Christmas 2015

Christmas was lovely this year.

I had to work on Christmas Eve (lame), but MHC closed at noon, so as soon as I was off, Jerbs and I loaded the car, made a quick caffeine/donut stop, and got on the road.  All week we'd been hearing it was going to snow and we didn't want to get stuck in any kind of storm on the highway, so we were in a little bit of hurry, but we encountered exactly no snow on the trip.  Once we got to Kingman we went to my mom's and visited with her and Jillian for a bit, then I took Jerbs to her house and said hello to/exchanged Christmas gifts with her parents.  Then I headed over to my sister's house and convinced Austin to help me bring in all the Christmas gifts from my car, which was entertaining.  One thing I want to remember--Austin got this Crayola art kit for Christmas (I think from his Elf on the Shelf?) and he had gotten it out to show me and he left it on the coffee table.  My sister asked him why it was out, and he snapped at her, "I was showing it to Auntica, cuz me and Auntica like art!"  It was so funny, and it makes me so happy that Austin associates me with art in his head.

This year we skipped our tradition of going out to look at Christmas lights again, which just helped prove my theory that our Christmases are far more peaceful when we don't spend any time squished in a car together.  We all just hung out at my sister's and drank wine (well, my sister and I drank wine, and at one point, my mom accusingly asked Jenny, "Did you give your older sister wine??" and it just cracks me up that that's the dynamic of our family--the younger sister being the corrupter and the older sister being the nerd).  We did our one gift on Christmas Eve thing, and Austin gave everyone the gifts he got them at the Secret Santa gift shop at his school, and he apparently forgot about me and didn't get me something (thanks, Saucy).  It was pretty funny when he realized it, and in typical Austin fashion, he didn't feel bad, he just got a little sheepish and then cracked up.  (I honestly don't care one bit that he forgot, for the record).

After we hung out for awhile, my mom and Jill left and I took my dad home, then went and got dinner for Jenny, me, and Austin.  We had In-N-Out, which was awesome.  Austin kept asking if he could open this one gift I got him because he knew it was a book (I always get him a book) and he really wanted to know what it was, so we let him.  The book is 1,000 Jokes for Kids, and as soon as he read the title, he opened it up and said, "OK, guys, joke number one," and my sister just looked at me and was like good job, here we go.  It was freaking hilarious, probably in a you had to be there way, but man we cracked up.  I'm seriously impressed at how well Austin is reading, and I'm glad he liked his book.  He really did tell us jokes all night, too.  Eventually we decided to go look at some Christmas lights; up by my mom's old house there's a wealthy/well known family who always decorates their house really extravagantly for Christmas, and this year they synchronized the light show to music (Wizards in Winter by TSO and that one Christmas song that Alvin and the Chipmunks sing) so we went to see it.  It actually was pretty impressive.  Someone was flying a drone over the lights and Austin thought it was Santa and had a little meltdown about getting home and going to bed haha.  But my sister and I got nostalgic and remembered how when we were kids, the lights on the courthouse downtown would spell out the word "NOEL" across the columns on the building (4 columns, one letter on each column), and we decided to drive down there and see if they still do that.  And sadly, they don't, there's just a swirly thing of lights on each column now, which was more disappointing than you'd think.  But it was still a nice moment with my sister and I'm glad for that.

By then Austin was asleep in the back seat so we headed home and put him to bed, then put out all of his Santa gifts and did the whole milk and cookies thing.  I wrote his Santa letter and then I headed to a motel.

So yeah, this year I decided that instead of staying with my sister, I wanted to stay in a motel by myself.  I love my sister, and I love Austin, but as a Christmas gift to myself, I wanted a night completely alone (no pets, no roommate, no noise) in a big bed all by myself.  I explained that all to Austin and he was pretty whatever about it, so I didn't feel too bad.  And it was so worth it, I legit slept for like 12 hours.  (Minus the part where I woke up at 5 AM to cramps and my period starting out of NOWHERE.  I had no tampons or ibuprofen with me so I had to get dressed (ish, I really just threw on a shirt and pants and put my hair in a pony tail) and run to the gas station up the street.  That was freaking lovely.  But the older guy who checked me out still wished me a Merry Christmas!)  I went back to bed when I got back to my room but I'd rather not have had to deal with that unpleasantness.

Christmas day I went to my sister's and Austin showed me all the stuff he got from Santa.  My sister made buffalo chicken dip which I freaking LOVE, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out, eating that, watching Austin play with all his new stuff, and watching cheesy Christmas romance movies on the Hallmark channel.  Which is super corny, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year!  I went and picked my dad up for dinner, my mom and Jill came over, and we opened presents.  I seriously got spoiled this year.  After presents we had dinner, and then I decided to stay another night in Kingman instead of going home on Christmas.  (Jerbs and I have had to come back on Christmas the past few years because one of us is usually working the day after, which happily wasn't the case this year).  That night I crashed at my sister's.

The day after Christmas we headed back to Flag, fully expecting snow on the ground when we got here, and there WASN'T ANY, which was actually kind of disappointing after hearing that we'd get snow for almost a whole week before.

Today I was off from work (I electively took it off, which I forgot about until like a week ago, and only remembered because a co-worker said something about it), so I drove down to Sedona and spent the afternoon with Jenna and Theresa.  They've been spending some holiday time in Phoenix with Theresa's family so they drove up.  It was fantastic, I love Sedona and we went to some great Sedona places, like the fudge shop and the cool candle store.  (I'm sure those businesses actually have names but I have no idea what they are).  It was so nice to see them, and I'm really glad we got to spend some time together.  It sucks having a BFF that lives so far away.

Anyway, I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'm excited for the New Year later this week!

Christmas Cheer

Here are some random things that have made me happy so far this holiday season.

This hedgehog:

He's a present from my boss, who lives in Florida.  She sent a box to the clinic with a little present for everyone in our department, it was so sweet!  She really did an awesome job picking something that fit each person's personality/interests, which is impressive.  I just love my boss, and I'm so excited and touched that she remembered my hedgehog obsession!  I have 3 of them in my office now.

*****

These decorations at work:

The people in Pod 3 put up some festive and cardiology appropriate decorations around their offices and exam rooms.  I rarely go to Pod 3 but I had to last week to talk to a co-worker, and I came across this.  It made me happy so I had to get a pic.

*****

My new wreath:

I wanted to make a new wreath this year, and this is what I came up with.  I wanted something that was simple and kind of rustic/outdoorsy, festive in an understated, elegant way, and I think I accomplished that.  I got the wreath form at JoAnn's and the poinsettias at Michael's.  I love how it turned out!  It looks so nice on our door.  We put red and white lights around the door too, and it really complemented the wreath nicely.

*****

And that brings me to our Christmas lights!  We put up lights on our porch this year--around the front door, around our window, and along the railing.  It's all very festive.  Unfortunately, I can't get a good picture because of the 2 gigantic pine trees in front of our apartment.  I kind of wish we'd thought of that beforehand because all the work feels a little pointless knowing that our lights pretty much can't be seen.  But we have lights and that's exciting!  And we know they're there.  I did briefly consider trying to climb one of the trees to get a picture, but Jerbs shot down that idea pretty quickly (rightfully so, I have to say).

*****

Being rewarded for our generosity.  The week before Thanksgiving, we got a flyer on our door saying that the office was having a food drive, and that anyone who donated had a chance to win a Target gift card.  I didn't really care about winning, but I wanted to help, so Jerbs and I went out and bought a bunch of canned food and donated it.  Like I said, this was back before Thanksgiving, and I'd honestly kind of forgotten about it.  But today when I got home, there was a Christmas card on our door with a $50 Target gift card and a note from the office thanking us for our donations, and saying that we had donated the most of anyone across all 3 complexes in our little group.  I was so happy!  It's nice to feel like we did something to help AND have been rewarded for it.  It was a very pleasant surprise.

*****

I've also been to a Christmas party for each of my jobs this past week, so that was fun.  The SHAF one was at a Mexican restaurant (Salsa Brava), and I hadn't eaten there in years so it was nice to have a reason to.  We had a raffle for Christmas stockings and got to take home the leftover food, so win win!  I remember that last year I was sick when the SHAF Christmas party happened and didn't get to go, so I was really happy to get to this year.  I don't spend a lot of time with my SHAF co-workers and it was nice to get to.  I didn't realize there were so many SHAF employees to be honest, because I only see a few of them on a regular basis.  The MHC party was last Thursday and it was also a lot of fun.  Last year, only like 15 people came to that one, and this year, most of the staff was there, which definitely made it more fun.  Our white elephant gift exchange was waaaay more entertaining with almost 50 gifts instead of just 15.  (Sadly, I didn't end up with anything good this year).  I really love both of my work families, and am glad to have 2 good jobs with so many good people.

*****

Now I'm just looking forward to going home for Christmas!  Jerbs and I are heading down to Kingman as soon as I'm out of work on Christmas Eve, and I can't wait!

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

Christmas 2013

Oh, Christmas.  I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year.  I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again.  I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.

Mostly the petty arguing.  There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers.  Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know?  But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.

On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked.  I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early.  Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended.  We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe.  Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc.  (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin!  He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious).  After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her.  (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much).  It was fun, though.  It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together.  It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.

Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house.  That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights.  We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun.  There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.

After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition).  Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box.  This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy.  Like, his face fell.  It was upsetting.  Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes.  I mean, I know he's only 5 but still.  A little disheartening.

After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter.  When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc.  I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.

Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas.  He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet.  I just . . . I don't even really know how to say.  I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning.  He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know.  To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old.  I don't like it.  I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still.  I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas.  We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had.  And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees.  Austin's getting none of that.  No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys.  It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.  

But that's just me.  I'm not his mother.  And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.

He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.

After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night.  I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!

My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts.  I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like.  My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.

Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something.  He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling.  I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson.  I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.

It was nice to get home.  Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax.  I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.  

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today.  At all.  Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk.  Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk.  So I was a little off all day long.

But.  All in all I'd say this year was better than last year.  It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama.  It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year.  It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.

And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there.  I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him.  I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice.  I'm grateful that I got that.  I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days.  But that's for another post.

Goodnight!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like . . .

Christmas.  And misery.

Seriously, the closer we get to the holiday the worse my mood gets.  I'm angry and sad and anxious and just generally not feeling so hot.

Sometimes I start to look forward to going home and spending the holidays with my family.  But it's off and on, it comes and goes.

I don't want to spend the holiday alone.  I've talked about why it's hard before.  I just . . . I don't know.  This is the time of the year I least want to be single and that I most want things to work out with my ex.  And it's so fucking stupid.  It's been almost two fucking years now . . . wake the hell up and take a hint, Ica.

I feel like such a moron.

I want to stay here for Christmas.  I want to take some Remeron and just sleep through it.  Wake up after the new year, when it doesn't matter as much that I've got nobody.  Just get through it and have 11 months of being OK before I have to do this shit again.

Edit:  After I finished this post my sister texted me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and Austin, because they came up here after doing the Polar Express in Williams.  And let me tell you, Austin makes everything better.

Christmas Crafts

These are the ornaments I made for my family/friends for Christmas this year.  Each one (except the mittens) has '12 or 2012 embroidered on the back, so they're sort of commemorative.

Candy canes for Shannon and Tamy, a peppermint candy for Jillian.
A snowman for Austin.
A stocking for Jenny and a Steelers stocking for my dad.

A wreath for my mom (the red one).
A wreath for Jerbs' parents (the white one).
Dog bones for Dolce (my sister's dog), Olaf (Jerbs' parents' dog),
and Ringo and Bella, the Flicks' dogs.

Mittens for Christina and Duane, who got married this past June.
Mittens for Betsy and Brant (aka the Flicks) who got married in Feb. 2011.
Mittens for Theresa and Jenna, who will hopefully get married someday.
The mittens are joined by ribbon and meant to be draped over a Christmas tree branch.
Clever, no?

Next year I plan to do even bigger and better homemade gifts.

Christmas 2012: Family Fun, Why Murphy's Law Should Be Called Jessica's Law, and I Did Something Sort Of Illegal

Oh, Christmas.  Where should I start?

Well, my travel plans ended up working out at the last minute.  My mom bought me a round trip bus ticket, so I traveled to Kingman on Christmas Eve, and planned to come back to Flag the day after Christmas.  It wasn't ideal, because Jerbs and Benji didn't get to come, but still, I was glad to get to go.

Christmas Eve, after my mom and sister (Jill) picked me up at the bus station, we went straight to Jenny's house.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  He screamed my name and threw his arms around my legs and said, "I've been missin' you Auntica!"  Too precious.  We ate dinner and then we did our family gift exchange, since my sister was working on Christmas day.  It was fun, and I got more than I felt I deserved, and I am grateful for a family that loves me.  I think the best part of the entire gift opening, though, was when my dad opened a present from Austin, and it was Austin's Power Rangers Samurai sword that he plays with ALL the time.  The WTF? look on my dad's face was beyond priceless, and my sister was cracking up and explained that Austin had absolutely insisted that that be a gift for my dad.  As Austin said, it was for next time he comes over to my dad's house.  Hilarious.

My sisters and I and Austin went to look at Christmas lights, and Austin was still awake when we got back to his house.  I read him 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (so fun) and once he was asleep we played Santa and put all of his gifts under the tree.  The big one was a Hot Wheels ride on quad.  When my sisters and I were kids, "Santa" always left us a note next to the empty cookie plate, so I wrote Austin a note from Santa. I loved doing that part, because I wanted to carry on that tradition a little bit.

My sister woke up at 4:30 AM to do presents (since she had to work at 7) and Austin was ecstatic.  He loved everything he got, especially the quad, and within 5 minutes he was riding it around the house.  It was fun to see him so happy.  Jill and I spent the day with Austin, and it was pretty much just watching him ride around on his quad.  He really loves that thing, and he was especially excited when he figured out how to make it go backwards.  He kept telling us, "It has versery to make it go backwards!"  

So Christmas night I got my stuff all packed and ready to go, and the morning after Christmas my mom picked me up to take me to the bus.  There were some small errands to run first, and with about 20 minutes until my bus left I realized I had left my ticket at my sister's house.  (I am a genius).  I tried to reprint it at my mom's but apparently when Greyhound says they'll email you a copy of the ticket for "just in case" situations, what they really mean is that it's available for 15 minutes after you buy it.  So I was stuck in Kingman until a solution could be figured out.  We picked Austin up from daycare early and I spent the day baby sitting him (which is pretty much always awesome).  That at least was a good thing--more time with the little munchkin.

Plan B for getting home was to see if I could just change the time on my return ticket or get a refund and buy a new one.  No on both of those.  Plan C was to have my sister drive me up on the 27th when she took Austin's to his dad--but she didn't want to do that.  At that point I was really ready to get home so plan D was to buy an online ticket for the 12:30AM bus and leave that night.  But for whatever reason online purchasing wasn't available for that trip.  Plan E was to buy by phone, but the guy at the service center (out of Mumbai) insisted that the only Kingman serviced by Greyhound was Kingman, KS . . . so that didn't go well.  Finally, Jerbs talked to the guy at the Flag bus station, who said that I could get on the bus in Kingman and give the driver my ID and just pay for the ticket once I got to Flag--aka, Plan F.  I wasn't too happy with Plan F because it meant using my Christmas money for another bus ticket but I wanted to get home.

So my sister took me to the station and waited with me until the bus arrived (45 minutes late).  Once she left and they were boarding, I tried to give the driver my ID but he wouldn't take it . . . he just let me on the bus and told me to pay when I got to Flagstaff.  I was like, that's responsible.

And here's where the law breaking comes in.  I called for a cab when I was about 10 minutes out of town and when I got to the station, by the time I was off the bus with all my stuff I only ended up waiting about 30 seconds for my cab (and another cab from the same company who was there picking someone up let me wait in his car).  Once my cab was there I jumped in and was like let's go.  So yep, I skipped out on paying for my bus ride home.  

I honestly don't feel too bad about it, because I had a round trip ticket to begin with.  Two trips were paid for, two trips were taken, so it balances out.  And really, if they just let people on the bus without doing something to ensure that they pay . . . well, not my fault.  So I only kind of did something illegal.

All in all, it was a good visit home, and Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I'd expected it to be.  I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about Corey at all, but I most definitely wasn't dwelling on it.  I just enjoyed getting to see my family and Austin.  The end of the trip, obviously, was very stressful, but it worked out better than expected in the end.

And really, all that stress was worth it to see this handsome dude.

Despite having had a better Christmas than expected, and despite not being as depressed as I'd thought I'd be, I'm relieved the holidays are over, and that I have a whole year to prepare for the next holiday season.

Just An Update

Four days until Christmas, and I still have zero holiday spirit.  I'm trying, I really am, but even with all the Corey crap aside, it just doesn't feel like the holidays this year.  I've got all my little ornaments ready to be given out and travel plans are somewhat finalized (so I get to go home, yay!) but . . . somehow it's all just making me anxious.  I think I know why (aside from what I've already said) and I need to vent about it but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it here yet.  I'm looking forward to going home but I'm also dreading it, just because there's so much to do before I leave and it stresses me out.  I also just kind of don't like being away from home, and right now, Jerbs' place is the closest thing to home I have, y'know?  But I'm sure it'll be fine. I feel like I'm kind of taking this year off.  I feel like next year at Christmas time I will definitely be more stable than I am now so I'll see how I feel about the holidays then.  Maybe that Christmas magic will come back, maybe it won't; maybe I'll be with him, maybe I won't.  Either way, I'll be in a more defined place than I am now.  If I get back into the Christmas spirit, I plan on starting over--saving the most sentimental/meaningful ornaments and stuff in my (extensive) Christmas collection and donating the rest, just so that it's all MINE, not things I shared with him.  Even if he and I do get back together, I want to start over.  Keep nothing except the sentimental stuff from that bad part of our relationship.
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Last Friday (the 14th) my college BFF Theresa graduated college.  It was a very exciting day because she's basically been working towards her degree for 8 years (we started college the same year/semester).  Jerbs and I didn't get to see her after graduation but tonight we went out to dinner with her.  It was nice to see her, and we went to a restaurant Jerbs and I had never been to (which was delicious, BTW).  I love Theresa, and I'm so glad she's graduated and in a good relationship . . . in the almost decade we've known each other I've seen her go through a lot and I want nothing but happiness for her.  In a little more than a week she is moving to Salt Lake City, Utah, with her girlfriend, and I couldn't be happier for her.  (Plus . . . excuse to go to Utah and explore a little!!)  I'll probably write more about her graduation and stuff later.
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Things could be looking up in the employment area.  I'm not saying more until I know for sure but . . . please keep your fingers crossed for me!
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I bought new pants the other night (well, I bought half of them, Jerbs bought the other half) and I had to buy a size smaller than I expected.  That was a pleasant experience.  However, the downside was that the "short" pants (because I have tiny little midget legs) were actually a little too long for me.  How freaking sad is that???  I like being short but I wish my legs were a teeny bit longer.  Jerbs and I are the same height but her inseam is something like 4 inches longer than mine.
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**EDIT**
Travel plans ended up falling through so it looks like I'll be stuck in Flag for Christmas this year.

Christmas Stings

I know that the reason I'm in such a down swing right now is because of the holidays.  I was doing fine while the weather was mild but now we've been getting snow and winter storms and even though it's beautiful, it's made it feel like Christmas.

I love Christmas.  I can only remember one other year when I wasn't looking forward to it.  Normally, 6 days before Christmas, my tree and decorations have been up for a month, my cards are sent, my shopping is finished and beautifully wrapped, my travel plans are made, and I'm full of giddy excitement.  Y'know how you felt about Christmas day as a kid?  That excited anticipation that nothing could really bring down?  That's how I've always felt.

<<After this point this is a sappy entry about Corey and me, so if you're sick of hearing it, stop now.>>

It hurts because of Corey.  It's so lame to say that but it's true.

Because I have always loved everything about Christmas, one of the things I imagined when I daydreamed about the love of my life was sharing that.  Sharing the holidays together.  That was so important to me.  I loved Jerbs but she's not really into Christmas, and because her parents didn't know about us, we were never really able to spend a holiday together.  Then I met Corey, and he loved Christmas as much as I do, and it was amazing.  I loved being with someone who was just as excited for the holidays as I was.  It meant so much to me.

Last year on the last day of school before winter break I took a bunch of goodies to Corey's class and stuck around for their little Christmas party.  It was adorable.  Then we drove to Chinle for the holidays.  I had never spent a Christmas away from my family but I was excited to spend it with my almost in-laws.  We stayed with Corey's parents and were allowed to share one of the guest bedrooms, which was a big deal because normally, it was separate rooms til marriage.  On Christmas Eve we went to the candlelight service at their church and when we got home, Corey pulled me aside and told me I was beautiful and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me.

We woke up together on Christmas morning.  I remember rolling over to find him already awake, and the first thing he said was Merry Christmas.  And I don't care how cheesy it sounds but I felt like that one moment that morning was everything I had ever wanted.  Everything I'd hoped for and daydreamed about and I believed so completely then that that was my forever.  That every Christmas morning would be like that.  I didn't doubt it then.  And then exactly 5 months later he told me he didn't want to marry me.

So this year, Christmas looks bleak.  I haven't put up a single decoration.  I didn't buy a tree.  I avoid the Christmas sections at any stores we go to like the plague.  Christmas music--especially Christmas love songs--aggravate me.  It took a lot just to buy Christmas cards and make the little felt ornaments for my loved ones.  I don't see this resolving.  I think that for me the magic is going to be gone from Christmas now. And I don't mind that.  If I can't be as happy on Christmas as I was last year then I don't really care about Christmas, y'know?

On Christmas Eve 2009 I was a mess.  I'd lost my job recently and was very, very mentally ill, and I wrote a suicide note.  On Christmas Eve.  That year I hated Christmas; I didn't even want to go home to Kingman to see my family.  I just wanted it to all be over.  And I hated that I felt that way because it was so unlike me.  The following year I had just started dating Corey and even though we weren't physically together that Christmas, it was still a pleasant change.  And I was glad that I could have a good Christmas after that.

To top everything off, I don't know if I'm going to get to go home for Christmas.  That's all I want.  All I want this year is to be with my family.  To see Austin.  I feel like every single other thing in my life is a freaking disaster right now, I should at least be able to have that, right?  (It doesn't help thinking of Corey driving to Chinle to be with his family . . . because his life has gone one perfectly without me while I've suffered, and why would he care that I'm doing so badly if he's fine?).