Confessions & Some Self Shaming

For the past week or so, I have felt compelled to think about, in great detail, some of my worst behavior during my relationship with Ex-Fiance.  Some of the meanest and most ridiculous things I said and did to him that ultimately contributed to our relationship ending.

I honestly believe that recognizing these things and seeing them from a more mentally healthy perspective is something that I was meant to do during this time of self improvement.  I needed to realize that I was truly horrible, and not just here and there, but over and over and over again.  And I think I finally have.  I mean, objectively, I've always known that I wasn't the best girlfriend/fiance but I feel like for the first time, I've seen it through something closer to his eyes.  And it's not pleasant.  Not in the least.  I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Since I finally feel like I get it, I thought a way to make peace with it, in some way, would be to put it out there.  To get it off my chest.  Let people know that I'm horrible.  I think it's a really concrete way of acknowledging how wrong I was and admitting to my mistakes.  The worst things are tied to very private matters so I won't share those out loud . . . but these are some of the worst of the shareable ones.
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If I wanted to have sex and he didn't, I freaked out and gave him the silent treatment.  He told me at one point that he was afraid to say no.  (This got better once we lived together but still).

Once in Kingman, Gatsby, one of our cats, peed in my bathroom sink.  And instead of calmly cleaning it out I completely melted down, and screamed and cried and caused a huge fight.

Moving to Kingman and being in a new place was hard on me, and I would often stay up crying, go out driving when we had no gas in the car, etc.

I routinely made plans to leave him in my head.  When we came back to Flag a few weeks after we moved to help Jerbs move I told her beforehand that I was staying with her.  Then in November I did the same thing, and planned to leave.

When I wasn't planning to leave I'd threaten to move into the NERD room (our spare bedroom).  Once I started throwing my clothes in there while bawling . . . don't even remember why.

Once when we were first in Kingman we went to see a movie at the theatre in Laughlin.  All was good and fine and we were having a nice time until Ex-Fiance didn't offer to buy/ask me if I wanted a drink or popcorn or anything.  I didn't speak to him during the movie and I spent the whole time thinking about how inconsiderate and horrible he was.  I was a total bitch as we were leaving too.

When he lived in Chinle and I lived in Flagstaff, I routinely insinuated that I didn't know if a long distance thing was worth it.  I also would frequently--and really for no reason--stop speaking to him.  Just ignore his calls and texts altogether.  There really was never a reason for it.

I'd say nasty things online about him.  Specifically on Twitter.  I'd tweet about being disappointed in him and stuff and he'd always end up seeing it--it was so hurtful and awful of me.

The summer he lived with Jerbs and me and worked at Office Max, I'd always be in a bad mood when he came home.  And I never understood why because all day I'd miss him and look forward to him coming home, then he'd get there and I'd totally shut down, and either lash out at him or completely ignore him.

There's a lot more, but some of it's private and also, I'm just kind of making myself sick writing these down.  Suffice it to say I was pretty damn awful.
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Yep.  That was me.  That was what Ex-Fiance put up with almost every single day.  I'm not saying we didn't have some genuinely good times, because we definitely did.  We definitely definitely did.  But still, I was never very good.

There really is no excuse for all of that behavior.  I think my mind was just such a mess over being in a relationship and things changing that it completely rebelled and the mental illness constantly tried to sabotage the thing that could have made me better.  Not that that is in any way a defense.

What I can say now is that I look back on those things, and I truly feel like I do not recognize that person.  I do not know the girl who did those things, who acted that way.  I remember, though, how that girl's head felt, and I shudder at the thought of what a freaking mess I was.

And I can say, too, that I'm better now.  That I am profoundly different from who I was then.  Mentally I am functioning in a completely different, much better way.  My thought processes are not remotely the same.  Sure, I still have my bad days, but my worst now hasn't been as bad as I was then.  With consistent treatment (Lithium/Paxil) and some breathing room, I have truly gotten better.  I know that people (Jerbs and my family) can see a positive difference in me, but I can't even begin to describe the complete change within my mind.  It's amazing.

I know that the now me would never, ever do those things within a relationship.  I really do.  And I know that if I were to get a second chance, I would be so grateful.

Either way, I will use this as a learning experience.  What I've learned is how not to act in a relationship you expect to succeed, and how very important it is to stick to my treatment, because it does really help.  I've learned not to take love for granted.

And should I decide I don't want to be single forever, I know that I'll be able to be mentally healthy for my next partner, and that I'll be able to be a kind, comforting, stable partner for them.

And even if I do stay single, I am now mentally healthy for myself.  And I know now how much better I can be when I'm healthy.  That's the most important thing, I think.  Before I've always used others as the inspiration to get better (my family, Austin, Jerbs, and of course, Ex-Fiance) but now I want to get better and stay better for myself.

Struggles and Stuff

I now know for sure that my full body soreness is just from my POS air bed.  For the past few weeks Jerbs has been offering to let me have her bed for a night and I keep declining because . . . I don't really know.  This morning I woke up as she was leaving, and I felt like crap.  I was so sore, and I'd slept maybe 2 hours the whole night, so I figured, what the hell.  I threw her blankets and pillows on my bed and moved mine over to hers, and I crashed.  I crashed hard.  I fell asleep basically as soon as I layed down and I didn't fully wake up until my alarm went off.  When I got up my hips didn't hurt and my back didn't hurt . . . glorious.
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Remember how I was talking about feeling like a failure and now knowing how to get out of that feeling?  Well, the thing is, I know what I need to do to fix it.  I know what I need to do to fix myself.  I have a whole list of self improvement goals right here on this blog.  And at one point  I was really determined to do all of those things.  But I get to points where I feel so behind that there's really no point in trying to improve.  What's the point of becoming the best version of myself now when I've already wasted so much of my life?  I'm 27 years old and have really done nothing with my life, and honestly, the thought of trying now and being determined now just seems pathetic and stupid.  I don't know how to shake that feeling of pointlessness in getting better.  Hopefully this has something to do with my low Li levels.
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I got my Lithium today.  Which is good.
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Tomorrow is the deadline to a short short story contest I'd been hoping to enter and unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish a writing project for it.  I'm disappointed because I had a few good ideas in mind and this contest had a big prize but . . . oh well, I suppose.
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After I wrote out that entry about giving up as far as Ex-Fiance is concerned I got to thinking about the whole setting a deadline thing and I started to wonder if I was right.  I know that I screwed up in our relationship too and I don't think his needing time/space is surprising or unreasonable.  And maybe it's unfair of me to say, be better by this date or it's not happening at all.  One of my goals was to let him get better while I did . . . and who am I to dictate how long that'll take?**  At the same time, I'd feel totally differently if I'd had any indication of how he was doing during this time apart.  As it is I stand by what I said.  New Years Eve.  If nothing's happened by then the new year will be my new start.  Then again, who knows?  Maybe I'm not even going to give it til then.
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I think what I'm struggling with most is just that something that meant so much and was such a big part of my life could be . . . just nothing.  Y'know?  Like . . . I can't even really put into words how strongly I felt about him.  And how much I really did believe that I'd spend the rest of my life with him.  And I know Ex-Fiance felt that way too and it just kind of blows my mind that it went from that to nothing.  And that eventually, he'll marry someone else and that'll be his real future, and that I'll end up . . . well,  somewhere else at least.  It kills me and it makes me wonder how we ever get over anything at all and what the point of love ever really is.  I know that sounds jaded and more like a Taylor Swift song than something anybody actually thinks but . . . I kinda do.  More than anything I realize now that I never, ever, ever want to put myself in a position where I can get hurt like this again.  Ever.  Which means that as much as I love the idea of soul mates and romance and true love, I'll probably spend the rest of my life single.  And if I avoid this ever happening again it'll be worth it.  Besides, I can't just turn strong feelings like that on and off and fall in and out of love; it's all too much for me, I think, so the dating scene really will never be my thing.
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**I know it always comes across like Ex-Fiance has all the power in this situation--like whatever happens between us is going to be at his say.  And in a way right now that's true.  But only because I feel like my cards have been on the table since the very beginning.  I've made it clear since the break up happened that I want to get back together, whereas he's been the one who was unsure.  (Well, not unsure, but you know what I mean).
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In a way I've started to feel like it never happened.  And that's really disconcerting.  In the time since I've been in Flag I've (obviously) thought a lot about Ex-Fiance, and usually the thoughts give me . . . well, feelings, I guess.  Like remembering happy things either makes me happy or sad, flashing back to the breakup itself pisses me off, imagining him moving on with someone new makes me anxious.  And now . . . now it feels like just nothing.  Like when I think of him, whether it's about good or bad, I have no strong feelings either way.  Just indifference.  And granted I've been feeling pretty indifferent towards my whole life right now, so maybe that'll all dissipate once I'm re-medicated.  But it's what I'm dealing with at the moment.

Broken Down

The past 36 hours have been a crappy day and a half mental health wise.  I've just been very anxious and down.

--I saw an old college acquaintance at work Friday night.  It was near the end of my shift; she came through my register but didn't remember me.  Which was fine, because we didn't know each other well at all.  But I recognized her, and her last name had changed on her rental account, because she's married now.  And her husband was with her, and another couple, and it just . . . well, things like that hurt.  Seeing other people who are living a life that's closer to what I want and closer to where I think I should be, if that makes sense.  It hurts more now because I feel like I got THIS close to that and failed.  And it just kind of depressed me.

--Anxiety attack because the Christmas music section is set up work.  (Aside from the anxiety I think it's a bit early . . . we should at least wait until the day after Halloween).  Normally I love Christmas and am thrilled when I start to see the signs of it everywhere but this year . . . well, this year I just want to skip all the holidays.  Fast forward to March of 2013 and let that be that.  I think the reasons are obvious.

--This was NAU's Homecoming weekend, which makes me extremely anxious for a few different reasons.  I think some of it might be too personal to get into but let me just say that I don't have a lot of fond memories of my college days.  Really, looking back on that time just stresses me out and depresses me.  And it being Homecoming is just a reminder that my life has gone completely not as expected in a lot of bad ways.  I don't have any close friends from college--I really don't.  I don't have anyone to go to Homecoming with, or a husband I can take with me to the game and introduce to my old friends.  A very small chunk of that has to do with Corey.  And it's also difficult for some other relationship related reasons--but those I know are better left for my private journal.  I just wish things had gone differently.  And I know it's harder because I'm here in Flagstaff, and that if I was in Kingman, away from the college town setting, and living a happy life with the person I love, I'd be fine with it.  Sucks.

--Anxiety attack about money.  I don't even think I need to elaborate on this one.  I know this wouldn't be as bad if I didn't know I had to get more lab work done.  I hate having these disorders that require so much attention.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be better, and I want to be healthy but . . . I'm not in a position where that's an easy thing to do.  It gets stressful.

--Guilt.  I don't want to go into detail but there's something I'm feeling very guilty about right now.  I might elaborate later.

--Corey.  In three conversations at work (one Friday, two Saturday), I talked about him to co-workers.  Nothing bad or anything, and it was in a way that came naturally--it wasn't like I wanted to talk about him and forced the subject so I could.  Not at all.  And it just . . . made me miss him so much.  And I just felt lonely and combined with everything else . . . I don't know.  I'm just so sad, still, about the whole thing.  So heart broken.  I still love him and care for him so much and right now this whole thing is just so damn painful.

Right now I just feel broken.  I'm scared that I'm feeling this way, because I have been doing incredibly well with my Lithium intake--in the time since I got my prescription refilled, I have only missed one dose*.  So . . . I don't know, I guess a part of me is like, shouldn't I be fine?  But then I remind myself that I'm dealing with a lot of stress at the moment--money (totally legit stress factor), work (hours, issues with co-workers), health needs (lab work), sleep issues (I'm having bed problems at the moment).  And lack of sleep is never a good thing for my moods.  Plus I could be starting my PMDD cycle; it's the right time for it, but at the same time, last month it started a little later and was a lot milder so . . . I don't know.  Maybe I was just less stressed last month?  

Silver lining: I didn't have an actual breakdown today.  No rage, no throwing things, no wanting to pull my hair out.  I didn't even cry.  And I fully expected to; the way I felt when I left work today, my plan was get home, eat lunch, have myself a good cry, take a nap.  And I skipped the crying part which is a good thing.  So it's definitely a far cry from where I was before.

Hopefully I get to feeling better soon.  I don't like this.

*One dose=half my daily intake of Lithium.

Crushed

So I went to Kingman for a couple of reasons.  Obviously I wanted to see my family and hang out with Saucy, and I planned to pick up some boxes at my old house--like my winter clothes because it's getting pretty cold up here and all that.  

And I wanted to see Ex-Fiance.  I've just been missing him so much lately and I've been wanting to see him.  So on Thursday I texted him and asked if he wanted to have dinner on Friday.

And wouldn't you know it . . . I chose the one weekend he was going out of town to Chinle.  And it just depressed me, because I don't know when I'll make it to Kingman again.

But things were OK until I had to go to the house and get my stuff.  I'd been dreading it and the butterflies in my stomach as we (Austin and I) pulled up to the house were intense.  My mom met me there and in the end I couldn't even go in the house--I gave her my keys and told her to just open the garage.

She did, and seeing all of my stuff piled there--including the bookcase and desk I'd told Ex-Fiance he could keep using--just made me sick.  Like, it made me physically ill.  I just wanted to be done with it and I tore through there, grabbed the boxes I needed and got the hell out.  It was awful.

I hadn't expected it to be easy.  I knew it was going to be a difficult experience, and  that's one reason I was so disappointed that Ex-Fiance wasn't there--I'd thought it would be a little easier to do if there was a sense of friendliness between us, if that makes sense.  Seeing all of my boxes piled up like that brought back how it felt to be packing them and dreading moving and all the other bad things from when we first broke up--and those are the feelings I've been working very, very hard to get past.

It was a horrible experience and I just wanted to get out of Kingman at that point.  I'd planned to stay until Sunday afternoon, but on Friday night, I got to thinking I might leave Saturday night, and the whole getting my stuff thing cemented it.  (And then that made me feel guilty for leaving early because I felt like I was abandoning my family, and then I felt some of the anger towards Ex-Fiance come back).  

Plus I think my PMDD cycle has started so that did not help things at all.

I just felt crushed afterwards.  I felt completely emotionally destroyed.  I felt like I had made no progress whatsoever and I was right back at square one, right where I'd been when I left.  I felt defeated.

I'd been expecting something different.  I'd thought Ex-Fiance and I would have dinner on Friday night and that things would feel friendly between us, and that alone was something I was looking forward to.  I was looking forward to the silence being broken.  And if that had happened it wouldn't have felt quite so awful to go over there on Saturday and get my things.  

I'd also been hoping, in the very back of my mind, that seeing each other face to face after a couple months might spark a conversation about us.  And losing that made me feel a bit panicky, I guess--the longer we go without discussing anything the more worried I am about it.  But I'll elaborate on that later.

But there IS a silver lining.  As crushed and sad and all that as I felt, I didn't have an actual breakdown.  Those negative emotions were intense but not breakdown intense--just normal woman dealing with a breakup and still being in love with an ex emotions.  So that, at least, is good.

I Give Up

What do I want in a relationship?

I want a partner.  I want someone I can trust with all of my heart, someone who always makes my heart skip a beat, someone who makes me laugh, someone who will hold me when I cry no matter what I'm crying about. Someone who'll listen to me go on and on about all of the nerdy crap I'm interested in, someone who appreciates music like I do, someone who just makes me believe in forever.  And in return I want to be all those things for someone.

I find a lot of married couple blogs on the internet (because I love blog stalking) and I skim through them.  And there are always pictures and these couples all just look so happy together.  So . . . I don't know.  There's just always something about them that is very meant to be.  And I see wedding pictures of friends on Facebook and I see the same thing.  And I have friends who are engaged, and when they talk about their wedding on Facebook, their fiances comment about how much they can't wait to get married and how the wedding is too far away and blah blah blah.

I see all those things and they're the things I wanted and expected out of my relationship with Ex-Fiance.  And I wonder, what do they have that I don't?  What do these women have that makes their men look at them like that, love them like that?  What is it about them?

And then I think about it, and I remember that the men in those pictures have probably never been legit screamed at by the women in those pictures.  They've probably never helped their wives clean self harm injuries.  They've probably never seen their wives throw things or have anxiety attacks that border on psychotic.  They've probably never had their wife happily kiss them goodbye in the morning only to come home to her not speaking to them for no reason at all.  They've probably never watched any of their wives shatter a glass picture frame and try to slit her wrists with one of the shards.

And then I think, no fucking wonder he doesn't want to be with me.  Who would?  I'm fat, unattractive, and psychotic.  I never deserved Ex-Fiance and I'm probably just not meant to be a bride or a wife.  I will probably spend the rest of my life alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty mad at Ex-Fiance too.  But I'm more mad at myself.

Getting Close

I realized earlier that after today (which is now over) I only have 2 days off left in Kingman.  Two days left to hang out with Austin, spend time with my family, say goodbye to this life.  (I know that last part was a bit overdramatic but I really do feel like I'm leaving one life for another at this point).  It just kind of shocked me because I don't feel even remotely ready to leave.  At all.

I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.

I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back.  My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away.  But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it.  I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was.  I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that.  And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore.  I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.

I have 3 biggest fears.  One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place.  I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there.  Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me.  Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him.  We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either.  So I don't know what's going to happen.  Is he going to call me right away?  Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore?  I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore.  (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done).  And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else.  I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry.  Out of sight . . . out of mind.

I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time.  There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future.  Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.