Remember When?

Lately I find myself feeling very nostalgic.  I think it's mostly related to this time of year, because it was right around 4 years ago that I went on my first date with my ex.  

I remember him asking me to hang out via Facebook, and I remember almost ignoring the message and pretending I'd never seen it, and then saying yes at the last minute because I knew he needed to talk to someone and I felt bad blowing him off.  I remember him calling for directions to my apartment, because I live on the weirdest street in Flagstaff (it's a boulevard that is literally a block long) and no one can find it unless they've been there before.  I remember just driving all over town and listening to him talk about whatever.  I remember finally stopping at Lake Mary, and walking down to the water and having to grab his hand a few times to keep from falling, and him holding on longer than was necessary every time.  I remember him asking to hold me and sitting on a rock at the side of the lake with his arms around me.  I remember going to WalMart to buy an inflatable raft and leaving disappointed because they didn't have any.  I remember him taking the longest route possible to take me home, and him saying it was just because of the road work on the highway, and I remember having a feeling that he really just didn't want to drop me off.  I remember coming home and telling Jerbs about him and her making a comment that when I talked about him, I smiled like she hadn't seen me smile in a long time.

And all that wasn't even our first date.  Our first date was the next night, when he showed up at my apartment with a stuffed duck, a get well card, and a raft.

I really do miss him.  And it seems to get worse instead of better--I feel like I miss him more now than I ever have, when we're 2 years out from the break up and I'm fairly settled into this life without him.  It's something I just can't seem to get over, regardless of what I do.  I think I talk a big game about being over him, about not caring, and it's bullshit.  I am happy with my life, yes, and I'm doing well on my own, but I'm not over him.  I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be over it, telling myself that it's stupid to hang on and that I'm an idiot for still being in love with him and that after 2 years, I should have moved on.

I'm done with that.  I'm done beating myself up for the way I feel about him.  Honestly, it was a serious, real relationship, we were very committed to each other, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that those feelings are still there.  I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.  Obviously I'm not going to let it rule my life or anything like that, but still.

I want to be with him.  I know that, at this point, the odds of anything happening, of him feeling the same way, of him not having found someone else, are utterly astronomical, but I'm choosing to remain hopeful.  Because I still feel like he's who I'm supposed to end up with.  There's just something about him, about the way we were together, that makes me believe that.  I'm sure I sound like a total idiot to anyone reading this, but whatever.  I'm OK with that.

Climb To Conquer Cancer 2014

Yesterday was the Climb to Conquer Cancer, and I'm proud to say that I was able to make it all the way to the top of the mountain again!

Like last year, it was a great, great experience.  I don't know what it is about the Climb that I love so much, but I do.  I think it's a combination of the beautiful scenery, the pride that comes from being able to do something so physically demanding, and knowing that I did it for a good cause.  This year, my sister came up for it again; she brought Austin, but his dad and grandparents were also doing it, so he walked with them.  Last year, a few of my sister's friends participated, as did some of my co-workers, but this year it was just me and Jenny.  That was kind of strange at first, but then I realized that I couldn't actually remember the last time I spent time with her one on one (either Jerbs, one of Jenny's friends, or Austin is always with us).  So it was actually really nice, and I was glad that we got to kind of catch up and all that.  Jenny and I are just drastically different people, that's undeniable, but I do love her.  Last year she finished ahead of me, this year we were at about the same pace.  Last year I felt like I was going to die the last 3 miles, this year I didn't really feel too bad until about the last mile.  That made me happy, because while I haven't really accomplished any major weight loss or anything in the past year, I definitely feel like I got into better shape.  This year I was better prepared, too.  Last year I took a couple water bottles with me, and when we got to the top all I wanted was cold water, and there wasn't any.  No ice, no cold water, nothing like that at the top.  So this year I froze a water bottle the night before and threw it in my back pack and let it melt during the hike . . . it made the experience much better!  We saw Austin at the top, and he told us he made it 5 miles and then took the bus to the top.  I think that's pretty dang impressive for an almost 6 year old!

Mile signs.  I don't know why there wasn't one for mile 7.  Last year there
was a big half way point sign, but not this year.

The pictures I took from the top.  Can't beat that view!

After the Climb we went to Starbucks and then took naps at my house (which was hilarious, because my sister is absolutely not the napping type, but she crawled into Jerbs' bed and fell asleep), then went to the mall and a few other places around town.  Austin was off camping with his dad, so it was just us.  We had dinner with some of her friends at Granny's (I think the last time I was there was like 9 years ago with my sorority, so it was a little weird).

Today she brought Austin by and I gave him his presents from Comic-Con, and they left a little bit ago.  I miss them already!  

I'm really glad I thought to take tomorrow off, because I don't plan on doing shit today.  

So that's that!  I'm looking forward to the 2015 Climb!

Just An Update

1.  This week I finished one of my special projects at MHC.  Hallefreakinglujah.  It's like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  It took up pretty much my whole Tuesday but that's OK.

2.  Diet wise I did super well the first part of the week.  Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I just killed it.  Then Thursday, I kinda screwed up, and then Friday, Saturday, and today I went completely off the rails.  Like . . . I don't even want to think about how many calories I ate.  Tomorrow is a new day, though, and I'm feeling confident.

3.  I started doing Couch to 5k this week.  I started last Sunday and I'll finish week one tomorrow (I was supposed to either today or yesterday but just didn't feel much like running).  At any rate, I really like it and I think it's going to be a good thing for me.  And a bonus is that I take Hollie running with me and it wears her the hell out, which is nice.

4.  I am very close to being finished with the August billing cycle at SHF.  I think I'll be able to wrap it up tomorrow and then my work there will go back to being all light and sporadic and no big deal.  I'm looking forward to that.

5.  I called a potential new psychiatrist on Thursday.  No one answered, but they have a special voicemail line for people wanting to make new patient appointments, so I left a message.  That office is closed on Fridays so I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow.  Supposedly their average wait time for new patients is 1-3 weeks, so I could potentially get in by the end of the month.  I'm really hoping this one works out because I'm sick of looking.  This one is in Phoenix but . . . I mean, it's a necessity.  I called 5 people in Sedona and Cottonwood last week: 2 phone numbers were disconnected, 2 weren't taking new patients, and 1 was cash pay only.  So I called my old doctor's office here in town and left a message basically kissing their ass and asking what I would need to do to make an appointment with the doctor I was supposed to start seeing there after Dr. Wright left . . . and yeah, they never called me back, so I'm going to go ahead and just assume that ship has sailed.

5.  Last Sunday, I saw my ex at WalMart.  As in my ex fiance who doesn't even live in Flagstaff.  It was the most random thing.  The most absolute random thing.  And of course, since it was Sunday, which is chore and errand day, I hadn't showered or shaved my legs and I was wearing sweats and an old t-shirt.  And I know it really doesn't matter but I hadn't seen him for more than a year and of course it couldn't have happened on a day I looked more put together.  Sigh.

Busy And Maybe A Little Burnt Out

This whole two jobs thing is kinda kicking my ass.

Don't get me wrong, I like having two jobs.  I enjoy both of them and it's nice to not be worried about money all the time anymore.  But the past couple weeks I just have felt . . . burnt out.

My real job at MHC is just insane right now.  I'm working on two different special projects, plus DME, plus all my normal duties.  And Medicare is being quite a bit more awful than usual lately, which is just awesome.  And today was stressful because a co-worker opened a spam email and it turned out to be a massive virus, which led to all our servers being offline for like two hours.  Which meant I could do basically nothing.  It was incredibly frustrating.

I'm currently in the middle of a billing cycle at job # 2, which means that tomorrow will likely be a 12 hour day.  And that half day Friday was an 8 hour day.  I don't mind but I'll admit that this job is a bit more . . . involved than I was originally expecting.  I was told 6-8 hours of filing and clerical work a week . . . I didn't expect to be running billing cycles and making collections phone calls.

I don't know.  I feel like all I do anymore is work.  And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, really, because I don't have kids or a spouse or really anything that demands a lot of my attention outside of work.  There are just days when it's very, very exhausting.

But every time I start to get frustrated or annoyed or whatever, I make myself remember what it was like to be unemployed for 2 years and struggle with finding work, and I tell myself to suck it up.  I want to excel at both of my jobs.

So that's about it.  Two weeks from now I have a long weekend (I'm off on Monday, the 18th, and my sister will be here that weekend for the Climb to Conquer Cancer) and I am counting down the days to that.