Thankful Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for so many things, but today, I'm especially thankful for my mental health.

I don't even know how to put into words how good it feels to be mentally healthy.  I really don't.  Getting to this point, where I am healthy and normal and genuinely happy with my life has truly been the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I think I wrote about this a little bit last November, when I was just starting to see and feel some improvement, but at that time I never imagined how far I would end up coming.  I didn't think I would end up doing this well; I didn't think I would end up this happy.

I didn't get here on my own, though, and I'm so very thankful for all the people who've helped me.

I'm thankful for my family and Jerbs, who have just always been there, who witnessed the crazy firsthand, who had to calm me down over and over again, and who loved me anyway.  Jerbs probably saw the most of it, since she lived with me through years of it, and I can't count how many times she took away sharp things and pills so I couldn't hurt myself or tucked me into bed and rubbed my back until I fell asleep or how many times she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself.  I'd probably be dead without her.  And both she and my family helped a lot with the financial aspect of the treatment, for which I'm very grateful.

I'm thankful for Corey.  Even with all of the heart ache that was the end result of that relationship, and even though he's no longer a part of my life and never will be again, I'm thankful to him for pushing me to get treatment and for finding the first doctor who ever actually helped me.

I'm thankful for Dr. Wright, who actually listened to me and made a correct diagnosis and started me on the treatment that helped me.

I'm thankful for all the various friends who've been there at one point or another, who have had kind words or a shoulder to cry on at the times I've needed.  These people know who they are, and I adore them.

I'm thankful for my MHC co-workers, because it was refreshing to go into a place where nobody knew about my issues, who just treated me like a normal person.  And it was even more refreshing that, when I did eventually tell them about it, they reacted with complete shock.  Most of them said they never would have guessed there was anything like that going on with me, and it was amazing to hear that.

So that's that.  Now I'm off to have some Thanksgiving dinner/lunch/whatever (courtesy of Sprouts) with Jerbs!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

--My job.  This is a really big one this year, because last year at this time I was unemployed and terrified that I'd never find a job.  And now I have a job that I love, with great co-workers, and I make enough money to support myself.  It's truly one of the best things that's happened to me since I came back to Flagstaff, for so many reasons.  I can say without a doubt that it helped tremendously with my mental health issues.  I feel so much better about myself now that I've got a job where I do well and am actually kind of important, and now that I don't have to depend on Jerbs so much.  It makes me feel very accomplished and happy.  Having a fixed schedule has also helped a lot, just in general.  Before, when I worked at Hastings and then when I wasn't working, I always stayed up too late and then slept too late and just felt off as far as how my days went, if that makes sense.  My work schedule has helped a lot with that.  I am just so incredibly grateful for MHC because I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be.  Plus the experience and skills I'm getting at this job will always be useful and will definitely help me get a job when I move out of AZ.  It's just a win win win for me, and like I said, I'm grateful for it, everyday.

--My car.  This is also a big one.  Having a car has been awesome.  Obviously it's made life a little easier in that it's convenient to be able to do things on my schedule and to be able to grocery shop without having to think about how much I can carry home.  And of course it's nice to not have to hike through snow in the freezing cold to get to the bus.  But even more than that I feel like my car is a really big symbol of my independence and how far I've come.  I bought that car by myself.  My mom did help with the down payment a little but I paid her back really fast, so I really did buy it with my own money.  And my own credit.  It's the first car that's ever been in just MY name, and I am so freaking proud of that!  Buying it was an accomplishment.

--Music education.  I know this is kind of a random one but it's something that I was thinking of the other day.  Art programs of all kinds are always the first things to go when schools need to save money and that's heart breaking.  I feel like the arts are absolutely essential to a well rounded education.  I started in band when I was in 5th grade and I played in ensembles all the way through college, plus I joined a band sorority, where I made some of the best friends I've ever had.  I'm very thankful that my parents always encouraged me to pursue music and that they thought it was just as important as math and English and science.  I genuinely feel like it made me smarter, and I know it played a huge role in making me who I am today.

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for:

--My friends from college.  I didn't make it out of college with a huge social group, because I was super antisocial.  In retrospect it was probably undiagnosed bipolar disorder that made me that way but regardless of the reason, that's what happened.  Even though I don't have a lot of friends from my college days, the ones I do have--Theresa and B in particular--are pretty freaking amazing, and I'm very grateful for them.

--My furkids!  Benji especially, because he's been my little buddy for 6.5 years now, and because he gave me something to focus on when I was sick and by myself.  I just love him so much, and I hope that he has some good years left with me.  And then there's Max, who's a hand full and at times a gigantic pain in the ass, but who's growing on me.  Even if Benji's my favorite, I'm very very glad that I was able to adopt Max and give him a happy forever home.  It's been very gratifying to watch him go from being shy and scared and skinny to playful and brave and fluffy.  He's really a very sweet dog, he's just been a bit much to get used to.  He's very dog like--he chews on bones and rips up toys and runs around the house and sticks his head out the car window when we drive and lives to go on walks.  And Benji, even at his healthiest, was more like an indoor cat; he's always preferred to be inside and just chilling on the couch.  But they make good brothers, and that makes me happy.  I'm even thankful for Jerbs' cats, because even though they drive me nuts sometimes they're sweet in their own way.  And they make Jerbs happy, which also makes me happy.

--This blog, still.  Because it's a great outlet for me and I like knowing that someday I'll be able to look back at all of this, or that someday my nephew might read it and get to know his Auntica a little bit better.  And because I want it to serve as a resource or an inspiration for other people suffering from mental illness, because I really would love nothing more than to help them.

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for . . .

--My family.  Of course this goes without saying and I'm always grateful for them, but when I think of being thankful, they're my first thought.  This past weekend's visit to Kingman was a good reminder of this.  I'm thankful to my mom and dad for just generally being very loving and supportive parents.  I'm thankful that I get to see them as grandparents, because it really is one of the most amazing things to watch.  I'm thankful for my sisters: Jenny because she's an inspiration in that she balances being a single mom and an amazing RN, and because I'm just so proud of her, and Jillian because she's the only person in my family I can really talk to about artistic pursuits (which is why she's one of my beta readers for my writing, always).  And this year I'm especially thankful for Austin, because he's just at such a great, fun age, and I literally can't be anything but happy when I'm around him.

--Jerbs.  Oh Jerbs.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's such an integral part of my life that I don't even know how to put it into words, really.  I'm glad I don't have to live alone, and I'm glad to have her as a friend.  I'm glad she's been such a tremendous support system through both recovering from my mental issues and my breakup.  When it comes to those things I don't know what I'd have done without her.

That's it for today!  More next Thursday!

Thankful Thursday: Last One!

One more Thankful Thursday for this year.

I'm thankful for my blog.  I know that sounds weird, but it's been a huge help in getting better.  It's nice to have a place to record my progress as well as just record my life at the moment.  I blogged all through college and for a few years after, and I've almost always kept a diary--but over the past couple years as I got sick I pretty much stopped.  I didn't realize how much I missed it.

I'm also thankful for being better.  I never imagined I'd actually get to a point where I believed I was better, and it's so awesome.

Thankful Thursday: Miscellaneous

I'm thankful for psychiatric medication.  I know that sounds like a bad joke this time of year but it's true.  Without the medication I take, I would be exactly where I was 3 years ago, and even though my life is far, far from perfect, I know I'm better off now than I was then.  And I'm not just thankful for the drugs.  I'm also thankful that I live in a time and a place where there are people who can test for and diagnose what I have.  I'm thankful that what I have has been extensively researched and therefore has a known treatment.

I'm thankful that even without insurance I have a family and friends who've all pitched in to get me the help I've needed.

I'm thankful for my education, and I wouldn't change it.  I think education is always a good thing.  And even though right now, no, I'm not using my degree in a particular job, I'm still glad to have it.  And I have no doubt that once I'm back on my feet (and probably out of AZ) I'll be able to put it to very good use.  Even if I spend the rest of my life in an unrelated career, I studied something I love, and I'm not sorry for that.  Not in the least.

I'm thankful for Jerbs' cats, Irene and Ilya, and of course for Benji.  They just make life better and I'm glad to have pets.

I'm thankful for the bus system.  If I had a choice I'd have a car, no question, but if the bus system didn't exist I'd be screwed.  And I really don't mind taking the bus.  Sometimes it's inconvenient but still, better than some alternatives.  And there are some really fantastic bus drivers we get to meet, and that makes it OK.

I'm thankful for the diversity of the people I know, both in real life and through blogging.  I have friends who are Mormons and friends who are anarchists and friends who are Christians, I have married friends and single friends and widowed friends and divorced friends, I have friends who struggle with infertility and friends who have 5 kids, I have friends who are politically conservative and friends who are politically liberal, I have friends who are gay and straight and trans . . . and it amazes me.  I'm grateful for all of the different views and ideas and lifestyles I've been exposed to through my friends.  So whoever you're are, if you're reading this, keep doin' what you're doin', because you're awesome for it.

Thankful Thursday . . . or Saturday: Jerbs

I know it's Saturday.  I wasn't in a blogging mood on Thursday.  Or at least not in a blogging about good things mood.

Today I'm thankful for Jerbs.  She is pretty much the most amazing person I know, and I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's my roommate and my best friend AND my ex girlfriend, which I know is kinda weird . . . but somehow we're able to have a fantastic relationship even as exes.

We've known each other for 15 years now, because we had mutual friends in junior high.  Honestly, if you met her and me separately, you'd probably never, ever, ever imagine us as good friends, because in a lot of ways we're night and day, but somehow we work.  We hung out a lot in high school, and near the end of our senior year we started becoming close friends.  Fall of 2003 I went to NAU and she stayed in Kingman; then spring 2004 she went to NAU and I moved back to Kingman.  Summer of 2004 was when we kinda sorta started dating.  It was the fall of 2004 that we became roommates at NAU and started seeing each other more officially.  We broke up in June of 2009 and continued to live together until I moved away with Corey.

Those are the basics.  But really . . . she's awesome.

She's a genius.  Like actually, really, seriously a genius.  She knows pretty much everything and I hate watching Jeopardy with her, because she'll say the answer while I'm still reading the question.  Her fields are anthropology and theology.

Kind of a goth.

Least athletic person you'll ever meet.  Both as far as being an athlete and watching athletics.  I'm a football girl, and when I told her the season was starting in September, she asked what teams were playing that week.  I was like . . . all of them?  And she was totally confused because she thought only two teams played a week.  Hilarious.

Had no idea the Sound of Music involved Nazis until pretty recently.  Another hilarious conversation in which I actually knew more than she did.

She is incredibly supportive of me, and even before we were lovahs, I always felt like she . . . I don't know, like she liked me.  She has always seemed to think that I am a good person, even if I don't agree with her.  She also has never made me feel judged.  Even when I'm talking about how crappy things are or something I want to do that I'm struggling with or making decisions that might not be the best, she just listens.  I have never once felt like she was judging me at all.

She is very generous and has supported me financially when I haven't been able to support myself, and that amazes me.  I love her dearly for that, and I swear, one day, I am going to pay her back every.single.penny. Even if it takes me a while, I'm determined to do so.

She's my RENT buddy.  We saw RENT together in high school in Las Vegas (on a school trip) and then again at Gammage in 2009.  The 2009 tour had the two main characters being played by the role originators, and it was AMAZING.

She loves to sing, just like I do, even though neither of us is particularly awesome at it.  All the years we lived together and had a car, we'd sing musicals together while we drove.  And we had our own parts in each musical, too . . . totally one of the things I miss most about having a car.

Animal lover.  She always insisted she was a dog person, but now she owns (and dotes on) two cats.  They're Russian Blues, because Jerbs is actually allergic to cats.  RB's are a hypoallergenic breed and in the almost three years since we adopted the first one (she was supposed to be my cat, but she chose Jerbs) she hasn't had any kind of reaction.  It's amazing.  I knew she was a cat person deep down.

Because of her I've been to 2 Morrissey concerts (Pasadena and Vegas, and in Vegas we were in the pit) and a Sisters of Mercy concert.  The Sisters of Mercy one was especially amusing, because they're a goth metal band and I . . . am not a goth metal person.  All the other people there were wearing Doc Martens that had like a million laces, and it was hilarious to watch them undo them all for security screenings.  Meanwhile I just slipped out of my little brown loafers!  I was also wearing pink socks and a bright Dr. Pepper T shirt and I was SO out of place.  Jerbs braved the very violent mosh pit for the whoooooole concert.  I lasted approximately 2 minutes and then spent the rest of the night sitting by the wall.  It was ridiculous, but I seriously had never seen Jerbs so excited about anything, and it made me really happy.

Austin calls her Auntie Jerbs and he loves her.

We've watched a lot of TV shows together.  Some are total guilty pleasures--like America's Next Top Model (we were so addicted in college) and Toddlers and Tiaras.  Some are more normal, like Taboo and LOST.

We've been to Comic Con together!  It was a long time ago (2004) and sadly we haven't been able to go back since.  It was a 24 hour trip (which meant me driving from CA to AZ on zero sleep).  We drove 6 hours there, spent 12 hours in San Diego, and drove 6 hours back.  It was beyond exhausting but we had so much fun!  We would love to go back.  Soon.

At that Comic Con, our favorite author (or one of them), Neil Gaiman, was there.  And because of the volume of people to see him, only people who won arm bands got to actually get stuff signed by him.  I got a band and Jerbs didn't and I felt awful, because she'd been a fan longer and had introduced me to his work and stuff . . . but she wouldn't let me give her the band.  I met Neil and got some stuff signed and chatted with him, and it was awesome.  (I did get something signed for Jerbs).

Fortunately, in November 2008, the day after Austin was born, Neil did a signing/reading in Vegas and we got to go to that.  This time, Jerbs did get to talk to Neil, and they had a good conversation.  I felt like it made up for Comic Con a little.

She has literally saved my life.  She has literally taken away the bottle of pills I wanted to swallow or the knife I was going to slit my wrists with.  I'm not proud of having come so close to attempting suicide but I'm glad she was there to stop me.

There's more I 'm sure but I can't think of it all right now.  Let's just say I really love Jerbs and would be totally lost without her.  Especially right now.

And no, her name is not actually Jerbs.  It's Jenny, Jerbs is just a  random nickname I gave her.  And there is a semi logical path to it.  Plus it makes it easy to distinguish her from my sister Jenny when I talk about them.

Thankful Thursday: My Family

Lately my Facebook has been blowing up with people posting something for which they're thankful daily for the month of November.  I wanted to do something gratitude inspired for this month but I'm not really up to a daily thing, so I decided on a weekly thing instead.  So I give you Thankful Thursday.  And yes, I know I missed a week, but whatever.  Maybe I'll do an extra one at some point.

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Today I'm thankful for my family, because they are awesome.  My family definitely has their faults, like all people do, but I love them dearly.  My family consists of . . . 

My Dad

--One of the funniest people I know, whose sense of humor is close to mine.

--Spent two decades of his life getting up every day and going to a job he hated because he had a family to support.  To me, that's heroic.

--Built most of the house we lived in on LeRoy.

--Fond of giving people nicknames.  Most of my and my sister's friends had nicknames from him growing up.  He calls me Other Left, because I've always had a problem telling my right from my left.

--Die hard Steelers fan.  That's why I cheer for the Steelers--it's pretty much in my blood.

--Amateur mechanic who spent a lot of time fixing things on my POS first car.

--I've been told that while I look like my mom, I have my dad's eyes.  I also inherited his temperament . . . and his temper.  (Not that he's an angry person, we just tend to get pissed off the same way).

--The person I've gone to more and more for advice as I've gotten older, because I think a lot like my dad.  Up until college I was always closer to my mom, and while I'm still close to her, I feel like my dad is more a confidant for me now.  

--Always asks how I'm doing with my mental illness treatment, which is amazing.  My dad really doesn't get the whole bipolar thing.  I'm not saying he's stupid by any means, he just doesn't really understand why it happens to some people and how it's diagnosed, since there's really no concrete test, y'know?  When my mom dealt with depression/anxiety a long time ago, he kind of detached.  When I dealt with it he did the same thing.  But now he asks about it regularly, asks if I'm taking my medicine and stuff, and I love that he's trying harder to understand it.  It means so much to me.

--He came to every NAU Homecoming game from 2003--2009.  And in all the times I've moved, there's only been one he hasn't helped with.

--He is an amazing grandfather to Austin, and I love seeing him in that role.  And it's clear how much Austin loves him.  Austin calls him BoBo . . . we don't know why, but he does.

My Mom

--Probably the most generous, giving, selfless person I've ever known or will ever know.  She has always gone above and beyond to help people, whether they're friends or strangers.  I haven't done as much of her but I feel a strong drive in me to give and give back whenever I can, and I know that comes from watching her.

--Extreme couponner.  Not as extreme as the ones you see on TV but still pretty extreme.  That's one of the reasons she's so giving--whenever she buys a ton of food, she gives most of it away.  

--She donated a giant box of fruit snacks to Grace Place, the after school program that Corey's mom runs through his family's church in Chinle.  Everyone out there was thrilled and touched, and I loved that our families connected through her.

--But I will say that as a result of always being stocked up on something as a kid, there are some foods I just ate way too much of back then and can't eat now.

--Cleveland Browns fan.  It was kind of a big deal when they played the Steelers in my house.

--Started working at my school as a lunch lady when I started first grade.  I had some separation anxiety and I used to cry when I'd see her at lunch.

--Used to make me peanut butter and butter sandwiches, the logic being that the butter would keep the peanut butter from every choking me.  It was disgusting, and just remembering that taste makes me cringe.  (No offense, mom!)

--Huuuuuuuge band geek when she was in high school.  She played just about everything but was primarily a flute player.  She's the reason I couldn't wait to join band and why I love music.  I'm grateful for that, because music has shaped a lot of the best experiences in my life.  Plus I know she's proud of me for being a musician, and I love that she understands the significance of it.

--Passionately in love with Jon Bon Jovi.

--She is an incredible grandmother to Austin.  I've never seen anyone so doting, and it's really sweet.  Just like with my dad, I love seeing her as a grandparent.  And Austin is very attached to her; I swear he asks at least once every time I see him if we can go to her house.  Austin calls her Grandma.

My Younger Sister (Jenny)

--Three and a half years younger than I am.  She graduated high school a year early, which I think is super cool.

--I hated her when she was born, because I definitely did not want a little sister.

--She called me Sister for the longest time, and I actually had trouble adjusting when she finally started using my name.

--We wore matching outfits on every holiday.  We also fought horribly as kids.

--She was a cheer leader--the polar opposite of a band geek like me.

--Has gone through a lot the last few years, especially with Austin, but has handled it all well and in a positive way.  I admire that greatly.

--Aspired to be a nurse, and worked first as a CNA.

--She found out she was pregnant just before she found out she'd been accepted to nursing school.  She started nursing school pregnant and gave birth before her first semester was over, and still finished that semester with good grades.  I can't even say how amazing I think that is, because I know I could never have done birth.

--In May of 2010, graduated with her nursing degree and officially became an R.N.  I was and am so proud of her, and going to her pinning ceremony was a fantastic experience.

--Now she works as an R.N. in the ER at KRMC--the hospital where we were all born, and where Austin was born.  She loves her job and is truly passionate about it, and from what I've heard, she makes an amazing nurse.  I'm glad she found her calling in life.

--A great mom to Austin.  The two of them love each other so much.  It has been both strange and amazing to see my sister as a mother.  That's not really something you think about growing up together--that you'll always be sisters and you'll see each other go through some tremendous changes in life.  But still, it's a beautiful thing.

My Younger Younger Sister (Jillian)

--Eight years younger than me, almost exactly.  She was born 2 days after my 8th birthday.  I didn't really mind her . . . Jenny wasn't happy though.

--She is a lot more like me than Jenny is, and I think some of that has to do with being the same star signs.  She's an artistic and literary person and a critical thinker, like me.  I just think that's interesting because of our close birthdays.

--I used to pick her up from school in high school, and I always thought that was cool.  We also shared a room for quite a few years as kids.

--Once when she was a toddler she got mad at me and ripped her Barney poster off the wall.  It was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen.

--She is probably the most tech savvy person in our family, probably because she's the youngest.

--Interested in photography, which I think would be a really cool/good career choice for her.

--She's a very smart girl, and I think she has a bright, bright future ahead of her if she puts her mind to it and chooses what she wants to do with her life.  (She's like me and has too many interests to really settle on a career/school choice).

--An awesome aunt to Austin.  He calls her Auntie and loves to hang out with her when he's at my mom's house.

Austin

--The most awesome and adorable 4 year old on the whole planet in my opinion.  I'm happy to have him around and I'm excited to watch him grow up.