I Had A Moment

This happened a week ago today, but I wanted to give it some time to gel before I wrote about it.

Last Saturday when Jerbs and I were driving home from dinner, it was all foggy and misty out.  (Misty is what I call that weird kind of light rain/snow stuff that happens in Flagstaff).  It was really pretty, so we decided to drive out to the pond up the road to see the water under the fog and snow.  And oh my goodness, it was beautiful.  We didn't get out of the car so we didn't get too close, but the snow on the banks and the fog drifting over the water was just stunning.  I love it.  Over in that area there are these big beautiful homes whose back yards slope down to the water, and if I could have one of those, I might be happy to stay here in Flag for the rest of my life.  And seeing those houses, all dark and quiet, with untouched snow all around them . . . to me, those images represent an ideal.  It's what I want.  Not just for the nice house in the pretty location, but for the sense of peace and contentment I feel when I see that ideal.  And I found myself thinking about that while we were at the pond, and then something happened.

If, at any point in the last year and a half, I had found myself in the same situation, I would have thought of Ex-Fiance.  Because since I met him, since I fell for him, all of those dreams, all of those future ideals, had expanded to include him, and the two had become intertwined.  I guess in a way he became a part of my future happiness.  And in the past year and a half, any kind of reminder of what I wanted out of life--like the reminder that came from seeing the houses at the pond on Saturday--would have been a reminder that it was impossible.  Does that make sense?  I'd see something that made me think of where I want my life to go and I'd immediately feel sad, because I'd feel like that ideal future was gone because he and I weren't moving towards getting back together.

But last Saturday, that didn't happen.  Yes, Ex-Fiance came to mind while I was at the pond, but then this amazing thing happened where . . . I don't even know how to describe it, really, but it was like I suddenly felt those dreams--my future, and Ex-Fiance--become distinctly separate things.  And it was like this huge epiphany where I was suddenly able to picture myself in a beautiful home in a beautiful place at complete peace without him there.  And I smiled the whole drive home.

Ever since Saturday, the anxiety about Ex-Fiance has just disappeared.  I've stopped thinking about him.  I've stopped daydreaming about us getting back together.  I've stopped talking about him.  I've stopped wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me.  I just . . . I genuinely don't care anymore.

And life just seems better now.  Isn't that odd?  I'm suddenly just so excited for the future.  I feel more confident in myself than I have in a long, long time.  This past week I've slept well every night (well, almost, I had hip issues on Monday night).  I've started to look forward to Christmas again.  I've become confident that I'm going to be able to do the things I want to do--like write and lose weight.  I'm just . . . so excited for life ever since I stopped needing him to be a part of it.

I didn't realize how much holding onto him was holding me back.

I know it sounds pretty crazy, right?  When I told Jerbs about it on Wednesday night she looked at me like I was nuts.  (Granted she's usually looking at me like that but still).  It's felt a little crazy too, to be honest, but it's been a week and nothing's changed so . . . well.  I don't know.  

It made me think about this old co-worker of mine, Jeff, at the Kingman Hastings.  When I told him about the break up, he said, "One day you'll wake up and he just won't matter anymore."  And apparently that was the truth.  I never imagined that I'd hang onto him for a year and a half (almost exactly) and then just get over it in one single moment.

I'm sure I'll write more about this later, because honestly it's all still kind of sorting out in my head.  For now, I just wanted to get it written down

Thanksgiving 2013

This was dinner:

Jerbs and I ordered a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner from Sprouts this year, because we decided we didn't feel like cooking, crockpot or otherwise.  We got a turkey breast (because we definitely didn't need a whole turkey for just the two of us), stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli au gratin, cranberry sauce, and dinner rolls for $29.99.  Plus we got a free pie (apple) that we didn't know about until we picked up our dinner!  I didn't try the rolls or the cranberry sauce but the rest of it was delicious.  I was impressed, especially considering that all we had to do was throw everything in the microwave for a few minutes. The broccoli au gratin was really, really good.

That plate in the picture was actually round 2, which took place after the nap that happened after round 1.

I love Thanksgiving.

Other than eating and hanging out with Jerbs I've just been working on some Christmas shopping lists and stuff.  I'm so excited that I'm off until Monday!  Now if only Jerbs didn't have to work for Black Friday, things would be perfect.

I'm not going Black Friday shopping tomorrow, by which I mean I'm not getting up at a ridiculous hour and standing in a ridiculous line to buy anything.  (Seriously, to get me out of bed for Black Friday, the deal would have to be something along the lines of sex with Adam Levine for a dollar).  But I'm going to go do some shopping at a more normal hour, because it's payday and I need crap.  JoAnns is having some sales I want to hit up on Saturday, so I might get up a smidge early for that, but we'll see.

Anyway.  So that was my Thanksgiving.  Lazy and relaxing with good food--that's just what I wanted!

Thankful Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for so many things, but today, I'm especially thankful for my mental health.

I don't even know how to put into words how good it feels to be mentally healthy.  I really don't.  Getting to this point, where I am healthy and normal and genuinely happy with my life has truly been the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I think I wrote about this a little bit last November, when I was just starting to see and feel some improvement, but at that time I never imagined how far I would end up coming.  I didn't think I would end up doing this well; I didn't think I would end up this happy.

I didn't get here on my own, though, and I'm so very thankful for all the people who've helped me.

I'm thankful for my family and Jerbs, who have just always been there, who witnessed the crazy firsthand, who had to calm me down over and over again, and who loved me anyway.  Jerbs probably saw the most of it, since she lived with me through years of it, and I can't count how many times she took away sharp things and pills so I couldn't hurt myself or tucked me into bed and rubbed my back until I fell asleep or how many times she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself.  I'd probably be dead without her.  And both she and my family helped a lot with the financial aspect of the treatment, for which I'm very grateful.

I'm thankful for Corey.  Even with all of the heart ache that was the end result of that relationship, and even though he's no longer a part of my life and never will be again, I'm thankful to him for pushing me to get treatment and for finding the first doctor who ever actually helped me.

I'm thankful for Dr. Wright, who actually listened to me and made a correct diagnosis and started me on the treatment that helped me.

I'm thankful for all the various friends who've been there at one point or another, who have had kind words or a shoulder to cry on at the times I've needed.  These people know who they are, and I adore them.

I'm thankful for my MHC co-workers, because it was refreshing to go into a place where nobody knew about my issues, who just treated me like a normal person.  And it was even more refreshing that, when I did eventually tell them about it, they reacted with complete shock.  Most of them said they never would have guessed there was anything like that going on with me, and it was amazing to hear that.

So that's that.  Now I'm off to have some Thanksgiving dinner/lunch/whatever (courtesy of Sprouts) with Jerbs!

Finally A Good Night's Sleep!

I went to bed at 11:15 last night.  11:15!  That's earlier than I go to bed on work nights.  And let me tell you, it was glorious.  I slept straight through the night until 6:20 in the morning . . . 7 continuous hours of sleep.  I don't remember the last time that happened!  My awesome night of sleep was the result of a very long and very busy day.

Back in October my boss sent me an email about this one day conference type deal that was happening in Cottonwood, which is about an hour from Flagstaff.  It was just a few speakers, and in particular there was a speaker from Medicare coming to talk about coding and whatnot.  Our CEO requested that my boss invite someone to go with her, and she invited me.  So I said I'd go, and then nothing was ever said about it again.  Like, nothing.  And as the date got closer I just kind of assumed we weren't going for whatever reason.  Then this past Thursday my boss was like oh shit, that thing is this weekend!

So Friday night I stayed up too late and went to bed at 1:30 AM; then on Saturday morning my alarm clock went off at 4:30.  It was very unpleasant.  But I dragged myself out of bed, got ready to go, and drove over to MHC in the snow (it was coming down pretty hard).  (I have to say, I love having an SUV.  I felt so much better driving that in the snow than any of the other cars I've had).  Thankfully my boss drove to Cottonwood.

The conference was good.  There were 3 speakers: a heart surgeon who went over ICD-10 stuff, an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in hands and didn't talk about billing/coding at all, and then a Medicare medical director who talked about ICD-10 and Medicare.  It was all actually very interesting.  I definitely learned some stuff that'll help me out in the future and I'm glad for that.  Medicare is such a complicated insurance that I think really knowing it will be a good thing for my career in this field.  And the conference ended an hour early, so we got home an hour early, which was awesome.

I took a little power nap when I got home and then Jerbs and I went out to dinner and then did some shopping.  We got home a little before 10, and I spent almost an hour just lying in my bed before I realized that I wasn't actually going to be able to stay up.

Anyway, that was my Saturday.  As much as I kind of didn't want to go to the conference I'm glad I did, because I learned a lot, and of course it never hurts to make a good impression on my boss, right?

Now on to my usual Sunday crap, yay.  I'm excited for this coming week, though, because it's only 3 days of work followed by 4 days off!  Can't beat that!

Today

We woke up to snow!  Well, I woke up to snow, Jerbs got to sleep in, but still!  It started snowing just before I went to bed last night and it apparently lasted because there were a couple inches on the ground in the morning.  It was so pretty.  I'm glad that even if my holiday spirit is still basically gone I can still get little kid level excited about snow.  It snowed for a couple hours and then poured down rain all day after that.  It's still raining.  Just as lovely as the snow, I think.

After work I took my car to Discount Tire to get one of my tires fixed, and they were packed.  Lots of people getting snow tires put on and stuff.  So they told me it would be a 2.5 hour wait just for my little repair, which sucked, but I didn't have a choice.  I wandered over to the Bookman's plaza and went to Michaels, JoAnn, and Bookmans.  Bookmans has a cool little cafe, so I got a Mexican mocha latte (so good!) and sat by the window and just watched the rain come down.  It was lovely.  There was a very interesting guy performing there today . . . I didn't find out his name, but he's a singer/guitarist/Native American flute player.  I think my favorite song was "Don't Worry, Be Hopi," which was sung to the beat of "Don't Worry, Be Happy."  It was all about the trials, triumphs, and spirit of the Hopi tribe.  It was pretty amazing, in a Flagstaff kinda way.  

They had these little signs up around the cafe, and it made me happy:

Love it.  If I were doing NaNo this year I'd totally write there.

I finally headed back to the tire place and on the way I passed this . . . um, interesting? . . . bit of Christmas window art.  I can't remember which business had it on their window but I find it odd:

I texted it to B, and this conversation happened.

Me: I do not understand what's happening in this picture.

B: He's . . . inflating his sack?

Me: He's inflating someone's sack.

B: It's so swollen.

B: He's blushing too, little scamp.

Me: Viiiiirgin.

Yeah.  We're interesting together.

I got back to the tire place right about 2.5 hours after I dropped my car off and sat there for another 45 minutes.  It sucked.  And my tire was fixable but when they took it off they found it was totally bald on the inside.  I told them to just put the spare on if they could get to it (getting to my spare is complicated . . . my dad wasn't able to when I was in Ktown).  I thought for sure I was going to end up having to buy a new tire but the spare thing worked out and I had my car like 5 minutes after my conversation with the tech.

Then I picked up my Lithium, which is awesome.  I was dreading doing it because I thought for sure my doctor's office would have fucked up again, but thankfully that wasn't the case.  Woohoo medication.

So that was my day.  I think this was the first Friday since I started at MHC that I didn't come straight home and take a nap after work . . . maybe I'm growing up!

Probably not, though.  Probably not.

TGIF

I'm so glad this week is over.

It started out bad (seriously, worst Monday ever) and really only marginally improved.  I think I've spent most of the week in my bed with the covers pulled over my head, sound asleep.

I have just been exhausted this week.  Flat out exhausted.  Like I felt in April when I thought my thyroid was crashing.  This time I'm blaming it on other things.

I had trouble sleeping on Sunday night.  Not unusual but normally I just have trouble getting to sleep and basically end up falling asleep later than I should.  But this past Sunday I spent most of the night tossing and turning and randomly waking up and feeling incredibly anxious.  I think it was the lack of Lithium starting to take effect.  So then I was super tired Monday, and the combination of exhaustion and having a shitty day felt like a really great excuse for taking a nap after work.

Which meant I went to bed late on Monday.  And took a nap on Tuesday.  And so on and so forth.  I've napped every day this week (loooong naps too . . . like shamefully long naps).  So I screwed my sleep schedule.

Add to the screwed up sleep schedule the lack of Li in my system, the dreary winter weather we've been having, and the fact that it's already completely dark by the time I get home in the evenings and there ya have it.

Not that I don't love the dreary winter weather.  It's been grey and rainy all week (and SNOW predicted for the weekend) and it's beautiful . . . but it also makes my bed a lot more appealing than most other things.

I think it goes without saying that I completely ditched my diet this week.  Sigh.

Next week should be better.  The Lithium issue should be resolved today (Friday), and I know that'll help a lot with the energy thing, which will in turn make it easier to eat better and stick to my normal sleep schedule.  Weeks like this, when I feel like I accomplish nothing, make me feel like crap, and I hate it.  But then, I also think that I'm allowed to have an off week here and there.  It happens to everyone, right?

Here's to Friday!

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for:

--My job.  This is a really big one this year, because last year at this time I was unemployed and terrified that I'd never find a job.  And now I have a job that I love, with great co-workers, and I make enough money to support myself.  It's truly one of the best things that's happened to me since I came back to Flagstaff, for so many reasons.  I can say without a doubt that it helped tremendously with my mental health issues.  I feel so much better about myself now that I've got a job where I do well and am actually kind of important, and now that I don't have to depend on Jerbs so much.  It makes me feel very accomplished and happy.  Having a fixed schedule has also helped a lot, just in general.  Before, when I worked at Hastings and then when I wasn't working, I always stayed up too late and then slept too late and just felt off as far as how my days went, if that makes sense.  My work schedule has helped a lot with that.  I am just so incredibly grateful for MHC because I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be.  Plus the experience and skills I'm getting at this job will always be useful and will definitely help me get a job when I move out of AZ.  It's just a win win win for me, and like I said, I'm grateful for it, everyday.

--My car.  This is also a big one.  Having a car has been awesome.  Obviously it's made life a little easier in that it's convenient to be able to do things on my schedule and to be able to grocery shop without having to think about how much I can carry home.  And of course it's nice to not have to hike through snow in the freezing cold to get to the bus.  But even more than that I feel like my car is a really big symbol of my independence and how far I've come.  I bought that car by myself.  My mom did help with the down payment a little but I paid her back really fast, so I really did buy it with my own money.  And my own credit.  It's the first car that's ever been in just MY name, and I am so freaking proud of that!  Buying it was an accomplishment.

--Music education.  I know this is kind of a random one but it's something that I was thinking of the other day.  Art programs of all kinds are always the first things to go when schools need to save money and that's heart breaking.  I feel like the arts are absolutely essential to a well rounded education.  I started in band when I was in 5th grade and I played in ensembles all the way through college, plus I joined a band sorority, where I made some of the best friends I've ever had.  I'm very thankful that my parents always encouraged me to pursue music and that they thought it was just as important as math and English and science.  I genuinely feel like it made me smarter, and I know it played a huge role in making me who I am today.

Not A Good Day

So last week I requested a Lithium refill through my pharmacy website.  After two days it still hadn't been filled so I called my doctor's office and left a voicemail asking them to just call it in, because I didn't want to deal with the same BS as when I called in my Paxil.  And it was filled this past Friday, and I finally went to pick it up today.  And it was the wrong effing prescription.  It was Lithium, just not the extended release kind.  It was the regular kind that makes me sick when I take it.  Just to clarify, I have been on the ER formula for more than two years now (since September 2011), I told this new doctor that at least twice during our visit back in September so I know it's in his notes, AND it's in my chart.  Yet somehow this moron managed to get it wrong.

So now I'm 4 days off Lithium and feeling like crap and generally just very, very annoyed with this whole freaking process.  Today especially sucked and I honestly found myself very bitterly thinking that maybe I should just terminate my treatment and let this shit run its course until its inevitable end.  It is enormously frustrating to feel like all the hard work I've done is a waste because my doctor is completely incompetent.  I really, really can't handle this up and down shit--being well, then being sick, then being well, then being sick, and so on.

I'm looking for a new doctor.  I'm done with this office.  Beyond done.  Apparently my old doctor was the glue holding the place together.

Then my mom called me at work to let me know that she was at the vet's office in Kingman to have on of our cats, Peek-A-Boo, put to sleep.  Peek-A-Boo was my first real pet, a white kitten with two different colored eyes, who I adopted from my childhood best friend.  She was very, very old--I think we got her in 1996, so she was 17.5 years old, and she had a good kitty life, I know that.  She was very loved.

Maybe this is weird, but I feel a very strong need to say good bye to my old pets, even if it's via phone.  So after I talked to my mom on my work phone, I grabbed my cell phone and slipped away to one of the sleep rooms.  I called my mom back and she put the phone to Boo Boo's ear and I told her how much I loved her.  Then I went to my desk and cried my eyes out.  Super grown up and professional, I know, but at one point or another I've seen pretty much all of my co-workers having similar break downs over their kids or spouse's or whatever, and I feel like I should get the same consideration for the things I care about.  Then I cried the whole drive home, and then I fell into my bed and cried myself to sleep.  I don't cry much anymore but when I do, I cry about everything that I'm unhappy about, so it's pretty intense.

All in all just a shitty, shitty day.  But I know that Peek-A-Boo is in a better place (I don't know if I believe in God or whatever, but I firmly believe that all souls, animal or human, go somewhere beautiful where they are reunited with loved ones and that they watch over us from that place), and I know that she's there with all of her furry siblings who've gone before her.  Especially Goochie, our dachshund, who we got right around the same time as Boo Boo and who passed away a few years ago.  My mom said that they were going to have her cremated and sprinkle her ashes in a pet memorial garden that the vet's office maintains.  I was glad to hear that.

And I know that the Lithium thing will work out, I just have to get through a day or two more and then I'll be good for another month, and in the meantime I'll find a doctor who knows what he or she is doing and understands the concept of continuation of care.

R.I.P. Peek-A-Boo.  Love and miss you.

Sigh

This popped up on Facebook today.

And I giggled.  And then I cringed.  And then I hoped--hoped hoped hoped--that this is never how I'm thought of, by him or anyone else.

Thoughts & Stuff

I've been feeling pretty happy lately.  For the past two weeks, really, ever since I got back from Kingman; I think something about my visit home had an energizing effect on me.  I've been writing--like actually writing, not just sort of scribbling notes here and there, but actually focusing on one specific writing project and working on it.  I'm making progress on it and it makes me happy.  And I'm really proud of my diet accomplishments this past week; I know I wasn't perfect but I definitely took some really good steps in the right direction and I feel confident about how this next week will go in that respect.

It's been nice.  I've just felt very sure of myself and very engaged in my life.

And then tonight just . . . I don't know.

It started with an argument with Jerbs and then kind of snow balled from there, because that one little argument over nothing made me think of things I generally try to just ignore.

Let me say that I am happy with my life.  I know I don't have a lot to complain about.  But there are times when I'm not content.  Because at the end of the day, as happy as I am, I know that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I am so lonely.  This is probably the worst thing.  I can honestly say that Jerbs is my only friend here in Flagstaff.  There is literally no one I can call up and go to dinner with or go hang out with.  She is the only person I interact with socially and it makes me miserable.  Yes I have my co-workers but they're all married and have kids and they don't really have time to hang out with single co-workers.  I love Jerbs but not enough to want her to be my only friend.

And I'm sick of being single.  So fucking sick of it.  I miss Ex-Fiance and I'm painfully aware of how not over him I am.  And I hate myself for not being over it.  I hate missing him and knowing exactly what went wrong with us and exactly how I could have fixed and that for whatever reason I chose not to fix it.  Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant of the role I played in the end of our relationship, that I really had no idea what I did wrong and blamed him for the whole thing.  The regret is still immense.

I just . . . want a change.  I want to be out of AZ by the time I'm 30; that's my goal.  And sometimes I completely panic that my life, as it is right now, is what my life will always be.  And if I turn 35 and I'm still sharing a bedroom with my ex girlfriend in the town where I went to college, I am going to feel like I took a very, very wrong turn somewhere.

Fitness Update

I haven't weighed myself since October 15th, which is why I didn't post a November weigh in.  I just kind of decided I didn't care.  During that whole incident with my medicine I went completely off the rails diet/exercise wise so I knew that whatever I saw on the scale wasn't going to be pleasant.  I didn't measure myself either.

But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight.  Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with.  And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit.  I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well!  I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.

I won't lie, I feel like shit.  I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches.  And I'm grouchy as well.  I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too.  I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing?  It's not really pleasant but it's manageable.  This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit.  I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well.  I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to.  It's kind of depressing.  At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start!  When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things!  But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.

I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?

At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for:

--My friends from college.  I didn't make it out of college with a huge social group, because I was super antisocial.  In retrospect it was probably undiagnosed bipolar disorder that made me that way but regardless of the reason, that's what happened.  Even though I don't have a lot of friends from my college days, the ones I do have--Theresa and B in particular--are pretty freaking amazing, and I'm very grateful for them.

--My furkids!  Benji especially, because he's been my little buddy for 6.5 years now, and because he gave me something to focus on when I was sick and by myself.  I just love him so much, and I hope that he has some good years left with me.  And then there's Max, who's a hand full and at times a gigantic pain in the ass, but who's growing on me.  Even if Benji's my favorite, I'm very very glad that I was able to adopt Max and give him a happy forever home.  It's been very gratifying to watch him go from being shy and scared and skinny to playful and brave and fluffy.  He's really a very sweet dog, he's just been a bit much to get used to.  He's very dog like--he chews on bones and rips up toys and runs around the house and sticks his head out the car window when we drive and lives to go on walks.  And Benji, even at his healthiest, was more like an indoor cat; he's always preferred to be inside and just chilling on the couch.  But they make good brothers, and that makes me happy.  I'm even thankful for Jerbs' cats, because even though they drive me nuts sometimes they're sweet in their own way.  And they make Jerbs happy, which also makes me happy.

--This blog, still.  Because it's a great outlet for me and I like knowing that someday I'll be able to look back at all of this, or that someday my nephew might read it and get to know his Auntica a little bit better.  And because I want it to serve as a resource or an inspiration for other people suffering from mental illness, because I really would love nothing more than to help them.

On Being Social

This past Saturday, B and a few of her friends were in town for the day.  There was a small anime con at Little America and they were up here for that, and then later in the evening Jerbs and I met up with them for dinner, which turned into dinner then coffee then drinks.  It really was just a fantastic evening.  Good food, good company . . . you can't really go wrong with that.  It's always nice to see B (and we don't see each other nearly enough these days in my opinion) and catch up with her, and the people she was with (none of whom I'd met before) were all awesome.  Plus it was just nice to get out of the house, because that's unusual for me . . . not that I'm complaining, I'm definitely a homebody, but every once in awhile, y'know?

We had dinner at a pizza place, and can I tell you that I loved paying for my own dinner and someone else's?  Maybe that's weird but I spent so long always having Jerbs or someone else treat me and it made me feel so losery.  So being out and paying my own way felt awesome!  I felt like an adult.  Or at least, as much as I can feel like an adult when I'm with Jerbs and B.

Anyway, besides being just an awesome night with friends, it was another one of those times that just made me understand very clearly how much better I am than I used to be.

I don't think I have to say that in the past, when I was sick, social experiences were a complete and utter nightmare for me.  I'm convinced this is why I have so few friends from college--because I always hated going out and being around people.  Even people I genuinely liked.  It was bad in college but it got much worse after.  It got to a point that going out with people made me question who I was.  It's hard to explain but it just fed my identity issues.  I think it was because I'd always end up comparing myself to the people I was with and, in a way, wondering if I should be more like them and feeling bad that I wasn't.  It would also make me feel kind of split--like who I was in my daily life wasn't the same as who I was when I was out with my friends, like somehow I was two different people and I had no clue which one was the real me.  It was awful.  It gave me anxiety attacks.  Plus when I was sick I was socially awkward: I always felt like I was too loud, like I talked too fast, like I was just kind of obnoxious and that no one wanted to really be around me.

But this weekend I felt none of those things.  I'm pretty sure I made some new friends, and that's great.  I feel like I'm actually quite likable now.  And not once did I question myself or where I am in life.  Talking to B and her friends about what they're doing with their lives was just interesting.  Just part of the conversation.  And when I got home, I felt whole instead of split.  I felt like I was just me--a girl who works in medical billing and writes and sews and gabs with old friends and drinks bloody marys and whatever.  Like all the parts of me made sense.  It was seriously one of the best feelings ever.  I don't think I'd realized until now how much better those particular issues had gotten, and I am over the moon to have done so.  When I went to work on Monday I felt like I fit in with my co-workers just as well as with my college friends.  Truly glorious.

I love these reminders of my mental health.  It makes me so happy.  So so happy. 

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for . . .

--My family.  Of course this goes without saying and I'm always grateful for them, but when I think of being thankful, they're my first thought.  This past weekend's visit to Kingman was a good reminder of this.  I'm thankful to my mom and dad for just generally being very loving and supportive parents.  I'm thankful that I get to see them as grandparents, because it really is one of the most amazing things to watch.  I'm thankful for my sisters: Jenny because she's an inspiration in that she balances being a single mom and an amazing RN, and because I'm just so proud of her, and Jillian because she's the only person in my family I can really talk to about artistic pursuits (which is why she's one of my beta readers for my writing, always).  And this year I'm especially thankful for Austin, because he's just at such a great, fun age, and I literally can't be anything but happy when I'm around him.

--Jerbs.  Oh Jerbs.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  She's such an integral part of my life that I don't even know how to put it into words, really.  I'm glad I don't have to live alone, and I'm glad to have her as a friend.  I'm glad she's been such a tremendous support system through both recovering from my mental issues and my breakup.  When it comes to those things I don't know what I'd have done without her.

That's it for today!  More next Thursday!

K-Town & Austy's 5th(!) Birthday

This past weekend's trip to Kingman was really, really good.

I left on Friday (way later than I meant to) and got in a little before 7:00.  Austin was SO excited to see me!  That evening I took him out to dinner (at Cracker Barrel, his favorite), and Jillian joined us.  Then I took him to Hastings and let him pick out his birthday gifts.  The look on his face when I told him he could spend $40 for his birthday was priceless.  I know $40 is a lot . . . I think it was a combination of how cute that kid is and how guilty I felt about not visiting my family since June.  Anyway, he got Mario Yahtzee (I have no idea why) and this little science kit thing.  As he called it, he got "Mario Ahtzee and science!"

The next morning we went to Austin's soccer game, which was pretty hilarious.  Austin likes to kind of rev up when it's his turn to kick the ball in, so he starts running from way back at the goal net and then kicks.  It's just fantastic, and by the end of the game all the kids on his team were doing it.  Afterwards I took Jillian to lunch at Chipotle (because they opened one in Kingman, which is so weird!) and we talked about her plans for the future, which was nice.  Jillian is one of those people who's got a great head on her shoulders but just needs to figure out how to use it, and I think she's making progress.

And then it was time for Austin's birthday party!  My sister has gotten a lot smarter about throwing little kid parties, so this year, we had it at this park near my mom's house, and had cupcakes instead of a cake.  It was fun, and Max was in heaven with all these little kids wanting to pet him and love on him.  Afterwards I helped Austy build some of the Legos he got for his birthday.  Austin is always endlessly impressed with my Lego skills, which makes me happy.

Sunday morning my sister was working so Austin had to go to daycare, so we said goodbye before he left since I was anticipating leaving before he'd be out of daycare.  I went to my dad's and we visited and he changed the oil in my car (woohoo!), and then I went back to my sister's and took a nap.  By the time I woke up it was afternoon and I decided to stick around and pick Austin up from daycare as a surprise.  The look on his face when I walked in was amazing.  He said, "Auntica, I thought you were going home!"  And I said, "I was, but then I decided I'd rather hang out with you some more instead!"  He was so excited.  We went to this frozen yogurt place he likes (I don't actually know the name of it, but it's by Home Depot) and got some frozen yogurt.  They have board games there that you can play and Austin got all excited when he saw they had Yahtzee, so we played that while we ate our yogurt.  It was just lovely.

Afterwards I took Austin to my mom's, hung out for a little while, and then had to leave.  Poor Austin was so sad, he was crying his sweet little eyes out because he didn't want me to leave.  It was pretty heart wrenching.  I hate hearing him cry.  I think how I feel about Austin is probably the closest I'll ever get to maternal instinct, so it was hard.  I just love him so much.

So now I'm back in Flagstaff, dealing with fun new crap at work and missing my family.  This visit was probably the best one I've had since the breakup, and that makes me happy.

I wish Austin could stay this age forever.  I wish he could spend his whole life thinking the world was bounce houses, Legos, and people who love him unconditionally and without reserve.  But since he can't, I just want to remember that right now, he is this perfect distillation of joy and energy and good all contained in a gangly, grinning little boy.