There are a lot of blog entries I've been kicking around and planning in my head lately, and then I never get around to writing them. So here are the title and condensed versions, just for the sake of record keeping.
Benji
I don't know if I ever mentioned it but I did get Benji's ashes back, and they're sitting on one of my bookcases next to a framed photo of him. It's his little memorial corner. I miss him so much but it's getting easier. I know he's always with me, anyway, and it's comforting.
Max
March 16th was Max's Adoptionversary or Gotcha Day or whatever you want to call it. He's been my dog for a whole year now. I was going to write a full entry about it but I just don't feel up to it. Max has definitely had his pain in the ass moments since I adopted him but I definitely love him. He's a good little dog and he's made tremendous progress in the past year. He's much healthier and happier than he used to be, and I'm glad to have helped him to that point.
Work
Work was insane last week. Two people on vacation, my boss in transit from AZ to FL for most of the week, and some less than fantastic experiences with a couple of co-workers made for an unpleasant 36 hours. Last month (just after Benji died) I was asked to take over DME prior auth. for the sleep department, and it has kept me insanely busy. I love it. Before last week I was just at the edge of being overwhelmed with work, and that's generally when the point where I function best. Last week I was genuinely overwhelmed and I'm looking forward to my normal workload this coming week.
Fitness/Diet
I've been doing better in this area lately. I did cancel my gym membership, because I'm just not using it, and there's really no point in paying the $40 a month for it. I'm still working out at home and that's actually going pretty well. I just need to be more consistent instead of hit and miss.
Literally The Bitchiest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me
This actually happened almost 2 months ago and I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it . . . but I think it deserves a mention. It was one of my late stay days in February (for my super fun special mail project) and for whatever reason, I got to chatting with a co-worker. She said something about my honey missing me since I was staying late, and I laughed and said I was single. And then I joked about how I'm hopelessly single, and she said that she was too. But I know for a fact that she has a live in boyfriend so why she said that was beyond me. I said, "No you're not." And then she laughed, with this little condescending chuckle, and said, "You're right. I'm not." I was literally speechless and more or less just walked away after that. Seriously, so bitchy. So incredibly unnecessarily bitchy. And really kind of disrespectful . . . if my longtime live in S.O. randomly told people he or she was single I'd be livid. I just don't get it. This particular co-worker also once invited me to a Zumba class when she saw me eating a brownie at work last Halloween, so she definitely has a track record for this kind of stuff, but still.
Dancing With the Stars
DWTS started last Monday. I'm super excited for this season. Plus both my mom and my sister are watching too and that makes it more fun. They both mentioned something during the premiere about it being unfair that two of the contestants are gold medal winning ice dancers and kind of have an advantage . . . to which I pointed out that Derek Hough has literally won the contest with a professional dancer. Seriously. Definitely a facepalm moment.
Hollie
Is the newest member of my little family, and I will write more about her later.
Showing posts with label Benji. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Benji. Show all posts
3.23.2014
3.01.2014
Good Bye Benji
It's been almost a week since Benji died but I'm still having trouble really believing it. I keep expecting to walk into the kitchen and see him all curled up asleep in his bed and it sucks every time I go in there.
I had a feeling it was coming, but still. I wasn't really prepared.
This past Monday (2.24.14) I woke up feeling awful. My period had started the day before and the cramps were horrible. Like really bad medicine wasn't helping at all kinda horrible. I thought about calling in but told myself to suck it up and go to work. Which I did. On the way there I was going back and forth about maybe asking to leave early, etc. I got to work and made it clear that I wasn't feeling well. I posted my payments, suffered through a billing meeting, and then decided that maybe I could stick it out and make it through the day. But I had this nagging feeling that I needed to leave, that I needed to go home, that I just couldn't shake, so around 11 AM, I left.
When I got home Benji was laying on his side by the door, yelping for help because he couldn't get up. I stood him up and he fell over again onto the same side. It was heart breaking. So I put him in his bed and made sure his heater was on and he went to sleep. But every so often he'd kind of whimper.
I went to lay down (since I was still not feeling well) and decided to take Benji with me. He's not generally a very cuddly dog (never really was) but I just felt like it was necessary. I took him in my bed with me and we cuddled for a while--probably about an hour, maybe a little less, and then he started to squirm instead of sleep (like I said, he could really only take so much cuddling) so I put him back in his bed. I kissed him and told him I loved him and told him that if he needed to go, to go. In retrospect I'm so thankful that I came home from work and that I got that little bit of time to just snuggle him. I believe it was divine intervention that I came home when I did.
I slept for a few hours, woke up, checked on Benji, and he was breathing. A little while later I checked on him again and then went to get food. I took Max with me, as always, and I was gone . . . I don't know, 20 minutes? Maybe a little longer? When I got home, as soon as I left Max off his leash he ran over to Benji's bed--something he's never done before--and my heart just sank. When I got to the kitchen Max was resting his head on Benji's feet. And sure enough, my little Benji wasn't breathing.
It was just gut wrenching to see him like that. At the same time, I felt so relieved. I was relieved to know for sure that he wasn't suffering anymore, and relieved that he had passed away at home, in a familiar place, peacefully and without me having to decide to end his life. And at first I was really pissed off at myself that I wasn't home and with him when it actually happened, but then it occurred to me that that was probably for the best. Benji was very, very attached to me, and Jerbs and I agree that he probably would have held on if I'd been home.
I cried. I went to Michael's and bought a pretty little trunk to put his things in (because I'm not going to throw out his collars or sweaters), and then to JoAnn's and bought some really soft paw print fleece to wrap him in. I texted my boss and told her that I still wasn't feeling well and that my dog had died so I wouldn't be in on Tuesday; fortunately she's an animal lover herself and understood. I picked Jerbs up from work and when we got home I gave Benji a bath and groomed him. It was one of the absolute least pleasant experiences of my whole entire life but it had to be done. I mentioned before that with Benji's health deteriorating he absolutely wouldn't let me groom him so he wasn't looking so great.
On Tuesday I called the pet crematory here in Flagstaff and made arrangements to bring him in. Before we left the house I held him and cried and told him how much I missed him already. Taking him to be cremated was so difficult. It was hard to just leave him with someone else, y'know? But I feel really good about that decision and I know it was the best option. And the man who runs the crematory was very kind and caring and very clearly an animal lover himself so I feel like Benji was most definitely in good hands. I was supposed to get his ashes back yesterday (Friday) but I never got a call from them, and they didn't call me today either. I'm trying not to flip out about it and plan on calling them tomorrow to see what's going on. I think I'll feel better, though, once I have his ashes and he's with me again, if that makes sense.
Obviously I'm still devastated. I've cried every single day, and coming home from work just isn't the same without him here. I haven't been sleeping well either. I just hope that Benji knows how much I loved him and I hope that I did enough for him. I hope he died feeling loved and cared for.
It feels different than I expected it to. I always knew I'd break down when I lost Benji. That little dog saved my life as much as I saved his so grief was a given. But I'm not as panicky as I expected. I tend to think of "lasts" when things change drastically. I thought I'd obsess over, say, the last time I kissed him good night, or the last time I fed him, or the last time he begged me for food, and so on. And I thought I'd be sad about all the things he won't be around for. But--and I think this is a result of how much my faith has grown in the past few years--it doesn't really feel like an end to me. Yes, Benji is physically gone. But he's with me now, always, in spirit. I firmly believe that he is in heaven, happy and healthy and getting to be lazy on a big comfy couch, and that he is watching over me. I believe that I gained a guardian angel. I believe that someday, when I die, Benji will be waiting for me when I get to the other side, and that we'll be together, always. And even though I'm in no hurry to go, I look forward to someday seeing him again. And I take immense, immense comfort knowing that I will never really go a single day without him, because he is always with me. He'll know all the things that happen in my life; he won't miss anything, good or bad, that I experience now.
I'm sure that some people reading this might think I'm totally nuts for feeling this way about a dog. And I'm 100% OK with that. Benji was more important to me than anyone could possibly understand, and all that matters to me is that I can grieve and remember him properly. I refuse to be ashamed of how sad I am over this. The truth is that Benji was probably the closest thing I'll ever have to a child and I liked him better than most people, and that life just doesn't feel the same without him.
Honestly, I would re-live any other painful moment in my life a hundred times over if I could have Benji back.
The other day I found myself thinking about the terrible people who had him before I did, who starved him and beat him and thought he was absolutely worthless. They were so incredibly wrong. Benji most definitely had a purpose on this earth and his path was absolutely meant to cross mine. I wonder what they would think now, if they knew what an incredible impact that little dog ended up having on someone's life, if they knew how very important he actually was. I'm sure they never would have imagined such a fate for him.
So now I'm just trying to figure out how to move on. This week I'm going to stain his little trunk and get some pictures printed for my office and (hopefully) get his ashes back. I'm also going to, at some point, get a memorial tattoo for him. I feel like all those things are going to be part of my grieving process and are very necessary for me to be able to function.
At any rate, I am beyond grateful that Benji was a part of my life. He was so incredibly special to me, and so very very loved.
I had a feeling it was coming, but still. I wasn't really prepared.
This past Monday (2.24.14) I woke up feeling awful. My period had started the day before and the cramps were horrible. Like really bad medicine wasn't helping at all kinda horrible. I thought about calling in but told myself to suck it up and go to work. Which I did. On the way there I was going back and forth about maybe asking to leave early, etc. I got to work and made it clear that I wasn't feeling well. I posted my payments, suffered through a billing meeting, and then decided that maybe I could stick it out and make it through the day. But I had this nagging feeling that I needed to leave, that I needed to go home, that I just couldn't shake, so around 11 AM, I left.
When I got home Benji was laying on his side by the door, yelping for help because he couldn't get up. I stood him up and he fell over again onto the same side. It was heart breaking. So I put him in his bed and made sure his heater was on and he went to sleep. But every so often he'd kind of whimper.
I went to lay down (since I was still not feeling well) and decided to take Benji with me. He's not generally a very cuddly dog (never really was) but I just felt like it was necessary. I took him in my bed with me and we cuddled for a while--probably about an hour, maybe a little less, and then he started to squirm instead of sleep (like I said, he could really only take so much cuddling) so I put him back in his bed. I kissed him and told him I loved him and told him that if he needed to go, to go. In retrospect I'm so thankful that I came home from work and that I got that little bit of time to just snuggle him. I believe it was divine intervention that I came home when I did.
I slept for a few hours, woke up, checked on Benji, and he was breathing. A little while later I checked on him again and then went to get food. I took Max with me, as always, and I was gone . . . I don't know, 20 minutes? Maybe a little longer? When I got home, as soon as I left Max off his leash he ran over to Benji's bed--something he's never done before--and my heart just sank. When I got to the kitchen Max was resting his head on Benji's feet. And sure enough, my little Benji wasn't breathing.
It was just gut wrenching to see him like that. At the same time, I felt so relieved. I was relieved to know for sure that he wasn't suffering anymore, and relieved that he had passed away at home, in a familiar place, peacefully and without me having to decide to end his life. And at first I was really pissed off at myself that I wasn't home and with him when it actually happened, but then it occurred to me that that was probably for the best. Benji was very, very attached to me, and Jerbs and I agree that he probably would have held on if I'd been home.
I cried. I went to Michael's and bought a pretty little trunk to put his things in (because I'm not going to throw out his collars or sweaters), and then to JoAnn's and bought some really soft paw print fleece to wrap him in. I texted my boss and told her that I still wasn't feeling well and that my dog had died so I wouldn't be in on Tuesday; fortunately she's an animal lover herself and understood. I picked Jerbs up from work and when we got home I gave Benji a bath and groomed him. It was one of the absolute least pleasant experiences of my whole entire life but it had to be done. I mentioned before that with Benji's health deteriorating he absolutely wouldn't let me groom him so he wasn't looking so great.
On Tuesday I called the pet crematory here in Flagstaff and made arrangements to bring him in. Before we left the house I held him and cried and told him how much I missed him already. Taking him to be cremated was so difficult. It was hard to just leave him with someone else, y'know? But I feel really good about that decision and I know it was the best option. And the man who runs the crematory was very kind and caring and very clearly an animal lover himself so I feel like Benji was most definitely in good hands. I was supposed to get his ashes back yesterday (Friday) but I never got a call from them, and they didn't call me today either. I'm trying not to flip out about it and plan on calling them tomorrow to see what's going on. I think I'll feel better, though, once I have his ashes and he's with me again, if that makes sense.
Obviously I'm still devastated. I've cried every single day, and coming home from work just isn't the same without him here. I haven't been sleeping well either. I just hope that Benji knows how much I loved him and I hope that I did enough for him. I hope he died feeling loved and cared for.
It feels different than I expected it to. I always knew I'd break down when I lost Benji. That little dog saved my life as much as I saved his so grief was a given. But I'm not as panicky as I expected. I tend to think of "lasts" when things change drastically. I thought I'd obsess over, say, the last time I kissed him good night, or the last time I fed him, or the last time he begged me for food, and so on. And I thought I'd be sad about all the things he won't be around for. But--and I think this is a result of how much my faith has grown in the past few years--it doesn't really feel like an end to me. Yes, Benji is physically gone. But he's with me now, always, in spirit. I firmly believe that he is in heaven, happy and healthy and getting to be lazy on a big comfy couch, and that he is watching over me. I believe that I gained a guardian angel. I believe that someday, when I die, Benji will be waiting for me when I get to the other side, and that we'll be together, always. And even though I'm in no hurry to go, I look forward to someday seeing him again. And I take immense, immense comfort knowing that I will never really go a single day without him, because he is always with me. He'll know all the things that happen in my life; he won't miss anything, good or bad, that I experience now.
I'm sure that some people reading this might think I'm totally nuts for feeling this way about a dog. And I'm 100% OK with that. Benji was more important to me than anyone could possibly understand, and all that matters to me is that I can grieve and remember him properly. I refuse to be ashamed of how sad I am over this. The truth is that Benji was probably the closest thing I'll ever have to a child and I liked him better than most people, and that life just doesn't feel the same without him.
Honestly, I would re-live any other painful moment in my life a hundred times over if I could have Benji back.
The other day I found myself thinking about the terrible people who had him before I did, who starved him and beat him and thought he was absolutely worthless. They were so incredibly wrong. Benji most definitely had a purpose on this earth and his path was absolutely meant to cross mine. I wonder what they would think now, if they knew what an incredible impact that little dog ended up having on someone's life, if they knew how very important he actually was. I'm sure they never would have imagined such a fate for him.
So now I'm just trying to figure out how to move on. This week I'm going to stain his little trunk and get some pictures printed for my office and (hopefully) get his ashes back. I'm also going to, at some point, get a memorial tattoo for him. I feel like all those things are going to be part of my grieving process and are very necessary for me to be able to function.
At any rate, I am beyond grateful that Benji was a part of my life. He was so incredibly special to me, and so very very loved.
2.24.2014
2.23.2014
My Benji
I'm sad to say that Benji's health seems to have deteriorated the past week or so. He seemed to be doing really well for a while--eating more than usual and being more mobile than usual--but recently he barely seems interested in food and spends most of his time asleep. I'm sure some of it's just that he's cold (lately he's been whimpering to let us know that the space heater by his bed needs to be turned on) but I'm still freaking out at the prospect of losing him.
I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know he's an old dog and his health has never been fantastic (and may his former owners rot in hell for that), and obviously I know he won't live forever. But still, I am anxious and shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up because I'm just lost. I've hoped and prayed for a long time that when the time came, he would go on his own. I absolutely do not want to make the decision to end his life; I feel like the only life I have the right to make that decision about is my own and it's just not in me to do it for my dog. And I know I would always wonder if it was the right call. But I also know that I don't want him to suffer, and that if I was really sure that was the case . . . then maybe I could do it.
I don't know. People who have gone through it tell me I'll know when it's time, that it will be obvious if I have to make that choice. I hope that's true.
I wish Benji could talk and tell me either that he was fine, or that he was ready to be finished.
Like I said, right now he's just very very skinny (he's always been thin because of how malnourished his old owners kept him, but it's gotten worse lately) and spends most of his time asleep in his warm bed by his heater. He does get up and walk around still but his hips seem to be bugging him more than usual (again, maybe the cold?). Sometimes I feel guilty for not holding him or petting him more but honestly, I think he just wants to be left alone right now. He needs a bath and a good grooming but he hates both of those things and it's difficult.
I know that I've given him a good life. That he's gotten to spend the last almost 7 years sleeping on soft things and eating good food and not being forced to go on walks or play, because Benji is really just not very dog like. (Seriously, you've never met a less dog like dog than my Benji . . . he hated walks, he never played with toys, rarely liked any treats we gave him . . . whenever I feel like I haven't done enough with him, I remind myself that I spent plenty of time just sitting with him on the couch watching TV, and that that was absolutely plenty for Benji, because he didn't want to do anything else). But there are times when I feel guilty, like I should have done more; I wish I'd had the money to take him to the vet for his teeth, but I just never did.
I just hope he knows how very, very much I love him, and how much he helped me when I was sick, and how grateful I am that I ended up with him when I did. I truly believe that it was some kind of divine intervention and that I needed Benji as much as he needed me.
I think he knows those things. And for now I'm just going to take things day by day and love him as much as I can.
I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know he's an old dog and his health has never been fantastic (and may his former owners rot in hell for that), and obviously I know he won't live forever. But still, I am anxious and shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up because I'm just lost. I've hoped and prayed for a long time that when the time came, he would go on his own. I absolutely do not want to make the decision to end his life; I feel like the only life I have the right to make that decision about is my own and it's just not in me to do it for my dog. And I know I would always wonder if it was the right call. But I also know that I don't want him to suffer, and that if I was really sure that was the case . . . then maybe I could do it.
I don't know. People who have gone through it tell me I'll know when it's time, that it will be obvious if I have to make that choice. I hope that's true.
I wish Benji could talk and tell me either that he was fine, or that he was ready to be finished.
Like I said, right now he's just very very skinny (he's always been thin because of how malnourished his old owners kept him, but it's gotten worse lately) and spends most of his time asleep in his warm bed by his heater. He does get up and walk around still but his hips seem to be bugging him more than usual (again, maybe the cold?). Sometimes I feel guilty for not holding him or petting him more but honestly, I think he just wants to be left alone right now. He needs a bath and a good grooming but he hates both of those things and it's difficult.
I know that I've given him a good life. That he's gotten to spend the last almost 7 years sleeping on soft things and eating good food and not being forced to go on walks or play, because Benji is really just not very dog like. (Seriously, you've never met a less dog like dog than my Benji . . . he hated walks, he never played with toys, rarely liked any treats we gave him . . . whenever I feel like I haven't done enough with him, I remind myself that I spent plenty of time just sitting with him on the couch watching TV, and that that was absolutely plenty for Benji, because he didn't want to do anything else). But there are times when I feel guilty, like I should have done more; I wish I'd had the money to take him to the vet for his teeth, but I just never did.
I just hope he knows how very, very much I love him, and how much he helped me when I was sick, and how grateful I am that I ended up with him when I did. I truly believe that it was some kind of divine intervention and that I needed Benji as much as he needed me.
I think he knows those things. And for now I'm just going to take things day by day and love him as much as I can.
12.26.2013
Christmas 2013
Oh, Christmas. I was both really really looking forward to it and really really dreading it this year. I'm glad it's over but at the same time I'm so depressed to be back in Flagstaff, and I wish I could live yesterday again. I'm really torn over it, because I love my family and I miss them so freaking much but good Lord they all drive me insane sometimes.
Mostly the petty arguing. There are only 5 people in my family (5 adults, I'm not counting Austin) and we all have quick tempers. Sometimes we all just get a little snippy with one another, and I think I'm just not used to it anymore since I don't live it everyday, y'know? But still, I had a good time, and I was happy to see everyone.
On Monday, I had to work, which royally sucked. I went in early and took a short lunch and was able to leave a little early. Then I came home and had to give Benji a bath and get the car all loaded up and all that, so we ended up leaving later than intended. We got to Kingman around 9 PM, I believe. Hung out with my mom and Jill and Austin, went to Jerbs' house and gave her parents their gifts, hung out with Austin some more, etc. (OMG, Max was SO excited to see Austin! He completely flipped his shit, it was hilarious). After Austin went to bed I was so ready to crash, but my sister made me stay up and wrap Santa gifts with her. (I am awesome at gift wrapping, her . . . not so much). It was fun, though. It's kind of cool to share these experiences as adults, if that makes sense--helping her play Santa for her kids when we used to wait up for Santa together. It's a sentimental full circle thing, I suppose.
Then I went to bed, and on Christmas Eve, we did some shopping and just kind of hung out at my sister's house. That evening the whole family went out to look at Christmas lights. We all managed to fit in my car--my dad was a trooper and sat in "the hatch"--and it was fun. There are always some really good light displays in Kingman.
After that we went back to my sister's and we all got to open one gift (Christmas Eve tradition). Austin chose the big gift I brought him, which was the blanket I made him in a box. This is when things started going downhill, because he was visibly disappointed that it was a blanket and not a big fancy toy. Like, his face fell. It was upsetting. Not necessarily because it hurt my feelings, which is whatever, but because it's sad to see how spoiled he is and how rude he is sometimes. I mean, I know he's only 5 but still. A little disheartening.
After he was in bed my sisters and I put out all the Santa gifts and I made it look like Santa ate his cookies and all that, and I wrote Austin's Santa letter. When I was a kid, every Christmas, "Santa" left my sisters and I a note, basically thanking us for the cookies and reindeer treats and telling us to keep being good, etc. I love writing the ones for Austin, because my hope is that someday, when he's older and knows that I wrote them, he'll re-read them and hear things I wanted to say to him, if that makes sense.
Man, that kid got spoiled for Christmas. He got a 32 inch TV and an internet tablet. I just . . . I don't even really know how to say. I didn't really enjoy watching him on Christmas morning. He just tore through everything in like 15 minutes, and just . . . I don't know. To me, a flat screen TV and a tablet are 110% unnecessary for a freaking 5 year old. I don't like it. I understand that my sister has money, and we didn't growing up, and I'm sure she also feels guilty about being a single mom who works a lot or whatever, but still. I feel like when we were kids there was a much deeper meaning to Christmas. We weren't a religious family, and we always got presents from Santa, but we were also always taught that Christmas was a time to be with family and love each other and be grateful for what we had. And to give as well, because I remember always giving donations to the food bank at Christmas time and taking kids' names off the angel trees. Austin's getting none of that. No gratitude, no family appreciation, no giving spirit, just be marginally well behaved and get shit loads of expensive toys. It's depressing, and I don't agree with how he's being brought up.
But that's just me. I'm not his mother. And he is a good kid, but still, it all seemed like overkill.
He did like the Santa letter, though, and hopefully, someday, that'll mean something to him.
After the super quick gift opening, I went back to bed in my sister's room, because I was exhausted and it was early and I had to drive back to Flag that night. I think my sisters were a little annoyed with me but I wasn't going to risk crashing my car on the way home!
My parents came over later in the afternoon, after my dad was off work, and we exchanged gifts. I was surprised because one sister got me the nail lamp I wanted, and my mom and other sister got me this personalized pen that has my name on it and came in a case engraved with a quote I like. My family all liked their gifts as well, which is always nice.
Austin cried when I had to leave, which is always heartbreaking, but at the same time, I hope it taught him something. He ignored me all day for his new toys and I kept telling him I'd be leaving soon and he shrugged it off, but once I was actually getting in the car he started bawling. I hate to see him cry, but like I said, maybe this time it was a little bit of a lesson. I picked up Jerbs and said good bye to her parents, and then we gassed up the car (for a LOT cheaper than here in Flag!) and headed home.
It was nice to get home. Not nice to be away from my family, but nice to climb into my own bed and just relax. I'm a homebody, and I like being in my own space.
Needless to say, I didn't want to go to work today. At all. Going to Kingman always leaves me in a little bit of a funk. Not in a good way or a bad way, just . . . a funk. So I was a little off all day long.
But. All in all I'd say this year was better than last year. It was nice to be able to drive to Kingman and do the trip on my own terms, as opposed to last year with all the Greyhound drama. It was nice to be able to actually give my family presents, because I actually have a job this year. It was nice that Jerbs got to come, because she hasn't been home for Christmas in years.
And weirdly, one of the best things was that Benji was there. I remember freaking out last Christmas about going home on the bus because I couldn't bring Benji, because I was totally convinced it was going to be his last Christmas, and I wanted to spend it with him. I'm glad I was wrong, and this Christmas, I held him a lot and my family all held him, and it was nice. I'm grateful that I got that. I'm certain that this Christmas really was his last, and I've struggled with that a lot the past few days. But that's for another post.
Goodnight!
7.17.2013
An Adorable Mess
That's what Jerbs called me last night when I was getting all weepy and emotional about her leaving. Because I'm . . . adorable, I guess.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
Jerbs is gone. I dropped her off at the bus station a few hours ago and now she's somewhere between here and Phoenix. (It's a 15 hour bus ride to San Diego from here. Isn't that insane?) I already miss her . . . it's just so different when she's not home. And the cats watched her pack and both panicked so I'm sure that's going to be lovely for the rest of the week. Sigh.
Anyway, back to the adorable mess thing. I don't know why, but I've been just kind of down the past week(ish). Some of it's hormonal (yay) but my cycle's finished and I still just feel sad.
Some of it is Jerbs leaving.
Some of it is missing Ex-Fiance, because ever since he was here he's been on my mind and I've just been thinking about things with him a lot. I just . . . I'm just sad that we're not together, and I still love him, and I still want a second chance so badly. I'm lost when it comes to this, I really am.
Some of it is Benji. The past few weeks he hasn't been as active and mobile as he usually is. I suppose it could be the weather (lots of monsoon rain and lower temperatures) making him want to just stay in his bed, but I worry that he's nearing the end of his life, and it breaks my heart in a way that I can't even explain. I wish so much that he could be healthy and have the life he should have. It's not fair that he won't live as long because of the assholes that had him before me, y'know? I'm just trying to make him happy and comfy. I mostly let him sleep, and when he does get up I pet him and cuddle him and tell him I love him. I want to let him sleep in my bed with me but there's too big a chance of him falling off or trying to jump off and hurting himself. I just hope he knows how much I love him even if I'm not very affectionate . . . does that make sense? And I know these are silly things to worry about but . . . no one will ever understand how important Benji is to me. In all seriousness he is the reason I'm alive. The past few days I've taken him out on the porch (because he never goes outside anymore) and held him and just let him sniff the breeze for a few minutes. It's really sweet to see his head sort of perk up while he catches the wind; it makes me happy. He can't see or hear, really, but his nose still works! I really wish he could talk, so he could tell me if he was really suffering or if he'll be OK for a bit longer, y'know?
Some of it is Max. He's so sad with Jerbs gone and I don't know how to explain that she's coming back because . . . well, Max is a dog, obviously. It's just a little sad to see him so mopey and everything.
Anyway. That's that. Hopefully I start to cheer up soon . . . I don't like this blah down in the dumps feeling at all.
12.03.2012
That Dog
Last year, when Corey and I went to Chinle for Christmas, we took Benji with us. Corey's parents are wonderful, and they noticed that Benji walks really stiffly because his hips bug him. So to help him out they gave him an old heating pad of theirs. Well, Benji spent the entire time we were there sleeping on the heating pad, and it really really helped him out. By the time we left to go home Benji was walking better and was able to lay more stretched out--it made me so happy. So Corey's parents gave us the heating pad. Like I said, they're wonderful. Benji spent the rest of last winter blissfully passed out on the heating pad.
Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I've noticed that lately Benji seems to have trouble settling down and getting comfortable to sleep. Last night before I went to bed, I dug out the heating pad for him.
He was in his bed in the kitchen. Benji doesn't like to be moved once he's comfortable so as carefully as I could, I lifted him up, put the heating pad in his bed, and put him back, hoping he'd feel the heat and just go back to sleep. I went to bed.
Well, I woke up a few hours later, and of course, Benji was in his bed in the living room. And his kitchen bed was nice and warm. I swear, that dog . . . I love him to bits and pieces but sometimes he drives me nuts. So I turned off the heating pad and went back to bed.
I woke up again when Jerbs was getting ready for work, and I decided to go check on Benji, and this time, he was asleep in his kitchen bed. I snuck up and turned on the heating pad, and when I got up later, Benji was still in bed and looked like he hadn't moved. He already looks like he's walking a little more comfortably. And it's good to know that he'll keep warm at night.
Benji's always had an issue with staying warm at night because he's tiny and has absolutely no body fat. When I lived alone with him he had his own blanket on my bed, and I'd cover him up with it when we went to bed, but he'd always crawl out from under it. I think I've only ever seen him stay under covers 3 or 4 times in the years I've had him. Silly dog.
I think his favorite thing ever was when Jerbs moved in with us. At that point she and I were a couple so we shared a bed, and he used to sleep between us. Pretty sure that was the highlight of Benji's life as far as warm sleep goes, haha.
Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I've noticed that lately Benji seems to have trouble settling down and getting comfortable to sleep. Last night before I went to bed, I dug out the heating pad for him.
He was in his bed in the kitchen. Benji doesn't like to be moved once he's comfortable so as carefully as I could, I lifted him up, put the heating pad in his bed, and put him back, hoping he'd feel the heat and just go back to sleep. I went to bed.
Well, I woke up a few hours later, and of course, Benji was in his bed in the living room. And his kitchen bed was nice and warm. I swear, that dog . . . I love him to bits and pieces but sometimes he drives me nuts. So I turned off the heating pad and went back to bed.
I woke up again when Jerbs was getting ready for work, and I decided to go check on Benji, and this time, he was asleep in his kitchen bed. I snuck up and turned on the heating pad, and when I got up later, Benji was still in bed and looked like he hadn't moved. He already looks like he's walking a little more comfortably. And it's good to know that he'll keep warm at night.
Benji's always had an issue with staying warm at night because he's tiny and has absolutely no body fat. When I lived alone with him he had his own blanket on my bed, and I'd cover him up with it when we went to bed, but he'd always crawl out from under it. I think I've only ever seen him stay under covers 3 or 4 times in the years I've had him. Silly dog.
I think his favorite thing ever was when Jerbs moved in with us. At that point she and I were a couple so we shared a bed, and he used to sleep between us. Pretty sure that was the highlight of Benji's life as far as warm sleep goes, haha.
11.24.2012
Lately
I finally admitted defeat in the air bed battle. I deflated the bed and now I'm just sleeping on the floor on top of it. It's actually not too bad. I sleep for longer chunks of time because I don't wake up every 20 minutes needing to re-inflate the stupid thing, and it's kind of a relief to know I'm not bugging the neighbors with the sound of the inflating or anything. Most mornings I wake up when Jerbs leaves and I go in her bed for a few hours, which is always nice. At this point I'm just keeping my eyes out for a good deal on a mattress/box spring set.
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I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
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Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
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I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
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I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
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Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
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Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
--------------------
I've been having phone issues for about a week now. Like, my phone won't let me make calls (when I try it tells me calls aren't allowed from this line), it won't accept calls (when people call me they hear that this person is not currently accepting calls), and I can't send or receive texts. I have no clue what's going on but based on googling it could be my SIM card. This is especially annoying because in the past two weeks I've filled out a ton of job applications and if anyone tries to call the number I gave, they won't be able to reach me. Blech. Still not really sure what I'm going to do about this one. Probably just get a prepaid no contract phone to replace it.
--------------------
Adam, Jenny's best friend from college, was out visiting from Florida on Friday. He and Jenny spent the day together and then he spent the night in our living room. Well, I took Benji in the bedroom with me so that he wouldn't bother Adam, and he cuddled up and slept next to me on the floor. It was so sweet, and it made me think of how he used to sleep with me every single night. I love that little dog.
---------------------
I've been biting my nails again lately. I have no idea why, because I was doing so well not biting them. Weird. And a little disappointing.
---------------------
I have fallen in love with this long haired cat who's up for adoption at PetSmart. He's beautiful and if Jerbs weren't allergic he'd already be here with me, and his name would be Duke Orsino.
---------------------
Remember how I talked about missing the deadline for that short short story contest? I was really bummed about that but then I got an email from Writers Digest saying they extended the deadline til December 17th! That doesn't give me much time BUT I think I can come up with at least one entry for it--especially since that weird depressive funk is gone.
----------------------
Really, really hoping I start getting calls from jobs soon. I'm sick of being unemployed already and I'm ready to go back to work and make money. I'm already making plans for saving and whatnot and I'm excited to get started on those. All I want is to be able to support myself, really, so hopefully something comes through soon.
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