Yesterday was the third anniversary of the break up. I know we're kind of at a point where it's weird that I remember it but: A) it was kind of a major event so of course it sticks in my head, and B) I have a tendency to remember dates anyway, and this is definitely not the weirdest one I remember. Plus the day of the break up was also Ex-Fiance's last day of school, so we were actually counting down to it anyway back then.
Anyway, it makes me feel reflective to think that three years have passed between then--which was absolutely one of the lowest and most awful points of my life--and now, when I'm probably the best I've ever been. The change never ceases to amaze me. I remember telling myself that night, "Give it 6 months. Survive the next 6 months and go from there." (Six months because at the time, it was both the longest amount of time I could fathom thinking about and the amount of time I thought it would take for us to get back together). Back then six months seemed like this crazy, daunting amount of time--and now I've survived 3 years, which is 6 times that original goal. It makes me so fucking proud I can't even tell you. There really are no words.
The past three years have probably been the most transformative of my adult life. I've changed more than I ever thought possible. I think when you suffer from a mental illness for as long as I did, you kind of become convinced that it's the only way you'll ever be able to function, that you're just going to stay sick until it finally kills you. I thought that whatever level of mental health I reached, it would be perfunctory. I thought I'd make it to a point where I could function. To where I could hold down a job and exert a little control over my thoughts and not spend all day every day feeling like I wanted to rip my skin off of my body (legit something I used to feel, btw). I never expected to thrive.
But I am thriving. I'm not just holding down a job, I've got a job I truly enjoy at a company whose work I really believe in. I'm pursuing a career in an area that interests me. And I've got a whole other job on top of that one! I'm financially stable and independent. I'm genuinely happy to be alive and and looking forward to whatever comes next. I'm not anxious about time passing or what my future's going to be. (OK, that's not 100% true, because my 30th birthday caused a bit of a quarter life crisis, but now is not the time to talk about it).
I'm not perfect. There are still things I'm working on and still things I struggle with. I need to lose weight and I need to manage my money better, but I'm still ahead of where I was in both those areas. And I definitely, definitely need to find more time to devote to writing and creative pursuits. Sometimes I get lonely, not necessarily for a significant other, but just for friends. It sucks to have all my closest friends in other cities or states. And yes, I know the obvious solution is to make more friends here in Flagstaff, but I have no idea how to make friends as an adult. Through work is the big one, I'm sure, but my co-workers are all either married moms or hard partying 20-somethings, and I don't fit into either of those groups. (Seriously, I never would have thought that 30 would have been more awkward than junior high as far as fitting in).
One really weird thing about being three years out from the break up is that I tend to not realize how much stuff I've done since it happened. A lot of it is small things. Like sometimes, I'll be re-watching something on Netflix (because let's be real, I pretty much watch the same 5 or 6 shows over and over), and I'll randomly catch myself trying to remember what my ex thought of it, and then I'll remember that I didn't start watching it until after I moved back to Flagstaff. And it's just kind of trippy how much life has happened since then, from the small stuff like TV shows to the big stuff like mental health. Honestly, sometimes it seems like everything with him never even happened, and it breaks my heart to feel that way, because I did genuinely love him. So many things have come after, though, that that time is kind of buried under all of it. Even a lot of the happier memories are starting to fade, and when they spring to mind (because they do from time to time), I find myself questioning the details instead of smiling. It makes me so damn sad to think that how I felt about him has faded away like other memories do. I genuinely didn't think that would happen, and I don't like that it has, because it just feels wrong somehow.
It's hard to put into words how I feel about my ex and the whole situation three years later. It's not a consistent feeling. Most days I don't think about him, but there are times when I inexplicably miss him. Sometimes there's a trigger, like a song that comes on or something someone says or whatever, sometimes it's just totally out of nowhere.
I can tell you that I'm still not 100% over it. To be honest, some of that is because I won't let myself let it go. I can tell you that I'm not angry at him for breaking up with me anymore. I am angry that he never came back. More precisely, I'm angry that after I left, and then after he saw that I was getting better, he was never curious about whether it might work between us then. I'm angry that he never made an effort to get to know the real me.
I wonder, all the time, about that. I have for three years now. I wonder what it would be like to be around another now. If we'd still get along. If that spark that was there on our first date would still be there, if all those old feelings would come rushing back. I wonder about him, too, sometimes. About what he's been up to since we broke up, about what his life's been like, about this experience from his perspective. Aside from him moving back to his hometown a year after we broke up, I don't know anything about his life now.
I know, for sure, that I still regret screwing up and letting him go. That hasn't changed, nor will it anytime soon. I had an amazing man, we were so in love, and I completely fucked that up. I wish so much that I had done things differently back then. I may end up completely over my ex someday, I may end up married and spend my life with somebody else, but that regret will never go away. I'm OK with that. Corey will always be my one that got away, period, and I'll always wonder what might have been.
I fell in love with him on our first date, and I do still love him. I would love to just talk to him, about us and everything that happened and where we are now and just see if there's anything still there, because I still feel like I haven't completely gotten closure where we're concerned. If the opportunity for a conversation ever came up, if he were to contact me, I'd absolutely listen. As much as I'm sure that'll never happen, I'm always going to hold out a little hope, because that's just who I am. I'm not sorry for it.
But that hope, and the fact that I would still like another chance with him, doesn't rule my life and it absolutely won't stop me from living my life. I want that to be clear: I'm not just hanging around hoping/wishing/praying for my ex to walk back into my life. I've got my own plans and I intend to follow them.
So that's that, I suppose. Three years behind me and my whole life ahead of me. I am so excited for whatever the future holds, whether my ex is involved or not. And I am truly grateful for these past three years, because even though they started with this awful heartbreak, they have been amazing. I love who I am now and where I am now, and I've loved being able to figure out who I am as a person and embrace that. I'm happy to be healthy, and I'm happy to be happy!
5.26.2015
5.09.2015
Oh This Flagstaff Weather
We got snow yesterday and overnight. I legit had to scrape snow off of my car this morning. (My car is the one on the far left of the picture, slightly out of frame). And those are the trees right in front of my balcony.
As Theresa pointed out on Facebook, it is NAU graduation weekend, so of course it snowed. It's like a tradition for it to snow at summer commencement.
5.05.2015
Las Vegas
So I am home safe and sound and in one piece from my trip to Vegas. It was AMAZING and well worth how completely exhausted I was at work yesterday. I love Vegas, I love Theresa, I love her fiancee (Jenna), I love her future in-laws, I loved this whole weekend!
First some background. I don't know if I ever actually mentioned it, but I'm a bridesmaid in Theresa's wedding this October, which I couldn't be happier or more excited about. I feel so incredibly honored to have been asked! The bridal party is pretty scattered: I'm in Flagstaff, Theresa's other two bridesmaids live in Las Vegas and China, and her fiancee's bridesmaids are split between California and Colorado. The China and Colorado people couldn't make it, but 4 of the 6 of us were there. This trip has been planned since, like, February, so I've been looking forward to it for awhile.
I took Friday, the first, off from work so that I could get on the road at a decent hour and stop in Kingman on my way. I went to my mom's and she had completely forgotten I was coming, so I unintentionally got to surprise her. I got to town just before Austin was getting out of school, so I went to the bus stop with her to pick him up. He was super surprised and RAN over to me as soon as he was off the bus, and totally knocked me over. I told him he's just getting too strong for me, and he told me it's because he works out. (True story). After we got in my car to go to lunch, he said, "I KNEW one of these days you were going to come, Auntica." I just love him. We let him pick where to go for lunch, which of course meant we went to Cracker Barrel (side note: I always let him pick the restaurant because I know that's what he'll pick). After we had lunch, I mentioned I needed to run to WalMart and buy a charger for my phone before I headed out (I forgot to pack my charger, natch). So my mom said she needed a few things and asked if we could just go together, so I said sure.
Well, I should know better. When my mom says she just needs a few things, it actually means we're going to be at the store for at least an hour and that we're going to leave with a cart full of groceries. Groceries that then had to be loaded into my car and then unloaded at my mom's. By the time I got gas and left Kingman I was an hour behind where I wanted to be, which was disappointing.
Also disappointing was the drive over the bridge to bypass the Hoover Dam. I watched that thing being built for so long and was looking forward to driving it, but the sides are so high that you can't see anything over the edge. Kind of a bummer.
I got to Vegas and promptly got lost, in part because I had directions to the hotel where I'd be staying but since I was running late, by the time I got to Vegas we were meeting up with Jenna's parents at their hotel for dinner. I don't know how I manage this crap, I've only been to Vegas like a hundred times, but whatever. Long story short, I did eventually get to where I needed to be and found Theresa and it was all uphill from there.
Friday night we (we being me, Theresa, Jenna, Jenna's parents, and Jenna's brother in law) walked over to the Bellagio and watched the dancing fountains for awhile. Then we went back to Jenna's parents' hotel and played Cards Against Humanity, which was hilarious and very entertaining. Later Jenna's sisters (AKA her bridesmaids) got there so I got to meet them. We ended up hitting the casino for a bit, and then went to our hotel, which was an amazing 2 bedroom 2 bathroom suite (seriously bigger than my apartment). Theresa and Jenna had one room, Jenna's sister and her husband had the other, and I had the pull out couch in the living room.
Saturday was dress shopping day. We started with a Starbucks run, then had an appointment at a bridesmaid dress shop in Henderson. The place was honestly a little meh, we did find some things we liked but the issue was that they didn't come in the right colors (particularly the green that Theresa wanted for her side). We ended up picking dresses, but decided to go to the later appointment at David's Bridal just to see how that went. Between appointments we had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, where I'd never eaten before, so that was fun. It's a good thing we don't have one of those here because I'd be freaking fatter than I already am.
The David's Bridal appointment was much better than the first appointment, there were a lot more options as far as dresses, and we all got to just pull whatever we wanted to try on, so we ended up with a huge variety of dresses to look at. (Plus the bonus of hearing Jenna's mom offering her opinion to the couple girls there who were trying on wedding dresses, it was hilarious). As much as I hate trying on clothes and then essentially modeling them, it was actually fun. We chose dresses there (the same dress for each side, in different colors) and I LOVE the dress we picked. Plus the price was legit half of what it was at the other place, so bonus. (Side note: I totally teared up while we were dress shopping, because . . . I don't know. This is a whole new experience for me, and it's so awesome to think that randomly meeting years ago led to that, y'know? I don't have a whole lot of friends from college, and I've burned a lot of bridges, so to know that there is a person I met in college who still likes me, who likes me enough to want me to be in her wedding, was kind of overwhelming. I don't even care how lame that makes me sound, it's true).
After the dresses we had dinner at a buffet, which was completely empty because it was fight night. At some point after dinner, Theresa and I and her future brother in law went back to our hotel to change or something, and I left my wallet there. So when we got back to the other hotel/casino to gamble, I had no freaking money. I was so mad at myself! And since it was fight night the traffic was horrendous, so going back to get it was absolutely not an option. In retrospect, it's probably a good thing because I ended up spending way less money than I anticipated, but it still sucked. After awhile Theresa and I just went and people watched on the strip, but that was kind of terrifying because it was so packed (again, fight night) so we went back inside and people watched. Still entertaining.
Sunday morning we swam at Jenna's parent's hotel and had lunch there before we headed out. I ended up leaving the same time Theresa and Jenna did. I stopped in Kingman on my way back and got to spend some time with my dad, which was nice. I ended up getting home way later than intended (Jenna and Theresa got back to SLC before I got back to Flagstaff so . . . yeah). Work yesterday was just pure torture but it was worth it!
Overall, it was just a fantastic trip with some fantastic people, and I'm so glad I got to go. Theresa and I have had a lot of great experiences together and we have a lot of great memories, and this weekend will definitely be one that stands out.
First some background. I don't know if I ever actually mentioned it, but I'm a bridesmaid in Theresa's wedding this October, which I couldn't be happier or more excited about. I feel so incredibly honored to have been asked! The bridal party is pretty scattered: I'm in Flagstaff, Theresa's other two bridesmaids live in Las Vegas and China, and her fiancee's bridesmaids are split between California and Colorado. The China and Colorado people couldn't make it, but 4 of the 6 of us were there. This trip has been planned since, like, February, so I've been looking forward to it for awhile.
I took Friday, the first, off from work so that I could get on the road at a decent hour and stop in Kingman on my way. I went to my mom's and she had completely forgotten I was coming, so I unintentionally got to surprise her. I got to town just before Austin was getting out of school, so I went to the bus stop with her to pick him up. He was super surprised and RAN over to me as soon as he was off the bus, and totally knocked me over. I told him he's just getting too strong for me, and he told me it's because he works out. (True story). After we got in my car to go to lunch, he said, "I KNEW one of these days you were going to come, Auntica." I just love him. We let him pick where to go for lunch, which of course meant we went to Cracker Barrel (side note: I always let him pick the restaurant because I know that's what he'll pick). After we had lunch, I mentioned I needed to run to WalMart and buy a charger for my phone before I headed out (I forgot to pack my charger, natch). So my mom said she needed a few things and asked if we could just go together, so I said sure.
Well, I should know better. When my mom says she just needs a few things, it actually means we're going to be at the store for at least an hour and that we're going to leave with a cart full of groceries. Groceries that then had to be loaded into my car and then unloaded at my mom's. By the time I got gas and left Kingman I was an hour behind where I wanted to be, which was disappointing.
Also disappointing was the drive over the bridge to bypass the Hoover Dam. I watched that thing being built for so long and was looking forward to driving it, but the sides are so high that you can't see anything over the edge. Kind of a bummer.
I got to Vegas and promptly got lost, in part because I had directions to the hotel where I'd be staying but since I was running late, by the time I got to Vegas we were meeting up with Jenna's parents at their hotel for dinner. I don't know how I manage this crap, I've only been to Vegas like a hundred times, but whatever. Long story short, I did eventually get to where I needed to be and found Theresa and it was all uphill from there.
Friday night we (we being me, Theresa, Jenna, Jenna's parents, and Jenna's brother in law) walked over to the Bellagio and watched the dancing fountains for awhile. Then we went back to Jenna's parents' hotel and played Cards Against Humanity, which was hilarious and very entertaining. Later Jenna's sisters (AKA her bridesmaids) got there so I got to meet them. We ended up hitting the casino for a bit, and then went to our hotel, which was an amazing 2 bedroom 2 bathroom suite (seriously bigger than my apartment). Theresa and Jenna had one room, Jenna's sister and her husband had the other, and I had the pull out couch in the living room.
Saturday was dress shopping day. We started with a Starbucks run, then had an appointment at a bridesmaid dress shop in Henderson. The place was honestly a little meh, we did find some things we liked but the issue was that they didn't come in the right colors (particularly the green that Theresa wanted for her side). We ended up picking dresses, but decided to go to the later appointment at David's Bridal just to see how that went. Between appointments we had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, where I'd never eaten before, so that was fun. It's a good thing we don't have one of those here because I'd be freaking fatter than I already am.
The David's Bridal appointment was much better than the first appointment, there were a lot more options as far as dresses, and we all got to just pull whatever we wanted to try on, so we ended up with a huge variety of dresses to look at. (Plus the bonus of hearing Jenna's mom offering her opinion to the couple girls there who were trying on wedding dresses, it was hilarious). As much as I hate trying on clothes and then essentially modeling them, it was actually fun. We chose dresses there (the same dress for each side, in different colors) and I LOVE the dress we picked. Plus the price was legit half of what it was at the other place, so bonus. (Side note: I totally teared up while we were dress shopping, because . . . I don't know. This is a whole new experience for me, and it's so awesome to think that randomly meeting years ago led to that, y'know? I don't have a whole lot of friends from college, and I've burned a lot of bridges, so to know that there is a person I met in college who still likes me, who likes me enough to want me to be in her wedding, was kind of overwhelming. I don't even care how lame that makes me sound, it's true).
After the dresses we had dinner at a buffet, which was completely empty because it was fight night. At some point after dinner, Theresa and I and her future brother in law went back to our hotel to change or something, and I left my wallet there. So when we got back to the other hotel/casino to gamble, I had no freaking money. I was so mad at myself! And since it was fight night the traffic was horrendous, so going back to get it was absolutely not an option. In retrospect, it's probably a good thing because I ended up spending way less money than I anticipated, but it still sucked. After awhile Theresa and I just went and people watched on the strip, but that was kind of terrifying because it was so packed (again, fight night) so we went back inside and people watched. Still entertaining.
Sunday morning we swam at Jenna's parent's hotel and had lunch there before we headed out. I ended up leaving the same time Theresa and Jenna did. I stopped in Kingman on my way back and got to spend some time with my dad, which was nice. I ended up getting home way later than intended (Jenna and Theresa got back to SLC before I got back to Flagstaff so . . . yeah). Work yesterday was just pure torture but it was worth it!
Overall, it was just a fantastic trip with some fantastic people, and I'm so glad I got to go. Theresa and I have had a lot of great experiences together and we have a lot of great memories, and this weekend will definitely be one that stands out.
5.01.2015
122 Days (2015)
Remember this post from last year? When I was all woohoo it's summer I'm going to do stuff!?
Well, it's May 1st again, which means it's summer again. And since last summer I did nothing, I'm extra determined to actually do stuff this summer. My goals are pretty much the same. I think my biggest goals are to finally actually lose weight, and just to get outdoors and explore more. I live in a beautiful place with so much stuff to do outside, and I feel like I should start taking advantage of that more. I'd also like to make at least one trip to Kingman this summer to visit my family (a real visit, not just one on my way through to somewhere else).
I will say that I'm about to leave for Vegas, and I think that this summer starting with this trip is a really, really good sign that it's going to kick last summer's ass!
Well, it's May 1st again, which means it's summer again. And since last summer I did nothing, I'm extra determined to actually do stuff this summer. My goals are pretty much the same. I think my biggest goals are to finally actually lose weight, and just to get outdoors and explore more. I live in a beautiful place with so much stuff to do outside, and I feel like I should start taking advantage of that more. I'd also like to make at least one trip to Kingman this summer to visit my family (a real visit, not just one on my way through to somewhere else).
I will say that I'm about to leave for Vegas, and I think that this summer starting with this trip is a really, really good sign that it's going to kick last summer's ass!
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