My thyroid is fine.
Completely, 100% fine. Well within normal range on both TSH and T4. Everything else about me is fine too: glucose, iron, anemia test, and EKG, all normal. All "perfect" according to the hack at North Country.
So basically, what we know is that I'm in excellent health except for the small fact that I'm too tired to function and I'm a full 15 pounds heavier than I was two weeks ago.
Y'know, no biggie. It's not like I need to, y'know, live or anything. I can totally just sleep for the rest of my life. Sure.
Needless to say I'm a little pissed.
Let's start at the beginning. On Sunday I checked my voicemails and there was one from NCHC, from the 25th, left a couple hours after I called and bitched and yelled and got a follow up appointment. I don't know how I missed the call, but regardless, it was an MA saying that the hack had finally gone over my labs and that they were all normal. I considered not even bothering with the appointment but those tests were done 2 months ago when I had no symptoms so I figured I'd go and see what happened.
This stupid bitch refused to re-test either the TSH or the T4, and she insisted that there is absolutely 100% no way that my levels could have changed in the two months since those tests were done. She did, however, run a quick glucose test, an anemia test, and for some reason, an EKG, all of which were totally normal. The best she could suggest is that it's depression . . . without any other depressive symptoms. She was like, "Have you lost interest in the things you enjoy?" And I said that no, I haven't lost interest, I just don't have the energy to do them at the moment. She said we should consider Lithium toxicity and I was like, are you effing kidding me? Do you think I don't know the symptoms of Lithium toxicity? My psychiatrist has hammered them into my head at every freaking visit I've ever had with him so I know what to watch out for and I do.
My favorite part, though, was the repeated insinuation that I'm lying about my sexual history. At my first visit with the hack, she suggested a couple times I have an STD screening, which believe me, I do not need. Even remotely. Today she flat out said I could be HIV+ and I should consider being tested . . . even after I told her several times that I wasn't interested in STD testing. I was so fucking offended. I can't even . . . good lord, I can't even tell you. And I could just tell she thought I was lying, which I know happens, but it definitely wasn't the case here. It was very upsetting. And then she did a urine dip to check for sugars and proteins and all that, and she fucking had a pregnancy test run as well. Without telling me she was going to do that, which is fairly illegal, and also totally pointless. She was like, well, you're not pregnant! No fucking shit Sherlock!
So I guess at this point the next step is to talk to my psychiatrist about possibly adjusting my AD dosage (the hack didn't understand why I was on such a low dose and I was like, hello, bipolar?)
The good news is that I bitched enough to not get charged for today. So go me.
I'm really disappointed, because I missed 3.5 hours of work for nothing, and I was really sure I'd walk away with an answer and a solution, and instead, I still feel like shit and I have no idea what to do about it.
Maybe the hack is right and it is a depressive episode. I mean, it's possible, I guess. Maybe I'm just not sleeping well . . . there are some issues with that right now but as far as I'd thought, it wasn't that significant so . . . who knows. Maybe I just have had a touch of the flu or something, or maybe it's a mono flair up.
I just know that right now I'm flat out dreading just living because I'm so fucking miserable.
4.28.2013
Frustrations, Time Travel, Etc.
So this thyroid thing is getting really, really annoying.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
For example, yesterday was a beautiful spring Saturday (it's officially spring because I saw a butterfly the other day), and I wanted to be out and about. But I had no energy. I didn't have enough energy to shower let alone go out. I spent the whole day in my chair watching White Collar on Netflix and doing low energy things like painting my toenails and cutting out patterns. It was lame. I hate this because for years I was mentally unable to do anything, and now that I'm mentally healthy and WANT to do stuff, I'm physically unable.
Plus, the weight gain is really, really frustrating. I started the year so damn determined and I was doing so well! But now I've gained weight from my thyroid being out of wack, plus I don't have any energy to work out at all, plus the low energy means more soda to keep myself going during the day. So needless to say, I feel dis.gus.ting. I hate it.
I keep telling myself that Monday is almost here and that after that this will get better. As much as I'm not looking forward to going to NCHC again I'll be glad to get this nipped in the bud so that I can get on with my life. I never thought I'd crave exercise but I do . . . I just want to move my body and not being able to blows. I'm also feeling very creative lately but I don't have the energy to write.
I do have some anxiety that I'll go to the appt. and they'll tell me my thyroid is fine and that I'm just going to have to deal with feeling like shit indefinitely. I'm trying not to think about that possibility, and I am telling myself how very, very unlikely it is . . . really, what are the chances I'm taking a potentially thyroid altering medication and having thyroid related symptoms and and have had high TSH tests already and it's not my thyroid? Slim to none, I'd think. I think I worry that on some level I'm just being lazy and detached and not engaging in my life.
Anyway, I stayed up late last night watching White Collar (too late . . . like 5 AM kinda late . . . latest I've stayed up since I started working) and just sort of thinking. The windows were open and there was a nice, cool breeze coming in. At one point I went in the bedroom to get something and I could feel the breeze, and it smelled like summer time, and I could smell my sleep therapy spray and this candle (Wine Country) that I've had forever and it was an intensely eerie feeling. It felt exactly the way nights felt years ago, when I lived on the other side of this apartment complex (it's so strange to think that just a few hundred yards away is where my whole life used to be). The details now are a lot different: I'm employed instead of unemployed, mentally healthy instead of mentally unstable, there are more pets and fewer rooms, and a different view from the windows. Aside from those, though, it's almost like nothing ever changed. Nights like that it's easy to imagine that Corey and I never met, that the reality is just this and not that I found and lost my soul mate, that there was this whole other life in a whole different place in between then and now.
The nights felt like this right before I met him so in my head there's always that association.
At the same time I feel like the memories of him are starting to fade. The other day something reminded me of something really sweet he said to me once when we were first together--the thing that made me sure I was in love with him, actually. I used to think of it all the time but when I remembered it the other day, it surprised me, because . . . I'd almost forgotten it had happened. I'd forgotten I had it stored in my mind, if that makes sense. And I was surprised to see it again and also surprised to realize how long it had been since I'd thought of it.
Now I'm just rambling, but this fading makes me really uncomfortable. It's like I'm losing what's left and I don't want that connection to completely disappear. Then there are times that I tell myself it's all just memories now; that someday it will have been ten years since I've seen or heard from him, and that the memories will be even more faded then. It scares me. And it still blows my mind to think that something that was so important, someone that was so important, something that mattered so much and that you put so much of yourself into can just be fading things tucked away into the back of your mind.
I don't like that one bit.
But I also have more faith than ever that if it's meant to be it'll be.
4.25.2013
Damn Thyroid
Remember how, back in February, I had a really awful doctor's appointment to check out my thyroid? Well, I'm going back to the awful place on Monday to get this all squared away because all of a sudden, I'm having symptoms of hypothyroidism.
Let's start at the beginning.
I have a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test done every three months, because Lithium can screw with your thyroid. The two most recent times I had this test done, my TSH was a little high, which indicates hypothyroidism (that sounds like totally backwards logic, I know, but it makes sense when the doctors explain it). So my psychiatrist, in February, insisted that I see a PCP to get it checked more thoroughly and potentially go on thyroid medication. I went to North Country HealthCare, because they're very geared to people without insurance, and they have a sliding scale fee so what you pay is based on income. I'd been there once before about 2 years ago to see a psychiatrist, and I had a horrible experience. Like, horrible. Which is why I ended up finding my current psychiatrist and all that. Needless to say I was reluctant to go back but I thought, it's been 2 years, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Nope. The woman I saw was completely incompetent. I explained to her right off the bat that I was on Lithium, my psychiatrist had wanted me to see someone, and that my thyroid might be off from the Lithium. She launched into some BS about how I needed to have an STD exam and tried to schedule it for me . . . I was like, um, no. She asked me twice if I was seeing a psychiatrist despite the fact that I said that to begin with, and I had to tell her I was on Lithium 3 times before it stuck in her little tiny brain, and when it finally did, she was like, "You're on Lithium? Have you considered that you might be bipolar?" I was like wtf? No, dumbass, I take it just for the hell of it because y'know, I enjoy poisoning myself. She also made me do a whole body exam where I laid on the table and she touched me damn near everywhere, which was both awkward and unnecessary. I was so uncomfortable. In the last 5 minutes of the visit she suddenly became marginally useful and ordered a T4 test; T4 is the hormone that will be low if you have hypothyroidism. I got my blood drawn that day and figured I'd hear back no later than a week from then.
Well, fast forward to the end of March, and I've gone a month without any contact from NCHC. I finally called them and was told that the provider hadn't signed off on them yet (really? after a fucking month?) and that they'd have her call me. A week and a half later, still nothing, so I called again and got the same BS, and then a week after that I called again and the same thing happened. I'm assuming that they needed me to come in for results but no one ever actually said that so . . . yeah.
Really, I wasn't too concerned, because at the time of my appt. I'd been having no hypothyroid symptoms, and I didn't think there was really anything to worry about. I was just aggravated with the unprofessionalism.
And then, the past two weeks, I have felt like hell. Last week, I missed work because I was too tired to be there; I've damn near collapsed every day this week as soon as I got home from work. I'm just flat out exhausted all the time. My muscles are sore and weak all over, especially my legs and arms, and my face has swollen up a couple times. My period this month was totally irregular, and I've gained 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. And I realized this morning that every single one of those symptoms is a symptom of hypothyroidism.
Well, shit.
So I called NCHC today (2 damn months after I was seen) and got an appointment for Monday so I can find out what's going on and start treatment. I don't want to go back there in the least but I can't keep living like this . . . I'm freaking miserable. I hate feeling so out of it, especially at work. I hate not being able to work out, and I really hate that I've gained weight after I was working so hard to lose it. (As far as that goes, I'm just telling myself to relax, and that once the thyroid thing is taken care of I can focus harder on losing weight. And besides, it's not like there's a deadline on the weight loss thing, and if I don't hit my goal at the end of the year, I can just keep at it next year. Because life is just life . . . but that's another entry).
I made it clear to the receptionist I spoke to that I was not happy with the way things were handled. I'm seeing the same woman I did last time and I was told that this will be the last time I can see her since she's leaving the practice; I said that was fine because I have no intention of setting foot in that clinic again after this next appointment.
So that's that. I'm actually really relieved to know what's going on with me, because I was really freaked out at how bad I was feeling. At least this is something fixable.
Let's start at the beginning.
I have a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test done every three months, because Lithium can screw with your thyroid. The two most recent times I had this test done, my TSH was a little high, which indicates hypothyroidism (that sounds like totally backwards logic, I know, but it makes sense when the doctors explain it). So my psychiatrist, in February, insisted that I see a PCP to get it checked more thoroughly and potentially go on thyroid medication. I went to North Country HealthCare, because they're very geared to people without insurance, and they have a sliding scale fee so what you pay is based on income. I'd been there once before about 2 years ago to see a psychiatrist, and I had a horrible experience. Like, horrible. Which is why I ended up finding my current psychiatrist and all that. Needless to say I was reluctant to go back but I thought, it's been 2 years, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Nope. The woman I saw was completely incompetent. I explained to her right off the bat that I was on Lithium, my psychiatrist had wanted me to see someone, and that my thyroid might be off from the Lithium. She launched into some BS about how I needed to have an STD exam and tried to schedule it for me . . . I was like, um, no. She asked me twice if I was seeing a psychiatrist despite the fact that I said that to begin with, and I had to tell her I was on Lithium 3 times before it stuck in her little tiny brain, and when it finally did, she was like, "You're on Lithium? Have you considered that you might be bipolar?" I was like wtf? No, dumbass, I take it just for the hell of it because y'know, I enjoy poisoning myself. She also made me do a whole body exam where I laid on the table and she touched me damn near everywhere, which was both awkward and unnecessary. I was so uncomfortable. In the last 5 minutes of the visit she suddenly became marginally useful and ordered a T4 test; T4 is the hormone that will be low if you have hypothyroidism. I got my blood drawn that day and figured I'd hear back no later than a week from then.
Well, fast forward to the end of March, and I've gone a month without any contact from NCHC. I finally called them and was told that the provider hadn't signed off on them yet (really? after a fucking month?) and that they'd have her call me. A week and a half later, still nothing, so I called again and got the same BS, and then a week after that I called again and the same thing happened. I'm assuming that they needed me to come in for results but no one ever actually said that so . . . yeah.
Really, I wasn't too concerned, because at the time of my appt. I'd been having no hypothyroid symptoms, and I didn't think there was really anything to worry about. I was just aggravated with the unprofessionalism.
And then, the past two weeks, I have felt like hell. Last week, I missed work because I was too tired to be there; I've damn near collapsed every day this week as soon as I got home from work. I'm just flat out exhausted all the time. My muscles are sore and weak all over, especially my legs and arms, and my face has swollen up a couple times. My period this month was totally irregular, and I've gained 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. And I realized this morning that every single one of those symptoms is a symptom of hypothyroidism.
Well, shit.
So I called NCHC today (2 damn months after I was seen) and got an appointment for Monday so I can find out what's going on and start treatment. I don't want to go back there in the least but I can't keep living like this . . . I'm freaking miserable. I hate feeling so out of it, especially at work. I hate not being able to work out, and I really hate that I've gained weight after I was working so hard to lose it. (As far as that goes, I'm just telling myself to relax, and that once the thyroid thing is taken care of I can focus harder on losing weight. And besides, it's not like there's a deadline on the weight loss thing, and if I don't hit my goal at the end of the year, I can just keep at it next year. Because life is just life . . . but that's another entry).
I made it clear to the receptionist I spoke to that I was not happy with the way things were handled. I'm seeing the same woman I did last time and I was told that this will be the last time I can see her since she's leaving the practice; I said that was fine because I have no intention of setting foot in that clinic again after this next appointment.
So that's that. I'm actually really relieved to know what's going on with me, because I was really freaked out at how bad I was feeling. At least this is something fixable.
4.19.2013
Spoiling Myself
Today was payday. And I have to admit that I spoiled myself a little. For good reason, though.
I invested in some new shoes--a super cute pair of nude pumps with 2 inch heals that will go with anything I wear to work. They were only $20 and I figured why not? And Payless was having a sale on purses so I ended up buying 2 of them . . . I really needed a new purse and the second one was half off so really, it was an awesome deal.
I treated Jerbs to dinner.
Then I bought the usual stuff I need at WalMart (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, etc) plus a new work shirt. And some folders to store my patterns in since I've been sewing so much lately. And a couple other little things. And another new pair of shoes . . . I have no decent flats anymore, and I needed something for this time of year and the occasional summer night when it's too warm for tennis shoes but too cool for flip flops.
It all adds up, and yes, I spent too much money, and yes, I feel a little guilty about it.
At the same time, though, with the exception of the second purse and the flats, I didn't buy anything I didn't actually need. I feel like building my professional wardrobe is a necessity right now, because part of my job is looking professional. And I didn't spend so much that I won't be able to pay bills and rent and whatever; really, the only way this effects me is that I end up having less to save towards my car down payment. And that only effects me so . . . yeah.
And I had a shitty week. I think I deserved a little spoiling.
This weekend, though, I'm determined to write up a budget that I can stick to.
I invested in some new shoes--a super cute pair of nude pumps with 2 inch heals that will go with anything I wear to work. They were only $20 and I figured why not? And Payless was having a sale on purses so I ended up buying 2 of them . . . I really needed a new purse and the second one was half off so really, it was an awesome deal.
I treated Jerbs to dinner.
Then I bought the usual stuff I need at WalMart (shampoo, conditioner, body wash, etc) plus a new work shirt. And some folders to store my patterns in since I've been sewing so much lately. And a couple other little things. And another new pair of shoes . . . I have no decent flats anymore, and I needed something for this time of year and the occasional summer night when it's too warm for tennis shoes but too cool for flip flops.
It all adds up, and yes, I spent too much money, and yes, I feel a little guilty about it.
At the same time, though, with the exception of the second purse and the flats, I didn't buy anything I didn't actually need. I feel like building my professional wardrobe is a necessity right now, because part of my job is looking professional. And I didn't spend so much that I won't be able to pay bills and rent and whatever; really, the only way this effects me is that I end up having less to save towards my car down payment. And that only effects me so . . . yeah.
And I had a shitty week. I think I deserved a little spoiling.
This weekend, though, I'm determined to write up a budget that I can stick to.
4.18.2013
2 Years
As I posted that lovely entry about being sick, I noticed the date: April 18th. It's a significant date because it was on April 18th, 2011 that I went to my first appointment with my current doctor, when I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
Which means that today marks the 2 year anniversary of my real journey to getting better.
I'm not even really sure what I want to say about this, but I feel like I should say something.
First and foremost, I can't believe it was two years ago that I got help but that it's only been about 8 months-ish that I've actually been really, truly better. I still feel a little bit ashamed of that, but at the same time, better late than never. I never expected things to go the way they did but I never expected getting better to be easy, either.
Corey took me to that first appointment. I remember shaking like a leaf the whole way there because I was so nervous; I think he took my hand and said a prayer for me before we went into the office. My doctor turned out to be amazing--smart and competent and willing to really listen--and I was incredibly impressed with him, especially considering we only chose him because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients. I owe a lot to my doctor.
That appointment lasted an hour and a half and cost $235. I paid some, Corey paid some, Jerbs paid some, and my mom paid some--it was definitely a group effort to get me there.
My head is still fuzzy so I think I'll just say thank you. I owe thank yous to a lot of people in this but there's one in particular I feel like getting off my chest tonight . . . I'll write out the rest later, when my head's clear.
Thank you Corey, for finding me a good doctor and for getting me to that first appointment; thank you for insisting so fiercely that I was worth getting better. I know that you meant it, and that you wanted me to get better because you loved me. Even if that's not true now, I know that I wouldn't have gotten help if you hadn't pushed me to, and that I owe a lot of this to you. I am grateful for your help. I am also deeply, deeply sorry that you got hurt so much in the process; I hope that you can forgive me for that, and I hope that you know the girl who put you through all that pain and BS is not who I really am. Regardless of what's happened between us, and regardless of what happens between us in the future, I'll remain grateful.
That's it for tonight. I need to lie down.
Which means that today marks the 2 year anniversary of my real journey to getting better.
I'm not even really sure what I want to say about this, but I feel like I should say something.
First and foremost, I can't believe it was two years ago that I got help but that it's only been about 8 months-ish that I've actually been really, truly better. I still feel a little bit ashamed of that, but at the same time, better late than never. I never expected things to go the way they did but I never expected getting better to be easy, either.
Corey took me to that first appointment. I remember shaking like a leaf the whole way there because I was so nervous; I think he took my hand and said a prayer for me before we went into the office. My doctor turned out to be amazing--smart and competent and willing to really listen--and I was incredibly impressed with him, especially considering we only chose him because he was the first doctor Corey called who took uninsured patients. I owe a lot to my doctor.
That appointment lasted an hour and a half and cost $235. I paid some, Corey paid some, Jerbs paid some, and my mom paid some--it was definitely a group effort to get me there.
My head is still fuzzy so I think I'll just say thank you. I owe thank yous to a lot of people in this but there's one in particular I feel like getting off my chest tonight . . . I'll write out the rest later, when my head's clear.
Thank you Corey, for finding me a good doctor and for getting me to that first appointment; thank you for insisting so fiercely that I was worth getting better. I know that you meant it, and that you wanted me to get better because you loved me. Even if that's not true now, I know that I wouldn't have gotten help if you hadn't pushed me to, and that I owe a lot of this to you. I am grateful for your help. I am also deeply, deeply sorry that you got hurt so much in the process; I hope that you can forgive me for that, and I hope that you know the girl who put you through all that pain and BS is not who I really am. Regardless of what's happened between us, and regardless of what happens between us in the future, I'll remain grateful.
That's it for tonight. I need to lie down.
Sickly
I left work early sick yesterday, and I missed work completely today. It's aggravating but it was necessary.
Basically yesterday, I woke up feeling OK, and by the time I got on the bus, I felt horrible. I don't even know how to describe it . . . I was completely exhausted even though I'd slept well, my head was pounding and throbbing in the worst way, and I felt so weak I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to walk off the bus. I got to work, ate breakfast, etc, and I just kept feeling worse. Plus I was freezing cold. One of my co-workers felt my head and said I was really warm. At that point I asked if I could go because I was literally falling asleep at my desk. If I'd been able to suck it up and stay I'd have gotten nothing done and I hate the idea of being at work getting paid for nothing. So I came home and passed.out. I was seriously so tired . . . like I don't remember having ever been as tired as I was, it was so weird. I slept until 8 pm and went back to bed at midnight, still feeling pretty crappy.
I woke up this morning and felt worse. I told myself to suck it up and dragged myself out of bed; when I took a shower my arms felt so weak I could hardly lift them to wash my hair. Halfway through blow drying my hair I realized there was no way in hell I was going to make it to work and be even remotely comfortable, so I called my boss and left her a voicemail saying I was still sick. (I think I was running a fever at this point too). Went back to bed, woke quite a few hours later, felt OK, and attempted to go get food with Jerbs.
That was a huge mistake. A few bites into my pasta at Wildflower I had to run to the bathroom and puke . . . it suuuucked.
Not a pleasant day. But I'm feeling a little better now. I just don't know wtf happened . . . and I hate when my body does things that I don't understand.
It could all be menstrual related, because my period started yesterday while I was on my way home from work. Or I could have legit had a touch of the stomach flu. Or certain mental issues could be translating themselves into physical symptoms but that's a whole nother story.
Anyway. Hopefully I can work tomorrow, because I really hate missing.
Basically yesterday, I woke up feeling OK, and by the time I got on the bus, I felt horrible. I don't even know how to describe it . . . I was completely exhausted even though I'd slept well, my head was pounding and throbbing in the worst way, and I felt so weak I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to walk off the bus. I got to work, ate breakfast, etc, and I just kept feeling worse. Plus I was freezing cold. One of my co-workers felt my head and said I was really warm. At that point I asked if I could go because I was literally falling asleep at my desk. If I'd been able to suck it up and stay I'd have gotten nothing done and I hate the idea of being at work getting paid for nothing. So I came home and passed.out. I was seriously so tired . . . like I don't remember having ever been as tired as I was, it was so weird. I slept until 8 pm and went back to bed at midnight, still feeling pretty crappy.
I woke up this morning and felt worse. I told myself to suck it up and dragged myself out of bed; when I took a shower my arms felt so weak I could hardly lift them to wash my hair. Halfway through blow drying my hair I realized there was no way in hell I was going to make it to work and be even remotely comfortable, so I called my boss and left her a voicemail saying I was still sick. (I think I was running a fever at this point too). Went back to bed, woke quite a few hours later, felt OK, and attempted to go get food with Jerbs.
That was a huge mistake. A few bites into my pasta at Wildflower I had to run to the bathroom and puke . . . it suuuucked.
Not a pleasant day. But I'm feeling a little better now. I just don't know wtf happened . . . and I hate when my body does things that I don't understand.
It could all be menstrual related, because my period started yesterday while I was on my way home from work. Or I could have legit had a touch of the stomach flu. Or certain mental issues could be translating themselves into physical symptoms but that's a whole nother story.
Anyway. Hopefully I can work tomorrow, because I really hate missing.
4.15.2013
Something I Don't Understand
Sometimes, when I really think about it, what confuses me the most is what keeps me holding on. Why I'm not over him. Why I haven't just moved on with my life. What was so great about him anyway? What was so great about that life and that relationship and what was it that made me so sure I wanted to marry him?
What was so great that even now, almost a year--a whole fucking year--after the break up I am no closer to being over him than I was the day it happened?
I thought time would help. And I guess it has because if you'd seen me the night he dumped me compared to now you wouldn't believe I was the same person.
Time has helped with the me things. Not the me and him things. And I really don't get it. Especially considering how much I got hurt at the end.
That's it for today. No cheesy "but" at the end of this entry. I really just . . . don't get it.
What was so great that even now, almost a year--a whole fucking year--after the break up I am no closer to being over him than I was the day it happened?
I thought time would help. And I guess it has because if you'd seen me the night he dumped me compared to now you wouldn't believe I was the same person.
Time has helped with the me things. Not the me and him things. And I really don't get it. Especially considering how much I got hurt at the end.
That's it for today. No cheesy "but" at the end of this entry. I really just . . . don't get it.
4.12.2013
Up and Down and Back Up and Back Down
That's how this week was.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
A good number of excellent, happy moments that made me feel like I could do anything and that reminded me of how good my life is right now and how much better I am right now than I've ever been in my entire adult life. A few moments of complete and utter frustration that turned into anger that bordered on rage. A few moments of just feeling sad and stressed and breaking down crying. Some moments of disappointment in myself because remember all that motivation I had at the beginning of the month? Kinda lost it this week.
I just have a lot on my mind. A lot kind of running through my head that I need to sort out for myself, which I'm hoping to do this weekend so that on Monday I can . . . y'know, not feel like shit.
The Good
-winning my first insurance appeal at work (which got me a high five from my boss haha)
-my boss bringing one of the beautiful quilts she made to work to show me (since we talk about sewing)
-making a skirt (not quite finished, I need to do the hem on one side, but still) and a drawstring bag for my gym stuff
-I made it to the gym on Thursday and it felt awesome
-Max finally going to the bathroom when I take him on walks! (for awhile he'd only go for Jerbs)
The Bad
-the snow we randomly got on Monday and Tuesday, which made it a very cold pain in the ass to leave the house . . . I didn't make it to the gym either day because I just didn't feel like walking over to the gym in the snow
-not working out on Wednesday either because at lunch we had a going away party for a co-worker whose last day was today
-feeling really tired and sickish all week for no apparent reason . . . seriously, random headaches and nausea? don't get it
-not having a car . . . the bus thing is really starting to wear on me, I think. I don't mind taking the bus and walking at all, I really don't, but not being able to do things after work because of the bus schedule really, really bothers me
-leaving my keys at work one day and having to break into the apartment when I got home (Wednesday)
-leaving my keys at home today, which meant I couldn't go to the gym (you have to have your little scan card to get in, period, and mine is on my keys) (thankfully Jerbs found them and left them outside for me)
-feeling like I couldn't even attempt to do well diet wise
--all of the breakup/bipolar/self improvement stuff I'm still working through
So yeah. Not my best. I am so excited for the weekend.
4.09.2013
DWTS Update
So tonight was elimination night (the third cut, but only the second real elimination) and I thought I'd update my prediction thing. So far I've been wrong about the first two eliminations (but not too far off). I'm not changing anything in my predictions really, just . . . elaborating I guess.
My predictions:
Week 1: Lisa & Gleb
Wynonna & Tony
Week 2: Victor & Lindsey
Lisa & Gleb
Week 3: D.L. & Cheryl
D.L. & Cheryl
Week 4: Wynona & Tony
Victor & Lindsey
Week 5: Ingo & Kym
Week 6: Sean & Peta
Week 7: Andy & Sharna
Week 8: Jacoby & Karina
Week 9: Aly & Mark
Week 10: Kellie & Derek
WIN: Zendaya & Val
Basically, the highlighting shows the couples I think are going to go within that time frame. Does that make sense? I think the orange ones will be the first four to go, even if I have the order a little wrong. Then the middle three will go, then the last three, and I'm still betting on Zendaya and Val for the win. They're just highlighted because it looked stupid otherwise.
Edit 4/23: I was right about the first 4 to leave! I don't necessarily know that that's very impressive but . . . considering how many upsets there are in this show generally, I thought I'd mention it. (Remember Bristol Palin's season? When she should have gone home like second and made it to the freaking finals?) Anyway.
My predictions:
Week 1: Lisa & Gleb
Wynonna & Tony
Week 2: Victor & Lindsey
Lisa & Gleb
Week 3: D.L. & Cheryl
D.L. & Cheryl
Week 4: Wynona & Tony
Victor & Lindsey
Week 5: Ingo & Kym
Week 6: Sean & Peta
Week 7: Andy & Sharna
Week 8: Jacoby & Karina
Week 9: Aly & Mark
Week 10: Kellie & Derek
WIN: Zendaya & Val
Basically, the highlighting shows the couples I think are going to go within that time frame. Does that make sense? I think the orange ones will be the first four to go, even if I have the order a little wrong. Then the middle three will go, then the last three, and I'm still betting on Zendaya and Val for the win. They're just highlighted because it looked stupid otherwise.
Edit 4/23: I was right about the first 4 to leave! I don't necessarily know that that's very impressive but . . . considering how many upsets there are in this show generally, I thought I'd mention it. (Remember Bristol Palin's season? When she should have gone home like second and made it to the freaking finals?) Anyway.
4.06.2013
More Mental Shifts
I find that lately (the past two weeks or so) I've been having quite a few positive mental shifts like the one I mentioned before, so I thought I'd write about them. I am loving this little stage in getting better because it feels like I'm over the hill now, if that makes sense. Like all the struggling and trying and treatment is finally really and truly starting to pay off.
I have less social anxiety now, especially when it comes to work. I used to kind of obsess about how I was being perceived by my co-workers, about how they saw me and how I was doing my job. I constantly worried that I was rubbing someone the wrong way or irritating someone and there were days when I'd go home and replay conversations from the day over and over in my head. I don't feel that anymore, or at least not as strongly. And granted some of that is probably just actually having a good job and good co-workers where I'm respected, but still, my gut tells me that if I'd gotten this job when I was still really sick it would not have gone well.
If anything I now struggle with this in the opposite direction: I have a hard time accepting that nothing's going wrong at work, that my co-workers like me, and that I am trusted to do my job and be competent. It's an odd feeling.
I'm also better at taking constructive criticism, although I probably still need work in this area. There are times when I worry that whatever co-worker is telling me to fix something is secretly pissed that I work there. At the same time I also think that if I was a big problem I'd already have been talked to about it, and they know that I'm still learning. Still better than I used to be though.
I am less afraid now. In the past I have definitely been the type to hide from my problems; if it's something I didn't want to deal with, I just didn't deal with it. I would put off painful conversations, anything to do with bills and money, and anything that made me sad. I've gotten over this in a big way. When I need to talk about something now, even if I'm dreading it, I just do it (it's usually nothing big, I just used to be weird!). I've stopped even giving myself time to hesitate. Financially, I pay a lot more attention to my money, and I'm in the process of making payments that I was unable to for a long time. I'm still working on this area because discussions about money just make me nervous, and I still need to sit down and write out a budget but I'm much better than I used to be. I also take my financial responsibilities seriously, most noticeably in the fact that I've given Jerbs rent money out of every paycheck I've gotten since I started working. And things that make me sad don't crop up often, but recently, Benji* was in desperate need of a grooming, so I finally sucked it up and shaved him and bathed him. Grooming him just makes me so sad, because I can feel how frail he is and how old he's getting it, and I hate thinking about how he probably won't be with me much longer. I think in the past, I wasn't able to put myself through that kind of stuff because I knew that it would always go deeper because I was mentally weak. But now . . . well, it still made me incredibly sad because I want Benji to live forever (seriously, I love that dog), but it didn't fuck up my life for days. Benji was pissed at me for a few days (he really hates baths) but whatever. Basically I was able to do what I had to do and then continue living without over analyzing it or letting it get the best of me, if that makes sense. In the past I'd have spent a few days moping and crying and beating myself up for being a bad dog owner.
This one is more difficult to explain, but it's also one of the best ones. I used to have this weird feeling that I was almost outside my own body; like I wasn't invested in my life, but rather was watching from outside it, like I was watching someone else live my life. It was an odd, odd thing, and it's almost completely gone now. There are still days when it crops up but I'm definitely at a point where I have an easier time seeing myself in my life and feeling fully engaged than I used to.
I also used to have trouble imagining my future for the same reason. When I would picture myself down the road, whether it was a month or a year or a decade, I would have this sensation of it just being impossible, like I was, again, on the outside looking in. I never really knew why this was but I think now that it was because at the time I just literally couldn't conceive of ever being healthy or capable enough to achieve what I was imagining. This was especially true of my relationship with Corey. I would imagine us married and living outside of AZ, just being happy together; working and coming home to each other and cooking dinner together and having date nights and going on vacations and so much more, and even though it was beautiful, I also felt very strongly that the woman I imagined doing those things with him just wasn't me. I felt like I would never, ever be the type of woman who could have that life, that kind of relationship with someone. But now, that all feels very possible, and when I imagine those things, whether with him or just generally, I genuinely see myself in those moments. It's beautiful**, and I really, finally believe in the possibility of my own life.
My personal favorite mental shift is that I have stopped having all these weird questions of identity. I used to spend my days doing nothing because I was so anxious about whether what I wanted to do made sense to my identity. Like, I'd think, I want to read, or write, or sew, or whatever, and I wouldn't know which one to choose because I didn't know which one was me. I had no idea who I was (the benchmark of borderline personality disorder), and therefore I felt the need to fit my whole identity into a really concrete definition. So I'd wonder: am I the type of person who writes? who reads? who sews? who hikes? who whatevers? It was horrible. But now, I feel much more relaxed about this, and I realize that I can be a person who does ALL of those things, and that if I go through phases where I prefer one over the other, then that's not a big deal. I need to do what makes me happy and what I enjoy, period the end.
So I'm doing well. Very well. And I love it.
--------------------
*Seriously, I love Benji. I would give anything for him to be healthy again. If somehow I could make it that way I would. But he's not doing so hot right now and I try to just focus on the fact that I gave him the best life he could possibly have and saved him from misery and death. When he passes I'm going to have him cremated, and then when I die, his urn will be buried with me. I'm also going to get a memorial tattoo for him.
**The only downside of this newfound sense of possibility is that it makes the breakup even more painful. It sucks to know that I've finally gotten there--like I can finally legit be with someone in a real way--but that the one person I want to be with . . . well, you know.
I have less social anxiety now, especially when it comes to work. I used to kind of obsess about how I was being perceived by my co-workers, about how they saw me and how I was doing my job. I constantly worried that I was rubbing someone the wrong way or irritating someone and there were days when I'd go home and replay conversations from the day over and over in my head. I don't feel that anymore, or at least not as strongly. And granted some of that is probably just actually having a good job and good co-workers where I'm respected, but still, my gut tells me that if I'd gotten this job when I was still really sick it would not have gone well.
If anything I now struggle with this in the opposite direction: I have a hard time accepting that nothing's going wrong at work, that my co-workers like me, and that I am trusted to do my job and be competent. It's an odd feeling.
I'm also better at taking constructive criticism, although I probably still need work in this area. There are times when I worry that whatever co-worker is telling me to fix something is secretly pissed that I work there. At the same time I also think that if I was a big problem I'd already have been talked to about it, and they know that I'm still learning. Still better than I used to be though.
I am less afraid now. In the past I have definitely been the type to hide from my problems; if it's something I didn't want to deal with, I just didn't deal with it. I would put off painful conversations, anything to do with bills and money, and anything that made me sad. I've gotten over this in a big way. When I need to talk about something now, even if I'm dreading it, I just do it (it's usually nothing big, I just used to be weird!). I've stopped even giving myself time to hesitate. Financially, I pay a lot more attention to my money, and I'm in the process of making payments that I was unable to for a long time. I'm still working on this area because discussions about money just make me nervous, and I still need to sit down and write out a budget but I'm much better than I used to be. I also take my financial responsibilities seriously, most noticeably in the fact that I've given Jerbs rent money out of every paycheck I've gotten since I started working. And things that make me sad don't crop up often, but recently, Benji* was in desperate need of a grooming, so I finally sucked it up and shaved him and bathed him. Grooming him just makes me so sad, because I can feel how frail he is and how old he's getting it, and I hate thinking about how he probably won't be with me much longer. I think in the past, I wasn't able to put myself through that kind of stuff because I knew that it would always go deeper because I was mentally weak. But now . . . well, it still made me incredibly sad because I want Benji to live forever (seriously, I love that dog), but it didn't fuck up my life for days. Benji was pissed at me for a few days (he really hates baths) but whatever. Basically I was able to do what I had to do and then continue living without over analyzing it or letting it get the best of me, if that makes sense. In the past I'd have spent a few days moping and crying and beating myself up for being a bad dog owner.
This one is more difficult to explain, but it's also one of the best ones. I used to have this weird feeling that I was almost outside my own body; like I wasn't invested in my life, but rather was watching from outside it, like I was watching someone else live my life. It was an odd, odd thing, and it's almost completely gone now. There are still days when it crops up but I'm definitely at a point where I have an easier time seeing myself in my life and feeling fully engaged than I used to.
I also used to have trouble imagining my future for the same reason. When I would picture myself down the road, whether it was a month or a year or a decade, I would have this sensation of it just being impossible, like I was, again, on the outside looking in. I never really knew why this was but I think now that it was because at the time I just literally couldn't conceive of ever being healthy or capable enough to achieve what I was imagining. This was especially true of my relationship with Corey. I would imagine us married and living outside of AZ, just being happy together; working and coming home to each other and cooking dinner together and having date nights and going on vacations and so much more, and even though it was beautiful, I also felt very strongly that the woman I imagined doing those things with him just wasn't me. I felt like I would never, ever be the type of woman who could have that life, that kind of relationship with someone. But now, that all feels very possible, and when I imagine those things, whether with him or just generally, I genuinely see myself in those moments. It's beautiful**, and I really, finally believe in the possibility of my own life.
My personal favorite mental shift is that I have stopped having all these weird questions of identity. I used to spend my days doing nothing because I was so anxious about whether what I wanted to do made sense to my identity. Like, I'd think, I want to read, or write, or sew, or whatever, and I wouldn't know which one to choose because I didn't know which one was me. I had no idea who I was (the benchmark of borderline personality disorder), and therefore I felt the need to fit my whole identity into a really concrete definition. So I'd wonder: am I the type of person who writes? who reads? who sews? who hikes? who whatevers? It was horrible. But now, I feel much more relaxed about this, and I realize that I can be a person who does ALL of those things, and that if I go through phases where I prefer one over the other, then that's not a big deal. I need to do what makes me happy and what I enjoy, period the end.
So I'm doing well. Very well. And I love it.
--------------------
*Seriously, I love Benji. I would give anything for him to be healthy again. If somehow I could make it that way I would. But he's not doing so hot right now and I try to just focus on the fact that I gave him the best life he could possibly have and saved him from misery and death. When he passes I'm going to have him cremated, and then when I die, his urn will be buried with me. I'm also going to get a memorial tattoo for him.
**The only downside of this newfound sense of possibility is that it makes the breakup even more painful. It sucks to know that I've finally gotten there--like I can finally legit be with someone in a real way--but that the one person I want to be with . . . well, you know.
4.03.2013
Bringin' My A-Game in April!
It's April. And I'm excited about it. Yeah, it started off a smidge crappy with my bad day Monday but hey, it was a Monday, and I'm still excited.
I just feel glad for a new month. I've been kind of slacking in some areas the past couple months (namely my diet) and I'm just done with that. I don't know why but something about this trip to Kingman this past weekend just made me feel better. Happier, calmer, more hopeful, renewed. It made me think about how I want to work on myself even harder and how much I still need to do.
So this month, I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to be stricter about my diet, I'm going to workout with a vengeance, I'm going to improve at work, I'm going to save money, I'm going to write.
This is more than just a renewed sense of confidence, though. I experienced a really amazing mental shift this weekend that I think will do wonders for me as I continue to get better.
I feel like for a long time, I have this sort of false sense of determination. Like I'll say that I'm going to do this or do that and even though I want to do those things, I can't seem to stick with it. And I always promise myself that this time'll be different and this time it's for real and so on but I also always know that I'm lying to myself. And I hate it but I've also been in a place where I try not to push myself and just do what I can, and it's frustrating to be afraid to push myself, if that makes sense.
But . . . I don't know. All of a sudden this weekend, I believed myself. I told myself, I am going to do this, and I believed. I do believe it. And while this probably doesn't seem like a huge deal, I think it is, because I finally trust myself. I finally believe myself. I finally feel like I can rely on myself. And it is overwhelming and I know that this time it's for real. I love it.
I also realized something else this weekend. I've felt, for quite awhile now, very READY to talk to Corey about us and our relationship. Like I'm ready to have that conversation and all that. And this weekend I realized that I'm actually not completely ready, that I have to work a little more on myself before that conversation happens. I think what I need is just one month where I do really, really well. Where I stick to my goals and the things I need to do, where I just get even better. So hello April!
Plus that realization--that I'm not ready--didn't actually bother me. It's hard, because I want to talk it out now (this is all assuming that he wants to talk it out too), but also, I felt calm. I trust that if that conversation is supposed to happen, then it will, and whenever it happens it will be the right time. I have a good feeling that that conversation is in my future, though.
I just feel glad for a new month. I've been kind of slacking in some areas the past couple months (namely my diet) and I'm just done with that. I don't know why but something about this trip to Kingman this past weekend just made me feel better. Happier, calmer, more hopeful, renewed. It made me think about how I want to work on myself even harder and how much I still need to do.
So this month, I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to be stricter about my diet, I'm going to workout with a vengeance, I'm going to improve at work, I'm going to save money, I'm going to write.
This is more than just a renewed sense of confidence, though. I experienced a really amazing mental shift this weekend that I think will do wonders for me as I continue to get better.
I feel like for a long time, I have this sort of false sense of determination. Like I'll say that I'm going to do this or do that and even though I want to do those things, I can't seem to stick with it. And I always promise myself that this time'll be different and this time it's for real and so on but I also always know that I'm lying to myself. And I hate it but I've also been in a place where I try not to push myself and just do what I can, and it's frustrating to be afraid to push myself, if that makes sense.
But . . . I don't know. All of a sudden this weekend, I believed myself. I told myself, I am going to do this, and I believed. I do believe it. And while this probably doesn't seem like a huge deal, I think it is, because I finally trust myself. I finally believe myself. I finally feel like I can rely on myself. And it is overwhelming and I know that this time it's for real. I love it.
I also realized something else this weekend. I've felt, for quite awhile now, very READY to talk to Corey about us and our relationship. Like I'm ready to have that conversation and all that. And this weekend I realized that I'm actually not completely ready, that I have to work a little more on myself before that conversation happens. I think what I need is just one month where I do really, really well. Where I stick to my goals and the things I need to do, where I just get even better. So hello April!
Plus that realization--that I'm not ready--didn't actually bother me. It's hard, because I want to talk it out now (this is all assuming that he wants to talk it out too), but also, I felt calm. I trust that if that conversation is supposed to happen, then it will, and whenever it happens it will be the right time. I have a good feeling that that conversation is in my future, though.
4.01.2013
An Icky Day
So even though I had a good time in Kingman and was definitely on an up when we got back, today was a difficult day.
I barely slept last night, woke up super late, was late to work (which wasn't a big deal but it still aggravated me), and then just felt off. I felt kind of out of place at work today, which was strange. I think it was just because being back in Kingman made me think of all the things I wanted there, and I just had this sense of . . . almost having suddenly remembered that Flagstaff isn't actually where I wanted to be right now. That I wanted to be in Kingman, with my family, with Corey, that Flagstaff wasn't part of the plan. Which isn't to say that Flagstaff hasn't been good for me and that I haven't done well here (I have a whole post coming about how I have), but still, I felt the regret come back a little. It's an odd thing, wanting to be there but knowing I need to be here, and I think what I want is both: that life, but with this level of mental health. And I try not to think about how I probably will never live in Kingman again and how I won't get a second shot at that life.
I had so much fun hanging out with my family but I know I would have been happier if I'd been going home to Corey.
Anyway. On top of all that I really didn't want to take the rental car back because I liked driving myself to work. And I was too tired to work out which frustrated me.
So really not the best Monday, but I'm confident that tomorrow will be better (a good night's sleep fixes a lot of things), I'm confident that Flagstaff has been the right move for now even if it's not what I want long term, and I'm confident that things with Corey and I will eventually work out however they're supposed to.
I barely slept last night, woke up super late, was late to work (which wasn't a big deal but it still aggravated me), and then just felt off. I felt kind of out of place at work today, which was strange. I think it was just because being back in Kingman made me think of all the things I wanted there, and I just had this sense of . . . almost having suddenly remembered that Flagstaff isn't actually where I wanted to be right now. That I wanted to be in Kingman, with my family, with Corey, that Flagstaff wasn't part of the plan. Which isn't to say that Flagstaff hasn't been good for me and that I haven't done well here (I have a whole post coming about how I have), but still, I felt the regret come back a little. It's an odd thing, wanting to be there but knowing I need to be here, and I think what I want is both: that life, but with this level of mental health. And I try not to think about how I probably will never live in Kingman again and how I won't get a second shot at that life.
I had so much fun hanging out with my family but I know I would have been happier if I'd been going home to Corey.
Anyway. On top of all that I really didn't want to take the rental car back because I liked driving myself to work. And I was too tired to work out which frustrated me.
So really not the best Monday, but I'm confident that tomorrow will be better (a good night's sleep fixes a lot of things), I'm confident that Flagstaff has been the right move for now even if it's not what I want long term, and I'm confident that things with Corey and I will eventually work out however they're supposed to.
Weigh In # 4 (2013)
Today the scale said 180.2. Which was kind of a shitty way to start the day but at the same time, I'm not too worried about it. I slacked off for most of March, mostly diet wise, so I wasn't expecting to have lost much if anything. As far as the gain, like I said, I'm not worried, because my measurements are all the same or within a quarter inch of each other so. Maybe my body's just doing something weird right now or I'm gaining muscle.
I did get better about working out in March. I've been going to the gym and doing a half hour of cardio every day on my lunch hour so that's a good thing. I haven't gone back to yoga since the first time I went, though. Not because I didn't want to but because it just makes for such a long, long day. I just don't really want to be out of the house for 13 hours at a time. I know it would be different if I had a car but for now, it's just not worth it. Maybe eventually, because I do enjoy it though.
I'm feeling pretty good about April though. I mentioned it before but my visit to Kingman this weekend left me feeling pretty upbeat and optimistic, and I'm going to work hard this month.
I did get better about working out in March. I've been going to the gym and doing a half hour of cardio every day on my lunch hour so that's a good thing. I haven't gone back to yoga since the first time I went, though. Not because I didn't want to but because it just makes for such a long, long day. I just don't really want to be out of the house for 13 hours at a time. I know it would be different if I had a car but for now, it's just not worth it. Maybe eventually, because I do enjoy it though.
I'm feeling pretty good about April though. I mentioned it before but my visit to Kingman this weekend left me feeling pretty upbeat and optimistic, and I'm going to work hard this month.
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