2013: A Year In Review

I swear, I thought of a good subtitle for this and of course didn't write it down and have now forgotten it.  Bummer.

At any rate, I can't believe it's New Year's Eve.  It's just a little bit mind blowing that 2013 is almost over!  It has been quite a year for me.  Probably the best year of my adult life thus far.

I got a job right at the beginning of the year, and in about two weeks I'll be having my first yearly eval there.  I am so incredibly happy with where I work I can't even tell you.  I genuinely don't mind going to work anymore, and I'm so glad to be able to support myself financially.  Having the job I have now makes me feel like a functioning adult and it's glorious.

I turned 28 in February.  Twenty.  Eight.  It sounds so close to 30 it freaks me out a little.  Kinda dreading the 29 coming up here soon, but I don't really get a choice in the matter, do I?  I also bought a bed in February, and it felt awesome to drag my crappy old air mattress down to the dumpster.

In March I adopted Max.  As much of a pain in the ass as he is sometimes, I think it was a good move.  Just like with Benji, it's been very rewarding and heart warming to watch Max go from being scared and skinny to being friendly and sweet and playful.  His hair is all fluffy now and he plays fetch and sits and shakes hands, and he loves me and Jerbs.  Strangers he's still iffy around but he's getting there.  I love Max.  Not as much as I love Benji, I'll admit that, but still, I love him.

In May I bought a car, and that was probably the biggest thing that happened to me this year.  Not just because I got a car but because I did it on my own.  It made me feel so incredibly strong and independent to be able to buy it, and I cherish that feeling every time I get behind the wheel.  I love my car.

Also in May, just a few days after I bought the car, I hit the one year mark of being single.  I didn't care as much as I thought I would, but still, it wasn't a milestone I ever thought I'd get to.  I thought I'd be back in Kingman with my ex within 6 months of moving out, so getting to a year without him was weird.  It's weird now, to think it's been a year and a half.  Maybe by the two year anniversary I'll really be over it.

In June I saw Neil Gaiman and it was awesome!

July marked one year of being back in Flagstaff.  That felt like an even bigger milestone than a year of being single.  It was difficult to think of the year away from my family; I felt bitter that day, and angry.  Then just a few days after I saw my ex for the first time in almost a year, which was really more of an irritation than anything.  I consciously kept him at arm's length while he was here; I'm sure I came across as cold and uncaring, and there are moments now when I regret that.  Sometimes I think I should have told him, while he was here, how I still feel about him, but more often than not, I'm glad he got to see me not giving a shit.  I'm glad he got to see the better me.

Independence Day was probably my favorite day of the whole summer, because of the company and everything else.

In August I climbed a fucking mountain, and it was awesome.  I'm looking forward to doing it again in 2014.

The holiday season was challenging for all the same reasons as last year, and while I was more mentally healthy and therefore able to handle it a little better this year, I wouldn't say that it was easier.  I missed my ex, plain and simple, and I felt a lot of anger about being single and away from my family and everything.  But I survived and that's all that matters, and maybe next Christmas it actually will get easier.

Throughout the year I got more and more mentally healthy.  I took my medicine all year (with a few random hiccups but nothing huge), I went to my doctor's appointments, and got my labs done when I needed to; I've never been such a compliant psych patient before.  2013 was full of little moments that made me realize just how far I've come in my battle against bipolar disorder, and for that, I will always and forever cherish this year.  There are still days where I find myself in complete disbelief at how much better I am now.  I go back through old Facebook statuses or Twitter updates, from when I was sick, and I can't believe what a difference there is.  I can't believe I used to live that way.  Being mentally healthy makes me feel almost invincible.  I know now that I can do whatever I put my mind to, that no goal I set is outside of my reach.  And it's all  because I'm mentally healthy.

Related to mental health, I also made a lot of progress as far as getting over my ex.  That whole situation was something that was on my mind a lot in 2013, and I feel like how I think of it now vs. how I thought of it at the start of the year are completely different.  I feel like I've come to really understand how bad I was and how much I put my ex through; I can see my behavior from a perspective of being mentally healthy, and I get it.  I totally get it.  And I'm ashamed of that part of my past, and I think that guilt will be something I'll grapple with for awhile yet.  But at the same time, it feels healthy to have reached this point.  I also kind of realized this year how very in control of fixing things I was back then, and that if I had done what I was supposed to do as far as treatment, maybe I'd still be with him.  At the same time, though, this year I found myself frequently thinking that I needed to get better on my own if I was going to do it at all.  I don't know . . . I'm torn, and I think both are a little bit true, if that's possible.

I would also say that my views on love, romance, and relationships have changed a lot this year, mostly in the sense that now I feel confident in my ability to be loved.  I finally, finally feel like I'm capable of having an adult relationship and being with someone the way you should be with someone as an adult, if that makes sense.

This year had its fails too.  Mostly I'm disappointed in my weight.  I was so determined at the beginning of 2013 that I'd finish the year weighing at least 40 pounds less than at the start of the year, but I'll be starting 2014 about 11 pounds heavier.  But I tell myself that 2013 was a year to focus on mental health, which I did, and which I succeeded at, and now 2014 will be a year to focus on physical health.

Normally I feel a little sad at New Year, because it's an end.  2013 is about to become the past, and for whatever reason, that has just always made me sad.  But this year, I find myself really looking forward to the new year, to 2014.  I think the past couple years of turmoil and transition have made me really appreciate any opportunity for a fresh start--even if it's a mostly symbolic one, like new year.  I'm going into this year happy, healthy, and hopeful, and that's tremendous and amazing and I am so damn proud of myself for it!

So goodbye 2013.  You were beautiful and wonderful and I will remember you fondly.

Christmas 2013

Oh, Christmas.  I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year.  I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again.  I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.

Mostly the petty arguing.  There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers.  Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know?  But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.

On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked.  I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early.  Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended.  We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe.  Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc.  (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin!  He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious).  After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her.  (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much).  It was fun, though.  It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together.  It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.

Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house.  That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights.  We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun.  There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.

After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition).  Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box.  This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy.  Like, his face fell.  It was upsetting.  Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes.  I mean, I know he's only 5 but still.  A little disheartening.

After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter.  When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc.  I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.

Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas.  He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet.  I just . . . I don't even really know how to say.  I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning.  He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know.  To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old.  I don't like it.  I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still.  I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas.  We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had.  And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees.  Austin's getting none of that.  No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys.  It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.  

But that's just me.  I'm not his mother.  And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.

He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.

After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night.  I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!

My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts.  I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like.  My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.

Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something.  He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling.  I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson.  I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.

It was nice to get home.  Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax.  I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.  

Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today.  At all.  Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk.  Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk.  So I was a little off all day long.

But.  All in all I'd say this year was better than last year.  It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama.  It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year.  It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.

And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there.  I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him.  I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice.  I'm grateful that I got that.  I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days.  But that's for another post.

Goodnight!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like . . .

Christmas.  And misery.

Seriously, the closer we get to the holiday the worse my mood gets.  I'm angry and sad and anxious and just generally not feeling so hot.

Sometimes I start to look forward to going home and spending the holidays with my family.  But it's off and on, it comes and goes.

I don't want to spend the holiday alone.  I've talked about why it's hard before.  I just . . . I don't know.  This is the time of the year I least want to be single and that I most want things to work out with my ex.  And it's so fucking stupid.  It's been almost two fucking years now . . . wake the hell up and take a hint, Ica.

I feel like such a moron.

I want to stay here for Christmas.  I want to take some Remeron and just sleep through it.  Wake up after the new year, when it doesn't matter as much that I've got nobody.  Just get through it and have 11 months of being OK before I have to do this shit again.

Edit:  After I finished this post my sister texted me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and Austin, because they came up here after doing the Polar Express in Williams.  And let me tell you, Austin makes everything better.

Weigh In # Whatever (2013)

Weight: 192.8
BMI: 34.1

Last time I weighed myself was November 15th, and at that time I weighed 193.8.  So I've lost a pound in a month.

That's not super impressive.  But it's a small step in the right direction, I guess.

I've been very off and on with the dieting thing lately.  Some days I do really well with food, other days . . . yeah, not so much.  And I haven't been to the gym in I don't even know how long.  It's just . . . I don't know.  I usually feel so drained after work that exercising sounds like the worst idea ever.  I need to figure out how to combat that.

Anyway, for the rest of December I'm going to keep focusing on food.  My goal for the rest of the month is to stay within my calorie goal on MyFitnessPal every day.  My plan is to go back to the gym in January, at which point I'm going to redo my membership.  My insurance (BCBS) has a promotion thing where you can join various gyms through them, and signing up like that would save me like $20 a month, so that'll be nice.

When I do go back to the gym I'm going to take it easy for awhile . . . I think I'll do a yoga class once a week for a bit and then add in some cardio.

This is my last weigh in for 2013, and it's super depressing that I'm finishing the year higher than I started it.  I was so determined back in January.  Hopefully I can get my shit together and get on it this coming year, and hopefully my January weigh in will reflect that.

And Back Again

I don't want to say that everything I wrote about here was a lie.

But.

The high from that moment has definitely worn off a little.

Lately I find myself thinking about him.  Quite a bit.  I'm sure it has something to do with the holidays but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I'm lonely.  And I miss him.  And at the end of the day, regardless of how much I know that my life will go on either way, I'd still welcome that conversation.

But that moment in November was still a good thing.  A very good thing.  It's allowed me to really and truly envision a future without him in a good way.  I've let go of him in a big way, and that's good.

So I guess I'm clarifying.  I meant what I said before.  I'm confident in myself and my ability to just live my life.  I'm confident that whatever's ahead of me is bright and awesome and wonderful.  I'm happy now, and I'm going to continue to be happy.  I don't doubt that.  I'm strong and mentally healthy and I like my life.  Those things aren't going anywhere, and they most definitely do not hinge on whether or not he's a part of my life.

But I also still love him.  And I still think that we're supposed to be together.  And if the opportunity to make things work out between us came up, I'd take it.  Without hesitating.

I'll probably write about it more later.  But for now . . . that's that.

Another Week

This week was . . . marginally better than last week.  It at least went by a little bit faster.  And I was pretty much on time to work every day.  And on Thursday my co-workers and I spent a good two hours decorating the business office for Christmas, so that was pretty awesome.  I like it when things relax a little at work . . . it just kind of makes everything better.

Let's see.  I sucked at dieting this week for no reason other than that I just didn't give a crap, and I most definitely didn't work out.  Blah.  I frustrate myself.  But tomorrow's a new day and next week is a new week and there's always a chance to do better.  At any rate I definitely haven't gained any weight, so that's good.

But I did fix my MyFitnessPal weight loss ticker thing so that it reflects what I've lost since July, which was when I was at my heaviest.  So that's good.  It's kind of encouraging to see that 6 pounds gone thing.

My Christmas shopping is almost finished.  I just have a few more things to get and I'm waiting on a shipment from Amazon and then I'll be done.  I love wrapping presents, though, so I'm excited for that.

I'm so tired right now.  I feel like I have a bunch of random stuff I want to write about but I'm always too sleepy and whatever.

I think I'm stressed right now too.  Between the holidays, work stuff, and other stuff . . . gah.  One big thing is that I need to find a new psychiatrist, because I'm really just done with my current one and the office over there.  I'm not going to deal with them anymore, y'know?  I'm jut dreading it . . . like seriously dreading it.  Hopefully someone will be able to get me in before the end of the year, because that would be best.  But I'm OK on medicine and all so there isn't going to be any stupid crisis or anything.  Just not a fun process.  At all.

I'm also in this weird cleaning/organizing the house mood, which is super stupid at Christmas time because deep organizing with Christmas gifts and wrapping paper all over the place is just . . . well, stupid.

I'm rambling.  I'm so tired.

I think it might be time for bed.

Weekend Recap

First let me say this: I do NOT want to go back to work tomorrow.  Seriously, this long weekend has been amazing . . . I'm not looking forward to Monday.

I had a productive weekend.  On Friday I went to Old Navy, because everything in their store was half off(!); I spent $60 and saved $45, so that was pretty awesome.  A couple things I bought were clearance so they weren't half off.  Anyway, I bought a whole bunch of stuff that were size medium, even though I'm currently an extra large.  I know everyone says dress for what you've got, not what you want, but I feel like if I keep buying myself big clothes I'm going to stay big.  And if I'd been paying full price for everything I got I'd have bought stuff I could wear now, but I figured a half off sale was a good excuse to buy some inspiration clothes.  And I'm thrilled with my purchases, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear them!

I also went to JoAnn and got a lot of fleece on sale, for making Christmas gifts.  I'll be busy doing that this week.

Jerbs' friend Adam was here Friday and was supposed to be here all day Saturday as well, but he ended up having to leave Saturday morning.  He had planned to take Jerbs to the NAU football game on Saturday evening and Jerbs was pretty happy to get out of that gracefully.

But then Saturday afternoon, B and her husband (other B) came up for . . . the NAU football game!  So Jerbs had to go anyway.  I went too and it was so much fun!  I'll write more about that later.  But I'm glad I got to go, even though NAU lost.

And today was just Sunday--cleaning, grocery shopping, prepping for the week, etc.  Sigh.  I hate Sundays.

Oh, and also, I am not doing a weigh in today because my lovely body decided that today would be a good time for my period to start.  So any weight isn't going to be accurate--I am always 3--7 pounds heavier at this time so I'm not even going to bother.  Since I'm fairly regular I anticipate this happening every month for the time being, so my weigh ins are going to be on the 15th.  And yes, this bothers me tremendously, because it just seems silly to weigh in on the 15th, but whatever.  Accuracy's a good thing, I suppose.

Here's to a new week!  Hopefully it's a good one and goes by FAST!