Listening To My Body

I try to listen to my body.  It's generally a good thing.

And today my body, which is currently doing its monthly lady thing, said, "I'm tired, let's take a 4.5 hour nap after work."

Blech.

I hate wasting my evenings like that, I really do.  Especially since I did so well yesterday: no nap AND I worked out!

But at the same time, I used to be a raging psychopath on my period.  Like . . . I don't even know how to put in words.  Severe PMS and bipolar disorder are not a pretty combination.  Things were always bad back then but once a month they got way, way worse.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if the worst thing that happens to me during/around my period is that I have to take ridiculously long naps after work, I'll freaking take it!

Another Blah Week

Seriously.  WTF life?

This past week was another just blah kinda thing.  Last week it was my sleep schedule, but this week I don't know what was going on.  I was just exhausted all week.  Exhausted, kinda down, just blah and out of it.  It sucked.

I think it's a few things.  Stress at work, for one, because everything is changing and I don't like it.  I did move into my new office Friday after work, and I think that once I get into it and stuff it'll be fine, but I'm still stressed out about it.  I keep telling myself that regardless of who's doing what in my department there will always be something for me to do, that there is enough work to go around, and that whatever my duties end up being I will keep going to work because I like having a job.  Whenever I start to get really upset about it I make myself remember where I was last November/December--unemployed and desperately checking CraigsList/AZ Daily Sun/Monster every night and hoping that I'd see something that I could do and praying that someone would like what they saw on my resume and called me for an interview.  Those were not fun times and I don't miss it.  I'm also stressed because my one year eval should be coming up right around the corner here (technically it should have already happened) and I just want it to be done and over with.

Also money related stress lately.  I don't know why, because I don't actually have any major money problems at the moment.  Well, aside from not having a debit card (STILL), which is just its own kind of cluster F.  I just keep telling myself to relax.  I have two months this year where I'll get 3 paychecks, which will be helpful to save some, and I should have a decent tax refund coming up.  So really not much to worry about, but I do need to be, in general, better about managing my finances.

I did make a big purchase this weekend of a Polar FT 4 heart rate monitor to help me with my fitness goals.  I'm super excited to wear it tomorrow.  And really, if it helps me get healthy and reach my goals then it was worth what I paid for it.  (Here's where my bank is screwing me--I could have gotten it cheaper online but without my debit card I didn't have that option.  I had to buy locally, which isn't horrible, but still frustrating).

I also started taking a vitamin B complex supplement.  I'm hoping it will help me with my energy level, which, as I mentioned, was non existent this past week.  It already seems to be helping a bit (today, for example, was leaps and bounds better than every other day this week).

Some of this is my lady parts, too, because *that* should be right around the corner.  Blech.

But I'm staying optimistic.  New week, fresh start, all that crap, right?

Today

I went to the gym.  It was crowded and my legs are suuuuper mad at me but it also felt good to get back to it.  I hadn't been to the gym since (I think) October.  Shameful.  So I'm pretty dang proud of myself for going.

I'm less proud of myself for the nap I took after work.  I had every intention of staying awake like I should but . . . sometimes (most of the time) I just can't resist.

And I also cut my thumb open with my mail opener at work.  It bled through the Band-Aid I put on it and was generally pretty gross.  I have been joking for the past year that I was going to end up injuring myself with that thing, and all my co-workers were convinced it was too blunt and thus impossible.  Well, I proved them wrong.  Because I'm just that freaking awesome.

Did I Mention I Had A Baby?

Obviously I didn't actually have a baby.

But last night I dreamt very, very vividly that I did.  And I wasn't happy about it.  I kept looking at the baby in my dream and wondering how in the hell it had happened, and then being overcome with anxiety at the thought of moving to Seattle with the baby (because apparently the baby's father and I had moving plans), and I think I asked my mom if she would keep it.  (I'm saying it because it wasn't clear in the dream whether it was a boy or a girl . . . the baby's dad in my dream was also not clear, just some random character my head invented . . . none of my exes, none of my guy friends).  In my dream I had apparently never mentioned my pregnancy or the fact that I gave birth on my blog, and I decided that I probably should, and I titled the dream post "Did I Mention I Had A Baby?".  

Weird.  So weird.  And so freaking vivid that I woke up at the very edge of a full on anxiety attack, and it took me a second to come back and remember that I am childless, at which point I was just immensely relieved.

I blame this on the blog I was reading just before I went to bed.

In other news, I have had a lovely 3 day weekend.  I've made a lot of progress on my massive cleaning/organizing plan for the apartment and it's starting to look less cluttered and disorganized now.  I also haven't worn real pants or brushed my hair since Friday.  Glorious.

Last week wasn't great.  I went on kind of a food bender last week.  It was bad.  I think it had a lot to do with my sleep schedule, which was effed up all week long.  Last Sunday night I couldn't sleep, and tossed and turned until almost 3 AM, which of course led to a nap after work, which led to staying up too late again, and so on and so forth.  So I was basically tired all week.  And then there was all the stress and whatnot at work, and in my head the best cure for stress is CALORIES so . . . yeah.  Failure all around last week.

So I'm looking forward to this week, because tomorrow is already Tuesday, and Friday is payday, and since I ate so much fast food last week I still have a shit load of groceries left, so I'm good for this week.  I'm confident I'm going to kick ass food/fitness wise this week.

Also, my whole house is clean.  Which is always a good way to start the week.

And I'm feeling better about the work stuff I talked about last time I posted.  I'm actually starting to get really excited about moving to my office.  It'll be a nice change of pace.  I'm also confident that things will work out workload wise the way I want them to.  Here's hoping, anyway.

And with that, I need to go finish up my laundry.

Work Related Frustrations

I said before that things were kind of shaking up a little at work.  When I wrote that here, the shake ups were on the clinical side of things--i.e., not really anything that was going to impact my day to day very much.  So I was taking it in stride, NBD, whatever.

Well.

Remember the co-worker I've talked about on here before who was going to leave, then wasn't, then was, then wasn't?  We found out yesterday that she officially gave her two week notice on the tenth.  Apparently it's a for real this time kinda thing so her last day is the 24th.  That part I'm not so upset about.  I like this co-worker, and I'm sure we'll stay in touch, but if anyone needs a break, it's most definitely her.  I think it'll be good for her.

So one of the girls who currently works at the front desk is moving back to billing.  Which, frankly, I don't think is necessary.  I'm pretty anxious about this.  I feel like, right now, I hardly have enough work to do as it is, and I'm terrified of losing any of my workload.  This girl will really just be taking over the stuff that the leaving co-worker's doing now, but still.

Plus I've been convinced that it would be best for me to give up my desk for the new girl and move to a different office/work space.  I'm not thrilled about that.  I genuinely love my tiny, weird little workspace, and I don't want to leave it.  I don't.  But at the same time . . . I guess it's kind of a choose your battle thing, and this is one of those opportunities to be the bigger person.

And honestly, my job is going to be the same wherever I work from, so I suppose that in the long run it's not a big deal.

And I've made it clear that I want to take over BCBS.  That was part of the plan when this co-worker was originally leaving, and honestly, the best two weeks of work I've had were when she was gone and I was doing that.  I stayed busy, my days went by fast, and I like that.  I function best when I'm busy.

So really, it'll be fine.  As long as I can keep Medicare, get BCBS, and keep my mail duties, I'll be happy.  And as long as I can take my computer with me . . . I like my screens and I've got everything set up how I want it, so I don't see moving it as a big deal.

I just hate not knowing exactly what's going to happen.  I like knowing what's going on.  I'd feel better if I could move my office tomorrow, but I have another week.5 until that happens.  I guess I just prefer things being settled, and having someone new coming in is a shake up that I've never had to deal with.

Really, my biggest fear is ending up hating my job.  I like loving my job.  I do.  I don't want to go back to dreading going to work like I have at jobs in the past.

I know I need to just play it by ear and take it as it comes because stressing about it isn't going to do me any good.

So Far, So Good

I know we're only 8 days in but so far, 2014 is going pretty well for me.

Minus the fact that I had to call in sick on 01.02.14, aka the very first work day of the entire year.  I was not pleased.  Fortunately I have an understanding boss but it sucked.

And also minus the fact that I'm currently without a debit card.  That one's kind of a long story.

But aside from that.

Physical Health: I am actually kind of killing it in this area right now.  I'm doing awesome food wise, and I've been consistently at or under my calorie goal almost every day since the first.  And I've only eaten fast food 3 times so far this year!  I know that 5/8 days without fast food isn't terribly impressive but for me it's pretty big.  And like I said, I know we're only 8 days into the year, but I really feel like I can finally do this.  I haven't found the motivation to go to the gym yet this year, though.  It's not that I don't want to work out, because I do, it's that I just literally don't want to go to the gym.  I just don't want to be there.  I don't know why, because I like my gym.  But I am hoping to start doing weekly yoga next week, so we'll see how that goes.

I did work out tonight, though.  A few nights ago Jerbs showed me how I can plug the laptop into the TV, so tonight I did that and found a cardio video on YouTube and just did that.  I felt like an idiot, because I've never been a huge fan of at home workout videos, but it got my heart rate up and that's what's important, right?  It involved a lot of jumping jacks and my legs are not happy with me . . . blech.  But I'm taking it slow and I feel like, in a month, I'll be able to do the whole video.  Little steps.

Mental Health: Is good!  I'm still working on finding a new doctor, and I actually really need to get on it, it's just difficult.  Plus there really aren't many psychiatrists in town who aren't either at the hospital (and don't see private patients), The Guidance Center (which only sees AHCCCS patients), or my old doctor's office.  I did not realize that until I started googling.  So it's going to be a process.  But I've got plenty of medicine and my mood's fine so I'm really not all that worried.

Work: Is awesome.  I'm almost to my one year anniversary and I've started to feel very confident and competent.  I love it.  I honestly feel like I get a little better everyday.  Things are in the process of getting very shaken up but I think we'll all be fine.  (And yes, that was deliberately vague).

So life is just good right now.  I'm happy, I feel healthy, new episodes of Sherlock finally started airing . . . really I can't complain!

I do have more serious things to write about (just kind of need to sort them out kinda stuff) but that's for later.  For the moment I just wanted to share that things are awesome!

Weigh In # 1 (2014)

Weight: 193 pounds

I know I said I wasn't going to be able to weigh in on the first, but then my body changed its mind about some other stuff so . . . yep.  Here I am, weighing in on the first.  I also took all of my measurements so . . . yep.  I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well and can't really think of much more to say than that.