2015: A Year In Review

I'm not going to lie, I'm not completely sober right now.  Jerbs and I decided to say in for New Year (shocking, right?), but I wanted to drink, so I've been mixing my own bloody Mary's.  I think I'm doing a great job, these things are good!  Which might not be a good thing but oh well.  I honestly don't remember the last time I drank this much, but I still want to write about 2015 before it's over so . . . here we go.

I feel like 2015 was all around a pretty great year, with some big amazing things that happened in it.

In January, I took my first ever vacation from work.  I didn't actually go anywhere, but I got to not work for 10 days, and that was fucking amazing.  I've never been able to take off that much time, and I've never gotten paid for taking time off before, so that made me feel very grown up.  We got to visit the Flicks in Phoenix, which is always fun, and my mom and sister came to visit.  It was so nice to have my mom in Flag, because she hadn't been up here in so long.  I really enjoyed my little break.  Of course, coming back to work to no one having done what they were supposed to while I was gone sucked, but water under the bridge now.

In February I turned 30 and had probably the worst birthday of my life.  But also in February, I got to enroll in my CPC class and see Eric Paslay live, so those were both good things.  And Jerbs got a new job and FINALLY got to tell Staples to suck it!  I also found out in February that I was going to be a bridesmaid in Theresa's wedding, which was freaking amazing.

In March we almost moved and then didn't.  Also in March my dad brought up all my STUFF and we put it into storage.  It was nice to see my dad but weird to see all my stuff, I'm still not comfortable with that whole situation, but what can you do?  Someday I'll have space for all of my stuff.  March was also when I hit a rough patch at work and things were tense for awhile, but that passed pretty quickly.  March was also Max's 2nd adoption anniversary and Hollie's 1st adoption anniversary, so they got spoiled that month.

In April . . . nothing really big happened.

In May I got to go to Vegas with Theresa and her now in-laws, and that was one of my favorite parts of this whole year.  Other than that it was a pretty uneventful month, I remember it being really freaking cold for May, because it definitely snowed on a day when I wore a skirt to work.

In June I made a concerted effort to get outside more, and Jerbs and I and the dogs went on a couple nice hikes.  I think Trail Day will be an every summer tradition.  Also in June the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage and I absolutely could not be happier about that.  Truly a beautiful decision and one that I am so glad to have happened during my lifetime.

In July I got to to Shannon's wedding and fly on a plane for the first time.  Traveling with my sister and her friends was definitely an experience!  I was glad to get to travel with Austin, though.  And Shannon's wedding was really just lovely, and I was happy to be there for it.  I'm also glad I got to fly in general, because now I have some confidence about it, so hopefully more trips are in my future.  I definitely want to go back to Colorado someday and explore more.

August was uneventful.  I legit don't remember anything exciting happening then.

In September I went to SLC for the first time and had a great time hanging out with Theresa and her in-laws.  That was such a fun trip.  It was a long drive but honestly, being by myself in the middle of nowhere in the middle of night was, in a weird way, exhilirating and empowering, and I'm really glad I got to have that experience.  At the end of September I took and PASSED my CPC test, and I'm incredibly proud that I was able to do that.  I seriously didn't expect to pass on the first try.

October, obviously, started out with another trip to SLC for Theresa's wedding.  That was probably my favorite part of the whole year, because all of it was just so awesome.  I loved getting to back to SLC, I loved getting to see all these new friends I'd made, I love love loved getting to stand by Theresa at her wedding and seeing her so happy . . . all around, just a sincerely amazing experience, and one that I will always remember and cherish.  I don't remember much else about October, I know we carved pumpkins for Halloween.

In November Jerbs and I got to see Book of Mormon!  That was the stand out moment from November without question.  Also in November, the WE network stopped Law and Order Saturdays, which really bummed me out for awhile.  Thanksgiving was quiet and low key as usual.

In December, we got a decent amount of snow in Flag, which made me happy.  Christmas with my family was fantastic.  And that brings me to right now, which is me wearing fuzzy pants and sipping a bloody Mary, waiting to ring in 2016.

Overall, I enjoyed my 2015.  I think all of the best moments are associated with Theresa's wedding, and I'm really glad I got to be a part of all that.  I traveled a lot this year (to Vegas, to Colorado, to Utah twice, to Sedona) and I'm glad about that.  I am not one to get out much but this year has really shown me that I actually enjoy leaving home now and then, and that I'm capable of doing so.  I definitely want to travel more next year.  I'm also really proud of myself for getting my CPC, I think that was a good decision and one that will lead to good things for me professionally.

The biggest disappointment, as always, is that I didn't lose any weight this year.  I thought for sure being a bridesmaid would be the motivation I finally needed to actually lose weight, which didn't happen.  Maybe 2016 will finally be the year?  Hopefully!

As always, I'm both sad and happy for a new year.  Sad to see 2015 end, happy for a clean slate.

Farewell, 2015, you were lovely!

Christmas 2015

Christmas was lovely this year.

I had to work on Christmas Eve (lame), but MHC closed at noon, so as soon as I was off, Jerbs and I loaded the car, made a quick caffeine/donut stop, and got on the road.  All week we'd been hearing it was going to snow and we didn't want to get stuck in any kind of storm on the highway, so we were in a little bit of hurry, but we encountered exactly no snow on the trip.  Once we got to Kingman we went to my mom's and visited with her and Jillian for a bit, then I took Jerbs to her house and said hello to/exchanged Christmas gifts with her parents.  Then I headed over to my sister's house and convinced Austin to help me bring in all the Christmas gifts from my car, which was entertaining.  One thing I want to remember--Austin got this Crayola art kit for Christmas (I think from his Elf on the Shelf?) and he had gotten it out to show me and he left it on the coffee table.  My sister asked him why it was out, and he snapped at her, "I was showing it to Auntica, cuz me and Auntica like art!"  It was so funny, and it makes me so happy that Austin associates me with art in his head.

This year we skipped our tradition of going out to look at Christmas lights again, which just helped prove my theory that our Christmases are far more peaceful when we don't spend any time squished in a car together.  We all just hung out at my sister's and drank wine (well, my sister and I drank wine, and at one point, my mom accusingly asked Jenny, "Did you give your older sister wine??" and it just cracks me up that that's the dynamic of our family--the younger sister being the corrupter and the older sister being the nerd).  We did our one gift on Christmas Eve thing, and Austin gave everyone the gifts he got them at the Secret Santa gift shop at his school, and he apparently forgot about me and didn't get me something (thanks, Saucy).  It was pretty funny when he realized it, and in typical Austin fashion, he didn't feel bad, he just got a little sheepish and then cracked up.  (I honestly don't care one bit that he forgot, for the record).

After we hung out for awhile, my mom and Jill left and I took my dad home, then went and got dinner for Jenny, me, and Austin.  We had In-N-Out, which was awesome.  Austin kept asking if he could open this one gift I got him because he knew it was a book (I always get him a book) and he really wanted to know what it was, so we let him.  The book is 1,000 Jokes for Kids, and as soon as he read the title, he opened it up and said, "OK, guys, joke number one," and my sister just looked at me and was like good job, here we go.  It was freaking hilarious, probably in a you had to be there way, but man we cracked up.  I'm seriously impressed at how well Austin is reading, and I'm glad he liked his book.  He really did tell us jokes all night, too.  Eventually we decided to go look at some Christmas lights; up by my mom's old house there's a wealthy/well known family who always decorates their house really extravagantly for Christmas, and this year they synchronized the light show to music (Wizards in Winter by TSO and that one Christmas song that Alvin and the Chipmunks sing) so we went to see it.  It actually was pretty impressive.  Someone was flying a drone over the lights and Austin thought it was Santa and had a little meltdown about getting home and going to bed haha.  But my sister and I got nostalgic and remembered how when we were kids, the lights on the courthouse downtown would spell out the word "NOEL" across the columns on the building (4 columns, one letter on each column), and we decided to drive down there and see if they still do that.  And sadly, they don't, there's just a swirly thing of lights on each column now, which was more disappointing than you'd think.  But it was still a nice moment with my sister and I'm glad for that.

By then Austin was asleep in the back seat so we headed home and put him to bed, then put out all of his Santa gifts and did the whole milk and cookies thing.  I wrote his Santa letter and then I headed to a motel.

So yeah, this year I decided that instead of staying with my sister, I wanted to stay in a motel by myself.  I love my sister, and I love Austin, but as a Christmas gift to myself, I wanted a night completely alone (no pets, no roommate, no noise) in a big bed all by myself.  I explained that all to Austin and he was pretty whatever about it, so I didn't feel too bad.  And it was so worth it, I legit slept for like 12 hours.  (Minus the part where I woke up at 5 AM to cramps and my period starting out of NOWHERE.  I had no tampons or ibuprofen with me so I had to get dressed (ish, I really just threw on a shirt and pants and put my hair in a pony tail) and run to the gas station up the street.  That was freaking lovely.  But the older guy who checked me out still wished me a Merry Christmas!)  I went back to bed when I got back to my room but I'd rather not have had to deal with that unpleasantness.

Christmas day I went to my sister's and Austin showed me all the stuff he got from Santa.  My sister made buffalo chicken dip which I freaking LOVE, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out, eating that, watching Austin play with all his new stuff, and watching cheesy Christmas romance movies on the Hallmark channel.  Which is super corny, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing it again next year!  I went and picked my dad up for dinner, my mom and Jill came over, and we opened presents.  I seriously got spoiled this year.  After presents we had dinner, and then I decided to stay another night in Kingman instead of going home on Christmas.  (Jerbs and I have had to come back on Christmas the past few years because one of us is usually working the day after, which happily wasn't the case this year).  That night I crashed at my sister's.

The day after Christmas we headed back to Flag, fully expecting snow on the ground when we got here, and there WASN'T ANY, which was actually kind of disappointing after hearing that we'd get snow for almost a whole week before.

Today I was off from work (I electively took it off, which I forgot about until like a week ago, and only remembered because a co-worker said something about it), so I drove down to Sedona and spent the afternoon with Jenna and Theresa.  They've been spending some holiday time in Phoenix with Theresa's family so they drove up.  It was fantastic, I love Sedona and we went to some great Sedona places, like the fudge shop and the cool candle store.  (I'm sure those businesses actually have names but I have no idea what they are).  It was so nice to see them, and I'm really glad we got to spend some time together.  It sucks having a BFF that lives so far away.

Anyway, I'm definitely not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I'm excited for the New Year later this week!

Christmas Cheer

Here are some random things that have made me happy so far this holiday season.

This hedgehog:

He's a present from my boss, who lives in Florida.  She sent a box to the clinic with a little present for everyone in our department, it was so sweet!  She really did an awesome job picking something that fit each person's personality/interests, which is impressive.  I just love my boss, and I'm so excited and touched that she remembered my hedgehog obsession!  I have 3 of them in my office now.

*****

These decorations at work:

The people in Pod 3 put up some festive and cardiology appropriate decorations around their offices and exam rooms.  I rarely go to Pod 3 but I had to last week to talk to a co-worker, and I came across this.  It made me happy so I had to get a pic.

*****

My new wreath:

I wanted to make a new wreath this year, and this is what I came up with.  I wanted something that was simple and kind of rustic/outdoorsy, festive in an understated, elegant way, and I think I accomplished that.  I got the wreath form at JoAnn's and the poinsettias at Michael's.  I love how it turned out!  It looks so nice on our door.  We put red and white lights around the door too, and it really complemented the wreath nicely.

*****

And that brings me to our Christmas lights!  We put up lights on our porch this year--around the front door, around our window, and along the railing.  It's all very festive.  Unfortunately, I can't get a good picture because of the 2 gigantic pine trees in front of our apartment.  I kind of wish we'd thought of that beforehand because all the work feels a little pointless knowing that our lights pretty much can't be seen.  But we have lights and that's exciting!  And we know they're there.  I did briefly consider trying to climb one of the trees to get a picture, but Jerbs shot down that idea pretty quickly (rightfully so, I have to say).

*****

Being rewarded for our generosity.  The week before Thanksgiving, we got a flyer on our door saying that the office was having a food drive, and that anyone who donated had a chance to win a Target gift card.  I didn't really care about winning, but I wanted to help, so Jerbs and I went out and bought a bunch of canned food and donated it.  Like I said, this was back before Thanksgiving, and I'd honestly kind of forgotten about it.  But today when I got home, there was a Christmas card on our door with a $50 Target gift card and a note from the office thanking us for our donations, and saying that we had donated the most of anyone across all 3 complexes in our little group.  I was so happy!  It's nice to feel like we did something to help AND have been rewarded for it.  It was a very pleasant surprise.

*****

I've also been to a Christmas party for each of my jobs this past week, so that was fun.  The SHAF one was at a Mexican restaurant (Salsa Brava), and I hadn't eaten there in years so it was nice to have a reason to.  We had a raffle for Christmas stockings and got to take home the leftover food, so win win!  I remember that last year I was sick when the SHAF Christmas party happened and didn't get to go, so I was really happy to get to this year.  I don't spend a lot of time with my SHAF co-workers and it was nice to get to.  I didn't realize there were so many SHAF employees to be honest, because I only see a few of them on a regular basis.  The MHC party was last Thursday and it was also a lot of fun.  Last year, only like 15 people came to that one, and this year, most of the staff was there, which definitely made it more fun.  Our white elephant gift exchange was waaaay more entertaining with almost 50 gifts instead of just 15.  (Sadly, I didn't end up with anything good this year).  I really love both of my work families, and am glad to have 2 good jobs with so many good people.

*****

Now I'm just looking forward to going home for Christmas!  Jerbs and I are heading down to Kingman as soon as I'm out of work on Christmas Eve, and I can't wait!

SNOW DAY!!!!!

We got a whoooole bunch of snow overnight, and it's still snowing right now.

So MHC is CLOSED today!

Which means I'm sitting at home in my PJ's hanging out with my dogs and watching TV so life is pretty much perfect.

And I got lucky in that I didn't even make it to work before we closed.  I got up early AF this morning to take Jerbs to work, and the snow was terrible.  It took forever to get the car uncovered and dug out (there was a guy plowing the parking lot and he came by and cleared behind the car for us, so that was nice).  Then the roads weren't clear by any stretch of the imagination, not even the highway, and it was still snowing.  So by the time I got her to work and got home to take a shower and get ready for work myself, I was running way behind time wise and knew I was going to be late.  I texted my boss to let her know and then showered/moisturized/blow dried/perfumed and all that stuff.  I was just starting to get dressed when my phone rang.  It was one of my co-workers; she asked if I was on my way in, and when I said I was just about to leave my house, she told me not to bother because they had decided to close the clinic.

So I put my pajamas back on and did a little happy dance (I mean that totally literally).

Best Monday ever.

Thanksgiving 2015

Just like that Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Crazy to think it's almost December already and that Christmas is less than a month away.

This Thanksgiving Jerbs and I did our now traditional Sprouts dinner and watched Thanksgiving episodes of our favorite shows on Netflix.  Dinner was actually a little bit of a disappointment this year, it just didn't taste like it did last year or the year before and I'm not really sure why.  I was sick the whole week of Thanksgiving and had only started feeling better that day, so I'm wondering if that had something to do with it.  It doesn't really matter, I'm thankful that I had a Thanksgiving dinner and a place to eat it in and someone to eat it with at all.  I spent a lot of Thanksgiving thinking about how I should be a lot more thankful for how good I have it, so I'm going to work on that.  All in all it was just a nice, quiet holiday.

Jerbs had to work yesterday, which sucked, but at the same time it wasn't retail Black Friday so she was glad about that.  After she got off we put up a Christmas tree!  It's just a little 3 foot one and it's on our dining table and I'm 99% sure the cats will have it knocked over soon, but still!  It's very pretty and festive and it makes me happy.  This is the first year I've put up a tree since the Christmas I was living with my ex, which also makes me happy, because I've missed my Christmas spirit and it coming back is a good thing.  Definitely a good thing.

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year and it feels good.

Our cute little tree!

Book of Mormon at Gammage

This past Friday, the 6th, Jerbs and I went down to Phoenix to see the musical The Book of Mormon, and it was absolutely fanfreakingtastic.  We've wanted to see it pretty much since it hit Broadway, and Jerbs bought tickets like the second the tour dates were announced, so we'd been looking forward to it for awhile.  (There was a little SNAFU a few days ago--we'd decided to go to the show on a Friday so I didn't have to take a day off work (going to 2 out of state weddings pretty much killed my PTO), and last Monday, Jerbs looked at the tickets and realized she'd bought them for Thursday, the 5th.  Fortunately she was able to exchange them without much trouble, thank goodness, and we got to go as planned).

The drive to Phoenix wasn't bad, and we made good time (like I've said before, the drive to SLC makes 3 hours in the car feel like nothing).  We got down there and had dinner with Betsy (at this Mexican place that I really would like to go to again, BTW); after dinner we wandered around the mall where the restaurant was for a little while.  Then we headed over to Gammage and oh my gosh the traffic right around the theatre was a nightmare.  I got cut off and almost hit a few times, and by the time we parked I was beyond irritated.  Thankfully we made it inside in time, but just barely--we literally sat down at 7:29 (I saw that while I was turning off my phone) and curtain was at 7:30.

It was well worth the stress, though, because the show was amazing.  It was hysterically funny (laughed so hard I cried more than once) and perfectly over the top offensive.  Not as in I was offended in by it, more in a how did they get away with that kind of way.  (Side note--I know the tour was heading to SLC sometime after AZ, because Jenna and Theresa tried to get tickets and the whole run had sold out--I enjoy imagining the Mormons leaving early because they didn't do their research).  And the cast was really good as well, the female lead apparently went to ASU for her undergrad, which I thought was cool.  It was pretty much a full house, I've never seen Gammage that packed.  The bathroom line at intermission was INSANE.  (Another side note--Gammage actually has donation envelopes in the bathrooms so you can give money to the "Golden Gammage Initiative," which is an initiative to build more bathrooms at Gammage.  Seriously, Golden Gammage.  I was so entertained by that).  We found out after the show that Gammage has already booked the second national tour for their 2017 season, and while I hope I won't still be in AZ by then, if I am I'll totally see it again.

After the show I spent way too much money at the merch table, as I always do at shows, but oh well.  I got good stuff so it was worth it!  And I also, as always, donated to Broadway Cares, because that's something that's really important to me.

Anyway, it was definitely a fun and memorable trip, and it kind of reminded me how much I like going to live music things.  I need to do more stuff like that in the future, for sure!

Halloween 2015

Halloween this year was quiet.  Jerbs had to work, so I just hung out at home with the dogs and relaxed.  I fully intended to Netflix myself an X Files marathon but then I just wound up watching HIMYM, because, y'know, I need to see that series for a 10th time.  After Jerbs got off work we went to Michael's and Joann's and bought Halloween stuff for 60% off, which is always fun.

But we did do some Halloween stuff this week.  We carved pumpkins.

My pumpkins.  The one on the left was a stencil
that came with the carving kit.

Jerbs' pumpkins.  Both just freehand.

We put up a festive Halloween wreath.

I converted my summer wreath into a Halloween wreath
for our door.  I just changed out the ribbon and flowers.

I did Halloween stuff at MHC.

My office mate and I put up some decorations
in our window at work.  I think it turned out cute.

I made black velvet homemade Oreos for the
Halloween potluck.

And our complex made a nice gesture.

Not Halloween related, but this was a Happy Fall gift from our complex.
It had candy, an ice scraper, and chapstick in it.

And that's it!  I can't believe tomorrow is the start of NOVEMBER . . . this year has gone by so dang fast!

Another Irene Adventure

Let me tell you about that time Irene disappeared for 13 hours.

This all started yesterday.  Jerbs had to work but I was home all day.  It was not a great day for being at home; I tried to do laundry and washed two loads before I realized that the washing machine was leaking pretty badly, so our laundry room got pretty flooded, and I had to clean up the mess, which was very, very unpleasant.  Thankfully we are very lazy, so there was a pile of towels waiting to be washed on the laundry room floor, which prevented the flood from hitting the kitchen too.  It's mostly aggravating because this happened a couple months ago and maintenance replaced the pump.  Hopefully we'll get a whole new washer/dryer this time . . . but we'll see.  And that all doesn't have much to do with Irene disappearing except that after the massive clean up, I was tired and grouchy and had a headache and decided to take a nap, and I'm pretty sure that's when Irene slipped out of the house.

At any rate, Jerbs got home and after she'd been here awhile she asked where Irene was, and I just kind of shrugged, because really, Irene's a cat.  She hides a lot so when I don't see her for hours at a time I don't worry about it.  And neither does Jerbs.  So we ate dinner and put up Halloween decorations, and then Jerbs took the dogs for a walk and when she came back, she noticed that the screen on our living room window was completely loose at the bottom.  We searched the whole house and Irene definitely wasn't here; Jerbs asked me when I'd last seen her and I think it was when I was cleaning the laundry room.  (And I won't tell Jerbs this but I'm not 100% sure on that, it might have been earlier).  But my assumption is she went out the window while I was asleep.

So we walked the entire apartment complex, no Irene.  We drove to the little shopping complex next door and all the other complexes on the street, no Irene.  We came home and I put ads on Craigslist and Facebook.  By this time Jerbs was completely freaking out because Irene is her baby, and I felt like the absolute worst human being on the face of the planet for losing her cat.  There were definitely some tears.  This was at almost midnight, so I had to go to bed, but Jerbs insisted on staying up to see if Rene came back.

At about 2:30 in the morning, Jerbs woke me up to tell me that Irene was home and safe.  Jerbs heard her meowing and went outside and saw her at the bottom of our stairs and went down and got her, and that was that.  Thank.freaking.goodness.  I was so relieved.

It was just odd, because normally when Irene gets out she immediately starts yelling to get back in, which definitely wasn't the case here.  So we figure that she got out while I was asleep, and cried to get back in but since I was sleeping I didn't hear her.  We think that she eventually gave up and just went to sleep somewhere where she felt safe, and was either too asleep or too scared to come to us when we were calling for her.

That freaking cat, I swear.  But as annoying as she is, I'm very glad she came home.

PASSED!!!!!!!!!!

I passed my CPC exam!!!

I found out while I was at work today via the AAPC website.  I immediately called my boss, who was very congratulatory and sent out a company wide email congratulating me.  So that was exciting.

I'm still in shock.  I honestly thought I was going to have to retake that test.  Like . . . I really didn't think I'd pass on the first try.

Granted, I barely passed with the minimum score for certification.  But as my boss pointed out, people hiring you don't ask for your score, they just look at your certification, so who cares?  I freaking passed!  I think I'd have done better if I hadn't rushed, but I was so consumed with finishing before time was up that I definitely went faster than I needed to.

I'm so happy!!  And SO proud of myself!!  My co-workers were all very proud as well, and that felt good.

Also, today is ICD-10 implementation day and it's already a disaster . . . kinda glad I'm on vacation!

And on that note, Jerbs and I are getting ready to leave for SLC so I'm off to finish packing!

CPC Exam

So I took my CPC certification test today.

I honestly have no idea how I did.  Like . . . I really just don't have a strong feeling either way.  I don't feel like I did super awesome, but I don't feel like I bombed either.  If pressed I would say that I probably didn't pass and am going to have to take it again.

Let's see.  It sucked to get up that early on a Saturday.  The test environment was a little bit cramped, so I couldn't spread out as much as I'd hoped I'd be able to, but whatever.  The AAPC is apparently very serious about preventing cheating and stuff, so it was a very interesting experience.  The test was split up by CPT section, so that was nice, since all the practice tests weren't and I wasn't expecting it.  There was also a whole section on anatomy, which I definitely had not studied in preparing for the test, so . . . yeah.  I'm sure that section of my test is a complete disaster haha.

I finished in 3.5 hours, which is pretty fast, so I don't know if that's good or bad.  I definitely think I was rushing because I was so paranoid about not finishing in the time allowed, and I overdid it a little.  But by the time I was finished, I really didn't see the point in going back because I'm just not someone who really changes their mind on tests like that, so I just handed in my test and left.  The lady next to me wasn't even half finished and seemed to be really struggling, and I felt bad for her.  It kind of made me realize how lucky I am to be getting hands on experience in this field, and how lucky I've been to have my boss there to guide me, since she just passed her exam 6 months ago.  (Almost exactly).

Now I just have to wait.  Test results show up on your account on the AAPC website before they're officially mailed to you, so I'll be logging on regularly the next few days to see how I did.  I hope I find out before I leave for SLC on the first so that I'm not thinking about it during the wedding weekend, but I'm not sure that'll happen.

I'm crossing my fingers but not getting my hopes up.

Salt Lake City Trip # 1: Bridal Shower

This past weekend (3 day Labor Day weekend woohoo!) I made the trip to SLC for Theresa and Jenna's joint bridal shower.  I went by myself, and holy hell, that drive is ridiculous.  By the time I got home I was pretty much dead on my feet.  It didn't help that I didn't sleep well at all last week, that I had to go to urgent care Friday morning, aka the morning I left (long story), that I had to stay later than anticipated at work the day I left, and that I had to make a stop at job # 2 before I left.  Plus I had to pick up my rental car so . . . yeah, it was kind of a stressful send off.  It was definitely one of those things where I felt rushed and unprepared even though I'd known I was making this trip for a long time, and I found myself really frustrated with that.  Honestly, I need to get over this whole procrastination thing . . . but that's neither here nor there.

I finally got on the road to SLC around 3 PM, and I just drove and drove and drove.  For the trip up I went through Page on the 89, and once I actually got into Utah I had some issues.  Apparently the bottom part of Utah is just all these small towns along the 89, and the 89 just curves and curves and curves through all of them.  By the time I hit this part of the trip it was dark, and curvy roads that I'm not familiar with in complete darkness=basically when I'm at my worst driving.  I kept having to slow down and it just sucked.  Twice I thought I had missed something in my directions and had to turn around and retrace my steps.  Finally I made it to the point where I moved from the 89 to the 15 North, and that helped a lot.  The 15 is a highway highway, and the speed limit is 80, and it's well lit and smooth, so that part was a lot easier.  I definitely had a moment when I saw the first sign that had the distance to SLC on it where I was just so disappointed, because I saw the sign and was just like, "How the hell am I still so far away when I've been driving so long??"  But really, at that point all you can do is drive, so I did.  I got checked into my hotel around 1:30 in the morning.  I pretty much got to my room, took off my clothes, and fell into bed.

Saturday was the day of the shower and, not surprisingly, I spent a good chunk of it getting lost trying to find Theresa's apartment, because addresses in Utah can sometimes be said backwards, if that makes sense.  I got confused but eventually figured it out, and I rode with them to the shower.  (I made them late and felt terrible, incidentally).  The shower was outside, and it was beautiful but insanely windy, so there were a lot of pauses where we just had to hold things down, but it was a lot of fun.  Jenna's sisters did a great job of hosting.  I also met a few new people who live in SLC, so that was exciting.  It was a great group, and I'm looking forward to seeing them all again at the wedding.  (In less than a month, eek!!)

After the shower Theresa and I (and their roommate, Zach) went back to their place, where Theresa and I watched football and talked about wedding details.  Later, the two of us and the Goldmans went to the Girl Scout camp that Jenna ran over the summer, which was awesome!  It's a really beautiful camp and I loved getting to see it.  We saw deer at the camp, and moose on the drive up and down (one each way!) so that was really cool.  The camp is near Provo, so it was quite a drive, but the Goldmans are awesome company.  After Trefoil we had dinner at Red Iguana, a Mexican place, which pretty much made my day because I actually found out about Red Iguana a few weeks ago and had been planning to eat there during the wedding trip, so when that was already the plan, I was thrilled.  And the food did not disappoint, some pretty solid amazingness right there.  (I'm already craving it and can't wait to go back).  It was a long and exhausting day but so much fun.

On Sunday we all had breakfast at Theresa's, she made some delicious stuffed french toast.  Then we went to David's Bridal and picked out new bridesmaid shoes, and then we visited the venue where the wedding and reception will be taking place.  The place is absolutely incredible, like mind blowingly beautiful, and completely perfect for Jenna and Theresa's wedding.  It just fits them, and seeing the venue just made me even more excited for the wedding.

I left SLC a solid 3 hours later than intended, but it was worth it to see the venue.  I took a different route home so I could go through Las Vegas (this route was completely the 15, and it's the route Jerbs and I will take when we drive to SLC for the wedding) and pick up my bridesmaid's dress from Kelly, another bridesmaid who lives there.  I spent some time just chatting with her, so that was nice.  Once I had my dress I got on my way, only to get pulled over for speeding right outside Boulder City.  I thought the speed limit was 65 so I was going 75 (I know, I was speeding, but I thought by only 10 mph), and it turns out the speed limit where I was is actually 45.  So yeah, good job Ica.  Really everything about this situation was not in my favor, because I was speeding near Vegas at 2 AM in a car with California plates so . . . yeah.  The cop asked me if I'd been arrested before, which freaked me the fuck out.  I mean, why ask that unless you're planning on arresting someone?  I was terrified I was going to end up in jail in Boulder City in the middle of the night . . . but thankfully, he just gave me a speeding ticket.  Which yes, sucks, but I didn't even care, I was just thankful I didn't get arrested.

Then I had to turn around just outside of Kingman for gas, because I'd thought I had enough gas for the trip and about 20 miles out my fancy rental car told me it could only go another 45 miles with what was in the tank.  I knew I couldn't make it to Seligman on that so my only choice was to turn around (in one of the little cop parking places that you are definitely not supposed to turn around in, so yay).  I was so upset.  I got gas and finally finally finally got on the road.  At this point I was so tired I don't even know how I made it home.  I was also really really angry so I was pretty much hating life during that drive.  I finally got home at like 3 in the morning and just crashed, and felt much better after I got some sleep.

This morning I tried on my dress, and I am thrilled because it fits perfectly and I actually kind of like how I look in it.  Having my dress here kind of makes it sink in a little more that the wedding is coming up, and fast!  I can't wait!

Final Passed, CPC Course Finished

I passed my class final with a 90 and averaged an 88 in the class.  I'm really really happy with that score.

Now I just have to prepare for the exam and hopefully pass that!

And So It Goes

I feel like my life goes like this: nothing going on nothing going on nothing going on FIFTY THINGS GOING ON AT ONCE.

Right now I just feel a little overwhelmed.

MHC--Is busier than ever.  I have more job duties than ever, which is fine, but I'm honestly feeling a little . . . burnt out, I guess.  It's just getting a little monotonous, same thing day after day after day, to the point that some days I just genuinely don't want to be there.  A couple of co-workers are just on my last nerve too and that's frustrating.  Not for any new reasons either, just the same issues over and over and over again that no one seems to want to address and fix.  I mean, overall I'm still really happy at my job, I think it's just some burn out.

SHAF--Is still behind, and I have zero desire to get it caught up.  I'm going to, but it takes a lot of effort on my part.  We just get busier and busier there, and between my full time job and the non-work stuff I have going on, I just don't have the time I should to do my second job.  I like working there and the money helps so much, but I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to do it.  And Theresa's wedding is at the beginning of October, and I'm pretty much going to be in SLC the whole first week of the month, which is during SHAF's billing cycle, and I don't even know how to tell my boss that.  She's not going to be happy.  Honestly, if it came down to it, I'd just quit.  I mean, I'm already thinking about it anyway, and if it came down to choosing between that job and the wedding, believe me, there is no contest.  But we'll see.

CPC Course--I'm actually finished with all the chapter work for the course, which is awesome.  I just have to take the final now.  I actually already took it once, last night, and got a 69% . . . and you need a 70% to pass the class.  Missed it by a freaking point!  Fortunately you get two tries, so now I have to re-take it.  I just have to be finished before September first, so I don't have to pay the extension fee (you have 6 months to take the class, and my 6 months are up at the end of August).  And yes, I realize that September first is the day after tomorrow at this point.  Once the class is finished I take the actual certification test, and that's on September 26th.  I need to pass with a 70% to get my certification, and I'm really really really really really hoping to do it on the first try.  The test is actually an in person proctored exam, so that'll be fun.

Aside from that . . . I finally got my oil changed Friday after going a shameful amount of miles without one.  My check engine light came on on Thursday and as soon as it did I realized I hadn't changed my oil in over a year.  (Good job, adult Ica).  The light went off as soon as the oil was changed, so now I'm just kinda praying that my engine continues to run correctly.

Dogs, cats, and Jerbs are all fine and dandy.

I'm going to SLC next weekend for Theresa and Jenna's joint bridal shower, and I'm SO excited about it!

Move In Day Nostalgia

Today was move in day at NAU.

It was an overcast day with a few thunderstorms (AKA perfect), and I found myself thinking about how much college me would have loved a move in day like this.  Coming back up the mountain to rain after a hot summer in Kingman would have made me so very happy.

Back then move in day was my absolute favorite, because I was always so glad to come back up to Flagstaff and be back in school and see all my friends.  And I knew that a beautiful fall was right around the corner, so it was always just a happy time for me.  (Now I hate move in day, because I much prefer living in Flagstaff when it's not crawling with douche bag college kids, but I digress).

Earlier this week, I went on a Dunkin' Donuts run in the afternoon, and there were some flag line girls practicing in the parking lot next to DD (DD is right by campus, so they were in the parking lot of what I think is Disability Services . . . that's what it was when I was in school, anyhow).  It definitely made me nostalgic for marching band and football games.

Add all of this to the fact that I've been reading through my old LiveJournal, which encompasses my whole college experience, and it's just been a nostalgic kind of week.

As much fun as it is to look back on my college days here in Flagstaff, it also helps me to really understand why I want to leave Flagstaff, but that's for another time and another entry.

A Rough Week

Let me tell you about the time I had a mental breakdown because of air freshener.

So first, some background: I spray air freshener in my bedroom every night before I go to bed.  I like to smell something soothing while I'm falling asleep, and those better sleep tips almost always include having a scent you associate with sleep and spraying it at night.  I used to use the pillow spray they sell at Bath and Body Works, but it's really expensive for how small the bottles are; then I switched to Febreze's night time line but that's disappeared from the stores, so now I just spray air freshener.  I usually use a lavender/vanilla Febreze, but if the store's out of that I'll just buy whatever.

So this past Sunday Jerbs and I went shopping, and they didn't have the lavender stuff.  But they did have this Febreze kind called Pumpkin Bliss, and even though I think it's a little too early for fall stuff, I got excited and bought it.

That night, I got ready for bed like always and sprayed my new air freshener.  It smelled really good and very fall-y, and I thought it would definitely help me sleep.  I was very, very wrong.

While I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I started to think that this pumpkin air freshener smelled familiar, like it was making me think of something.  I realized that it smelled EXACTLY like this pumpkin air freshener Jerbs and I got at Bath and Body Works way back in 2009, when we first moved to the complex we live in now, when we got our 2 bedroom place after we broke up.  We put that air freshener in our living room, and I guess I associated that smell with that place.  And smelling it again just took me right back to that time in 2009, when the break up was still really raw and I was struggling with having moved but at the same time hopeful that the move would be a new start for me.

And it was all just overwhelming.  In a way that I can't even really explain.  But I suddenly found myself feeling so nostalgic for that time, when I was younger and before I got really sick and when I had my own space and potential, and I got sad thinking about how little I've accomplished since then, and how much better that time was (in some ways), and I felt guilty about everything I've put Jerbs through since then and how nice she's been to me, and then I thought about how it was my meeting Corey that put an end to that era and I got sad and bitter about that.  And all of those feelings inevitably lead to thinking about how behind I feel in life, and how I feel like I haven't reached my true potential, and how that is entirely because of being bipolar.  So I just laid in bed and cried my eyes out for a couple hours; I eventually fell asleep but I didn't sleep well, so Monday morning was not pleasant.

I almost faked sick and asked to leave early, but instead I requested Friday (today) off, just because I needed a mental health day.  Thankfully it got approved, so I got to just chill at home and relax today, which was nice.  And Jerbs bought me dinner at Beaver Street Brewery, which is a good solution for most problems.

Anyway, I survived Monday, but on Tuesday I was still just in a funk.  Then Wednesday my period started, which helped exactly NOTHING.  I felt like crap yesterday too.  I seriously didn't work out all week, I didn't even try to eat decently, I was just . . . out of it.  Depressed and angry and just out of it.  It sucked.

But today I got to just chill at home and hang out with Jerbs, and that helped a LOT.  Jerbs bought me dinner at Beaver Street Brewery too, which is always great.

I'm feeling better now, but I still feel like I just have a lot on my mind.  I've just been thinking a lot about my life lately, about what I haven't done and what I want to do, and I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but . . . I think a combination of still being in mental health recovery and having turned 30 contribute to that kind of thinking.

Right now, though, life is good.  I like my job.  I'm OK financially.  I'm more engaged than I've ever been.  I'm almost finished with my CPC class.  My BFF is getting married in 2 months and I get to be a part of that, and after the wedding is Halloween and fall and Christmas and all my other favorite things so . . . I really can't complain.

There are just times when I really think about how much of my life this BS mental illness has caused me to miss, and it seems so colossally unfair that I can't shake it.

But I can't do anything about that now, so the next best thing is to just make the most of every single second from here on out.

Sunset Trail

We had to skip a few Trail Days for various reasons (rain, exhaustion, being out of town, etc.) so it's been a few weeks, but today Jerbs, me, and the dogs were finally able to get out on a trail again.

Jerbs picked Sunset Trail, and for the first time since I started Trail Day, we found the correct trail and did the whole thing.  Sunset's a short little hike (0.6 miles, so 1.2 miles total) that goes along McMillan Mesa, and it was probably the prettiest trail yet.  The views were amazing and we were quite a bit higher up than I expected.

The view!

These little bird (or bat) houses are scattered
along the trail.

Another little house.

And another one.

The view of Mt. Elden from the trail.

Evening primrose (I think).

The trail.

Hollyhocks.

And Hollie the dog.

Colorado//First Plane Ride//Shannon's Wedding

I'm home from my trip to Colorado, and now that I've slept for approximately 14 hours, I finally feel awake enough to write about it.

I left last Thursday, after I made sure the cats were going to survive 4 days home alone.  Jerbs left for San Diego last Tuesday night, so all of the animal and house preparing fell to me (yay, my favorite).  I get super paranoid about that kind of stuff, so I spent all my after work time on Wednesday making sure various things were unplugged and taking out trash and setting out bowls of food and water for the cats and making sure there was nothing in the fridge that would go bad, etc. etc. etc.  I also managed to do most of my packing somewhere in there, which of course made exactly zero difference in being able to leave on time on Thursday because I just don't do on time, I guess.

I worked a half day Thursday, then put in a little time at job # 2.  Then I came home and triple checked everything in the house, showered, finished packing, loaded up the car and hit the road.  I was just over halfway to Flagstaff when I randomly started wondering if I had locked a cat in the laundry room.  I seriously considered turning around and driving back to check, but talked myself out of it.  I had checked the laundry room before I left, but I'd only kind of glanced because I was in a hurry, so . . . yeah.  I kind of talked myself into a panic about it.  (Happily, I did NOT lock any cats in the laundry room when I left, but those fatties did manage to eat all the food I put out for them so . . . good job, cats).

I drove to Kingman and dropped my dogs and their stuff off at my mom's (she was nice enough to watch them for me), then I spent the night at my sister's.  (Austin was so happy to see me, when he saw me at my mom's he said he'd been waiting ALL DAY for me to get there haha).  Our flight from Vegas to Denver was at 6:20 in the morning, which mean we got up around 2 AM to be on the road by 3.  This all happened after staying up until at least 11 the night before, so it was not the most pleasant experience.  The whole way to Vegas my sister (needlessly) worried that we were going to miss our flight, which made the whole thing even more fun.

So the flight.  This was actually my first time ever flying, so I was really excited and nervous about it.  The security stuff was kind of anxiety inducing, I was very worried that I was going to get stopped for extra stuff--not that there was any reason at all that I would be, but still.  On the plane, I sat with Austin, so he got the window seat, but since he's so short I was able to see over him.  Let me tell you, I really surprised/impressed myself with how calm I was about flying.  Like, I fully expected to be shit terrified, but . . . I was just completely at ease.  Take off was a little weird, just because you kind of get thrown back in your seat as the plane goes up, and it's a strange sensation when you experience it for the first time.  Once we were in the air, the only thing that scared me was when the plane would kind of roll to the side.  That's the only way I can think to describe it, and I think it happens when the plane moves in a curved line, if that makes sense.  It's kind of creepy to be looking out the window and then just have it dip to one side, so that scared me quite a bit.  But the flight to Denver was really smooth and the landing was smooth too, so overall I think I got lucky to have that particular flight as my first one.  (Flight home was not so great but more on that later).

Once we got to Denver, we picked up a rental car and drove to Colorado Springs (about an hour away).  Then my sister and her friend, Jen, who had flown out with us, had the rehearsal dinner.  At that point I actually took the rental car and drove back to the Denver airport to pick up Jen's boyfriend, who had flown out from Phoenix.  Weirdly, that drive was one of the highlights of the trip for me.  Before I left, my sister freaked out because I don't have GPS on my phone, and I just looked up the directions online and wrote them down.  Then the exit I was supposed to take was closed, which initially made me panic, because I was on a packed 4 lane highway in a strange city/state, so I just kept driving, intending to turn around and try to hit my intended exit from the other direction.  But then I saw signs for the airport at a different exit a few miles up the road and just followed those, so basically I ended up taking the highway instead of a toll road, which just adds about 20 minutes onto the trip, not really a big deal.  So I made it to the airport, followed the signs to the terminal (based on just knowing the airline BTW), then followed the signs to passenger pick up, and smoothly and successfully picked up Jen's boyfriend.  Then I just followed the signs to get back on the road to Colorado Springs, and we successfully made it back.  I was so fucking proud of myself!  I mean, I still get lost in Flagstaff sometimes, but I was able to drive to an airport in a place I'd never been to pick someone up.  It made me happy.  And confident.  And my sister was very impressed that I did all that without GPS.  So go me.

The next morning, my sister and Jen left super early to get ready for the wedding, so Stevie (another friend of my sister's who came with us) and I were in charge of Austin.  We had breakfast at the hotel (Austin prayed over the meal and thanked Jesus that Stevie and I were there to take him to breakfast, it was very sweet).  Then we all got ready for the wedding, which involved multiple texts from my sister to make sure I was actually getting Austin ready.  The three of us and Jen's boyfriend had to take a cab out to the Airforce base where the wedding was, which was interesting.  The driver told us a bunch of the history of the base, which was cool, but it was a long drive that cost $55, which was less fun.

The chapel on the base, where the ceremony was, is a really beautiful place.  I had Austin write I love you and his name in the guest book, it was cute.  The ceremony was really pretty, very traditional and elegant; I really liked the chaplain who officiated.  My sister (and all the bridesmaids, a lot of whom I know through her and Shannon) looked amazing, and Shannon was just a stunning bride.  I definitely cried during the ceremony, not just because it was a wedding, but because I was watching someone I've known since she was a little kid get married.  Weird, but in a good way.  I'm very, very happy for Shannon and her husband.  They definitely seem like a good fit.

After the ceremony the 4 of us who took the cab together got a ride back to our hotel with one of my sister's friends, Lindsey.  I'd never met her before that day (at least not that I remembered, but she said we were introduced once a long time ago at my sister's in Kingman), but she was very nice, and I was glad for the ride because I definitely didn't want to either wait for my sister to be finished with pictures or shell out another $55 for a cab ride!  My sister did pick us up for the reception, though.

The reception was fun, we sat with some nice people who are friends of Shannon's husband.  The food was good (Austin said to my sister, "This is what you should make at home, Mom!").  My sister gave a very nice MoH speech that made me cry.  And then at some point the whole thing turned into a rave, and I just . . . well, it's just not my kind of thing.  I don't like loud music or strobe lights or drunk people, so I was a little out of my comfort zone.  I did dance, a little, when forced to by the bride haha, but that was about it.  In retrospect, I wish I'd been a little more confident and had more fun, but I am who I am so oh well.  We finally left, which, for me, involved playing DD (joy).  I was in such a shitty mood by then I almost felt bad but whatever, it had been a long night, my shoes hurt, and again, I don't like hauling around drunk people.  It was an amazing feeling to finally get back to our hotel (which took awhile because I didn't have directions and everyone I was with was too drunk to help me) and go to bed.  My sister went to the after party, and I vaguely remember her stumbling in at like 2 AM, but aside from that, I was freaking out.

The next morning I took Austin swimming for a little while, then I took a walk around the neighborhood where our hotel was.  It's the downtown area, so it's a really old, really residential area, and I wanted to see it.  I looked at some pretty houses and met a cat who lived at one of them, he came over the fence and let me pet him.  Later we actually went over to Shannon's house to visit her and say goodbye.  She has a pet hedgehog that I got to hold, so that was exciting.  (I want a hedgehog SO bad, but you have to have a wildlife license to own one in AZ).  We had a nice visit, then had dinner at Applebees and went back to our hotel to pack and get ready to leave the next day.

Monday we got up early so we could go to the Garden of the Gods before we left for Denver, which was definitely worth it.  It was beautiful, and it was something I was hoping to see while we were there.  I took a bunch of pictures that I don't really feel like posting, but it was just lovely.  We stopped for coffee at Starbucks and then got on the road back to Denver.  We made really good time, got to the airport and returned the rental car, got to the terminal and made it through security a full two hours before our flight was scheduled to take off.  So we had a nice sit down lunch and felt pretty dang proud of ourselves.  After lunch we went souvenir shopping in the airport shops, then went to our gate to wait for our flight.  This was the point where everything started to go downhill.

About 20 minutes after we were supposed to start boarding, just as we were starting to wonder why we weren't on the plane yet, they announced that the flight was delayed by 2 hours.  Apparently, the plane was flying Seattle to Denver, and was held up because of bad weather in Seattle.  So we killed 2 hours doing basically nothing, and finally got on the plane.  (Side note: the guy I was sitting next to told Jen and I about how once, years ago, his flight out of Dallas got grounded after he was already on the plane, and he sat in the plane on the runway for 6 hours . . . so I guess our little delay wasn't all that bad).  By the time we boarded it was looking pretty stormy out in Denver, and the take off was rough.  The first half of the flight was pretty rough too, with lots of patches of turbulence, which was a little nerve wracking.  Plus the cabin lights wouldn't stay off or on for awhile, they just flickered, which made for a pretty spooky/ominous atmosphere.  The landing in Vegas was rough too, so the whole flight home experience was not great.  And stepping out into the Vegas heat (it was 103 degrees out when we landed) after spending 4 days in 70 degree weather was just . . . blech.

We drove back to Kingman, where things continued to go wrong: within 20 minutes of being back at my sister's, we had to take one of her dogs to an emergency vet.  Long story that involved me having to find an ATM, but the dog thankfully is fine, she just had a concussion.  By this time it was almost 9:30 PM, and I finally made it to my mom's and picked up my dogs (who were just delighted to see me).  I had planned to visit my dad, but by then I figured he was asleep so I was just going to go home, but my mom mentioned he had been waiting up for me, so I ended up going to his house and was there for probably about 45 minutes.  It was nice to see him, and we had a nice visit.  He just got back from a trip to visit his family in Ohio, so we got to talk about that and I told him about the Denver trip.

I stopped and got gas and finally, at around 10:30, got on the road home.  I got on the 40 East at Andy Devine (like always), and went maybe half a mile, and then traffic was completely stopped.  Like, completely stopped.  I was literally parked on the effing highway.  I texted Jerbs (she was home in Flag by then) and asked her to look online and see what was up.  Apparently, a couple miles up the road from where I was, there had been a vehicle on fire, so crews were working on that.  Traffic started moving again (VERY slowly) around 11:20, but one lane was still closed so between the merging and the huge amount of back up (mostly semis), it was about another 20 minutes before I was actually driving at highway speed.  I finally got home around 1:30 AM, and I don't think I've ever been so grateful to see Flagstaff or my crappy little apartment.  I walked in, set up the dogs' bed, gave Jerbs a hug, and just fell into bed.  It was glorious.  I woke up this afternoon and ordered a pizza and felt very very grateful that I thought to take today off, because no way could I have functioned at work today.

Overall, it was a good trip, and I'm glad I went and I appreciate my sister booking the flight and hotel and everything.  I do have to say that, as much as I love my sister, she and I are just drastically different people, and 4 straight days together with very little time apart really brings that out.  I don't necessarily think that she and I make good traveling buddies.  As for flying, I didn't mind it, and I'm glad that now I at least know how to fly, like I know how to get around an airport and all that, which I'm sure is a useful skill to have.  But I have to say it wasn't my favorite, I think because so much of it is hurry up and wait, y'know?  Like waiting in line at security, then waiting in line at the gate, then waiting in line for the rental car . . . just too much down time.  It makes me feel like I'm wasting time, somehow, so I think I'll stick to road trips when I'm able to.  But that's just me.

I will say that seeing my sister and Jen as bridesmaids made me even more excited to be in Theresa's wedding this fall!

Summer So Far

So far this summer has been really, really wet.  Seriously, we've had rain almost every single day since the beginning of June, and a lot of it's been some pretty awesome thunderstorms.  I love it, because the weather has been just amazing and not blisteringly hot, plus we haven't had any wildfires, which is always a plus!  (I'll never forget the summer of 2010, when Flagstaff was literally surrounded by fires, I'm in no hurry to repeat that experience).  I'm looking forward to the full on monsoon season this month.

Aside from that, it's been pretty uneventful.  I'm doing well health/fitness wise, work is good, Jerbs and the dogs are good . . . we have pretty boring lives, I think.

I am happy that I've been getting outside more and accomplishing some of the goals I set for the summer.

I'm also happy that the fireworks didn't get rained out tonight, because it did rain earlier in the day and was overcast all day long.  We watched them from our porch (not a super great show this year TBH), then spent a good chunk of time trying to convince Hollie and Max the world hadn't ended.  It took a lot of treats but they're fine now haha.

Next week Jerbs and I are both going on separate vacations (to CA and CO, respectively).  She's off to Comic Con and I'm going to a wedding, so that should be fun.  I legitimately don't remember the last time we were both out of town but not going to the same place.

And that's about it.  I'm hoping the rest of the summer will continue to be nice and rainy, and that I can get in a lot more outdoor activity as well.

Happy Day//Making History

Today I woke up to the AMAZING news that the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage.  Best start to a day I've had in a long, long, long time.

I'm so unbelievably happy about this.

I feel like I'm part of a generation that was coming of age right as the fight for gay rights was becoming a major issue.  I remember being 17 and a junior in high school and writing my argumentative essay for AP English about why gay marriage should be legal.  At the time I was just starting to question my own sexual orientation and it mattered to me.  I was also pretty sheltered at the time, and since I was raised by fairly liberal parents, I had no idea how much backlash I was going to get for it.  (Seriously, my peer review group for that essay was one of the worst experiences of my life).  Then I went to college, met a bunch of people who were like me (both as far as supporting gay rights and as far as not being heterosexual), and contributed to that fight however I could.  So really, even though I've mostly been on the sidelines and have given support from a distance, I feel like the fight for gay rights has always been a part of my life.  And I've seen a lot of victories and a lot of steps in the right direction, but nothing has felt as good or as significant as this.

I'm happy for all of my friends who can get married legally even if they live in a state that wouldn't typically honor anything but straight marriage.  I'm happy for my friends who are already married and now don't have to worry about their marriage being legal if they move to a different state.  I'm happy we finally have a government that's willing to take a stand for equal rights and apply the law and the constitution fairly and not try to make religious leanings into law.  I'm happy that as a girl who identifies as bisexual, the legality of my (hopefully someday) marriage won't changed based on whether I end up with a man or a woman.

Definitely a day for celebrating.  Thank you, Supreme Court!

Thorpe Trail

Jerbs was off today, so she got to come on Trail Day with the dogs and me.  (Incidentally, my dogs now get super excited if you say Trail Day to them, it's pretty entertaining).

I let Jerbs pick the trail, but we ended up not being able to find the trail head for the one she chose (my biggest beef with the FUTS system is that the trails are only marked as FUTS trails, but not the name of the actual trail).  We ended up doing a different trail so we still had fun.  Today we did 1.53 miles, so go us.

Trail Day!

So a week ago today, on the 11th, I got off work a little early and wasn't really sure what to do with myself.  It was almost 5:30 and I knew I had to pick Jerbs up from work at 7, so I didn't really want to drive all the way home and do nothing.  I also didn't feel like putting in time at job # 2 (I'd already been there during my lunch break).  I thought about hitting up the craft stores or something like that, but it didn't sound appealing either.  So I decided to go home, grab my dogs, and take them on a nice long walk.  And instead of just a boring walk around home, I decided I wanted to go out on one of the FUTS (Flagstaff Urban Trails System) trails.  I've been wanting to hike/explore Flag more, so I figured why the hell not?

I drove home, changed, got the dogs and some water, and we drove to Fox Glenn Park, which is where Fox Glenn Trail starts.  I left my phone and pedometer in the car, so I didn't take any pictures and I don't know how far we walked, but it was a lot of fun!  The trail was pretty flat and easy, and the scenery was beautiful.  The dogs really enjoyed themselves, especially Hollie, because there were lots of prairie dog/gopher holes along the trail for her to stick her face in.  (I swear, she's going to end up with the plague one of these days).  We actually only walked half the trail before we had to head back.  It was a good work out and it wore out the dogs, both things that make me happy.

So I decided to make it a weekly thing.  I went to city hall and got an official FUTS maps so I know where all the trails are and everything, and I bought a backpack so I could bring water and the dog's collapsible bowl and all that stuff with us.  

Today the dogs and I did part of Switzer Canyon Trail (which was not the trail I intended to do, I just suck at reading maps).  It was so pretty and again, the dogs got all worn out and I feel like I got a decent work out.  This time I remembered my pedometer AND my phone (camera), so I got some pictures and I know I walked 2.09 miles.

The trail.

The scenery along the way.

Besties.

Adventurous puppies.

 

Three Years

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the break up.  I know we're kind of at a point where it's weird that I remember it but: A) it was kind of a major event so of course it sticks in my head, and B) I have a tendency to remember dates anyway, and this is definitely not the weirdest one I remember.  Plus the day of the break up was also Ex-Fiance's last day of school, so we were actually counting down to it anyway back then.

Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been.  The change never ceases to amaze me.  I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months.  Survive the next 6 months and go from there."  (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together).  Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal.  It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you.  There really are no words.

The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life.  I've changed more than I ever thought possible.  I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you.  I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory.  I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function.  To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw).  I never expected to thrive.

But I am thriving.  I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in.  I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me.  And I've got a whole other job on top of that one!  I'm financially stable and independent.  I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next.  I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be.  (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).

I'm not perfect.  There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with.  I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas.  And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits.  Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends.  It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states.  And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult.  Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups.  (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).

One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened.  A lot of it is small things.  Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff.  And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health.  Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him.  So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it.  Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling.  It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do.  I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.

It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later.  It's not a consistent feeling.  Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him.  Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.

I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it.  To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go.  I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore.  I am angry that he never came back.  More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then.  I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.

I wonder, all the time, about that.  I have for three years now.  I wonder what it would be like to be around another now.  If we'd still get along.  If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back.  I wonder about him, too, sometimes.  About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective.  Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.

I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go.  That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon.  I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up.  I wish so much that I had done things differently back then.  I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away.  I'm OK with that.  Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.

I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him.  I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned.  If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen.  As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am.  I'm not sorry for it.

But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life.  I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life.  I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.

So that's that, I suppose.  Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me.  I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not.  And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing.  I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that.  I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!