Christmas Cheer

Here are some random things that have made me happy so far this holiday season.

This hedgehog:

He's a present from my boss, who lives in Florida.  She sent a box to the clinic with a little present for everyone in our department, it was so sweet!  She really did an awesome job picking something that fit each person's personality/interests, which is impressive.  I just love my boss, and I'm so excited and touched that she remembered my hedgehog obsession!  I have 3 of them in my office now.

*****

These decorations at work:

The people in Pod 3 put up some festive and cardiology appropriate decorations around their offices and exam rooms.  I rarely go to Pod 3 but I had to last week to talk to a co-worker, and I came across this.  It made me happy so I had to get a pic.

*****

My new wreath:

I wanted to make a new wreath this year, and this is what I came up with.  I wanted something that was simple and kind of rustic/outdoorsy, festive in an understated, elegant way, and I think I accomplished that.  I got the wreath form at JoAnn's and the poinsettias at Michael's.  I love how it turned out!  It looks so nice on our door.  We put red and white lights around the door too, and it really complemented the wreath nicely.

*****

And that brings me to our Christmas lights!  We put up lights on our porch this year--around the front door, around our window, and along the railing.  It's all very festive.  Unfortunately, I can't get a good picture because of the 2 gigantic pine trees in front of our apartment.  I kind of wish we'd thought of that beforehand because all the work feels a little pointless knowing that our lights pretty much can't be seen.  But we have lights and that's exciting!  And we know they're there.  I did briefly consider trying to climb one of the trees to get a picture, but Jerbs shot down that idea pretty quickly (rightfully so, I have to say).

*****

Being rewarded for our generosity.  The week before Thanksgiving, we got a flyer on our door saying that the office was having a food drive, and that anyone who donated had a chance to win a Target gift card.  I didn't really care about winning, but I wanted to help, so Jerbs and I went out and bought a bunch of canned food and donated it.  Like I said, this was back before Thanksgiving, and I'd honestly kind of forgotten about it.  But today when I got home, there was a Christmas card on our door with a $50 Target gift card and a note from the office thanking us for our donations, and saying that we had donated the most of anyone across all 3 complexes in our little group.  I was so happy!  It's nice to feel like we did something to help AND have been rewarded for it.  It was a very pleasant surprise.

*****

I've also been to a Christmas party for each of my jobs this past week, so that was fun.  The SHAF one was at a Mexican restaurant (Salsa Brava), and I hadn't eaten there in years so it was nice to have a reason to.  We had a raffle for Christmas stockings and got to take home the leftover food, so win win!  I remember that last year I was sick when the SHAF Christmas party happened and didn't get to go, so I was really happy to get to this year.  I don't spend a lot of time with my SHAF co-workers and it was nice to get to.  I didn't realize there were so many SHAF employees to be honest, because I only see a few of them on a regular basis.  The MHC party was last Thursday and it was also a lot of fun.  Last year, only like 15 people came to that one, and this year, most of the staff was there, which definitely made it more fun.  Our white elephant gift exchange was waaaay more entertaining with almost 50 gifts instead of just 15.  (Sadly, I didn't end up with anything good this year).  I really love both of my work families, and am glad to have 2 good jobs with so many good people.

*****

Now I'm just looking forward to going home for Christmas!  Jerbs and I are heading down to Kingman as soon as I'm out of work on Christmas Eve, and I can't wait!

Independence Day 2014

I'm just going to go ahead and say that this was not my best 4th of July.

I was supposed to go to Kingman.  Which I'd been planning to do since that whole trip in May fell through, thanks to my sister.  And I told my sister, in May, that I would be there for Independence Day weekend.  But I got a call from my mom on the 2nd to tell me that my sister was going out of town and Austin was going to his dad's for the weekend.  Needless to see I was absolutely livid, and I'm at a point where I'm really just done trying to have a relationship with my sister.  But that's a whole other thing.

So since I wasn't going to Kingman, Jerbs and I met up with my parents and my other sister in Seligman for lunch.  It was very nice to see them, and we had a good time.

BUT I got pulled over on the way to Seligman.  I was going 91 in a 75.  I just got a warning and it really wasn't a big deal, but after he gave me the warning the Highway Patrol douche asked if Jerbs was my daughter.  My DAUGHTER.  I was so upset . . . that was definitely a blow my self esteem didn't need.  So up yours, Highway Patrol douche.

Then when we got back to Flag, we decided to take the dogs up to the pond.  It's monsoon season so we've been getting a lot of rain, and the grass land around the pond was pretty much one big puddle.  We usually stay on the cement path so it shouldn't have been an issue.  We were about a quarter of the way around the pond and had come to a spot where the sprinklers were running, so it was really wet and muddy off the path.  But there were ducks hanging out on the grass and naturally, Hollie went after them.  Like just WENT.  And since I was holding her leash I went with her, and before I knew it I was flat on my back in a giant mud puddle.  A puddle made of mud that is made of dirt, reclaimed water, and duck shit.  It.  Was.  Disgusting.

Needless to say we didn't finish our walk.  We came home so that I could take a shower.  And clean off my shoes.  And clean off my keys, sunglasses, and the lead to Hollie's leash.  Seriously, it was gross.

But then there were fireworks, which there weren't last year, so that was nice.  We watched them from our porch, and that was that.

Again, not the best 4th.  But I did have a 3 day weekend and that's always nice.  Silver lining, I suppose.  I'm just hoping that next year doesn't involve law enforcement or getting covered in mud.

2013: A Year In Review

I swear, I thought of a good subtitle for this and of course didn't write it down and have now forgotten it.  Bummer.

At any rate, I can't believe it's New Year's Eve.  It's just a little bit mind blowing that 2013 is almost over!  It has been quite a year for me.  Probably the best year of my adult life thus far.

I got a job right at the beginning of the year, and in about two weeks I'll be having my first yearly eval there.  I am so incredibly happy with where I work I can't even tell you.  I genuinely don't mind going to work anymore, and I'm so glad to be able to support myself financially.  Having the job I have now makes me feel like a functioning adult and it's glorious.

I turned 28 in February.  Twenty.  Eight.  It sounds so close to 30 it freaks me out a little.  Kinda dreading the 29 coming up here soon, but I don't really get a choice in the matter, do I?  I also bought a bed in February, and it felt awesome to drag my crappy old air mattress down to the dumpster.

In March I adopted Max.  As much of a pain in the ass as he is sometimes, I think it was a good move.  Just like with Benji, it's been very rewarding and heart warming to watch Max go from being scared and skinny to being friendly and sweet and playful.  His hair is all fluffy now and he plays fetch and sits and shakes hands, and he loves me and Jerbs.  Strangers he's still iffy around but he's getting there.  I love Max.  Not as much as I love Benji, I'll admit that, but still, I love him.

In May I bought a car, and that was probably the biggest thing that happened to me this year.  Not just because I got a car but because I did it on my own.  It made me feel so incredibly strong and independent to be able to buy it, and I cherish that feeling every time I get behind the wheel.  I love my car.

Also in May, just a few days after I bought the car, I hit the one year mark of being single.  I didn't care as much as I thought I would, but still, it wasn't a milestone I ever thought I'd get to.  I thought I'd be back in Kingman with my ex within 6 months of moving out, so getting to a year without him was weird.  It's weird now, to think it's been a year and a half.  Maybe by the two year anniversary I'll really be over it.

In June I saw Neil Gaiman and it was awesome!

July marked one year of being back in Flagstaff.  That felt like an even bigger milestone than a year of being single.  It was difficult to think of the year away from my family; I felt bitter that day, and angry.  Then just a few days after I saw my ex for the first time in almost a year, which was really more of an irritation than anything.  I consciously kept him at arm's length while he was here; I'm sure I came across as cold and uncaring, and there are moments now when I regret that.  Sometimes I think I should have told him, while he was here, how I still feel about him, but more often than not, I'm glad he got to see me not giving a shit.  I'm glad he got to see the better me.

Independence Day was probably my favorite day of the whole summer, because of the company and everything else.

In August I climbed a fucking mountain, and it was awesome.  I'm looking forward to doing it again in 2014.

The holiday season was challenging for all the same reasons as last year, and while I was more mentally healthy and therefore able to handle it a little better this year, I wouldn't say that it was easier.  I missed my ex, plain and simple, and I felt a lot of anger about being single and away from my family and everything.  But I survived and that's all that matters, and maybe next Christmas it actually will get easier.

Throughout the year I got more and more mentally healthy.  I took my medicine all year (with a few random hiccups but nothing huge), I went to my doctor's appointments, and got my labs done when I needed to; I've never been such a compliant psych patient before.  2013 was full of little moments that made me realize just how far I've come in my battle against bipolar disorder, and for that, I will always and forever cherish this year.  There are still days where I find myself in complete disbelief at how much better I am now.  I go back through old Facebook statuses or Twitter updates, from when I was sick, and I can't believe what a difference there is.  I can't believe I used to live that way.  Being mentally healthy makes me feel almost invincible.  I know now that I can do whatever I put my mind to, that no goal I set is outside of my reach.  And it's all  because I'm mentally healthy.

Related to mental health, I also made a lot of progress as far as getting over my ex.  That whole situation was something that was on my mind a lot in 2013, and I feel like how I think of it now vs. how I thought of it at the start of the year are completely different.  I feel like I've come to really understand how bad I was and how much I put my ex through; I can see my behavior from a perspective of being mentally healthy, and I get it.  I totally get it.  And I'm ashamed of that part of my past, and I think that guilt will be something I'll grapple with for awhile yet.  But at the same time, it feels healthy to have reached this point.  I also kind of realized this year how very in control of fixing things I was back then, and that if I had done what I was supposed to do as far as treatment, maybe I'd still be with him.  At the same time, though, this year I found myself frequently thinking that I needed to get better on my own if I was going to do it at all.  I don't know . . . I'm torn, and I think both are a little bit true, if that's possible.

I would also say that my views on love, romance, and relationships have changed a lot this year, mostly in the sense that now I feel confident in my ability to be loved.  I finally, finally feel like I'm capable of having an adult relationship and being with someone the way you should be with someone as an adult, if that makes sense.

This year had its fails too.  Mostly I'm disappointed in my weight.  I was so determined at the beginning of 2013 that I'd finish the year weighing at least 40 pounds less than at the start of the year, but I'll be starting 2014 about 11 pounds heavier.  But I tell myself that 2013 was a year to focus on mental health, which I did, and which I succeeded at, and now 2014 will be a year to focus on physical health.

Normally I feel a little sad at New Year, because it's an end.  2013 is about to become the past, and for whatever reason, that has just always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself really looking forward to the new year, to 2014.  I think the past couple years of turmoil and transition have made me really appreciate any opportunity for a fresh start--even if it's a mostly symbolic one, like new year.  I'm going into this year happy, healthy, and hopeful, and that's tremendous and amazing and I am so damn proud of myself for it!

So goodbye 2013.  You were beautiful and wonderful and I will remember you fondly.

Christmas 2013

Oh, Christmas.  I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year.  I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again.  I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.

Mostly the petty arguing.  There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers.  Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know?  But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.

On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked.  I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early.  Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended.  We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe.  Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc.  (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin!  He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious).  After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her.  (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much).  It was fun, though.  It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together.  It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.

Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house.  That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights.  We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun.  There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.

After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition).  Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box.  This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy.  Like, his face fell.  It was upsetting.  Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes.  I mean, I know he's only 5 but still.  A little disheartening.

After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter.  When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc.  I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.

Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas.  He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet.  I just . . . I don't even really know how to say.  I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning.  He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know.  To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old.  I don't like it.  I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still.  I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas.  We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had.  And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees.  Austin's getting none of that.  No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys.  It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.  

But that's just me.  I'm not his mother.  And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.

He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.

After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night.  I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!

My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts.  I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like.  My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.

Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something.  He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling.  I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson.  I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.

It was nice to get home.  Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax.  I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.  

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today.  At all.  Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk.  Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk.  So I was a little off all day long.

But.  All in all I'd say this year was better than last year.  It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama.  It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year.  It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.

And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there.  I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him.  I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice.  I'm grateful that I got that.  I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days.  But that's for another post.

Goodnight!

Thanksgiving 2013

This was dinner:

Jerbs and I ordered a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Sprouts this year, because we decided we didn't feel like cooking, crockpot or otherwise.  We got a turkey breast (because we definitely didn't need a whole turkey for just the two of us), stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli au gratin, cranberry sauce, and dinner rolls for $29.99.  Plus we got a free pie (apple) that we didn't know about until we picked up our dinner!  I didn't try the rolls or the cranberry sauce but the rest of it was delicious.  I was impressed, especially considering that all we had to do was throw everything in the microwave for a few minutes. The broccoli au gratin was really, really good.

That plate in the picture was actually round 2, which took place after the nap that happened after round 1.

I love Thanksgiving.

Other than eating and hanging out with Jerbs I've just been working on some Christmas shopping lists and stuff.  I'm so excited that I'm off until Monday!  Now if only Jerbs didn't have to work for Black Friday, things would be perfect.

I'm not going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, by which I mean I'm not getting up at a ridiculous hour and standing in a ridiculous line to buy anything.  (Seriously, to get me out of bed for Black Friday, the deal would have to be something along the lines of sex with Adam Levine for a dollar).  But I'm going to go do some shopping at a more normal hour, because it's payday and I need crap.  JoAnns is having some sales I want to hit up on Saturday, so I might get up a smidge early for that, but we'll see.

Anyway.  So that was my Thanksgiving.  Lazy and relaxing with good food--that's just what I wanted!

Independence Day

I remember, last year on the 4th of July, hiking up into the woods by the apartment with Jerbs to watch the fireworks.  They set them off at the mall so we could see most of the show from here; I'd been back in Flagstaff for 3 days.

I remember standing there in the forest consumed by this overwhelming feeling that my life had stopped making sense.  That when I looked at my life it was foreign to me, like I didn't know it anymore; I had been on one path, imagining one future, and that was gone.  I was confused and anxious and sad and angry and I missed Ex-Fiance and I was still very, very bipolar.  I was miserable and I had no idea what I was going to do.

But today, having a drink at Rendezvous and wandering around downtown with B and her husband (who came up for the day), driving through a massive rainstorm to the mall, eating a sushi dinner with the B's and Jerbs at Karma, and missing most of the fireworks show (minus what we saw from the highway) because they started them early due to the storm . . . I was nothing but content.  Happy.  In love with my life, exactly the way it is.

It feels so good.

Mother's Day

I thought I'd take an opportunity--since it's Mother's Day and all--to say that I love my mom.

She's seriously an awesome lady.  We've always been close (minus this really nasty phase I went through when I was like 11), and I've always thought of her as a friend.  I think that when I was in college there was a lot of tension between us, but that's dissipated since I graduated and everything.  And sure we still have our differences but nothing huge.

I've said this before, but it always merits saying again: my mother is the most generous and giving and kind hearted person I have ever met in my life.  She goes out of her way to be nice, she bends over backwards for people, and she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  I remember, when we were kids, her constantly giving food to our friends' families (we grew up in a poor neighborhood) and to the food bank; everyone we knew knew they could come to her if they needed anything.  (This was one of the benefits of her extreme couponing).  Over the years she's even helped the people in her life who absolutely don't deserve it, because she's just got a big heart.

As a kid, I remember being a little put off by this.  The helping was nice but there were times when I thought she was being used and not standing up for herself, and that frustrated me.  But as an adult, looking back, I think her thought process was that when people were nasty to her, they still needed help; she was always willing to be the bigger person.  As an adult, I see the influence of these things at work in my life every day, and I'm so thankful for that.  There are so many selfish people in the world, who don't think they have any obligation to help, and I'm so glad I'm not one of them.  (Granted, they don't have an obligation to help but I feel like you should want to).  I don't think I'd be nearly as good a person without this influence.

She's also my Dancing With the Stars buddy, and I don't think I'd be as into that show if it weren't for her.  I know it would be a lot less interesting without someone to rehash it with every week!

Anyway, I love you, Mom!  Happy Mother's Day.

Christmas 2012: Family Fun, Why Murphy's Law Should Be Called Jessica's Law, and I Did Something Sort Of Illegal

Oh, Christmas.  Where should I start?

Well, my travel plans ended up working out at the last minute.  My mom bought me a round trip bus ticket, so I traveled to Kingman on Christmas Eve, and planned to come back to Flag the day after Christmas.  It wasn't ideal, because Jerbs and Benji didn't get to come, but still, I was glad to get to go.

Christmas Eve, after my mom and sister (Jill) picked me up at the bus station, we went straight to Jenny's house.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  He screamed my name and threw his arms around my legs and said, "I've been missin' you Auntica!"  Too precious.  We ate dinner and then we did our family gift exchange, since my sister was working on Christmas day.  It was fun, and I got more than I felt I deserved, and I am grateful for a family that loves me.  I think the best part of the entire gift opening, though, was when my dad opened a present from Austin, and it was Austin's Power Rangers Samurai sword that he plays with ALL the time.  The WTF? look on my dad's face was beyond priceless, and my sister was cracking up and explained that Austin had absolutely insisted that that be a gift for my dad.  As Austin said, it was for next time he comes over to my dad's house.  Hilarious.

My sisters and I and Austin went to look at Christmas lights, and Austin was still awake when we got back to his house.  I read him 'Twas the Night Before Christmas (so fun) and once he was asleep we played Santa and put all of his gifts under the tree.  The big one was a Hot Wheels ride on quad.  When my sisters and I were kids, "Santa" always left us a note next to the empty cookie plate, so I wrote Austin a note from Santa. I loved doing that part, because I wanted to carry on that tradition a little bit.

My sister woke up at 4:30 AM to do presents (since she had to work at 7) and Austin was ecstatic.  He loved everything he got, especially the quad, and within 5 minutes he was riding it around the house.  It was fun to see him so happy.  Jill and I spent the day with Austin, and it was pretty much just watching him ride around on his quad.  He really loves that thing, and he was especially excited when he figured out how to make it go backwards.  He kept telling us, "It has versery to make it go backwards!"  

So Christmas night I got my stuff all packed and ready to go, and the morning after Christmas my mom picked me up to take me to the bus.  There were some small errands to run first, and with about 20 minutes until my bus left I realized I had left my ticket at my sister's house.  (I am a genius).  I tried to reprint it at my mom's but apparently when Greyhound says they'll email you a copy of the ticket for "just in case" situations, what they really mean is that it's available for 15 minutes after you buy it.  So I was stuck in Kingman until a solution could be figured out.  We picked Austin up from daycare early and I spent the day baby sitting him (which is pretty much always awesome).  That at least was a good thing--more time with the little munchkin.

Plan B for getting home was to see if I could just change the time on my return ticket or get a refund and buy a new one.  No on both of those.  Plan C was to have my sister drive me up on the 27th when she took Austin's to his dad--but she didn't want to do that.  At that point I was really ready to get home so plan D was to buy an online ticket for the 12:30AM bus and leave that night.  But for whatever reason online purchasing wasn't available for that trip.  Plan E was to buy by phone, but the guy at the service center (out of Mumbai) insisted that the only Kingman serviced by Greyhound was Kingman, KS . . . so that didn't go well.  Finally, Jerbs talked to the guy at the Flag bus station, who said that I could get on the bus in Kingman and give the driver my ID and just pay for the ticket once I got to Flag--aka, Plan F.  I wasn't too happy with Plan F because it meant using my Christmas money for another bus ticket but I wanted to get home.

So my sister took me to the station and waited with me until the bus arrived (45 minutes late).  Once she left and they were boarding, I tried to give the driver my ID but he wouldn't take it . . . he just let me on the bus and told me to pay when I got to Flagstaff.  I was like, that's responsible.

And here's where the law breaking comes in.  I called for a cab when I was about 10 minutes out of town and when I got to the station, by the time I was off the bus with all my stuff I only ended up waiting about 30 seconds for my cab (and another cab from the same company who was there picking someone up let me wait in his car).  Once my cab was there I jumped in and was like let's go.  So yep, I skipped out on paying for my bus ride home.  

I honestly don't feel too bad about it, because I had a round trip ticket to begin with.  Two trips were paid for, two trips were taken, so it balances out.  And really, if they just let people on the bus without doing something to ensure that they pay . . . well, not my fault.  So I only kind of did something illegal.

All in all, it was a good visit home, and Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I'd expected it to be.  I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about Corey at all, but I most definitely wasn't dwelling on it.  I just enjoyed getting to see my family and Austin.  The end of the trip, obviously, was very stressful, but it worked out better than expected in the end.

And really, all that stress was worth it to see this handsome dude.

Despite having had a better Christmas than expected, and despite not being as depressed as I'd thought I'd be, I'm relieved the holidays are over, and that I have a whole year to prepare for the next holiday season.

Thanksgiving With Jerbs

Today I spent Thanksgiving with Jerbs.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day out--sunny and warmish, with a few white clouds in the sky.  Really just perfect weather.

We cooked beef stew in our slow cooker for our Thanksgiving dinner, since neither of us really wanted to invest in a turkey and it was just the two of us anyway.  We took a walk through the woods, to the gas station for snacks and drinks, since it was open.  We watched the rerun of the Macy's parade.  We ate our stew and Jerbs made pumpkin bars for dessert.

All in all not a bad day.

I never, ever would have thought I'd spend another Thanksgiving with Jerbs.  Last Thanksgiving, I wouldn't have pictured this as where I'd be a year later.

I thought I'd be a mess today.  I really did.  I was sure I wouldn't do well, thinking of . . . well, you know.  And yeah, I've had a few bad moments where my mind has wandered to Corey and wondered what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, but I've actually done SO MUCH BETTER than I thought I'd do.

I'm amazed.  Because really, I've just been . . . happy today.

I really.am.getting.better.  I am so thankful for that.  I'll probably write more about it later.

For now, I'm going to go play video games with Jerbs.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

A Difficult Day

Halloween was hard for me.

I just felt very depressed that day.  It felt so strange to be in Flagstaff and by myself on Halloween.  I know that sounds stupid because Halloween . . . not a terribly sentimental holiday.  But I'm sentimental about everything and . . . well.

Halloween 2010 fell on a Sunday, and I spent that weekend in Chinle with Corey and his family.  It was the first time I'd visited Chinle in my life, and it was only the second time I met his family.  It was a wonderful weekend; I fit in so well with his family and I felt so welcomed by them.  And Corey was thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to get to know his family.  Halloween night we built a fire and handed out candy and I was introduced to a good chunk of family friends, and it just made me so happy.  On the drive back to Flagstaff Corey asked me if I could see myself living in Chinle and I didn't hesitate to say yes; that night, back in Flagstaff when we were going to bed, he asked me to marry him.  He'd asked before ("for fun") and I always knew he meant it, but something about that particular night just felt even more so.  In a way I feel like that weekend was one of the ones that cemented our relationship.

Last year we spent Halloween in Kingman.  I baked sugar cookies shaped like ghosts and bats for his class, and after school we dressed up ourselves and Benji and went over to my mom's.  My mom lives in an area that's high traffic for trick or treaters (sidewalks, street lights, houses that are close together) and she usually gets about 300 kids.  My dad was there too, and of course my sister and Austin as Buzz Lightyear.  Corey and I handed out candy while my parents and sister took Austin out, and then we did a little trick or treating with Austin.  After all that Corey and I went home and watched Hocus Pocus and cuddled.

Halloween just feels like a milestone somehow and this year, we missed it.  It's not a happy though.  It makes me feel like shit.  And I just feel like if we missed this one we'll miss the rest of them too, and that it really is over.  And I'm sure people reading this might be like, it's been over, you idiot, but . . . well.  I'm not ready to give up hope yet, although this probably put me a little closer.

Halloween is also, at least in my opinion, the start of the holiday season--Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, etc.  Normally this is my favorite favorite favorite time of year.  I love it.  Normally I see all the Thanksgiving/Harvest and Christmas stuff at the store and get SO excited.  I think of all the things I want to do and decorations I want to put up.  I start looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting to put up a Christmas tree . . . and last year those experiences were amazing because I shared them with Corey and it made me happy.  And this year . . . I want to skip it all.

But I'll elaborate on that later.

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In other news I'm going to Kingman this weekend for Austin's birthday.  He'll be 4 on Monday and his party's on Sunday, and my sister (his mom) is coming up tomorrow to pick me up (which is awesome).  I'm so excited, because I want to see Austin and my family, and I promised Austin I'd be there for his birthday back in June.  When I was packing and getting ready to leave, he asked when I was coming back; I told him I didn't know but that I'd definitely be back for his birthday--it made him so happy, and I'm happy I get to keep that promise.

I'm also a little apprehensive about it, just because of how crushing the last trip there ended up being.  But this time, I'm going in with no expectations--in fact, I didn't even tell Corey I'm coming.  I'm sure there's a bit of my subconscious that hopes to see him but I'm really not expecting to.

We'll see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll enjoy myself better this time around.  Which I know I will, because my sister got a bounce house for Austin's party . . . hard to be sad in a bounce house!

Happy Halloween!!

Happy Halloween!!

On this day, just remember the true meaning of this holiday.

The day a child was born to remind us all not to raise an army of dead guys just because you can.