Final Passed, CPC Course Finished

I passed my class final with a 90 and averaged an 88 in the class.  I'm really really happy with that score.

Now I just have to prepare for the exam and hopefully pass that!

And So It Goes

I feel like my life goes like this: nothing going on nothing going on nothing going on FIFTY THINGS GOING ON AT ONCE.

Right now I just feel a little overwhelmed.

MHC--Is busier than ever.  I have more job duties than ever, which is fine, but I'm honestly feeling a little . . . burnt out, I guess.  It's just getting a little monotonous, same thing day after day after day, to the point that some days I just genuinely don't want to be there.  A couple of co-workers are just on my last nerve too and that's frustrating.  Not for any new reasons either, just the same issues over and over and over again that no one seems to want to address and fix.  I mean, overall I'm still really happy at my job, I think it's just some burn out.

SHAF--Is still behind, and I have zero desire to get it caught up.  I'm going to, but it takes a lot of effort on my part.  We just get busier and busier there, and between my full time job and the non-work stuff I have going on, I just don't have the time I should to do my second job.  I like working there and the money helps so much, but I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do it.  And Theresa's wedding is at the beginning of October, and I'm pretty much going to be in SLC the whole first week of the month, which is during SHAF's billing cycle, and I don't even know how to tell my boss that.  She's not going to be happy.  Honestly, if it came down to it, I'd just quit.  I mean, I'm already thinking about it anyway, and if it came down to choosing between that job and the wedding, believe me, there is no contest.  But we'll see.

CPC Course--I'm actually finished with all the chapter work for the course, which is awesome.  I just have to take the final now.  I actually already took it once, last night, and got a 69% . . . and you need a 70% to pass the class.  Missed it by a freaking point!  Fortunately you get two tries, so now I have to re-take it.  I just have to be finished before September first, so I don't have to pay the extension fee (you have 6 months to take the class, and my 6 months are up at the end of August).  And yes, I realize that September first is the day after tomorrow at this point.  Once the class is finished I take the actual certification test, and that's on September 26th.  I need to pass with a 70% to get my certification, and I'm really really really really really hoping to do it on the first try.  The test is actually an in person proctored exam, so that'll be fun.

Aside from that . . . I finally got my oil changed Friday after going a shameful amount of miles without one.  My check engine light came on on Thursday and as soon as it did I realized I hadn't changed my oil in over a year.  (Good job, adult Ica).  The light went off as soon as the oil was changed, so now I'm just kinda praying that my engine continues to run correctly.

Dogs, cats, and Jerbs are all fine and dandy.

I'm going to SLC next weekend for Theresa and Jenna's joint bridal shower, and I'm SO excited about it!

Move In Day Nostalgia

Today was move in day at NAU.

It was an overcast day with a few thunderstorms (AKA perfect), and I found myself thinking about how much college me would have loved a move in day like this.  Coming back up the mountain to rain after a hot summer in Kingman would have made me so very happy.

Back then move in day was my absolute favorite, because I was always so glad to come back up to Flagstaff and be back in school and see all my friends.  And I knew that a beautiful fall was right around the corner, so it was always just a happy time for me.  (Now I hate move in day, because I much prefer living in Flagstaff when it's not crawling with douche bag college kids, but I digress).

Earlier this week, I went on a Dunkin' Donuts run in the afternoon, and there were some flag line girls practicing in the parking lot next to DD (DD is right by campus, so they were in the parking lot of what I think is Disability Services . . . that's what it was when I was in school, anyhow).  It definitely made me nostalgic for marching band and football games.

Add all of this to the fact that I've been reading through my old LiveJournal, which encompasses my whole college experience, and it's just been a nostalgic kind of week.

As much fun as it is to look back on my college days here in Flagstaff, it also helps me to really understand why I want to leave Flagstaff, but that's for another time and another entry.

A Rough Week

Let me tell you about the time I had a mental breakdown because of air freshener.

So first, some background: I spray air freshener in my bedroom every night before I go to bed.  I like to smell something soothing while I'm falling asleep, and those better sleep tips almost always include having a scent you associate with sleep and spraying it at night.  I used to use the pillow spray they sell at Bath and Body Works, but it's really expensive for how small the bottles are; then I switched to Febreze's night time line but that's disappeared from the stores, so now I just spray air freshener.  I usually use a lavender/vanilla Febreze, but if the store's out of that I'll just buy whatever.

So this past Sunday Jerbs and I went shopping, and they didn't have the lavender stuff.  But they did have this Febreze kind called Pumpkin Bliss, and even though I think it's a little too early for fall stuff, I got excited and bought it.

That night, I got ready for bed like always and sprayed my new air freshener.  It smelled really good and very fall-y, and I thought it would definitely help me sleep.  I was very, very wrong.

While I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I started to think that this pumpkin air freshener smelled familiar, like it was making me think of something.  I realized that it smelled EXACTLY like this pumpkin air freshener Jerbs and I got at Bath and Body Works way back in 2009, when we first moved to the complex we live in now, when we got our 2 bedroom place after we broke up.  We put that air freshener in our living room, and I guess I associated that smell with that place.  And smelling it again just took me right back to that time in 2009, when the break up was still really raw and I was struggling with having moved but at the same time hopeful that the move would be a new start for me.

And it was all just overwhelming.  In a way that I can't even really explain.  But I suddenly found myself feeling so nostalgic for that time, when I was younger and before I got really sick and when I had my own space and potential, and I got sad thinking about how little I've accomplished since then, and how much better that time was (in some ways), and I felt guilty about everything I've put Jerbs through since then and how nice she's been to me, and then I thought about how it was my meeting Corey that put an end to that era and I got sad and bitter about that.  And all of those feelings inevitably lead to thinking about how behind I feel in life, and how I feel like I haven't reached my true potential, and how that is entirely because of being bipolar.  So I just laid in bed and cried my eyes out for a couple hours; I eventually fell asleep but I didn't sleep well, so Monday morning was not pleasant.

I almost faked sick and asked to leave early, but instead I requested Friday (today) off, just because I needed a mental health day.  Thankfully it got approved, so I got to just chill at home and relax today, which was nice.  And Jerbs bought me dinner at Beaver Street Brewery, which is a good solution for most problems.

Anyway, I survived Monday, but on Tuesday I was still just in a funk.  Then Wednesday my period started, which helped exactly NOTHING.  I felt like crap yesterday too.  I seriously didn't work out all week, I didn't even try to eat decently, I was just . . . out of it.  Depressed and angry and just out of it.  It sucked.

But today I got to just chill at home and hang out with Jerbs, and that helped a LOT.  Jerbs bought me dinner at Beaver Street Brewery too, which is always great.

I'm feeling better now, but I still feel like I just have a lot on my mind.  I've just been thinking a lot about my life lately, about what I haven't done and what I want to do, and I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but . . . I think a combination of still being in mental health recovery and having turned 30 contribute to that kind of thinking.

Right now, though, life is good.  I like my job.  I'm OK financially.  I'm more engaged than I've ever been.  I'm almost finished with my CPC class.  My BFF is getting married in 2 months and I get to be a part of that, and after the wedding is Halloween and fall and Christmas and all my other favorite things so . . . I really can't complain.

There are just times when I really think about how much of my life this BS mental illness has caused me to miss, and it seems so colossally unfair that I can't shake it.

But I can't do anything about that now, so the next best thing is to just make the most of every single second from here on out.