Today the countdown on my phone says 28 days until we move. That's only 4 weeks and holy shit, that's insane.
I'm starting to hit my panic mode. I don't know why exactly but I'm just starting to stress big time about all of this. I feel like not enough's done, like I'm not ready, like I'm not really engaging and this is all just kind of happening too fast. Which is stupid, because I've known this was coming for a really, really long time. But seriously, I feel like we got back from our trip, and at that point we had 3 months until the move and that was plenty of time, and then I blinked and now it's August and we're down to 4 weeks to get everything ready to go. It's unreal.
I'm telling myself that it'll be OK. Everything's going to work out however it's supposed to and in the meantime all I can do is keep packing and preparing as much as I can.
But I'll be very glad when all this is over and we're moved and settled.
Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts
8.04.2016
3.03.2016
Moving Related Conversations
Moving to the PNW seems to be the most talked about thing between Jerbs and me right now.
We talked about the possibility of leaving Flagstaff earlier than September. The point of staying until then was to reduce the amount I'd owe MHC for my coding class when I quit, and now that I'm not quitting, I don't have to worry about that. We talked about leaving at the end of June, which is when our lease is actually up and would make the most sense. But our trip to WA is at the end of May, and I feel like getting back and only having 30 days before we leave would just be a little too much stress. Plus it wouldn't be great financially, we need more time to save up. Then we talked about leaving at the end of July, and we had pretty much agreed that we were going to do that. Then Jerbs remembered that she's going to ComicCon at the end of July so we nixed that idea. I didn't want to have to do all the cleaning and packing mostly alone, and the turn around time of her getting back and us leaving like 3 days later felt like it would be too stressful. So the plan is still to leave at the end of August/beginning of September. I'm actually glad for that, just because it gives us plenty of time to save and get our ducks in a row, and I like the idea of leaving at the end of summer. I'm just weird like that.
I've also been banned, mostly by myself but also by Jerbs, from looking at apartments online for the month of March. I've been getting a little . . . carried away looking at apartments, trying to find somewhere we can live, and having massive anxiety attacks about not being able to find a nice place etc. etc. etc. It's getting to a bad point so I'm forcing myself to just stop for a month and take a step back from it. Jerbs has (rightfully) pointed out that the move is still far enough away that looking at apartment right now is pretty pointless, and that I'm not going to pick anywhere until I see places when we go to WA in May anyway. So that's that. (Full disclosure, I've already failed at my ban twice since I imposed it--yesterday and the day before. I've been good today, though!).
We talked about the possibility of leaving Flagstaff earlier than September. The point of staying until then was to reduce the amount I'd owe MHC for my coding class when I quit, and now that I'm not quitting, I don't have to worry about that. We talked about leaving at the end of June, which is when our lease is actually up and would make the most sense. But our trip to WA is at the end of May, and I feel like getting back and only having 30 days before we leave would just be a little too much stress. Plus it wouldn't be great financially, we need more time to save up. Then we talked about leaving at the end of July, and we had pretty much agreed that we were going to do that. Then Jerbs remembered that she's going to ComicCon at the end of July so we nixed that idea. I didn't want to have to do all the cleaning and packing mostly alone, and the turn around time of her getting back and us leaving like 3 days later felt like it would be too stressful. So the plan is still to leave at the end of August/beginning of September. I'm actually glad for that, just because it gives us plenty of time to save and get our ducks in a row, and I like the idea of leaving at the end of summer. I'm just weird like that.
I've also been banned, mostly by myself but also by Jerbs, from looking at apartments online for the month of March. I've been getting a little . . . carried away looking at apartments, trying to find somewhere we can live, and having massive anxiety attacks about not being able to find a nice place etc. etc. etc. It's getting to a bad point so I'm forcing myself to just stop for a month and take a step back from it. Jerbs has (rightfully) pointed out that the move is still far enough away that looking at apartment right now is pretty pointless, and that I'm not going to pick anywhere until I see places when we go to WA in May anyway. So that's that. (Full disclosure, I've already failed at my ban twice since I imposed it--yesterday and the day before. I've been good today, though!).
1.10.2016
Moving: The Plan
We're starting to talk about the moving to Washington thing seriously now, and we've hashed out a little bit of a plan.
At some point in the near-ish future we're going to visit WA to explore and look at apartments. This should be sometime in the early summer, like April or May.
Our lease is up at the end of June, but we're going to stay in Flagstaff until September. This mostly has to do with my job: when MHC paid for my coding class, I signed a contract that's basically tiered as far as how much I'll have to repay if I leave the company. If I had stayed at MHC 6 months or less after I enrolled, I'd have to pay back the full cost of the course. If I stayed 6 months to a year, I'd pay back 75%. At the year mark I have to pay back half, at a year and half I have to pay back a quarter, and if I stay 2 years I don't have to pay back anything.
I enrolled in February of 2015, so August of 2016 puts me at the 1.5 year mark. So I want to stay thru that, because paying back a quarter of the class won't bee too terrible--I think around $400? I can just kind of figure that into the moving budget.
We also decided that to save money for the move, Jerbs is going to pay the rent on our apartment herself for the next few months, and I'm going to put my half of the rent into savings every month. It sounds (and feels, to be honest) a little unfair, but we really think it's going to be the best way to get the money together. (As of this second, I don't know exactly how much it'll cost to do this).
I also realized that, since Jerbs doesn't drive, I'm going to have to rent a UHaul and a trailer thing to haul my car on. This, honestly, is the worst thing I've realized so far, because the thought of driving a giant moving truck towing my SUV 1,300 miles sounds truly fucking terrible. I like the idea of not putting those miles on my car but at the same time . . . gah. I'm kind of hoping I can convince someone to drive my car up with me and then I'll fly them home. So we'll see.
At some point in the near-ish future we're going to visit WA to explore and look at apartments. This should be sometime in the early summer, like April or May.
Our lease is up at the end of June, but we're going to stay in Flagstaff until September. This mostly has to do with my job: when MHC paid for my coding class, I signed a contract that's basically tiered as far as how much I'll have to repay if I leave the company. If I had stayed at MHC 6 months or less after I enrolled, I'd have to pay back the full cost of the course. If I stayed 6 months to a year, I'd pay back 75%. At the year mark I have to pay back half, at a year and half I have to pay back a quarter, and if I stay 2 years I don't have to pay back anything.
I enrolled in February of 2015, so August of 2016 puts me at the 1.5 year mark. So I want to stay thru that, because paying back a quarter of the class won't bee too terrible--I think around $400? I can just kind of figure that into the moving budget.
We also decided that to save money for the move, Jerbs is going to pay the rent on our apartment herself for the next few months, and I'm going to put my half of the rent into savings every month. It sounds (and feels, to be honest) a little unfair, but we really think it's going to be the best way to get the money together. (As of this second, I don't know exactly how much it'll cost to do this).
I also realized that, since Jerbs doesn't drive, I'm going to have to rent a UHaul and a trailer thing to haul my car on. This, honestly, is the worst thing I've realized so far, because the thought of driving a giant moving truck towing my SUV 1,300 miles sounds truly fucking terrible. I like the idea of not putting those miles on my car but at the same time . . . gah. I'm kind of hoping I can convince someone to drive my car up with me and then I'll fly them home. So we'll see.
9.29.2012
Boxes
When I went to Kingman, I didn't take much of my stuff back to Flagstaff with me.
I took my violin, which I'll probably sell, both because I don't really plan on playing it much and because it was a gift from Corey and therefore a reminder of him. I took my sewing machine. And I took three boxes--one of my winter clothes (which I really needed!), one of notebooks and books (mostly because it had the hard copies of the writing samples I want to use for grad school in it), and one that is all of the sentimental things I accumulated during my relationship with Corey--dried flowers, stuffed animals, photos, love letters, our engagement rings.
The only one I'm going to unpack completely is the one of winter clothes. I'll take what I need out of the notebooks/books one and throw the rest into storage, and the last one I just wanted here because it's comforting. I'm not going to open it yet. I thought I'd want to pull out my engagement ring but then I realized that I don't really want to see it on my finger again, unless it's given back to me by him.
Right now the boxes are just sitting on the porch and I've been putting off unpacking/storing them for a week. I don't know why but the thought of going through them makes me incredibly anxious and I don't want to do it. I am absolutely dreading it.
It's silly, really, because it's innocuous stuff--clothes, socks, books that I've owned for years. I have a few theories.
A) I think the stuff in these boxes are all reminders of the old me. Not just the me that was with Corey; not just that life (although I'm sure that's part of it). It's a reminder of being sick and lost and unhappy.
B) It makes me feel cluttered. One of the most significant symptoms of borderline personality disorder is issues of identity--people with it tend to feel like they don't know who they are. And I spent years feeling like that. And when I lived with Corey sometimes I felt . . . like there were a bunch of my identities lying around and I would panic because I wasn't embracing any of them. Like I'd walk into our NERD room and see my flute and violin, my sewing machine and fabric, my notebooks, and I'd have this sense of panic, like oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a musician and a seamstress and a writer and I'd feel like I didn't know which one was the right me. It was horrible. It made it difficult to just live and do what I wanted, because I'd wonder if what I was doing was actually who I was. (This was going on before I met Corey, too).
But when I moved back up here, I only took what I absolutely needed. And that was refreshing. I think not having all of those extra things helped with the identity stuff, and seeing the things in these boxes is like being reminded of other things I'm supposed to be, if that makes sense. I feel more like I can just do what I want--like I can go hiking and go to grad school and have a job and write and read and whatever and it's all just part of ME--and I really don't want to undo that progress.
(Have I mentioned that being borderline absolutely blows? Because it does).
C) Seeing more of my stuff here makes it feel like I really do live here. And obviously, I do live here but . . . I don't know. It makes it seem more real, more permanent. It also reminds me that I don't have my own space right now to put all of my stuff, and that's a little frustrating and depressing.
D) I'm a pack rat and have been my whole life (which is probably borderline related) and being here with only what I needed has kind of made me realize how little I need so much of the stuff I have. But at the same time I can't bring myself to throw things away (probably also borderline related).
Anyway. I'm determined to suck it up and get to it tomorrow, since I'm off.
After all, they're just boxes.
I took my violin, which I'll probably sell, both because I don't really plan on playing it much and because it was a gift from Corey and therefore a reminder of him. I took my sewing machine. And I took three boxes--one of my winter clothes (which I really needed!), one of notebooks and books (mostly because it had the hard copies of the writing samples I want to use for grad school in it), and one that is all of the sentimental things I accumulated during my relationship with Corey--dried flowers, stuffed animals, photos, love letters, our engagement rings.
The only one I'm going to unpack completely is the one of winter clothes. I'll take what I need out of the notebooks/books one and throw the rest into storage, and the last one I just wanted here because it's comforting. I'm not going to open it yet. I thought I'd want to pull out my engagement ring but then I realized that I don't really want to see it on my finger again, unless it's given back to me by him.
Right now the boxes are just sitting on the porch and I've been putting off unpacking/storing them for a week. I don't know why but the thought of going through them makes me incredibly anxious and I don't want to do it. I am absolutely dreading it.
It's silly, really, because it's innocuous stuff--clothes, socks, books that I've owned for years. I have a few theories.
A) I think the stuff in these boxes are all reminders of the old me. Not just the me that was with Corey; not just that life (although I'm sure that's part of it). It's a reminder of being sick and lost and unhappy.
B) It makes me feel cluttered. One of the most significant symptoms of borderline personality disorder is issues of identity--people with it tend to feel like they don't know who they are. And I spent years feeling like that. And when I lived with Corey sometimes I felt . . . like there were a bunch of my identities lying around and I would panic because I wasn't embracing any of them. Like I'd walk into our NERD room and see my flute and violin, my sewing machine and fabric, my notebooks, and I'd have this sense of panic, like oh yeah, I'm supposed to be a musician and a seamstress and a writer and I'd feel like I didn't know which one was the right me. It was horrible. It made it difficult to just live and do what I wanted, because I'd wonder if what I was doing was actually who I was. (This was going on before I met Corey, too).
But when I moved back up here, I only took what I absolutely needed. And that was refreshing. I think not having all of those extra things helped with the identity stuff, and seeing the things in these boxes is like being reminded of other things I'm supposed to be, if that makes sense. I feel more like I can just do what I want--like I can go hiking and go to grad school and have a job and write and read and whatever and it's all just part of ME--and I really don't want to undo that progress.
(Have I mentioned that being borderline absolutely blows? Because it does).
C) Seeing more of my stuff here makes it feel like I really do live here. And obviously, I do live here but . . . I don't know. It makes it seem more real, more permanent. It also reminds me that I don't have my own space right now to put all of my stuff, and that's a little frustrating and depressing.
D) I'm a pack rat and have been my whole life (which is probably borderline related) and being here with only what I needed has kind of made me realize how little I need so much of the stuff I have. But at the same time I can't bring myself to throw things away (probably also borderline related).
Anyway. I'm determined to suck it up and get to it tomorrow, since I'm off.
After all, they're just boxes.
9.19.2012
The Thing Is
Ex-Fiance has been on my mind a lot lately. I think about him and I think about us, and I think about what went wrong between us and how we'd go about fixing it if we decided to. I remember things and I think about just what it was like to be with him. The memories feel weird now--like it's been so long since I saw him or touched him or kissed him that they've faded and almost don't seem real. Sometimes it feels like it was a dream, other times I just feel amazed in this, wow, how could that have been my life kinda way. Sometimes I wonder what it would/will feel like if/when we saw/see each other in person again. I haven't seen him since July 15th so it's been quite awhile.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
I miss him. I really do. And there are days when that is very overpowering, when I feel it in my entire body. When it's more a state of being then a feeling. And I don't anticipate that going away anytime soon. I still hope very much that Ex-Fiance's thinking of me too and that we will eventually be able to discuss us and be together.
The thing is, though, that this separation and my being here was absolutely the right thing to do. I've read some of my entries from before I left Kingman and when I was first here and I remember how miserable I was, but now . . . now I can't imagine having stayed. Our relationship really had suffered and I really wasn't doing well, and I see that now. So even though I think Ex-Fiance handled it poorly . . . this was right. Hopefully not right forever, but definitely right for right now.
Right now, I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. I'm not panicky, I'm not constantly angry, my moods don't change quite so quickly. I'm not perfect by any means, and I know that I've got a long way to go, but I'm much closer to where I want to be now than I was before. I'm doing really well taking my medicine--again, not perfect, because I really am forgetful--but it's much better. I feel very open to counseling and I'm looking forward to starting that. I think that's the big thing now--I feel more ready to just kick this crap and be done with it and live my life. I've wasted enough time already--NO MORE. Definitely a good thing.
I feel less anxious about where my life is going. I used to wonder almost 24/7 what I was doing with my life and what I should be doing and stuff like that, and I was always anxious as hell about it. I always felt like I was behind and like I'd done something wrong and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. These feelings aren't totally gone and there are times when hearing from or about my engaged or married friends when I feel a pang of anxiety but overall, I feel much more comfortable living MY life and being on MY path now.
I've decided to go back to school and get my Masters in English, and then from there pursue my PhD. I think deep down that's what I've always wanted to do, but I felt like it would be a waste of time to spend so much of my life in school. I think there are a lot of reasons I felt that way but now, I think more along the lines of if it's really what I want to do with my life then I should do it.
I'm also writing again, which is fantastic. And I'm losing weight and I'm not eating fast food. Generally, I'm doing well.
My moods aren't perfect. I still have my bad moments. But now most of those bad moments feel like they're just because I'm human, not because I'm bipolar.
Now, one question that pops up in my mind for me is, why was I never able to do this stuff with Ex-Fiance around? Why couldn't I be in a relationship with him and make this kind of progress? And I think it's because my mental illnesses attacked Ex-Fiance so much that he, essentially, became part of them. He became a toxin, in a way, and I needed to be away from him to actually get better. Plus I was always so focused on him that I couldn't focus on myself. And I think there was a part of me that thought that any change on my part, even if it was changing to get better and was positive, would make me different, and then I wouldn't be the woman he wanted. I know that's irrational but still.
Ultimately, though, Ex-Fiance wasn't holding me back. My mental illness was and it reflected on him. Ex-Fiance was never really a bad partner (I mean, he wasn't perfect and he had his moments but he was never awful). It was just my mind's perception of him that screwed things up. And that's why I take so much of the responsibility for what happened--because I did have a good man who loved me, but I wasn't healthy enough to have that.
Sometimes I wonder if my mind will ever be strong enough for me to combine my life with someone else's.
I do know that I'm going to keep working at myself. And I'm going to keep getting better. And my life is going to go where I want it and I am going to be happy.
9.01.2012
2 Months
As of today I've been back in Flagstaff for two months.
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
Two. Freaking. Months.
That is just so bizarre to me.
I miss:
--having a car and not taking the bus
--the Kingman store and how organized and well run it is
--my awesome co-workers
--Anytime Fitness/working out in general (God I feel out of shape right now)
--orchestra
--bell choir (really I just miss having any kind of musical activity in my life)
--playing Legos/going to the park/watching Toy Story/painting/reading/whatever with Austin (so so much)
--hanging out with my mom and dad just whenever
--having my sisters nearby
--Herkimer, Gatsby, Bernard, Edgar (RIP), and the fishies
--sleeping in a real, comfortable, big bed
--having enough closet space for my clothes
--my sewing machine (definitely a priority as far as what I bring up next)
--having a kitchen I could cook in
--my big bathroom and deep bathtub and awesome showerhead
--sex (a lot)
--date nights
--Ex-Fiance and pretty much everything that goes with that
But even with all the things I miss, I do think that moving back to Flagstaff was the best choice in light of the situation. I was thinking the other day of what the past two months would have been like if I was in Kingman, and I think it would have been awful.
I was just thinking of going out in Kingman and worrying that I'd run into him, or wondering what he was doing at any given time, or going to orchestra or bells and not knowing how to act around him or what to say to him . . . it doesn't sound pleasant. And granted, I wonder what he's doing from time to time but somehow it's easier up here, because I can't really do anything about it. Whereas in Kingman I think the temptation to drive by the house or even just call him would be really awful. I also think about wanting to go out or needing to go grocery shopping and having to call my mom or dad or ask my sister for a ride, and I don't like that idea. Even though the bus kinda sucks, it's more independence than I'd have in Kingman.
I still miss that life. Some days my mind will be on something totally unrelated and it'll hit me out of nowhere--I had a whole other life for a while. I was doing something completely different and it's such a weird feeling and thought. But at the same time I think that with the advantage of hindsight I see how much I needed to work on myself and how unhappy I was at points. So in that respect, I'm . . . well, I'm not glad this happened by any means, but I understand why it was necessary. I just need to be patient and take things day by day and see what happens. If Ex-Fiance and I are meant to be we'll be.
Two months down and . . . I don't really know how long to go, but we'll see!
7.01.2012
Moving Day
Well, I'm officially in Flagstaff. My important shit is all in Jerbs' apartment and the less important stuff (ie most of it) is still in Kingman.
Basically the day went like this: kept resetting the alarm because I was tired, Dad calls to say his truck is having issues so we can't use it for the trip, have to buy more boxes and packing tape because I underestimated how much crap I have, load up the car with what we can fit/what I'll need right away, say goodbye to my family, and hit the road. Once we got to Flagstaff we unloaded, I inflated my super awesome air bed, Corey hung out for a while, we had dinner, got some groceries, and he left for Kingman. And now . . . here I am.
Honestly the day wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I was vaguely anxious and depressed for most of it and I did have a couple moments of rage but I did a lot better than I thought I would. I didn't cry when he left, I just teared up a little. I'll admit there was a moment of just solid horrible anxiety as I watched him drive away, because I just had this feeling of oh my gosh, this is really it.
But I know from personal experience that it could've been a lot, lot, lot worse.
It's all just still very strange to me--like I still don't really believe this is happening and I still feel a little bit numb about it. It all just seems so sudden, I guess. But I really am here, and I really will wake up in the morning 150 miles away from Corey. It's bizarre, but I feel almost calm.
I still hope and think things will work out. I miss Corey already and I'm sure he's missing me. But for now this whole arrangement just might work.
Basically the day went like this: kept resetting the alarm because I was tired, Dad calls to say his truck is having issues so we can't use it for the trip, have to buy more boxes and packing tape because I underestimated how much crap I have, load up the car with what we can fit/what I'll need right away, say goodbye to my family, and hit the road. Once we got to Flagstaff we unloaded, I inflated my super awesome air bed, Corey hung out for a while, we had dinner, got some groceries, and he left for Kingman. And now . . . here I am.
Honestly the day wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. I was vaguely anxious and depressed for most of it and I did have a couple moments of rage but I did a lot better than I thought I would. I didn't cry when he left, I just teared up a little. I'll admit there was a moment of just solid horrible anxiety as I watched him drive away, because I just had this feeling of oh my gosh, this is really it.
But I know from personal experience that it could've been a lot, lot, lot worse.
It's all just still very strange to me--like I still don't really believe this is happening and I still feel a little bit numb about it. It all just seems so sudden, I guess. But I really am here, and I really will wake up in the morning 150 miles away from Corey. It's bizarre, but I feel almost calm.
I still hope and think things will work out. I miss Corey already and I'm sure he's missing me. But for now this whole arrangement just might work.
6.30.2012
Numb
Today I've just been numb. The combination of it being my would have been wedding day and the day before I move away from Corey (potentially for good) has not been pleasant. I feel numb and shut down and almost outside of my body. I really can't believe this is all happening.
I've gone through the motions. I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.
I do not want what's happening. I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.
I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here. But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today. My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.
Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon. This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends. As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.
It fucking blew.
And of course I don't want to move. There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.
I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it. I just hope that's true.
I've gone through the motions. I got up at baby sat Saucy, I ate, I went to work and did my job, but I was on autopilot.
I do not want what's happening. I don't want to leave, I don't want it to be over, I don't want anything to do with any of it.
I still hope that this isn't the end; I still hope that someday soon Corey and I will reconcile and that I'll move back here. But still, my head hast just been in non stop attack mode today. My thoughts have been racing, thinking things like, this is the last time I'll do this or that, and it sucks. I can't even begin to describe every thought in my head because they're all fleeting and scattered but . . . well, like I said, it sucks.
Last night before I went to bed, I just thought, I should be in Sedona right now, wide awake because I can't sleep because I'm so excited that my wedding's happening soon. This afternoon I found myself thinking, I should have been married by now; I should be at my little reception, celebrating with my family and friends. As the sun was going down, I was thinking, right now I should be alone with Corey, watching the sunset at some romantic spot in Sedona as newlyweds.
It fucking blew.
And of course I don't want to move. There is nothing I want to do less than move, especially back to Flagstaff of all freaking places.
I try to tell myself to be calm and to be patient, and that if I make it through this, and hang in there now, and really work hard to get myself to where I want to be, then the reward will be worth it. I just hope that's true.
My Saucy
Hands down the hardest part about leaving is explaining it to Austin. He knows I'm going to Flagstaff, but he keeps asking if I'm coming back "after Flagstaff." And I've tried to tell him that I'll definitely come back and visit but that I'm not sure if I'll ever be back to stay. And he doesn't get it.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
I promised him I'd come back for his birthday though, which made him happy.
He told me he loved me and that he'll miss me bunches, and I told him he has to make his mom bring him to visit me in Flagstaff and he said ok. He also asked me a few times where Flagstaff is and I tried to explain it but . . . well, he didn't really get it.
I love that little boy like he was my own, and the best part of moving back to Kingman was getting to be a part of his life. I was so sad when he was born because I lived in Flagstaff then, and I hated that I didn't get to be a part of his life. I didn't like coming to visit and him only sort of knowing who I was. But now he's my little buddy, and we have stuff that we like to do together and little inside jokes, and I freaking love it. He's such a great kid.
I am really really really going to miss him.
I don't want to leave. I beyond don't want to leave. The closer it gets the more I dread it, the worse the anxiety gets. There are times when I feel so anxious about it that I actually want to grab Corey and scream and cry for him to not make me go, to let me stay.
Sucks.
6.25.2012
Getting Close
I realized earlier that after today (which is now over) I only have 2 days off left in Kingman. Two days left to hang out with Austin, spend time with my family, say goodbye to this life. (I know that last part was a bit overdramatic but I really do feel like I'm leaving one life for another at this point). It just kind of shocked me because I don't feel even remotely ready to leave. At all.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
6.23.2012
On My Mind
I did some more packing today. Which actually makes me kind of impressed with myself.
I just feel kind of blah, I guess. And obviously there's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out. I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change. Do I want him? Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?
Because that's what really bothers me, I think. I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship. And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off. And I can't do the dating thing because of that. I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again. I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me. To me, it doesn't make sense.
But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.
My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff. When will I talk to Corey again? When will I see him again? For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile). But now . . . I don't know. It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it. I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that. I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I don't like not knowing. I want to know what's going to happen. I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.
I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good. It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.
I just feel kind of blah, I guess. And obviously there's a lot on my mind.
Sometimes I wonder why I want this to work out. I wonder if I want it to work out because I actually love Corey and genuinely want to be with him, or because I'm afraid of the change. Do I want him? Or do I just not want to lose something I put so much of myself into?
Because that's what really bothers me, I think. I thought of him as my husband, I considered myself his wife, and we had a very intimate relationship. And I have a very hard time just . . . turning that off. And I can't do the dating thing because of that. I can't start something with someone, end it, and then just do it again. I haven't been in a lot of relationships, and I know that dating around isn't something that really works for me. To me, it doesn't make sense.
But I think Corey and I are good together, and that's why I want it to work.
My biggest fear is what's going to happen after I'm in Flagstaff. When will I talk to Corey again? When will I see him again? For almost 2 years I've spoken to him every day and seen him pretty much every day (minus when we were long distance for awhile). But now . . . I don't know. It feels very up in the air, and I really, really, really don't like it. I worry that it'll be kind of out of sight out of mind and I don't want that. I hope it'll be more along the lines of absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I don't like not knowing. I want to know what's going to happen. I imagine things that I want to happen . . . but really, I don't know.
I still hope things will work out, but I also still know why we need to take this break, and I still think it'll do us some good. It just seems to be getting more and more difficult as the actual leaving part gets harder.
It's Not Fair
Sometimes I feel like this is just not fair.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
It's not fair that Corey gets to keep our life. I feel like I'm not just losing him, I'm also losing a house I really like, bell choir, orchestra, a job/co-workers I like/adore, living close to my family and getting to spend time with my nephew. It sucks. I feel like he gets to break my heart and go on living his life like it's nothing, while I'm the one being thrown into an uncertain and uncomfortable situation.
I do NOT do well with moving. I do NOT do well with staying in strange places. I do NOT do well when I don't have a place that feels distinctly like home to me. And . . . that's exactly where I'm going.
And I wonder how people will act around me and treat me if/when I come back. Like what has Corey already told our mutual friends and his co-workers? What will he tell them while I'm gone? I feel like I'll come back and they'll know him better than I do. Fucking. Sucks.
I know that's not true. I know that this break is as much for Corey to work on himself as it is for me to work on myself. I know that he needs to focus on that, and I have faith that he will be. And I know that I need a break too and that I do actually want this almost as much as he does.
Sigh. I really fucking hate this.
6.22.2012
I Hate This
Earlier I went into the NERD room, and found that Corey had taken all of my stuff out of the closet there and just kind of piled it up for me. Ostensibly he was just trying to help me pack, since I'm leaving in a week, but still, it kinda fucking killed me. It was just kind of a reminder that this is what he wants, and I think that's what makes it difficult: there is still a very big part of me that just cannot believe that this is actually what he wants. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's just . . . over it. And seeing all of my things separated out and piled up like I was nothing was a big, visual reminder that this is what he wants. I think deep down I've always hoped that he'd change his mind and ask me to stay and work it out--I mean, I knew that wasn't going to happen, but still. Subconsciously maybe. But I know that that wouldn't be a solution; I know that if he asked me to stay and I did things would be just like they were before and that . . . would not be good. I still hope and think that my leaving and this space will do us some good but . . . I feel like I'm beginning to believe that less and less.
It's one thing to say, yes, I'm packing, and yes, I'm going to leave. But it's quite another to actually do it and to see it happening. Besides, I had REALLY wanted to pack on my own fucking terms. I was so stressed about it that I wanted to do it without his input and now that's ruined and I'm even more stressed about it. Plus I feel like Corey's rushing me and I don't want that. I don't want to feel like he wants me gone.
But I think he does. I think he really does and more and more my gut feeling is that this is really it. That it's over. That I'm going to leave for Flagstaff and really just not hear from him again. And it makes me miserable. It makes me more miserable than I can say. Seeing our things separated just hurts . . . I remember when we moved in together last year and combined our things, and we were so dorkily excited about it. And now he gets to keep that beautiful life and I get to go back the same shit I had before I met him.
I feel like I got this two year window where I saw what I COULD have if I tired. Where I saw what my life COULD be if I wanted it to be. But I never tried hard enough and now I hate myself for that so. fucking. much. I look at Corey and I just feel like . . . I've lost him.
And he'll move on. He'll find someone else, and he'll treat her just as well as he treated me, only she won't be a fucking psycho. I imagine him bringing her here and her sitting on this couch and sleeping next to him in our bed and I . . . well, I kinda want to die. I won't lie.
It's one thing to say, yes, I'm packing, and yes, I'm going to leave. But it's quite another to actually do it and to see it happening. Besides, I had REALLY wanted to pack on my own fucking terms. I was so stressed about it that I wanted to do it without his input and now that's ruined and I'm even more stressed about it. Plus I feel like Corey's rushing me and I don't want that. I don't want to feel like he wants me gone.
But I think he does. I think he really does and more and more my gut feeling is that this is really it. That it's over. That I'm going to leave for Flagstaff and really just not hear from him again. And it makes me miserable. It makes me more miserable than I can say. Seeing our things separated just hurts . . . I remember when we moved in together last year and combined our things, and we were so dorkily excited about it. And now he gets to keep that beautiful life and I get to go back the same shit I had before I met him.
I feel like I got this two year window where I saw what I COULD have if I tired. Where I saw what my life COULD be if I wanted it to be. But I never tried hard enough and now I hate myself for that so. fucking. much. I look at Corey and I just feel like . . . I've lost him.
And he'll move on. He'll find someone else, and he'll treat her just as well as he treated me, only she won't be a fucking psycho. I imagine him bringing her here and her sitting on this couch and sleeping next to him in our bed and I . . . well, I kinda want to die. I won't lie.
6.21.2012
Just So Strange
I've been working on packing (I've packed a few boxes and am sort of trying to organize the rest of what I need to pack kinda thing) and it's just got me thinking.
Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment. And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be. What the hell do you say to someone in that situation? I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles. But still, it feels like it could be awkward. At the very least it'll be weird.
Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out. I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate. And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him. Y'know? It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past. How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?
I know this isn't that big of a deal. If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head. We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter. I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.
The thing is, I'm excited for this. I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey. Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now. I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship. But more on that later.
For now, it's bed time!
Corey is going to drive me to Flagstaff and help me move in to Jerbs' apartment. And it just occurred to me how strange that trip is going to be. What the hell do you say to someone in that situation? I mean, Corey and I are doing ok and right now we're in a decent place with each other (affectionate, caring, etc) and I don't think that'll magically disappear over those 142 miles. But still, it feels like it could be awkward. At the very least it'll be weird.
Another weird thing is how I think it'll feel if we work things out. I think the best thing to do if we decided to try again would be to just kind of start fresh, or at least with a clean slate. And I was just thinking it'll be very strange to introduce him as my boyfriend when I've already lived with him and shared a life with him. Y'know? It's just strange because we already have a history together, we already have a past. How do you start over with someone you've already been so intimate with?
I know this isn't that big of a deal. If we get back together it won't be so much starting over as coming back to the relationship with a clean slate and a clear head. We'll come back and all of that good history will still be there, all of those beautiful pieces of our past, but our future will look a lot brighter. I'm not saying we'll totally forget about the bad things but we'll be able to put the past behind us; we'll be able to look at the good parts of the past and be happy about them, but we'll be able to leave the bad things behind enough so that we can be happy together in the present.
The thing is, I'm excited for this. I'm excited for the eventual opportunity to start a little fresher with Corey. Sometimes I think how excited I am is what's making me anxious and miserable, because I just want that, and I want it now. I think this will get me to a place where I can be the person I always wanted to be within the relationship. But more on that later.
For now, it's bed time!
6.19.2012
My Decisions
So once it was established that I needed to move out, I decided to go back to Flagstaff and live with Jerbs.
A lot of people have taken issue with this, but I really do think it's the best option.
If I were to stay in Kingman, I would most likely have to go stay with my sister. She lives out in Rancho, I don't have a car, and the bus system doesn't run out there. I won't have a car in Flagstaff either, but Flag has a great bus system that I know how to use. I feel like I can be more independent up there, whereas here, I'd constantly have to be making transportation arrangements and I hate feeling like I'm being a burden. Plus, I have a job and roommate waiting for me in Flagstaff, so moving up there really isn't a lot of work for me.
I also kind of feel like, at this point, the more space the better for Corey and me. If I stay here, I'll see him regularly (orchestra, bells). And I just don't want it to be awkward, because right now, Corey's fairly affectionate with me at home, but around other people, not as much. And it's not something I want to put myself through. Plus I feel like if I just moved out and went to my sister's and was close by, it would be easier to give in to loneliness--in other words, it would be easier to just move back in with him if he missed me, or spend the night with him if he was lonely, or call him and ask him to come over if I was lonely. We need some actual, real space from each other, and this is the best way to do it. I'm not a huge fan of leaving, and I'll miss a lot of things--my family (esp. my nephew), my co-workers, this house, bells, orchestra. And of course Corey. But I really do think it's better this way, because I've seen what happens when we say we need space and don't give it to each other.
About a year ago, Corey and I broke up. It was a lot of the same things but after about a week, he confessed his love for me and we basically got back together. And I was ecstatic, and I never did any of the things I said I'd do in the course of the breakup (like committing myself to my treatment). This is what we should have done a year ago.
So I'm going to take some time for myself. I'm going to try to remember who I am, I'm going to treat the bipolar, I'm going to dedicate myself to myself. I'm going to become the person I want to be: a healthy, happy, independent woman who knows how to live her life. That's what I've wanted since I very first got sick, and that's what I've never been able to do. While I do want things to work out with Corey, I am not getting better for him or because he told me I had to. I want to get better because I want to like my life, and I want to like myself. At this point I've lost enough time to being miserable.
And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.
And hopefully, at some point down the road, Corey and I will be able to begin our relationship again with a clean slate.
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