and forth between football and Dancing With the Stars on Monday nights, him playing our song and dancing at his apartment . . . it was wonderful.  I don't think I could have imagined a better start to anything; it was exactly what I wanted, even if I didn't know I wanted it, even if before I'd never really imagined myself spending the rest of my life with anyone.  I fell for him on our first date, lying in his arms in a raft under the stars in the middle of a lake.

But three years ago, I was sick, too.

The thing is, when I look back over the past year, over the time that he and I have been apart and the time I've spent getting better, I feel nearly nothing but pride.  Because I know--I know--that I have accomplished something tremendous.  I've talked about it time and time again, and I'm sure I'll talk about it more in the future, because it's true.  I know exactly how far I've come and exactly how much better I am.  I'm aware of it every single day.  And I am grateful for it every single day, even on less than awesome days.

I've worked hard to get to where I am now, and I like my life.  And I really want to be able to look back and say that if all I got out of that relationship was this, then that's fine.  That's enough.  That whatever happens after that is just icing on the cake.

But I just can't think like that.  Not now, anyway.

Because sometimes when I think about what I've accomplished, it just doesn't feel as good as it should.  I'll never, ever think that it was pointless, because it wasn't.  I wouldn't trade being mentally healthy for anything.  I needed to get better, regardless of what was going on in my life otherwise.  That wasn't a maybe, that was a for sure.

But at the end of the day, no amount of being better can change the fact that I spent a pretty big chunk of time treating an amazing person who loved me and was trying to help me like absolute dirt, and that guilt and regret still overwhelms me sometimes.  Sometimes I honestly can't believe how awful I was, and it makes me feel terrible.  So getting better wasn't pointless by any means, but there are moments when it seems like it was too little, too late, at least in this one respect.  Because, aside from my own health, the biggest and most significant thing the bipolar crap cost me was that relationship.

I feel like I've fixed almost everything else.  My relationship with my family is fine (aside from normal family stuff, of course), my relationship with Jerbs is good, and I've reconnected with people from college who I cut out of my life when I was sick.  My financial situation is improving and I am slowly but surely learning how to manage my money correctly.  I'm taking baby steps towards physical health (and I'm fine with that . . . better small steps than no steps, right?).

I would just love to be forgiven.  I would love for him to see that I really am better and that the issues I used to have were genuinely not me; I would love for him to know how absolutely horrible I feel for every terrible thing I did and said.  I would love--really, really love-- for him to know this me.  I would love a second chance and a clean slate.  And I'm better enough now that I could have a second chance and make it work.

But, I can't change the past.  I wish I could.  So for now, I am just going to hope that this person eventually finds his way to forgiveness and that he still has feelings for me.

These are the thoughts that I'm putting out into the universe tonight.  And hopefully whatever powers are out there--God or stars or vortices or whatever--see fit to return them to me in a good way.

An Adorable Mess

That's what Jerbs called me last night when I was getting all weepy and emotional about her leaving.  Because I'm . . . adorable, I guess.

Jerbs is gone.  I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix.  (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here.  Isn't that insane?)  I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home.  And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week.  Sigh.

Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing.  I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish).  Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.

Some of it is Jerbs leaving.

Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot.  I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly.  I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.

Some of it is Benji.  The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is.  I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain.  I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have.  It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know?  I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy.  I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him.  I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself.  I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense?  And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me.  In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive.  The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes.  It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy.  He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works!  I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?

Some of it is Max.  He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously.  It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.

Anyway.  That's that.  Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.

So This Happened

So Wednesday.  July 3rd.  I'm sitting at my desk at work.  Late in the afternoon, almost time to go home, bored out of my mind because all my work was finished.  I hear my phone vibrate in my desk and since I'm so bored I decide to check it and see who texted me.

And it's Ex-Fiance, texting me something about how when the rental company in Kingman gave him a check for the security deposit on our old house, they put both our names on it, and would I be willing to go with him to cash it.  I didn't text him back because I was a little . . . I don't know, surprised.  It threw me to see his number on my phone because it's been almost a year since I heard from him and now this when I was totally and completely not expecting it.  I assumed he meant he'd be in town at some future date--like next week, maybe--and he wanted me to go with him then.

So then I go home and to my surprise, he's here.  At my house, hanging out with Jerbs like it's no big fucking deal, like he has every right to just show up unannounced because he needs a favor, like "and I'm at your house waiting for you so we can do it now" wouldn't have been pertinent information to include in the text he sent me.  I was too surprised to be mad at the time but in retrospect . . . yeah, I'm a little pissed off.

He was here for a couple hours.  We tried to do the check thing, which didn't work out, which unfortunately means that I still have to be involved in this bullshit, but whatever.  We had dinner, with Jerbs, not just us, and then he left, for Chinle, which is where he moved to after the school year ended.  I wasn't really surprised to know that.  We talked about a lot of nothing.  And it was weird and it was awkward and I'm still kind of processing that this even happened.

We never talked about us, and one of the weirdest and most uncomfortable things I've ever done in my life was to sit across from him chatting like friends and pretending that was all there'd ever been between us.  That we'd never lived together or planned a life together or . . . anything else.  It hurt.  But at the same time it didn't.  I don't know . . . I think most of what's come to mind since this little visit is meant for private journaling but I wanted to vent some of it to the universe, I suppose.

It was just such a bizarre and confusing experience.  I hadn't really been thinking about him much and this brought back a lot of things, and the end result is not what I'd have expected.  Suffice it to say that since he left I've just kind of had a lot on my mind.

Three Hundred and Sixty Five

I'm really not sure what to say about the one year anniversary but I feel like I need to say something.

It was a quiet, uneventful day.  My co-worker brought her kids over to visit Max (they're the ones I adopted him from) and they and Max had so much fun.  We took Max on a long walk together and when they left, he tried to leave with them; afterward he just sat at the front door and cried.  I took him to PetSmart and ran a few errands, then spent my evening watching LOST on Netflix and cleaning/organizing things around here.

So all in all, not a whole lot to talk about.  I expected it to feel . . . I don't know, more significant, but I didn't actually think about it much.  I mean, in the back of my mind, I was aware, all day, of the one year thing but overall, it wasn't too big a deal.  I thought about calling him more than once but every time I dialed his number I hung up before I even pressed talk.

It's hard to believe it's been a year.  Past that, I don't know what to say, really.  On the one hand this feels like a deadline: if it's been a whole year then it's definitely time to give up and stop hoping and just move on with my life regardless of how strongly I feel I'm not quite ready to do that.  On the other hand this has somehow made me feel more hopeful, in the sense of maybe now it's been long enough.  Maybe now enough time has passed that we can sit down and talk things out and go from there.

Sometimes I look at the past year and I feel like a failure.  I feel like there's so much more I could have accomplished if I'd worked a little bit harder or devoted myself a little bit more.  This is really pretty limited to my weight and physical health--sometimes I look in the mirror and I think to myself, Do you know how much you could have accomplished in a year if you'd just eaten better and worked out more?  And yeah, it disappoints me.

At the same time, though, I know that I have accomplished tons in the past year.  Reading blog entries and FB statuses from this time last year is proof that I'm really a completely different person now than I was then.

First and foremost, my mental health has improved by leaps and bounds.  I'm healthier now than I ever have been as an adult.  I feel like I'm in control of my own mind, I'm not as angry or as bitter, my sense of self gets stronger every day.  And even more than that I'v been able to commit to my treatment.  I take my medicine every day, I go to my doctor's appointments, I get my lab work done when I'm supposed to.  All great things that I definitely wasn't doing as much or as well before.  I don't have anxiety attacks anymore and I can sleep without sleeping pills.  I feel capable.  I do still have bad days but now when I do, they're normal bad days in the sense that whatever made them bad is a legitimate thing to be upset about.  Does that make sense?  Mostly I don't blow things out of proportion anymore, and one little aggravation doesn't ruin my day.

I'm also just . . . I don't know.  At this time last year I was mentally a mess, I didn't own a car, and I was making $8 an hour working in retail.  Now, I'm mentally healthy, was just able to buy a car on my own, and I'm making almost double what I used to be plus working actual full time hours.  It amazes me, because a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to have a full time job given my mental state.

So really, the best thing to say is that I've done well.  I've done as well as I could despite the fact that I got my heart broken and that I'm still heart broken right this very second.

At the end of the day, I still miss Ex-Fiance.  And I still love him.  And I would still really, really like the opportunity for a second chance.

I want him to know me like this.  I want him to see who I really am.  That girl that made him miserable . . . that wasn't me.  That's *not* me.  And I know that I'm at a point where I could be in a relationship and do it successfully, and I want it to be with him.  I still feel, very strongly, that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him.

So that's that.  Either way--with Ex-Fiance or without Ex-Fiance--I feel like I have a bright future and I'm glad to be alive and healthy.

I remember, just after the break up happened, I was in the back room at the Kingman Hastings with one of my co-workers.  We were talking, and I said something about how scared I was that things might not work out with Ex-Fiance in the end.  And my co-worker said, "So if that happens, then worst case scenario is you survive and come out of this knowing you can handle anything."  I honestly think it was the most useful thing anyone said to me at that point and I've carried it with me and repeated it to myself and now it feels more true than ever.

I'm looking forward to summer.  To my life.  To all the things I have yet to accomplish.

5 Little Pills and Bitter, Bitter Regret

Did you know that I take 5 pills a day?

Four of them are Lithium, 300mg apiece; I take two in the morning when I get to work and two at night before I go to bed.  The fifth is Paxil, 10mg, and I take it in the morning with my first Lithium dose.  The Lithium pills are a little bigger than a 200mg ibuprofen tablet, and the Paxil is tiny.  None of them are hard to swallow.  None of them taste bad.  None of them make me sick or sleepy or anything like that.

Taking them is easy.

Five little pills.  That's all it takes for me to be normal.  To be well.  To be healthy.  To be functional.  Just five little pills.

It is amazing to think that's all that was standing between me and mental health.  Well, that and a little willpower on my part, but the medicine took the edge off the sickness enough that I was able to find that willpower, if that makes sense.  At any rate, I feel like medication has been the foundation of my treatment.

I am glad to know that.  I am.  I am happy to know that I do need this for treatment, and that it really does work when I do what I'm supposed to.  I am happy to know that getting better was possible.

But at the same time knowing that fills me with a bitter, bitter regret, because if I'd done it sooner, things probably would have worked out between Ex-Fiance and me.  And I feel so incredibly stupid for not being able to get my shit together then.  I look at it now and I think, five little pills to save a relationship with a wonderful man I love (and yes, the present tense is intentional), five little pills for someone to come home to every night and wake up to every morning, for a marriage and a happily ever after.  Taking five pills a day seems like an absurdly small sacrifice in comparison to what I gave up.  It kills me to know that if I'd just done this from the beginning, if I'd just done something this simple when I first had the opportunity, I might be somewhere completely different now.  It just kills me.

There are no words for how badly I want a second chance.  No words for how incredibly sorry I am for throwing away what I had.  I would give anything for the opportunity to see what love feels like now because there is no doubt in my mind that it would work the way we wanted it to in the beginning.

Some Sundays

I think of him.

I haven't cried about the break up in months but for some reason, today, I couldn't help it and I curled up in my bed and just sobbed.

2012 in Review

Three hours left until the new year, and I kind of can't believe it.  Normally I don't like new year, because it's and ending, and that's always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself looking forward to the new year more than I ever have, and even though today is an ending, it's also a beginning.

I think the truest thing I can say about 2012 is that it was absolutely nothing what I expected.  I started the year engaged and kissed my fiance at midnight; I'm ending the year single and I'm a lot more OK with that than I ever thought I would be.  I began 2012 in a mental health rash, and I'm finishing it the most mentally healthy I've been in years.  At the beginning of 2012 I expected I'd be married by the end of it, still living in Kingman, building a life with a husband.  I never imagined that this year would bring me back to Flagstaff, but at the same time, in retrospect, I can't see it going any other way.

My year was exactly split between Flagstaff and Kingman.  From January 1st until June 30th, I lived in Ktown; from July 1st until now, I've been in Flagstaff.  Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten the first half of the year and the second half is all that this year was, but that's not true.

The first half of the year is defined by Ex-Fiance, and our relationship, and the end of our relationship.  As devastated as I was when I got dumped, I've realized that I probably knew all along it wasn't going to work out as was.  I think about how I felt then and there's no question that marriage in that state of mind would have been a huge, huge mistake.  But still, I know that my love for Ex-Fiance was genuine, and we had some truly beautiful moments this year.  And I know that he really loved me too.

Besides him, the first half of the year had lots of time with my family, orchestra and bells, and an OK job with a lot of really awesome co-workers.  I am so grateful that I got to get back into music in Kingman, and especially glad that I got to ring again.  It's true that those memories are a little marred by the fact that Ex-Fiance was so involved in them, but still.  And I'm glad that I got to work at the Kingman Hastings, because it showed me that I could get back on my feet and get out of my shell a little, if that makes sense.  Plus I made some amazing friends in my co-workers, and I miss them!

I also joined a gym in the first half of the year, which is something I NEVER thought I'd do.  Even though I didn't stick to a diet or lose much weight, I'm proud of how much I worked out, because it was definitely a step in the right direction.

Then came the big move back to Flagstaff.  I remember honestly thinking I would rather die than deal with what I was going through then--Ex-Fiance leaving me, having to say goodbye to my family, having to move back to a place I truly thought was hell, this horrible sense of my life being ripped out from under me and having to find a new path on my own.  I thought the stress and the sadness would kill me.

But it didn't.  I came to Flagstaff and I got stronger.  I got better, and sometimes I am still amazed at that.  I've definitely had my downs here--all of the work drama and now going on almost two months unemployed, but that's far better than I thought I would do.  The time I've spent up here, away from Ex-Fiance, focusing on myself, has been a blessing, for lack of a better term.  I've found this tremendous strength in me that I didn't know existed, and I've discovered that I can actually survive whatever life throws at me.  I may not always do it gracefully or beautifully, but I'll get through it.

I've learned to survive without a car.  To sleep on the floor and just be grateful that I've got somewhere to sleep at all.  To not be bitter when good things happen to the people around me.  To relax and take my life day by day and be patient with myself.  To believe that I am going somewhere and that my life is worth something.  To not take people I love for granted because they do have a breaking point.

I've learned that treatment for bipolar is something that I have to take seriously, and that when I do, I get better.  A lot better.  I only wish that had clicked sooner, because there aren't words for what I'd give to experience my relationship with Ex-Fiance from a mentally healthy perspective.  I believe, still, that there is a lot of love and genuine chemistry and potential between us, and I would love to see what it feels like to be together mentally healthy.

Even though there were some hellishly painful moments, I think 2012 went the way it was supposed to.  I think that where I am now is where I need to be.  Am I sad that I'm not doing anything for new year's eve?  A little.  Do I wish I was somewhere with Ex-Fiance, getting ready to kick of 2013 with a big romantic kiss?  Absolutely.  But if I had that, I might not be looking at life through these new, healthy eyes, and really, recovery has been worth all the trouble.

As for me and Ex-Fiance, I'm starting the new year in the middle of the road, with no expectations.  I'm focusing on myself and continuing my self improvement.  I still hope that eventually he and I can have a conversation and see what it feels like to be us again, but it's not something I'm focusing on.  I have a lot of other things I want to do, but if the opportunity to see him comes up, I know that I'll take it.  But I'm not dwelling on him anymore.

As for 2013, I'm starting the year off with a lot of stress--mostly work and money related, because I am still not working and I really need to be.  But even with that in mind, I feel like I'm going into the year with a clean slate.  I'm going into it not 100% mentally healthy, but closer to true mental health than I have been in a long, long, long time.  This is the first new year in years that I've not been miserable in some way, and I actually feel like 2013 is full of potential for me.  I am just looking forward to living my life.  I feel like this could actually be my year to accomplish something great.  I'm starting the year liking myself more than I ever have, and I'm happy to have that.

So here's to 2013, whatever it may bring.

Strange Thoughts

When Ex-Fiance and I first broke up, and I was telling people, almost everyone said that they were sorry and were sure we'd work it out.

Except Jeff.  Jeff, the books manager at the Kingman Hastings, said to me: "It's all right.  One day you'll wake up and he won't matter anymore and you'll stop thinking about him."

I remember thinking, at the time, that that was BS.

But now I'm not so sure.

I feel like I've changed almost overnight.  I don't know how to put it in words but I don't really feel like I used to . . . but at the same time I still don't feel ready to actually let go.

I'm tired.  I'll elaborate later.

Confessions & Some Self Shaming

For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance.  Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.

I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement.  I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again.  And I think I finally have.  I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes.  And it's not pleasant.  Not in the least.  I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there.  To get it off my chest.  Let people know that I'm horrible.  I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes.  The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
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If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment.  He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no.  (This got better once we lived together but still).

Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink.  And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.

Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.

I routinely made plans to leave him in my head.  When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her.  Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.

When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom).  Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.

Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin.  All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything.  I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was.  I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.

When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it.  I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him.  Just ignore his calls and texts altogether.  There really was never a reason for it.

I'd say nasty things online about him.  Specifically on Twitter.  I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.

The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home.  And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.

There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down.  Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
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Yep.  That was me.  That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day.  I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did.  We definitely definitely did.  But still, I was never very good.

There really is no excuse for all of that behavior.  I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better.  Not that that is in any way a defense.

What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person.  I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way.  I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.

And I can say, too, that I'm better now.  That I am profoundly different from who I was then.  Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way.  My thought processes are not remotely the same.  Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then.  With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better.  I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind.  It's amazing.

I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship.  I really do.  And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.

Either way, I will use this as a learning experience.  What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help.  I've learned not to take love for granted.

And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.

And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself.  And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy.  That's the most important thing, I think.  Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.

Six Months & An Evaluation

Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
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I remember that moment very well.  What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it.  It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened.  I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it.  As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight.  I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken.  I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance.  I felt so lost and so . . . out of place.  The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing.  I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me.  I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before.  Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there.  The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
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Now it's been six months.  Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.

There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long.  For half of a year, I've been single.  It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again.  I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.

So six months in, how am I doing?

Surprisingly well.  I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff.  I thought I'd be a complete mess.  I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.

But that hasn't been the case.

I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature.  I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds.  I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another.  I've worked out.  I've written two short stories.  I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life.  And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it.  I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.

I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago.  Mentally, I'm night and day.  I am so much healthier now.  SO much healthier.  I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now.  I'm just so much more at home in my own mind.  I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years.  It's amazing.  And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that.  Because what I have needed all along was just to get better.  I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here.  Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely.  But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.

Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it.  I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better.  I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people.  And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself.  I really am.

The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be.  But the thing is, I'm OK with that now.  I feel like that's DOABLE.  I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose.  Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it.  Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it.  But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
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So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?

In short, I still love him.  I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.

I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried.  I still hope for that.  I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does.  And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
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At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.

Struggles and Stuff

I now know for sure that my full body soreness is just from my POS air bed.  For the past few weeks Jerbs has been offering to let me have her bed for a night and I keep declining because . . . I don't really know.  This morning I woke up as she was leaving, and I felt like crap.  I was so sore, and I'd slept maybe 2 hours the whole night, so I figured, what the hell.  I threw her blankets and pillows on my bed and moved mine over to hers, and I crashed.  I crashed hard.  I fell asleep basically as soon as I layed down and I didn't fully wake up until my alarm went off.  When I got up my hips didn't hurt and my back didn't hurt . . . glorious.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling?  Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it.  I know what I need to do to fix myself.  I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog.  And at one point  I was really determined to do all of those things.  But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve.  What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life?  I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid.  I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better.  Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today.  Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it.  I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right.  I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable.  And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all.  One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?**  At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart.  As it is I stand by what I said.  New Years Eve.  If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing.  Y'know?  Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him.  And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him.  And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing.  And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well,  somewhere else at least.  It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is.  I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do.  More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again.  Ever.  Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single.  And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it.  Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say.  And in a way right now that's true.  But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning.  I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure.  (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened.  And that's really disconcerting.  In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess.  Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious.  And now . . . now it feels like just nothing.  Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way.  Just indifference.  And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated.  But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.

I Finally Realized

This past Saturday, I was thinking about Ex-Fiance.  And I had this moment where I was overwhelmed with hope.  I suddenly had this strong feeling that things would happen soon.  That we were going to start talking, that the conversation was going to happen, and that it wouldn't be much longer before it did.  And that feeling made me happy.

Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.

It didn't bother me as much as you'd think.  It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.

I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen.  It can't.  For a few reasons.

I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back.  Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching.  Whatever potential it might have had is gone now.  There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.

I really did, and do, love him.  For so many reasons.  And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss.  Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.

But he broke my heart.  I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot.  But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.

Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching?  That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class?  And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems?  And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that.  And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that.  But holy hell I tried and tried and tried.  And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled.  I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.

He broke up with me on the last day of school.  I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.

I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons.  And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed.  I've struggled.  Life isn't particularly happy for me.  I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.

I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here.  And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life.  Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman.  I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager.  I loved sharing that with him.  I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie).  I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.

And Ex-Fiance kept that life.  While I'm up here struggling, he's happy.  He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year.  He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing).  He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring.  He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him.  I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives.  Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180.  I truly hate that.

Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance.  It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25).  Plus I spent holidays with him.  That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds.  Especially Christmas.  I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with.  And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up.  On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me.  On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted.  And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same.  It makes me so sad.  I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.

I have tried to be his friend.  I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out.  But how fair is that?  Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?

All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking.  If only I knew how he really felt about me.  But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need?  Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels?  I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.

Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things.  Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future.  What's done is done.  I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.

I'm giving it until New Years Eve.  If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo.  I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time.  Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.

I'll be honest:  if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me.  Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life.  (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).

Loved and Lost

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

That's been on my mind lately.  Mostly because since the whole break up thing happened there have been people who said it to me and it always just kind of bugs me.

So I asked myself . . . if I could go back to a time before either of my serious relationships started and know how they'd end up before I got into them . . . would I do it again?

With Jerbs, I'm not sure.  I loved her and our break up wasn't too over dramatic or anything.  I mean, it wasn't a pleasant experience, but still.  However, in the years since the break up I've felt a tremendous amount of guilt over her.  I've felt guilty for not being with her after all she's done for me, and I feel guilty that she's still doing so much for me even though I've fallen in love with someone else and all that.  So I'd only not date Jerbs in order to avoid the guilt.  If I could go back and see how things turned out, I'd still do it, I'd probably just work harder to not become so dependent on her during the relationship.  And I might insist we not live together after the break up.

With Ex-Fiance, there's no question: if I had known that things would turn out this way, I'd choose to never meet him.  I'd rather have never known him at all than be going through this now.  Yes, love is wonderful and all that, but in my opinion, not worth this.  Not in the least.

And it's not even really because of not having him.  As much as I love Ex-Fiance, I'm pretty sure I can adjust to life without him in it.  What's hard to live with is the intense sense of worthlessness I got out of this whole thing.  When Ex-Fiance broke up with me I felt completely worthless.  I was so distraught that someone could tell me that I meant so much, that I was worth so much, that he loved me so much, that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.  He promised to always love me, and I believed him--I believed him 100%.  And for him to be able to just walk away from all that is mind blowing to me.  Nothing--NOTHING--has ever hurt my self esteem so much.  And I know that I contributed to the break up to, but the . . . I don't know, the coldness of it on his part was hurtful.

It seems that people get engaged left and right anymore.  I know tons of people from college who have gotten engaged and broken up like it was nothing, and I hate that.  When I got engaged, I meant it.  I wasn't agreeing to an engagement and a shiny ring--I was agreeing to a marriage and a life long commitment.  And there have been people who have acted like I was an idiot for ever believing in it at all, which is just sad.  He asked me to marry him; I thought he meant it.  I honestly believed that that relationship was it for me.  And going from that to this just sucks.

I hate how I went from being sure of something to being sure of nothing.  I don't like where I am right now; I don't like being back to wondering where my life is going.  Sure, a marriage was going to be just one part of my life, but it was nice to have something to be sure about.

So even though I still love Ex-Fiance, I'd choose not meeting him over this any.day.of.the.week.  The end.

Dear Ex-Fiance

Dear Ex-Fiance,

It was a rainy, cold day up here today.  I love this kind of weather but today it really just made me feel lonely.

I think it's because you and I always used to talk about moving to Seattle and spending all of our time in the rain.  And I remember cuddling closer to you in our bed at night whenever we got rain last fall.  I know that I wasn't fond of sharing a bed but now I kind of hate sleeping alone.

Love,
Jessica

Simple

Something I've noticed lately (probably over the past few weeks, maybe a month) is that my feelings towards Ex-Fiance have changed quite a bit.

What I feel hasn't changed.  I still love him, I still miss him, I am still hoping for a chance to reconcile and be together again.  In fact, those feelings have actually increased since I moved back to Flagstaff.

But these feelings have become much simpler.

When we first broke up, it felt so complicated in my head.  Especially once I moved.  I was just constantly wondering about the break up and asking myself what went wrong.  I'd feel insanely angry and bitter and just want to scream, then I'd feel so depressed that all I wanted was to sit and cry.  I looked back over the relationship and picked out issues that drove us apart and thought of how they could be corrected.  I thought of specific moments that were bad between us.  I wondered where he was and what he was doing and how he was without me.  I panicked, over and over and over again, at little reminders of him and that life.

And now . . . now all I think is that I miss him and love him.  And that I want very badly to see him.  I want to put my arms around him and bury my head in his shoulder like I used to.

I know that those things would just be a beginning.  I know that if anything is going to happen, there are things we'll need to discuss and work out figure out, and I know that probably won't be easy or pleasant.  But I'm at a point where it doesn't scare me anymore.  Where however hard it's going to be to rebuild, it's worth it, because I love him enough to stick it out.

I think this is a good thing.  I think maybe this is something I needed to realize.  I think our relationship was one where we both became so focused on the problems and issues that we sort of lost sight of just loving each other.  And I feel like that no matter what, that's the most important thing, and that a sincere love for each other should be at the base of any serious relationship.

I feel ready to talk things out.  I feel ready to start this conversation.  Between how much better I'm doing mental health wise, how strongly I feel about Ex-Fiance and how much those feelings have gone back to basics, and how confident I feel in my ability to move forward with him . . . I'm ready.  I just feel like I'm at a place where I could have that conversation and have it be successful--where we could rebuild things and be better at it.  It's hard to put into words but it really is how I feel.

I think back to basics is a good place to be as far as the relationship goes.  I want a fresh start and I think that's the best way to get it.