I'm not really in the mood to make a list of New Year's Resolutions this year, because it gets kind of discouraging making the same ones over and over again and not accomplishing them (which I know is totally my own fault). But I still wanted to touch on some of the things I want to accomplish this year.
As usual, I would like to lose weight. I need to get in shape, both because I'm sick of how I look and because I want to be healthier. I work in cardiology and I see what happens to people who don't take care of themselves and I don't want to be one of those patients when I'm older.
I want to rededicate myself to my mental health. Not that things are terrible in this area right now, but I feel like I've kind of . . . I don't know, been less diligent the past year. I want to be consistent with it.
I want to focus on my writing. My goal is to write 1000 words of creative writing a month. I think that's doable.
I also want to be better with money and really start working on building my credit. Jerbs and I want to buy a house within the next few years.
I want to travel. Last year I learned that I am completely capable of traveling so I definitely want to do more of it this year. Particularly, I want to finally go to Seattle.
And speaking of Seattle, I think one of the biggest goals for this year is to finally move to Washington. I really feel like it's just time, and like Jerbs and I are finally in a place where we could actually make it happen. The thought of actually moving is overwhelming and kind of scary but also really, really exciting. I've (mostly) loved the past few years in Flagstaff, and things here have gone far better than I'd have expected, but I have never felt like staying here long time is a real, sustainable option.
I also wanted to pick a word for this year, and the word I picked is BOLD. So I'm going to try and be BOLD this year!
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
1.01.2016
6.15.2014
Buckling Down
I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like the past two weeks have just been . . . weird. I can't quite put my finger on why but things have felt off. It's been frustrating and I'm really trying to shake it.
Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather. That's never easy for me. And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside. Very, very annoying. I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks. Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit. I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out. And I obviously can't sleep through work. And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate. I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out. That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.
But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.
I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. That is, at the moment, a high priority. Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.
I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being. I need to drink less soda and more water. I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP. I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.
I need to work out. I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio. My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.
And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.
I need to write. That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.
Some of it, I think, is the transition into summer weather. That's never easy for me. And I know I said I was going to enjoy summer this year (and that's still my plan) but lately the weather has been doing this awful thing where it's super nice and awesome during the week (y'know, on the days when I spend 9 hours a day cooped up in my office), and then as soon as the weekend hits we have ridiculous wind that basically makes it impossible to do anything outside. Very, very annoying. I've also been just this side of physically ill the past couple weeks. Nothing horrible, just a dull headache--almost like the start of a sinus headache--pretty constantly, and my eyes have been hurting/itching quite a bit. I really think it's allergies, which means there's nothing I can really do about it, because there aren't any allergy medications that won't knock me out. And I obviously can't sleep through work. And this off feeling has made me really hit or miss diet/workout wise, which I hate. I can't even tell you the last time I really worked out. That whole walking on my lunch breaks pretty much went out the window because lately I haven't been able to take more than a half hour for lunch.
But I feel like this week I need to suck it up, buckle down, and get my shit together.
I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. That is, at the moment, a high priority. Jerbs found some doctors that look promising down in Phoenix (because I can't find anyone closer), I just need to call them and set it up.
I need to quit eating fast food, both for the sake of my physical well being and my financial well being. I need to drink less soda and more water. I need to get better about meeting the calorie goal I have on MFP. I'm also going to start weekly weigh ins instead of every two weeks, just to hold myself a little more accountable.
I need to work out. I know that this week, between the allergy stuff and not drinking as much soda, I'm not going to get in any hardcore cardio. My plan is to walk as much as I can during the day and then do a yoga workout every night before bed.
And speaking of going to bed, I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour (11ish) every night this week, wake up in time to get ready for work and make sure the dogs are all taken care of (Jerbs is out of town again), and not nap after work.
I need to write. That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately--the fact that writing has always been my passion and my dream and that I've been completely ignoring it. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped up in my serious, grown up job that I've lost sight of my more creative goals, and I need to get back to that.
11.16.2013
Fitness Update
I haven't weighed myself since October 15th, which is why I didn't post a November weigh in. I just kind of decided I didn't care. During that whole incident with my medicine I went completely off the rails diet/exercise wise so I knew that whatever I saw on the scale wasn't going to be pleasant. I didn't measure myself either.
But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight. Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with. And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit. I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well! I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.
I won't lie, I feel like shit. I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches. And I'm grouchy as well. I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too. I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing? It's not really pleasant but it's manageable. This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit. I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well. I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to. It's kind of depressing. At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start! When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things! But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.
I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?
At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!
But after awhile of not caring I'm in the process of trying to get back into the groove of losing weight. Right now I'm focusing on diet as opposed to exercise, because the food part of stuff is what I have the most trouble with. And I know that the food part is the most important, so right now my goal is to cut out fast food, limit soda (OMG SO HARD), and eat at a calorie deficit. I'm on myfitnesspal.com and logging what I eat and drink, and for the past couple days I've done well! I didn't eat fast food on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, I stayed under my calorie goal every day, and the most soda I've had on any day has been 2 cans (which I realize is still quite a bit but for me that's freaking amazing), and I haven't gone over my calorie goal any day.
I won't lie, I feel like shit. I'm definitely having some caffeine withdrawals; mostly I'm a lot more tired than usual and I have headaches. And I'm grouchy as well. I think I'm having fasts food withdrawal too. I know that I'm eating enough, I just think my body is used to a really big intake of fat and calories and without that it's like WTF are you doing? It's not really pleasant but it's manageable. This is one reason I'm giving myself a break from the gym for a bit. I just don't feel up to exercising but I think that as my body gets used to less fat/calories/sugar/caffeine I'll be able to back to the gym and do well. I knew that when I finally actually committed to a diet it wasn't going to feel good, because I've spent years and years eating nothing but fatty, high calorie, high sugar junk and that's what my body's acclimated to. It's kind of depressing. At the same time, I'm proud of myself and I feel like the pat few days are a great start! When it comes to weight loss food has ALWAYS been what's held me back, because let's face it, going to the gym and hitting up Taco Bell on your way home just isn't the way to do things! But now that I've got almost a week under my belt I'm feeling very confident, and I think maybe this will finally be the time I make it happen.
I've heard from two people, both of whom I trust, that the first week is the hardest and that once I get past that I'll be fine . . . here's hoping, right?
At any rate, I'm going to weigh/measure on December 1st, and hopefully the numbers will be encouraging!
10.15.2013
Online Dating
Confession: I have a profile on Match.com. I have for a couple months now, but I rarely think about it or check it. It was made from a combination of being bored one night and just kind of being curious about what's out there.
It's not something I'm taking seriously right now. I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating. I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me. Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix. Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.
I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet. But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?
When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed. I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with. The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least. Very, very daunting.
Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want! You need to make a bold move!" (That's a direct quote, I swear). So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him. Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks. But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him. I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back. It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high. I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.
I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing. I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to. And I've done that, I think. For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health. Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.
It's not something I'm taking seriously right now. I don't know that it's something I'll ever be able to take seriously, to be honest, because I'm not a huge fan of online dating. I know it works for some people, and I know people who have ended up happily married after meeting online, and more power to them--but still, I just don't think it's for me. Right now my profile is set to look for men in Washington state, not AZ, because come on--I'm definitely not going to meet anyone here in Flagstaff (hipsters, hippies, and arrogant college kids . . . um, no thanks) and I have no interest in moving to Phoenix. Besides, I have no intention of staying in AZ (my goal is actually to move next year) and I feel like I'd probably end up meeting someone who did want to stay here.
I don't have a paid account on Match yet, because I just don't see the point right now. Maybe somewhere down the road I'll try a little harder at it but . . . not yet. But I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and it doesn't hurt to look, right?
When I do randomly remember to sign on and browse through my daily matches, it's usually a little exciting at first and then, by the time I'm on the last one, I just feel depressed. I finally realized that it's because looking at guys and reading about why I should date them eventually just makes me remember that I already found someone and that I already know who I want to be with. The thought of starting over and trying to connect to someone else the same way is . . . daunting, to say the least. Very, very daunting.
Speaking of that person, back at the beginning of September I talked to a co-worker about him, and she basically was all, "Girl, go for what you want! You need to make a bold move!" (That's a direct quote, I swear). So after a couple weeks of hesitating, I tried calling him. Which failed, because cell service where he is kind of sucks. But I tried a few times and when that didn't work, I Facebooked him. I didn't say much, just what I wanted and needed him to hear, and I'm waiting to hear back. It's been 2.5 weeks and I have to be honest, my hopes aren't high. I needed to try, though, because not saying what I needed to say was becoming a bigger burden than finally gathering the thoughts and putting them out there.
I know that right now all I can do is be patient and wait for fate to do its thing. I truly believe that whatever's meant to be will be, and in the end I really just want to know that I tried everything I could to make things go how I wanted them to. And I've done that, I think. For now I'm just going to continue to focus on myself: my job, my life, my writing, my health. Pretty much what I've been doing all this year, just with a more happy, at peace mentality about it, if that makes sense.
8.25.2013
This Week
I know this post is titled "This Week," but I'm actually going to talk about last week first.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
Last week was awful. I didn't work out once. I feel like I had a good reason not to on Monday, because my legs were feeling a little tight/sore from the climb, and I didn't want to make that worse. But the rest of the week, there was no reason I couldn't have worked out. I also ate horribly. Like . . . worse than I have in a really, really, really long time. Last weekend was just so busy that I never went grocery shopping and whatever, and then during the week I kept ending up taking naps after work . . . it was so dumb. Seriously, it was just a dumb week as far as my fitness goals went. And now I feel shitty and huge physically and it's incredibly unpleasant.
So I'm very determined that this week is going to be different. I went grocery shopping tonight and I'm going to focus my effort on not eating out. It's so incredibly unnecessary and I need to stop. I also need to start working out more. I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym on my lunch break like I used to. I stopped doing that around the end of May because it was just so dang hot, and the thought of getting sweaty, changing into different clothes and getting even sweatier, then putting on my original sweaty clothes and going back to work sounded less than appealing. But it's cooling down and raining almost every day right now so that might be an option.
I need to go to bed earlier, too. I'm so horrible about staying up too late. I'm just a night owl. Always have been, probably always will be. But it turns into a vicious cycle (stay up too late, tired at work, nap when I get home, then can't sleep when it's time for bed) and I really need to get on top of it.
So that's that. No fast food M--F, work out everyday, in bed by 11 every night, no more naps.
We'll see how it goes.
4.03.2013
Bringin' My A-Game in April!
It's April. And I'm excited about it. Yeah, it started off a smidge crappy with my bad day Monday but hey, it was a Monday, and I'm still excited.
I just feel glad for a new month. I've been kind of slacking in some areas the past couple months (namely my diet) and I'm just done with that. I don't know why but something about this trip to Kingman this past weekend just made me feel better. Happier, calmer, more hopeful, renewed. It made me think about how I want to work on myself even harder and how much I still need to do.
So this month, I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to be stricter about my diet, I'm going to workout with a vengeance, I'm going to improve at work, I'm going to save money, I'm going to write.
This is more than just a renewed sense of confidence, though. I experienced a really amazing mental shift this weekend that I think will do wonders for me as I continue to get better.
I feel like for a long time, I have this sort of false sense of determination. Like I'll say that I'm going to do this or do that and even though I want to do those things, I can't seem to stick with it. And I always promise myself that this time'll be different and this time it's for real and so on but I also always know that I'm lying to myself. And I hate it but I've also been in a place where I try not to push myself and just do what I can, and it's frustrating to be afraid to push myself, if that makes sense.
But . . . I don't know. All of a sudden this weekend, I believed myself. I told myself, I am going to do this, and I believed. I do believe it. And while this probably doesn't seem like a huge deal, I think it is, because I finally trust myself. I finally believe myself. I finally feel like I can rely on myself. And it is overwhelming and I know that this time it's for real. I love it.
I also realized something else this weekend. I've felt, for quite awhile now, very READY to talk to Corey about us and our relationship. Like I'm ready to have that conversation and all that. And this weekend I realized that I'm actually not completely ready, that I have to work a little more on myself before that conversation happens. I think what I need is just one month where I do really, really well. Where I stick to my goals and the things I need to do, where I just get even better. So hello April!
Plus that realization--that I'm not ready--didn't actually bother me. It's hard, because I want to talk it out now (this is all assuming that he wants to talk it out too), but also, I felt calm. I trust that if that conversation is supposed to happen, then it will, and whenever it happens it will be the right time. I have a good feeling that that conversation is in my future, though.
I just feel glad for a new month. I've been kind of slacking in some areas the past couple months (namely my diet) and I'm just done with that. I don't know why but something about this trip to Kingman this past weekend just made me feel better. Happier, calmer, more hopeful, renewed. It made me think about how I want to work on myself even harder and how much I still need to do.
So this month, I'm going to work my ass off. I'm going to be stricter about my diet, I'm going to workout with a vengeance, I'm going to improve at work, I'm going to save money, I'm going to write.
This is more than just a renewed sense of confidence, though. I experienced a really amazing mental shift this weekend that I think will do wonders for me as I continue to get better.
I feel like for a long time, I have this sort of false sense of determination. Like I'll say that I'm going to do this or do that and even though I want to do those things, I can't seem to stick with it. And I always promise myself that this time'll be different and this time it's for real and so on but I also always know that I'm lying to myself. And I hate it but I've also been in a place where I try not to push myself and just do what I can, and it's frustrating to be afraid to push myself, if that makes sense.
But . . . I don't know. All of a sudden this weekend, I believed myself. I told myself, I am going to do this, and I believed. I do believe it. And while this probably doesn't seem like a huge deal, I think it is, because I finally trust myself. I finally believe myself. I finally feel like I can rely on myself. And it is overwhelming and I know that this time it's for real. I love it.
I also realized something else this weekend. I've felt, for quite awhile now, very READY to talk to Corey about us and our relationship. Like I'm ready to have that conversation and all that. And this weekend I realized that I'm actually not completely ready, that I have to work a little more on myself before that conversation happens. I think what I need is just one month where I do really, really well. Where I stick to my goals and the things I need to do, where I just get even better. So hello April!
Plus that realization--that I'm not ready--didn't actually bother me. It's hard, because I want to talk it out now (this is all assuming that he wants to talk it out too), but also, I felt calm. I trust that if that conversation is supposed to happen, then it will, and whenever it happens it will be the right time. I have a good feeling that that conversation is in my future, though.
11.14.2012
I Finally Realized
This past Saturday, I was thinking about Ex-Fiance. And I had this moment where I was overwhelmed with hope. I suddenly had this strong feeling that things would happen soon. That we were going to start talking, that the conversation was going to happen, and that it wouldn't be much longer before it did. And that feeling made me happy.
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
Then on Monday, while I was taking a shower, my mind was wandering and all of a sudden that feeling just kind of disappeared, and I had another moment where I realized . . . the whole getting back together thing that I've been hoping for since May isn't going to happen.
It didn't bother me as much as you'd think. It was more like a calm realization, probably one I've needed to come to for awhile.
I just realized that . . . it's not going to happen. It can't. For a few reasons.
I guess, mostly, I just feel like we can't go back. Our life together before wasn't wonderful, what with all the bipolar crap and his horrible first year of teaching. Whatever potential it might have had is gone now. There was too much bad stuff and whatever we tried now would just be too little too late.
I really did, and do, love him. For so many reasons. And there are still a lot of things that remind me of that, and a lot of things that I miss and will continue to miss. Our relationship was broken but it was still beautiful. I firmly believe that at one point it was fixable but for whatever reason, we missed the opportunity.
But he broke my heart. I know that I wasn't perfect, and I know that I put him through a lot. But I don't think I deserved to have my heart completely crushed.
Did you know that he had a horrible first year teaching? That he had a nightmare second grader who tried to stab him and who threatened to rape one of the girls in his class? And that the administration refused to do anything to help and ultimately blamed his classroom management for the problems? And I tried as hard as I could to be there for him through that. And sometimes, I couldn't, I admit that. But holy hell I tried and tried and tried. And when the last day of school finally came I was so thrilled. I was looking forward to him having a break, to a few months where we could relax together and reconnect and fix things and just be together.
He broke up with me on the last day of school. I cannot even begin to describe what a slap in the face that was.
I felt like Flagstaff was my only viable option at that point for various reasons. And yes, there have been times when I've thrived here, but for the most part, I've been depressed. I've struggled. Life isn't particularly happy for me. I don't even have a real bed to sleep on, and as hard as I try to make the best of it, ultimately, I'm not happy.
I resent Ex-Fiance for putting me here. And more than that, I resent him for keeping my life. Even though we had issues, I was happy in Kingman. I loved playing in orchestra--an orchestra I'd been in as a teenager. I loved sharing that with him. I loved ringing handbells again, and I loved that Ex-Fiance found that impressive (I'm a bad ass at handbells, not gonna lie). I loved getting to spend time with my family, and at the Hastings there, at least I had co-workers I liked.
And Ex-Fiance kept that life. While I'm up here struggling, he's happy. He has a good job that I'm assuming is far improved this year. He has orchestra and bells (at the end of this past season the bell choir lost like 4 members including me, so I'm assuming he's ringing). He was going to join anyway and I was so excited to teach him to ring. He's friends with people that have known me for decades but don't care that I'm gone and that it's because of him. I can't even make a trip to my hometown without having an anxiety attack because now it's where he lives. Now it's where my life did a very unpleasant 180. I truly hate that.
Plus I feel like I gave all of myself to Ex-Fiance. It may be TMI but I readily admit that I lost my virginity to him (yes, when I was 25). Plus I spent holidays with him. That almost hurts more than the physical intimacy, as stupid as that sounds. Especially Christmas. I love Christmas more than just about anything in the world, and I always daydreamed about having someone I could share that with. And Ex-Fiance loved Christmas too, and last year, we had a whole house to decorate together, and I made us and our pets stockings to put up. On Christmas Eve, as we got back to his parents' house from the candlelight service at their church, he pulled me aside, told me that I was beautiful, and that he was having an amazing Christmas with me. On Christmas morning we woke up side by side and I remember thinking . . . this is what I've always wanted. And now Christmas--for this year at the very least--isn't going to feel the same. It makes me so sad. I hate beyond all comprehension the fact that he has moved on like I was nothing, but there are things for me that will never be the same because of him.
I have tried to be his friend. I have tried to give him time, and space, and to let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. But how fair is that? Why should he get to break my heart so that he can be happy? And why should I just wait for him to be ready?
All this time I have thought, if only I knew what he was really thinking. If only I knew how he really felt about me. But . . . isn't almost 6 months of silence and ignorance the answer I need? Isn't that a pretty damn good indicator of what he's really thinking and how he really feels? I have never given up hope that we'd eventually end up together but . . . maybe that decision's been made for me.
Bottom line, I don't think I can forgive him for those things. Because with all of what I just wrote in mind, I don't think it would matter how many times he apologized or told me he'd never stopped loving me or that he'd always planned on me being his future. What's done is done. I fucked up, he fucked up, and that's that.
I'm giving it until New Years Eve. If nothing's happened by then, if we haven't started talking by then, I'm throwing in the towel in favor of figuring out my life solo. I'm scared to death to say that out loud but it's time. Come 2013 if there is still nothing but silence between us, I will get all of my stuff out of his garage, give back my key to the house in Kingman, and get my own phone plan.
I'll be honest: if nothing's happened by New Years and I do actually carry out this plan, it'll be terrifying to me. Because if I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. (Which I know is way way way way beyond pathetic but it's true).
10.08.2012
Grad School Application Steps
I am about to start the application process for NAU's general English Master's program. I think I'm completely capable of being accepted--I just need to get things started and finish them on time. My goal is to start in the fall of 2013 (I'd have loved to start in the spring but by the time I decided I really wanted to go back to school I wouldn't have had time to get all the application material turned in). The deadline to have everything in is April 15, 2013, but I'd like to have everything in by the end of February. I figure the more time I have to figure out financing the better. I thought it would be nice to have a list up so I could cross things off as I finish them.
---------------
1. Find hard copies of writing samples and type them up.
2. Write personal statement.
3. Write CV(?).
4. Email former professors and ask for letters of recommendation; include personal statement, CV, and papers from their classes.
--Dr. D. Ruwe
--Dr. N. Paxton
--Dr. J. Armstrong
5. Complete and submit NAU's online application; pay $65 application fee.
6. Submit other materials to NAU/English department.
7. Research financial aid options (scholarships, grants, etc).
8. FAFSA.
---------------
Wish me luck!
---------------
1.
2. Write personal statement.
3. Write CV(?).
4. Email former professors and ask for letters of recommendation; include personal statement, CV, and papers from their classes.
--Dr. D. Ruwe
--Dr. N. Paxton
--Dr. J. Armstrong
5. Complete and submit NAU's online application; pay $65 application fee.
6. Submit other materials to NAU/English department.
7. Research financial aid options (scholarships, grants, etc).
8. FAFSA.
---------------
Wish me luck!
The Good Stuff Journal
About two years ago now, when I was really struggling mental health wise, I journaled all the time. I mean, constantly. And Ex-Fiance usually read it so he'd know what I was going through. Obviously I journaled nothing but negativity--all of the symptoms, all of the bad thoughts, etc.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
One night when we were at Barnes & Noble, I bought a little black journal. Nothing fancy, just a hard covered, wire bound journal with very narrow lines (I like narrow lines). My goal was for it to be a journal of positivity, where I could record all of the happiest moments between Ex-Fiance and me. It was meant to be a journal specifically about Ex-Fiance and me.
Well, with everything else going on in my life I never got around to it. I've always meant to and about 7 months ago, I decided that I'd write it and just go month by month, recording our relationship. And by the time the break up happened I still hadn't done it.
I still have the journal, though, and even though Ex-Fiance and I are not together anymore, I'm determined to finish it, to chronicle the happy parts of our relationship. I don't really know why, I just feel very strongly that it's something I need to do, and I've been working on it.
The thing is, even though we're not together now, and even though the relationship was probably doomed from the beginning, that doesn't mean there weren't some genuinely good, happy, beautiful times, and it doesn't mean that the connection between Ex-Fiance and I wasn't strong and real. And I don't want to lose those things. They're just as much a part of us as the bad times.
So I'll finish it. And if Ex-Fiance and I get back together, then the good times are there, written down, to be remembered for years to come. And if we don't, then maybe getting all of it down on paper and consolidating it will help me to put it behind me and move on. Win/win.
It's not easy. I mean, thanks to Twitter and Facebook and my own weirdly good memory I can remember things chronologically and know what happened when. But delving back through the good things when it's all so bad right now is disheartening. It just makes me kick myself even harder for throwing it away. It just makes me miss him even more. And it's not easy to go back and see how many negative Facebook statuses there are too, mixed in with the good; it's heartbreaking to see this hard, clear evidence that I was not a good partner and that I was in no shape to be in a relationship.
Still. Parts of the past should be celebrated, and my journal, even if it's totally pathetic, will be my way of doing that.
10.03.2012
Puzzle Pieces
I think one of the issues with my relationship with Corey was that in a way, he was the catalyst for my seeking help for my mental health problems. Even though I'd known for quite awhile before we met that I needed to get help, it wasn't until we were together and he was encouraging me that I actually did it.
And I admit that he was a big part of the reason. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like there was something worth living for, because he was worth living for. Not that he was the only thing but he was the big one, if that makes sense. There was just something about how much he said he loved me that made me feel like living was a good thing instead of a bad thing. Like my life actually meant something to someone. I know I meant something to my family too but they were far away and busy, and I know I meant something to Jerbs, but she and I had our own set of issues back then.
Now, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with one particular person in your life finally making you want to fix yourself. But I think my disorders made it hard for me to focus on anyone other than Corey, even in the context of getting better--and that's not healthy, to hang all of your hopes on one person. And I knew that then and I never really intended things to go that way. I envisioned it as, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to seek treatment and get help, girl gets better and she and boy fall even more in love now that she's healthy and able to be a good partner, happily ever after. And instead it went something like, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to get help, girl gets help but is terrified that changing at all will make boy leave her, gets too caught up in being in love with boy to focus on her own issues, things fall completely apart.
I think a lot of it had to do with identity. I thought, Corey met me and feel for me when I was still sick, and maybe he won't love me if I'm well (stupid, I know, but these disorders are not know for being rational). And I didn't know who I was when I met him, and since I didn't know who I was alone, I could never figure out who I was in the relationship. I guess the lesson is that it's dangerous to lose yourself in someone if you're not grounded in yourself first.
There's nothing wrong with being lost in someone as long as you know the way back to you. I didn't.
Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, getting my life together. School, work, car, money, treatment, they're all pieces. And I think that Corey--or just love in general, be it with him or someone else--is still absolutely a piece of that puzzle. It's just going to have to be the last piece, not the first piece.
And I admit that he was a big part of the reason. He made me want to get better. He made me feel like there was something worth living for, because he was worth living for. Not that he was the only thing but he was the big one, if that makes sense. There was just something about how much he said he loved me that made me feel like living was a good thing instead of a bad thing. Like my life actually meant something to someone. I know I meant something to my family too but they were far away and busy, and I know I meant something to Jerbs, but she and I had our own set of issues back then.
Now, I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with one particular person in your life finally making you want to fix yourself. But I think my disorders made it hard for me to focus on anyone other than Corey, even in the context of getting better--and that's not healthy, to hang all of your hopes on one person. And I knew that then and I never really intended things to go that way. I envisioned it as, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to seek treatment and get help, girl gets better and she and boy fall even more in love now that she's healthy and able to be a good partner, happily ever after. And instead it went something like, girl meets boy and falls in love, boy inspires girl to get help, girl gets help but is terrified that changing at all will make boy leave her, gets too caught up in being in love with boy to focus on her own issues, things fall completely apart.
I think a lot of it had to do with identity. I thought, Corey met me and feel for me when I was still sick, and maybe he won't love me if I'm well (stupid, I know, but these disorders are not know for being rational). And I didn't know who I was when I met him, and since I didn't know who I was alone, I could never figure out who I was in the relationship. I guess the lesson is that it's dangerous to lose yourself in someone if you're not grounded in yourself first.
There's nothing wrong with being lost in someone as long as you know the way back to you. I didn't.
Ultimately, I feel like I'm putting together a puzzle, getting my life together. School, work, car, money, treatment, they're all pieces. And I think that Corey--or just love in general, be it with him or someone else--is still absolutely a piece of that puzzle. It's just going to have to be the last piece, not the first piece.
10.01.2012
Staying On Track
This is how I'm keeping myself on track from month to month. And yes, it makes me feel a little like a 10 year old, but whatever works, right?
I made myself this little packet. The first page is an October calendar so I can keep track of stuff (cuz y'know, I have a really busy social life and all . . . ). Pages 2 and 3 are my mood chart, where I keep track of taking my medicine, how my moods are every day, how I sleep, whether or not I eat fast food or go to the gym, and my weight. Mood charting is a big thing in bipolar patients and something that my psychiatrist has encouraged me to do since I first started seeing him. It does help. The last page is a list of goals I set for myself for October. The goal list is a new thing but I think it'll be helpful. Plus I like playing with Sharpies so I had fun writing it.
I also have a little notebook where I make weekly TO DO lists, because I'm weird like that.
I made myself this little packet. The first page is an October calendar so I can keep track of stuff (cuz y'know, I have a really busy social life and all . . . ). Pages 2 and 3 are my mood chart, where I keep track of taking my medicine, how my moods are every day, how I sleep, whether or not I eat fast food or go to the gym, and my weight. Mood charting is a big thing in bipolar patients and something that my psychiatrist has encouraged me to do since I first started seeing him. It does help. The last page is a list of goals I set for myself for October. The goal list is a new thing but I think it'll be helpful. Plus I like playing with Sharpies so I had fun writing it.
I also have a little notebook where I make weekly TO DO lists, because I'm weird like that.
9.08.2012
Weird Thoughts and Stuff
Five years ago today I was moving into the studio apartment on Blackbird Roost and preparing to live by myself for the first time. I miss that apartment.
Two years ago tomorrow Ex-Fiance and I spent the night together for the first time. I just remember that it was Sept. 9th that he first slept over at my apartment--mostly because he was too exhausted to safely drive back to his place. (I don't do well sharing a bed or sleeping in strange places so up until then we hadn't spent the night in the same place).
Weird anniversaries to remember. But I do.
I did OK today. I ate fast food (Five Guys Burgers and Fries right across the street from Hastings is a bad bad bad idea) but I also went shopping for healthy groceries so tomorrow should be better. I had a little bit of a breakdown on the bus. I don't really know where it came from but all I could think was, my life is nothing, and I am nothing, and I'm a loser, and I should just kill myself now. I thought, Ex-Fiance doesn't love me anymore, and he's right for not loving me anymore, and I'm a burden to Jerbs just like I always have been, and there's no way out. I just felt . . . so defeated.
I try very, very hard to stay positive. I really do. But there are days when everything just seems overwhelming and it actually feels hard to breathe--like the weight of all the things I'm dealing with and going through is actually suffocating me. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning it.
But I snapped out of it eventually. I snapped out of it enough that I was able to go work out for a half an hour! Go me!! This is good for two reasons: one, the fact that I recovered from a breakdown to the point that I could go do a physically challenging activity, and two, the fact that I worked out at all.
This week I'm going to call the counselor I want to start seeing and find out about her prices and policies and all that. I can't wait anymore to start this, because it's a crucial step to getting better, and just because I don't have a full time job doesn't mean I should put it off. I have people who are willing to help me so it's time to get on it.
Two years ago tomorrow Ex-Fiance and I spent the night together for the first time. I just remember that it was Sept. 9th that he first slept over at my apartment--mostly because he was too exhausted to safely drive back to his place. (I don't do well sharing a bed or sleeping in strange places so up until then we hadn't spent the night in the same place).
Weird anniversaries to remember. But I do.
I did OK today. I ate fast food (Five Guys Burgers and Fries right across the street from Hastings is a bad bad bad idea) but I also went shopping for healthy groceries so tomorrow should be better. I had a little bit of a breakdown on the bus. I don't really know where it came from but all I could think was, my life is nothing, and I am nothing, and I'm a loser, and I should just kill myself now. I thought, Ex-Fiance doesn't love me anymore, and he's right for not loving me anymore, and I'm a burden to Jerbs just like I always have been, and there's no way out. I just felt . . . so defeated.
I try very, very hard to stay positive. I really do. But there are days when everything just seems overwhelming and it actually feels hard to breathe--like the weight of all the things I'm dealing with and going through is actually suffocating me. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning it.
But I snapped out of it eventually. I snapped out of it enough that I was able to go work out for a half an hour! Go me!! This is good for two reasons: one, the fact that I recovered from a breakdown to the point that I could go do a physically challenging activity, and two, the fact that I worked out at all.
This week I'm going to call the counselor I want to start seeing and find out about her prices and policies and all that. I can't wait anymore to start this, because it's a crucial step to getting better, and just because I don't have a full time job doesn't mean I should put it off. I have people who are willing to help me so it's time to get on it.
9.03.2012
A New Month
It's September!
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
I like September. Mostly because it means that summer's basically done and the weather's going to start cooling down. I absolutely hate summers in AZ, because I can't stand the high heat. It just makes everything worse in my opinion. (Not that there aren't some summer specific activities I enjoy, but . . . well, I still hate the heat, and I didn't get to do any of the summer stuff I like this year because . . . oh yeah, I was dealing with having my heart stomped on instead . . . I like summer even less now).
But like I was saying. It's September now and it's a new month, so I thought, why not set some goals for myself?
This month, the big thing I want to focus on is food and fitness. Namely, I really, REALLY need to stop eating fast food and drinking so much soda. I eat a ridiculous amount of fast food and I drink a ridiculous amount of Dr. Pepper, and I need to get it under control. Like, it's almost embarrassing how much of those things I consume. So while I don't think I'll be able to completely cut either soda or fast food out of my diet this month, I at least want to significantly cut back on them. Even that small start will be big for me.
I also need to get back to working out. I don't know exactly what to do where that's concerned. I have access to Anytime Fitness until the 28th (I canceled my membership at the end of July, but per their contract, they take one more payment), but AF is a pain in the ass to get to on the bus and they don't have any of the equipment I like to use. There's a workout room down the street at an apartment complex that's a "sister" complex to where I live, but as far as I know it doesn't have equipment I like either. Then again, last I heard it was being renovated/updated, so who knows? I just need to get up the energy to walk down there one night. I could also just keep trying with the jogging but . . . blech.
I am also determined to start therapy this month. I've mentioned before that I found the counselor I want to use and I need to call her office and find out about pricing and see what I can do.
The good news is that Hastings is actually giving me some decent hours all of a sudden (I got 15 the week before last, 19 this past week, and I'll work 24.5 this week) so my paychecks should get a bit bigger. I'm still looking for a full time job but I'm not going to be as broke as I have been, so that's nice. (Although when I work today I'll get my schedule for next week, and just watch, now that I've talked about how it's getting better I'll have like 6 hours next week or something).
8.29.2012
Focus: Here and Now
I need to focus on the here and the now.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
I need to stop daydreaming about the future and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
Right now I need to focus on:
--finding a full time job
--buying a car
--starting therapy
--starting to save money for my future
--grad school decisions
--a couple of upcoming writing contests
--my writing in general
--my physical health
I need to focus on what I can do (or try to do) right now, in the present. The life I imagine is never going to happen if all I keep doing is daydreaming about it.
8.03.2012
Why I Keep Trying
One thing that's kind of been an issue for a long time is WHY I want to get better.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
I think one of the big reasons Corey and I broke up is because he thought I had only ever started treatment and gotten better for him. And even though that wasn't necessarily true, I don't think I was ever healthy enough to be in a relationship, because I was never comfortable being me, and I focused on him and tied my identity to our relationship.
Very not healthy. And one of the reasons the break up has been so intensely difficult for me.
I'm not getting better for Corey. I won't lie, in the beginning that was a big part of it. I told Corey once things started to get serious between us that I didn't want to get married until I was 100% mentally healthy and under control because I didn't want to sacrifice a second of our marriage to this bullshit. And I will never forget this one night, when we'd been together a couple months at the most--we were talking about the bullshit and how difficult it was on me, and Corey looked me straight in the eye and told me I needed to get on the getting better stuff, because he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later.
I was shocked but in a very good way. And in that moment, I had a goal, and a reason to get better.
It wasn't necessarily Corey, or at least not just him. Obviously I loved him and I couldn't (and still can't) imagine marrying anyone but him. It was the promise of this life that was better than the one I had then--the promise of a life that was both mentally healthy and spent with a husband.
I wasn't a girl who spent her whole life planning her wedding. In fact, I used to daydream about living alone and being on my own, and that was what I wanted. I never thought I wanted to be a wife or partner, and I actually used to really hate the idea of marriage and true love and all that BS.
Corey made me realize how much I wanted that. I wanted to be in love and I wanted to be with someone who I really thought was my soul mate. And I wanted a wedding and a husband and I wanted to be a wife.
And THAT is why I'm getting better, because I want to be a person who is capable of living that life. Whether it's Corey or not, that's the life I want.
And not in a I-only-want-to-be-a-wife-and-nothing-else way. I still also want to write and possibly pursue a higher degree and I will.
Still. I guess the point is that Corey's always going to be tied to me getting better because it was him that was the catalyst. Even if he doesn't get to enjoy the results, the man I do end up with will. And I guess I'll always be grateful to Corey for that.
7.29.2012
The First Step
I'm starting to get a little frustrated. When I decided to move back to Flagstaff, I was pretty upbeat about it. I mean, I'm still heartbroken over the whole situation, but I thought, this'll be my chance to really get myself together. To really improve myself so that I can live my life with or without Corey. And I feel so READY to do all that, I feel so READY to finally get better once and for all.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
And I'm trying to stay optimistic but so far it's not going as planned. I'm anxious to really get started and I need the first domino to fall.
The first step is to get a well paying full time job. I've been looking every day, mostly at doctors' offices, because I've got experience as a receptionist and those jobs usually pay well. I'm really really really hoping that The Guidance Center calls me back for a job I applied for.
Once I get a full time job, I feel like everything else will sort of start to fall into place. It'll likely be a M--F 9 to 5 so I'll be on a regular schedule, which means I'll be able to fix my sleep schedule. And a regular schedule and sleep schedule are really important in treating bipolar and borderline.
Plus I'll have money and I'll be able to buy a car. This is a big one for me because I desperately want a car; I spend a lot of time researching and thinking about it. A car would just make everything so much more convenient. No more taking the bus and being sore and exhausted all the time, no more having to schedule everything around when the buses are ready (for me or for Jenny, and being able to help her would make me happy too). And besides that, I think having my own car and that sense of independence would help with the identity element of the BPD. I never realized how important having my own car was to my sense of identity until my car was totaled in October of '10. It just made me feel like less than myself somehow. And sharing Corey's car was ok, but I didn't like it, and I think that if I'd had my own car when we moved in together things might have gone a little bit better.
If I had a car I'd be able to go to the gym, because the big reason I don't go is that I hate walking and walking and walking and then working out and walking and walking and walking . . . it sucks. And going to the gym would motivate me to eat better, and I could finally start losing weight, which would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Having money would allow me to start therapy. This is the BIG thing I need to do, because BPD responds to therapy, not medication. So while the Lithium helps with it a little, in order to really get better I need to see a therapist. That's the big thing I never did when I should have, and I want to do it now because I want to get better.
So I'm praying and praying and praying that something comes through for me. In the meantime I'm doing everything I can on my own, which isn't much.
I just want to start getting my life back together so I can have my life back.
7.16.2012
Two Weeks
So it's now been two weeks since I've been in Flagstaff.
To be completely honest, I'm amazed at how well I'm doing. I really did think I'd get up here and it would be break down after break down after break down . . . I thought it would be a total regression back to where I was before I'd even started treatment and all that. But here I am, doing mostly fine.
I'm still sad. My heart is still broken over what happened with Ex-Fiance and me. I've had a few anxiety attacks over it since I've been here, and there have been a few nights that I've cried myself to sleep. But for the most part I've been good.
I still miss Ex-Fiance. He's on my mind every day and I still hope that we end up together, I really do. But at the same time, I'm starting to feel glad to have this time for myself. I've been mood charting and taking my medicine and thinking a lot about my life. Some of it's scary but . . . it's nice at the same time. Ultimately I think this is doing us both some good, and I am trying just to be patient. To give us as long as we need.
Some things suck about being here. I hate taking the bus with a passion! I don't mind the actual walking or bus taking part, it's the amount of time it takes. For example, tomorrow I have to go to the store for a few things and I know I'm not going to get anything else done. Suuuuuuuuuucks.
Also shitty is that Hastings STILL hasn't called me about my transfer. I have to call them tomorrow and hopefully I still have a job. This is starting to worry me. But in the meantime I've applied for a few full time jobs at other places and hopefully I'll get one of them. Because really, even if I'm still employed at Hastings, I need to look for something else anyway, because I NEED full time. Or at least closer to full time than 15 hours a week.
But there are good things. I woke up to a raging thunderstorm this morning and that was pretty excellent. (The only thing that would have made it better was a cuddle buddy!) The summer weather here is awesome. And I feel like I can write here, so I've been working on that. I think I've said it before, that even though I don't want to be in Flagstaff forever, I want to be somewhere similar. And more than anything I want to be happy with Ex-Fiance in a place like this. But that's probably for another post.
One big thing that's happened to me since I've been here is that I have . . . I don't know quite how to say it. But basically I have found my faith. I have found God. I'll probably elaborate on it at some point in the future but for now I'll just say that I definitely am putting my faith in a higher power. And it feels amazing.
Anyway. I still need to work on my physical and mental health goals more. Physical health, I need to get back into working out somehow, and I need to eat better (there were just so many restaurants I missed!) Mental health I've been doing well with, I just need to get my labs done. That's going to be a bit of a challenge. Actually it'll probably be pretty easy I just HATE making phone calls and getting that set up will require several so. Yeah. And I need to find a counselor but that has to wait until I figure out my employment situation.
I did get to see Ex-Fiance today, when he was on his way back to Kingman from Chinle. It was nice but it was also . . . I don't know. Weird, I guess. I'll elaborate on that more later.
For now, good night! I think it's going to rain through the night which means good sleep for me!!
7.06.2012
Self Improvement Update 1
Since one of the reasons I started this blog was to keep track of my progress on getting better and my self improvement goals, I figured I should actually maybe write about that. Granted, I haven't even been in Flagstaff for a full week, but still.
Let's see. I've been doing really well taking my medicine; I've only missed one Lithium dose (one dose is half of my daily intake, because I can only take 600mg at a time) since I've been here and it was because I forgot to take my medicine with me when we went out. (That's the thing about having to take the bus--because of when things run and all that going out becomes an all day event, even if you're only doing one or two things). And given everything that's been going on I've been pretty damn happy and upbeat, which I was not expecting. I've had a few moments of just being really really sad but I've done a lot better than I thought. I've also been functioning better than I thought--I actually can sleep here (I usually don't sleep well in new/strange places). I've also applied for one full time job and am in the process of applying for another. They both pay really well and I'm excited! The one I really want is the one I'm working on the application for. It's at The Guidance Center, which is basically a center for behavioral health, and I'd love to work there and help people who are going through the same crap I've been through. I know first hand how hard it is to get help.
As for the bad. Jerbs and I have been eating out a lot since I've been here and we need to stop. I also haven't gone to work out at all since I've been here, mostly because there's not a bus stop right by Anytime Fitness, so I'm going to have to walk (uphill) to get to the gym and then work out, and that doesn't sound appealing. But I need to get back on it because I feel icky.
So that's it. Jerbs' cats punctured my airbed last night. Assholes.
Let's see. I've been doing really well taking my medicine; I've only missed one Lithium dose (one dose is half of my daily intake, because I can only take 600mg at a time) since I've been here and it was because I forgot to take my medicine with me when we went out. (That's the thing about having to take the bus--because of when things run and all that going out becomes an all day event, even if you're only doing one or two things). And given everything that's been going on I've been pretty damn happy and upbeat, which I was not expecting. I've had a few moments of just being really really sad but I've done a lot better than I thought. I've also been functioning better than I thought--I actually can sleep here (I usually don't sleep well in new/strange places). I've also applied for one full time job and am in the process of applying for another. They both pay really well and I'm excited! The one I really want is the one I'm working on the application for. It's at The Guidance Center, which is basically a center for behavioral health, and I'd love to work there and help people who are going through the same crap I've been through. I know first hand how hard it is to get help.
As for the bad. Jerbs and I have been eating out a lot since I've been here and we need to stop. I also haven't gone to work out at all since I've been here, mostly because there's not a bus stop right by Anytime Fitness, so I'm going to have to walk (uphill) to get to the gym and then work out, and that doesn't sound appealing. But I need to get back on it because I feel icky.
So that's it. Jerbs' cats punctured my airbed last night. Assholes.
6.28.2012
Confession: Glee
I have to confess that since Saturday, I've been watching Glee on Netflix. I swore up and down that I'd never watch it and I really thought I'd hate it, but . . . I actually kind of love it.
On the episode I watched tonight they did a song that's originally by Sammy Davis Jr. that I'd never heard before, and one of the lyrics was: "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me."
It kinda hit home because it kinda fits my current situation. I can't be right for Corey--or anyone--until I'm right for me. Which in my case means getting a strong, sincere handle on my bipolar disorder, to the point that I can function as just a normal human being.
I hope I can get there.
On the episode I watched tonight they did a song that's originally by Sammy Davis Jr. that I'd never heard before, and one of the lyrics was: "I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me."
It kinda hit home because it kinda fits my current situation. I can't be right for Corey--or anyone--until I'm right for me. Which in my case means getting a strong, sincere handle on my bipolar disorder, to the point that I can function as just a normal human being.
I hope I can get there.
6.25.2012
Getting Close
I realized earlier that after today (which is now over) I only have 2 days off left in Kingman. Two days left to hang out with Austin, spend time with my family, say goodbye to this life. (I know that last part was a bit overdramatic but I really do feel like I'm leaving one life for another at this point). It just kind of shocked me because I don't feel even remotely ready to leave. At all.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
I've said and thought over and over and over that this is necessary and it won't be so bad and blah blah blah but the reality is, I don't want to leave and I am absolutely dreading it.
I know that everything I'm leaving will still be here when I come back. My family's not going anywhere and it's not like I'll never come back, and I'll be less than 200 miles away. But it's still difficult because I've adjusted to this life, I guess--and I like it. I especially like having a relationship with my nephew, because he's still little, and when I lived in Flagstaff I'd come visit and he wouldn't know who I was. I always wanted to be close to him and now we do have a great relationship and I don't want to lose that. And it's sad to think that he'll miss me and not really understand why I'm not here anymore. I really do hope that Corey will maintain a relationship with him.
I have 3 biggest fears. One, that I won't be able to adjust to living at Jerbs' place. I don't do well in strange places (by which I mean places that aren't my home), and I'm worried that I won't be able to function there, that I won't be able to sleep or eat or shower there. Two, that Corey isn't planning on keeping in touch with me. Honestly right now I don't know where I stand with him. We're definitely not really together, but we're not really separated either. So I don't know what's going to happen. Is he going to call me right away? Or will he hardly notice that I'm not around anymore? I suppose we'll just play it by ear but I really don't want to go like a week without talking to him at all and then call him because I'm going insane not talking to him and I can't stand it anymore. (Because if that happened all I'd hear when I called him was confirmation that we're totally done). And three, I'm afraid of Corey moving on, of him finding someone else. I know that's not going to happen--he has reassured me himself that that's not going to happen--but still, I worry. Out of sight . . . out of mind.
I know that right now I need to take it one day at a time. There's no point in worrying too much about too far into the future. Right now I need to focus on myself and getting better and grad school and my writing and all the other things I'm planning to do.
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