2014: A Year In Review

I feel like every year, on New Year's Eve, I say, "I can't believe the year is over, it feels like it just flew by."  And tonight is no exception, but I feel like tonight, I mean it more sincerely then ever before.  I feel like it can't possibly have been a whole year ago that I wrote this post about 2013.  I honestly think that's one of the reasons I've felt off the past few weeks--because the year has just gone by so freaking fast!  It's actually kind of disappointing, because I look back and feel like I didn't enjoy it enough, like I didn't engage enough, like I missed out on a lot, like the year went by too quickly and now I'm kicking myself for not taking more advantage of it.  Maybe that's weird, but it's definitely how I feel.  At the same time, I think that maybe this is just how the passage of time feels when you're just living, and there isn't this grand overarching struggle that you're trying to overcome.

Because really, the past few years have come with built in challenges and really, really specific goals.  2011 was the start of my attempt at mental health, and in 2012 I got my heart broken and had to get over a break up and figure out who I was after my engagement ended, and and 2013 was a re-commitment to mental health.  Those were definitive things that were wrong, and I overcame them, and so those years just felt like successes.  Especially 2013, which is the year I really got my shit together, the year I really started to excel.  But 2014 . . . well, 2014 was really just about maintaining that level of success and health.  It's the first year of my adult life that's ever been about maintaining, and just living.  And I think maybe that concept was more of an adjustment than I'd realized, because it honestly wasn't something I thought about being an issue.  In the past, I was always just focused on getting mentally healthy, and I never thought about what came after.

I don't think 2014 was a particularly great year.  It wasn't particularly bad either, though.

In January I celebrated a full year of working at Mountain Heart, which was a huge milestone for me.  I was so proud of myself for being able to hold down a full time job for a whole year, and for being good at my job and really excelling.  And now, I'm proud that in a couple weeks, I'll celebrate two years there.

In February, I turned 29, which has turned out to be a pretty awkward age for me.  And two weeks after my birthday, I lost Benji.  Hands down, that was the worst part of my year.  No question about it.  I miss Benji every single day, and it's still so strange to me that he's not here.  But I really believe I'll see him again someday, and I also believe that he's in Heaven and watching over me.

In March, I adopted Hollie, and she turned out to be the best decision ever as far as Max was concerned.  She's a great dog in and of herself, but she's made Max a much, much better dog.  Those two are best friends, and that makes me happy.

In April . . . I don't remember much of April, to be honest.  Or May.

In June, I got a second job.  It's been helpful but also stressful, and I don't think I've quite mastered the whole balancing one job against the other, and balancing having two jobs with having a non-work life, so that's something I'll be working on this coming year.  I'm really excited, though, to have my second job, and I'd like to hold onto it for the entire year.

In July, Jerbs and I had a quiet Independence Day.  That was the day I got pulled over and the cop asked me if I was Jerbs' mom . . . not the best moment.  But I got to see my family, which is always nice.

In August, my sister and I did the Climb to Conquer Cancer again, and it was awesome.  That was also the month that I adopted Si'l Vous Plait, my Siamese cat.  He's curled up by my feet right now, and he's just the cutest thing.

In September, I finally started seeing a new psychiatrist, and that was a huge weight off my shoulders.  It's never easy to start over like that, but it's been worth it.

October and November were pretty uneventful.  I did go to the NAU Homecoming game for the first time since 2009, and that was one of my favorite days of the whole year.  Halloween was stressful, but Thanksgiving was nice and quiet and relaxing.

December has been disappointing weather wise.  We had a really mild winter last year, and I was hoping for a less mild one this year, but it was a dry season.  We finally got a decent amount of snow today (it's up to my knees in some spots!), so that's nice, and I kind of like the idea of a snowy new year.  I did really enjoy Christmas, though, and I'm glad I was able to spend it with my family.

And now here we are with only about 20 minutes left in 2014.  It makes me sad, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to 2015.  There are some changes I'm ready to make, and I'm prepared to take my 30's by storm.  I'm going into 2015 healthy and hopeful (second year in a row I can say that, go me!), and I think it will be a good year.  I am ringing it in at home, with Jerbs, because it's way too cold to do anything else.

So good-bye, 2014; you were a decent year of living a grown up life.

Christmas 2014

All in all, I had a lovely Christmas this year.

I spent it in Kingman, with my family, and Jerbs got to come, which is always nice.  In the weeks before Christmas I was unhappy because most of my co-workers took Christmas Eve off, and I didn't want to have to be at work all day and not get to Kingman until late.  Then on the 23rd, our medical director decided that billing didn't need to be there on Christmas Eve, so we all got the day off.  I was beyond thrilled, and knowing I could spend more time at home definitely improved my Christmas spirit.  On Christmas Eve, we slept in a little, then loaded up the car, and were in Kingman by 4 PM.

I got to see my mom's new house, and it's super cute!  It has a huge backyard, and I'm just so glad to see her and my sister and aunt living in a nice place that's got room for all of them.  It makes me happy.  We spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house, and we skipped our usual tradition of driving around to look at Christmas lights and just hung out and ate pizza.  When I told Austin it was Jerbs' birthday, he made her the sweetest little card, it was precious!  I took my parents home, then Jillian and I both spent the night at Jenny's house with Austin.  I read The Night Before Christmas to Austin, and then he was out.  I wrote the letter from Santa (my sister teased me for it taking like 6 drafts, but it's a freaking letter from Santa, it has to be perfect!).  

Christmas morning Austin tore through his Santa gifts (as usual, he was beyond spoiled), and I went back to bed in my sister's room.  That afternoon, I went and had lunch at Golden Corral with Jerbs' family (grandma, her parents, her aunts and uncles . . . it was a huge group).  That was really nice, and it was the first time I'd seen Josh since his car accident back in September; he looked so good, and it was a relief.

We did our family Christmas later that afternoon, since my dad had to work.  It was really, really nice, with no bickering or anything like that.  Everyone loved what I got them, and I got some nice gifts as well.  I honestly didn't want to leave for Flagstaff, but Jerbs had to work yesterday so we had to.  I was hoping to come back to snow, but that didn't happen.  The funniest thing was how happy Hollie was to be home, we let her into the apartment and she went STRAIGHT to her dog bed, curled up, and fell asleep.  She's such a weird dog.

Today I've done absolutely nothing, and it's been glorious.  I'm loving this extra time off from work, it's nice to have a break.

So overall, a good Christmas.  I was worried because of how my visit on Halloween went, but I had a really good time.  I loved seeing my family, and I miss them.  It wasn't perfect; this whole holiday season has stung a little, for the obvious/usual reasons.  I find myself looking forward to the new year, even if it brings me that much closer to being 30.

Better(ish) . . . I Think?

I've felt a little better since my last post.  Maybe not a ton, but enough to notice.  I honestly don't know where that little down swing came from . . . it wasn't menstrual, it wasn't a lack of medication, it was just a random thing.  To be honest, something still feels off, not quite right, but I can't figure out what or why.  So for now, I'm just kind of muddling through, until it either resolves itself or I figure out what's going on and how to fix it.

Thanksgiving was good.  Jerbs and I stayed in Flagstaff and did our dinner from Sprouts, and watched Thanksgiving episodes of TV shows on Netflix.  It was stupidly, frustratingly warm and sunny on Thanksgiving, and that kind of sucked.

Then on Black Friday, my best friend from college, Theresa got engaged!  She and her fiance were in town for a little while, so I got to have dinner with them and a few other of their college friends, and it was so nice!  I am so unbelievably happy for Theresa that I can't even put it into words.  She and her fiance just seem so happy and good together, and it's good to see her so content and thriving.  Seeing them together, and seeing her in such a good place, made me really think about some of the things in my life, and made me want to re-commit to some of the stuff I've been neglecting.

I was sick most of this past week, with a milder version of what I had in October, and that sucked.  I'm finally feeling better, but my head still feels stuffy. 

Other than that I've just been working.  A lot.  I'm still having a bit of a love/hate relationship with my second job.  There are just some aspects of it that make me so uncomfortable . . . mostly calling people and telling them their dues declined.  It's just kind of an unpleasant experience that I put off and avoid as much as I can.  But I don't want to give it up, because the extra money is just so helpful . . . and really, the whole billing cycle thing only takes about the first two weeks out of the month, which isn't so bad.  I can suck it up and deal.

One good thing, though, is that MHC is going to pay for me to get my medical coding certification, which is exciting.  I think it'll be really good for me, mostly in the sense of making me more useful for future jobs, and if I don't have to pay for it, why not?  I should be able to enroll in January, and I'll have my certification by July at the latest.  I'm looking forward to it, even if I'm a little worried about how I'll find time to study with everything else I've got going on.

Right Now

I am just in a funk lately.

Right now, everything just feels broken and empty and I can't figure out why or how to fix it.

I'm at a loss.

My Poor Neglected Little Blog

I find it really hard to believe it's been almost a month since I wrote anything here, especially given how much I used to write, but . . . well, the date on the last entry doesn't lie, so I guess it's really been that long.

I'm just so busy lately.  Having two jobs is pretty time consuming, and it also makes me want to spend my non working time doing absolutely nothing.  (You should see how messy my apartment is right now, it's horrible.  I did clean the bathroom today, though, and I feel like that's a step in the right direction).

There's really not a lot to talk about, though.

Work is work.  This past week was really frustrating at MHC, and I'm hoping that this next week is better.  We're in a billing cycle at SHF right now, so I've been putting in a lot of hours there.  I'm looking forward to wrapping it up this week.

My second appointment with my new doctor went well, and I found out that my Lithium levels hit the therapeutic range on 900 mg a day.  I wasn't expecting that, because before I was on 1200, so it was kind of a pleasant surprise.  I'm hoping it wasn't a random fluke, but I don't get my blood tested again for a couple weeks.  At my last appointment, I was also able to get a prescription for my antidepressant, which was really exciting, because I'd started feeling like I was needing it.  I had to fight a little for it, but it worked out.  (Minus the part where my doctor didn't write a quantity on the Rx, and the pharmacy had to call her like 5 times to work it out).

The weekend before Halloween was the NAU homecoming game, and some college friends (B and her husband, plus another now married couple I went to school with)  came up from Phoenix for it, so I went with them to the game.  It was a freaking blast, and I had so much fun.  And it was a good game, one of the intense nail biter ones where we win at the last possible minute, and I like those ones.  I may or may not have had to apologize to the random lady sitting next to me for yelling in her ear . . . sometimes I forget how excited I get at football games.  It was nice to get out and be social, and nice to see old friends.  The last time I went to a homecoming game was back in 2009, and it was at that game that I was introduced to my ex.  So much nostalgia, for so many things.

Halloween weekend, I went to Kingman, and it was a very frustrating experience.  I love my family, but somehow going home just never goes how I want or expect it to.  I barely got to see Austin, my sister barely spoke to me, and all my parents did when they were around each other was bicker.  I had a good time hanging out with my parents separately, and the little time I did spend with Austin was wonderful, but I came back to Flagstaff sad and frustrated instead of refreshed and recharged.  Going home is just a complicated experience now, for so many reasons.  My parents being divorced, my sister not giving a crap about me being there, and it being the place where I started and destroyed my life with my ex all just make it a little painful.  Again, I love my family, and despite everything, I'm looking forward to going home for Christmas.  But there are times when I feel so isolated from them, and I hate that, because I feel like I'm being punished for having left, for pursuing a life outside of Kingman.  I've felt that since I left for college 11 years ago, but it wasn't as bad before I came back and left again.  And thinking that just brings up all the bitterness of the break up and this thought that if I hadn't screwed up everything with my ex, maybe my relationships with my family would be better too.

It's really pointless to think all that.  What's done is done.  I know my family loves me.  I know I had to leave and be on my own to get better.  Those thoughts are only comforting, like, 75% of the time, though.

I'm sure there's more, but I need to get to bed.

Halloween Nails

Since I was basically immobile all weekend (thank you, URI or whatever), I decided I'd take advantage of having to sit still and do my nails.  I think it was a successful venture.  Glitter acrylic is actually quite a bit easier than I thought.  Obviously I had to a Halloween manicure.

I really like how they turned out, and they've served their purpose in keeping me from biting my nails.

Unrelated to the nails, while I was sick my little Siamese buddy got super cuddly, it was very sweet.

He likes to lean against my legs while he sleeps.

I'm feeling a lot better today, and I actually made it through a whole day at MHC and then an hour at SHF.  Thank goodness!

Sick And Stuff

I've spent my weekend watching TV and taking cold medicine.  It has not been fun.

That sinus infection that's been hanging around for the past few weeks randomly migrated down into my chest.  It literally happened overnight: I went to bed last Wednesday night with my head all stuffy and whatever, and woke up Thursday morning with a nasty cough and some pretty major chest congestion.  I worked a half day, then came home and just rested.  I managed to work on Friday, but I think I'm going to call in tomorrow.  I feel like absolute shit.

Which means I got absolutely nothing done this weekend.  The house needs to be cleaned.  I have laundry to do.  There are a few sewing projects I need to get moving on.

It stresses me out when things start to pile up like that.  Like . . . I've been having mini anxiety attacks about it all day.

Not to mention the thought of missing work stresses me out.

I'm telling myself to calm down, but it's kind of a losing battle.  

Bullet Points

I feel like I think of at least 3 things I want to blog about every single day, and then I just never have the time.  But I want to keep my blog at least semi updated so . . . bullet points.

1.  I cannot freaking believe it's October.  I feel like summer flew by, I feel like this whole year is just flying by.  It's getting cold out, especially at night, and I love it.  It makes it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, though.

2.  I'm having mixed results with the Lithium at the moment.  In ways I feel better, in ways I feel worse.  I've just felt maybe a little more anxious, a little more up, a little more scattered.  It worried me for a couple days, and then Jerbs reminded me that this happened when I first started Lithium, and also all the times I restarted it.  It's kind of crappy, but at the same time, I'm committed to keeping at it until the levels balance and I feel better.

3.  I also think the Lithium's making me tired, which is frustrating.  I've never been one to be able to just suck it up and fight through being tired, and I feel like I've been dragging the past week or so.  This is a new thing, I don't remember being drowsy on Lithium before, so I'm not sure if it's really that or if it's something else (like the change in the weather, having a sinus infection (STILL), or whatever).  Again, it's one of those things that I'm just kind of waiting out, because it might go away once I'm at my therapeutic dose and my body readjusts to having it in my system.  We'll see.

4.  My mom's buying a house!  Which is pretty much the best thing I've heard all year, and I'm really excited for her.

5.  Jerbs and I have pretty much adopted this stray Siamese cat that had been hanging around our porch.  He used to just come in every night for a little while and eat some cat food, then he started spending the night inside in the living room, and now he sleeps with me every night.  He's the cutest cat.

6.  Work has gotten better since my old office mate moved out.  Now I'm sharing my office with the billing department's new hire, and it's just blissfully quiet.  Plus, having the new girl in my office means she comes to me with all of her questions, and it's been kind of cool to see how much I know about my job.  Not that I really thought there was a lot I didn't know, but it's a good feeling to be able to look at something and just know what needs to be done.  I also just found out last week that our CEO is so impressed with the billing department that we're all getting bonuses in the form of giftcards, which is awesome.  It's nice to be appreciated.

7.  I'm really trying to make October a good month fitness/weight loss wise.  Especially since Lithium is known to cause weight gain, and I definitely don't want to get bigger.  

That's all for now.  More to come.  Someday.  When I'm not as tired.

The Appointment

I am really happy to say that my appointment with my new doctor went really, really well.  Better than I was even hoping, which is always a pleasant surprise.

The doctor herself is just great.  We clicked, and I feel like that's really important in psychiatric care.  I clicked with Dr. Wright, but not with Dr. F, and I'm relieved that Dr. C and I connected.  She was very patient, and thorough, and asked questions that really . . . helped highlight the key points of my whole long history with this BS.  Not all doctors know how to do that.  Her practice is really tiny, which I like, because I feel like with fewer patients she can be more invested in each patient.  Her office is in this beautiful old house downtown, with narrow doorways, creaky hardwood floors, and the most amazing built in bookcase I've ever seen.  (I know that the aesthetics of the office really aren't important treatment wise, but I felt like it was worth mentioning).  She only has one employee, who does the billing/scheduling/reception type stuff, and she's also super nice.  It's just a very calm space overall.  It's also a pretty old fashioned kind of practice: they're all paper records, they don't do electronic billing, and I left with an actual handwritten prescription.

Which brings me to my next point: I walked out of the appointment with a prescription for Lithium!  I really wasn't expecting that at all--I was expecting to leave with an order for blood work and get a prescription at my follow up next week.  But Dr. C said that since I've already been on this medication and all that, she was comfortable with starting me on it, then getting blood work once I'm almost at my old dose.  Which meant that my follow up appointment got pushed back to mid October, which means I have some time to figure out the financing stuff.

So all in all, it was just great.  Great doctor, great staff, great office, a prescription, not having to pay for another appointment for 3 weeks . . . awesome.  Like I said, better than I was even expecting.  It was as pleasant an experience as it could be for being an overall unpleasant thing, but I think I'll elaborate on that later.

Right now, I'm just glad it went so well, glad it's over, and glad to have my medication.

Struggling

The past week-ish has just been . . . well, kind of a struggle.

It's really just a little bit of everything.  Stress at work, a sort of sinus infection kind of thing (which I've actually had for like the past month . . . ever since my co-workers' kids went back to school last month, it seems like at least one co-worker a week comes down with something, and then they bring those nasty little kid germs into work . . . blech), the whole iffy mental health treatment thing . . . I just haven't been doing well.

Stress at work is high right now because there's some shifting around going on in my department at MHC.  Nothing about it will directly impact my job; in fact, the only thing that's really changing for me is that my office mate is moving out, and that's a pretty welcome change at this point.  It's really not the shifting of things that bothers me, it's the attitude behind some of it that gets on my nerves, but I think that once everything's done things will calm down.  I try not to let myself get too worked up over it, because there's really no point in doing so.  Again, absolutely nothing is changing as far as my actual day to day duties, and I know that my boss thinks I'm doing really well job performance wise, so ultimately, there's nothing for me to worry about.  I just don't do well with change in general.  Besides all of that, a certain incompetent co-worker is getting more and more incompetent, and I'm just getting to my limit of dealing with this person.  That feeling is not limited to me, it's pretty much the whole freaking clinic, but the only person who could do something about it chooses to ignore it so . . . it's kind of a mess.

On top of all that, I can feel my mental health slipping a little bit.  I can feel myself disengaging, losing interest in things.  Not for long periods of time, it kind of comes and goes, but it's still not fun.  I've also just started to feel down and anxious quite a bit (again, it kind of comes and goes), and that just sucks.  My nerves are also just . . . I don't know.  Shot right now.  Not all the time, but I've noticed lately that when I have to do something that would make me nervous anyway, it's incredibly magnified.  I don't like it.  I've also been stress eating and retail therapying, which are both bad ideas.  My bank balance is going down and my weight is going up, and I would really like the exact opposite to be happening.

Plus I'm just nervous about the whole new doctor thing.  I'm nervous about the financial aspect, I'm nervous that she and I won't click, I'm nervous that she won't be willing to put me back on the medication I'd been on before, I'm nervous about having to get blood work and all that kind of stuff done.  I'm nervous about having to re-hash my whole story to someone new, because that's never fun.  It's all a little overwhelming.  (I did go into her office today to turn in my new patient paperwork, and being able to see the office and sort of feel its vibe has calmed me down quite a bit.  I liked what I saw).

Right now, I'm just telling myself to just get through it and it'll all be fine.  All of the mental health symptoms I'm having now are ones I've had before, and even more significantly, they're all ones I've beaten before.  And there's no reason to think that a decent doctor would totally ignore my history of success with Lithium and not prescribe it again.

Deep breaths.  Deep, deep, breaths.

A Year Without A Psychiatrist

I said in my last post that I've been without a psychiatrist for nearly a year now, so I thought I'd follow that up by talking about what I've done this past year to keep myself on track treatment wise.

The first few months were pretty easy.  Between the last of my refills from Dr. Wright, and the refill Dr. F gave me, I was fully medicated until the end of November.  In December I broke into my "emergency" Lithium stash, which was basically about a month and a half worth of old prescriptions that I'd never taken.  (I had this partly from those times when I just wouldn't take my medicine, and partly leftover from when the couple times I switched medications before the current Rx ran out, if that makes sense).  I lowered my dose a little bit and my emergency supply lasted until the end of February.

At that point I had been unsuccessfully trying to work things out with my old doctor/been looking for a new doctor, and it was taking longer than expected.  I knew I couldn't just cold turkey stop my medication, so I started looking for an alternative.  I remembered an old Hastings co-worker telling me she was (self diagnosed) bipolar, and that she took a natural, OTC Lithium supplement.  I didn't think such a thing existed, but after I did some poking around on the internet, I found it.  It's called Lithium orotate and you can get it on Amazon.  It's obviously not the same formulation as Rx Lithium (which is Lithium carbonate); it's a lower dosage made mostly of elemental Lithium, and there's some evidence that the bioavailability is different as well.  It hasn't been studied very extensively in humans, but I was desperate, and it was something, so I bought it.  I started myself out on a dosage that was higher than what the bottle recommended but lower than my therapeutic dose of Rx Lithium.

And it actually helped.  I will say that it's not as effective as "real" Lithium, but it has most definitely kept the edge off of my worst symptoms for the past 6 months.  I haven't had any manic or hypomanic episodes; I've had a few down swings but not any true depressive episodes either.  It was the most helpful the first couple months I was taking it (March thru July).  I mean, in June I was able to get a second job, so obviously I was doing OK.  It's only been the past few weeks that I've started to feel like the effectiveness was dropping off a bit, which is why I started focusing on finding a psychiatrist again.

Like I said, it hasn't been perfect.  Since the end of August, some things have fallen by the wayside: I haven't written in a while, I haven't been working out or eating right, and my house is in desperate need of a deep clean.  Right now, though, those are all things I don't have the mental energy to do.  But I have been able to get up and go to work every day and hold down my job and even do really well at it, and that's amazing.  I also haven't had any suicidal ideation or thought about cutting.  So while the past 6 months of alternative treatment haven't been my best, they've far and away not been my worst, either.  I can tell you that if I'd just gone unmedicated, I'd be unemployed and possibly dead right now, and I'm neither.  All in all, I call it at least a semi success.  I'm also really proud of myself for being able to find an alternative and at least do something to keep myself well, because old me would have just let it go and suffered the consequences.

Right now, things are on a bit of a downslope.  I haven't had any energy the past couple weeks, I can feel my temper getting shorter, and in general, I just haven't felt well.  I'm just trying to make it through as best as I can, and in less than two weeks I'll see my new doctor and everything will get better from there.  I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to my appointment, because I'm ready to get back to where I was.

Finally

For the past few days I've been meaning to write about a bunch of things . . . like the pretty crappy down swing I've been on mentally, and the strange epiphany like thoughts I've been having lately, and what a fabulous time I had this past weekend when some friends were in town and I put on real pants (on a Saturday!) and actually left the house.  I will, eventually, write about all those things.

For now, though, I just want to say that after almost a year of not having a psychiatrist, I finally finally finally finally finally found a doctor here in Flagstaff, and I have an appointment on the 25th.  I am immensely relieved and honestly feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders.

Remember When?

Lately I find myself feeling very nostalgic.  I think it's mostly related to this time of year, because it was right around 4 years ago that I went on my first date with my ex.  

I remember him asking me to hang out via Facebook, and I remember almost ignoring the message and pretending I'd never seen it, and then saying yes at the last minute because I knew he needed to talk to someone and I felt bad blowing him off.  I remember him calling for directions to my apartment, because I live on the weirdest street in Flagstaff (it's a boulevard that is literally a block long) and no one can find it unless they've been there before.  I remember just driving all over town and listening to him talk about whatever.  I remember finally stopping at Lake Mary, and walking down to the water and having to grab his hand a few times to keep from falling, and him holding on longer than was necessary every time.  I remember him asking to hold me and sitting on a rock at the side of the lake with his arms around me.  I remember going to WalMart to buy an inflatable raft and leaving disappointed because they didn't have any.  I remember him taking the longest route possible to take me home, and him saying it was just because of the road work on the highway, and I remember having a feeling that he really just didn't want to drop me off.  I remember coming home and telling Jerbs about him and her making a comment that when I talked about him, I smiled like she hadn't seen me smile in a long time.

And all that wasn't even our first date.  Our first date was the next night, when he showed up at my apartment with a stuffed duck, a get well card, and a raft.

I really do miss him.  And it seems to get worse instead of better--I feel like I miss him more now than I ever have, when we're 2 years out from the break up and I'm fairly settled into this life without him.  It's something I just can't seem to get over, regardless of what I do.  I think I talk a big game about being over him, about not caring, and it's bullshit.  I am happy with my life, yes, and I'm doing well on my own, but I'm not over him.  I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be over it, telling myself that it's stupid to hang on and that I'm an idiot for still being in love with him and that after 2 years, I should have moved on.

I'm done with that.  I'm done beating myself up for the way I feel about him.  Honestly, it was a serious, real relationship, we were very committed to each other, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that those feelings are still there.  I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.  Obviously I'm not going to let it rule my life or anything like that, but still.

I want to be with him.  I know that, at this point, the odds of anything happening, of him feeling the same way, of him not having found someone else, are utterly astronomical, but I'm choosing to remain hopeful.  Because I still feel like he's who I'm supposed to end up with.  There's just something about him, about the way we were together, that makes me believe that.  I'm sure I sound like a total idiot to anyone reading this, but whatever.  I'm OK with that.

Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014

Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!

Like last year, it was a great, great experience.  I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do.  I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause.  This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them.  Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny.  That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us).  So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that.  Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her.  Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace.  Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile.  That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape.  This year I was better prepared, too.  Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any.  No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top.  So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better!  We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top.  I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!

Mile signs.  I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7.  Last year there
was a big half way point sign, but not this year.

The pictures I took from the top.  Can't beat that view!

After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town.  Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us.  We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).

Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago.  I miss them already!  

I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.  

So that's that!  I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!

Just An Update

1.  This week I finished one of my special projects at MHC.  Hallefreakinglujah.  It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It took up pretty much my whole Tuesday but that's OK.

2.  Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week.  Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it.  Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails.  Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate.  Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.

3.  I started doing Couch to 5k this week.  I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running).  At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me.  And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.

4.  I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF.  I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal.  I'm looking forward to that.

5.  I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday.  No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message.  That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow.  Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month.  I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking.  This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity.  I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only.  So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.

5.  Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart.  As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff.  It was the most random thing.  The most absolute random thing.  And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt.  And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together.  Sigh.

Busy And Maybe A Little Burnt Out

This whole two jobs thing is kinda kicking my ass.

Don't get me wrong, I like having two jobs.  I enjoy both of them and it's nice to not be worried about money all the time anymore.  But the past couple weeks I just have felt . . . burnt out.

My real job at MHC is just insane right now.  I'm working on two different special projects, plus DME, plus all my normal duties.  And Medicare is being quite a bit more awful than usual lately, which is just awesome.  And today was stressful because a co-worker opened a spam email and it turned out to be a massive virus, which led to all our servers being offline for like two hours.  Which meant I could do basically nothing.  It was incredibly frustrating.

I'm currently in the middle of a billing cycle at job # 2, which means that tomorrow will likely be a 12 hour day.  And that half day Friday was an 8 hour day.  I don't mind but I'll admit that this job is a bit more . . . involved than I was originally expecting.  I was told 6-8 hours of filing and clerical work a week . . . I didn't expect to be running billing cycles and making collections phone calls.

I don't know.  I feel like all I do anymore is work.  And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, really, because I don't have kids or a spouse or really anything that demands a lot of my attention outside of work.  There are just days when it's very, very exhausting.

But every time I start to get frustrated or annoyed or whatever, I make myself remember what it was like to be unemployed for 2 years and struggle with finding work, and I tell myself to suck it up.  I want to excel at both of my jobs.

So that's about it.  Two weeks from now I have a long weekend (I'm off on Monday, the 18th, and my sister will be here that weekend for the Climb to Conquer Cancer) and I am counting down the days to that.

Not Much Of A Weekend

This past Wednesday Jerbs left for San Diego, for Comic Con.  (So jealous).  Which means I've had the apartment to myself for 4 days, which means that instead of just chilling out and relaxing, I used the time to deep clean the whole place.  Like really, really deep clean it.  I can only do that when Jerbs is out of town because she gets weird about me moving her stuff to clean around it, so . . . yeah.  Needless to say I don't feel like I've had much of a weekend.

But the apartment looks amazing.  I didn't get to the bathroom or laundry room but whatever, those were low priorities.  I'm guessing I burned off quite a few calories the way I busted my ass too, so that's a plus.

I really wish tomorrow wasn't Monday because I definitely don't want to go to work.  At either job.  I think I need a vacation, but that's for another post.

For now, I'm going to sit my ass in my chair and watch one more episode of the X Files before bed.

Diet Betting

I'm doing a diet bet!

It's a thing that seems to be getting pretty popular lately; I know of a couple bloggers I follow who have either competed in one or run one.  Basically a diet bet is where a group of people pay x amount of money to participate in some kind of fitness challenge; at the end of the challenge whoever's met the goal splits the pot or whoever's lost the most wins.  I've been thinking of doing one, because money is always a good motivational tool, but I didn't really know where to begin.  Then my friend Theresa told me that her and her girlfriend were going to do one, and she invited me to join.  So I did!

It's a 4 week challenge, that started today, to lose 4% of your body weight.  Which for me is just under 8 pounds.  I paid $25 to join the bet/game/whatever.  I'm honestly not totally sure I can do it (2 pounds a week is hard) but I figure it's worth a shot.  And hey, who knows, maybe I'll at least get my $25 back, right?

Lately

I am more busy right now than I've ever been.  It's fantastic.

For the past two weeks my days (Mondays and Wednesdays, anyhow) have typically been going like this: wake up, get to MHC by 8:30, work until I take my lunch break at 2:00, run across the street to SHF and do as much work as I can in about 45 minutes, go back to MHC and finish out my day there, head back to SHF a little before 6, do my work there until about 7, hit the elliptical for 40(ish) minutes, and by then it's 8 PM and Jerbs is getting off work so I pick her up and head home.  It makes for roughly 12 hour days.  It's kind of nice but exhausting.  Fortunately next week should be a little easier because the billing cycle (ie super busy time) at SHF is pretty much done.

I got sick at work on Thursday.  A pharm rep had brought pizza for lunch, and I had a couple slices, and it just didn't agree with me.  I ended up leaving around 2, coming home, and not being able to keep down anything but water and crackers for the rest of the night.  Lovely.

But today was Saturday, and Jerbs was off, and I didn't have to go to either of my jobs, and it was rainy and cool out . . . basically a perfect set up for a day.  Jerbs and I had lunch, ran some errands, went to the mall and played with kittens at the adoption center there (because we're 5), took the dogs to the pond and let them run around, and watched Mean Girls on Netflix.  Life is good.

Kittens!  The two chasing the toy are flame point siameses, the one on the far right
is an orange and white DSH.  Her name is Strawberry.  Best hour of the day.

Monsoon-y evening at the pond.  It's a little blurry because I was holding Hollie's
leash and she was pulling to get to the ducks.

Independence Day 2014

I'm just going to go ahead and say that this was not my best 4th of July.

I was supposed to go to Kingman.  Which I'd been planning to do since that whole trip in May fell through, thanks to my sister.  And I told my sister, in May, that I would be there for Independence Day weekend.  But I got a call from my mom on the 2nd to tell me that my sister was going out of town and Austin was going to his dad's for the weekend.  Needless to see I was absolutely livid, and I'm at a point where I'm really just done trying to have a relationship with my sister.  But that's a whole other thing.

So since I wasn't going to Kingman, Jerbs and I met up with my parents and my other sister in Seligman for lunch.  It was very nice to see them, and we had a good time.

BUT I got pulled over on the way to Seligman.  I was going 91 in a 75.  I just got a warning and it really wasn't a big deal, but after he gave me the warning the Highway Patrol douche asked if Jerbs was my daughter.  My DAUGHTER.  I was so upset . . . that was definitely a blow my self esteem didn't need.  So up yours, Highway Patrol douche.

Then when we got back to Flag, we decided to take the dogs up to the pond.  It's monsoon season so we've been getting a lot of rain, and the grass land around the pond was pretty much one big puddle.  We usually stay on the cement path so it shouldn't have been an issue.  We were about a quarter of the way around the pond and had come to a spot where the sprinklers were running, so it was really wet and muddy off the path.  But there were ducks hanging out on the grass and naturally, Hollie went after them.  Like just WENT.  And since I was holding her leash I went with her, and before I knew it I was flat on my back in a giant mud puddle.  A puddle made of mud that is made of dirt, reclaimed water, and duck shit.  It.  Was.  Disgusting.

Needless to say we didn't finish our walk.  We came home so that I could take a shower.  And clean off my shoes.  And clean off my keys, sunglasses, and the lead to Hollie's leash.  Seriously, it was gross.

But then there were fireworks, which there weren't last year, so that was nice.  We watched them from our porch, and that was that.

Again, not the best 4th.  But I did have a 3 day weekend and that's always nice.  Silver lining, I suppose.  I'm just hoping that next year doesn't involve law enforcement or getting covered in mud.

Holding On And Letting Go

This post kind of goes hand in hand with my last one, but I feel like these thoughts deserve their own space.

This entire blog is a testament to the fact that the end of my engagement is very much a part of my journey to mental health. In a lot of ways I think that if the break up hadn't happened I wouldn’t have achieved all the things I did. Apparently I needed to be on my own to really get better, and while I used to hate that fact, I'm more or less OK with it now. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that a lot of the good in my life came out of a really horrible experience—so, understandably, my feelings towards my ex are complicated. On the one hand, he broke my heart; on the other, he put me definitively onto the path to being truly well.

I still have a lot of regrets where he and everything that happened with us is concerned. I don't think that will ever totally go away, because no matter how much I improve, I was still horrible to him. I hate thinking that I had something so amazing and that I sat back and watched it fall apart. It seems so stupid now. I'm at a point where I've mostly forgiven myself but that doesn't mean I wouldn't go back and change things if I could.

I don't blame him for ending it, I really don't. As I've gotten better I think I've been able to look back and see our relationship from something closer to his perspective and I get it. Maybe I take issue with the method and the harshness but I get it.

One of the strangest things about being mentally healthy is that it's both helped me to get over the break up and, at the same time, made it even harder to let go. Obviously getting better has shown me that I absolutely don't need my ex in my life, that I'm completely fine on my own. There was a point where I felt like my happiness really depended on whether or not I had him, and now I know how untrue (and idiotic) that is. At the same time, getting better has made me very aware of the fact that now I could be in a relationship, if that makes sense. It's one thing to want something but know you're not capable of having it, but it's another to want something, know you could do it, and just not be able to have it. I look back on our relationship now and realize how amazing it could have been if I was like this then.

Sometimes I still feel surprised at how absolute the break has been. It's no secret that I assumed we'd get back together at some point, and I guess I always thought that, even if that didn't happen, we'd at least end up as friends. I expected him to stay in my life somehow, not disappear from it completely. But we really haven't kept in touch. I've reached out and been ignored, and the last time I spoke to him was last July when he randomly showed up at my apartment. It makes me sad—really, really sad—that such strong feelings can end up being nothing.

Sometimes I wonder why we've never found our way back to each other.

At one point during the break up—like the actual process of the relationship ending, when my emotions were off the charts and I was a total mess—I told him that I had cheated on him. Specifically, I told him that I had cheated on him 5 times, with Jerbs. It wasn't even remotely true, I just wanted to hurt him, and in that moment infidelity was the most hurtful thing I could think of. As soon as I said it I regretted it and confessed that it was a lie, but I've wondered if he believed me and if that's what's prevented him from pursuing any kind of relationship with me.

I remember my ex telling me once about a girl he was close to in high school; she had mental health problems, he helped her through it, and once she was better she basically stopped being friends with him. He ended up feeling like she'd only needed him to get better and then stopped, and I wonder if he thinks the same of me: that now that I'm better he would be pointless in my life.

I've wondered if maybe seeing me last July, doing so much better without him, made him think that he had, in some way, been keeping me sick and that his absence is necessary for me to stay healthy. And I've wondered if maybe he just needs more time to work on himself and his own issues.

I've wondered if maybe he just doesn't want to deal with the long distance thing, because it was such a disaster last time.

And I've wondered the obvious: maybe there is just too much bad in the past that there's no possibility f or a good future between us. That maybe he's never had any intention of even attempting to be my friend or anything else. That maybe he hates me.

I know it really doesn't matter, but I still wonder.

One thing I do know is that it would work between us now. That if he got to know me again, that if he got to know this real version of me, he would fall in love with me all over again. I don't doubt that for a second. All the things that made him believe I was his soul mate are still there, and now there's nothing hiding them. I know that his feelings for me were real (I mean, he asked me to marry him after he'd known me for six months, so there was definitely something there). I've talked before about how my mental illness symptoms improved drastically in the first two months I knew him, how for those first couple months I was normal and happy. That me he saw is who I really am, and who I am now.

I've held on, and held out hope, for two years. And I think it's time to let go. The truth is that I don't think of my ex all that much anymore; he crosses my mind from time to time but not like he used to. He'll always have a piece of my heart, and a part of me will always love him. And I think I'll always wonder, no matter where my life goes from here and how far away from him I get, what it would have been like if things had worked out. There's a box of mementos and keepsakes from our relationship in my hall closet; I know I don't need anything in it, and I know I should just toss it, but I can't bring myself to do it. There are still songs I can't listen to, that I haven't been able to listen to since we broke up, that I skip past when they pop up on my iPod. I think of him whenever I hear jazz music (which is rarely). I'd still like to talk to him, if only for my own sense of closure. But by and large, I think I'm over him.

2 Years of Evolution

So I was actually going to write this post back at the end of the May (around the 2 year break up anniversary), but then . . . I just got busy and it got pushed to the back burner and I ended up not getting around to it then.

But the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that today—the first of July—is actually a more appropriate anniversary for this journey I've been on. Because, even though it was on May 25^th that Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married, that relationship didn't truly end—and I didn't truly start to focus on myself and getting better—until I moved back up to Flagstaff. And that happened two years ago today.

Honestly, it's hard to even know where to begin when I talk about this. I've changed so drastically since that day two years ago that I barely know how to put it into words. I've talked about it a lot on here, in bits and pieces, but summing it all up is a challenge.

The day that Ex-Fiance drove me to Flagstaff felt like the worst of my life. To say I was miserable would be a pretty major understatement. I remember the anxiety and numbness coming in waves: my stomach knotting up, palms sweating, heart racing, and then a sudden detachment, a sense of almost nothingness, like I was outside of my body and all around not a part of what was going on. I didn't want to be in Flagstaff; I kept thinking that there was no way I was ever going to get better in the place where my life had completely fallen apart. I kept thinking about my nephew and and saying goodbye to him and how awful that had been, and how bitter I was at being forced out of my hometown and away from my family. At the time I had a crappy job and really didn't know how I was going to survive financially. I knew I needed a full time job, but I also knew that I wasn't mentally well enough to hold down a full time job . . . and I wasn't going to be able to afford treatment without a full time job. (How's that for a vicious cycle?). I didn't have a car and I was dreading having to depend on the bus system. And on top of that I had just gotten dumped; I was with the man I loved, the man I had fully intended to spend the rest of my life with, the man I was supposed to have married just the day before, and I knew that at the end of the day he was going to leave. I remember that he stuck around for a few hours, and that I felt like I was going to throw up when he finally said he needed to get going. He kissed me and told me he loved me before he left; I stood on my porch and watched him drive away and wished that I was dead.

On that day my life just didn't make sense. I looked at it from all the angles I could, and it sucked from every single one. I don't think I'd ever felt more defeated than I did that day. My future—to me, at least—looked bleak. Very, very bleak.

Today, two years later, I am happier than I've ever been. And it was just a normal, busy day; I got up, went to work (at both jobs), and came home to Jerbs and my dogs. That's probably the best part about being mentally healthy—that the normal, uneventful, everyday kind of days are happy ones. When I was sick I hated being alive, hated having to live through every day, but now I'm truly engaged in my life and myself. It's such a good feeling.

I've come so far in two years. I got an amazing full time job, and I've been excelling at it for almost 18 months now. I feel like a lot of my personal growth has come from my job at MHC, for a lot of reasons. The financial stability has been great, and has led to a lot less anxiety about money. I've also been able to start getting my credit on track. Aside from that, I feel like I've become a lot more confident about myself since I started at MHC. I've taken on more responsibility there than I ever imagined I would; some of the things that have been added to my work load are things that, when I first started, I didn't think I could do or would want to do. But now, I'm pretty sure I could do anything that was asked of me at work; I'm very confident in my abilities. And the confidence that's come from everything I do at MHC is what let me to be sure I could handle a second job. And let me tell you that having two jobs makes me feel absolutely amazing.

It's also been a great experience to work with people who don't know me as being sick. My co-workers like me, and just think of me as me. And it's been nice to be looked at like a normal person, to have been able to make friends and just . . . I don't know, show people who I really am. When you think about it, my MHC co-workers are the first group of people who have ever met me without knowing anything about my mental health history. And I'm definitely not saying that I feel like other people in my life have been judgmental; I'm just saying that it's kind of nice to have people in my life who never saw me like that. They make me feel normal.

I've stopped overreacting to things. I feel like in the past, things that were pretty small and insignificant would make me freak out. Like changes in schedules or the store being out of something I needed or whatever. Those little things would just make me go ballistic and ruin my whole day. Now, those things just don't bother me. And even bigger things that happen don't bother me as much. Like the flat tire on my way to work last month. Old me would have lost my shit. I'd probably have cried and screamed and kicked my car. I wouldn't have had the money to pay for a tow or new tire and I'd have made Jerbs wake up and meet me so she could take care of it. I probably would have been so upset that I'd have called in to work because I wouldn't have been able to focus after freaking out. And then I'd have come home and thrown myself a huge pity party and thought about all the reasons my life sucked. But instead, I rolled my eyes, grumbled a little bit (because no one WANTS to get a flat tire on their way to work on a Monday morning), and took care of it. I joked with the tow truck driver, passed the time at the tire shop playing Angry Birds on my phone, and then went to work. And that was just that. It didn't even remotely ruin my day.

I've stopped focusing on other people's lives and letting them effect me. Before I dreaded reading Facebook statuses because every little thing just . . . I don't know, made me get all over analytical about my own life. Any time a friend would get engaged or get married or move or get a job or really succeed in any way, I'd have an anxiety attack about the fact that I wasn't succeeding. I felt like a failure and everyone else's successes just reinforced that over and over again. It got to points where I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else and would get far too wrapped up in other people's lives for my own good. Now when I hear about good things happening to other people on Facebook, I'm just happy for them. I'm doing well enough in my own life, at this point, that I can come back to it easily. And even more than that, I want to come back to it. No matter how well anyone I know is doing, I like my own life better. I used to dread the future but now I'm excited about it. I see so much potential in myself and I know I'm going to accomplish great things.

I've stopped feeling like I need to define myself and become more OK with all of the parts of my personality co-existing. Before I felt like I had to pick who I was and whenever I did anything I wondered about how that fit into this over arching definition of me. For example, I remember once I got to thinking that I hadn't done a sewing project in a while. So I decided I wanted to sew something. And what should have been as easy as picking a pattern, grabbing some fabric, and setting up my machine turned into a massive anxiety attack because I just didn't know if I was the type of person who sewed. Does that make sense? My head made it a far bigger thing than it was, I guess. I just didn't know how to reconcile all the things I enjoyed into one personality. It seems so ridiculous now but it was a very serious issue at the time. And now I really get that I can be all the things I like and it's all just part of who I am. I sew, I write, I read, I hike, I work out . . . and it's all fine. I can do all those things without worrying about what they mean.

In general, my mind just feels more mine than it used to. I feel like I didn't used to have a lot of control over where my thoughts would go and what they would do; it was to the point that I couldn't really read books or watch TV or movies because I never knew how they'd effect my thought process. It sounds crazy but it's true. I was so afraid of the anxiety or depression or mania or whatever might come up that I just avoided anything I hadn't read or seen before. And it's silly but I missed those things, and having them back is a small victory but a victory nonetheless.

One thing that I haven't talked much about on here is that I've found my faith since I started this journey two years ago. I used to be a staunch atheist. And while I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all, my views in that area have definitely shifted. I don't know that I'd call myself a Christian, and I haven't read the Bible, and I don't go to church, but I do believe in God. I feel like my faith is something I want to experience on my own terms; I pursue a personal relationship with a higher power and that's that. I will say that I pray a lot, and that I feel very blessed. I see God at work every day in my own life. Like I said, I don't talk about it much, because it's very private.

Right now, I really do love my life. It's not perfect but it's wonderful, and I'm happy. I love where I live, I love what I do, and I love who I am. I am aware, every single day, of how fortunate I am to have gotten where I am from where I was. And I am thankful, every single day, for everything that got me there: for God, for my family, for Jerbs, for my ex, and for my own determination.

It hasn't been an easy journey, but it has been a beautiful one. As much pain and struggle as there's been, I don't think I'd change a thing.

Job # 2

I got a second job.

After that financial unpleasantness I mentioned a couple weeks back, I'd been kind of kicking around the idea of a second job in my head.  But the only thing I could think that would work would be doing something in retail and working, like, one shift a week, on Saturday or Sunday.  But I really don't want to give up a full day of my weekend so . . . yeah.

Then last week Deb, the financial controller at MHC, came into my office and mentioned that she'd gotten an email from the owner of the gym we partner with (the one where I used to have a membership) and that they were looking for someone to do clerical work.  Super easy position, 6--8 hours a week, with a schedule that is completely flexible.  So I went across the street after work and got an application.

I interviewed this past Monday, got offered the job on Tuesday, and I started training today after I got off at MHC.  The work is simple and very doable, and I can literally work whenever I want.  Plus I get a free gym membership!

I'm so excited.  It's going to be nice to have extra money; between this and the overtime I've been putting in at MHC I'm going to be doing pretty well.  And the free gym membership, I'm hoping, will motivate me to get my butt in gear fitness wise.  Besides that, I'm just incredibly proud of myself for being able to do this--it wasn't all that long ago that I couldn't hold down one job, and now I have 2!

Buckling Down

I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like the past two weeks have just been . . . weird.  I can't quite put my finger on why but things have felt off.  It's been frustrating and I'm really trying to shake it.

Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather.  That's never easy for me.  And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside.  Very, very annoying.  I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks.  Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit.  I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out.  And I obviously can't sleep through work.  And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate.  I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out.  That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.

But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.

I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.  That is, at the moment, a high priority.  Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.

I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being.  I need to drink less soda and more water.  I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP.  I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.

I need to work out.  I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio.  My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.

And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.

I need to write.  That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it.  I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.

What A Week

I would love to be able to say that this past week only got better after the flat tire fiasco.

But it didn't.  It didn't really get any worse, though.  Which I guess is a good thing.

Monday was the flat tire thing.  Tuesday I started feeling sick (head cold/sinus infection kinda stuff).  Wednesday I felt sicker and ended up being forced to deal with some financial unpleasantness . . . which is actually a good thing, in the long run, but still.  Thursday I finished dealing with the money stuff and Jerbs left for Phoenix for Comic Con (after a long debacle of her bus being canceled and having to buy a last minute ticket on the airport shuttle), which was good for her but I'm not a huge fan of being alone.  Friday I felt like absolute crap and had to stay late at work, so by the time I got home I was pretty dang miserable.  Friday night I took some nighttime cold and cough medicine and slept incredibly well.  Saturday my cold symptoms were mostly gone (yay!) but I had nighttime cold medicine hangover all day long, so I basically did nothing.  The weather was nice, too, and I wasn't thrilled to be stuck inside when I'd have rather taken the dogs out hiking or something.

Today has been uneventful.  I did laundry, cleaned, painted my toenails . . . all that usual Sunday stuff.  Jerbs will be home late tonight (hopefully with a super awesome present for me) and I'm excited to see her.

Overall this past week was not the best one of my life.  Not the worst either, I suppose.

Edited to Add:  Jerbs got Nathan Fillion's autograph for me at PCC!!  Freaking awesome present!

Why Mondays And I Will Never Be Friends

So today.

I woke up feeling good even though I didn't sleep well or enough last night.  I got out of bed early enough to take my time in the shower and do my hair.  I felt super cute and confident in my new shirt and shoes.  I left the house on time.

Needless to say I was pretty dang proud of myself when I got in my car.  I may even have thought to myself, "I am finally getting the hang of this morning thing!"  The fact that I thought that was probably a good indication that something was going to go wrong.

And sure enough, I was about half a block from home when I felt the car doing something weird.  It felt like a flat tire but I hadn't felt any kind of pop, so my initial thought was that I was imagining things and to just get to work.  But I decided to be safe and pulled into the little plaza at the end of my street and sure enough, my rear passenger side tire was flat.  Not just a little flat, but on the ground flat.  And my spare was also flat (which I kinda knew but wasn't too worried about . . . good job, Ica).  And of course there isn't a single open WiFi network anywhere in the plaza so I had to call Jerbs, who graciously texted me some phone numbers for towing companies.

So I waited for a tow truck to come and take me to Discount Tire (which cost me $65, yay).  Then the guy at Discount Tire who looked at my car was all, "Haha, hope you weren't on your way to work!"  Thanks, dude.  I waited and waited and waited at Discount Tire and fortunately, they were able to repair my tire.  I really thought I'd have to buy a new one and I wasn't looking forward to spending that much money.  There was a little staple in my tire, so I'm assuming it was just a slow leak that I didn't notice and it just happened to go out today.

I didn't leave Discount Tire until just after 10:30 and--because I just can't win--they were painting stripes on the exit I take from the highway so that added a good 5 minutes to my time.  By the time I got to work it was almost 11.  Because being 2.5 hours late to work is just the best way to start a week, right?

As aggravating as it was, I found myself feeling very grateful that I ended up not going to Kingman this weekend, because then I wouldn't have had much extra money and paying for the tow would have been horrible.  Plus, I don't know when I ran over that staple, so what if my tire had blown on the way to Kingman?  Just goes to show that there's a reason for everything.

I'm just glad my tire's fixed, glad my boss and co-workers are understanding about random BS like this, glad that I had the money to take care of it, glad that I can calmly handle these kinds of situations instead of completely flipping out, glad that nothing worse happened, and glad that today's over.

Happy Monday!

Weigh In # 6 (2014)

Weight: 189 pounds.

A little up from last time, but my measurements are all mostly the same.  Besides that, I've logged my food consistently enough to know that I definitely didn't eat the extra 10,500 calories that would have made me gain three pounds.  So I'm not too worried.

That said, May was not my best month.  It was just stressful all around--more and more duties at work, issues with my family, still not being able to find a new doctor, the weather getting hotter . . . just kind of a mess.  I felt really unmotivated all month.

Right now I feel better than I have in a few weeks so I'm looking forward to June.  My biggest goals, as usual, are to cut back on fast food as much as I can and to work out as often as possible.  One of my plans is to start walking during my lunch breaks at work, which I think will be an easy way to get in a little more exercise.

Retail Therapy

I had a rough week.

So today I went to Ross and spent $80 on clothes.  I cannot tell you the last time I spent that much money on clothes for myself.  I normally hate clothes shopping but between the shitty week thing and the fact that I've been feeling kinda frumpy in what I usually wear to work, it felt . . . necessary.

And since it was Ross, I got 4 work shirts, two sweaters, and a pair of shoes, so really it was a good deal.

I'm so glad it's Friday.

Things That Are Bugging Me Right Now

1.  How much I slept today.

2.  How much I ate today.  (Because eating an entire Little Caesar's pizza is most definitely a good decision).

3.  How little motivation I have to do ANYTHING around the house.

4.  The fact that I still haven't found a new doctor.  Blech.

5.  That tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of the break up.

6.  Cramps.

7.  All the things I've been putting on my TO DO lists over and over and over again and putting off over and over and over again.

8.  That Benji's gone.

9.  That my sister lost her cell phone in Mexico.  I honestly do not understand how we're related.  You are a mother and have a job that literally requires you to save lives but you can't keep track of a freaking cell phone when you're on vacation?  It is mind boggling.

10.  Cramps.  Again.  Because they are just the worst.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm generally pretty happy with my life right now.

I'm also just annoyed about some things and I needed to get them off my chest.

Galinas Tank Trail Hike

I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but starting today I have a four day weekend from work.  The clinic is closed for Memorial Day on Monday, so I took today off to give myself a little mini vacation (I requested this off back in, like, February).  Initially my plan was to go down to Kingman to visit my family, but my sister is currently in Mexico and Austin is at his dad's house, so I decided to just chill out in Flagstaff.

By a random stroke of luck Jerbs also had today off (she did end up having to go in to work for a few hours but she was home by noon so it wasn't a big deal . . . plus her boss felt bad about her getting called in so now she's off tomorrow too!) so we decided to load up the dogs and go on a hike!

We set out to hike Bismark Lake Trail and find Bismark Lake.  We had directions but after awhile it became clear that they weren't completely accurate (we'd gone a lot further than the directions were said we were supposed to and still hadn't seen the turn off we were looking for), so we ended up just finding a random trail along Hart Prairie Road and hiking that.  It ended up being a really lovely hike.  The trail was easy and we had a beautiful view of the peaks in the distance and we were hiking through aspen trees.  About a mile in we found this abandoned/dilapidated old house off of the trail, which was really cool!  The trail skirted around this tall hill, and we decided to be intrepid and climb it; it was definitely a work out but worth it for the view!

The dogs, of course, had a fantastic time being off their leashes and running ahead of us on the trail.  Max surprised us by  being totally into it--he's not a very adventurous dogs and doesn't usually seem to care for long walks except to pee on things, but he was just all over the place today.  I was so proud of him!  He actually made it to the top of the hill first.  I'm glad to know I'll be able to take both of them out with me on more hikes this summer.

The view of the peaks from Hart Prairie Road on the drive out.

Aspen trees.

Aspen and flowers just off the trail we were on.

The front of the old house we found.

Stone steps ups to the front door.

The foundation of the old house.

The view through the front door from inside the house.
Because of course I went inside.

The house from the side.

The back of the house.

A view of the peaks from the hill we climbed, plus Hollie
looking very majestic.  Max is in there too, he's just blending in.

Max and Hollie were so worn out!  This was
roughly 10 minutes after we got back in the car.

After the hike we had lunch at Beaver Street Brewery and wandered around downtown for a little while.  All in all it was just a lovely day.  It made me feel very grateful that I live in such a beautiful place.  I'm looking forward to more summer adventures.

Summer Project: Jewelry Holder

So this is a project I've wanted to do for awhile now, I just hadn't had time or been able to find the right supplies.  I finally did when I was browsing at Michael's with Austin over the weekend.

It was really easy.  I just sanded and painted the frame until I got the look I wanted, then took out the plastic that would go over the picture and stretched fabric and netting across the frame backing.  The background fabric is just a fat quarter that's sand colored, and the main fabric is this netting kind of stuff that was with the nautical fabrics at JoAnns.  I initially wanted to do lace, but I thought the netting worked a little better with the nautical/seaside kinda theme I was going for.  For the posts at the bottom, I cut up a dowel and drilled holes to slide them into.

Like I said,really easy.

And here it is in action.  I haven't put many of my earrings on it yet but still.  Also the posts don't give quite enough space for my rings/bracelets so I'm thinking of either adding more posts or maybe making a smaller, matching piece to hang beside this one for additional storage.  We'll see.

At any rate, I'm really, really happy with how it turned out!