Trail Day!

So a week ago today, on the 11th, I got off work a little early and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.  It was almost 5:30 and I knew I had to pick Jerbs up from work at 7, so I didn't really want to drive all the way home and do nothing.  I also didn't feel like putting in time at job # 2 (I'd already been there during my lunch break).  I thought about hitting up the craft stores or something like that, but it didn't sound appealing either.  So I decided to go home, grab my dogs, and take them on a nice long walk.  And instead of just a boring walk around home, I decided I wanted to go out on one of the FUTS (Flagstaff Urban Trails System) trails.  I've been wanting to hike/explore Flag more, so I figured why the hell not?

I drove home, changed, got the dogs and some water, and we drove to Fox Glenn Park, which is where Fox Glenn Trail starts.  I left my phone and pedometer in the car, so I didn't take any pictures and I don't know how far we walked, but it was a lot of fun!  The trail was pretty flat and easy, and the scenery was beautiful.  The dogs really enjoyed themselves, especially Hollie, because there were lots of prairie dog/gopher holes along the trail for her to stick her face in.  (I swear, she's going to end up with the plague one of these days).  We actually only walked half the trail before we had to head back.  It was a good work out and it wore out the dogs, both things that make me happy.

So I decided to make it a weekly thing.  I went to city hall and got an official FUTS maps so I know where all the trails are and everything, and I bought a backpack so I could bring water and the dog's collapsible bowl and all that stuff with us.  

Today the dogs and I did part of Switzer Canyon Trail (which was not the trail I intended to do, I just suck at reading maps).  It was so pretty and again, the dogs got all worn out and I feel like I got a decent work out.  This time I remembered my pedometer AND my phone (camera), so I got some pictures and I know I walked 2.09 miles.

The trail.

The scenery along the way.

Besties.

Adventurous puppies.

 

Galinas Tank Trail Hike

I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but starting today I have a four day weekend from work.  The clinic is closed for Memorial Day on Monday, so I took today off to give myself a little mini vacation (I requested this off back in, like, February).  Initially my plan was to go down to Kingman to visit my family, but my sister is currently in Mexico and Austin is at his dad's house, so I decided to just chill out in Flagstaff.

By a random stroke of luck Jerbs also had today off (she did end up having to go in to work for a few hours but she was home by noon so it wasn't a big deal . . . plus her boss felt bad about her getting called in so now she's off tomorrow too!) so we decided to load up the dogs and go on a hike!

We set out to hike Bismark Lake Trail and find Bismark Lake.  We had directions but after awhile it became clear that they weren't completely accurate (we'd gone a lot further than the directions were said we were supposed to and still hadn't seen the turn off we were looking for), so we ended up just finding a random trail along Hart Prairie Road and hiking that.  It ended up being a really lovely hike.  The trail was easy and we had a beautiful view of the peaks in the distance and we were hiking through aspen trees.  About a mile in we found this abandoned/dilapidated old house off of the trail, which was really cool!  The trail skirted around this tall hill, and we decided to be intrepid and climb it; it was definitely a work out but worth it for the view!

The dogs, of course, had a fantastic time being off their leashes and running ahead of us on the trail.  Max surprised us by  being totally into it--he's not a very adventurous dogs and doesn't usually seem to care for long walks except to pee on things, but he was just all over the place today.  I was so proud of him!  He actually made it to the top of the hill first.  I'm glad to know I'll be able to take both of them out with me on more hikes this summer.

The view of the peaks from Hart Prairie Road on the drive out.

Aspen trees.

Aspen and flowers just off the trail we were on.

The front of the old house we found.

Stone steps ups to the front door.

The foundation of the old house.

The view through the front door from inside the house.
Because of course I went inside.

The house from the side.

The back of the house.

A view of the peaks from the hill we climbed, plus Hollie
looking very majestic.  Max is in there too, he's just blending in.

Max and Hollie were so worn out!  This was
roughly 10 minutes after we got back in the car.

After the hike we had lunch at Beaver Street Brewery and wandered around downtown for a little while.  All in all it was just a lovely day.  It made me feel very grateful that I live in such a beautiful place.  I'm looking forward to more summer adventures.

So

It's been 3 weeks since I wrote anything here.  I think that's the longest I've gone without blogging since I started back in 2012.

Honestly, the past few weeks have just been kind of a struggle.  Not consistently, it's been up and down.  Not to bipolar extremes but I've had some really good days and some not so great days.  In general, things just feel kind of off, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I think an internal struggle is finally resolving itself and while that's probably a good thing, it's kind of . . . off putting?  I'll write more about that part of it later.  For now, a general catch up.

It's getting warm out, and for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading summer like I usually do.  (We'll see how I feel about it 2 months from now, though).  It's actually kind of nice to be able to go outside and take the dogs on long walks and stuff.  Jerbs and I have been taking the dogs to the duck pond near our house; we let them run around without their leashes for a little while every time and it's hilarious.  Hollie loves to run and she's fast!  Max--who absolutely adores Hollie--actually gets scared of her sometimes when she's zooming around and trying to get him to join her.

But it's great having Hollie here.  Adopting her was definitely a great decision.  She's very well behaved and happy, and aside from some stomach issues (her stomach basically shrank from all the time she wasn't fed regularly, and now we have her on a feeding schedule to slowly expand it so she doesn't throw up), we've had a great time with her.  She's had a few accidents in the house but was mostly house broken when we got her, so that's awesome.  She knows how to sit now and she jumps in the car on her own when we go out.
 And most importantly, she's had an amazing effect on Max.  Seriously, he is like a whole new dog since we got her.  He's more confident (he even let a stranger pet him at Staples the other day!), he's happier, he's more playful, and he's better behaved.  In fact, we've been able to stop crating him when we're not home--we even disassembled his crate on Sunday.  It made me so happy.  We're also starting to leave off his bark collar when we're not home and it's going well.  I think with Hollie around he's too distracted to be anxious or destructive.  I love it.  The two of them play together all the time and it's hilarious.  Like I said, definitely a great decision.

My little April fitness challenge is going so so.  I'm not doing great but I'm doing OK.  Which is pretty typical for me when it comes to this stuff.  Last time I weighed myself (about a week ago) I had gained a pound and a half, but all my measurements (except arms) had gone down by at least a quarter inch, so that's good.  My work pants are fitting looser in the hips too, so that's nice.  Slow but steady.  I'm making small improvements as I feel able to.  I've definitely been drinking less soda and more water this month, and I've been trying new workout videos too.  And even on days when I've eaten fast food I've stayed under my MFP calorie limit, for the most part.  Weekends are still tricky but no big deal.  One thing I've really been working on lately is getting enough sleep, and that's been incredibly helpful.  Who knew that that 8 hours a night thing actually worked, right?  I never slept more than 6 hours a night in college and then after I graduated and got sick my sleep schedule was a complete and utter cluster fuck, so I honestly think I'm just now starting to figure out what works for me where that's concerned.

Work is good right now.  Busy and at times frustrating but good.  I feel like busy and sometimes frustrating is fairly normal for any job, so I think I'm doing well.  And really, the frustration is really passing.  When I find myself annoyed with a co-worker I'm usually over it like 10 minutes later.  So whatever.  I'm looking forward to May, because I get three paychecks (woohoo!!) and they'll be bigger because my gym membership is finally falling off in May.

I think that's about it.  For the moment, anyhow.

Christmas 2013

Oh, Christmas.  I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year.  I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again.  I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.

Mostly the petty arguing.  There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers.  Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know?  But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.

On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked.  I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early.  Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended.  We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe.  Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc.  (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin!  He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious).  After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her.  (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much).  It was fun, though.  It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together.  It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.

Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house.  That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights.  We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun.  There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.

After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition).  Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box.  This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy.  Like, his face fell.  It was upsetting.  Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes.  I mean, I know he's only 5 but still.  A little disheartening.

After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter.  When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc.  I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.

Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas.  He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet.  I just . . . I don't even really know how to say.  I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning.  He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know.  To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old.  I don't like it.  I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still.  I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas.  We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had.  And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees.  Austin's getting none of that.  No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys.  It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.  

But that's just me.  I'm not his mother.  And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.

He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.

After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night.  I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!

My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts.  I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like.  My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.

Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something.  He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling.  I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson.  I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.

It was nice to get home.  Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax.  I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.  

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today.  At all.  Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk.  Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk.  So I was a little off all day long.

But.  All in all I'd say this year was better than last year.  It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama.  It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year.  It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.

And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there.  I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him.  I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice.  I'm grateful that I got that.  I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days.  But that's for another post.

Goodnight!

K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday

This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.

I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us.  Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts.  The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless.  I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June.  Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing.  As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"

The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious.  Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks.  It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it.  Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice.  Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.

And then it was time for Austin's birthday party!  My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake.  It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him.  Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday.  Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.

Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare.  I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap.  By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise.  The look on his face when I walked in was amazing.  He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!"  And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!"  He was so excited.  We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt.  They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt.  It was just lovely.

Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave.  Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave.  It was pretty heart wrenching.  I hate hearing him cry.  I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard.  I just love him so much.

So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family.  This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.

I wish Austin could stay this age forever.  I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve.  But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.

An Adorable Mess

That's what Jerbs called me last night when I was getting all weepy and emotional about her leaving.  Because I'm . . . adorable, I guess.

Jerbs is gone.  I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix.  (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here.  Isn't that insane?)  I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home.  And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week.  Sigh.

Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing.  I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish).  Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.

Some of it is Jerbs leaving.

Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot.  I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly.  I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.

Some of it is Benji.  The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is.  I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain.  I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have.  It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know?  I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy.  I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him.  I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself.  I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense?  And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me.  In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive.  The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes.  It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy.  He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works!  I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?

Some of it is Max.  He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously.  It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.

Anyway.  That's that.  Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.

Lately

Like I said I haven't been much in a blogging mood lately but here's a general update.

Good Stuff:
--The car.  I love it.  It's awesome.  I need to post the whole story of how I ended up with it and some pictures soon.  It still doesn't have a name, though.
--I got insurance through work.  It's not super great insurance and has a high deductible but still, it's something.  And the thing about a deductible is that you get charged the insurance's allowed rates instead of the cash pay rate, so paying in full for my psych appointment last week meant paying half of what I usually pay.  So I'm not complaining.  (Although my name was misspelled on my insurance card, jerks).
--Physically I've been feeling a little better lately.  Still some days of low energy but overall better than before.
--Work is still going well.  I have my first evaluation tomorrow (my 90 day a little late) and that's nerve wracking but it also potentially means a raise, which would be nice.  Hopefully it goes well.
--Nice weather lately.  Not too warm but not cold (although my office is always freezing at work) and a nice breeze most of the time, plus some days of cloud cover.
--Max is doing really well.  He's gained a whole pound since we got him and he's almost 100% potty trained.  He's also just super cute and he gets protective of Benji.  It's adorable.
--I wrote an organizational plan for the apartment.  The lease is up at the end of July and I suggested we move to a 2 bedroom but Jerbs nixed that idea.  I told her that if we couldn't move, I wanted to do some deep cleaning/organizing here just to make it a little less cluttered and stuff.  I'm looking forward to doing that, even if Jerbs isn't.

Not Good Stuff
--I haven't been to the gym in like 3 weeks now.  I don't know why but I just . . . don't feel like it.  I can't even explain it, really, but it's frustrating.  I know the trick is to suck it up and just GO but for some reason I can't seem to do that.  I need to get back on track.  I'm hoping that having a car will help with that (ie knowing I'm not going to have to walk two miles in the process of getting home might make the idea of spending a half hour on the treadmill at lunch a little more appealing).  Plus with a car I can go to the gym on weekends, something I couldn't do before.
--Saturday it will have been one year to the day since Corey told me he didn't want to marry me, and I won't lie, I'm kind of a mess about that, for so many reasons.  I'm terrified of it, really, because this is the anniversary I've been dreading.  I honestly never believed we'd get to this point, yet here we are, and it's going to come and go and there's nothing I can do about it.  And Jerbs is out of town this weekend (doing PCC with the Flicks) so I'm all by myself and that doesn't really help.
--My boss announced that she'll more than likely be leaving in July and that's depressing, because I really like her.
--In general I have just felt kind of blah lately.  Like . . . I don't know.  Just really unmotivated, gym and otherwise.  I think I'm having trouble engaging right now, if that makes sense (which I'm pretty sure it doesn't but still).  I guess life right now feels really transitional; a lot of changes have happened since the beginning of the year and I feel like, in a way, I'm struggling to catch up.  Like the changes are happening faster than my mind can process them.  And even though they're good changes (for the most part), they're still scary.  And I definitely have a tendency to detach a little when I'm uncomfortable with changes.  But I'm working on it and I'm not worried.

That's about all I can think of for now.

Introducing Max

I'd like to introduce Max.  He's my new baby.

Full name: Maximillion Giffin . . . still working on a middle name!

I know, kind of out of the blue, right?

This whole thing started about a week and a half ago at work.  It was a Tuesday, and one of my co-workers was talking about how she'd rescued a dog over the weekend.  Basically, she had taken her kids down to Phoenix to visit their dad, and they'd gone to visit some friend/distant relative at their house.  In the backyard was Max and these two big pitbulls who'd obviously been trained to be mean pits, and they were picking on Max.  At one point my co-worker was in the house and heard a dog yelping in pain; she went outside and one of the pits had Max in his mouth, holding him by the hips.  He dropped Max when he saw her but then picked him up again, this time by the neck/head.  My co-worker and her friend wrestled him away from the pit, and she could tell when she touched him that he'd been neglected (ribs poking out, etc), so she basically dognapped him.  She said she couldn't leave him because she knew if she did he'd end up dead.

Well, the thing is, she's only allowed to have cats ate her place; she lives in rent controlled housing and has 4 kids so getting evicted//moving isn't really an option.  None of the no-kill shelters in town would take him (they only rescue from shelters now) and she didn't want to give him to a kill shelter because he's so skittish/scared, he'd never get adopted and would end up put down.

I asked Jerbs and initially I said we'd foster him, just keep him until he was ready for a new home.  Because I can't say no to rescues after Benji, and their stories were so similar . . . yeah.  The next day we took our lunches at the same time and I went home with her to meet Max.  Well, I fell in love.  He is so cute, and the way he acted reminded me SO much of Benji when I first had him.  At that point I pretty much knew I wasn't going to be his foster mom, I was going to be his forever mom.

He went to the vet and got neutered and his first round of shots this past Monday, and then spent the rest of the week recovering at my co-workers house.  A couple hours ago her and all the kids came by to drop him and his stuff off, and he's officially mine!  It was hard for them to let him go, though, which sucks but also shows how good of people they are . . . all of them have big hearts and I know that they'd have given Max a fantastic home if they could have.  (And can I just tell you that these 4 kids are amazing?  I was so happy to meet them, and I'm looking forward to spending time with them so they can see Max).  And I told the kids how I ended up with Benji and explained that he came from the same background as Max, and that seemed to put them at ease.

I'm definitely going to keep in touch; I promised them I'd text them pictures and stuff and I know that this summer we'll probably all take Max to the park together and stuff like that.  Like I said, this family is awesome, and I have no problem sharing Max with them.

It's definitely odd to have him home.  I didn't even know I wanted another dog--like it wasn't something I was even remotely thinking about--but I'm so excited to have Max!  I remember how cool it was to kind of watch Benji come out of his shell and lose that fear and abused attitude, and I'm happy I get to watch that again.  I really do believe that rescuing an animal is the only way to get a pet, because the work you put in is rewarded with a really unbelievable loyalty.  I am really looking forward to watching Max adjust to his new house and become a part of my little family.