Six Months & An Evaluation

Today it's been six months since Ex-Fiance told me he didn't think we should get married.
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I remember that moment very well.  What was said, how it sounded, what he looked like as he was saying it.  It's hard to put into words what I felt when that happened.  I was shocked because even though I knew things weren't good, I really wasn't expecting it.  As time passed and I decided to go back to Flagstaff and I packed my things and quit my job and I realized that all of those things were really happening, I don't think it's an understatement to say that I felt like my life had done a complete 180 overnight.  I was beyond devastated and completely heartbroken.  I spent a lot of time crying--randomly bursting into tears at work, crying any time I saw or spoke to Austin, crying whenever I looked at Ex-Fiance.  I felt so lost and so . . . out of place.  The last two and a half weeks that I was in Kingman Ex-Fiance and I started to reconnect a little, and that was a blessing.  I left at least knowing that he didn't hate me and that he did still have some feelings for me.  I dreaded coming back to Flagstaff in a way that I had never dreaded anything before.  Flagstaff was, in my mind, a place of intense negativity, where a whoooole lot of bad things had happened to me, and I thought, I will never, ever, ever get better there.  The day we left for Flagstaff was impossibly difficult for me, because I honestly felt like I was losing my whole life--Ex-Fiance, my parents, my sisters, Austin, my job/co-workers, my car, my gym, a house that I loved, my pets, bell choir, orchestra . . . everything.
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Now it's been six months.  Six months since the break up and almost five months since I got back to Flagstaff.

There's a part of me that can't believe it's been this long.  For half of a year, I've been single.  It's so odd to think that because I really thought, when I got engaged, that I'd never be single again.  I also can't believe I came back to Flagstaff, because after I struggled so hard to leave this place behind, I didn't think life would ever, ever bring me back here.

So six months in, how am I doing?

Surprisingly well.  I'm honestly shocked at how well I've done since I got to Flagstaff.  I thought I'd be a complete mess.  I thought I'd get here and be completely unable to function.

But that hasn't been the case.

I've adjusted to taking the bus very well, and instead of thinking all the time about how much I want a car, taking the bus is just second nature.  I've started eating a little better and drinking more water and I've lost a few pounds.  I've held down a job as well as I could for as long as I could and am actively looking for another.  I've worked out.  I've written two short stories.  I've watched TV and slept and played video games and hung out with Jerbs and . . . well, I've lived my life.  And I have taken my medication nearly every.single.day. and I have seen the improvement that comes with it.  I've made peace with Jerbs and all the things that happened between us.

I feel like I'm doing much, much better right now than I was six months ago.  Mentally, I'm night and day.  I am so much healthier now.  SO much healthier.  I really can't even express the difference in my thought processes and the things I can deal with now.  I'm just so much more at home in my own mind.  I finally feel like myself, for the first time in years.  It's amazing.  And honestly, if I had to go through all that heartbreak to finally get to a place of real mental health, then . . . then I'm OK with that.  Because what I have needed all along was just to get better.  I feel like I've accomplished that since I got here.  Do I still have a ways to go? Absolutely.  But I'm a hell of a lot closer to my end goals than I've ever been.

Since the move I've found my own inner strength, and I am amazed by it.  I never thought I'd be this person. Back in 2009/2010 at the height of my disorder I never thought I'd get better.  I started to believe that I was just supposed to be sick, that I wasn't meant for a real, normal life like other people.  And now I know how untrue that is, and I am so happy with myself.  I really am.

The thing is, I know I still have a lot to work on and a lot to do to get where I want to be.  But the thing is, I'm OK with that now.  I feel like that's DOABLE.  I feel like I can work towards those goals and . . . y'know, meet them, I suppose.  Before, if I'd been where I am now, I'd be panicking about it.  Panicking and worrying about everything I wanted to do and struggling to figure out how to do it.  But now I feel OK with the journey, and that's a beautiful change in myself.
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So how do I feel about Ex-Fiance after six months?

In short, I still love him.  I still feel like my heart is his, and I still believe that at some point, we need to have a conversation about us.

I still want a second chance and I still think that we could make things work between us if we tried.  I still hope for that.  I think that eventually it's going to happen, and I am trying to just be patient until it does.  And I'm at a point where I feel really ready to talk things out; I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation now without freaking out or anything like that.
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At any rate, I think that from here I'm only going to keep getting better, and that makes me happy.

A Much Better Trip To K-town

I went to Kingman this past weekend.  I was there from Friday until Monday.  I won't lie, I was a little apprehensive about going, just because my last visit sucked so badly.

But all the worry was mostly for nothing because I ended up having a great time in Kingman.  It was a good trip, and much, much better than the last time.

This time, I didn't have to rent a car or take the bus--my sister came and got me and brought me back.  I am so incredibly grateful to her for doing that, because it saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of money too.  Granted I felt a little like a loser needing such a long ride but whatever, I'm still happy I went.

I had a great time.  I spent most of my weekend with Austin and we had so much fun together.  We played monsters and Batman and I gave him a few baths (he's a fish and loves to play in the bath).  We watched TV together and played Buzz Lightyear games on the computer.  I wish I had the time and energy to write down all of the funny and cute and sweet things he did/said while I was there but since I don't, here are the highlights.

--He got to meet Irene, Jerbs' cat, and pet her.  It was really cute.  He also walked around my apartment picking up totally random items and asking if they were Auntie Jerbs's.  It was too funny.  We ended up bringing this flashlight thing and some Halloween hole punches to Kingman because he wanted to play with them.

--His concern with bringing Benji to Kingman, like wear Benji would sleep and whether or not he'd bite Dolce and get her dirty.

--He put Benji's bed near Dolce's then sat in between and read the dogs a bed time story.

--Him actually sleeping in the living room with me for TWO nights!  On Friday he slept on the little couch and on Saturday afternoon he informed me that I had to sleep on the little couch that night.  Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was funny.

--Him telling his mom he needed a needle to hang something up in his room.

--Before they picked me up, his mom and my other sister had gone to the mall, and my sister had gotten him a few bday presents.  They were in the back of the car and when Austin saw them (as we were putting my stuff in) he said, "You bought me presents?  Nice mama!  Nice mama!"  Later that weekend she did something he didn't like and he said, "Bad mama!  Bad mama!"  Too funny.

--Him telling Shannon she needed to get out of the bounce house because she was too little to bounce with me, my sister, and Taryn, and helping her out of the bounce house.  Later he made Shannon put socks on to go back in the bounce house with him.
--Having a sword fight with him in the driveway, where he got a sword and I got two golf clubs.  It was pretty awesome.
--Taking him to Cracker Barrel for lunch on his birthday, where the servers sang happy birthday to him and gave him a piece of chocolate cake.  He was so adorably shy and embarrassed over it.
--Him insisting that the toy he wanted from the Cracker Barrel shop was a grabber.  Which he did get, and then proceeded to use to grab my dad by the wrist and lead him around the front yard while reassuring him that even though he was going to jail, he'd come get him when it got to dark time.
--Austin's horror when I suggested putting his pajamas on before it was "dark time."  (Sometimes I forget that not everyone wears sweats at home.)
--On our way out of town for the return trip we stopped for gas, and Austin and I went inside for a snack/drink.  Austin wanted an icee, and he made me mix all 4 flavors of icee they had.
--We dropped him off with his dad on our way to Flag and it was so hard to say good bye to him.  But we agreed we'd have another sleepover sometime soon.
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Non Austin related highlights . . .

My sister's driveway has a really steep, pretty long hill down to the street.  When Austin and I were sword fighting, he "got" me and I had to fall down, and on a whim, I rolled down the driveway.  Like stomach to back.  Seemed like a good idea at the time even if it was a little painful, and Austin was incredibly entertained, so it was worth it.  Well, I woke up on Monday sore as hell, and I'm having trouble moving my left shoulder.  Go me.

On Friday night Shannon (my sister's best friend and roommate, who I basically consider my 3rd sister) let me drive her car to go get food for me and Saucy.  I was so touched.  I love Shannon, and I'm glad she and my sister are such good friends.

On Saturday night my sister and I had a long, painful conversation about some things that was actually pretty . . . I don't know, but definitely good.  It was nice to talk some things out and feel validated in some of the things I feel and have gone through.  It was nice to have someone believe me and not just write me off as crazy.  Plus it's nice to be able to have such a conversation with my sister, because honestly, we're not too close, and that's something I regret and that makes me sad.  It felt like a deeper connection for a while, and I liked that.

Sunday night I got depressed.  I just felt so sad that I had to leave, and I was going to miss Austin so much.  I cried a little.  I told Austin I loved him a lot, which I think he found strange, but whatever.  I just miss him and my family so much.

On Monday my sister and I shopped and had dinner together (with Jerbs too) at the mall before she left to go back to Ktown.  It was nice to hang out with her more one on one and just be able to talk.  Plus Jerbs and I showed her the Gangnam Style video before she left, and everyone should see that.

In a moment of epic failure I left my phone in Jenny's car, and of course didn't realize it until Jenny'd been gone almost 2 hours--which meant she was about in Kingman so there was zero chance she could bring me my phone.  My mom has it now and should mail it tomorrow . . . blergh.  I'm very annoyed with myself for that one.

So overall, it was a great trip.  I felt very at peace while I was there, and that whole depression/funk I'd been in lifted a lot.  But it was also a little sad, because it was a very very clear reminder that I want to be in Kingman.  That I miss that life a lot.  After Austin's party I thought about how glad I'd be if I were leaving with and going home with Corey, and it was just . . . kind of bittersweet, I guess.  I just felt wistful.  But I never broke down.

As for Corey and me, I did text him on Saturday, just to say that I was in town and I'd love to see him and to let me know if he wanted to hang out.  As far as I know he never texted me back (but I was having phone issues).  So that's that.  I'm still not giving up hope.  And the fact that I came back just fine even though I never heard from is a sign that I'm doing better, so I'm glad for that.

I got back to Flagstaff feeling determined.  I feel determined to get back to working on myself.  I'm going to get back to my diet and health stuff, I'm going to start working out, I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to try to get into counseling (no guarantee on that one though, just for financial reasons), I'm going to work on my grad school stuff and my writing.  I'm going to remain hopeful about Corey and me, because I still feel, in my heart, that we'll end up together.  I just have to be patient.

Less & Less And More & More

Until about a week ago, I was planning to write an entry entitled "Less and Less."  I was going to talk about how since I've been here, and especially in the past few weeks, I find my mind on Ex-Fiance less and less.

Because really, I hadn't been thinking about him much.  There was a point when I was first here where he was constantly on my mind, where him and the breakup and how much I wanted to go home were all I could think about every single day.  Where everything reminded me of Ex-Fiance, and I'd randomly wonder what he was doing and feel an anxiety attack coming on.

But those thoughts lessened and lessened.  They never went away completely, but at some point I started thinking about myself more and more.  I started making plans for myself and my future--plans that I like and that I'm happy about.  I felt more and more that getting over Ex-Fiance was something I'd be able to handle and I got to a point that there was no question in my mind that I could be happy without him.

I'd still think about him now and then.  Occasionally things would still remind me of him, but I'd just kind of let it go instead of feeling anxious.  And sometimes I wonder what he's doing and if he's seeing someone else, and those thoughts aren't happy ones, but I don't focus on them anymore.  And every now and then, I'd be doing something and it would kind of hit me that I was engaged to be married and that I'd been living somewhere else and that I'd had this whole other life--but like I said, I just kind of learned to not focus on it.

It got to a point where when I did think of Ex-Fiance, it felt almost fake, almost like it never happened.

So that was all going on and it was good and fine and I was doing OK, and then out of nowhere . . . Ex-Fiance was on my mind again.

It probably started a little less than a week ago, and I think it started with a CD at work.  (Yes, a CD, isn't that stupid?)  It's a jazz CD called "Alone Together: Essential Late Night Jazz" and . . . yeah.  I bought it because it was like $1.10 with my employee discount.

So ever since then, I just . . . I don't know.  The most random things make me think of Corey and my mind keeps wandering back to good times in our relationship.  I keep thinking about how much I wanted to have a life with him, and how much I still want that.  I still want to be with him--no matter how stupid or pathetic or whatever it makes me, that's what I want.  I know I can be happy without him and I know that I'll find my own way but I'd rather find my way with him.

I don't hear from Ex-Fiance anymore; I don't even know if he asks Jenny about me anymore (I'm afraid to ask). I know that I need to be patient.  I know that if Ex-Fiance's going to get to a point where he wants to discuss us and potentially work things out and try again, he has to get there on his own.  I need to give him time and space and I'm doing this as best as I can.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up on my own plans.  I mean, I'm not sitting around waiting for Ex-Fiance to call or anything like that.  It just means I'm also not giving up hope, because I really do think Ex-Fiance is my soul mate.  And my gut feeling is that he still loves me and thinks the same of me.

So we'll see what happens.

A General Life Update

So at the moment life is OK.  Not spectacular (when is it ever?) but not awful either.

Good Things:

--I'm back on my medication.  It's been less than a week and I'm already feeling a lot better.  Thank goodness!

--I get to get a new bed tomorrow!!  Just another air bed but still, I'm excited, because the one I have now has a hole in it and I've been waking up on the floor so.

--Last night when I was walking Jenny's cat, I put her in a tree, and it was hilarious.

--Also hilarious the other night was Jenny's lack of knowledge of the plot of The Sound of Music.  ("What the hell do Nazis have to do with the sound of music?").

--Work didn't make me want to die today.  It still wasn't good but at no point did I want to fake a seizure so I could leave on an ambulance.

--Austin and Jenny came to visit this past Saturday!

--I've had some mental health breakthroughs in the form of epiphanies--figuring out why I feel the way I feel and think the way I do.

--The weather's starting to cool a little in the evenings and it's beautiful!  I'm so excited for fall!

--I've been reconnecting with old friends and it's wonderful.  Jenny and I hung out with Theresa this past Sunday and it was great.

Bad Things:

--I still don't hear from Ex-Fiance.  Honestly I don't know how I feel about him anymore--I'll elaborate on that later.

--I still haven't gotten a call back from anyone for a job.  It's getting frustrating because I am ready to make some actual money.

--I've randomly been feeling exhausted a lot so the house is a mess because I just don't feel like doing shit.

Lately . . .

I feel like a total slacker.

I don't know what's with me but my thoughts feel totally scattered and unfocused, that lost feeling is creeping back, and I am constantly drained of energy.  Like even if I've done absolutely nothing I feel dead--I feel exhausted and my limbs feel heavy and I feel like I can hardly move.

I guess I kinda DO know what's with me.  I should be starting my that time of the month pretty quick here and that always effs with me.  I have PMDD and it blows.  I don't know why God didn't think that bipolar and borderline were enough for me . . . ahem.

I have a lot I want to write about, I've had a lot on my mind lately, but like I said, it all feels so random and scattered that I don't have the energy to make into a coherent/cohesive journal entry.  I can't even really make it into coherent thoughts.

Once again . . . patience.

Patience, Patience, Patience

That's the lesson I think I'm being taught right now.  Patience.

I need to be patient.

I need to be patient about work and money.  Someone will call me back for a full time job; I just have to be diligent about applying for them.  I've been checking the AZ Daily Sun and Craigslist every day.  And in the meantime, I just need to stay calm and pray about it and Hastings is better than nothing.

I need to be patient with Ex-Fiance.  We talked a little bit tonight and it was about nothing big; I think deep down I'm always hoping that he's going to tell me he loves me and misses me like crazy and whatever, and that never happens.  And that's ok.  If we're supposed to be together we will be together eventually; in the meantime we need to take baby steps.  It is just so hard.  But I know that if we got back together now it would be the same as it was and it would just end again.

Suffice it to say I haven't had a great couple days.